healing from homelessness (12/12/22 - 4/6/25)

this is a post I started back in mid-February of 2024 when I wanted to talk about my transience and how my various periods of homelessness had affected me more and more over the years.  at that point, I had been housed for around two months and was still recovering from sleeping in the front seat of my car for four or five months.  I was sleeping a lot - like, going to bed at 7pm, waking up at 1am, puttering around for an hour or three, and going back to bed until I needed to wake up to get ready for work.  it meant working out the kinks in my body from sleeping rough (though not as rough as folks on the street), losing 10 pounds from being able to prepare the foods I wanted, when I wanted, and seeing my A1c drop several points.  I was beginning to feel like being socially active, and wanted to take part in community activities where I could meet other folks with similar interests.

 

my last apartment in the US, the night I moved in.

 

then I hit a plateau of sorts, as my work schedule firmed up, and appointments happened on days off.  the kid came home from school and was feeling more comfortable in our newest home, and the apartment was getting more organized.  I was still dragging a bit, and that was ok, because I was still coming out of a period of depression and inactivity from the year of mourning my mother, and all that happened as a result of that - international travel, grief, strained relations, family issues, the kid's final year of high school and his attempt to attend college...it was a lot and more.  but I felt the pull towards abundance.  friendships.  quality of life.  I missed my girlfriends from NY (still do).

because I had a good job and was earning decent money I started 'paying it forward'.  I gave one of the homeless girls I worked with some money against a paycheck she couldn't cash because I chose to trust she would pay me back (she didn't).  I contributed to a few gofundme campaigns my 'friends' posted on facebook.  I took an old friend out for a nice lunch for her birthday.  I gave of my time and energy by serving on committees that worked towards building community, attended council meetings, networked with local organizations as well as state and federal agencies, wrote reports, developed surveys and compiled the results for our town and city representatives, and more.  it was a really positive moment in my life, and I thought I had found my place, but I also started to burn out a little.

 

the only picture that exists of me at my desk.  

what I can tell you about this picture is that I'm wearing one of the t-shirts I made with our organization's logo on it, my hair is done up, and I'm wearing jewelry.  that's a level of 'put together' I rarely have the energy to achieve.

 

I tried dating, but that didn't pan out so well (I think I'm just over it).  it was a period of doing what I needed for myself; if that was sleeping a lot and smoking tons of pot, eating out and neglecting the dishes, then I did my best not to sweat it, or myself.  watching another movie, sitting on my ass, not exercising.  not worrying about doing what was 'right' or productive.  sometimes, we do too much.  put it down, it's not your problem.  I yelled at my friend for going on and on about their ex because it had been years since their relationship ended and I really thought it was time for them to move on.  as much as I tried my best to find grace for myself and others, I sometimes failed.  what do You need to put down?  the doubts?  the fears?  the perfectionism?  

...but this was about homelessness, healing, and All My Stuff.  when we had to move quickly (again) after my mom died, we ended up in a furnished apartment for the boy's last year of high school which meant 98% of our things ended up in storage for an entire year, and when he graduated and we moved to VT, we just took everything out of storage in NY, put it in a moving truck, and put it right back into storage in VT until we were able to bring it to the new apartment while the kid was on winter break after his first semester of college (I got the keys and stayed on the floor in the empty place with the cat for that first month).  

 

she was so happy to have room to move around!

 

so after not seeing or having the majority of my things for a year and half, I was in no rush to unpack them because it was somewhat overwhelming.  like I said, the apartment is tiny (in retrospect, and from my apartment in Israel which is half the size of the apartment in VT, it looks like a mansion!), I made the painful choice to let go of the lovely antique curved glass cabinet that my grandparents gifted me when I was 15 or so, and my mother's old steamer trunk.  those two items held most of my nicer collections of things, and my art supplies, respectively.  the art supplies were relegated to some repurposed shelves in a closet, but the scales, antique glass bottles, old dolls, fancy tchachkis, and more I simply repacked into boxes and stored in another closet as there was nowhere to display them, and their display case was gone because it was simply too large and delicate for me to figure out how to fit it in the apartment.  

 

the steamer trunk had been a part of my life as long as I can remember, and I will probably always regret giving up these two items, yet do my best to live with my decision.

I also tried to minimize my book collection, but I had gotten rid of many of the milk crates I used as a bookshelf, so they ended up stacked on the floor in unruly towers.  and as the book 'shelf' was gone, I had no space to set up my altars.  truly demoralizing.  I mean, I did the best I could with one surface functioning as a very rudimentary sacred space, but much like so many of my more precious items, the sacred bits and pieces were mostly still packed away (still are) and would remain so until I felt safe enough to access them.  

safe enough...that's it, really.  that bottom line of 'we never fully unpack because we're always ready to run' thing I used to discuss with certain Romani friends, and how we kept stashes of 'good boxes' for that purpose.  and giving up my 'good boxes' is a hard lesson I still catch myself learning.

so just two short years later (an ongoing pattern in my life with both relationships and apartments) I found myself sifting through my belongings again, making the deepest cuts to date of my beloved items, and moving overseas to fulfill my dream/nightmare of living in Israel.  and guess what?  after the first month of staying in an Airbnb, I ended up kicking around on the edge of homelessness for a few weeks until I managed to find a sublet for a month, then the apartment I've been in for a year and a few months.  I remember reading a horoscope a few days before signing the contract that said "this is the first day of the rest of your life".  so does it feel like home yet?  sorta kinda, not really, almost.  I still have a pile of boxes packed with the last of the precious and sacred items I couldn't bear to part with stacked up in front of the bookshelf, giving the place an unfinished, transient feel because I don't have the money to buy the furniture I need to unpack them onto - yet.  

 

my 'sacred' items and tchatchkis...and probably a few more things I've forgotten about.

