8 years of memory jars! wow...and it's been a year, that's for sure. the kind of year where I found myself saying to my kid, "I know it's been shitty, but let's sit down and make the effort to think of a few good things to put in our jar so we have something to share on New Year's Eve. maybe we have enough space from the trauma of it all to appreciate the experiences?" hopeful as I was, I suppose I was bound to be disappointed, especially since my Teen showed more interest in the process last New Year's than he has in the past, by insisting on designing our yearly star himself. it was a pretty star, but his enthusiasm for the project didn't carry through. read on to find out what was good for us in 2021:
ok, well...there were significantly less happy moments in our jar than there have been in the past, but as I've said, and I'm sure we can all agree, it's been a pretty rough year all around (unless you're a billionaire that got richer from all the collective suffering, in which case, karma will get you my pretties). the 'awful' was not just pandemic related in our case - I mean, my mom died, and then we lost our housing and had to move. it's been utterly terrible, and we've had quite a rough time navigating it all, but I think we're coming through it a bit, one way or another.
for myself, even though I fell off my running game after Mom died, the gift of running shoes was/is a blessing, and definitely made the journey more fun (not to mention easier), and when I'm ready to get back to it (soon, soon), they'll be waiting for me. and since I spent the year responsibly keeping mostly away from people, it was wonderful to spend time with two of my close friends who made the effort to help me feel loved and cared for around my birthday. my mom spent two blessed weeks visiting before she died, for which I will forever be grateful, and during those weeks we had a lot of fun together, because she was moving away, and we didn't know when we were going to see each other again. sigh...it wasn't supposed to be 'never'; she was planning to come to the Teen's high school graduation this summer. anyway, Slapshot was one of her favorite movies, so I've seen it about 5,678 times and know it by heart - but I wasn't really watching it that night, I was watching my mom laugh harder than she had for a long time, and it made my heart happy. and she kicked our asses in Yahtzee so bad, the Teen accused her of cheating, lol!
as for the Teen...he had it rough. more than a year of remote learning, not being able to go anywhere or do anything with his friends...they did stay in touch through online gaming, but...it wasn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination, and I feel all their relationships were hurt by the separation. he needed to get out so badly he ran away from home for two weeks and sent me spiraling even further into depression as if losing my second parent and my housing wasn't enough. he was similarly affected, and more. we worked through it well enough to be on a somewhat even keel now, and honestly, I don't feel like it's my place to talk about him so much on my blog any more, as he's past old enough to have a say in such things, and I know if I asked him, he'd tell me not to write about him, so...I (mostly) won't. I can speak to the fact that he had some truly wonderful moments this year, but I recognize that there's some real healing he needs to do in order to feel ready to acknowledge them. I truly hope he does.
some things that didn't make the jar but should have, include (for me): taking part in the Roma Women's Poetry Project writing workshops sponsored by ERIAC, having one of the pieces I wrote included in Wagtail, the first anthology from Butcher's Dog magazine, and taking part in the online launch event. spending time with friends, going to my son's gigs, and reconnecting with my tarot practice were also highlights, as well as going on a few dates, even though they didn't pan out into anything worth writing about. during a time in history when things could be so much worse, I'm exceedingly grateful for the privilege of continuing to have opportunities to create my life in the ways that nurture and sustain me, mind, body, and spirit, and to have the means to offer compassion and understanding to as many others as possible. I hope absolutely everyone gets to feel similarly blessed this year ~
check out our memory jar posts from years past, below!
since I got a new tarot deck (This Might Hurt) I'm gonna get to know it better by going through each card in each of my decks, to compare and contrast them, in no particular order (ok, maybe in some semblance of order), and in no particular time frame. how's that? sound good? cool. I totally did not randomly chose to start with The Fool, because where else do you start a journey? well, some of you might like to plan and pack and save, but I just...jump and hope a net will appear. so it seems of our Fool, hey?
here's why I love Isabella Rotman's version: first and foremost, the ambiguous gender/gender neutrality of the archetype. in joining a tarot group to find community to be in during the pandemic after having been a mostly solitary practitioner for most of my life, the very first thing that struck me was the lack of diversity in our (the group's) tarot tools, and I wanted a new deck to reflect my new understanding of what a deck could be, immediately. and this Fool is perfect. they've got they're bag, they're not looking where they're going, they're smelling a rose while about to step off a cliff even though their little dog is warning them...the patched pants, the bird on their shoulder, the budding tree, the hand...perfect.
for comparison, here's a look at The Fool from Fergus Hall's Tarot of the Witches - my first deck, the one I've been working with since 1984. this dude is peeking out underneath his blindfold as his vicious little dog rips his pants in imitation of the Coppertone baby's pose, while he tosses eight coins to the wind, and lets the other hand swish in the breeze. even though he's got both the sun and the moon suggesting the ongoing opportunity for endless experience (and a heart on his cheek, and a cheeky grin), he's still going over that cliff in his adventurously frivolous colors. I always wondered if he'd manage to grab on to the little tree to save himself...
in the oh-so-white and fairy cartoon-y Tarot of a Moon Garden deck, we have this...fellow? entity..? archetype. well, they seem to be floating above the Earth, with their little dog seemingly happy about it, possibly just content to chase the bubbles and baubles appearing around the Fool's ballerina-slipper clad feet...all three of them. dancing between the dawn and dusk? it seems half of this person is steeped in the light of the full moon at night, while the other half is parading through the noon of a sunny day at the same time. and so many hands! four of them, holding a paintbrush, a poppet, a butterfly net, and a pomegranate. there's also a heart on their one sleeve, a star on the other - bells on the colorful skirt, hat, and shoes; a butterfly with antennae curled into a heart; a crescent moon over the eye on the 'daylight' side of the body, a star over the eye on the 'nighttime' side. there's a lot going on here to process.
