just keep swimming...

 

 

for those who have been following along, I'll start out by saying that I did finally finish cleaning the bathroom, the switch plates, both sides of the front door of my apartment, and rearranged my suitcases so my clothes and other various items are now more accessible.  it's definitely time to do more laundry and I'm not looking forward to it, but I bought a drying rack so at least I can forgo the dryer this time, though that was the least expensive part of the process.  so it seems I'm beginning to find my rhythm.  

 

navigating the coin operated laundry was a challenge, but I figured it out eventually.

 

the next steps have been to make sure I'm drinking enough water (not quite), and eating healthy meals at reasonable times (getting there).  because I'm more settled I've been better able to eat something resembling breakfast before I leave in the mornings, and prepare lunches in advance to bring with me to ulpan (Hebrew school), so I'm not starving by the end of class, and have the energy I need to walk home in the afternoons.  taking the bus in the morning gives me more time to get ready as well, because it's a longer walk than it used to be, and I appreciate arriving clean and fresh as opposed to sweaty and scattershot.  walking home in the afternoon is fine for now, though I suspect I will enjoy it less as the season progresses and temperatures rise.  I'll just have to see how it goes. 

for whatever reason - maybe the heat, maybe just because it was time - I laced up my running shoes and started the Couch to 5k program again.  I found the program during our covid lockdown and completed it twice so far, and even started the C210k program, but I fell off of my running game after my mother died, and haven't been able to be consistent about exercise for the four years since then.  I guess walking back and forth to ulpan was what got me started, and since Ive been settling in to my apartment I've felt safe enough to just...get ready, head out the door, and go.  it's funny, there's a saying that goes "start your run before you're fully awake so by the time your brain figures out what you're doing, you're already a mile down the road", and I guess my first day back was kind of like that.  I'm fat, so it's embarrassing to think about being seen flopping down the road at my snail's pace, in an outfit I wouldn't want to be caught dead in, which is just leggings and a tank top.  it's a pretty standard outfit for a lot of people, but because I'm so overweight, I prefer to try and camouflage my big belly as best I can.

 

 

when I crossed paths with another human, I thought, "omg, what must I look like?!"  while also realizing what a blessing it is that I don't have a full length mirror, because if I did, I probably never would have been able to get out the door.  that's been one of my 'city living' lessons - learning that everyone is just out there living their lives without regard for how they come across, and to not be so self-conscious about myself because no one is even paying me any mind.  it's quite different from the small town living I've done for decades where everyone is watching your every move so they can all gossip to each other about you, and people think they know who you are without ever once having said hello.  I even caught myself trying to catch glimpses of myself in store windows as I passed so I could judge my own hideousness, and thankfully I wasn't really able to.

 

 

because I've gone running three times this week I decided to check my blood sugar, which was still higher than it should be, even though it's lower than it's been in a long time.  before I could prematurely credit it to the exercise, I remembered that I started doubling up on my medication (as per the suggestion of my American doctor before I made Aliyah) after the disastrous appointment I had with an Israeli doctor who wanted to put me on several medications including injectable insulin, which I flatly refused.  I got it under control by reigning in my diet and committing to exercise once before, and I'm convinced I can do it again, so...I'm doing it as best I can.

another important component of living in my own place is figuring out how the recycling works here in Israel.  I don't read or understand the language well enough to figure out which things go where, even with taking pictures of the public bins and running them through google translate.  and I HATE throwing out recycling, but I've been doing it simply because I didn't have a place to store it up while I figured it out.  now I do.  I looked up which colored bins are for what items, and have been diligently separating them into their respective categories via colored 'sackeet' (plastic shopping bags).  and since I've been running, I now know where the various bins are located! 

 

this is a rando internet pic - in my neighborhood we have orange, purple, blue, a bin for cardboard, and either green or grey garbage bins.

I think I may have been offered a job, though I haven't been able to get back in touch with the lady I spoke to about it.  she did give me the address of the office where I would need to go to fill out the required paperwork, so I'm planning to just show up there on the next business day (tomorrow) and see how that goes.  and now that I have a good routine with ulpan, cooking and eating, and running, I'm curious to see if I can keep it up while adding a job to the mix.  next on my to-do list is to go back to the doctor and see if we can't straighten out my health care, because I will eventually need more medication (until I don't, which is my diet & exercise goal).  I'm also going to have to start thinking about what I want to use for shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer when the stuff I brought from the US runs out, without resorting to shopping on amazon, because I prefer to support local businesses by shopping in my community over making a billionaire richer.  and the number of people who come to Israel expecting it to be 'little America' and have all their favorite American things instead of doing and being Israeli pisses me All the way off.  

there was an email from the shipping company informing me that my belongings have arrived at the port, that it will take a few days to clear customs, and a few more days to fill a truck with 'partial shipments' to be delivered to their final destinations.  so I'm hoping to be reunited with my beloved items in about two weeks, and I'm doing my best to be patient.  it's going to be jam-packed in here when it does arrive, and I don't know how I'm going to arrange it all...it's definitely going to be a process.  I'm looking forward to having my big soup pot, but how will I make soup in it with the little electric cooker?  and now that I'm cooking meals and running again, I've been logging my meals on MyNetDiary even though I have no real sense of how many grams of anything I'm cooking or eating, so I regret not sending my food scale, but there were valid reasons to leave it behind.  "I'll get one in Israel" is what I said about a lot of things, not thinking about how much money I invested in building a household over the past 30 years, or how much it would cost to build another one.

 

I'm cooking on an old, beat up one of these.

 

it's definitely not all wine and roses - the apartment is drafty which is fine this time of year, but how will that work in the colder season?  there's a stink pipe in the bathroom for some reason, and I don't even know what to say about that.  the neighbors are not mindful of how much of their mess ends up on my side of the meerpeset, or how much their dog barks when they're out (going on three hours, now).  and as happy as I am with being by myself, will I ever make some friends to hang out with?  I feel like I've been here forever, but it's only been three months, and there's still a lot to learn and do before I'm 100% settled, and speaking more Hebrew than English.  I'm certainly looking forward to that day, and maybe once I have a better handle on the language I'll be able to be more social with people, who knows?  I really am happy to stay at home by myself, but it might also be nice to catch a movie and get a meal with someone my own age, too.  here's to hoping!

