Memory Jar 2022/2023

 

*sometime in February, 2023?

this would have been our 9th year of Memory Jar posts, but I dropped the ball...or was I three weeks in my new apartment after having lived in the car for half the year, and had no idea where the Jar even was?  I remember watching Rocky on New Year's Eve '22/'23 because I'm making it my new tradition to do so, and I watched the whole Rocky franchise (up to Creed 2) this past New Year's.

2022:

my list ~

Z graduated BOCES

Z got into his 1st choice college

Z got $100 fitness scholarship

standing with the guitar teacher during the kid's last solo

Medicine Day

Vermont Corn Maze

Being invited to work at AW

Getting an apartment!  yay!

Hannukah at the local synagogue

making Z spit eggs by saying "Peanut Butter Falcon!"

breakfast sandwiches

"Tantar, make Mama some perogies"

grateful to have my son home with me

 

his list ~

skipping

catballs

have a Snickers

300 lb. leg press first try

burgers

climbing to the top of the rope

pre-workout

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

September 26, 2024

I just finished my ritual of burning the memory slips before starting the process of filling the jar up again.  it mostly took me that long because I don't really have a great place to burn things in this apartment other than the porch, which makes me nervous, so I burned them a few at a time in my bathroom over a fireproof tray, with the ventilation fan running.  then I took a look at my facebook activity log starting all the way back in January, and wrote down the good times I felt important enough to share with my social media network and friends, and put them in the jar.  I will ask my son to take some time out of his increasingly busy life to add a few, and I'm sure after some rudeness, eye rolling, unnecessary aggression and argument, he may oblige me a scrap or two with a word or so.  we'll see.

here's why it's important to me:

I'm making Aliyah.

(for those of you who don't know, that means I'm moving to Israel.)

 

it's going to be increasingly important to me to figure out ways to stay in touch with my son (who won't be coming with me), and our small traditions that we shared while he was growing up in my care, as he feels the inevitable need to pull away from me.  not that he has much choice if I'm leaving the country...but it is time to strike out on his own, even if I'm the one doing the 'striking'.

and we have almost a decade of memories showing the same tendency, as his lists have gone from running in tandem to mine, while we enjoyed many of the same happy moments, to his moving year by year towards his own joys and experiences, as they should.  I'm not 'in on' several of the moments he shared, as I'm sure readers can tell, and similarly don't understand.

we've had a rough couple of years.  from the ongoing need to move constantly whether it be from eminent domain, the landlord selling the building, or only having a one year lease so my son could graduate high school with his class (for which we were grateful), to my mother dying, and the general hormonal bullshit that I had to put up with between my male teen and my own peri/menopause.  then we had homelessness and non-college-preparedness before we were both finally able to settle down into decent work situations and figure out where our lives were, individually, and in relationship to each other.

at the moment, we're both in a pretty good place.  the Young Man is fine, and I'm going to do my best to stop talking about him as much as I do, because he's an adult now, and I owe him his privacy, but I'm sure news of him will sneak in here and there because he's my baby and I love him the most.  let it suffice to say that he has a good job that he enjoys doing, a few good friends (one of whom he is intimate with), and enjoys an active social life pursuing his interests and hobbies.  I was working at a job that I really liked, doing work that I felt was important, until the underlying toxicity of the administration that I had been overlooking in order to keep paying my rent finally caught up to me, and I walked out in frustration one afternoon.  it didn't take long before I had another job doing similar work, and in that case, it was the administration that got frustrated with me for pointing out the inconsistencies in their policies, and how it was actively harming their guests.  no worries...I got another job offer a few days ago, and will probably get another one before the week is out.  I can get jobs - I sometimes have a hard time keeping them.

if you're familiar with this blog, and have visited the 'freebooting' tab, you'll see that I've engaged in a wide variety of work activities, and have never settled on a 'career' because I am a multi-disciplinary artist who rarely has the necessary time or space to engage with my art as I'm so busy hustling to survive all the time.  for instance - there are 78 unfinished drafts for posts on this blog.  38 of them are from 2020, 26 are from 2021, 6 from 2022, 5 from 2023, and 3 so far this year.  if I manage to publish this post, there will only be two from this year.  we'll see...

I have a lot of work ahead of me for this upcoming move, and I've once again been doing my best to whittle down my belongings to what I can take overseas with me, and there are years of backlogged art projects that are getting dragged out of the closet for me to force myself to contend with.  I haven't been doing that badly, and several finished products have made their way to their final destinations, and it has definitely been clearing my energy to see those items come to fruition.  there are some bins that are harder to deal with than others, and I'm in the middle of one of those, now.  talk about memories!  

so we're back to the point I was making at the beginning of this post, which is that our family tradition of saving memories to reminisce over at the end of the year hit a snag due to my lack of financial solvency, as I haven't yet gleaned the secret to being a single working mother who can give my art the same time and energy I need to devote to my 'job' so I can manage to keep a roof over our heads, and all that.  the Memory Jar didn't get filled because I was working.  the posts didn't get finished because I was working.  the art didn't get done because I was working.  I made more money this year than I ever have in my entire life.  and that was amazing.  but what did I have to sacrifice for it?  it was when I got fired and decided to move to Israel that the projects got dragged out of the closet, so here we are.

2023 was all about the Benjamins.  make more doing less.  I gave everything to my employers and the people we serve, and had barely a thing left over for me, let alone anyone else.  I ate well, I upgraded my wardrobe & my phone, got some work done on the car, did volunteer work in the community, and served on a city council committee.  I donated money.  I also experienced more anti-semitism than I ever have in my entire life, mostly in my workplace, and after that, in community spaces meant to offer mutual aid.  I learned that people will take every single thing you give, and offer only their ingratitude in return.  I watched people die in the streets while our representatives in the government slept soundly in their appointed mansions.  I lost a lot of fair-weather friends claiming to be sisters-in-arms when I demanded that these staunch feminists acknowledge the atrocities of October 7th, which they continue to deny matter, let alone the plight of our dear hostages, still being held captive by genocidal terrorists.

but these are topics for a different post.  like I said, 2023 both was and wasn't great, and none of that made it to our jar.  but the slips from 2022 got burned and buried, and there's a '2024' tag on the jar now, with a pile of new slips in it.  I hope more get added, and I look forward to reading them with my son on New Year's Eve, however that may look.

I look forward to hearing from you again ~ 

memory jar posts past:

2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 - 2019 - 2020 - 2021 - 2022 - 2023...