The Lover's Tarot, which I like because it's HUGE, consists of only the major arcana - a fun deck for a fun reading! I've used it a few times for community readings, but no one's asked me for it for a personal reading, yet. check this guy out, though - he's like the poster boy for pasty white noble-whatsis and caped colonizers. is that a little fish purse? seriously? I want this guy to fall off the cliff, but it doesn't even look like he's trying...just leaning in with that one knee, and somehow messing up the carefree wave of the right hand with an awkward gesture to match the odd stance. and his poor, sad-looking dog! it seems to me like this Fool's belt, cape, and red tights are the only ones excited for the possibility of adventure; that the youth wearing them is too naive to know that the city down there holds any promise for him under that oddly flat, yet inspiringly illuminated sun.
it's taking me some time to feel comfortable working with the HooDoo Tarot, and that's as it's meant to be. so who is The Free Man? he comes with New Testament quotes and a plant correspondence, neither of which I'm familiar with, and while the one is basic enough, the other required me to look it up and find out that I know 'Jimsonweed' as 'datura'. learning already, not bad! there's no cliff here, or a little dog warning this man of any danger, but we're told that carrying a jar of dirt away from this particular tomb is a daring act of purpose or lunacy. there's no carefree toss of a hand, here, no budding tree on the edge of a day, just a wise knowing, and the fatigue of that burden. he seems to show us not how to face up to our fears, but to ascend past them through the fiery belief in our own purpose.
also, I couldn't resist gifting myself this adorable pocket edition of The Wild Unknown by Kim Krans that comes in its own tin - so cute! - so I'm full up on decks at the moment (still want a Thoth deck, though)! what's fun and unique about this deck is that to my mind, it doesn't follow the 'traditional' art framework at all, and instead, encourages us to find something new in the interpretations of the symbols by relating them to nature and the outdoors. how to represent The Fool without the regular trappings? how to communicate that sense of spontaneity and adventure, danger, and heightened awareness without a cliff, a dog, a flourish, a bag of tricks, bright and colorful clothing, a budding tree or flower, mountains or a city in the distance? draw a baby bird on a tree limb about to take its first leap of faith. do you feel like you understand The Fool a bit more, now?
I know I do. which deck is your favorite? which would be your first choice for a reading, and which would be your last...or which would you never pick? why? if you read tarot, do you have a favorite deck? I'd love to hear about it in the comments!
it feels like forever since I posted a community reading but I've been moving house, so between the packing up and looking for an apartment (again), and doing the actual lift & carry, I've been a bit absent to say the least. here it is two weeks later, and I'm just starting to get back to my routines, as the whole process was emotionally, mentally, and very physically draining, and I've needed some serious recuperation time filled with relaxation and self-care. not to mention all the astrology! how have you all managed to navigate: the Venus/Mars alignment, Chiron & Eris going retrograde, Midsummer, and the Lion's Gate portal energy? it's been a roller-coaster ride of emotional turmoil for me and mine, and I'm looking forward to the gentle energy of the next full (blue) moon on the 22nd.
image I found on the internet that I couldn't find any info on ~
for today's community reading, I'm using the Tarot of a Moon Garden because the moon is obviously on my mind. we're currently at a waxing crescent, but I'm feeling the pull to be more attuned to moon energy as the days get shorter, and we sink deeper into the dark half of the year. I know it's a weird thing to think about while we're still engulfed in a heat wave in the US, with the annual wildfires burning on our western coast, but as the weather gets ever more extreme, I'm doing my best to tune in to how the Earth herself wants me to roll with the updates. also with peri- or menopause, I'm not as aware of my own cycles, so am looking to the heavens for guidance and wisdom. here's what we got:
image shows four cards from the Tarot of a Moon Garden - The Empress/The Chariot/2 of Pentacles/The Moon, on a pastel background with horizontal silver stripes, crowned by eucalyptus, a gold-tipped feather, driftwood, and a fairy jar.
wow, look at all that creative energy in motion! I dropped one card while shuffling and set it aside, then drew the first three cards. after looking them over and hearing their message, I turned over the 'jumper' card, and would you believe it was The Moon? of course you would, because you believe in magic and synchronicity (and I posted a picture), and you know I smiled when I saw it and said, "of course." so what is it saying?
The Empress - abundance, bounty, generative fertility, She is the Garden of Eden, an Earthly paradise. all things creative and sensual, nature and nurture, coming to fruition. the spirit that fills our existence, unstructured inspiration, joyful wholeness. bring this loving, compassionate energy into your life, let it infuse your days and electrify your nights - start that project, support its growth! pregnancy? birth? who knows? be in nature, and feel thankful for all it offers!
The Chariot - authentic power and purpose, well earned victory. who can we be through the refinement of our habits and rituals once we know ourselves? "what's next" energy. confidence and control. harness this determined and triumphant energy for success - act on it with focus, push through, and win! ...and maybe there's some travel coming soon for some of you?
Two of Pentacles - harmonies dancing in the midst of change. skillfully balanced, but...are your priorities getting the attention they deserve? adapt and flow, adjust as needed on repeat.
bonus card:
The Moon - dreams, magic, mystery...honor your imagination, listen to your heart, and hold hands with your fear of the unknown. nothing is what it seems, here, so use your intuition over your thought process, feel what's right in your gut. work with the moon's phases, and it's light, for clarity and understanding. finding those hidden truths, and freeing them from the past, is the best way forward.