 

believe it or not, there's still a few things I left in VT that I meant to bring with me!  oh well.  my son either will or won't bring them to me someday.  if so, I'll find/make space for them.  if not, I'll just add them to the list of things I loved and lost, and hold them in my memory.  

I probably won't hang the artwork/tapestries until I get the furniture/boxes dilemma solved.  since I don't know how long I'll get to stay here, I'm reluctant to 'move all the way in' for fear of feeling At Home, and having to run again.  why?  I had a glimmer of a thought of staying here for...I don't know...years?  a long time - for me?  much as I hate living in a city and would prefer to live in what passes for suburbs here (or lord willing, the country), I have to be realistic about the fact that I make very little money and may never be able to afford anything more, including the car I would probably need if I lived somewhere more rural.  I've never planned ahead, or was any good at setting future goals because I guess I just never imagined living this long, or that I would be able to do anything other than wander through life on the edge of survival.  

and once again, I don't feel connected to my community yet, either.  I don't feel essential at work, or like I'm doing the best that I can there; I don't know anyone in my building or have any friends, though the guy at the local falafel place knows my face, as well as do some of the folks who work at the shops I frequent.  but no one knows my name or would notice if I went missing.  I'm still not eating quite right or exercising, and I haven't managed to figure out the healthcare system to the point of feeling like I'm taking proper care of myself.  the few times I have managed to find the energy for socializing and attend events the other folks were all 10 to 20 years older than me, and/or several tax brackets above me, so I just didn't fit in.  

and I guess there's a part of me that wanted that, because...here I am.  always on the outside, looking in.  feeling the pull of wanting to be part of something larger, while not fitting in anywhere.  both wanting and not wanting to be wanted.  needing to feel needed while not wanting to need anything or anyone.  just wanting something that's Mine that no one else can take away from me.  don't we all want that?  I guess some of us think that's our kids, but once they hit puberty, that dream dies, too.  I do hope my kid comes back around to wanting to be a part of my life, because I love and miss him.  in the meantime, I'm still trying to find out where I fit in, here.  still learning the language I need to be of real use to the people I work with, and get back to the work I was learning to do in my last community.  maybe there's a pattern here that I'm too close to see, yet.  maybe I am slowly weaving my way towards a dream that will find me content and fulfilled.  maybe I am healing from homelessness.

maybe I'm finally finding my way home. 

Wordle 747

click here to read all of this week's contributions

 

The Sunday Whirl is graciously hosted by Brenda Warren, and this week's words are:

 

 

 

still rattling hunch chains packages crunch life scan lose fits grasping colony

 

I have a hunch that the majority of the people still rattling their angry chains about events currently happening in Western Asia don't have ancestors who heard the crunch of Nazi boots in the streets they lived in, or suffered under the Islamic regime all their lives, where women are grasping towards a life that doesn't require them to dress like packages.  can you even begin to imagine being forced as a child to submit to a marriage to an old man or a terrorists, or be permanently scarred and possibly die in an acid attack - or endure the pain of surviving one?  what about the many people who went out in the streets to protest, even though they knew they may lose an eye for demanding justice and peace from their government?  a quick scan of who reads and comments on the various blogs/bloggers that participate in this writing challenge reveals a small colony of folks who are against 'war' in general (as am I), yet don't understand the wider implications of what military action in this region means for them in their safe little homes thousands of miles away.  now, I'm not pointing fingers, but, if the shoe fits...  I see a lot of anger on social media at the way ICE is operating, and opposition to the loss of many social safety nets for veterans and folks who live on the lower end of the 'socioeconomic scale', but would that online anger be seen in the streets if the consequences were the loss of an eye or an acid bath?  how many LGBTQAI+ folks would be waving their anti-American flags if it meant they would end their lives in a public hanging?  I don't enjoy sitting in the bomb shelter with my neighbors, but I do want to see more support behind ending the regime that targets both the country I grew up in, and the one I now live in (and many others around the globe, as well).  you can hate your government and what it does and still want there to be peace and justice in the world for all.

 

  

Acid Attack Victims Need Love and Compassion

 

Shabbat Purim Full Blood Moon Eclipse in Virgo Shalom & Community Reading

sadly, the eclipse won't be visible where I am, and there won't be another one until New Year's Eve 2028/29.  oh well.  I've seen blood moon eclipses before, most notably on my 50th birthday, so I can visualize what I need to connect to the energies we are currently experiencing.    

 

not my image - I stole it from the internet

 

as this eclipse is the third in a set of 3, I'm looking back to March and September of last year to see what themes or changes have been unfolding for me in order to recognize some 'bigger picture' that may help me release whatever needs releasing to see my path more clearly.

during the March eclipse I was in a pretty good place, having found a bunch of 'hag stones' on the beach which gave me a kick in the spiritual ass as if to say 'change your perspective, sister, and Get Your Spark Back!'  soon after, I finally found an apartment to sublet while still looking for my own, and it was blissful to have the kind of privacy I need in order to thrive after the airbnb I stayed at for a month, followed by a 'guest house' for a few weeks.  I was finally able to eat well and hydrate properly, and make a more concerted effort towards looking for work.  I got a pedicure and had my toenails painted bright orange to reflect the season and my mood.  I wrote - to quote the Magic 8-ball my son had given me as a Chanookah gift years ago - 'signs point to yes'. 

by the September eclipse I was on my third job and was trying to get into a rhythm of cooking, meal prepping, and cleaning, figuring out the health care system, and doing my best to work with several different 'specialists' to follow their plan for me to lose weight and lower my A1C.  my body was hurting (always an indication that I'm not in a good place) and I was exhausted from work, so I barely had enough energy at the end of the day to do much of anything but take a nap.  other than growing my tiny garden, my life was feeling mostly empty and unfulfilling.