"Gawtcha"

Feeling a need to visit with Brian Froud and Jessica Macbeth's The Faeries' Oracle, but not having a deep connection to the deck or knowledge of how to work with it, I went with my gut and playfully swirled the whole deck out in front of me in a pile and picked a random card from the center with no more of a question in my mind than a general read, and to meet the fae who chose to greet me.  I drew Gawtcha -  who appealed to me right off because they're blue, with sticks poking out of their spiky hair.  I like their slender fingers and pointy ears, and the way their large, curious eye is peering out from behind an elegant hand.  so I was surprised to read "Sudden shock.  Unexpected events.  Rude Awakenings" in the card description, suggesting any number of possible disasters - car trouble, money trouble, other kinds of trouble - while also acknowledging the possibility of a small windfall (not all luck is bad luck - good things smack us in the back of the head out of the blue, too).

on one level, this card is telling us we need/are due for a cosmic smack, because we still haven't learned to trust our instincts, and that we have to regain our balance more quickly when those destabilizing experiences come along - we also need to be cautious not to lose ourselves in them, good or bad.  the card scared me in the sense that it speaks of upheaval, of shaking up staid structures we build in our consciousness and realities, and even though I complain about a lot of the mundane aspects of my life (just like everyone else),  I've lived such a transient existence that I hardly manage to get any kind of routine going before circumstance comes along to tear it down, so my first reaction was, "nooooo, I've barely recovered from the last 'growth' I went through," and all Gawtcha sees is the ungrateful recipient of their kind and generous gifts (it's hinted that the poor faerie numbs the pain of our human indifference with strong drink, as evidenced by their bloodshot eye).  on the other hand, there are a great many 'staid structures' in our modern world that could do with some 'upheaval'.

while "the sudden, often violent, breakdowns of existing structures, habits, patterns, and/or attitudes" (from the Oracle guidebook) in the summer of 2020 is a long overdue conversation that America has been needing to have with itself for Far too long, the card (or the fae energy associated with it) also speaks to my personal journey of being "confined by our own self-imposed limitations that may include the desire for comfort and security", and how we can grow into our liberation once we manage to break through those barriers.  we are encouraged not to fall back on our old ways, but to build something new with the pieces, and to leave room for future additions.

being who I am (human - it's a function of our minds that we imagine catastrophe so we have a chance to survive it when it strikes), I went to the dark side immediately and thought "oh no, I hope I don't get hurt while running!"  then just as quickly chided myself for even thinking such a thing, and wondered what kind of positive surprise might be lurking around the corner...a second stimulus check?  universal basic income?  but the specter of dark tiding had been there, lurking in the back of my mind, and it was a certain kind of week.  I had setbacks, unexplained (or unnecessary) cancellations, financial inconveniences and pressures, I had two 'bad runs' in a row and a slew of aches and pains...but I also received a surprise gift from a kind friend that brought me much joy.  so what is this card telling me really?

"let your baggage go.  find your balance, and keep moving forward.  you have all the information you need to proceed, and ample experience in this world to know how to 'roll with it'.  you will rise to every challenge, even though the suddenness with which they descend may be alarming.  it's a necessary evil that must be navigated to learn and grow, and increase your ability to hold space for further understanding.  welcome the opportunity with grace, and it might leave you a little less worse for wear."  that's my personal interpretation.  in my life right now, I've been making great strides towards moving into that new consciousness, challenging myself to leave the baggage where it lies, and take up my own best interest as a guidepost to finding my way through the discomfort and insecurity of setting my former self alight (again) to create new work from the ashes.  the same goes for our larger world - each of us is responsible for finding our new place within that discomforting insecurity that helps our friends and neighbors rise up, and to roll with any upheaval as a growing process that needs to break a few things to break through a few things.  if you're low on supply, remember how beautiful a Phoenix can be, give it what it needs to thrive, and it will bring you along for the ride!  good luck, seekers, and be safe out there!

💙  💜  💙

Astrological Writing Prompt

sometime in September, I copied this link and writing prompt from a post by luna luna magazine, shared by a friend on facebook:

Aquarius writing prompt:
"Can you operate deep underground?  Can you burrow into the murky waters of fear and love and want?  What happens when you get naked and sit in the garden of your dark?  When you don’t have a bird’s-eye view, when you comeinrealcloselikethis?  Can you feel the granules?  What do they feel like?"


down

     down

under the ground

where I live

     there is no sound


slithering deep

     through the

          murky and dark

I search for my loves,

     my fears

and my wants.


alone in my garden

naked in shadow

planting my bones

up to the marrow


     feeling each grain,

each bit of soil

     eat at my skin

from this mortal coil


it feels like an ending,

     but we've only begun

to die into rebirth

     and slowly become

gristle and chaw,

     pulp and quagmire

          morass and sludge

ooze muck and perspire


thoughts and ideas

     become seeds

bursting fertile

growing in fullness

     to thrive

          and beguile


it all stinks of life

     and of death, and

of birth

and sometimes I can't

     figure out what it's worth

all the tiresome

     mundane

          terrestrial

slop

while heaven is waiting

     for this ride to

stop.



there.  how's that?  check your horoscope prompt, and see what You come up with!

H is for...

happiness is the obvious choice, but why go for the obvious choice?  I do want to talk about my health, though, so I'll do:   Health & Happiness!  less obvious, and more ambiguous...

literally my 8th post on this blog, all the way back in 2009, was about my weight!  I'm not going to search through 10 years worth of posts, though...wait.  I can just search them by labels, if I labelled them in such a way as to be able to find them...

under the label 'diet':  there are only post from 2018, when I did the Whole30 challenge this past summer.

under the label 'food journal':  the same

and under 'healthy lifestyle':  starting in May, just before I started the Whole30.

I know, I'm not being very body positive, but it's My journey, and I get to talk about it how I like!

I'm sure I've talked about my health & happiness on this blog before, I'm just not searching in a way that's yielding results.  in any case, I weighed in at 245.2 yesterday!  the teen and I discussed what wrestling weight class that would put me in, and if we thought I could beat the guy who wrestles at that weight class in their school.  I've been drinking lemon water in the mornings, taking 10 minutes to be grateful, and doing as many sun salutations as I can - which has literally - pathetically - been one, but I think I'm going to try and push it to two soon.  I'm behind schedule because the full moon and other facts are simultaneously lighting a fire under me/holding me back, and I wanted to get to the page.  I also hadn't checked my blood in ages, so I did that, too, and it was 130 yesterday, and this morning was at 195!  so even though I don't Feel sick, or in any way affected by diabetes, it would behoove me to go back to paying more attention.  this journey on/to/through/about 50 is more than just a birthday, or 'lose 50 before 50' (which I obviously failed miserably), it's about Here I Am.  This Is Where I Find Myself - and not in the *waves hands around* like some animated hippie talking about 'finding himself, man...' way - like my physical location, in a human body, on this timeline.  I've lived by the seat of my pants; the skin of my teeth; flying by night; where the day took me; by my wit, will, and wiles.  time to...do what?  fix it?  I don't know...