Tarot of a Moon Garden - The Moon card
I hope everyone has been well - and again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is
for anyone who wants/needs it! as always, I hope there's something in
here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.
hello my darlings - I'm enjoying doing these community readings, and I hope you are getting something out of them too. this week, I didn't feel called to ask any specific questions, I just wanted to clear my mind, shuffle, and see what the cards themselves had to offer. the deck asking to be utilized for the task was the Celtic Tree Oracle - interesting because they're not really cards I use, but cards I keep because they were a gift from a dear friend, and many years ago, a deck belonging to a different dear friend gave me some profound insights into my life at that time. while there isn't a Celtic bone in my body (though there could be a past life...), I deeply respect the traditions of others, and love the natural connection these cards invite us into through the trees. as it happened, I had the opportunity to do this reading outdoors, so I sat down under a bur oak, and enjoyed the scent of wild rose in the air while paying attention to the details in the images. though there is a particular system which one is supposed to employ for their use, I know these cards well enough to know that they don't mind my freestyling. so - let's see what wisdom they have to offer us:
image shows three cards from The Celtic Tree Oracle deck on a pastel colored cloth with silver stripes. on the left we have 'Quert' (apple), in the center 'Muin' (vine), and on the right Ioho (yew). each card has the corresponding Ogham lettering in the border on each side of the center tree image, a detail below, and intricate knotwork designs all around.
Quert - Apple: ah, the apple! one of the oldest known cultivated fruits, it is associated with choice, possibly between similarly attractive options, though the options may matter less than the fact of a choice needing to be made. in Arthurian legend, apples are connected to Merlin and Avalon - a secret mystical island where the uninitiated must not eat of the fruit, for it contains the Pythagorean pentagram (the seeds in the shape of a star, possibly symbolizing divine wisdom). it was both where Excalibur was forged, and where Arthur was laid to rest, and said to come back from someday. I always think of the Greek goddess Eris in connection to apples, and the chaos she instigated with her golden apple for 'the prettiest one' that started the Trojan War, as well as the Garden of the Hesperides where that golden apple was grown.
from "How Merlin Dwelt Among His Druids in a Secret Orchard in Celyddon, in the Emperor Arthur's Time"
Muin - Vine: this card is associated with Lughnassadh/Lammas, the August 1st Celtic beginning-of-harvest-season festival dedicated to the Sun. grape vines - in the context of wine - speaks to the release of prophetic powers, letting go of logic and intellect, and letting intuition lead. permitting instinct to show you what needs doing, allowing emotion to flow freely, and openly trusting your senses to act for you. be open to noticing all the signs and omens. *at this point in my meditation of the cards I kept noticing a heavenly scent of flowers which I couldn't identify, but oh, it made me look! on my way out of the park I found the source - these wild roses in the image posted below. intoxicating! I used to work at an apple orchard, and one of the many things I learned from old Mr. Soons was that roses are in the same family as apples, as are peaches, pears, plums, strawberries and cherries. also, there's a theory that the golden apples in the Garden of the Hesperides - the "nymphs of the evening" - may really have been oranges! (signs & omens)
wild roses!
Ioho - Yew: several of the oldest trees on Earth are yews, and as such, are deeply sacred. their branches grow down into the ground to form new stems and trunks, and when the old trunk dies, new ones grow from it, giving this tree the meaning of rebirth and reincarnation. a new soul sprung from ancient roots in a new body. that the eldest of the oldest yew trees (age estimates vary between 2000 to 9000 years old) stand in churchyards shows they were previously sites of ancient Bardic/Druidic groves; interestingly enough, in 2015, one of these appeared to have changed sex (the ongoing reemergence of goddess energy in the collective consciousness?)! the longbows the Celts were known for their skill with were carved from yew, and while the needles were historically used to brew poison, it can be used homeopathically as well. this card is direct contact with your past, spiritual strength renewed, a revivification - understanding through wisdom that was always there, which we may have forgotten, or ignored. things that were, are, always will be ~
Ioho (Yew) card detail with intricate boarder knotwork, Ogham letter, center image of tree, and inset detail of trunk, needles, and berries, in muted colors.
look for an upcoming choice, which when paying attention to signs omens, calls for the possibility of a new life growing from the old one. dive deep into the well of your own understanding, and trust what you find there!
thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is
for anyone who wants/needs it! as always, I hope there's something in
here for you, personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.
here's something I've been meaning to talk about for awhile - tarot, and my connection to reading cards. I got my first deck 37 years ago at the (long since defunct) cool local head shop the OM where they sold silver jewelry, leather goods, paraphernalia, posters, groovy clothing, black lights, incense, tarot cards, and various 'adult' items I didn't yet know the use for. of all the things I bought there over my teen years, I only still have this amazing deer suede shirt by Erda, and my Tarot of the Witches deck of tarot cards (scroll down at the link for a deck review).
where did I first learn about tarot? in my mother's shelves of books which included Eden Gray's Tarot Revealed: A Modern Guide to Reading the Tarot Cards? in the library stacks, where I discovered so much more? in the music I listened to, the people I bonded with? or was it in the head shop itself, the first time I saw that High Priestess image in her jewel tones, on the outside of the box, her cold stare beckoning to me from some weird, nightmarish, yet oddly comforting circus-world. I learned many years later from some acquaintances who owned a bookstore that this unique deck by Fergus Hall was featured in the 1973 James Bond film Live and Let Die. so weird!
Roger Moore as 007 & Jane Seymour as Solitaire
in a way, it's cliche to be (part) Roma and read tarot cards, and I did 'work' the exoticism many of my cousins complain about feeling targeted and harassed for before I understood the implications of that sexualized perspective to those without my privilege. now, I feel like plenty of people capitalize on tenuous and non-existent links to marginalized cultures, so why should I feel bad about owning my own cultural heritage, especially when it has nothing to do with my interest in tarot? how my father hated to see me dabbling in the occult; how averse he was to anything that might be interpreted as 'witchcraft' from growing up with a stigma about being Roma, as well as Jewish - a culture which abhors the witch. for sure I was the only kid in my high school class doing readings in the school
library during lunch! the folks I met later at Renaissance fairs, Rainbow gatherings, pagan camp-outs, and work with in a coven had more of a connection to esoteric knowledge, and through them my understanding of tarot & magick deepened and grew. even though I've been drawn to other styles and types of tarot decks and spreads, I've mostly only ever used my own deck, other than a few reads with a friend's Celtic Tree Oracle (though there isn't a Celtic bone in my body), and had never read any minor arcana cards because in my deck, those cards are 'pips' - just a picture of the suit with that number of cups/batons/coins/swords on it - rather than the well-known picture cards imbued with symbolic meanings.
