Shabbat Pisces New Moon/Vernal Equinox Shalom & Community Reading

 

for the last new moon of the astrological year a few days ago on the 18th, I did all the 'tying up of loose ends' as I could in terms of letting go of doubt, self-sabotage, and negative self-talk, and we'll just have to see how that plays out.  the intuitive and emotional Pisces energy had me feeling creative, and though my sleep has been interrupted, still filled with vivid and imaginative dreams.  in giving myself the space to listen, I've enjoyed honoring what my body needs which is A Lot of rest right now, and I'm grateful to have had the time to indulge myself as much as I have.  the only thing that still feels unresolved - which is kind of big in itself - is my current lack of employment, because I know when that changes, my whole schedule will change with it.  and that will work itself out the way it needs to, as well.

I've been running myself ragged for the past year with getting settled in a new country, learning the language, securing housing, looking for and working at several jobs in a row, dealing with all the bureaucracy, and finding help when I've needed it.  not to mention 'war', with all the added fun of drone strikes, rocket and missile attacks, the aforementioned losing of sleep due to alerts and sirens, runs to the bomb shelter, supporting my mental/physical/emotional health through it all, and managing my concern for my family and friends both here in Israel, and back in the US.  the patterns I see repeating are mostly the ones where I let myself get too stressed out about situations I have no control over (and my ongoing food issues), so I'm still doing what I can to remind myself that I have made it this far by continuing to get back up and try again.  all I can do is rest, and try to breathe through it, because everything is fine in THIS moment, and it all works out in the end.

so...how do I want to FEEL my way into the next astrological cycle?  I know I want to feel happy and grounded.  also safe, secure, and supported.  I'd like to feel myself becoming calmer and have the ability to act more rationally when faced with challenges (without eating everything in the refrigerator).  I know I'd like to soothe myself by engaging with more creative habits - like actually sewing that dress instead of leaving it aside for weeks, and writing in the beautiful journal I took the time to make for myself rather than leave it on the shelf.  and I want to go to the sea even though the beach is currently 'closed' due to the lack of bomb shelters nearby, but I wonder if I can't manage to find myself down there anyway.  I want to feel like I'm succeeding in bringing my vision to light, and sharing it with the world, so that is the wish I am putting out into the Universe.  

 

found online, artist info attached to image

 

we've moved into the sign of Aries, whose energy is FIRE.  today is a day to soak in the heightened frequencies and balance we are enjoying due to the Equinox, and recognizing the clarity that Mercury going direct is bringing us.  this is a time for passion and motivation - but too much of a good thing can cause burnout, so make sure to Look before leaping!  this is not the time to 'jump and hope the net will appear' (my usual M.O.), it's a time to declutter and cleanse, and start a new healthy habit or two in pursuit of our goals.  I find I've mostly been putting my energy towards finding a job - revamping my resume and Linkedin profile, working with a career coach and members of the employment support team at the aliyah agency that helped me get here, looking on the Israeli job boards, working on my networking skills...just really diving in to it, and it feels like the positive forward motion I've needed to turn my inspiration into action.

let's get to the cards.  this week I'm using the Wild Unknown pocket tarot by Kim Krans:

 ...

what is the current collective mood?  three of wands ~

 

 

wands are the suit that represents fire!   and threes represent synthesis.  the introduction of a new idea.  threes can hold, carry, and build.  this is the formulation of a plan to move forward with confidence, and see our way through to our dreams.  that sounds like a generally good mood to me, and reflects where I seem to be standing - are you feeling this?  let me know in the comments!

where will we find the support we need with chasing our dreams?  nine of wands ~

 

 

more wands, I love that FIRE, lol!  coming to the end of the suit this time, having nearly completed our journey through...the 'final step' before we complete the cycle, which can often be challenging.  it usually indicates working alone, which is a pretty clear sign that we've gotten all the help we're going to get, and need to take this last step on our own.  it will take persistence, resilience, and the ability to defend ourselves even through our own exhaustion.  doubt and fear may have us feeling like we're running out of energy to climb this ladder, but take a look back at how far we've come and find the strength to get to the point that is in reach, where all our hard work will pay off.

how can we best focus this Equinox energy to achieve maximum balance in our lives?  four of cups ~

 

 

fours are that platform we build to prop up the synthesis from the threes - a foundation, and a place to work from.  we can take a bit of a rest here and celebrate our wins for a minute...but in this case, we're not very happy with the three cups we already have while turning away from a fourth being offered.  do we not see it?  are we rejecting it?  this card is telling us that from the outside, what we have looks pretty spectacular, so why the apathy?  spending too much time thinking about moving away from everything we've built doesn't help us climb that ladder to success - the balanced energy we're currently in tune with is giving us every opportunity to name what it is we really want, and go after it!  

remember that we've integrated our older ideas with our newer ideas to come up with even better ideas, and we've done it together.  so now we each need to take that inspiration to heart and finish our own part of the work without our support systems, even though we may have moments of doubt.  what would it look like for us to find a way for our internal work to elevate our collective work?  can we find it in our understandably exhausted souls to take those last few steps on our own and find out?  I truly hope we can.

 

contact me over on my facebook page (link below) for a more personalized reading based on your own questions and concerns ~ blessed Equinox, all! 

 💙 

 ﾠ Mysteriam Tarot & Dreamwork

 

Six Sentence Story - Swing

 

click here to read all the entries!

 

 generously hosted by Denise Farley of GirlieOnTheEdge

 

every week that I participate in a certain blog hop, I hope the members of that community will swing by to read and comment on my contribution, as I do theirs.  

I can see that they're reading my posts, and commenting on each other's entries while offering mine the silent treatment, leaving me with a momentarily bitter taste in my mouth - like they're hoping that if they ignore me, I'll go away.  

the sting of their betrayal shows how frail their sensitivities are, as they seem to lack the curiosity to engage with my subject matter, torn as it is from recent headlines.  

I grow restless over their silence, and my confidence would take a massive hit if I hadn't learned to strip myself of the doubts planted by others hiding behind a facade of righteousness, judging me from wherever they are in the world.  

I want to dare them to come to where I am, and learn the truth for themselves, but ultimately I don't bother with such petty foolishness.  

I will continue as I began; writing for me.  

*I wrote this on Sunday using the prompt words for The Sunday Whirl, and wanted to include it here too, so imagine my surprise when it turned out to be exactly six sentences!  I was planning on having to do some editing, but all it needed was for me to add the prompt word in a spot where it fit, and voila!  some of the folks over at the Whirl told me that the process of using a WordPress/Google account to comment on Blogger is cumbersome and problematic, so I took a look at my settings to see if there was anything on my end that was causing an issue, and there doesn't seem to be.  so, I guess the Universe only wants me hear from people who are willing to go the extra mile.  😉  

Selah ~

 

Wordle 748

 

click here to read all the whirls!