Memory Jar 2021

8 YEARS!

8 years of memory jars!  wow...and it's been a year, that's for sure.  the kind of year where I found myself saying to my kid, "I know it's been shitty, but let's sit down and make the effort to think of a few good things to put in our jar so we have something to share on New Year's Eve.  maybe we have enough space from the trauma of it all to appreciate the experiences?"  hopeful as I was, I suppose I was bound to be disappointed, especially since my Teen showed more interest in the process last New Year's than he has in the past, by insisting on designing our yearly star himself.  it was a pretty star, but his enthusiasm for the project didn't carry through.  read on to find out what was good for us in 2021:

 

Me:

new running shoes!

birthday week lunches, gifts, ice cream, cake, dinners, cash, salt bath...

playing Yahtzee w/Grandma (Mom)

Grandma laughing at the movie Slapshot

Teen:

got a new hat

ok, well...there were significantly less happy moments in our jar than there have been in the past, but as I've said, and I'm sure we can all agree, it's been a pretty rough year all around (unless you're a billionaire that got richer from all the collective suffering, in which case, karma will get you my pretties).  the 'awful' was not just pandemic related in our case - I mean, my mom died, and then we lost our housing and had to move.  it's been utterly terrible, and we've had quite a rough time navigating it all, but I think we're coming through it a bit, one way or another.

 

for myself, even though I fell off my running game after Mom died, the gift of running shoes was/is a blessing, and definitely made the journey more fun (not to mention easier), and when I'm ready to get back to it (soon, soon), they'll be waiting for me.  and since I spent the year responsibly keeping mostly away from people, it was wonderful to spend time with two of my close friends who made the effort to help me feel loved and cared for around my birthday.  my mom spent two blessed weeks visiting before she died, for which I will forever be grateful, and during those weeks we had a lot of fun together, because she was moving away, and we didn't know when we were going to see each other again.  sigh...it wasn't supposed to be 'never'; she was planning to come to the Teen's high school graduation this summer.  anyway, Slapshot was one of her favorite movies, so I've seen it about 5,678 times and know it by heart - but I wasn't really watching it that night, I was watching my mom laugh harder than she had for a long time, and it made my heart happy.  and she kicked our asses in Yahtzee so bad, the Teen accused her of cheating, lol!

as for the Teen...he had it rough.  more than a year of remote learning, not being able to go anywhere or do anything with his friends...they did stay in touch through online gaming, but...it wasn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination, and I feel all their relationships were hurt by the separation.  he needed to get out so badly he ran away from home for two weeks and sent me spiraling even further into depression as if losing my second parent and my housing wasn't enough.  he was similarly affected, and more.  we worked through it well enough to be on a somewhat even keel now, and honestly, I don't feel like it's my place to talk about him so much on my blog any more, as he's past old enough to have a say in such things, and I know if I asked him, he'd tell me not to write about him, so...I (mostly) won't.  I can speak to the fact that he had some truly wonderful moments this year, but I recognize that there's some real healing he needs to do in order to feel ready to acknowledge them.  I truly hope he does.

 

some things that didn't make the jar but should have, include (for me):  taking part in the Roma Women's Poetry Project writing workshops sponsored by ERIAC, having one of the pieces I wrote included in Wagtail, the first anthology from Butcher's Dog magazine, and taking part in the online launch event.  spending time with friends, going to my son's gigs, and reconnecting with my tarot practice were also highlights, as well as going on a few dates, even though they didn't pan out into anything worth writing about.  during a time in history when things could be so much worse, I'm exceedingly grateful for the privilege of continuing to have opportunities to create my life in the ways that nurture and sustain me, mind, body, and spirit, and to have the means to offer compassion and understanding to as many others as possible.  I hope absolutely everyone gets to feel similarly blessed this year ~

check out our memory jar posts from years past, below!

2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 - 2019 - 2020

Memory Jar 2020

 

wow, 7 years of memory jars!  I guess I'm getting pretty good at this 'creating traditions' thing...I wonder if it's something my son will carry forward with him when he starts his own family?  here's what it is:  over the course of the year, my son and I write down good/fun/happy moments we experience, on recycled slips of paper, and put them in our 'memory jar' (an antique Queen mason jar).  on New Year's Eve, we open the jar, and read the slips of paper to each other as a way to relive the best parts of our year over again.  it's a nice New Year's Eve ritual, and in this year of pandemic, when we won't be joining in any celebrations, it feels especially important, as we made a real effort to find moments in time to be grateful for in our relative isolation.

 

 

my son chose to go in to work tonight, so I'm currently home alone (unless you count my incredibly loud and annoying upstairs neighbors), and I plan to spend my evening indulging in an epsom salt bath, followed by lighting candles and reading tarot cards.  I considered getting myself a bottle of champagne, but since I renewed my commitment to bettering my health, decided alcohol wasn't a necessary component of my personal celebration, though I may choose to have a cup of hot chocolate, instead.  I also stopped at the store to pick up chocolate chips and eggs to make this 2 ingredient chocolate cake - courtesy of The B.U.F.F. Dudes - as a treat for my son when he gets home from work, because it's still a holiday, and a hard-working teen deserves a healthy version of chocolate cake after busting his butt working on New Year's Eve.

 

 

here are our good memories of 2020:

him ~ 

100 in English, lol

getting job at S-----

working

getting bicycle

MSI gaming z rtx 2060

getting monitor

finishing PC

finishing gaming setup

getting gaming chair

new mouse

joining Mumutopia

Doom Eternal

Naruto

Hannukah

tricking mom into saying "underwear" by asking "what's under there?"

"Europe Who?" (knock knock, who's there, Europe, Europe who [sounds like 'you're a poo']) 

*high pitched* "eeh" "eeh" "mee-EEH"

burgers

 

so for him, this year was all about getting his first 'real' job (he worked last summer, but that was just doing lift & carry for a local yard sale guy), and enjoying the benefits of what earning decent money (for a teenager) can get him.  a new bike, a fancy computer set-up that I don't even know how to turn on, having good times gaming with his friends online - which is nice, since they haven't seen each other in person for forever - and watching shows that he enjoys while managing to keep up with his schoolwork.  the holidays were fun and he enjoyed the traditional foods we cooked together, as well as some of the everyday meals we made, and as always, he loves being a little joker and sharing our silly inside jokes, too ("eeh, eeh, mee- EEH" made my list, too).

me ~

D--- came to visit!

birthday buffet/chocolatefest 2020

game day party!

visit from S---- bearing lovely gifts

The Beautiful Bastards in Hunter

(Southern accent) "go to bed, y'all from Shreeveport?"

letting things go/leading with love

the 'rona lockdown, lol...not really.