I feel really positive right now - it's probably the vitamin D from the sun.  but I have been, once again, taking steps to merge the immensity of my knowledge with the smallness of my mind, and remember to take care of the simple things that can be ever so beneficial to my aging body.  my newest thing is I've been drinking hot lemon water in the morning along with taking the time to be grateful and set my intentions, doing a few (okay, one) sun salutations, taking better care of my teeth, and eating breakfast.

on one recent 'lemon water morning', I was feeling good, so I spontaneously threw in a small shot of apple cider vinegar, and a dropper-full of iodine (supports healthy thyroid function), which I assumed wouldn't taste all that grand, so I added a teaspoon of honey as well.  but Wow, it sure was a kick in the tonic!

so here's the recipe for my newly invented 'morning tonic' gleaned by searching 'best morning tonics', cross-referencing 10 different recipes, and making up one for my own.  they all included lemon and ginger, most had turmeric, some called for honey, less for syrup, some for cayenne or black pepper.  one included apple cider vinegar, one a pinch of cinnamon.  while using coconut water does sound appealing, the addition of parsley does not:

• coconut water (optional)
• juice from 1/2 lemon
• 1 tsp. fresh grated ginger
• 1 tsp. fresh grated turmeric
• spoonful of honey (or maple syrup)
• pinch of cayenne or black pepper
• 1Tbs. apple cider vinegar
• pinch of cinnamon
• dropper of iodine (optional)

put all the ingredients in a mug, and pour almost-boiling water over it to halfway full, then add room temperature filtered water to fill the cup.  it makes a great juice with the addition of a beet, a cucumber, and a pear:  https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-brain-boosting-tonic-this-neurologist-drinks-every-morning

I just got my teeth cleaned, too, which is great because I'm starting to take my periodontal health more seriously, now that it's so irreversibly advanced.  so I spend about 20 minutes 'pulling' coconut oil (which is sloshing it around my mouth) before brushing and flossing regularly.  that's approximately 30 minutes to take care of my teeth each day.  I hope it helps!

I don't know what that Periodontitis tooth is so happy about...

cooking Friday dinner kicked my back out this week, so I skipped everything on Saturday (it was the teen's birthday, and we had plans that weren't going to wait for me to do my full 2 hour routine) but got right back to it the next day.  I did 2 sun salutations, even though my back is still all messed up...whatever.  I weigh a lot.  it makes me unhappy, and I believe it makes me hurt.  like my hips, after a whole day of cooking.  and then I have to be easy until I feel better so I can do it again.  I've got to get this weight off.  the yoga - I run out of breath.  I pushed myself to do the two sun salutations today because I felt it was time.  two weeks of doing one, and then my back and hips were hurting, but I pushed it, because I really didn't want to do it at all, but I didn't want to push it, but I also did want to push it, so I just did it, and that's the important part.  I've been at it for three weeks, now, and I can remember a time in the recent past when I did three, so it's time to step it up.  I proved I could drop 30 pounds in a month by simply changing my diet - if I can get my big butt moving, and on a regular basis, I can do so much more.

we did celebrate the teen's birthday - nothing elaborate, just a friend, some favorite snacks, and video games.  a moment in time.  this is happiness, to me - joy in simple pleasures.

click here for the ABC Wednesday website, click here to visit participating blogs!

Utter Nonsense Unworthy of Being Read

in accordance with my own parameters, I like to post here once a week as my own personal 'use it or lose it' boot camp.  I only posted twice this past month, and while I'm quick to forgive myself (because it's not like anyone really cares about this blog other than me), I'm still annoyed about it for it's place in the web of other tasks I didn't manage to complete in a timely fashion recently.  I have four drafts that I've been working on for varying amounts of time, according to their relative emotional difficulty to get out on the page, and my own laziness/busyness.  so in the interest of 'getting something out there', I'm going to whip up a list of:

"Things I Think About While Awake at 3am"

1. why am I awake at 3am?
2. should I go to bed, or will I just lie there with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything I could be doing instead?
3. how long will the logs in the woodstove burn?
4. what music should I listen to?
5. what is there to eat?
6. can I just keep snacking on candy all night/morning?
7. there are dishes in the sink that need doing.
8. there is laundry that needs doing.
9. my bathroom needs to be cleaned.
10. I need to sign up for the parent-teacher conferences tomorrow.
11. I need to pay all the overdue bills...somehow.
12. I shouldn't eat any more candy.
13. where's the cat?
14. why didn't I know about that gig that cool band I like played?
15. I hope everyone got home from Trick-or-Treating safely.
16. the kitchen floor needs sweeping.
17. I just ate another piece of candy.
18. why do I have so much stuff?
19. why do I censor myself?
20. will I ever love again?
21. does it matter, as long as I get to have sex?
22. this isn't music I'm listening to - it's annoying noise.
23. when will I finish that 3k-word story?
24. my desk is a mess - I really need to spend a few hours doing paperwork.
25. I don't think I'm going to be under 200 lbs. for my 50th birthday.
26. I could be under 200 lbs. for my 50th birthday if I work really hard at it.
27. why can't I think of myself as attractive if I'm fat?
28. there are lots of beautiful fat people.
29. why are all the people who contact me on dating websites sub-par (for me)?
30. does that mean I'm sub-par?
31. how do I up my game?
32. why do I want to 'up my game'?  I don't have any 'game'.
33. what is going on in that woodstove?
34. I ate more candy...
35. look at all the stuff I have to Read!
36. it's November - time to batten down the hatches.
37. should I get the cat a kitten?
38. can I stop the horribly named restaurant from naming itself so horribly?
39. will people help support me in getting them to cease and desist?
40. 'when you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dying day'!
41. am I pretty?
42. can someone please Tell me that I'm pretty?
43. 42
44. 27
45. 18
46. hut, hut, HIKE!
47. the car is going to need new tires...
48. I feel disconnected from my spiritual community.
49. I often feel disconnected from my community.
50. gotta pee!