 

generously hosted by Brenda Warren

 

 curiosity  restless  sting  hit  facade  hope  bitter  torn  strip  frail  massive  doubts

 

every week that I participate in a certain blog hop, I hope the members of that community will read and comment on my contribution, as I do theirs.  I can see that they're reading my posts, and commenting on each other's entries while offering mine the silent treatment, leaving me with a momentarily bitter taste in my mouth - like they're hoping that if they ignore me, I'll go away.  the sting of their betrayal shows how frail their sensitivities are, as they seem to lack the curiosity to engage with my subject matter, torn as it is from recent headlines.  I grow restless over their silence, and my confidence would take a massive hit if I hadn't learned to strip myself of the doubts planted by others hiding behind a facade of righteousness, judging me from wherever they are in the world.  I want to dare them to come to where I am, and learn the truth for themselves, but ultimately I don't bother with such petty foolishness.  I will continue as I began; writing for me.  

Selah ~

 

Shabbat Saturn in Aries/Aquarius Solar Eclipse/'Ezekiel Conjunction' Shalom & Community Reading

wow, Shabbat again already?  time is just passing more and more quickly for me, and I'm reminded of how after my father died at 57, I just assumed I would, too.  I turned 57 last month, and it's been a hard transition.  I started this post on the 13th of February, and didn't have the energy to finish it, so I'm picking up where I left off, with Saturn having entered Aries on the 15th:

there's SO much astrological 'stuff' whirling around us that been it's sapping my energy quite a bit.  from May through September of last year, Saturn was moving through Aries, and during that time, it gave us "a brief glimpse into the lessons and gifts that...we need to step up and take greater responsibility for" (according to one astrologer I tend to like, link at the end of this post).  while Aries is impulsive, fast-moving energy that likes to set things in motion, Saturn prefers to take it slow and calculate all the risks before choosing to proceed.  so you can see why I'm fatigued by the push and pull of it, and though I'm a bit desperate to move forward with my 'next steps' (whatever they turn out to be), I'm busy feeling stuck and doubting myself at the moment. 

 

looking back at what I was doing during the May-September Saturn in Aries window of 2025 that was a prelude to what's happening now, I was definitely exhibiting my "willingness to take leaps of faith and start new things" by getting several different jobs in a row as I learned what it means to work in this country, and how to deal (or not deal) with the agencies and people behind them.  so I'm hoping this time, instead of jumping impulsively from one opportunity to the next without a great deal of information to go on past my need to cover my rent and bills, I can focus with more clarity on where I need to put my energy in order to feel more grounded and aligned towards opportunities where I can follow through and experience some sustainable growth over this two year cycle.  

then two days later on the 17th, the Aquarius 'Ring of Fire' Solar Eclipse hit us:

the eclipse energy is all about new paths, transforming and awakening, and a 'surprise' that will be "shifting our consciousness in ways we could not have predicted".   and what is ending in order to clear the way to build a new foundation?  I guess that will be made clear by August.  we're looking for a gentle pathway towards healing - transformative, softening, "turning to nature and our intuition for guidance".  we need to pay attention to our dreams, what we're putting in our bodies, and are encouraged to ask for signs and stay open to what insights may come.  setting open ended intentions and trusting the process are also part of this lunation.

 

looking back to 2017/18 (when 'eclipse season' last happened in this sign) for clues about what may be coming up for me, I found myself building my life with my small family - taking good care of my son and nurturing his friendships, supporting his creativity and growth, and enjoying two really fun vacations together.  I took a deeper dive into my activism within the Roma community while building a small tribe of friends-as-family around us where we also shared spiritual connectivity and even some ritual work.  I took care of both my mother and a dear elder I had known for decades, and really started to enjoy being in the kitchen and learning recipes old and new.  there were some buried traumas that unfortunately needed to come to the surface for me, but on the whole, I did a great deal of work towards centering my own health, remembering my passions, and reviving practices that had been been the cornerstone of my identity forever before I got sidetracked by all the noise of life.  it was a solid time in our lives where I was able to keep us relatively stable, and my son and I thrived as a result, in many areas of our lives.  lots of good news there! 

then last but certainly not least, we experienced the 'Ezekiel Conjunction' (as Lorelai Kude called it) on the 20th, when Saturn and Neptune met at 0 degrees Aries, which hasn't happened since 593 bce:

 

The Chariot of G*d, Art by Mikayla Ragsdale

 

this event is all about rupture and reconstruction as 'holiness no is longer bound to a single place and becomes mobile', signalling a collapse of illusions into reality or the end of a long myth-cycle.  a reckoning between idealism and structure, if you will, a "time to forge a new reality from scratch".  we are expected to be grieving as we enter this time of renewal, as we learn to take personal responsibility for our actions (offer up a prayer for collective opening).  "the collapse of inherited meaning is followed by the demand for a new moral architecture...the end of illusion". are we ready to grow up and stop looking for someone to come and save us? we'd better be - we need to do it on our own. do we know who we are without the stories we've been telling ourselves all these years? we are being called to exist without all the old baggage, and to surrender to compassion. a very tall order, indeed.

I'm truly very tired, so I'll just pull one card (using the Thoth deck) and see what it says ~

 

well, would you look at that?  I can't think of a better card for our current astrological situationship.  the Queen of Swords sits on her throne of clouds ready to slice through All The Illusions to get to What's Real.  she works to refine the world, upgrading our understanding so we can fully become ourselves.  that head (or mask) in her hand represents breaking away from old roles and behaviors towards the light of liberation.  she frees our minds to make logical decisions, encourages clear and concise communication, cutting through old patterns that hold us back to see things fresh with the eyes of a child, showing us the courage and conviction to move forward in a new way.  having had a hard journey towards becoming, she also shows her vulnerability and 'goes with the flow'.  ultimately, she uses her intuition to gain insight, then uses her intellect to get what she wants out in the world.  and that seems to be exactly what what we're being asked to do. 