Geezus Butlers at Oakley's

Teen doing so well at his job

a friend's newborn baby

High Holy Days/Sukkot

completing the Couch to 5k program

my first 5k, and every one since!

how proud I am of the Teen

latkes & suvganiot - it was a wonderful Hannukah

lowest blood sugar reading

art dates with L---

Teen doing well in school despite the terrible circumstances

squeaky peasant!

staying consistent with my goal of improving my health, and losing 40 pounds so far! 

for me, I enjoyed spending time with dear friends (when we still could), celebrating my birthday, seeing my friends' bands play live music (when we still could), watching movies with my son that we now have inside jokes about (the one about Shreeveport is from The Princess & The Frog, and the 'squeaky peasant' is from Ladyhawk, which made his list, too), being proud of my son, celebrating holidays and new life, and making the commitment to taking better care of myself by eating better and exercising.  so for a relatively crap year, we didn't do too badly...and the hard-working Teen enjoyed a piece of the cake I baked for him when he got home, even though it's a bit weird looking:

 

it just looked so plain by itself, and I decided it needed frosting, but I didn't have any powdered sugar because I don't tend to keep that stocked in my kitchen.  so I put some of the organic raw cane sugar I had in my mortar and crushed it with the pestle.  yes, I did.  I made just enough frosting for a thin layer over the top of the cake, then used a cupcake liner as a way to sprinkle silver 'shimmer sugar' into a random pattern of circles across the top...I don't know, I was experimenting.  who cares what it looks like - it's delicious, and the kid appreciated and enjoyed it!  I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday, whether you celebrate the New Year or not.  it seems a bit arbitrary to me at this point, but I do like and cling to my own traditions, so I try not to begrudge others sticking to theirs.  let's look forward to bright and beautiful new endeavors to embark on, and good times enjoyed with our dear ones coming back into our lives at some point, when it's safe again.  I wish all of you all the best in 2021!

check out our 'memory jar' posts from years past, below!

2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 - 2019

Memory Jar 2019

it's that magical time again - the beginning of a new year!  sort of...being Jewish, I also celebrate the 'new year' in September, but Rosh Hashana, with it's round challah, apples, and honey is a completely different animal than the balloons, music, silly hats, noise makers, champagne, fireworks, and ball drops that grace the stage of many a December 31st celebration in the USA.  as has become our tradition - 6th year in a row! - my young man and I read out the memories we saved up during the year and relive our best times as a way to keep the positivity flowing, and our hearts grateful for all our many blessings.  this year, our Memory Jar (pictured above) got packed up sometime in March, and just yesterday, we dug it out of the box we still hadn't unpacked it from and laughed, because there were maybe two little slips of paper in there.  then we set to writing down what we could remember in retrospect to keep the practice going.  here are our respective good memories ~

him:
playing in the Ramones show
the beginning of wrestling season
new Logitech headset
getting Minecraft
new gaming keyboard & mouse
getting an 'A' in English
defeating Borderlands 2
defeating 99% of the side quests in Borderlands 2
Nintendo Switch

me:
first Friday Shabbat
'day of pampering' by local adult group - facial & pedicure done by willing male servants
my birthday full blood wolf supermoon eclipse planetary alignment snowstorm!
perimenopause
while the forced move sucked hard, the new place is good...ESPECIALLY THE HEAT!
Drum Gods (Teen's show)
Passover!
pics of the old place
lunch with C
Garage Rock (Teen's show)
buying legal weed
roast chicken & veggies
lots of great cooking - soups, naan, marinated chicken burrito things...
P7:  Planetarium - planetary/tarot workshop
Ramones! (Teen's show)
MILKSHAKE!!! (private joke between the Teen & I)
Hannukah!
new snowboots
new-to-me laptop
TALON (local band)
Firing Squad (local band)
The Adam Hendricks Experience NYE party (local band)
moving into a new 'me'
sharing traditions with my son

so, as is fitting for someone his age, the Teen's list is mostly about gaming, with a nod in the direction of his musical endeavors, and to his team sport.  I have no recollection of him getting an 'A' in English (neither does his report card), but I'll let it pass, because maybe he did at the time he put the slip in the jar.  it's too bad he didn't spend as much time making memories with friends this year as he did in the past, but we've been through some transitions in terms of our friendships this year, and the kids he hangs out with these days mostly interact through their computers, in the gaming world.  it bothers me that they don't spend as much time outside with each other as my friends and I did 'back in the day', but it's a different world, and I'm doing my best to roll with it.  though my need for him to interact with people 'in real life' was the impetus for me making him come out to the show we attended last night, and he not only had a good time listening to great music, he had fun hanging out with one friend in particular, and got lots of positive reinforcement from the other kids he knows who were also at the gig that they not only enjoy his company, but they also appreciate his musical ability, and like playing music with him.  one of the kids in the band said that if he knew my son was coming to the show, he'd have asked him to do a song with them.  so sweet! 

for myself, I enjoyed making the effort to mark the Jewish Sabbath each week by having what we called 'Friday Night Dinner' in my parents' house growing up, which I managed to continue throughout the year, with a few exceptions for the Teen's gigs and sporting events.  the 'pampering event' was held just before my 50th birthday, so it was nice to have taken that opportunity to get a bit of attention paid to myself, as I'm not in a financial position to be able to visit a spa, so this was the best I could do, and it was indulgent enough to satisfy that desire.  and while ultimately, I spent my milestone birthday at home during a snowstorm, I had the foresight to pack in the supplies I needed to make it fun, and I enjoyed the crazy energy of it a great deal.  you may have noticed that I added perimenopause to my good memories - that's because I'm Really Enjoying not getting my period every month anymore, and while that makes it all the more annoying when it does show up, it's been a Great transition for me, and a reminder to pay more attention to certain aspects of who I am as I age, and live in tune with who I'm still becoming.  more women should feel encouraged to embrace this time in their lives with joy, in my opinion - it's truly magical!

moving out of our home of 5 years because the State took over the property we lived on through eminent domain was a rough blow, and a hard patch to navigate that nearly drove me over the edge, but we survived it, and have settled into our new place as well as 'transients' like ourselves can manage.  the Teen is still in the same school, which is really all I hoped for out of the whole situation, and the apartment is nice, if out of our price range (the State was required to help me out with rent and bills, as there were no apartments that I could afford available to rent at the time they needed us to move, so...I don't feel like this story is over, but we're enjoying it while we can).  even still, we did manage our first Passover Seder, such as it was, and it was good enough for us.  also, since we were going to be moving, I made sure to take hundreds of pictures of the gorgeous flowers, trees, and shrubs that we had lived with during our time on that property, as well as the river, and as many of the animals as I could before they're all destroyed and/or displaced.

my son once again played in a variety of Rock Academy shows, which I enjoy to no end - they are so much fun to attend, especially when our friends manage to come out and join me on the dance floor!  it seems so weird to me that I only managed to have lunch with one friend this entire year, and I'd like to make sure to spend more quality time with people I care about in the future.  buying legal cannabis might not seem all that special to many, but given the history of prohibition in this country, and the war that has been waged against people of color as a result of it, being able to walk into a store and purchase recreational marijuana was Huge for me - I'll have to find the time and money to do it again!  I cooked up a lot of good food this year, moving slowly and steadily towards my becoming more competent in the kitchen, and developing my skills in not only the cooking of foods, but of planning healthy and delicious meals for us more frequently, and with increasing ease.  another highlight of my year was being gifted a one-week workshop in studying planetary energies, and working with them through dreams and tarot - a kind of work I used to do more regularly, but fell out of practice with as the pressures of earning a living while single-parenting took over most of my life, and squeezed out most of my hobbies and interests for those of my child.  it was wonderfully renewing, and a large step towards remembering who I was before I was 'Mom', and helping to center me into my new 'becoming' as a woman past her childbearing years - what I like to call 'croning'.