I think that might be enough to knock me out for the next three hours before my alarm goes off, but we'll see...we'll see...

A Whole 30!

I'm pretty done with writing down everything I eat for a bit - since I'm doing the reintroductions, now, I'll only post about the foods I'm reintroducing.  I did legumes yesterday, so I'll be back to 'regular Whole30 rules' for the next few days while I evaluate my reactions.  the hard part is, I woke up with a scratchy throat and a very slightly upset stomach the morning of my reintroduction, before I even ate anything.  naturally, I find that confusing, but am still doing my best to pay attention to what's happening with my body.  for instance - I feel a little sniffly, and have been coughing and sneezing a bit...is that because I caught a summer cold (why my throat is scratchy)?  or is it a reaction to the beans? to be honest, I don't really think it has anything to do with the beans!

I went to the doctor's office today to check my weight - guess what?  I LOST 30 POUNDS!!!

several days later, and once again out of food.  I mean, there's food, but there's very little meat, barely any veggies, and enough 'off plan' food to fill in the gap, but I'm not eating it.  nope.  no pasta or dairy for me, thanks.  and it's HOT so I don't want to cook anything.  now that my Whole30 is over, I've basically stopped eating...yesterday I didn't have breakfast, had eggs with some leftover slaw for lunch, and two raw carrots with pesto for dipping for dinner.  I haven't eaten yet today, and it's 4pm.  I was 'supposed' to reintroduce non-gluten grains yesterday, but I didn't, which is odd, because I was kind of looking forward to a big bowl of brown rice, but again - it's too hot to cook, so I didn't.  sigh...now I'm thinking this program may have triggered my mild eating disorder issues, and adding that into my lack of funds, I may be in some trouble in the near future in terms of my diet and health.  I'll try to work with it, but it would also be nice to lose a ridiculous amount of weight really quickly the way I used to when I was a dumb kid.  you'd think I might have learned something, but alas...dumb kids apparently grow into dumb adults.

and then I went grocery shopping, and cooked a meal with all the leftovers.  Brussels sprouts, red onion, butternut squash, ground turkey, tomato paste, veggie broth, herbs and spices.  it wasn't great, but it was good enough.  I thought I should go back to writing down what I eat, I feel a bit out of control now that I've taken a week to "ride my own bike" as they say.  ugh, and I'm quoting their stupid catchphrases...  I even chose to take a bite of the teen's pie that he made, even though I haven't finished the reintroductions.  it was only okay, and not worth it, so I was able to just have that one bite, but it did make my sugar cravings go instantly through the roof.  I do have cravings from time to time, but much like when I was pregnant, I can't identify what it is I'm craving, so it's hard to satisfy, and I'm willing to forgo the effort.  I'm obsessed with my belly, now, and spend time massaging the fat while I flex the muscle underneath, wondering 'if I get slender, will I have excess skin?'  so I'm trying to remember to engage my abdominals as much as possible.  I still haven't been able to get myself to exercise, which is probably the key to climbing out of this post-challenge low I fell into...the key word is Balance, I think.

from my facebook two days back:

going through a lot of 'feels' since I'm not using food as an emotional crutch just now. I have to face up to the fact that I'm alone and lonely, and why, and what that means in a larger sense. it kind of sucks to know that I'm an unlovable kind of person, and figure out how to move forward with that awareness without chocolate ice cream, cheese, & pizza. the phone never rings for a reason. no one stops by for a reason. no one invites me out for a reason. on another hand, it's fine that they don't, because I don't really want to hang with most people, anyway. pretending to care is exhausting, but a lack of human contact can be lethal, I hear...where's the balance?

 new day
around 10am - leftover Brussels sprouts/onion/squash/turkey/sauce with some black beans added in.
2 water

now here's something interesting - we went to this show last night at Levon's, it was Paul Green's 'farewell concert to Woodstock', with his show band that he's been on tour with for the past 10 days.  some of those kids have been his students for 5 years or more.  it was really emotional for all of them, and it was a great show.  there was A TON of food there!  at some point (after I ate the banana I brought with me), I decided I was going to eat some of it.  there were salads, but they either had dressings I couldn't identify, or cheese, or croutons...there were lots of cheesy pastas, and cookies, and brownies, too.  one family brought pulled chicken, and I thought, "oh I can have that!  with that other family's rice and beans."  so I did.  earlier in the day, we were supposed to meet a friend in Kingston for lunch, but she got held up, so we just hit the salad bar at the grocery store instead, and I put corn on my salad, and bought a bag of blue chips to spontaneously reintroduce non-gluten grains.  I think, like with the beans, I felt a bit bloated and gassy, and possibly even itchy, so I can take it easy with that. 

after I ate the chicken and the rice & beans, the gloves came off and I had some ziti...and then some Caesar salad.  then a few meatballs, and some more pasta, and a cookie.  then another cookie, and a brownie.  I kept telling myself it was a special occasion, and it was, but that's no excuse to lose all self control.  honestly, on the thread in the Whole30 forums where a bunch of us who all started on June 1st have been chatting, at least two people talked about going nuts at 4th of July barbecues, and it made me feel like, "gosh, I haven't gone off plan once, haven't even had a square of super dark chocolate to celebrate my victory, I'm going to let loose a little," and it turned into an all-out binge.  I brought home a tray of food, even, and had a chunk of that pie the teen made, because I'm off-track and running wild, now. 

new day
around 12 noon - scrambled eggs with red onion & spinach
slice chocolate pie
sunshine sauce with chips & veggies
1 seltzer, 1 water

ugh, I feel like crap.  I feel like I slept all day, and I might just as well have.  what a waste!  I could sleep through another day, too.  I'm tired and bloated, and itchy, and full of cravings...I feel like I gained 10 pounds (sshhh, don't even say that).  there's this mucus way up back in my throat, almost like post-nasal drip...

SUCCESS!

Monday
1:30pm - leftover spaghetti squash & meat sauce
5:15pm - 1 1/2 scrambled eggs
7:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce topped with nutritional yeast
9:45pm - almonds and apple slices
5 water

Tuesday
12 noon - protein salad with ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt & pepper, celery, slivered almonds, onion, scallion, apple on romaine and spinach
6:30pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli
6 water

gotta be honest, I've been up since 6am?  or earlier?  and I haven't eaten yet, and it's 11:49am, and I just tested my blood, and it was at 116.  I think the doctor is either full of it, or the Whole30 works that well.  or maybe my insulin production isn't so bad after all?  let's just see what happens during the re-introductions, and going forward.  I have lots of energy, though, and I feel great!  and when my stomach was upset yesterday, I did the energy-moving-thing I do on my belly when it's grumbly, and I noticed distinctly less belly...I dunno...maybe.

