Friday, March 25, 2011


Saturday was a great day, really fun.  The boy and I went to the park, rode his bike over to check out the skate park, played at Small World which is apparently only one of the complexes playgrounds, rode around some more, came home for a nice warm late lunch, and decided to drive the 4 hours to Vermont to see his dad's new band play at P-Pie in Montpelier.  Sure, why not?  I'm always up for a night out dancing to great live music, and the kid could take a nap on the drive and stay up late with the party people, so off we went, me with extra layers, the small one with his ninja gear and stuffies.  Yay!  The drive was as fine as could be - the only thing missing was my BF, my good time friend, in the passenger seat, smiling out into the distant night, singing along with me and the radio, feeling fine.

As the boy was lulled by the asphalt rhythms, and I was left to myself, I thought how awful a parent I must be for driving to Vermont to take my son to see loud rock band in a bar late at night.  What was I doing?  I was taking my kid to a gig at a bar in a city 4 hours away late at night because his dad was playing guitar for a rock band and our friends were meeting us there and would probably be drunk and we would sleep on a couch or something and head home in the morning.  Yup.  I'm insane.  And I mourned my son, and pondered mythology, feeling across the ages to hold Mary's hand as she watched them crucify Jesus, thinking about the mythology I had begun, and wondered where I would let it take me, where it would lead.  How I would be led.  I saw then a partner, a shining light, felt his love beaming out at me from that empty shotgun seat, and I understood again how everything was just going to be okay, and I smiled my joy singing out into the fly by night...calling to Dionysus' panther that I wouldn't mind a lift.

And as I was Ariadne, riding that panther, making the miles disappear under the wheels of my modern godly chariot, I watched a giant yellow moon rise enormous over the horizon; held spellbound by the sight of Her, brought to my metaphorical knees by the Beauty, I swayed in my seat in my true happiness, savoring the delight of the Moment, blessed as it was, and sweet.  Joyousness must have woke my angel, because as he stirred, and looked to catch my eye in the rear view, That Moon broke free of the trees and floated up into the sky like a luminous Eye, and looked down upon Everything, and I held out my hand to her, reached to bask in her smooth amber glow, and I saw the eyes of my son read Her light along it's reflection in the silver circles on his mother's arm, and we were holy again.

I got a bit worried that they might not play long, and that we might miss them, that we drove all this way for nothing, and made my attempts at teleportation, but got frustrated, missed a turn somewhere and ended up a half an hour down the road from where I wanted to be, and when.  Tragic.  I pounded that last 30 minutes hard, had all the gears firing, was vibrating with it as we pulled up in a dusty ball of kinetics coming to rest all at once in a hurry.  Bam.  Here we are.  We rushed breathless to the door, to the big window where we could see in that my friends were not on the stage, to scan the crowd and catch the eye of our longtime friends, who smiled and came out to give happy hellos on the sidewalk, and bring us news of our luck - we hadn't missed a thing, right on time in fact, even a bit early.  Look at all the people we know in here, and while he's the youngest, mine is not the only kid in the place, there are several, whom we all know, and all belong to the band.  One of two who belong to my friend is even old enough to drink at the bar with us now, its own kind of joyous heartbreak, that bittersweet aching that is enlightened life.

They played super, like the moon.  Bad Dog.  Round and full and growled and fur, naked and smoky and Joe.  Down with it, dirty, like inside your mind.  Shake it out, dance with it, I turned it all the way up and got it on.  The boy held on and got up in the madness, my brave little soldier, seeing what he can see.  I let it muck me about and turned with it, grasping on and shooting it out around me, joining them in, working it through, being part of it.  It was somehow sublime.  The music the guitar and the drum make have always caught me, and I really dug the singer, need to hear more of the bass to know it, but wow.  Groove-diggity, fantastic.  Full on under the supermoon...yeah!  Wanting more.