'MILKSHAKE!!!" is a joke that happened between the Teen and I after one of his performances that made us both laugh hysterically for longer than was necessary, so while it's a bit inappropriate, it's funny to us, and definitely deserves a place on our list, because that kind of sheer silliness is an absolute necessity in our lives, and I fully support inappropriate raucous laughter as long as it isn't hurting anyone.  for Hannukah this year, we both got gifts that we wanted and needed, and those gifts brought us both joy, which is also something I support experiencing as often as possible, and I appreciate that my friends were willing to step in and help us out with the funds we needed to attain some of those gifts for ourselves (charity and kindness are also endeavors I readily support).  I was also able to attend several shows recently of local bands that I really enjoy listening to and seeing perform, and I feel thankful for being able to share that with my son, too.  more of that in the new year, hopefully, as well!  finally, I feel incredibly blessed and fortunate to have built up some traditions for my son to look back on, and hopefully appreciate both now, and when he (someday) has a family of his own.  we have such a strong bond, and even though his teenagey-ness sometimes works my last nerve, I'm really proud of who he is, and the person he continues to become, and it's sometimes hard to believe that he's so awesome because of the ways I've chosen to make him a priority in my life, even though I constantly wish I could do more for him, or that we had more money, or that he had an active father in his life.  all I can do is press on, and keep doing what I can, and do my best to do even better. 

I know a lot of people who had a really awful year, and are happy to see 2019 dead and buried, but all in all, it could have been a lot worse - even given the stress of our move - and I feel like I experienced a lot of growth in positive directions, which is always welcome.  so, the best of everything to everyone reading, and I hope you have a great 2020 - I'm already looking forward to a visit from a long-term friend whom I haven't seen in decades in a few weeks, my next birthday, and the Teen's 16th (oh boy...).  Happy New Year, all!  Baxtalo Nevo Bersh! 


Memory Jar posts past:
2014
2015
2016
2017 
2018

Memory Jar 2018

we emptied and read our entries into our memory jar a bit early this year (we usually wait until New Year's Eve, or thereabouts) because we were flopping around the house all week trying to stay occupied so as not to get bored and get on each other's nerves too much during the Teen's winter break from school.  we had been remarking to each other of late how empty the jar is this year, because neither one of us made filling it a priority.  still, we went through the motions when we did, and here's the list of what we took the time to memorialize:

me:

Shavuot soup (not sure what this was, though I know it had to be a dairy dish in accordance with the Jewish holiday)

L's in Pine Hill (friends moved closer)

perfect summer days in the Catskills (no need for an explanation!)

losing 30 pounds on Whole30 (20 of which I gained right back)

Sly and the Family Stone vs. Parliament Funkadelic (teen's gig)

Goods delivery! (the ONLY place that delivers food to us, and only on rare occasions)


teen:

SLAYER! x 3 (he went to see them with a friend, without me)

Sly/Funk (gig)

Fortnite season 5 (thanks G for the battle pass)

2 snow days in a row (oh for the halcyon days...)

hangin' with G


food, friends, fitness, live music, and a recognition of perfect summer days isn't a bad year at all, without even adding in the Teen's video gaming, and the joy of youth over cancelled school days.  no matter that the list is short, or that the folks who have graced it in the past turned out not to have a place on it in our future, and knowing that will most likely repeat itself this year, due to miscommunications (not by me - I communicate rather effectively, and go out of my way to make sure I am understood), and a general lack of respect for me and mine by those I would have thought above such foolishness...but alas.  we move forward, no?  and look to the new connections we will make in the coming year that will be better suited to helping us move harmoniously into our future.

there are some things we forgot to put in the jar, like my birthday last year, attended by several of the people who have definitively shown me since that our friendship wasn't worth their time moving forward - but it was still a fun party where I felt surrounded by love, and I certainly don't want to negate that, or the people who were there with whom I still enjoy camaraderie.  also the Teen's birthday, which was just a simple sleepover with his one friend, as he desired.  he played (and I attended) several gigs with his music school - a 'Zombie Prom', a Black Sabbath show, and a 'New Wave of British Heavy Metal' show.  I even got in on the action and played a gig of my own (which was awful, and I hated every minute of it, but I got out of my comfort zone and tried something new, so yay me).  we went to Israel (the Teen's first trip - I've been many times, but not in a long while).  we celebrated Hannukah as best we could without money to give each other material gifts, but we did honor certain principles each night that I find more important than consumerism.  I made both 'Romani Soup' and Minestrone soup for the first time...we had friends over for dinner (once, the entire year) and my 'bestie' came up for a night or two (which I try to appreciate more than be mad about because I want more time with them more often, but...life).

it was a really rough year for me financially, and I had a bunch of people help me out with cash for food, heat, car repairs, and ticket money for gigs, while also gifting the Teen a new-to-him phone, and some comfy pj's for our winter holiday - SO grateful for all of Those blessings, Thank You!  a mystery challah showed up at my door on the last night of Hannukah, and while I know now who left it, it was a sweet gift to come home to that night.  I 'officially' launched Mysteriam Ink, engaged in activism and social justice work mostly (but not exclusively) related to issues that effect the Romani community, the Teen started high school, I was able to get my hands on some old photographs of my ancestors, and I uh...engaged in some 'adult activity' for the first time in too many years.  we all rode the wave of these trying political times, and while I don't tend to talk politics, here, I would be remiss if I didn't at least point out that this year, many of us are...let's say unhappy in regards to the current monstrosity of an American president and his administration.  there's a terrible world going on outside these walls, and frankly, I don't want to go out in it alone, so I'm grateful to those who stayed friends with me, and spare little to no thought for those who chose to show me their worst (though I do hope they manage to work through their issues for their own personal growth and development).

on the flip side of that, there's an incredibly Beautiful and Exciting world out there, and I'm looking forward to enjoying more of it, and watching my son learn to recognize and engage with it's gifts each day.  we don't have it easy, but we could have it worse, as we're very well aware, and we navigate our low points with whatever grace we can glean while sitting back and relaxing when the sailing is smooth.  so Happy New calendar Year to all friends, fans, and readers of The Unused Portion!  thank you for being here, subscribing, liking/following on facebook, commenting, and generally putting up with the rants and raves I dump out of my head, convert to pixels, and share with you.  sometimes it's a gift, sometimes a curse, but always worth doing for myself.  I hope others get something out of it, too.