10 of cups on the bottom right is a 'pip' card.
during my last round of college I met a well-educated, forthright, outspoken, proud young Cale woman from a well-known Flamenco family who taught me what it meant to be an advocate for the Roma people, and through her, I became acquainted with many other Romani scholars, activists, and artists. and wonderful as it was to finally get access to real and empowering information about Roma people and culture, it was just as hard to feel shut down by some of them because tarot card reading/belly dancing/poetry writing/white girl Roma who say G*psy and claim to have Romani grandmothers yet no tradition/language/community get told by more traditional Roma who know who they are and grew up in communities with shared languages to sit down, and stay in our lane. they call us 'didikoi' (half-breed), and sometimes even 'gadje' (non-Roma), because they know how much it hurts. now, I have a great deal of respect for those scholars, activists, and artists, but I also see that I can be proud of my Roma heritage, and still read cards, while being an active voice in the conversation to uplift our communities. I feel that I have a responsibility to speak about Roma issues from where I
stand, without what is considered to be a 'traditional' upbringing, and I have every right to do my work for financial gain, as well. why waste my energy envying folks for doing the same work I've felt called to do for so many years, out of some sense of moral conscience, just because someone who doesn't know me said I can't/shouldn't? now that I've had a few years of feeling badly for possibly misrepresenting my own culture in the past when I knew less about it, in a world where so many appropriators are out there doing it every day, and since I now know better and do my best to elevate the narrative, I honestly no longer see any problem with my engaging in a practice I've studied for decades, no matter what ethnicity, religion, or traditional folkways I come from.
I believe in using
the tarot as a tool to help clear your mind, to think deeply about the
situations in your life, and help guide your decisions. there are those
who do less and claim more.
a friend of mine recently downsized their home, so they gifted me a number of different tarot decks, some of which I was able to pass on to other people who needed them. soon after that, I felt a strong draw towards Katelan Foisy's P7: Planetarium workshops during which I really reconnected with that way of being 'witchy' - getting back to my cards, burning candles & herbs, charging and using crystals in ritual, working with the moon, engaging with astrology, sigils, goddess energy, chakras, dreams...it was refreshingly inspiring. during that time, I'd been seeing a flyer for Shea's tarot group at the library, and didn't manage to get to it in person before it went online for the pandemic - which I'm glad it did, as it's been great to have what amounts to a women's group to connect with regularly this past year! so through that online group, I've been renewing my relationship with the major arcana from a more diverse and mature perspective, bringing in all I've learned through both my academic and independent research in family systems theory, mythology, folklore, ethnography, storytelling, and collective and personal experience. I'm also learning how to work with the minors which obviously opens up a whole new level of understanding for me after all these years, which has been deeply gratifying.
for the online group, I'd been working with the Tarot of a Moon Garden as it was the only deck I had that's based on Pamela Coleman Smith's artwork, though it's a bit fairie-cartooney for me, and...not quite right. I'd been wanting to get a deck that spoke to my newer understanding of what a deck can be - like the the Thoth deck I've been wanting to work with for at least 30 years, now - and I had recently become aware of The Hoodoo Tarot through Katelan, who I didn't at first realize had done the artwork, or had done a previous Oracle deck with Tayannah Lee McQuillar (the Sibyls Oraculum). I didn't want to buy it, though, because something I read made me feel like the deck was only really meant for a certain population, and that as a non-white white person, it isn't a population I belong to, so I promoted it out of my love for it, but did what I thought was staying in my lane by not buying it.
"The Hoodoo Tarot
is a Gorgeous deck, and I keep going back to look at it! I was
recently lamenting the lack of Black, Indigenous, and People of Color on
tarot decks in general, and while I have no knowledge of, nor cultural
connection to, Hoodoo (or Rootwork), I am still Very drawn to this deck,
and would love to work with it!" - Oct. 2019
during a recent wander through Barnes & Noble, I was pleased to see The Hoodoo Tarot on the shelf with a few other forward-thinking decks I recently became aware of, and it occurred to me...first of all, right on Tayannah & Katelan! and if they're selling that deck in Barnes & Noble, hopefully to enough people to earn them a good living along with the other work they do, then as someone who deeply respects the traditions and cultures of others stemming from a history of having my own misunderstood and disrespected, I can certainly work with this deck, too. I didn't have enough in the budget to buy it right then, but after receiving some monetary gifts for my recent birthday, I happily went back for it (and gotten the This Might Hurt & The Wild Unknown decks, as well).
look!!!
I've also learned to branch out from the classic 10-card Celtic cross and explore different spreads. the Celtic Tree Oracle uses a fairly elaborate 15-card set-up, and Froud's Faerie Oracle uses one and three card pulls for beginner basics, then encourages dabblers to use their intuition to draw cards about a situation or conflict, and formulate a series of deeper questions based on the number of cards drawn. some of the folks I follow on instagram will posts links to different spreads from other readers, but I can't always tell what the source is, and as a librarian's kid who's spent time in academics, if I can't cite it, I won't reference it. and though I'm not new to doing this work, I'm new to advertising online that I do it, and I realize that not only is there a learning curve, but there are SO many others out there with much more business acumen and advertising savvy doing the same thing, and it's rather daunting...and I certainly don't want to step on any toes! in that spirit, I'll share some of my favorite online resources: I really dig the intuitive astrology by Tanaaz of Forever Conscious, the weekly readings from moonandcactus on instagram are great, and I like 3am.tarot for spreads and card meanings. Meg's (3am.tarot) seasonal tarotscopes on autostraddle are really meaningful for me, and her instagram crystal pairings make me stop and think about what I'm looking to clarify. astrology isn't a field I've worked with much past in the past, and I'm still learning the basics past my own sun sign, stars, and planets, but it works well with tarot for me in terms of giving me a frame in which to hang ritual work around (think Solstices and Equinoxes).