Oh, so tired after many long hours, back to the house for the sleep on the mat on the floor, all still abuzzing at 4:30 in the good times, attempting to bring it down and be with it, ground and rest.  The morning will hold its own challenges, and sleep sleep  sleep...

and as for you

Right.  My face.  It just got so bad.  I took pictures, but they're too horrible, and I decided I can't post them, so you'll have to believe me.  With my face all blown up like a baked potato, and stinging so bad there was no relief from the burn, I decided to head to the ER and just see what a professional person of the medical arts might say.  They said a bunch of stuff, shot me up with an IV of lord-knows-what and saline, and sent me on my way with a couple of prescriptions.  Boy am I glad I embarked upon this quest for health and wellness!

Thankfully, the prednisone took the swelling down pretty well, but my skin still appeared red and hella-chapped.  Yes - so bad I said hella.  I decided to head to VT on a whim last Saturday
night, too, and thinking it would be an in & out job, brought naught more than the clothes on my back...but I got stuck.  The blanket I slept under irritated my skin badly, and I woke up with fresh bruises from scratching.  Then I got a flat tire, and in my attempt to change it, I dropped the car off the jack.  When I finally managed to get it back up off the pavement and put the donut on, I spent the rest of the morning driving around looking for an open tire place to no avail, so I took the boy to P-Pie and resolved to stay an extra day.  Alas.  It would have been perfectly alright to spend another day visiting in VT, eat another Coffee Corner breakfast, say hey to folks we met along the way, but I didn't bring the little blue bills that apparantly kept my 'sunburn' in check (our waitress did in fact ask if I had a sunburn), and the burning Itch was becoming increasingly uncomfortable.  After another mostly sleepless night, we struck out first thing Monday morning, got a new tire, and headed South - into the flurries, which were just flurries as we headed out of Montpelier.  By the time we were done winding our way along 107 towards Killington, the pavement was white, and I was crawling along at a white-knuckle 20 mph, praying the semi that was stopped at the crest of the hill would move before I had to hit my brakes and lose any momentum I could have counted on to get myself over that hump - with another semi coming in fast in my rear view.  I didn't make it.  The semi behind me kissed my back bumper and came to a stop, while I fishtailed my way up the last few hundred yards of snowy slalom to pull in at the gas station and break down in tears, while gulping in huge breaths of air, my first since the long moments when I saw that truck coming up behind me.

We got some snacks, took a potty break, and sat in the car until the snow appeared to taper off a bit, and I'd seen a few plow trucks go by before I attempted to slide down the other side of the mountain to our certain doom.  I started off slow, mindful of my traction and the cars I passed on the shoulder with their hazards on.  I managed not to have a heart attack or hurtle us into oblivion over the edge of a cliff, and I found that as I pulled into Rutland and turned onto 7, that we were going to live, and even get back to Woodstock this very afternoon, that I could count on a shower in T minus 2 1/2 hours.  Once we hit the Thruway, it was smooth sailing, and I was under the boiling hot water by 5pm, dosed on a blue pill, and breathing my relief into the steam.  Now, 4 days of liberal slathering of moisterizer later, I feel that I've really had just about enough of this facial catastrophy I've been dealing with, fully acknowledging that I did it to myself, but who knew and all that, and it's moot at this point.  It's looking much improved right now, even though it was threatening to come back in force, which makes me think I'm on the 'better' side of the whole experience, yay team (blue pills and moisterizer).

holy cow...

Wow, I had a whole post typed in recapping the last few things I've been meaning to recap, when I stepped away from the computer to live my life for a minute, and the power went would have thought it would still be here, as it was saved and all.  Guess not.

So.  Dreams.  And dream interpretation.  For the dream I called 'the first one' in this post:  in a space where I feel comfortably trapped, I have the freedom to explore the symbolic boundary between personal self and public self while merging various aspects of my personality, and letting things happen at their own pace - anticipatory, perhaps uneasy.  I'm looking to recapture the excitement, freedom and vitality of youth in my current need for intimacy and affection, but I'm keeping a secret, not dealing with an issue, getting ready to finally acknowledge qualities within myself.  I feel emotionally cold and frigid, excluded, left out, scarred by the lack of love and absence of warmth in my own family circle, so I need to work on mindfully exploring aspects of my self that have yet to be acknowledged or utilized.