Memory Jar posts from previous years:

2014, 2015, 2016, 2017


*New Year's Day update:  I loved The Doors when I was in high school, and I often think of the first few lines of Jim Morrison's "Ghost Song" (part of the first track, "Awake") on their An American Prayer album first thing in the morning.  this is what they say ~

"Awake...Shake dreams from your hair, my pretty child, my sweet one...Choose the day, and choose the sign of your day, the day's divinity...first thing you see..."

I woke up this morning - 1/1/19 - at 7am, to the sounds of my cat puking on the Native American poncho covering my desk chair, on which she was napping.  and I just washed it, too.  lovely...great omen for the new year, huh?  at least I know it will get better from here!

consequently, I also learned that this album was released 7 years after Jim's death, and 5 years after The Doors broke up.  I can't just stop loving it, but that fact - coupled with the new knowledge that Jim had his Own plans to release this work with artists that were not The Doors - really threw me for a loop, and made me feel like I've been lied to all these years.  not a good feeling, and I'm angry at the remaining three Doors in retrospect.  come on, 2019, you've Gotta do better than this for me!

Memory Jar 2016

the tradition we began in 2014 continues here – a list of things that made us happy over the past year, which we wrote on slips of paper, and put in a jar to share together on New Year's Eve.

the boy's list:

experiencing virtual reality

sleepover with G and A

having A and G over

having G & A over for b-day sleepover

sleepover at A's house

sleepover with G

G

A

Zoom Flume (w/G & A)

Ms. A's party/food

Beltane party

being a part of the haunted house at Woodstock Music Lab

Ramones and more Ramones x 2 (playing in a Rock Academy show)

Maiden vs. Priest Running Free EPICNESS (Rock Acadermy)

Iron Maiden vs. Judas Priest x 2 (RA)

seeing The Rocky Horror Picture Show @ Woodstock Music Lab

seeing Hedwig and the Angry Inch

first visit to the United Nations

robotics x 4 (learning to solder circuit-boards to program robots he built)

LIFE x 2

T! (Dad)

punkador haircut

Magic Tournament x 6

winning 1^st in the Magic Tourney

building an epic Magic deck

cool Magic card

10 mythic rare Magic cards

getting a tablet (at the end of last year)

tablet case

mom's b-day

Spanish rice

Dungeons & Dragons

Z-ish (an old friend of mine-ish)

Nahiri (his kitten)

shrimp (riffing on the 'shrimp' theme from the movie Forest Gump)

last night of Hannukah/New Year's @ W's

*swimming and having dinner at the house of a person who no longer makes us happy to mention x 6

my list:

Maiden/Priest! (so much fun) x 2

Ramones x 2!

Hedwig vs. Rocky Horror!

PORCELAIN HELMET! (adorable local boys' metal band)

hearing my child laugh

trimming the plants for Spring

Nahiri-face! Meow

smiley heart

New Year's with the former co-op crew

my 47^th b-day party (I think we hosted a game day?)

the boy's b-day sleepover

the boy's b-day game day

April Game Day

Beltane w/the former co-op crew

4^th of July weekend with Z, Y, B and W

Thanks-taking day of rest

Pizza and meatball epic sleepover party

perfect moment stretched out on the rug in front of the season's first fire with the kid and the cat

having friends who have us over for dinner

finally getting the car inspected

first paycheck from the new job

last night of Hannukah/New Year's @ W's

*our weekly dinner with the person who did me wrong '16

things we thought it was weird we didn't add to the jar, and mentioned after:

him - Billy Joel (playing at Levon's Barn), cuddling with kitties, playing in the snow, Hannukah, learning algebra, getting a new tv, Star Wars 3.5, sleepover with the W kids and watching Invader Zim.

Me - Billy Joel, Yenteprise (new-to-us car), alone time, Hannukah, new laptop, baking Rosh Hashanah Challah.

It seems our list grows every year, and we learn to be more grateful and notice the things that are important to us closely. Sometimes, when we're lucky, they notice us, too. With thanks to the friends that appear in this list year after year, and to the new ones we will make in the coming year – here's to a great 2017, and hopes for all the strength we need to get through whatever comes our ways! Love ~

Memory Jar 2015

     Tonight we decided to review our best memories from our special memory jar, a tradition we started last year (Memory Jar 2014) - here is the list of what made us happy in 2015:

meeting G

homemade chocolate truffles x 2

guests for my b-day

making a bow, arrows, and moccasins

1st stitches & removal

the boy's b-day party x 4

Writer's Festival Story Slam 

1st Glam Rock rehearsal

Glam gigs x 4

Thomas O'Malvin (new cat) x 2

In the Voice of Our Mothers writing workshop x 4

dinner @ L's

Challenger Space Center mission

Passover

Spring!

planting annuals

baby plants

growing plants

magnolias, lilacs, irises, lilies, red raspberries, black raspberries, mulberries, morning glories

roasted veggies

learning the whole Hebrew Aleph-Bet

homeschooling!

seeing Jurassic World

getting Magic cards

Pixels x 2

Inside Out

seeing a bald eagle sitting on the beaver dam

a bald eagle sitting on a tree branch 

a bald eagle on the wing

homemade pizza

chicken skewers w/peanut sauce

Will Lyttle's cartooning class

music at Bard College

roasted veggies, steak, and steamed brocolli

Shakespeare camp

 - Two Gentleman of Verona

 - Comedy of Errors

KISS gigs x 4

not-back-to-school picnic

going to the Card Vault

Ramones rehearsal

random $100 gift card

Thanksgiving @ D's

monthly game days

meeting a cool new mama friend & her family

warm chili on a cold night

watching my boy open a pile of donated gifts

hanging at G's & playing 'Rebels'

giving the kitchen a deep-clean

free book day!

1st visit to B's house

hanging @ W's 

B's b-day party x 2

Channukah

     ...and even though it hasn't happened yet, I'm going to add the New Year's Eve party we'll be attending tomorrow, with some of the people whose names grace this list of happy-making memories, so I feel it's not a far stretch to consider we will have a Great time with them then, too!  Also, the Ramones gig is sure to be a knockout second weekend in January event, and I'm willing to bet it will top the list of 2016 memories next year!  I hope you all had a wonderful trip around the Sun, and that your lows weren't too low, but that you're highs were wonderfully high!  Here's to more of what's good in 2016 ~ see you next year!