 

Saturn in Aries

Aquarius Solar Eclipse

Ezekiel Conjunction part 1 & 2

surrender the hoard!

written on June 14th, 2020 ~

     I prefer movies to television, but since I've been home So Much recently, I've watched a few tv shows here and there to fill in the spaces. and since I'm maturing into such a good-humored old dear, bless my heart, I tend to watch shows I've seen a bit of before, because I know I've enjoyed them for one reason or another, such as Hoarders. I like it because the houses I grew up in boasted a regimented comfort. everything had a place, and everything Stayed in it's place unless you were using it, after which you'd put it away. our things were always neat, clean, and in order. at summer camp, I was the kid who bounced a quarter on my hospital-cornered cot. when I moved out of my parents' house and lived on my own, my rooms and apartments were clean to the point of being camera-ready (a guest once commented that all my place was missing were the velvet ropes...you know, like a museum?). as a new, struggling, single mom, the piece of advice I got from veteran moms the most was to stop cleaning my house. it was hard for me to do, but I managed, and that velvet rope guest commented that they now felt much more at ease in my space. I didn't.  

     as the boy grew, we acquired more things - a crib that converted to a toddler bed, a dresser, a bookshelf, a table & chairs, toys, clothing, a tricycle.  then some of those items got bigger - a bicycle that got traded up for a mountain bike, a twin bed that got upgraded to a full-sized loft, a guitar and amplifier, a computer, a new tv, another chair...for someone who spent years living in my car out of a backpack while traveling the country, it started to be too much.  a few years back, when I helped my mom move out of her house and into an apartment, I ended up bringing a few car-fulls of ancestral belongings home with me:  my grandfather's marble inlaid chess table, some of my grandparents' framed artwork and antiques, kitchen items, and more.  there's wasn't really room for a lot of it, but I tucked them in under tables, around my bed, and into cabinets and closets.  

     when I was surprised by the news that the state was taking over the property I lived on to rebuild a bridge and we had to move again, I was less than enthused (outraged, really).  I brought a portion of my hillock of inherited ancestral detritus to sell at the local flea market, then I had a yard sale.  on moving day, whatever was left had to come with us, since I was too emotionally attached to it to just consign it all to the dumpster.  once we were settled in, I managed to sell a few more items on eBay, but I still have too many things stacked in the hallway and the bedroom to feel good about my space.  anyway...since I had the opportunity to watch a little tv, and I ended up watching Hoarders, I came to the decision that I was done cluttering up my home with these 'overflow' items, and was just going to give them to the various places where one donates their household goods.  

     so I've been taking things out of my space, a few bags at a time, and I'm SO glad I have!  I can't wait to get that hallway cleared, and then the bedroom.  at my age, and where I am in my life, I don't need or want any clutter around me (not that I ever did, really); and even though I purged some things before the move, and I'm working on getting rid of more, I'm still looking to pare down to possibly spartan levels of ownership.  I mean, what does a person really need?  sure, it's nice to be surrounded by lovely things that bring you joy, but all I ever needed to experience that was a tent in the woods.  I'd like to get back there again.  or at least as close as I can while still maintaining some semblance of what our current society considers 'a proper home'.  and I like sleeping on a firm mattress with a warm, soft blanket more than I enjoy sleeping on the ground in my sleeping bag, these days.  

     while there are things I'd like to pass on to my son, none of them are a pile of random inherited ancestral crap, or even the slightest tendency towards hoarding.  to be clear, I'm in no way a hoarder - I'm just a reformed neat-freak who likes for my environment to be clean, and clutter-free.  

 

6 years later, an update ~

    we moved two more times since then, possibly more depending on how you count, and I'm still carrying around 'too many things'.  while I did a lot of work in that apartment, the next place we moved was a tiny furnished place that we knew we were only going to be in for a year, so 95% of our things went into storage for the duration.  when the year was up, we took everything from the storage space and put it into a moving van, drove to another state, and put it all right back into storage as we didn't have a place to live yet.  then I sent the young man off to college, and lived in the car for 5 months until an apartment was finally available.  at first I just moved in with what I had with me in the car, then went and grabbed a few things like my mattress, extra blankets and clothes, toiletries, and kitchen items.  when the kid came home for winter break, we spent most of the month retrieving the rest of it, and I was once again surrounded by boxes.

    it took some time to get it sorted out and put away, and wouldn't you know it?  I ended up with a stack of things I no longer wanted or needed (but was too emotionally attached to to just throw them in the dumpster) that ended up tucked into corners, under tables, and stuffed into closets.  I did make an effort to clear most of those items out during the 2 years that I lived there, but when I decided to make Aliyah, I had to get serious about what I could bring overseas with me, what I couldn't, what my son wanted to keep, and then get rid of the rest.  

    my apartment here in Israel is very small, and though I've been here for a year already, I still have quite a few boxes that I can't unpack because I have nowhere to put the contents, which are mostly chachkis, framed art, and lord knows what else.  and I do miss a lot of the things I left behind, but...that's life, and you can't take it with you when you die, anyway.  so while I do hope to get myself into a situation where I can once again hang my dresses in a closet, keep my undies in a drawer, and display my lovely chachkis, I am still living with stacks of boxes cluttering up my environment.  it's definitely messing with my head, but I do my best and hope for better.  someday.

    I hope my son has managed to clear out whatever I left behind that he wasn't interested in keeping - I'd hate to see him keeping unnecessary things around simply because he's too emotionally attached to them to just throw them in the dumpster.  though I do hope he's held on to a few precious things to give back to me someday, if we ever see each other again.  or just because he loves them, and will remind him of his ancestors after I'm gone.  

Memory Jar 2024 (two years later) ~

 

 

my list -

massage and pedicure birthday treat

got my spray paint on!

getting my Aliyah approval on my late mother's birthday 💙

the IDF rescue of four hostages

all the beautiful moments of watching my son grow and thrive

my 'Sinwar-taschen' were bangin' this year! (as were my latkes and suvganiot)

Passover!  I cooked all the things!

I made Besamin, and herbal dream mix

deciding to finally make Aliyah

Eden Golan singing Hurricane at Eurovision

leaned in to the joy of making potholders

more potholders 

finishing long ignored projects

My Fabulous Porch

Shabbat birthday with chocolate pudding pie

summer of joyous unemployment

growing tiny mutant vegetables

getting a gift on Mother's Day

solar eclipse!

learned to prioritize myself

Eli Kopter, Moti Rola, Gal Axy  😂

Spa at Essex hot tub birthday

I baked lots of wonderful challah

experienced Jewish joy amidst heartbreak

his list - 

Buckethead

DOOM 2025

listening to Led Zeppelin on drugs

cereal milk

getting big 

GWAR

for many years, my son and I had the tradition of writing down cool things that happened in our lives on pieces of paper, and saving them in a jar to share with each other on New Year's Eve to relive the joy we experienced throughout the year.  as he got older, he shared less, and every now and then I'd ask him if he had put any good memories in the jar, or encourage him to think back and see if there was anything he felt like sharing.  2023 wasn't a great year for our relationship, though we still had our personal joys that were becoming more specific to ourselves, and less about events in times and places that we shared.  and that's ok.  kids are supposed to grow on their own, away from their parents, in their own unique and beautiful ways, and parents...well, we have to learn to re-center ourselves within our own lives as our children need us less, and in fact often tend to push us away.

it's been pretty hard for me after being a relatively hands-on parent for the past 20 plus years to feel that relationship sever and break, and while I have enjoyed remembering who I was before I was 'Mom', it was heartbreaking to lose that closeness we had shared for so long, and to live with such greatly heightened tension in my own house.  I know I said and did things I regret, and I hope some of the terrible things he said and did have caused him to reevaluate some of the ways he chooses to treat me in the future, though I'm not seeing evidence of it yet.  I remember when the same developmental stage in my own brain snapped the cord between my mother and I, and I do my best to remember that while it took a few years, I did finally realize that she wasn't the devil, and began to offer her the respect the deserved (when she deserved it).  I hope he gets there soon, because I truly miss him.