so, this is my way of saying that I am once again going to be offering tarot card readings! the decks I currently work with are: Tarot of the Witches, The Celtic Tree Oracle, The Fairy Oracle, the Lover's Tarot, Tarot of a Moon Garden, The Hoodoo Tarot, The Living Altar, the This Might Hurt tarot, & The Wild Unknown. get in touch with me so we can work together - and since I'm all about helping people connect with their own cultural heritage, I'm happy to help you figure out what that is, and which deck or decks would be right for you for a reading. also, the best way for me to do this work is by giving something back to the various organizations that also seek to reconnect folks to their heritage/culture, and preserve it, so we can figure out how that might look for you, as well. following is a list of organizations I believe in, and am happy to support, and please let me know if there's another group/organization you'd like to see on this list. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!
nighttime. the house asleep. heart thumping, the sealed jar taken down and out beneath the swollen spring moon. to the river, swiftly, through the forest. down the rocks and across the sand, to the water's edge. so beautiful...but there's little time. draw, with the big stick, a circle in the sand. mark the directions, and say hello. open the jar, hold it up, think about what's in it, how old it is, where it came from. why. place it on its side in the river. let its blood run out. set it free. is this what it was meant for? didn't it seem like it had more of a story to tell? why? what has been set loose? where did it go? too long, too long..! rinse it out and seal it up; time to go. thank those who watch over, in the opposite direction. grateful for the big stick, up over the rocks, across the grassy strip, into the trees. heart back to thumping because it's bear season, but the sounds of footsteps and a big stick meaning to be respectfully heard should be enough, and the scent they would be after is back in the river, now, anyway. the house lights comfortably close, steps slow, breathing expands out. now what?
equinox sap, rutting season.
the drums bring her back.
where the hell..? where am I now?
she wonders.
oh yeah, the River. awesome! I love these people!
her head bobs deeply with the beat as she smiles, digs the rhythm. duende. she changes her direction and does a little spin, changes it up, and one of the drums comes with her. she lets him go because she needs to steady herself after such a bold move, and find the swing again.
I was lost just a minute ago, need to balance!
so she catches the net the drum throws out, and hangs in.
right. it's time.
moving gently in waves towards the altar, she takes a deep breath and begins to gather in the energy of the drummers and the dancers, pulling it into her. she throws another spin in, but wilder, and more focused. feet stamping. arms stretching, reaching, encompassing...she throws her head back and bends her knees, then lifts the bowl, slowly, carefully, overhead. gazing up at it, and out into the heavens. she pours a smooth stream of blood over the rocks of the altar where it pools around the bases of dozens of candles, offering plates, flowers and herbs, crystals, fruits bones grains mixed with honey and wine seeping into the stones dripping into the earth where they danced
where they danced
hear us. amen.
the drums were signaling, so she came back again. swaying with the bowl in her hands, dripping its last onto the flowers before her feet, she bowed to the altar and replaced the bowl. dancing back, she turned to face the drummers, and they all met her eyes. yes. they beat the ritual out. a collective whoop from all those dancing set a seal on the night's work, and some fell to the ground, some shook out last ya-yas, and a few were left spinning...spinning...and laughing. there were sighs, and lots of breathing. then came the hugs. everyone embraced in what became an all-group mosh, with many sighs, deep with feeling and the closeness of days of journeying. the drummers joined in and all hands reached to massage arms
shoulders
necks.
of those who were hungry, they went to food.
of those who were thirsty, they went to drink.
of those who were tired, they went to sleep.
of those who were aroused, they made love.
many made love. many made it with others.
many did it roughly, like animals - out in the open, biting clawing growling, with teeth blood and bruises. like a good fight, fierce and tight. a coupling. a mating ritual. death.
three did it hidden in a grove like fairies, all soft and fluttery, breath letting out in peals and tiny gasps, exquisite. a wonder, a discovery. life.
one did it alone. and with everyone, everywhere. rebirth.
(and they had pie) his father's tools in his hands conquer the world.
this tragic hero, this...John of Arc. John of Philly, California. John of My Heart.
this motherfucker.
this work of art.
what can be said would be right? shine on you crazy diamond? I don't even know how that hurts. I can't walk the walk, and I can't talk the talk, but I do my best, so fuck off.
happiness is the obvious choice, but why go for the obvious choice? I do want to talk about my health, though, so I'll do: Health & Happiness! less obvious, and more ambiguous...
literally my 8th post on this blog, all the way back in 2009, was about my weight! I'm not going to search through 10 years worth of posts, though...wait. I can just search them by labels, if I labelled them in such a way as to be able to find them...
under the label 'diet': there are only post from 2018, when I did the Whole30 challenge this past summer.
under the label 'food journal': the same
and under 'healthy lifestyle': starting in May, just before I started the Whole30.
I know, I'm not being very body positive, but it's My journey, and I get to talk about it how I like!