Memory Jar 2014

Last January, sometime around the 1st, the boy and I decided to take one of our many empty glass jars and fill it with our best memories from over the course of the year, then read them out to each other on the following New Year's Eve, 2015.  Well, we didn't do it on New Year's Eve, because the majority of our household items were still packed away in storage at that point, but we did unpack that particular box tonight, and found our jar, so we did the thing, and I decided it was fun enough to share with all of you.  foreshadow - at one point during the fall, we were walking down a wooded trail, and we passed under a large branch hanging from another branch of the tree, and thinking it might fall on someone and possibly hurt them, I reached up and grasped it, gave a slight tug, it came down on the boy's head, and he began to cry, briefly.  He was alright, though I felt bad (obviously), but we swiftly moved on along with our day.  Later, when we got back home, I thought it might be amusing to write the experience down for the memory jar, just to throw in a twist:  "what?  that wasn't fun, that sucked!  you're weird, Mom!"  so I wrote 'the day when my mom dropped that branch on my head' on a slip of paper, folded it up, and dropped it in the jar to be discovered at a later date...here are our best memories of 2014:

Frank Zappa show
today I saw half levitating ice
today I got my first electric guitar
today I played my first day of my show
today I played my second day of my show
(me) ROLLING STONES!!!
today I played at Deitz Stadium
today I played my best of season show
archery (x 2)
(me) L. B.'s Birthday!
J's barbeque
today I went to MOMATH  (museum of math)
today I did a skyscraper class (Center for Architecture, NYC)
colony 36!  (live action role playing game)
punk day 1
punk day 2
crowd surfing at punk
(me) PUNK!  both nights!
mom's enlarger
Robin Hood!
(me) Today was a good day
the Jersey Shore (x 2)
(me, impersonating him) the day when my mom dropped that branch on my head

as we took turns reading through our moments, I kept wondering where the branch scenario was going to pop up, which one of us was going to pick it?  slips of paper were shaken from the jar, read out, but no branch story.  I began to wonder if I had really put it in the jar, or if I just imagined it.  finally, there was one slip of paper left, and I was pretty sure I knew what it was going to say.  he grabbed for it and read out, "the day when my mom dropped that branch on my head", frowned, looked at me, looked back at the bit of paper in his hands, and looked back at me.  I, of course, was laughing.  I thought it was awesome the way he read it out, because it was first-person, even though he didn't write the note!  he caught on and began to laugh as well.  "You're so weird, Mom, why would you do that!" he giggled.

"Hey, I've been waiting several months to watch that joke play out - do you remember that day?  Sorry again, by the way, but that was so totally funny!"

so worth it.  soon as the jar was empty of last year's remembrances, the boy put two slips of paper in for this year's memories already.  guess I'll have to think back over the past few weeks since the year began, and see what I can put in the jar for next New Year's Eve.  looking forward to filling another jar (and year) with moments of joy shared with my best guy.

Year in Review 2012...2011?

Well hey there, strangers! 

I've been so goddamned busy and flat out that I haven't taken the time to be with myself for over a month - here it is halfway through April, and I need a self-inflicted ass-kicking, again.  I was riding on such a wave of celebration, as the Winter holidays are followed closely by my and the boy's birthdays, right after which I graduated from college, then went away with friends for the weekend, and had other occasions for making merry as well.  Then it was the end of March/beginning of April, and I finally had a minute to stand still and realize that spring break and Passover were right around the corner, and the bottom fell out of my sanity for a minute, until I remembered what was bothering me, really.  When the pain in my back started, I thought, 'Oh, yeah.  Because this is when Dad died...'  So in order to make my peace with the holiday, I'm going to write my own Seder for next year, and invite folks to my place, but that's another story, today is all about the Year in Review!

Last year, I started with griping about how Nexus still hadn't seen the light of day, and how I was taking a 'leave of absence' from Goddard due to the extreme stress of dealing with my mother in court.  I'm happy to say that Nexus has been completed.  Well, as complete as any piece ever really is, because I'm sure I could still (and always) tweak a few things...but it's an actual book, now, and I'll take some shots to show it off ~

Yaay!  There it is.  In whatever glory it has.  If you want one, you can send me $25 - $40 dollars, and I'll mail it out to you!  The tie-dye one is mine, sorry, but there will be more designs, coming soon!  It's all the same book inside, and each copy will have a unique cover - feel free to let me know if you have any preferences, I'll see what I can do!

So there's a giant 'to do' that's been on my list for years, completed finally.  That and college, all rolled into one, hooray for progress!  I have to say I did a shitty job on my thesis and I ought to be punished for producing such low-caliber work, but I'll go back for my Master's, to redeem my self-worth by taking on the challenge of raising my own bar.  I was gonna take a picture of my diploma, and the nifty little pin they gave me in 'welcome to Goddard's alumni community', but that would be overkill, and really, it's just a piece of paper with my name on it.  That makes two things that are looking much better from this side, this year - another is the dreadful lawsuit, with my evil mother walking away with a mere one visit a month, which is more than I wanted to give her, but it's a great deal less than what she asked for, and that's the end of that.

I'm still dealing with 'tinnitus', the constant ringing in my ears, but I've got myself pretty convinced it's a deep-body issue that will only be solved by yoga, cleanses, and long, hard work.  The itchy red patch of rash on my right ankle is looking MUCH better, and though it still isn't completely healed, it looks and feels better than it has in years...change in diet?  Change in attitude?  College/Nexus?  All of the above..and more?  Still, my general health has improved, even in the face of gaining back the 20 lbs. I managed to lose last year, blech.  We're still in the same apartment, about 10 months now, and it looks like we're doing okay here.  I feel the urge to roam so deep in my bones it hurts, sometimes, but I really think we're where we need to be, so I'm gonna sit tight, and ride it out as best I can.  I made a promise, and that's how I roll.

A promise - measured in the lengthening of my boy's limbs, over a summertime.  Such a promise he is to me, of all my tomorrows, bright and sorrowful.  Age creeping upon me like a looked-for respite, a reason to sit down and smile, while I wave him on ahead, falling ever further behind, disappearing into my own forever.  What an amazing gift is motherhood, and the wisdom we learn from our children - oh, for the chance at another spin around this wheel!  How much we just never know, and how much we just need to love.  And how much of it is silence.  How much?  It's been a trying year of new developments with the boy, as he grows and reasons and learns.  But he is growing, and reasoning, and learning, so I stand on the sidelines and cheer, and hope I'm feeding him the right fire to launch his rockets for the stars.  Poetry is the heat from off his skin - he is magnificence, divine.

No big Summer plans, other than camp for him and work for me, but Rainbow may be on this coast this year, so...we'll see.  I'll probably make another attempt to grow myself a salad on my porch, in pots, and those embarrassing photos will most likely make up my summer stock shares this year, as they have in the past!  One of these days, I'll have some success - I know I will!  Also, I'm sporting a new vehicle this year, Larry, the Chrysler Concorde.  He got named Larry after the guy who sold him to us - the boy put the name in for a suggestion, and the guy made such a big deal about it, telling everyone in the dealership we were naming the car after him, I couldn't not name the car Larry, so there it is.  Larry.  We'll have to come up with a nickname, maybe...