 

as an aside:  it's been hard to work on this post as we're being bombed in response to our preemptive strike on Iran.  I've been up and down the stairs to the bomb shelter all day for the past few days, and in the moments between, doing my best to take care of myself.  

 

so what has this look into my recent past revealed about my path forward?  as this eclipse is happening in the sign of Virgo, it's indicative of slow and steady change focusing on realigning with kindness, awareness, patience, and quiet care for the Self.  I need to keep myself balanced in both mind and body through meditation and reflection, so I can meet the challenges of my life with courage and wisdom.  saying goodbye to anxiety about the future in order to feel stable in the present is one way to take thoughtful action towards healing, and a reminder to use my strengths like Doing My Research rather than jumping from one thing to the next.  it's also a great reminder to celebrate my wins - and there have been many - as perfection isn't the goal, here.  it's healthy to accept when we make mistakes, and move on from them.  they are important chapters in our story.

 

I got this one from the Forever Conscious website

 

let's pull some cards!  since I'm currently experiencing the residual effects of the war in western Asia (post-colonial language for accuracy) - meaning I'm nowhere near the front lines, just minding the alerts that tell me when to seek shelter from ballistic missiles - I'm thinking I'll use the Hoodoo Tarot.  I don't use that deck very often, or at all really, because it always seems mad at me.  or maybe that's me projecting, who knows.  that's the message that came to me, so that's what we're doing.  and because it's Purim tonight, I'm looking through the lens of Esther and Vashti, and asking these ancient matriarchs to share with us what they know:

 

 

what do we know/what can we say about the Divine Feminine globally:  Ten of Knives

~ knives or swords are the suit of air, and are associated with thoughts, ideas, the intellect, and writing.  and 10's are the culmination of the suit - the 'end of the journey', or the complete expression of all the experiences The Fool has had on her way through the suit.  and these have been Hard lessons.  while the image is scary (ten knives in the back!  scroll down to see the cards), and speaks of betrayal and a kind of 'hitting rock bottom', it also shows us the dawn after the dark.  it's about surviving disaster, learning from your mistakes, and being more cautious about who you trust.  times may be hard, but they are getting better.  it speaks of one who has used a powerful tool without the proper respect for its destructive power, and not only gets burned (stabbed), but plays the victim in the hopes that someone will come and save them.  while the complete and total defeat of the spirit is beyond painful, on the other side of it is the start of something new.  the only thing we can control is our own response to it, so we just have to get up, dust ourselves off, and start again.  we've done the research; we've studied our history and written new books.  we've taught what we've learned to our daughters who have continued the conversation with our grand- and great-granddaughters.  and now we need to get it out of our heads and bring it further into our hearts, create with it, and ground all of our work with the knowledge of what we are moving forward from.  dance it out, sing about it, and invoke the Divine Feminine in all aspects of our lives and work.  there is no greater way to bring more balance into the world.

what do we know/what can we say about the Divine Feminine in Israel:  Big Mama

~ Big Mama (or The Sun) is one of the most positive and uplifting cards in any tarot deck!  it appears right near the end of The Fool's journey and in this deck in particular, speaks directly to The Matriarch being the cornerstone of family and the keeper of ancestral wisdom.  it tells us it is Our time to SHINE.  to share our glory, our light, and our power with the world!  in being our authentic selves we liberate and uplift everyone around us.  the path is cleared for our ultimate success, and abundance and joy will be the result of sharing our radiant brilliance with others.  as Israel has been struggling through dark times, let this be our sign that through the Divine Feminine/Shekinah, our liberation is assured.  it is inspiring to see the increase in understanding of our ancient connections to female power in what has been a predominantly patriarchal country and culture for centuries.  may we have the wisdom as a nation to heed Her call.

what do I know/what can I say about how the Divine Feminine relates to the work I do:  Seven of Coins 

~ this is my garden growing.  this is a card of slow and steady progress, of taking the time to assess what is working, and what isn't.  by reflecting on my choices and considering the possibility that my fear of failure is preventing me from finishing what I start, I will have a greater ability to see the bigger picture and create a long-term plan that will pay off into my future.  by focusing on my vision and what it means to me, through patience, gratitude, and staying grounded in the present, success is literally just around the next corner.  

 

 

wow.  and doesn't that all relate back to the eclipse in Virgo energy?  what an exceptionally divine and important moment to be living through.  we may see the liberation of millions of women suffering under oppressive regimes in the near future!  we may see women across Western Asia become a global force for bringing more balance to the world!  let it be so.

 

as always, if you enjoy these community readings, feel free to connect with me for a private reading through my Facebook page, Mysteriam Tarot & Dreamwork.

 

Memory Jar 2024 (two years later) ~

 

 

my list -

massage and pedicure birthday treat

got my spray paint on!

getting my Aliyah approval on my late mother's birthday 💙

the IDF rescue of four hostages

all the beautiful moments of watching my son grow and thrive

my 'Sinwar-taschen' were bangin' this year! (as were my latkes and suvganiot)

Passover!  I cooked all the things!

I made Besamin, and herbal dream mix

deciding to finally make Aliyah

Eden Golan singing Hurricane at Eurovision

leaned in to the joy of making potholders

more potholders 

finishing long ignored projects

My Fabulous Porch

Shabbat birthday with chocolate pudding pie

summer of joyous unemployment

growing tiny mutant vegetables

getting a gift on Mother's Day

solar eclipse!

learned to prioritize myself

Eli Kopter, Moti Rola, Gal Axy  😂

Spa at Essex hot tub birthday

I baked lots of wonderful challah

experienced Jewish joy amidst heartbreak

his list - 

Buckethead

DOOM 2025

listening to Led Zeppelin on drugs

cereal milk

getting big 

GWAR

for many years, my son and I had the tradition of writing down cool things that happened in our lives on pieces of paper, and saving them in a jar to share with each other on New Year's Eve to relive the joy we experienced throughout the year.  as he got older, he shared less, and every now and then I'd ask him if he had put any good memories in the jar, or encourage him to think back and see if there was anything he felt like sharing.  2023 wasn't a great year for our relationship, though we still had our personal joys that were becoming more specific to ourselves, and less about events in times and places that we shared.  and that's ok.  kids are supposed to grow on their own, away from their parents, in their own unique and beautiful ways, and parents...well, we have to learn to re-center ourselves within our own lives as our children need us less, and in fact often tend to push us away.