The second one, from the same post:  an aspect of my personality that I have rejected, but am ready to incorporate and acknowledge, and the relationships I have with those around me are important in learning about myself.  a positive regression into a past where I had no responsibilities, things were simpler, carefree. escaping the pressures and stresses of adulthood, acting in a childish manner - because 'acting like an adult' is a part of myself that is repressed and hidden. so the archetypal dream helper offers me insight and advice in searching for some direction in my life which is lacking motivation.  a transformative self exploration is the beginning of the path that I am taking, going through a transitional phase and journeying into the unknown to experience spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth, physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages.  social and cultural changes, expanding knowledge and awareness - now is a good time to experiment and try new things. In considering personal experiences and memories, they may be a reflection of my current surroundings. achieving my goals through perseverance and hard work.  a period of stress struggle determination ambition.  instability  - lost my grip on a situation, a relationship.  lost control of perception, vitality, my outlook on life, my consciousness and point of view. intuition and awareness in reflecting on a decision.  going back out into the larger world and experiencing life again. a new surge of energy, growth, ambition and renewed confidence.  rebuilding by working on bettering my mind and body.  approaching my goals with careful forethought and preparation, yet lowering my standards, doing less than my best.  willpower, hidden aspects of my activities, feeling hollow and empty. an awakening to get out and expose myself to new interests and activities.  feeling stuck - dug into a hole and can't get out to enjoy something familiar.  spending more time cultivating and developing some emerging ability I thought was left in the past that is coming back to me, bringing me back to a particular time period, as a situation in my waking life may be parallel to a situation from my past and my dream is providing a means of resolving how I've lost my direction and lost sight of my goals. I feel worried and insecure about the path I am taking and I am trying to reach out for support - looking for someone to lean on while still adjusting to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing. coming into contact with some aspect of my psyche or unconscious and recognizing a part of myself that was previously repressed or undeveloped.  change - identifying new facets of a relationship, taking it to a new level / in a new direction.  feeling helpless, dependant on others.  take charge of the situation.

Well, there's just about nothing there that doesn't  pertain to the situations going on in and around my life these days, so I actually found that exercise to be very centering, and even in a way reassuring.  It actually took some research and a bit of thought, which is why it took so much time to get to, but I'm glad I did.

Monday, March 7, 2011

dramatic and sensational title indicating mind-blowing content

my BURNS!!!  GAaahhh....WHY must I DO these things to myself?  Whatever.  I will survive this trauma, too.  Here's the scoop:

I went to the local apothecary to find some lovely salve for my patch of hideous and painful psoriasis that has lived on my ankle for untold centuries.  They said, "Why slather something ON it, when you can correct what's causing it?"  I said, "OKAY!"  So my new friend Josh, let's call him Josh to protect his innocence, immediately put me on boatloads of vitamin D, fish oil and probiotics.  Yaay.  I felt like I had been proactive about my health, yet realized later in the evening (probably about 20 minutes after I took the first D, when the Itch began, 7 days ago) that I was still out of salve.  Damn.  A day or so later, I headed to the Co-op where my friend who gave me the salve told me she bought it.  While finding the salve, a lovely Co-op staff member talked to me about doing a mercury cleanse, and I jumped right on board (she also sold me some stinging nettle, for the Itch).  The Itch started on my left wrist, has done a tour of my entire body, and seems to have come to rest in a burning patch of red welts on my face and neck.  My eyelids and ears are swollen.  I have been treating it with boiling hot showers, and periodic cold washes throughout the days.  It continues to burn.  Fucking Ow.  I haven't tried the stinging nettles (for the itch) yet, because the nice lady said it tastes bad, and I should mix it with juice.  I happen to be out of juice at the moment.  Lame, I know.  I shall endure the burning swell - and/or get some juice tomorrow...

On a lighter note, the scary patch of oozing red psoriasis on my ankle looks better than it has in awhile, or at least it does today.  I'm hoping the vitamins are working their way into my system as the heavy metals are working their way out, and that my face will clear up like my ankle in a day or two (hopefully not seven).  Fingers crossed.  In the meantime, it's time to go steam myself again, try for some relief by sweating the toxins out by force.  I've been pounding gallons of water, throwing down fiber and roughage, meditating on meanings.  Wondering at the totality of my need to release - to flush myself so completely that I can feel remade, 42 years new.  Wondering at how I could have gotten so far knowing so little, and how much I need to learn to be able to continue on.