And can you believe?  STILL no boyfriend!  I've decided I just give off a 'not interested' vibe, because in most ways, I'm not interested.  I have enough going on just trying to keep my own little boat floating, the last thing I need is to upset the balance that's barely there to begin with.  Hell, I have a hard enough time making and keeping friends - and lovers can be infinitely more complicated.  How I long for the 80's...HAhahahahaa!  No, but I do, though, for what they were to me in terms of my free-love decade.  For someone who worships at the 'gates of freedom' as I do, this dry spell is enraging!  I am in need of some serious release, people.  Feel free to direct any and all sacrificial lambs to my slaughter.  Although I probably lost more friends that I made this year, and I hope the new ones don't come to hate me as the old ones did, I'm happily reporting being in a much better place than I was last April (at this particular moment), and I feel good for having taken the time to notice that.  So it wasn't a bad year, and here's to all of y'all awesome people whose good energy helps to sustain me, whoever and wherever ye may be!

 

♥ (^_^) ♥

Another Year in Review

Holy crap, another year gone?  It's hard to believe that another year has slipped by so quickly, and where the fuck am I ?  Same goddamned place, a bit worse or a bit better for wear - I'm not sure, it's a hard call.  Maybe I'll leave it to you to decide...

Last year found me out of work, and deciding to go back to school.  That didn't work out so well.  All it left me was further in debt, and still without my degree.  I felt inspired to do some really positive work, and I still do, but 'real life' keeps getting in my way - which is stupid, because creating is the only 'real life' I have, and everything else is just another bullshit way to make paper, another endeavor I have proven to be most unsuccessful with.  'Nexus', my epic work-in-progress still has not seen the light of day, and I started a few other projects that have now been relegated to the top of the 'when I have time and money' pile.  I didn't just walk away from Goddard - once again, events transpired to derail me from my chosen path, and that calls into question either my commitment to my work, or my inability to stand true in the face of adversity, take your pick.  Or have both, I'm not choosy.  Epic fail, both ways, in my opinion.

The biggest obstacle to my pursuit of the elusive degree was The Fight, as I will call it.  The unequivocal nail in the coffin of the relationship I had with my former relatives, the 'family' I was born into.  While I do, and will, miss my nephew and nieces, they will all eventually turn 18 and make their own decisions.  Other than them, and a few cousins, I'm not really all that unhappy to see the rest of them go.  Had I left them without a word 22 years ago, my life may have taken the shape I keep willing for it by now, without all the lingering clouds of doubt cast by the naysayers who never had my best interests in mind.  Sadly, The Bitch has brought this stupid, useless lawsuit into my life, and I fear it will take awhile longer to be fully rid of them after all.  We will all have cake and do our happy dance together when it is done - with the Universe's blessing, I pray with all my heart, to please let it be so.

The stress that The Fight has caused in my life has undoubtedly contributed to the tinnitus I now suffer from on a constant basis, as well as the rash that resides on my right foot.  To be fair, the rash has been there for awhile (though not as long as these 'familial issues'), but the scratching of it is a stress-response, to be sure.  On the other hand, my doctor ran some blood tests and found me to be seriously deficient in the vitamin D department, and beefing up on that particular necessity has helped calm the hurt.  I haven't been smoking for awhile now, coming up on 8 months, just one month short of the longest I've gone without cigarettes for the past 27 or so years of addiction, and I'm pretty happy about that!  My skin seems to have healed pretty well from the burning swelling itchy what-the-fuck that happened as an assumed (more blood tests, awaiting results) allergic reaction to one of the supposedly healthy things I ingested in my attempt to walk the road to wellness - the culprits include the vitamin D, the probiotic, the fish oil, or the 'mercury cleanse', with suspicion resting heavily on the fish oil and the cleanse.  More on that when I get the results of the latest vampirism.  Also a high note - neither Zev nor I have suffered from any of the annual cold/flu/sinusitis/ear infections since our exodus from the County of Orange, and I am thanking the Universe for that blessing as well.  And I'm down 10 pounds, to boot...though, again, that may just be from stress.  Whatevs, I'll take it where I can get it!

We will, unfortunately, be moving again, and I wish the decision to where wasn't plaguing me the way it is.  On the one hand, I frakking hate NY, and have a sincere itch to hightail it back up to VT with all possible haste.  On the other hand, the boy is doing super-awesome in school, and I don't want to remove him from yet another peer group.  In NY I have a job and decent health care, the kid's in a good school, and I have one close friend who I feel I can almost count on.  In VT I have the child's father, and a few close friends I can mostly count on.  I need to leave my apartment because I've managed to somehow be blessed with a section 8 voucher (housing assistance), and the apartment I'm in is not approved by them.  I can take my voucher anywhere in the U.S., so...for once I have some options, and I want to think carefully about where I need to be that will best serve my child and me on as many fronts as possible.  I feel torn in too many directions - hell, I could go out West and make a go of it in AZ or OR.  I even had an offer of asylum in VA!  What to do what to do...  If not for the boy, I'd have been following the Rainbow/Renaissance train long ago.  Screw this living in places and putting down roots - I have Gypsy blood, and it likes to roam, stereotypes aside.  But the boy, oh, the boy...

The boy is AMAZING!  I can't believe how completely awesome he is, even in the wake of all this confusion.  He is smart and loyal, and friendly and funny, and cute as a very cute button and wise beyond his years - he is imaginative and playful and brave and persnickety, he drives me crazy and brings me joy, blows my mind and makes me so very proud.  He's soft and sweet and gentle, he loves babies and kittens and superheros and ninjas and Jedis, Godzilla and Legos, he loves to draw and cut paper, makes pop-up cards, and brings his mama flowers when she's feeling down - flowers that he makes himself out of cut paper.  He loves to dance and sing, tries desperately not to be afraid of monkey bars and riding his bike without the training wheels, saves all his pennies and likes to wear a suit and tie.  He tries to be brave, and for the most part, he succeeds - thunderstorms can still be troubling, though he says he's over it now.  I couldn't love him any more, but if there's a way, I will find it!  He is truly the greatest thing I have managed to bring in to this world, my child of love and light and harmonious vibrations, and he has taught me volumes on who I don't want to be (read:  my own parents), and shows me every day how to ask forgiveness and improve.  I know, I know, you parents of teens and beyond, I've only just begun this journey, but it goes fast, and I want to stay present in it and glory in it's majesty while I can.  Yes, it makes me crazy when he thinks he knows more than me, or chastises me for drinking soda, but it's also very sweet, and I want him to feel confident enough to voice his opinion when it is helpful - like a few weeks ago, when I was having trouble remembering if I was supposed to be traveling North or South on that particular highway, he piped up from his booster seat, "it's South!  I read the directions!"  My angel..!

We had a great Summer, last, and I can't wait to be free of the routine of school (until camp starts) so we can explore the swimming holes and camping trips this Summer has to offer - we have a trip planned to High Valley with our Lake Circle friends, but Rainbow will be out in Washington this year, and I wish with all my heart our car and finances could carry us out there, but I think they most likely will not (the car is in sad shape after the crash of a few weeks back).  I cheesed on my friend's Summer Stock blog-share thing last year, but I hope to remember to find joy in collecting images again this year - be they digital images, or actual photographs.  I don't have the luxury of a garden with this apartment, and the few plants I had left suffered greatly in the last move, but hopefully our new digs will afford me the opportunity to stick my hands in some soil again, soon.