it's been pretty hard for me after being a relatively hands-on parent for the past 20 plus years to feel that relationship sever and break, and while I have enjoyed remembering who I was before I was 'Mom', it was heartbreaking to lose that closeness we had shared for so long, and to live with such greatly heightened tension in my own house.  I know I said and did things I regret, and I hope some of the terrible things he said and did have caused him to reevaluate some of the ways he chooses to treat me in the future, though I'm not seeing evidence of it yet.  I remember when the same developmental stage in my own brain snapped the cord between my mother and I, and I do my best to remember that while it took a few years, I did finally realize that she wasn't the devil, and began to offer her the respect the deserved (when she deserved it).  I hope he gets there soon, because I truly miss him.

 I honestly don't even remember what I did for New Year's in 2024, and my facebook is currently disabled for some bizarre reason so I can't look back and check.  more likely than not, I spent the day packing and getting ready for the international flight I was taking three weeks from then, and went to bed early.  I know I started this post around then, too (I think the time stamp said Jan. 2, 2025).  looking over my list, I see that I had a great time cooking and baking, taking advantage of being unemployed to get my craft on, engaging in self-care, and making the second biggest decision of my life (the first being to birth my child knowing I would be taking the parenting journey alone) - moving to Israel in the aftermath of the October 7th attacks, and the resulting extreme rise in antisemitism that affected my everyday life, which eventually cost me my last job in the States.

did I put a new tag on the jar for 2025?  I left it back in the old apartment with the kid - did he put anything in it during the course of the past year?  and what about me?  did I take the time to record and save any of my good memories from the past year?  10 years of memories shared with my kid was a wonderful experience for me (I hope it was good for him, too), and I know I was hoping that even though we're geographically far from each other now, that we could keep the tradition alive, but alas.  it seems it is not to be.  and I can still continue the tradition for myself, because...well...why not.  if I tried, I could probably make a list of the cool things that happened for me last year, but that would have to be a separate post.  at this point - 2 years later - I'm making this post because every now and again I look over my list of unfinished drafts and try to make a go with one of them, and since it's January, this one caught my eye.  I wanted to finish out the 'Memory Jar' posts at a nice round '10 year mark', so here we are.  if there's to be a 'Memory Jar 2026' post, it will be of a different nature.

writing this post - and my facebook/instagram being disabled - did get me to look over my blog a bit and do some 'behind the scenes' editing, such as going over the list of other blogs I follow, and seeing if any of the collective postings I used to engage with are still active.  I unfollowed a lot of people who either don't post anymore, have taken their blogs down or moved them elsewhere, and those I'm simply no longer interested in, like the ones I followed specifically for a job I was doing at the time.  the world and the 'blog-o-sphere' have changed around me, and I seem to be at the point where I wonder, 'who even blogs anymore' (even though my reading list says I'm not the only dinosaur still out here)?  I'm sure 'the kids' would laugh at me and tell me I'm fifteen or so iterations of social media platforms behind, and do people even still read (I do)?

there was a point at which I had started to print out my individual posts to have a 'hard copy' in case I ever wanted to do anything with some of the things I've written here, but there's a lot of content, for better or worse, and I guess some circumstance or other ended up taking precedent and I didn't finish that project, either.  it was a few years ago already when I said that I didn't need to start any more projects because I have enough of them filed away to keep me busy for the rest of my life.  so, here's one more post knocked out, and on to the next.  I'm sure some of those unfinished drafts will end up deleted, but I need to take the time to review them in order to decide which.  I had attempted to start the process, and the oldest draft in my folder is from back in 2020 and has a ton of links attached - I was trying to write it like a research paper, and it's pretty involved, so I got overwhelmed and walked away.  we'll see.  at least this one is done.

below are the links to Memory Jar posts past - enjoy! 

 

2014  2015  2016  2017  2018  2019  2020  2021  2022/2023  

 

Shabbat Aquarius Full Moon/Lion's Gate Portal Shalom

in order to prepare and perform ritual tonight for the full moon, I'm immediately stuck, thinking "what can use to cleanse my aura before, or use for anointing myself after?"  and then, "I know I have homemade rose powder in my altar box (along with an aura cleansing tool), it's just not accessible at the moment!"  frustrating.  so I go out to the meerspeset to see if the moon is visible in the sky, and There She Is - appearing in a break in the clouds, and as always, taking my breath away.  there.  I can just cleanse my aura in moonlight, and use fresh, clean, moon water for anointing myself after I've done my ritual.  we make do with what we have in the moment, yes?

 

so I fling my arms out wide and facing east, turn myself around in the moonlight to the south, west, and north, opening myself up to - and inviting in - all the loving energies flowing around and through me.  I ask them to help remove all energy and emotion that isn't mine, and doesn't belong to me, so that I feel uplifted, my heart open, and the energies I want to work with can move freely through me.  I thank them for joining me as I endeavor to stand in my own light.

to cleanse and prepare my space, I light my Shabbat candles and use my regular, everyday broom to sweep the meerpeset while envisioning a glowing, healing light charging the area with loving energy, peace, hope, and positivity.  I sing a little 'thank you' song about cleansing my space with love and gratitude as it begins to feel magical and protected.