I'm sure I've talked about my health & happiness on this blog before, I'm just not searching in a way that's yielding results. in any case, I weighed in at 245.2 yesterday! the teen and I discussed what wrestling weight class that would put me in, and if we thought I could beat the guy who wrestles at that weight class in their school. I've been drinking lemon water in the mornings, taking 10 minutes to be grateful, and doing as many sun salutations as I can - which has literally - pathetically - been one, but I think I'm going to try and push it to two soon. I'm behind schedule because the full moon and other facts are simultaneously lighting a fire under me/holding me back, and I wanted to get to the page. I also hadn't checked my blood in ages, so I did that, too, and it was 130 yesterday, and this morning was at 195! so even though I don't Feel sick, or in any way affected by diabetes, it would behoove me to go back to paying more attention. this journey on/to/through/about 50 is more than just a birthday, or 'lose 50 before 50' (which I obviously failed miserably), it's about Here I Am. This Is Where I Find Myself - and not in the *waves hands around* like some animated hippie talking about 'finding himself, man...' way - like my physical location, in a human body, on this timeline. I've lived by the seat of my pants; the skin of my teeth; flying by night; where the day took me; by my wit, will, and wiles. time to...do what? fix it? I don't know...
I feel really positive right now - it's probably the vitamin D from the sun. but I have been, once again, taking steps to merge the immensity of my knowledge with the smallness of my mind, and remember to take care of the simple things that can be ever so beneficial to my aging body. my newest thing is I've been drinking hot lemon water in the morning along with taking the time to be grateful and set my intentions, doing a few (okay, one) sun salutations, taking better care of my teeth, and eating breakfast.
on one recent 'lemon water morning', I was feeling good, so I spontaneously threw in a small shot of apple cider vinegar, and a dropper-full of iodine (supports healthy thyroid function), which I assumed wouldn't taste all that grand, so I added a teaspoon of honey as well. but Wow, it sure was a kick in the tonic!
so here's the recipe for my newly invented 'morning tonic' gleaned by searching 'best morning tonics', cross-referencing 10 different recipes, and making up one for my own. they all included lemon and ginger, most had turmeric, some called for honey, less for syrup, some for cayenne or black pepper. one included apple cider vinegar, one a pinch of cinnamon. while using coconut water does sound appealing, the addition of parsley does not:
I just got my teeth cleaned, too, which is great because I'm starting to take my periodontal health more seriously, now that it's so irreversibly advanced. so I spend about 20 minutes 'pulling' coconut oil (which is sloshing it around my mouth) before brushing and flossing regularly. that's approximately 30 minutes to take care of my teeth each day. I hope it helps!
I don't know what that Periodontitis tooth is so happy about...
cooking Friday dinner kicked my back out this week, so I skipped everything on Saturday (it was the teen's birthday, and we had plans that weren't going to wait for me to do my full 2 hour routine) but got right back to it the next day. I did 2 sun salutations, even though my back is still all messed up...whatever. I weigh a lot. it makes me unhappy, and I believe it makes me hurt. like my hips, after a whole day of cooking. and then I have to be easy until I feel better so I can do it again. I've got to get this weight off. the yoga - I run out of breath. I pushed myself to do the two sun salutations today because I felt it was time. two weeks of doing one, and then my back and hips were hurting, but I pushed it, because I really didn't want to do it at all, but I didn't want to push it, but I also did want to push it, so I just did it, and that's the important part. I've been at it for three weeks, now, and I can remember a time in the recent past when I did three, so it's time to step it up. I proved I could drop 30 pounds in a month by simply changing my diet - if I can get my big butt moving, and on a regular basis, I can do so much more.
we did celebrate the teen's birthday - nothing elaborate, just a friend, some favorite snacks, and video games. a moment in time. this is happiness, to me - joy in simple pleasures.
click here for the ABC Wednesday website, click here to visit participating blogs!
in accordance with my own parameters, I like to post here once a week as my own personal 'use it or lose it' boot camp. I only posted twice this past month, and while I'm quick to forgive myself (because it's not like anyone really cares about this blog other than me), I'm still annoyed about it for it's place in the web of other tasks I didn't manage to complete in a timely fashion recently. I have four drafts that I've been working on for varying amounts of time, according to their relative emotional difficulty to get out on the page, and my own laziness/busyness. so in the interest of 'getting something out there', I'm going to whip up a list of:
"Things I Think About While Awake at 3am"
why am I awake at 3am?
should I go to bed, or will I just lie there with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything I could be doing instead?
how long will the logs in the woodstove burn?
what music should I listen to?
what is there to eat?
can I just keep snacking on candy all night/morning?
there are dishes in the sink that need doing.
there is laundry that needs doing.
my bathroom needs to be cleaned.
I need to sign up for the parent-teacher conferences tomorrow.
I need to pay all the overdue bills...somehow.
I shouldn't eat any more candy.
where's the cat?
why didn't I know about that gig that cool band I like played?
I hope everyone got home from Trick-or-Treating safely.
the kitchen floor needs sweeping.
I just ate another piece of candy.
why do I have so much stuff?
why do I censor myself?
will I ever love again?
does it matter, as long as I get to have sex?
this isn't music I'm listening to - it's annoying noise.
when will I finish that 3k-word story?
my desk is a mess - I really need to spend a few hours doing paperwork.
I don't think I'm going to be under 200 lbs. for my 50th birthday.
I could be under 200 lbs. for my 50th birthday if I work really hard at it.
why can't I think of myself as attractive if I'm fat?
there are lots of beautiful fat people.
why are all the people who contact me on dating websites sub-par (for me)?
does that mean I'm sub-par?
how do I up my game?
why do I want to 'up my game'? I don't have any 'game'.
what is going on in that woodstove?
I ate more candy...
look at all the stuff I have to Read!
it's November - time to batten down the hatches.
should I get the cat a kitten?
can I stop the horribly named restaurant from naming itself so horribly?
will people help support me in getting them to cease and desist?
'when you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dying day'!
am I pretty?
can someone please Tell me that I'm pretty?
42
27
18
hut, hut, HIKE!
the car is going to need new tires...
I feel disconnected from my spiritual community.
I often feel disconnected from my community.
gotta pee!
I think that might be enough to knock me out for the next three hours before my alarm goes off, but we'll see...we'll see...