I finished reading the book - through to the end.  and the re-introductions, and here's what I have to say.  I think I'm gonna go Really Slowly on re-introductions.  like, maybe just keep eating Whole30-ish, and approach things as I am presented with them.  I made it through the "I am so over this" stage, and I'm coming out of "The scale (and mirror) are calling...", because they certainly have been.  I'm going to make a long list of the 'non-scale victories' I achieved on the last day or so, and I think it might be worth it for me to have a plan past day 30, too.

Wednesday
8:00am - leftover meat sauce with spinach
7:15pm - leftover turkey protein salad with romaine & spinach
3 water

so remember I said I needed to be more fit for some upcoming plans?  remember that I said I was going to make that my 'July challenge' since I did Whole30 in June?  and I've been noticing that I'm restless in the morning, like I want to move, but I'm not sure how.  maybe sun salutations, because it's where I always begin when I want to start exercising, and where I usually stay until I stop doing it one day, for whatever reason.  maybe something else, then?  maybe just one week of yoga, and a second week of something else..?

79 meals down, 11 to go - or possibly a few more.  I'm PMSy again, so I've been pretty hungry...and I'm just about out of food (how does that keep happening?).  gotta get to the store today, I guess, or maybe not.  I still have a butternut squash, some dates, 3 potatoes, garlic, a whole cauliflower, a tomato, a cucumber, some red bell pepper, 2 lbs. of beef, 2 lbs. of chicken, and 1 lb. of turkey, a tiny bit of broccoli and squash, some celery, romaine, spinach, and most of a bag of radishes...there's a whole cabbage, there's a lemon and a piece with a bit more squeeze in it, a lime, what's left of an onion, and half an apple.  there's pesto sauce, roasted red pepper mayo, salsa, green beans, and some veggie broth, and another whole container of veggie broth in the freezer, not to mention two more bags of veggie scraps to 'soup', and a can of tahina.

let's see if I can translate that into some meals...butternut squash soup, green salad, protein salad, cauliflower mash, tomato/broccoli/squash frittata, sunshine sauce, chicken salad, cabbage slaw, and beef sausage patties.  well, those aren't meals, they're dishes, but they're dishes I can mix and match to create meals with, so, it looks like I have some cooking to do (after I acquire an onion and some more eggs, with the last of the household cash)!

I am so screwed for money right now, but I did manage to get a few things at the store to carry me through the next few days.  I have no idea how or what we're going to eat next month, but...one thing at a time, here.  I made 'sausage' last night, which is just beef with some spices in it, and I'm going to make cauliflower mash (and possibly caramelize some onions) to go with it for breakfast.

Thursday
9:00am - beef sausage with cauliflower mash and caramelized onions
2:45pm - chicken salad (chicken, cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, coconut aminos, lemon juice) with salad of romaine, cucumber, radishes, carrot, celery, spinach, red bell pepper
8:15pm - 'diner breakfast' for dinner (sausage, potato & carrot home fries, scrambled eggs) 
4 water

no yoga this morning, I'm still down over yesterday's loses, though they're really not that bad, all in all.  in terms of work, I lost a crazy client who was more hassle to work with than was financially rewarding, and the check she wrote for the fee we had agreed for her to pay for the work I did was only $1.25 short (I'm just hoping it clears).  but I learned a lot in the few short days I worked with her.  being asked to take a step back from a particular local business I've been extremely supportive of over the years was a bit of a kick in the ass, but it's time I did that anyway.  I've been falling all over myself on their behalf, at times to my own physical detriment, and that needs to stop for awhile.  a little distance is probably a Very good thing, in this instance, and I'll find a productive way to fill that space in my day in a way that is more beneficial to me than to someone else.  I look forward to the opportunity to reserve some of my energy for my own endeavors, rather than constantly giving it away to promote others.

Friday
9:30am - tomato, broccoli, sweet potato frittata
4:00pm - protein salad of ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, with green salad
9:15pm - lunch leftovers; 1/2 an apple, almonds
5 water

omg, can you tell I'm totally done with this?  I mean, I don't want to be, but I do - I want a break from the rigidity of the program, but I'm happy to keep eating this way as much as I can.  the first thing on the list of reintroductions is legumes, so I think I'm going to have some peanut butter and beans on July 1st, and see how that feels.  beans are certainly cheaper than meat, and a less expensive way to get protein, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I react well to eating them again.

it's sort of anti-climactic, this last day of Whole30. mostly because it's not over, because the reintroductions take another 10 days... I feel like there should be a party at the end, a cake and silly hats or something, but the truth is closer to 'nobody gives a shit that you just did this thing'. 'whoopie, you didn't eat or drink any bread or sugar or legumes or dairy or alcohol for a Whole Month, Good for fucking You!' is what I imagine people I know to be saying to me right now. it's a good thing I did it for me, then, huh? I'm going to list my non-scale victories, now, to get over it:  fewer blemishes, improvement in rashes or patches, fresher breath, flatter stomach, clothes fitting better, rings fitting better, less bloating, more defined muscle tone, less joint swelling, feeling more confident in my appearance, less stiff joints, less painful joints, less stomach pain, less diarrhea/constipation, less gas, less heartburn, less chronic pain, less chronic fatigue, less shoulder/knee/back pain, recovering faster from injury or illness, improved body image, improved self-esteem, healthier relationship with food, practicing mindful eating, improved cooking skills, more nutrition in my diet, feeling generally more productive, energy levels are higher and more even, new healthy habit to teach my kid, and learned new recipes. seems meh. maybe I'm just meh. I really want to get on a scale...

how am I going to feel if I didn't lose any weight, even though that's not suppose to be what this is about?  it was about 'improving my numbers'.  I won't know what effect this all had on 'my numbers' unless I have another round of bloodwork done, which isn't up to me, it's up to my health care provider and my insurance company, so I can't even ask until Monday or Tuesday, but I certainly will ask.

Saturday
9:15am - cauliflower mash scrambled eggs
1:00pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup
7:00pm - taco beef, lettuce, salsa, onion
9:15pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup with ground beef and cauliflower mash
2 water, 2 seltzer

I DID IT!!!  YAAY ME!!!  😁

now, for those reintroductions...I am going to reintroduce some legumes, today, and see how that goes.