 I honestly don't even remember what I did for New Year's in 2024, and my facebook is currently disabled for some bizarre reason so I can't look back and check.  more likely than not, I spent the day packing and getting ready for the international flight I was taking three weeks from then, and went to bed early.  I know I started this post around then, too (I think the time stamp said Jan. 2, 2025).  looking over my list, I see that I had a great time cooking and baking, taking advantage of being unemployed to get my craft on, engaging in self-care, and making the second biggest decision of my life (the first being to birth my child knowing I would be taking the parenting journey alone) - moving to Israel in the aftermath of the October 7th attacks, and the resulting extreme rise in antisemitism that affected my everyday life, which eventually cost me my last job in the States.

did I put a new tag on the jar for 2025?  I left it back in the old apartment with the kid - did he put anything in it during the course of the past year?  and what about me?  did I take the time to record and save any of my good memories from the past year?  10 years of memories shared with my kid was a wonderful experience for me (I hope it was good for him, too), and I know I was hoping that even though we're geographically far from each other now, that we could keep the tradition alive, but alas.  it seems it is not to be.  and I can still continue the tradition for myself, because...well...why not.  if I tried, I could probably make a list of the cool things that happened for me last year, but that would have to be a separate post.  at this point - 2 years later - I'm making this post because every now and again I look over my list of unfinished drafts and try to make a go with one of them, and since it's January, this one caught my eye.  I wanted to finish out the 'Memory Jar' posts at a nice round '10 year mark', so here we are.  if there's to be a 'Memory Jar 2026' post, it will be of a different nature.

writing this post - and my facebook/instagram being disabled - did get me to look over my blog a bit and do some 'behind the scenes' editing, such as going over the list of other blogs I follow, and seeing if any of the collective postings I used to engage with are still active.  I unfollowed a lot of people who either don't post anymore, have taken their blogs down or moved them elsewhere, and those I'm simply no longer interested in, like the ones I followed specifically for a job I was doing at the time.  the world and the 'blog-o-sphere' have changed around me, and I seem to be at the point where I wonder, 'who even blogs anymore' (even though my reading list says I'm not the only dinosaur still out here)?  I'm sure 'the kids' would laugh at me and tell me I'm fifteen or so iterations of social media platforms behind, and do people even still read (I do)?

there was a point at which I had started to print out my individual posts to have a 'hard copy' in case I ever wanted to do anything with some of the things I've written here, but there's a lot of content, for better or worse, and I guess some circumstance or other ended up taking precedent and I didn't finish that project, either.  it was a few years ago already when I said that I didn't need to start any more projects because I have enough of them filed away to keep me busy for the rest of my life.  so, here's one more post knocked out, and on to the next.  I'm sure some of those unfinished drafts will end up deleted, but I need to take the time to review them in order to decide which.  I had attempted to start the process, and the oldest draft in my folder is from back in 2020 and has a ton of links attached - I was trying to write it like a research paper, and it's pretty involved, so I got overwhelmed and walked away.  we'll see.  at least this one is done.

below are the links to Memory Jar posts past - enjoy! 

 

2014  2015  2016  2017  2018  2019  2020  2021  2022/2023  

 

Shabbat New Moon in Virgo Shalom

what do I even have to say anymore?  that I can't stand most people?  I think it's pretty apparent if you know me at all, or read this blog, though I'm not sure I've addressed it here.  so let's address it now!

1.  I'm tired of people who don't work, don't try to work, or contribute to their community in any way.  when I was raising my child as a single parent, I definitely needed help making ends meet, so I had to rely on social services (and child support payments) to keep a roof over our heads, and food on our table.  that said, I still worked, tried to work, and/or contributed to my community in various ways.  I didn't have family to rely on, though while my mom was still alive I could usually count on her to put a $50 bill in my annual birthday card, which I usually spent on myself because it was the only boost I would get for the year, and if we can't take care of ourselves, even if only in some tiny way, we can't take care of others.

2.  I'm done in with all the various 'diagnoses' and mental health challenges that people claim are preventing them from working, trying to work, or contributing to their communities in any way.  there are plenty of 'neurodivergent' folks out there who are making a living doing one thing or another without making their issues their whole personality.  I firmly believe that I exist somewhere on that 'spectrum' as well, but I've never been tested/poked/prodded to find out where, and at closer-to-60-than-50 at this point, I really don't care.  I manage to get along as best as I can, and that's good enough for me.  do I find it frustrating at times to not really seem to be able to 'get ahead' in this world for one reason or another?  you bet your bippy - but I've also learned that having a label to attach to my issues doesn't really offer any benefits that matter, or further my goals, so why bother?

3.  I don't care for people who use alcohol as their main source of 'fun' or release.  there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine/beer/liquor or two (or even three), but if it's all night every night - or worse, during the day - I think it's a problem for you, which makes it a problem for me.  by all means, drink your meals, boo boo - just don't expect me to join in, hang out, or want to be around you at all when you do, and probably not when you don't, either.  I have been a chronic pot smoker for much of my adult life with the exception of the times I couldn't afford to buy any (like now), and I don't feel the same way about people who indulge in that habit as I do about people who drink.  prejudice?  maybe.  but there's a certain kind of overindulgent pot smoker that I don't like, either.  again, if it's your whole personality rather than just one aspect of who you are, it gets a bit...much.  but like with alcohol, if you can indulge responsibly, we're probably good.

4.  I CANNOT STAND liars!  I don't appreciate being lied to, for any reason.  I would much prefer to hear a hard truth than to catch someone out in telling me something they think I want to hear.  and I will find out the truth, one way or another.  history has shown me that I can easily find out on my own if I dig just a little bit, or simply wait it out for the Universe to reveal, eventually the lie will be brought to the light, and I will distance myself from the source of that dishonesty.  