The Unused Portion has been neglected, lately, and for that I apologize. work for money generally takes precedent these days, so in order to get my hustle on the past few weeks, one activity (or two) had to take the fall for me to get back on track a bit with some pressing issues. I've gotta start these posts earlier in the week so I'm not banging the whole thing out of a Monday, trying to get it all in, failing with the rushed effort. give myself time to look at it, reflect, let it breathe - it's supposed to be my day-off Monday Meditation! which is even harder when heading into the season of the year where time seems to roll so swiftly towards some bitter end, bringing melancholy and "that old familiar feeling of impending doom", as a friend lost to time and circumstance once said. while I tend not to feel the doom and gloom, I do feel an incredible need to rush and get things done "before the snow flies". 15 years living in Vermont taught me to Be Ready For The Winter, which was more important there, than here in NY, where I live now - where the plow truck drivers are out salting the roads as soon as the first flake hits the ground.
it's time to trade salad greens and fruits for root veggies and squash. I already made soup, a pot of chili, and lit the woodstove. I brought all my house-plants back in from the porch over a week ago, because I could Smell the snow coming, and even though we still had a few warm days after that, I'm glad I did. over the course of the summer, I may well have propagated almost double the amount of plants I had before the weather warmed up, so now I have to find room for them all in my small, poorly-lit cottage! they're currently being 'staged' in the kitchen, and my Teen Wolf has had about enough of the jungle on the table and counters. they'll find their places for the winter soon enough...I think I may have solved that dilemma in thinking about how the market season is almost over for the year.
I finally made it back to the Market this year! I haven't had a booth at a flea market in...23 years or so! (wait - I'm lying. the kid and I had a booth at a homeschool market or two within the past 5 years). it took me a lot to get there, but I made it, and it was a lot of fun. Teen Wolf came with me and we made a day of it. he even went and got us lunch at the deli across the street - not the sort of thing he tends to take on individually, but I sent him, so he went, and didn't even say anything about how nervous it probably made him. but we chatted a bit about how I was scared to walk up to the flea market guy and ask him where I should set up, but I did it anyway, because I'm the kind of person who can talk to anyone, and...I needed to know where to set up, or I wasn't going to get very far with my plans. the teen said he would have stood in that field all day because he wouldn't have had the courage to approach the guy. interesting, right? well, he'd been to the deli across the street before, and I wasn't about to leave our booth when we got hungry, so...he had to screw up enough courage to go get us some lunch, and he did. I mean, he's 14...he's perfectly capable off crossing the street in the town he grew up in and around to get a couple of sandwiches at the deli, all teenage awkwardness aside, and I like for him to go walk around town, and feel comfortable in the local shops because it's a big world out there, beyond the bounds of our small town, and he's gonna have to navigate it!
we talked about confidence, sales and marketing, money management, customer service, fashion and style, aesthetics, profit and overhead; we got to be outside all day in glorious weather; we got to chat with some nice people, and make some sales that not only put money in our pockets, they felt good. there was that guy who bought 15 vinyl albums of Israeli folk music and army songs for a birthday present for his dad, who is a retired Israeli soldier. the couple who bought the glass music note for their musician daughter; the butterfly lady who adored the butterfly paperweight, and the lady who loved the Murano one. there were some beautiful scarves that went to new homes, and stylish purses; a pair of shoes, some earrings, and a couple of pots and pans. Teen Wolf sold some 'older' toys...only from the past decade, though some of them are apparently rather collectable. we didn't even bring everything we had to sell - there wasn't enough room in the car!
more than anything, being at the market reminded me of my traveling days, when I lived on the road, in my car, with my cat. I made jewelry, and other various forms of art which I sold at flea markets, enabling me to move from town to town, pitching my tent in campsites and national parks, visiting with other traveling friends who were taking a minute off the road in one town or another (as well as those who preferred more permanent dwellings), crashing in dorm rooms and motels, sleeping in the car. god, I was so free... just a few short years before the teen is legally allowed to step away from government-sanctioned education, and then who knows where I'll be? will he need me to stay here? will he be going somewhere else? somewhere he'll need to come 'home' from? can he stay here on his own if he wants? can I leave? there are a lot of questions about to come up in my life, and given the way I've been feeling since we got back from Israel, I'm sensing some major changes in the wind, and on the horizon.
first I've gotta sell off the rest of the flea market stuff I already have - which will probably have to happen next season, at this point - and whatever else I manage to whip up between now and spring. maybe by then I will have figured out how to get my computer fixed so I can add photos and other cool things again. it's such a pain in the ass to not be able to access technology, it's like the cornerstone of the online cottage industry, and I'm just starting to figure out how to use it! do you know The Unused Portion is going to be 10 years old this spring? that's crazy! and I just 'built' a new page - a business page. there's a page on this blog called 'Mysteriam Ink', and you should go check it out, if you haven't all ready, but a friend recently advised me that my business page shouldn't be an after-thought on my blog, so I felt inspired to create one that stands alone. you can find it (still under construction) here:
I didn't write a blog post this week, as in, I didn't have a running theme that I engaged with on the page for several days in a row, that I polished up and edited to post on Monday. I have a big event coming up, and most of my time and energy has been taken up by planning and prepping for that One Thing, and the weather has been hot and humid, which exhausts me, so I've been pretty wrapped up inside myself and my daily to-do's to get everything done on time, or at least demonstrably close. one thing I DID do this week was write a letter to a local person who is the administrator for a facebook group that I was blocked from for standing up for my people, my family, and myself. so, I decided I would post that letter here, and call it a day (night). feel free to contact me if you want your name added to the signature line, or if you find any typos or anything. thanks, and enjoy ~
Following is a letter to Mr. Jim
Dougherty, the administrator for the online Facebook group 'Woodstock
Bulletin Board'.