Sunday

9:30am - leftover ground beef with green salad and homemade pesto, and CHICK PEAS!  (I love chick peas, let's see if they love me back...)
2:30pm - scrambled eggs with leftover ground beef and cauliflower mash; handful of chick peas; 1/2 apple with PEANUT BUTTER!  (I love peanut butter, let's see if it loves me back...)
8:15pm - ground turkey/cauliflower mash/BLACK BEANS mixed into butternut squash soup
5+ water

I feel a-okay, but a bit gassy...maybe a bit bloaty?  not sure, but keeping an eye on it.  food pantry tomorrow, thank goodness, we're out of everything!  the teen has some money put away in the bank from his Bar Mitzvah, but I hate borrowing from him for a number of reasons, two of which are I don't know when I'll be able to pay him back, and it's only a couple of hundred dollars...but I'm not stressing.  nope.  everything's going to work out ok!  thanks for riding along ~

"Hard to Kidnap"

in my last post, I talked mostly about my own journey with weight.  notice I didn't say 'struggle' or 'battle', or 'gain' or 'loss'.  that's because I try and be intentional with language, and I choose to believe the energy of our breath pushing words out of our mouths creates intention, and we need to be mindful of that (just so with typing them, because it's almost - but not quite - the same energy).  for instance, if you say you're 'fighting' a thing (like cancer), that implies conflict, and that there will be a winner, and a loser.  if you say you're 'dancing' with it, or 'moving through it', that implies a partnership that can be beneficial, or a place you can get to where you've finished with it.  you see?  so I mention this because I'm not a person whose weight has see-sawed due to dieting, or because I've made multiple attempts to change the shape of my body, as I really haven't, other than that time I wanted to fit in to my prom dress (see last week's post), and one flirtation with a late night infomercial product because my relationship was falling apart, and I thought weight loss might be the key to keeping 'my man' from leaving me (in retrospect, that's not the kind of man I want anyway, so...yeah).

as someone who used to be slender, and is now fat, I can see the different ways the world treats the two ends of that spectrum, and that's the original reason I wanted to talk (post) about my experience with my own body, and its increasing size.  as a skinny teen, it was easy to get people (read:  boys and men) to give me, and do, any number of things for me because they thought I was pretty, and they probably thought they could get me to bestow sexual favors on them.  I mean, that's generally the reason the guy at the pizza shop will slip a pretty young girl a free slice or a soda, or the guy driving the ice cream or chip truck will toss you a free cone or a bag of something.  how about all the alcohol I drank for free, or the pot and hash I smoked at parties?  all the drive-in movies I got taken to?  it was because those dudes thought they could have their way with me if they got me drunk or high (many of them did), or they thought I'd have sex with them in the back of the Pinto while James Bond fought for his life hanging off the side of a hot-air balloon (that was a regretful evening). sometimes, when you're conventionally attractive - or in my case, 'exotic' enough to pass - the men of the world seem to think you owe them something, and that something is a piece of you.  but a fat chick?  forget it.

at first, I think my tendency towards weight gain was almost a reaction to that - a way to literally insulate myself from the unwanted advances of men, and the contempt of other women.  my mother was not a slender lady when I was a teen, and she would berate me for being so covetously slim ("how dare  you be a size 3, I was never a size 3, I was born a size 9").  my high school best friend and I once bought the same bathing suit, and when we showed up to work looking like twins, we teased each other as to who looked better in it - of course, I joked that I did, because my boobs were bigger than hers, to which she replied "your boobs are all fat!"  ouch.  and she shouted it.  at the pool.  at the summer camp we worked at, in front of all the kids and other counselors.  later that day, one of the male counselors got one of my 6-year-old campers to ask me to catch him as he jumped into the pool, and to pull my strapless bikini top down when I did.  live and learn, ladies...never wear a strapless bikini top when swimming with sharks.  I was tired of being picked up in the school hallways by football players, and used as a human ball for a game of catch.  as a small, pretty girl, no one listened to me, or took me seriously.  I was expected to stand there and look...well, pretty, for other people's consumption.  I wanted to have some weight in the world.  I wanted to be substantial.

after I did start putting on some weight, my dad and I were out shopping for shoes in the mall (he loved shoes, boots especially), and I tried on a pair of boots that fit my feet, but were too slim for my calves. they bunched down at my ankles, ruining the look, so we didn't buy them.  he berated me for putting on weight, because he said if I wasn't careful, my body would "get all out of proportion".  never mind the boot-maker assuming someone with my size feet should have legs that skinny, but I haven't been able to wear high boots since then.  I simply don't bother to try them on, because I know they won't be made to fit "my proportions", and won't go over my fat calves (it's cool, I'm happy with my low-rider Frye Harness boots, which are probably the last pair of boots I'll ever buy, because they'll last me for the rest of my life).  my mom had similarly unkind things to say - if she didn't hate me enough for being skinny, she sure as hell hated me for getting fat.  one could say that my parents were just concerned for my health, and wanted me to maintain what is considered to be a healthy weight for a person my height, as they were both in shape, once - my dad having grown up on a farm - but through a rich American diet, lack of exercise, and smoking habits, they both filled out quite a bit.  as a parent myself, I caution my son against making the same mistakes I do with diet and exercise, but if I'm not walking my talk (literally), what good will it do him?

a friend that I met in my late 20's once gave me an earful about how society equated 'fat' with 'ugly', and while I don't remember what either I, or the other woman sitting with us, said to her that made her feel like she had to reeducate us concerning that particular idiom, but I took it to heart because she was (and is) right.  from boyfriends telling me I was putting on weight, to being told by guys that they didn't date fat girls, to not having been asked on a date - or having had sex - in more than a decade, where would I come up with the impression that I was unattractive?  from being the girl who could smile coyly and ask for a free whatever and get it, to becoming the woman men don't make eye contact with because I might misconstrue it as interest, and even to the guys who DO want to make eye contact (and more) because they have a fetish to which I fit the description...why would I start to feel like the size of my body may be the reason I will spend the rest of my life alone?  I wish I knew that the last time I had sex was going to be the last time, because I would have enjoyed it more, paid more attention, or picked a better partner - not that I have a lot options, but that guy and I actually had feelings for each other once, back before I was so fat.  in retrospect, it feels like the mercy fuck it probably was. 