 

 

taking my bowl of water in both hands, I state out loud the things I would like to release, clear, and receive some clarity around in my life, such as anger, resentment, and more mundane issues pertaining to my flow of financial abundance - or lack thereof - this month in particular, and in my life in general.  I then sit with my candles and bowl of water, in my protected space, and once again call to my ancestors (and others) to help center and ground my energy while connecting to my Higher Being.  I bring my hands to my heart and speak to that energy center in my body, and to my third eye, so that I may be better guided by my insight and intuition in my meditations.

 

opening the case where I keep my tarot cards, the first deck I see is the Thoth deck, which feels just right for tonight's reading.  settling back into my lounge chair under the light of the full moon - and the energy of the lion's gate portal - I begin to shuffle...awkwardly.  this deck is still new to me and I've hardly used it since I got it because it's slightly different from the more popular and well-known decks, and requires (in my opinion) more study to be properly understood.  so as I'm feeling the cards slip through my fingers from one hand to the other, I get a 'jumper', which I don't always work with.  since my hands are small, I have several ways that I shuffle decks, and there are times when a card will align awkwardly, or slip out of place, so I'll just tuck it back in and keep on shuffling.  this one dove all the way under my chair, face up, so I set it aside and went on with my shuffle until I was satisfied, and drew a card.

 

 

10 of Wands.  curious.  and the jumper was the Princess of Wands.  even curiouser.  

the 10 of Wands in the Crowley/Harris deck is called Oppression, and indicates that one has become detached from their spiritual sources, and that no matter how much force is used (implying too much force has already been used), it cannot be brought to bear on the situation at hand.  feeling trapped where we can't experience life the way we want, with the flames having run rampant from lack of understanding, devouring one's self from within.  failure against a strong opponent, revenge, cruelty, malice, and injustice. 

the Princess of Wands is considered the Earth aspect of fire - two elements that tend to strengthen each other, yet this pairing is considered combustible, implying this Princess has a reactive personality.  she is associated with the 'whims of the body', or the 'animal soul'; considered to be turning her back on the mundane to follow her passions and inspiration.  she is energetic, vital, enthusiastic, and courageous, in no way afraid to express herself.  she tends to be ungrounded, and subscribes to her own brand of justice which can run towards vengeance and cruelty.  having that tiger by the tail can indicate setting one's self free from old fears and patterns by bringing them to the surface and conquering them, usually learning these lessons 'the hard way'.  she represents the silence to which all things return, and is considered both permanent and non-existent.  consuming all that come into her sphere, she is Lilith; the dark, mysterious Feminine, and her body is the fuel of the Sacred Fire. 

wow.  that has a lot of deeply personal meaning for me, which I will - believe it or not - keep to myself.  but if you know me...you may, as they say, Know.

 

 

I let the water sit out overnight to absorb all the good moonlight it could, and just before dawn, I thanked it for soaking up the things I wished to release, clear, and gain clarity on while my intentions begin to weave themselves into the fabric of my life in a peaceful, calm, and loving way.  I released those intentions from the water, and returned it to the Earth by pouring it through the drain in the meerpeset to run into the ground below to purify it.  

skipping the anointing as I already poured out the water, I once again brought my hands to my heart center and third eye while repeating the mantra 'I am love, I am loved, I radiate love'.  there happened to be some lime seeds hanging out in the bowl I used for the moon water, and before I poured it out, I took the seeds out of it and set them aside for planting.  we'll see how that goes.

Shabbat Shalom, and Blessed Be! 

Making Aliyah

I feel incredibly blessed to have made Aliyah on my Zayde's and my 'shared' birthdays - my flight from the States was the day after my birthday, and I landed in Israel on my Zayde's birthday.  there are so many signs pointing to this being the right thing for me to be doing, even though it's been HARD.  harder than I thought?  I can't say...I don't know if I thought about how hard it may or not have been before I left, just that going was the right thing for me to do.  and even though it's been HARD, I'm still so grateful to be here in Israel, and have no intentions of doing anything but staying, and figuring out how to make it work the way I usually do, and looking back at these HARD times from a place of gratitude and plenty.

 

 

Having booked an Airbnb for a full month, thinking I would find a job and an apartment quickly, I spent most of that time running around between ministry offices, the bank, the Hebrew school, the bus station, the health service, and various mini-markets and grocery stores.  there was a minute when I thought I had found a place, on my last day in the Airbnb, but after stringing me along for a week while adding more and more conditions to my renting the place, the landlady finally refused me.  first she wanted a co-signer, then a co-signer in Israel, then a bank guarantee, then bank records from all my bank accounts both here and in the States...it just got to be too much, and at that point, I was a week past my check out date, so had to give my hostess whatever money I had, and leave.  if I had a job, the mean landlady might have rented to me, but so far, no luck there.  I may find that to be the case with all the landlords here, but I still have to try, right?

 

 

I am proud of myself for managing to figure out the buses (in this city, anyway!), which may not seem like a big thing, but I've been living in mostly rural areas for decades, which pretty much requires a car to get around.  I sold the car about a week or so before I left, and it was tough getting where I needed to go for that time, even with my son helping me out with rides, and lending me his car when he could.  the car was also sentimental to me, as it was my mother's car that she gave to us right around the time kid became a teenager, and the one he learned to drive in.  I also lived in it for about 5 months when we first moved to Vermont, and I was having trouble finding an apartment due to the insanity of the housing crisis happening there.  I think it's fair to say the car saved my life in that particular instance, as the late Summer turned to Autumn, and I still didn't have a place by the time the snow began to fly, and the temperatures plummeted.  but that's a different story, and you can read about it in another post.

the state-sponsored Hebrew school is no joke, with classes running 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 months, and I was up for it.  I'm good at school, and even though I could only write in print like a kindergarten kid and started a week behind the rest of the class, I caught right up no problem.  I mean, my script still looks like a child's handwriting, but that will obviously improve with practice.  the issue I had there was this one highly disruptive dude in my class who was making me nuts - I know, I know, I'm an adult and should be passed such judgements or letting a thing like that bother me, but he was just so...predatory that it was making me angry that no one seemed to care, and even indulged his behaviors.  so after I made several complaints about him, I just decided to switch classes.  the new class only meets two days a week, and three days a week every other week.  at first I was bothered by that, thinking I wasn't learning fast enough going full-time, but it's also better because now I have more time for the other things I need to be doing, too.  there's a part of me that tells me I should and can be doing more, and there's another part of me that's saying what I'm doing is A Lot, and it's ok to slow down and take it in smaller chunks.  it all leads to the same place eventually.