My foot is too swollen to fit comfortably in a shoe, my face is on fire, and new eruptions are breaking the surface of my skin as I begin to scratch, but somehow, it's all part of what's supposed to be happening right when it's supposed to happen.  So, I'll be backing up to the nice dreams I was having a few weeks ago (a few weeks already?) and talking about the interesting things I thought about while searching for meanings in my subconscious.  Stay tuned for updates on the condition of my sandpaper face/skin ~ ♥

a few days ago

it's about how I itch how badly i itch how I take boiling hot showers to soothe the skin that erupts and slather it with salve and cut my nails all the way down so I don't tear my flesh off  how there are red streaks covering me from head to toe, starting to creep up my chin now, like it did that other time, and I had it on my feet then, too, so painful.  and on my face, and I was writing down what I was eating, and then it all just equalized and things had started to get better, were moving forward, but then I moved here, and fell flat again.  not completely flat, I was at Soons for 2 years, that was a good stint, and here, I'll be successful, I feel it in my bones, though it's gonna be like giving birth again, but it's a different kind of pain.  all that digging into the Old Words the ones from long ago, it fucked me all up, made me go back to places and process things and to see that every now and again I was really out of my head, and live it again, and get all twisted sideways with the things it brought out of my past, and the things I had to live with and get past.  and there was so much pain.  so much actual physical pain that it crippled me, and I felt it bind me up, wrap itself around and through the very fibers of muscle into the tissue, and poison me from the inside.  and my issues tend to erupt on my skin my lovely skin smooth and clear, though I haven't taken proper care, and I should love my skin for the ways it loves me - my thick skin.  like elephant hide and quick to heal soft and smooth firm longs for the sting of a slap or some candle wax- the boiling showers - don't even get me started on my hair and eyes...and I scratch and i scratch and i feel sometimes like a cutter because i'm damaging myself but it goes right along with the screaming in my ears, and the stress levels I didn't get really sick this winter (acknowledging the fact that I'm superstitious) which feels really good, and taking a more active stance towards my health, by getting on D, fish oil and probiotics.  then i went with the herbal cleanse, and by god if I'm not crawling with toxins my body is mass-flushing through my pores and it itches like mother fuck but I know it's going to suck for a limited period of time and my ear is swollen where my cell phone lives, which is interesting, and as i type this the hives are working up my right cheek and onto my rather than scratch and further tear away at it i'll go take a boiling hot shower and abuse myself that way, and probably itch in the shower for good measure and i wish i had  a bruise to be proud of from a good spanking rather than bruises from scratching  I just need to sweat this shit out with lots of water -boiling shower - half my body weight in ounces each day, and sweat, and all will be well.  raise that D and get my poor sore ankle off the critical list right now I'm so strung out i can't even wear shoes it's hurts so bad and I don't want to put on clothes because my skin is crawling  i got stinging nettles because it's a histamine or some such, I'm no herbalist, a not-itch-thing but I haven't taken it yet because i need to go slowly with all of this, like all that shit i dredged up out of the past was to find out how deep i was hurt so i knew how far i had to go and it turned out to be all the way.  its a dangerous road but i think im making it and I need to keep in mind that it may get even still worse a bit before it gets better because the cleanse is 30 days, & the D gets looked at again in 12 weeks.  bad D.  way down D,  like 9, on a scale of what , I think in the hundreds?  skin eruptions stress lifestyle change dumping all the shit that's been dumped on me, and not taking on any more  end of story  time to run screaming for the hills but i should be good after that on my way a one month mark and a three month mark tsa random street sweep searches gas prices middle east blowing up we sit on our asses and are intimidated out of traveling of leaving our homes ready for the jack boot regime inviting them in to crush our children's spines ohm madness sitting on a lotus feeling groovy being at peace with the all one growing organic veggies saved from heirloom varieties clean food and water and air and earth clean living clean soul clear mind clear heart invite it in sweat it out drink water boiling shower ohm to the temple respect i apologize, you deserve better I deserve better the Ariadne and Dionysus write that story the porn get up get on up like a sex machine don't even get me started on sex i'm so desperate, drink water boiling shower...