my weight gain, like many others, has to do with the natural aging process - moving less, stress, lack of sleep, giving birth, slowing metabolism, lost muscle mass, hormonal changes, and the aches and pains that put limitations on the amounts and kinds of physical activity I can comfortably engage with.  there are also the poor eating habits that result from poverty - the cheap pasta that keeps me going at a dollar a box when cauliflower is six dollars a head.  I have chronic back issues, and the 'helpful people' who like to tell me that losing weight will alleviate that issue didn't see me carrying 50 lbs. bags of carrots/turnips/onions working on that one farm, or bent over harvesting veggies on that other farm, or standing for literally tens of thousands of hours on the concrete floors of every retail establishment I've ever worked in, the trucks I unloaded, the equipment I hauled back and forth to every gig, the boxes I packed and lifted for every move of not just mine but my friends and family, the cords of wood I've chopped and stacked, etc., etc., etc..  they didn't see the metal-framed window that fell on my foot and crushed the joint of my big toe on my right foot that made walking long distances (and wearing high-heeled shoes) a thing of the past.  all they see is a fat chick, which obviously indicates weak abdominal muscles, a lack of core strength, and a lack of self-control with food.  what they don't see is the strong woman who shouldered more burdens than she was physically able to bear, until she finally broke herself.  do these 'helpful people' tell skinny folks with back issues to lose weight, I wonder?

so, in my almost 50 years, I've gone from a deliciously chubby baby, to a pudgy-shamed kid, to a skinny-shamed and sexually predated teen, to a fat-shamed adult, ending up as the lonely and unloved hermit-whale of a middle-aged woman I am today.  we live in a time when there are YouTube channels dedicated to telling us what disgusting excuses for people we are (women and men) for being fat.  there are countless articles on countless sites happy to help steer us in the right direction should we choose to lose.  we have our primary care providers suggesting that every single issue we have is related to our 'morbid obesity', we have liposuction, body-sculpting, 1001 fad diets, boot camps, fat camps, weight-loss surgery, an ever-growing list of fat-centric television shows, and the list goes on.  you know what we don't have?  people of all shapes and sizes loving themselves.  I love myself...I'm not sure why, given all the negative feedback I get from society, including having to pick out the chairs in the library that I fit into...but maybe it's because I know I'm smart, and funny, and have great hair, even though I'm not considered to be attractive anymore.  but not everyone is able to get there by themselves, and we need to be more supportive of each other, no matter what we look like.  this stands true in Every area of our lives - not just our weight

sure, I over-eat.  I eat when I'm sad, which happens every now and again.  I eat when I'm lonely, which happens a lot.  I tend not to eat all day long, and then eat everything in the house for dinner.  when I'm mourning a death, I tend to go for butter, for some reason...not on it's own, but I'll eat overly-buttered toast & pasta.  I have an unhealthy attachment to ice cream, so I tend not to buy it - when I did the detox last summer, and I examined my earliest memories around food, one of the oldest memories I have is going to Carvel with my grandfather.  it brings to mind the time in my life when everything was perfect and about me, and has to do with feeling secure, loved, protected, cherished and being the center of my kind and generous grandfather's attention, so of course I turn to ice cream when I need to feel loved.  there is no one else in my life giving me those feelings anymore, and knowing that there never will be again leaves me with very few other ways to access that kind of wholeness and calm.  none of these habits are healthy, but all of them can be changed with due diligence.  it's just more work that I hardly have the energy for, let alone the money to afford the healthier fare.  the truth is, I don't even try most of the time.  I mean, what's the point?

lol - I'm comparing myself to Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies!

shouldn't I just be fabulous and live a full life anyway?  shouldn't I just buy myself some pretty plus-size outfits and rock that shit, rather than go around in stretchy leggings and cheap sweats?  there are some seriously gorgeous fat chicks out there, I'm just not the kind of woman to put that much effort into looking good!  the styled hair, the make-up, the fancy clothes, the accessories...it's more work than I care to do.  but for low-maintenance ladies like me, the laid-back look tends to leave me looking frumpy.  so what's the answer?  lose weight?  buy better clothes?  not care?  put in the effort?  I've got a doctor's appointment today, so let's just see what they say to me before I end this rather long post ~

the doctor said hypothyroid and diabetes.  she also said Pap and Mammogram.  she also said losing weight and adding exercise wouldn't help anything (but keeping the weight off might), and I should take some prescription pills.  I said no, if I can quit smoking, I can lose weight and exercise, too.  I mean, I lost 15 pounds last summer without really trying - I modified my diet in order to try and detect a food sensitivity, the weight loss was just a bonus side-effect of the detox - and I've kept it off so far without any change in lifestyle.  in this case, though, I think it's worth it to make a real commitment to that lifestyle change, because I may want to be around to see my kid make good on all the hard work he's been doing in school, and get himself all set up as a functioning adult in the world before I kick off.  maybe I'll make sure to document the journey, in case anyone is interested.

Let's Talk About Fat, Baby

ok, so it's Monday again, and I'm going to get back on track, here.  I said last week that I was going to talk about fat-shaming, and my personal journey with weight, so here we go ~

Tuesday...

Wednesday...wow, on a roll!

aww, chubby baby cheeks!

I guess I was a bit of a chubby baby, because I remember my mom talking about my 'pulkes' (Yiddish for chubby thighs), and there is a picture somewhere among the family archives that sends her into shrieking giggles and exclamations of "You were Delicious!!!" whenever she sees it.  it is a cute picture, because chub on a baby is adorable, and squishably sweet, but thankfully I developed into an average-sized child, if a bit on the short side...ok, not a bit, I'm short, plain and simple.  as a kid, I only remember there being one incident in elementary school where a couple of us less-athletic kids were running around the field during recess in an attempt to improve our chances at getting better times in some upcoming gym test, or race or something, and one girl, huffing and puffing with the exertion complained that we couldn't improve much due to us all being short and fat.  several of the girls immediately repeated the phrase 'short and fat?!' in incredulous tones, as none of us wanted to be labeled as such, including myself, as most of us weren't.  just then, my 'friend' Laura stepped to me, poked me in the stomach and said, "Stop sucking it in, you are so short and fat!"  even though I don't believe it to have been true at the time (seriously, 'pudgy' is about as far as I'm willing to go as far as the elementary school years were concerned, because I was a perfectly average-sized child), it still hurt, and obviously I still remember the slight to this day.

12 - does this piano make me look fat to you?