 

 

the health service has proven to be a real challenge for me, and it took several visits to not really get anything that I needed done there.  well, that's not entirely true - my cousin did help me set up a follow-up appointment with the doctor after I couldn't make it to the one I had, and failed to navigate the phone menu in order to reschedule it, as well as scheduled an appointment with the dental hygienist after I had made one with the dentist who wasn't who I needed to see (things work a bit differently here).  the doctor's recommendations in response to the results of my bloodwork (and other tests) were somewhat disturbing, with the doctor not only insisting I double my dose of diabetes medication, but that I begin to take insulin as well, along with ordering an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys, a retinopathy, seeing an endocrinologist, a dietician, and throwing in a mammogram to boot.  it was all too much for me, so I did none of that...well, I did double the dose of the diabetes meds I already have, just because it seemed easy enough, though it has been rough on my stomach, which is already having a hard time adjusting to the poor diet I've had since arriving.  then the dental hygienist wouldn't clean my teeth because I'm diabetic, and she needed a note from the doctor, so I walked out of there, too.  maybe I'll get back to it when I'm better adjusted, but I'm struggling to get by at the moment, so I can't handle the additional stress right now.

my diet has been terrible since I've been here, and at this point, I'm subsisting mainly on cottage cheese, hummus, and crackers, with an occasional slice of pizza or falafel thrown in when I can afford it.  the kitchen at the Airbnb was outside, which isn't the worst thing in the world, even when it's windy, rainy, and cold, which it has been often enough to make it problematic for me.  it was also shared with the other guests in the house, so I couldn't always cook when I had the time to, and I didn't necessarily want to eat outdoors, either, especially when the weather was bad.  I wasn't able to plan meals that well until I found a decent grocery store, and even then, by the time I had figured out a routine for myself, my time there was up.  sad to say, I've ended up at McDonald's twice so far just for the simple pleasure of eating indoors on a cold, rainy day.  most of the pizza and falafel places have outdoor seating here, and even the slightly more upscale Italian place my cousin took me to did as well, though it was enclosed with glass so at least the customers were somewhat protected from the elements.  when I left the Airbnb for lack of funds, I ended up at the 'guest house' I'm currently writing from (for one more night) that only has a shared microwave and electric hot plate, both of which gave me large shocks when I touched them, so now I'm afraid of them both.  and the hot plate seems to come and go, as in sometimes it's there, and sometimes it's not, so even if I were brave enough to try and touch it again, I can't count on it being there when and if I want it, anyway.  but in doing my best to adjust to my surrounding, I tried to buy some microwave meals and didn't find any, though I did buy some frozen 'nuggets' - which turned out not to be chicken, but whatever 'plant based' ingredients they were composed of, and who cares, I ate them anyway - and some microwave popcorn.  ridiculous.  

 

if I could read Hebrew better, it would probably have been obvious that these weren't made with actual chicken, though when you're hungry, it hardly matters.

 

on top of that, I'm incredibly dehydrated, and my skin looks like crap.  I know it seems like self-centered whining, especially when there are currently still hostages being held, tortured, and starved by the enemies of my people, and it is.  but how am I helping them by not taking care of myself?  we 'can't pour from an empty cup', and when I feel like crap I'm no good to anyone including me.  four days ago, when I left the Airbnb, I called a bunch of contacts and organizations to tell them I only had enough money to book myself into the cheapest place I could find, and they offered to help me out by paying for a few more days, which means I'm out of here tomorrow morning.  I have no idea where I'm going yet, but I did meet with some social service type people, and when they asked me what I did for work in the US, I told them I did their jobs - working with homeless people, and the various issues that usually accompany that condition.  we'll see how far it gets me in terms of securing a paying job, and a paying job will definitely help with renting an apartment.  and an apartment would give me the ability to radically increase my water intake, and cook myself some healthy and hearty meals, which would in turn help to regulate my digestive issues.  one step at a time.

while I've been here at the 'guest house', I did manage to do the laundry that had piled up at the Airbnb, so at least the clothes in my suitcases are clean and neatly repacked, and I also got a (cold) shower this morning, which helped fix my head a bit.  also, the Airbnb was freezing cold, and the room I'm currently in has a heater, so I've been warm for the first time since I got here without having a hot flash.  I spoke with two people this morning who may have employment for me - one at the welfare department who had a decent suggestion and will get back to me after consulting with her supervisor, and another who has 6 hours a week for me at minimum wage helping someone out after their surgery.  it's not much, but it's something.  I also have a zoom meeting this afternoon with some folks from the organization that helped me get here, so hopefully they'll have some further helpful ideas, including where to stay tomorrow, and into the future.