Mr. Dougherty -
I was distressed to learn that I was
blocked from the Woodstock Bulletin Board facebook group because as
an educated Romani woman, I chose to bring attention to the fact that
a White woman was appropriating my culture, and using an ethnic slur
for my people as the name of her business. I learned of this
'blocking' on August 2 - the 74th anniversary of the liquidation of
the 'Gypsy Camp' at Auschwitz-Birkenau, adding further insult to
injury. There were two businesses in the town of Woodstock who also
used this slur in their names, both closed, now, and while I didn't
patronize either establishment, I did make it clear to others how it
made me feel to see those hurtful words every day, and used them as
examples to explain the ignorance of others to my young son. While
there are many businesses who use the word “Gypsy” as their name,
as we evolve as a society and culture, there are quite a few business
owners who have realized that this is an inappropriate practice, and
have changed their business names out of respect for who we are, and
what we have faced, as a people. We have a right to live with the
same dignity that is afforded to every individual in this country,
this state, this county, and this community, and by blocking me from
a community group, it is made it clear that there are those who don't
think my family is entitled to the same rights as others, that my son
doesn't deserve to be treated with the same respect as other students
in our schools, and that we don't have the right to know when events
are happening in and around the community in which my family makes
its home. This thoughtless act clearly states that I either agree to
being demeaned, degraded, and silenced, or I can’t be in the group,
so I feel I need to speak up for both my family, and my people,
before this misinformation disseminates any further, and is allowed
to spread its hateful poison throughout the beautiful Hudson Valley,
which has long been home to many cultures and religions, as well as
minorities and refugees.
It is infuriating for us when non-Roma
choose to impersonate our culture with their swirly-skirts and
tinkly-bell jewelry to be seen as mysterious and exotic, while we
suffer the slings and arrows of “dirty gyppo, go back where you
came from thief/beggar/liar – Hitler should have finished the job!”
We have been accused of kidnapping little White children while it is
our youths who are systematically removed from their
families/culture/language, as with the recent case of 'Maria', a
blond girl 'found' among darker people, and taken from her foster
family, later found to be of Roma decent. The news story prompted a
rash of officials across several countries to go out and conduct a
witch-hunt against dark-skinned people with light-skinned
children...of which I am one. Given the recent horrific events
endured by immigrant families that have been savagely ripped apart by
Draconian government policies, it seems we are slipping farther and
farther into allowing the kinds of hate-speech and prejudicial
attitudes that brought about the Holocaust, and there are a great
many people who are willing to stand up and demand that it Not be
allow to happen Ever again.
Would the town of Woodstock, the
all-inclusive hippie-love-fest, peace and understanding art colony of
years past not gasp openly if a shopusing an ethnic slur for Jews,
African-Americans, Latinos, Asians, or Native Americans opened
its doors for business? Or would it be tolerated? What if it was
insulting the Whites? The slur to which I am referring is one you
may not even know is a slur. The word is Gypsy (please note the
capital 'G' – a lower case 'g' perpetuates disrespect for the
exonym). The word is highly controversial, and some of us use it
among ourselves with pride, though the preferred term – for those
of us who grew up having epithets hurled at us – is Roma, or the
more specific names of our subgroups (known as vitsas),
some of which include Kale, Manoush, Romanichal, Dom, Lovari,
Kalderash, and Sinti.
In all fairness, I'm sure the owner of
said business is probably a lovely individual, and my intent is not
to cause them any harm or embarrassment, but to give them the chance
to openly acknowledge their mistake, make the proper apologies, and
perhaps even do their small part to make sure their customers are
informed as to the truth about our people, rather than just taking
our name and using it for the benefit of their own finances. Another
business owner in a similar situation some time back agreed to keep
books about Roma and some printed materials with information in the
store, and on their website – would these local folks perhaps agree
to sell products or disseminate information in the same manner?
Would they consider sponsoring an essay contest, donating books about
the Romani people to the library, or sponsoring a forum?They are creative people, and I'm sure they can come up with a
way to use their success to open a dialogue and engage positively
with those who find offense with the slur under which they chose to
do business.
The term 'Gypsy' comes from the
erroneous belief that our ancestors originated from Egypt. Our
language, customs, and DNA kits tell the true story – we originated
in India, before being spread in a Diaspora across Europe and the
Americas as slaves and servants, without rights, who have been
systematically oppressed and slaughtered to this very day. In many
countries we are still barred from schools, ensuring that our
children will not be educated, and therefore perpetuating the cycle
of poverty we have been held in for centuries. On the other hand,
many of us have managed to overcome great odds to become educators,
doctors, lawyers, artists, musicians, and bastions of cultural
literacy. We bristle at the Halloween costumes cultural
appropriators don every year. Our children are confused and shamed
by those who dress up as caricatures of our grandmothers, while we
ourselves fear to don our own cultural dress as it gives us away to a
society that has made it clear they only want us as models for their
own romanticized version of what being Gypsy means, which is usually
so far from the truth, it hurts.
Several Roma recently wrote in to
Hudson Valley One about an article written about a performance of
Macbeth performed at Opus 40 in which the director of the Dzieci
Theater Group misrepresented our culture, and we were treated to
dignified response stating that they were 'misquoted', and would be
changing the way they presented the performance in the future out of
respect for us, and our cultural heritage. That is how to “be a
good neighbor, and work to make things better daily”, a quote taken
directly from Mr. Dougherty's facebook page – not by blocking
community members from community groups. We call upon the business
owners, the town, the community, and activists of all stripe to
choose to do the same, and be on the right side of history with this
issue. Racism, xenophobia, antiziganism, and any kind of racial
intolerance is on its way to oblivion – let us use this as an
opportunity to advance together, and move into a more inclusive
future where the town of Woodstock can reengage with the statement
made on the Woodstock Chamber of Commerce and Arts website, “...where
the individual is always welcome and new and creative beginnings are
always possible.”
Sincerely,
(several people whose names I removed to protect identities)