Still no boyfriend, and all those presenting themselves for the possibility are sorely lacking.  The ex says I'm just too damn fat to expect anything more, but he can kiss my firm, plump ass and like it.  Somehow, I manage to convince myself I am still beautiful.  Many of my friends are struggling with desperately difficult circumstances, and I continue to be there for them through my own struggles, because that's what keeps us holding on - being there for each other.  I have probably alienated some of the people in my life whose lives are smooth sailing for the most part, for the simple reason that they just don't need me.  I like to be needed.  I like being leaned on, and holding people up - because I know that when I fall, they will be there to catch me.  I have never made anyone feel ashamed of anything they've done, or judged them harshly for their choices.  I sympathize, empathize and commiserate - I understand.  This is all the blessing I have to give to you right now, dear readers, but know that you can call on me whenever for whatever, and I will be there as best I can for you.  Even those of you who don't know how to be there for me.

Selah

Year in Review II

Just a few more things to finish the list out, and then on to new endeavors...

Ah, my boy!  Could a mama be prouder?  The little bugger is just so cute and funny, and full of life and empathy, and creativity, and wonder.  What an excellent little creature I get to play slave to!  To be fair, I'm a pretty lazy slave, and he's getting to the point of being able to do most things by himself, short of cook or drive, but we're working on that...  He's done well in kindergarten, I'm pleased by his enthusiasm for learning (even though he whines about hating homework already, sheesh), and he seems to be socially active within his class.  I love all the little things he builds out of K'Nex or Lego, his awesome drawings, and the stories he's starting to write - we had a great time inking and stamping the other night, and he put together a three page story called six guitars which were flying through the sky.  I just count my blessings with him, as I try to squish him into a little ball on my lap where he hardly fits anymore (my baby!), and come to terms with his growing being.  He still hardly eats, and I worry over his health, but he seems to be growing and developing, even if he is a bit small.  He can have a nasty attitude, and speak with such disrespect it's shocking, but I am strict with him, and I can go a bit overboard myself, so I try to take it in stride and see it as a need for improvement in my own communication skills.  On the whole, I think we do pretty well with each other, but I have to say the future does look a bit scary!  I wish I had more people around and more opportunities to get him together with kids outside of school, as he's got a tendency to talk all day in class to his buddies, and not get his work done.  I think we need a more active social life.  Not sure what I'm going to do about the Summer, if I'm going to try to send him to camp or anything, but as of now, I'm not working, so...no hurry?  We'll see.

I really do need to find a job, though, I can't pay the bills by going back to college!  Unemployment isn't enough, obviously, and my child support is good for keeping a positive balance in my checkbook, which leaves my meager saving that I don't really want to start cutting into.  The whole point of my going back to school was to be able to do a bit better for myself financially, even though I have no idea how that's going to manifest itself.  It still seems completely unbelievable to me that I could make a living with my photos, or my words, or combinations thereof, but I'm beginning to remember what the possibility of that felt like, and I'm letting it lead my process.  It's really great to be going to Goddard, and tying up that loose end - and being at the residency was really fun and inspiring, and enlightening.  I just love to get all excited about stuff and make connections like that, and I hope to be able to bring some of that spirit to the community I live in, and discover where that can lead me.  Who knows, it may lead me right back to Vermont!

It's also mind-blowing to think that 'nexus' (nexus of ecstasy has been the working title for my scribblings for years) may actually see the light of day sometime this decade.  That's such a good feeling!  My only fear now is that once I get done with it, and I do think there's a good amount of work in it, that I'll be done!  Like there won't be anymore!  Ha!  Ridiculous...  I pulled four possible projects out of scrap photos I had left over from test shots and images that just didn't work, and some that just never got finished.  I have quite an archive, actually, and I feel lucky to have been smart enough to document the journey, because sometimes, I forget I was there!  I get so bogged down in laundry and dishes, and jesus have I ever once DUSTED in 2 years?  and what am I gonna do for money will the check clear in time?  that I forget to just sit
                                                                                                             and light some incense maybe
                                                                                                                                  breathe deeply
                                                                                                                                        and slowly
                                                                                                                                    remember to take
                                                                                                                                 one step at a time
                                                                                                                                   let the mind go
                                                                                                                                     and the spirit flies

behold the possibility.

Gosh, there's still so much to do!  It seems like, 'it's been a year, I should be farther along towards my goals', but also, 'look how far I've come in a year!'  I wanted to have 'nexus' all typed out in one cohesive form, and I haven't done that, but now it turns out that might not be the way to go with it, and I might be well on my way to discovering the way of it as part of my project for school.  So it all works out, still, in the end.  Not that it's by any means over, but just a beginning, in the worst, most cliched sense, I'm sorry.  Well, in any event, I'm getting back on track with what I meant to do with my life, before I let all the other dumb crap get in the way - and it was all good and fun dumb crap, and I learned alot, and I could have been doing much dumber crap, but it didn't move me ahead any further in the game, and now I have to cram at the last minute for a change.  I guess this is the part where I give myself a pep talk about how I did alright this year, but I didn't work up to my level of potential, and I want to see some more improvements in the months ahead, and then we can enjoy an unbeatable season - but I have to remain vigilant, and stick to my training schedule or all is lost before I'm even out of the gate.  What the bloody hell am I on about? 

I guess all in all, I've had worse years, and I suppose I'll be reliving some of them as I plod through the writings of yesteryear, but maybe it'll help put things in perspective.  Perhaps I'll see that I'm not so far off from my goals, that I didn't really get too far off the track, that the uncompromising dedication to writing is, in fact, going to pay off.  I see that I'm the same unwavering self I've always been, just not as pretty, and I don't laugh, sing or dance quite as much as I used to - and I want more sleep.  Days of it.  A week even...  Well, it's the weekend now, and it's after noon, so on to the dreaded laundry and grocery shopping chores.  Maybe we'll even go to the toy store, because the kid has $40 he's dying to spend on more crap, like he doesn't have enough, and I 'm running out of room to put it all!  Really, I want to work in the garden and sip cocktails, but I don't want to spend the money on garden supplies today, and the fridge is close to empty.  And the pile of laundry has worn out it's welcome on the living room floor.  Ugh.  Pry fat ass off of bed, turn off computer, take part in real life activities in real time.  Spend time with child.  Enjoy life -->  GO

Oh yeah - any ideas what I should do with the porn?  I had one friend suggest I send it to her, but I don't know what she's planning on doing with it...  Is there still a forum in Penthouse?  Will they pay for it?  Any ideas and suggestions would be welcome!