 

 

when I get so down in the dumps like this, I tend to disconnect from the world - wanting to be alone, not talk to anyone, and wallow in the depression.  so I deactivated my Facebook account because most of the 'real' people I knew deleted me on or around October 7th, because how dare Israelis fight back when we're attacked by murderous terrorists, or during the following year and half (3000 years) of my shouting into the void about it with the only result being more disconnections.  it really kills you inside to face so much hatred, and seeing nothing but that hatred reflected back to me by the Jews/Israelis/Zionists I am connected to on social media is almost as bad as the hate we face from the rest of the world.  it's still beautiful, here.  there are still gorgeous things to see and appreciate every day.  there are plenty of positive interactions I have on the street every day, and I'm still So Glad I made the decision to come, even when it's hard.  I'll be ok eventually.  I always am.  and I'll figure out how to be of use here, because that's what I do.  I believe I'm on the right path, in the right place, at the right time.  I miss my son like crazy, and I continue to pray to my 'network' for his divine protection because that's the most important thing in the world to me - that he succeeds in walking his own path, and that I get to take some small part in it.  other than that, I'm here for my people, forever, in whatever ways they'll have me.  may I find that way soon.

💙

This Might Hurt Tarot, Yay!

hello friends!  

I'm excited because for Hannukah this year, I finally bought myself Isabella Rotman's This Might Hurt tarot deck, which I may have fallen in love with at first sight.  when it got here, I let it sit on my altar for about a week to let it shed any lingering outside energies and soak up some goodness before I used it for the first time.  it's a standard 78 card deck (with holographic edges!) after the RWS fashion, which is exactly the reason I got it, and it came in a lovely box with a guidebook, some small cards, and a sticker!  38 years ago I started out using the Tarot of the Witches deck, which doesn't have minor arcana cards, it has 'pips' that lack the traditional symbolic artwork, so I didn't work with the minors until quite recently.  to have something resembling community during the pandemic, I joined an online tarot group, and as the weekly discussion included all the tarot cards, I ended up mostly using the Tarot of a Moon Garden during our work together, because it was the deck I had which was the closest to the 'traditional' RWS.

 

box, guidebook, deck, cards & sticker

in that group, it quickly became clear that tarot had remained a blind spot for me in terms of my cultural development over the years.  why did all our decks center whiteness?  why did they all feature European ideals of beauty, magick, wonder, virtues, and goals?  why didn't I see myself reflected in my minor arcana experience?  while the majors can be read as more Universal energies, the minors wanted to tell me a story about myself, or a person sitting in front of me, and the Moon Garden deck wasn't giving me the cues I felt I needed to tell it.  so when my searching for something that better reflected the world I had come to understand in the ensuing decades brought me to This Might Hurt, it's no wonder I got all excited...I mean, I a star-crowned chick in a leather jacket astride two motorcycles for The Chariot?  and The Fool is perfect!  this deck is so utterly inclusive and skillfully drawn, I can't wait to get into working with it for my readings! 

 

ooh, holographic edges!

 

fresh out of the box, cards are generally a bit sticky and need a good deal of shuffling to feel in any way natural in my hands, so without putting a lot of thought into any particular questions, I just listened to Craig Prues' 108 Sacred Names, thought about the recent full moon and Solstice, made an effort to move the cards through and through each other, and spread them across my cloth.  picking three at random, here's a general energy reading using the guidebook that came with the cards:

 

6 of Wands, 3 of Pentacles, King of Swords

 

6 of Wands - this is the 'public recognition of victory' card - we are enjoying the external validation of our endeavors...we worked for them, we got them, believe in them!  but do we feel we need that acknowledgement?  why?  if our goals are based on wanting/needing outside recognition, we could probably spend some time finding better motivating desires...  and while it's perfectly fine to revel in the laurels, it's perhaps best to avoid resting on them.

3 of Pentacles - "teamwork makes the dream work" (lol)!  this is about how we relate to each other in terms of work/group projects.  when we combine forces, we can achieve synergetic growth - if you work mostly alone, consider asking for feedback on your process or work-in-progress.  find ways to build positive collaborative environments.

King of Swords - leadership through unbiased judgement...this person/card is skilled at cutting to the truth.  stern, ethical, & trustworthy, this fair and just leader may exhibit the emotional detachment necessary to function in service to their community.  it is for them to be serious and logical in order to thrive (the Bernie Sanders card, lol!).

wow, what a great reading!  while we can and should take a few moments to say "yay, we did something worth celebrating, though we don't need to flaunt it, and then we're gonna get right back to making the connections we need to really level up within our respective communities.  and if we manage to be logical, fair and rational, then maybe we can model ethical and honest leadership focused in and on those communities.

I really dig this deck - it's whimsical & fun, but also serious in that all the traditional symbolism is there, it's just more easily accessible.  what a breath of fresh air!  I honestly want to do another reading with them right away...book with me today, and ask for this deck!  you'll be glad you did ~

 

The Fool

Full Blue Moon in Aquarius Community Reading

wow, that's some kind of energy out there this weekend, huh?  I've got a jar of water out charging in the moonlight, and as we're also expecting some wind & rain from the hurricane in the Atlantic, it's gonna be one powerful elixir!  

 

set a jar of water out after sundown, and bring it in before sunrise to make moon water!

 

there was a full moon in Aquarius on July 23, so this lunation is closing that energy out - its all about changing into who we mean to become, which is by no means easy, but the release of pent up emotions will certainly be healing...hopefully of the past so we may move more freely into our futures.  that it's a blue moon only amplifies its power, giving us the courage and creative energy to help new inspirations for the collective take flight...release release release!  'we the collective' have never been more aware of our personal gifts, and the need to share them - take a look back and be proud of how far we've come!  we may find that dialing down any arrogance and judgement helps us to simply recognize our value, and polish ourselves to (near) perfection.  a little "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" energy!  notice what ignites your passions, and focus on lighting that fire...or alternatively, what scares you to death, and what helps you manage to keep steady and calm?  do we talk about it/use that motivation?  or do we keep it to ourselves so we can deep-dive in solitude?  who are we when no one's looking?  let's make sure to free ourselves of any old, outdated restrictions we're stuck in and grow into everything the collective needs us - and who we need ourselves - to be.  here's what we got:

image shows three cards from The Tarot of a Moon Garden - 9 of Staffs (reversed)/10 of Pentacles/The Hierophant, with a small feather and a string of beads, on a light cloth background.