5.  I like people who are smarter and more well-adjusted than I am, though they don't usually care for the uncompromising mess that is me.  I can play along for awhile, but not for long, and eventually they will get bored of my issues, just like I'm bored of the issues of the people I no longer have patience for, so it all evens out in the end.  I used to know this guy who said the standards I hold people to are so ridiculously high, that no one can expect to tick all the boxes, and I should just get used to being alone and/or lonely.  I said that was fine, and it mostly is, because I do enjoy solitude/my own company, though it would be nice to be able to make friends a bit more easily, and keep them longer.  but the reason my standards are so high is because I'm tired of being hurt by people who lie, cheat, choose a party lifestyle over one of substance, live inside their own personal issues, or live off of others without making any attempt to contribute to their community.  

having recently moved to another country, I've been a bit fed up with only having the opportunity to interact with other recent immigrants with the exception of the folks who work in the stores I shop at, drive the buses I ride, or run the agencies I've been to in order to find work.  there are those who say I need to go to synagogue on Shabbat to meet people, but the synagogue most of the people I've met attend is for 'Anglos' who are inherently more religious than I am, and are probably not 'my people' anyway.  but you have to start somewhere, right?  the High Holidays are coming up, and while I don't think I'll be able to attend services ($$$), it might be nice to find myself invited to someone's Shabbat table sometime.  so, I keep 'meaning' to go to temple of a Saturday, but have yet to get there.  it's hard to make myself walk somewhere I don't really care to go during the the hottest part of one the days I get to enjoy the solitude of my apartment in the relative quiet and calm of an otherwise busy and loud corner of my city.

what brought this bitch on is the folks I find myself connected to on social media.  used to be, my fakebook feed was populated by people I knew and hung out with on a regular basis, or met during my travels.  or at least folks I was acquainted with through shared interests or academic connections.  but due to the rising antisemitism in the world, or perhaps the antisemitism that's always been lingering just beneath the surface of all my relationships, that online circle got much, much, smaller very quickly after October 7th, 2023.  so I tried to repopulate my feed with 'connections'...people who seemed cool in my other friends feeds, folks who left comments that made me laugh, or in some cases, people who reshared my posts without even knowing who I was.  problem with that is, we don't really have anything in common other than our Jewishness, and a shared love for Israel.  not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I seem to have ended up with a feed full of people whining about their disabilities, and where they are in their transitions, and I'm kind of over it.  uh oh...did I say that out loud?  well, I'm sorry, but it's true.  I am honest to god missing cis/het people in my life who have jobs that they go to on a regular basis, and simply vent about their issues and move on, not make it their whole story all the damn time.

there are people I've been connected to on there for years that have played the part of being my friend, with no actual commitment to the role, or follow-through on their part.  I did recently meet up with a few folks I met on there, and it was lovely - those folks I have no issue with.  there's one person who did invite me around, and I believe they meant it.  but then I had (yet another) bad day that I bitched about, and this one particular person sent me a message in an attempt to connect, which was kind of them, but they were someone I had been considering disconnecting from because their posts were not anything I found interesting, and didn't necessarily want to be confronted with constantly in my feed.  dude wants to be female?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  chick wants to be a man?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  I'm willing to accept people for who they are, whoever they tell me that is, but enough already.  at this point I'd prefer to connect with cis/het people like myself, and not have to hear about every damn flavor of human out there.  just be who you are, boo, and stop shoving it down my throat.  I mean, I'm not out here posting about being cis/het every damn day of my life - it's just not all that important.  

and I don't want to hear about how your anxiety is preventing you from getting a damn job, and forces you to live off of your generous family members.  pull up your panties and do something other than be a parasite.  if I can do it, so can lots of other people who are leaning too hard into their 'disabilities'.  or that you did sex work that you hated to earn a living once upon a time.  guess what?  I didn't like working at the video store, or the overnight shift at the 24 hour store, or as a janitor, but I Had To Pay My Rent, so I did the damn thing until I found something better, and it wasn't a husband/wife that paid all my bills for me so I could sit around and write poetry about the angle of the light hitting my designer furniture.  where's the accountability?  there are people in the homeless shelters I worked in trying harder than that, with less education and opportunity, and doing ok for themselves.  I knew a woman who had her hand chopped off and sewed back on who worked her ass off at every opportunity to keep herself off the streets.  respect, girlfriend.  it was tough out there for her.  it was tough out there for me too, with both my hands, and I've been out there enough to know I don't want to be out there again.  I guess some people haven't had to live on the streets for long enough to learn that lesson...or at all.  lucky them.

this isn't a rant about ALL disabled people, or gay or trans people, or single parents, or what have you.  it's about people who I've interacted with enough to know that I don't have an awful lot of respect for the ways they appear to be living in the world, and that's my prerogative.  I don't have to like everyone, I don't even have to like every Jewish person, or even every Israeli, but I do have to like myself, and in order to do that, I have to be honest about who I want to connect with, and how.  if you don't want to be my friend after reading this, then so be it.  is it my loss?  maybe.  depends on who doesn't want to be friends anymore after reading it.  there are plenty of gay people I love and respect.  there are plenty of folks with disabilities that I admire - some I've even worked with.  I'll bet there are trans people out there that I could get along with, too.  some cis/het people suck (lots of them do).  I'm just in a place where I need more women who understand the particular issues of having been women our whole lives.  or men who are feminists while still being manly men who aren't misogynist pieces of garbage.  folks who know what an endocrine disruptor is, and did their best to avoid them, along with other environmental dangers.

it is part of my soul's purpose here to make sure each and every one of us on this planet together is cared for, and gets everything they need, to the extent of my abilities, and I'm aware that in this 'window' of setting intentions, it is important to choose my focus wisely.  as we enter the 'wormhole' of eclipse season, we should expect chaos and transformation - and the ability to get back up from whatever happens to knock us down.  so maybe this is just my way of clearing the decks so I can tap into the hope and optimism I want so badly to connect with in the world that is also on offer just now.  while we may be headed into a complex maze of rising emotions, we are also being given an opportunity for healing, integration, and repair.  an astrologer whose work I admire speaks of planting seeds with faith, which is something I love to do, and do often.  the one picture I'm sharing in this post is of my latest sprouts, which are from a seed pod I picked up off the sidewalk, and planted, with only the vaguest idea of what they are (I think they're the seeds of the trees that made the gorgeous flowers whose petals would stop me in my tracks with a desire to paint their likeness, even though I'm not a painter).  alpha and omega, my friends.  selah ~

 

not a great picture - there appear to be seven little sprouts poking their heads through the soil, and I wish them the best of luck.  I will replant them as soon as I have more containers for them.