15 - friend edited to protect her innocence (lol, sorry dear!)

by the time I was in high school, at 15 years old, I had developed a mild eating disorder, which is sadly not out of the ordinary for teen-aged girls.  at some point during that year, a girl who was considered athletic approached me in class for who-knows-what reason, and asked me what size clothing I wore.  I responded that I wore anything from a size 0 to a size 3 - I'm 5'2", people, I might have been skinny, but I wasn't emaciated, either.  she glared at me and said, "You probably think you're fat, don't you?"  surprised by how she knew this, given the fact that I didn't quite know it myself until she mentioned it, I kind of smiled and chuckled nervously while replying, "Yeah, I do!"  she glared harder, stating, "I hate girls like you!" and stomped off back to her own desk leaving me standing in the middle of the room bewildered at what had just happened, and wondering why she had approached me in the first place.  to be honest, she might have done me a favor, because it may have given me my first clue to the facts that I not only wasn't fat, but that if other people noticed how skinny I was, then maybe I was too skinny.  not that I was doing anything too far out of the ordinary to achieve that size or weight - I just wasn't eating as much as I probably 'should have' been.

17 - not too fat, and not too thin, but feeling big as a whale, and seeing one in the mirror.

by the time I was a senior in high school, at 18, my mom took me shopping for a prom dress, and while the size 7 was a bit snug, the size 9 was too big, and I needed to make a decision about which one to buy.  Mom thought I should get the 9, because it was an expensive dress, and she cautioned that if she paid for the 7, and I didn't slim down, it would be a waste of money, and I'd have nothing to wear to prom.  I shook my head no, and insisted on the 7, assuring her that I would slim down, and also because I thought a size 9 was 'too big for me to be' - an indication that I was way too fat, and needed to get my weight in check.  we bought the 7, and I began to diet and exercise in earnest.  by 'diet', I mean I deprived myself of food, choosing to eat one tiny box of raisins during the day, and probably a small amount of whatever was for dinner each night.  by 'exercise', I mean putting on three sweatsuits, going into the bathroom and putting the shower on full blast as hot as it would go to steam up the room, and doing about 100 sit-ups, jumping jacks, and jogging in place until I was exhausted.  my sole focus was fitting into that the dress, and looking great at prom, which I did.

18 - at the prom in my size 7 dress.  lol, what a couple of dorks!

19 - at college, 15 pounds lighter than I was at prom (not that you could tell, under that coat)

in college, I was so nervous about gaining the 'freshman 15' everyone talked about that I actually lost 15 pounds, but I honestly think that's where my concern for my weight stopped.  I could say that I don't know why or how it happened, but I can also say that I started taking LSD, and that my concern for a lot of frivolous things stopped, so that may have had something to do with it, who knows.  I don't remember feeling concerned about my weight until several years later when a boyfriend said something like, "Even my mom has noticed that you've put on weight," like it was some sort of indication that I was no longer 'girlfriend material', which was fine, I guess, because that dude was a douchebag to me, anyway, though his mom was always nice.  there were plenty of other guys who seemed to think I looked just fine, so I dated them instead, and went right on not caring about my weight.  there was a time in my mid to late 20's that I was training regularly in the martial arts, and the guy I was dating was into macrobiotic cooking, so I was in the best shape I had been in for years.  But he graduated and moved away, and I had gotten so used to him doing all the cooking that I didn't eat very much for several weeks after he left, and I lost a bunch of weight again.  it was a few years after that when I playfully said to my next boyfriend (a Big fan of fast food and donuts) that he must not like how round my belly seemed to be getting, and he replied that it wasn't my belly so much as the fat under my chin he didn't like.  well, that stung a bit, but it was true that I had been gaining poundage and going up in sizes at an alarming rate, at that point, but it wasn't until we broke up that I experienced my next significant weight loss due to depression, and not having a partner who was into eating crap food all the time.  and who wants to cook for themselves, anyway?  I sure don't.

25 - feeling like a cow in leather.

26 - holding my jacket out so the camera won't show my fat stomach

30 - my chin gets too fat for my boyfriend

at 34, I got pregnant, and everything changed.  I ended up unemployed and homeless, so I was pretty food insecure, not really knowing when or how I would eat each day.  I took what meals I could get, when I could get them.  I drank a lot of smoothies, and ate at one particular friend's house pretty often, as I could get the welfare office to give her food vouchers for feeding me regularly.  I somehow managed to stay healthy enough to grow and deliver a similarly healthy baby, though he came a few weeks early, was rather small, and slightly jaundiced (I was still a smoker back then, and while I did manage to cut down significantly, I didn't succeed in quitting entirely until several years later).  when my water broke, and my midwife admitted me to the birthing center, they weighed me in at a whopping 198 pounds, and all I could think was, "Get this baby out of me before I hit 200!"  it made me think of that time back in high school when I was weighing myself constantly, and my brother said to me, "One of these days, you're gonna to break 100 pounds, and when you do, you're gonna freak out." I laughed at him and said I'd never weigh 100 pounds, and here I was at nearly 200!  I lost about 20 of those pounds in the delivery room, and through the magic of breastfeeding, quickly lost the rest of the pregnancy weight and more before my son turned 2.

34 - just 4 months into my pregnancy journey

35 - one week post birth (no, that's not the child's father, that's the Rabbi)

37/38 - getting my goddess on

but eventually, the breastfeeding ended, and I kept eating like I needed all those extra calories, and my weight went up and up and up.  I blogged about it back when I was just a baby blogger in 2009, when I was 15 pounds less than I am now.  the biggest I got was up to 255 last summer, but in trying to deal with a different medical concern, I ended up doing a 'detox' which had the lovely side effect of trimming me down 15 pounds in 3 weeks time, which I talked about (below the video) here.  so I'm still a great big fat ass, and I'm still unhappy about it, even though I (still) have all the tools I need to be able to deal with it properly.  my question to myself is - when?  what's it going to take for me to finally realize that we only get one go round on this planet, we only get one body to do it with, and I've pretty much reached my halfway point if I haven't missed it already (less than a year until I turn 50).  there's more to say on this subject, but I think that's enough for this week, so I'll do a part 2 next week.  I hope you choose to follow along!

40/41 - feeling pretty, until I saw the picture!

43/44 - the kid took this one.  I think the blurriness makes me look slender!

49 - last month, looking like a beached whale...how much bigger can I possibly get?!  ugh, I probably shouldn't even put that energy out there.