9 of Staffs (reversed):  that chip on our shoulder is telling us that we haven't been learning from our past mistakes...it's the over-identification with struggle mentality that has us tending to fail at the finish.  focusing on our triumphs - honoring the challenges we've managed to turn into opportunities - can help shift our mindset from victim to victor.  we're So Close, we HAVE to keep going!  there's nothing to be gained from wasting energy being angry that life isn't fair; use it instead to recognize and correct an indefensible position...like creating our own drama and blaming it on others (we all do it, we just change the story to suit our purposes).  there's still a lot of work to do, so let's get after it!  and maybe ease up on the restrictions/boundaries a bit...we need to learn to compromise.

10 of Pentacles:  a long hard path to get to where everything we put work into will flourish; a permanence and satisfaction made all the sweeter for being shared with family.  our plan for the future - the solid foundation on which we support and care for our legacy.  so much abundance through a balance of emotional and physical work.  deep roots help generational abundance thrive.  can this energy feel stagnant, though?  boring?  does it need a good dose of conflict?  while a conventionally stable life feels safe and expansive, we may need to ask if we're doing what really matters to us.  remember to spend time pursuing our passions while enjoying the fruits of our labors.

The Hierophant:  following the path of knowledge and education through sacred institutions, embracing convention, following the process/rules.  a trusted mentor that helps align us with our core values, a symbol of the sacred, and spiritual awareness.  being ok with asking for what we need.  someone who can and will provide wisdom and guidance, or someone who is set in their ways. don't rock the boat.  taking part in a ceremony or ritual of your own creation.

 

 

if the message here is to 'get out of our own way' and stop creating drama that holds us back from working towards building a solid foundation for our future, then perhaps in this moment we need to learn how to do that through established practices and conventional collective wisdom.  this doesn't appear to be an opportune time to seek out groundbreaking new practices, or cutting-edge solutions - stick with the tried and true for success in this instance.  where are we failing, and why?  in what ways are we stepping on our own toes, and avoiding our deepest, most necessary work for the needs of the collective?  how can we best move forward together in ways that honor and uplift us all?  how much work have we done towards updating the 'collective wisdom' in our time, and can we do more?

I know I have a lot to think about in terms of how best to move forward with bringing my dreams to fruition, and 'following the established rules' is probably a great place to start, in my case.  as always, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

resources:

Light Witch Tarot Shop

The Hood Witch

Anima Mundi Herbals

Dr. Michael Lennox

210 42hz Aquarius full moon frequency

Friday the 13th/Saturday the 14th Shabbat Community Reading

it feels like forever since I posted a community reading but I've been moving house, so between the packing up and looking for an apartment (again), and doing the actual lift & carry, I've been a bit absent to say the least.  here it is two weeks later, and I'm just starting to get back to my routines, as the whole process was emotionally, mentally, and very physically draining, and I've needed some serious recuperation time filled with relaxation and self-care.  not to mention all the astrology!  how have you all managed to navigate:  the Venus/Mars alignment, Chiron & Eris going retrograde, Midsummer, and the Lion's Gate portal energy?  it's been a roller-coaster ride of emotional turmoil for me and mine, and I'm looking forward to the gentle energy of the next full (blue) moon on the 22nd.

 

image I found on the internet that I couldn't find any info on ~

 

for today's community reading, I'm using the Tarot of a Moon Garden because the moon is obviously on my mind.  we're currently at a waxing crescent, but I'm feeling the pull to be more attuned to moon energy as the days get shorter, and we sink deeper into the dark half of the year.  I know it's a weird thing to think about while we're still engulfed in a heat wave in the US, with the annual wildfires burning on our western coast, but as the weather gets ever more extreme, I'm doing my best to tune in to how the Earth herself wants me to roll with the updates.  also with peri- or menopause, I'm not as aware of my own cycles, so am looking to the heavens for guidance and wisdom.  here's what we got:

 

image shows four cards from the Tarot of a Moon Garden - The Empress/The Chariot/2 of Pentacles/The Moon, on a pastel background with horizontal silver stripes, crowned by eucalyptus, a gold-tipped feather, driftwood, and a fairy jar.

 

wow, look at all that creative energy in motion!  I dropped one card while shuffling and set it aside, then drew the first three cards.  after looking them over and hearing their message, I turned over the 'jumper' card, and would you believe it was The Moon?  of course you would, because you believe in magic and synchronicity (and I posted a picture), and you know I smiled when I saw it and said, "of course."  so what is it saying?

The Empress - abundance, bounty, generative fertility, She is the Garden of Eden, an Earthly paradise.  all things creative and sensual, nature and nurture, coming to fruition.  the spirit that fills our existence, unstructured inspiration, joyful wholeness.  bring this loving, compassionate energy into your life, let it infuse your days and electrify your nights - start that project, support its growth!  pregnancy?  birth?  who knows?  be in nature, and feel thankful for all it offers!

The Chariot - authentic power and purpose, well earned victory.  who can we be through the refinement of our habits and rituals once we know ourselves?  "what's next" energy.  confidence and control.  harness this determined and triumphant energy for success - act on it with focus, push through, and win!  ...and maybe there's some travel coming soon for some of you?

Two of Pentacles - harmonies dancing in the midst of change.  skillfully balanced, but...are your priorities getting the attention they deserve?  adapt and flow, adjust as needed on repeat.  

bonus card:

The Moon - dreams, magic, mystery...honor your imagination, listen to your heart, and hold hands with your fear of the unknown.  nothing is what it seems, here, so use your intuition over your thought process, feel what's right in your gut.  work with the moon's phases, and it's light, for clarity and understanding.  finding those hidden truths, and freeing them from the past, is the best way forward.  

 

Tarot of a Moon Garden - The Moon card

 

I hope everyone has been well - and again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