💙

Home...ish

have you ever gotten to that point while looking for a place to rent that you think "I'm just going to take the next apartment that's even remotely doable"?  well, I did.  after too many text messages back and forth between the landlord, the lady I was subletting from, my 'trusted local resource person', and me, I finally consulted with one of the 'Anglo' facebook groups focused on making smart financial decisions here in Israel about the landlord's ongoing and escalating requests for me to rent the place, and the general consensus was RUN - don't walk - away from that deal.  so I went back online, looked up some more apartments, and went to see them.  eventually I decided that all the apartments in my price range were pretty much the same, and that I just needed to pick one, and get on with it.  I've moved around so much in my life, the truth is, I can make ANY place work for me.  even the place with the bathroom that was so small the door wouldn't even open all the way because it hit the toilet, and I had to squeeze between that opening and the sink to stuff myself into the shower space that I couldn't imagine how I'd be able to get myself clean in because I wouldn't be able to move.  the realtor assured me we could have the property manager change the door out for an 'accordion door', and take the glass shower walls out and put in a curtain, which I was almost willing to do, given that the apartment was in the same building I had been staying in, though it was right next door to the barky dog I heard daily, who made me wonder how people kept pets the size he sounded to be in such small spaces.  

then there was the place that wasn't bad size-wise, but the current tenants had a rabbit and the place Stank.  when I opened the kitchen cabinet, there were jukim (Israeli cockroaches), and even the convenience of an elevator wasn't enough to sell me on the amount of cleaning I would need to do to in order to make it livable for me.  there was a decent place in the center of town that was even smaller than the place with the tiny bathroom, and while there happened to be a flood of water flowing down the stairs from the second floor when I went to see it, it wasn't that much of a problem for me...I just didn't know how any of the things from my lift would fit in it.  so, gladly, there was the place with the meerpeset.  now, I Love a good porch, and I realize I didn't share anything in this blog about the fabulous porch I had in Vermont, but it was my happy place during the months when it wasn't buried in snow, and I even went out there when it was, just to stand outside, even though there were only two feet or so or space where it was clear.  the place with the meerpeset is also small, and the price of rent kept fluctuating depending on which of the people involved in my renting it I was talking to, but long story short, I rented it anyway, mostly because I was tired of looking (and the meerpeset!).

 

Vermont porch, winter and summer

 

I 'moved in' on the day the bed I bought was being delivered, which just means I brought my suitcases and foodstuff over from the sublet.  my first order of business when I move in Anywhere is to CLEAN.  I'm a neat freak (thanks Dad), so most spaces don't generally measure up to my standard, and need to be scrubbed before I can even feel comfortable enough to bring in my belongings.  I started with the space underneath the refrigerator, and the fridge itself, then the kitchen counter and some small shelves attached to the wall.  then I moved on to the windows which left a mess on the floor, and I didn't have the tools I needed to clean it, so I went to the 'Jumbo Mart' for a dust pan and broom, a 'magav' (floor squeegee with accompanying stick), 'smartut ritzpah' (floor rags), and a bucket, then looked up some how-to videos on proper 'sponga' technique.  hint:  there are several, and after sweeping, I simply filled the bucket with soapy water, got one of the rags wet, draped it over the magav, and mopped the floor with it, then used a dry one to wipe up any excess water.  it looked Amazing, so of course the landlord came over to remove the last two items of unwanted furniture from the place, and left a mess I assured him I was happy to clean. 

reluctant as I am to buy anything before my lift gets here, I didn't have any bowls, plates, utensils, kitchen towels, or pots and pans, and I know I didn't pack most of those things to send over, so I did have to spend a little money on a few items, and I needed to finish cleaning out the kitchen cabinets before putting them away.  then I scrubbed the meerpeset and both sides of the door, and the bathroom mirror.  I still want to get to some details like the switch plates, the front door, and the vent in the kitchen ceiling, but what I'm really avoiding is the bathroom.  I dug some grossness out from under the cabinet - an old razor, dirty toilet paper, some plastic that may have been package wrapping, who knows.  there was some dark brown 'spray' on the door frame that took some scrubbing to remove, but is gone now, and the walls are all tile so it feels like a big job, to say nothing of the floor, toilet, and shower.  again, it's small, so when I finally commit to spending the hour or so it will take to do the job, I'll wish I had done it sooner, but this whole process of moving overseas, and learning a language well enough to be employable is exhausting, so I need to rest, too. 

scrubbed clean, and ready for plants and other decoration!

 

it's a little weird to have spent 30-some-odd years curating a household just to leave the majority of it behind and start over from scratch, and I'm curious to learn which of the many things I packed will be useful, and which will end up being frivolous - my littlest cast iron pan?  my big soup pot?  all the matching hangers from my closet?  the small trunk of saved baby/child ephemera?  the framed art?  there's much less room here than I had in Vermont, so I'm a bit concerned that I sent too much, and will have to rid myself of even more than I thought I could - the process was pretty painful as it was, and I'm relatively less attached to acquiring and keeping items than most people I've met, though many of the things I did have were either inherited from family, or had been in my possession for decades.  I'm also missing my art supplies, and am looking forward to being able to get back to my projects.  sure, I could get new art supplies, but I'm not spending money on anything that isn't rent or food, so I'm pouring my creative energy into cleaning, thinking about how the things I sent will fit into the space I have, and...honestly, napping.  Hebrew school is on break this week for Passover, so I have more free time than usual, and I'd like to go submerge myself in the sea, if possible.  maybe even visit the cemetery where my parents are buried; a trip I've been wanting to make since the day I landed.

my next project - assuming I finish the cleaning list - is to rearrange my suitcases (again) into something that will work for what my needs are now, as opposed to what they were when I needed to keep moving until I found a place to land.  and seeing as how I just did the laundry, most of what's been washed is now piled up in one of the suitcases in disorder while the others are still packed neatly, yet ineffectually.  for instance:  I can unpack my shoes, now, so I don't have to wear the one pair of sneakers all the time, and put the first aid kit in the bathroom cabinet.  I also think all the towels need to be washed, along with the blanket I was smart enough to pack (otherwise I wouldn't have had anything to sleep under for the past few weeks).  doing the laundry turned out to be Very expensive - almost $32 for two washes and one dry - so I'm not looking forward to doing more.  we'll see...as I've been saying about just about everything, live and learn.  that's what I'm doing here.  living and learning.

 

 

Shabbat Shalo...zzzz.

I'm really tired this week.  my regular Friday routine of cleaning and cooking didn't happen because I could barely stay awake.  in fact, I hardly moved off the bed other than to go to the bathroom, or peek into the fridge looking for snacks.  I spent too much time on social media, and even though I made it a point to spend time playing with watercolors, it wasn't really keeping me engaged.  there are too many emails in my inbox, and too many papers for me to read and forms to fill out, along with studying and homework to do, and I'm feeling overwhelmed again.  while I'm still so grateful for a place to feel grounded for a minute, I feel it's going to come to an end without turning into a long term situation, and that I should already be on the hunt for my next place to land.  and I miss having people to talk to - not social media people, real people.  not that the folks on social media aren't 'real', they're just not engaged with me in my day to day life, and in most cases, I don't even know them to engage with them.  they're like 'stand-in friends' until I can make new ones in my local community, even though I know how hard that is at my age, and again, due to social media, for people of ANY age.  talking beats texting any and every day of the week for me.

one of the things that was nailing me to the bed was that I overate - something I do when I'm stressed, sad, or lonely, and I happen to be all three of those at the moment.  it's like I don't have an 'off' switch, and once I get going, I can't seem to stop.  I don't mean to eat an entire pint of ice cream, and yet somehow I find myself scraping out the last bits of the container anyway.  I don't mean to eat every last French fry on the plate, and even though I'm already full, I keep reaching for more.  now, I know that neither the ice cream nor the fries are going to solve any of the issues that are contributing to my stressed/sad/lonely, and are in fact more likely exacerbate them, but...I'm not eating because I'm hungry.  it sometimes surprises me how much I can eat and I wonder if 'normal' people can and do eat that much.  but it doesn't always feel good - it often doesn't feel good - and I have to wait until I've managed to digest most of it before I feel comfortable enough to rest properly, or go back to feeling like a human rather than a baby elephant.  

it's not like I don't have enough things to keep me occupied, it's more like the amount of things I need to be actively working on are so daunting that I'd rather drown myself in food than deal with any of them.  it's a temporary fix - a coping technique that only works in the moment to calm and soothe me, and then comes back around to bite me in the ass (in more ways than one) as soon as I've finished binging.  and I call it 'self-soothing' when it's more at 'self-harming', just like cutting, purging, and the use of hard drugs or alcohol.  when I was working with folks who struggled with their own addiction issues, they would say I didn't understand because I wasn't an addict.  and while that may be true in one sense, in another, I am in my way working through the same behaviors they were/are.  and it takes the same kind of strength and support to overcome and change those behaviors, one of the biggest being access to safe and permanent housing.

which brings me to another reason I wasn't feeling the motivation to clean this week - I didn't feel like using the little energy I had to spiff up a place I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in or not.  I cleaned out part of the refrigerator when I first got here because it was dirty beyond what I could feel comfortable putting my groceries in, and I also didn't want to step past any boundaries I didn't know about yet.  so I just use the clean spaces I made, and have left the rest the way I found it.  at this point, though, I've been here two weeks and have started to trash the food the tenant left in the fridge that has begun to rot, so I'll probably clean another section, soon.  the same goes for the bathroom - I'm the only one using it, so anything that needs cleaning in there is my mess - not there's anything resembling a mess in there other than the tenant's pile of stored crap in the corner.  if I get to stay, I'll be making better use of that space, for sure!

we are all of us between seasonal eclipses, just past the Spring Equinox and the change in season,  and in the grips of retrogrades and other astrological happenings, which can have an affect on me, too (probably most of us, but I know a lot of people don't 'believe' in astrology).  there's also still a war all around us in Israel, and the collective mourning for our hostages both alive and dead that we are longing to have returned to us.  things in the US are crazy as well, and while I don't live there anymore, a lot of people I care about do, and I'm sad and scared for them in ways I'm not worried about for myself.  it's been relatively easy for me to divorce myself from what's going on there because there's plenty to learn about what's going on over here past the headlines and news reports.  for instance - after the alert for a rocket attack the other morning, there were SO many angry comments on the municipality's facebook page about the public shelters being locked when parents who were in the park playing with their kids ran to them, only to find themselves stuck outside without protection.  they accused the mayor of closing them to save money, and that's not the sort of thing that is reported on the news channels I've been watching.  and it's good to know who my representatives are, because at some point, I'm probably going to be asked to vote on something, and I like to be informed about what I'm voting for/about.

I have the day off of ulpan (school) today, and I'm not feeling as awful as I was a few days ago when I started this post, so I'm going to try and catch up on at least a few of the things I've been avoiding.  we'll see how far I get, because I'm also prioritizing rest, as I'm still feeling ridiculously low on energy.  the nice lady who is letting me stay in her apartment finally decided it was time to tell the landlord that she was leaving, and that she found someone who not only wants to take over her contract, but wants to stay long term.  in response, he said he was going to raise the rent, but that he was willing to 'talk to me', which I hope means 'rent to me'.  I had a moment of remorse, because I was willing to take the apartment at the current rent, and when I looked online for apartments renting for what he's raising it to, I thought I might be able to get a better (bigger, nicer, better appointed) place.  but after chatting with a few (two) people, I decided that not only did I not have the energy to do another round of calling about and going to see more apartments, I kind of owe it to the woman who let me stay here with the understanding that I WAS willing to help her get out of her contract by letting her landlord know she had a tenant lined up for him.

so hopefully I'm going to be staying, hopefully for at least a year, and if I want something better at the end of my contract, than I'll probably be in a better position to figure out what and where that might be.  and if I can tick that one item off the to-do list, than it's possible I'll have more space to tackle the next most daunting thing on that list.  tasks like sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, and preparing/cooking food are just regular every day chores where I'm falling behind, and only take a few minutes to catch up on.  the bathroom may take a little longer, but also isn't much of a problem.  the paperwork is really the biggest challenge, and the fridge is pretty gross, but other than that, I really just need to spend more time studying and improving my language skills so I can get a decent job to keep the bills paid.  once my lift arrives, there will be new and exciting things to work out, so it really is best if I get the place in order now to minimize the stress I may feel then.

to work, then, my friends!  unless I need a snack and a nap first...

 

Making Aliyah

I feel incredibly blessed to have made Aliyah on my Zayde's and my 'shared' birthdays - my flight from the States was the day after my birthday, and I landed in Israel on my Zayde's birthday.  there are so many signs pointing to this being the right thing for me to be doing, even though it's been HARD.  harder than I thought?  I can't say...I don't know if I thought about how hard it may or not have been before I left, just that going was the right thing for me to do.  and even though it's been HARD, I'm still so grateful to be here in Israel, and have no intentions of doing anything but staying, and figuring out how to make it work the way I usually do, and looking back at these HARD times from a place of gratitude and plenty.

 

 

Having booked an Airbnb for a full month, thinking I would find a job and an apartment quickly, I spent most of that time running around between ministry offices, the bank, the Hebrew school, the bus station, the health service, and various mini-markets and grocery stores.  there was a minute when I thought I had found a place, on my last day in the Airbnb, but after stringing me along for a week while adding more and more conditions to my renting the place, the landlady finally refused me.  first she wanted a co-signer, then a co-signer in Israel, then a bank guarantee, then bank records from all my bank accounts both here and in the States...it just got to be too much, and at that point, I was a week past my check out date, so had to give my hostess whatever money I had, and leave.  if I had a job, the mean landlady might have rented to me, but so far, no luck there.  I may find that to be the case with all the landlords here, but I still have to try, right?

 

 

I am proud of myself for managing to figure out the buses (in this city, anyway!), which may not seem like a big thing, but I've been living in mostly rural areas for decades, which pretty much requires a car to get around.  I sold the car about a week or so before I left, and it was tough getting where I needed to go for that time, even with my son helping me out with rides, and lending me his car when he could.  the car was also sentimental to me, as it was my mother's car that she gave to us right around the time kid became a teenager, and the one he learned to drive in.  I also lived in it for about 5 months when we first moved to Vermont, and I was having trouble finding an apartment due to the insanity of the housing crisis happening there.  I think it's fair to say the car saved my life in that particular instance, as the late Summer turned to Autumn, and I still didn't have a place by the time the snow began to fly, and the temperatures plummeted.  but that's a different story, and you can read about it in another post.

the state-sponsored Hebrew school is no joke, with classes running 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 months, and I was up for it.  I'm good at school, and even though I could only write in print like a kindergarten kid and started a week behind the rest of the class, I caught right up no problem.  I mean, my script still looks like a child's handwriting, but that will obviously improve with practice.  the issue I had there was this one highly disruptive dude in my class who was making me nuts - I know, I know, I'm an adult and should be passed such judgements or letting a thing like that bother me, but he was just so...predatory that it was making me angry that no one seemed to care, and even indulged his behaviors.  so after I made several complaints about him, I just decided to switch classes.  the new class only meets two days a week, and three days a week every other week.  at first I was bothered by that, thinking I wasn't learning fast enough going full-time, but it's also better because now I have more time for the other things I need to be doing, too.  there's a part of me that tells me I should and can be doing more, and there's another part of me that's saying what I'm doing is A Lot, and it's ok to slow down and take it in smaller chunks.  it all leads to the same place eventually.

 

 

the health service has proven to be a real challenge for me, and it took several visits to not really get anything that I needed done there.  well, that's not entirely true - my cousin did help me set up a follow-up appointment with the doctor after I couldn't make it to the one I had, and failed to navigate the phone menu in order to reschedule it, as well as scheduled an appointment with the dental hygienist after I had made one with the dentist who wasn't who I needed to see (things work a bit differently here).  the doctor's recommendations in response to the results of my bloodwork (and other tests) were somewhat disturbing, with the doctor not only insisting I double my dose of diabetes medication, but that I begin to take insulin as well, along with ordering an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys, a retinopathy, seeing an endocrinologist, a dietician, and throwing in a mammogram to boot.  it was all too much for me, so I did none of that...well, I did double the dose of the diabetes meds I already have, just because it seemed easy enough, though it has been rough on my stomach, which is already having a hard time adjusting to the poor diet I've had since arriving.  then the dental hygienist wouldn't clean my teeth because I'm diabetic, and she needed a note from the doctor, so I walked out of there, too.  maybe I'll get back to it when I'm better adjusted, but I'm struggling to get by at the moment, so I can't handle the additional stress right now.

my diet has been terrible since I've been here, and at this point, I'm subsisting mainly on cottage cheese, hummus, and crackers, with an occasional slice of pizza or falafel thrown in when I can afford it.  the kitchen at the Airbnb was outside, which isn't the worst thing in the world, even when it's windy, rainy, and cold, which it has been often enough to make it problematic for me.  it was also shared with the other guests in the house, so I couldn't always cook when I had the time to, and I didn't necessarily want to eat outdoors, either, especially when the weather was bad.  I wasn't able to plan meals that well until I found a decent grocery store, and even then, by the time I had figured out a routine for myself, my time there was up.  sad to say, I've ended up at McDonald's twice so far just for the simple pleasure of eating indoors on a cold, rainy day.  most of the pizza and falafel places have outdoor seating here, and even the slightly more upscale Italian place my cousin took me to did as well, though it was enclosed with glass so at least the customers were somewhat protected from the elements.  when I left the Airbnb for lack of funds, I ended up at the 'guest house' I'm currently writing from (for one more night) that only has a shared microwave and electric hot plate, both of which gave me large shocks when I touched them, so now I'm afraid of them both.  and the hot plate seems to come and go, as in sometimes it's there, and sometimes it's not, so even if I were brave enough to try and touch it again, I can't count on it being there when and if I want it, anyway.  but in doing my best to adjust to my surrounding, I tried to buy some microwave meals and didn't find any, though I did buy some frozen 'nuggets' - which turned out not to be chicken, but whatever 'plant based' ingredients they were composed of, and who cares, I ate them anyway - and some microwave popcorn.  ridiculous.  

 

if I could read Hebrew better, it would probably have been obvious that these weren't made with actual chicken, though when you're hungry, it hardly matters.

 

on top of that, I'm incredibly dehydrated, and my skin looks like crap.  I know it seems like self-centered whining, especially when there are currently still hostages being held, tortured, and starved by the enemies of my people, and it is.  but how am I helping them by not taking care of myself?  we 'can't pour from an empty cup', and when I feel like crap I'm no good to anyone including me.  four days ago, when I left the Airbnb, I called a bunch of contacts and organizations to tell them I only had enough money to book myself into the cheapest place I could find, and they offered to help me out by paying for a few more days, which means I'm out of here tomorrow morning.  I have no idea where I'm going yet, but I did meet with some social service type people, and when they asked me what I did for work in the US, I told them I did their jobs - working with homeless people, and the various issues that usually accompany that condition.  we'll see how far it gets me in terms of securing a paying job, and a paying job will definitely help with renting an apartment.  and an apartment would give me the ability to radically increase my water intake, and cook myself some healthy and hearty meals, which would in turn help to regulate my digestive issues.  one step at a time.

while I've been here at the 'guest house', I did manage to do the laundry that had piled up at the Airbnb, so at least the clothes in my suitcases are clean and neatly repacked, and I also got a (cold) shower this morning, which helped fix my head a bit.  also, the Airbnb was freezing cold, and the room I'm currently in has a heater, so I've been warm for the first time since I got here without having a hot flash.  I spoke with two people this morning who may have employment for me - one at the welfare department who had a decent suggestion and will get back to me after consulting with her supervisor, and another who has 6 hours a week for me at minimum wage helping someone out after their surgery.  it's not much, but it's something.  I also have a zoom meeting this afternoon with some folks from the organization that helped me get here, so hopefully they'll have some further helpful ideas, including where to stay tomorrow, and into the future.

 

 

when I get so down in the dumps like this, I tend to disconnect from the world - wanting to be alone, not talk to anyone, and wallow in the depression.  so I deactivated my Facebook account because most of the 'real' people I knew deleted me on or around October 7th, because how dare Israelis fight back when we're attacked by murderous terrorists, or during the following year and half (3000 years) of my shouting into the void about it with the only result being more disconnections.  it really kills you inside to face so much hatred, and seeing nothing but that hatred reflected back to me by the Jews/Israelis/Zionists I am connected to on social media is almost as bad as the hate we face from the rest of the world.  it's still beautiful, here.  there are still gorgeous things to see and appreciate every day.  there are plenty of positive interactions I have on the street every day, and I'm still So Glad I made the decision to come, even when it's hard.  I'll be ok eventually.  I always am.  and I'll figure out how to be of use here, because that's what I do.  I believe I'm on the right path, in the right place, at the right time.  I miss my son like crazy, and I continue to pray to my 'network' for his divine protection because that's the most important thing in the world to me - that he succeeds in walking his own path, and that I get to take some small part in it.  other than that, I'm here for my people, forever, in whatever ways they'll have me.  may I find that way soon.

💙