Shabbat New Moon in Virgo Shalom

what do I even have to say anymore?  that I can't stand most people?  I think it's pretty apparent if you know me at all, or read this blog, though I'm not sure I've addressed it here.  so let's address it now!

1.  I'm tired of people who don't work, don't try to work, or contribute to their community in any way.  when I was raising my child as a single parent, I definitely needed help making ends meet, so I had to rely on social services (and child support payments) to keep a roof over our heads, and food on our table.  that said, I still worked, tried to work, and/or contributed to my community in various ways.  I didn't have family to rely on, though while my mom was still alive I could usually count on her to put a $50 bill in my annual birthday card, which I usually spent on myself because it was the only boost I would get for the year, and if we can't take care of ourselves, even if only in some tiny way, we can't take care of others.

2.  I'm done in with all the various 'diagnoses' and mental health challenges that people claim are preventing them from working, trying to work, or contributing to their communities in any way.  there are plenty of 'neurodivergent' folks out there who are making a living doing one thing or another without making their issues their whole personality.  I firmly believe that I exist somewhere on that 'spectrum' as well, but I've never been tested/poked/prodded to find out where, and at closer-to-60-than-50 at this point, I really don't care.  I manage to get along as best as I can, and that's good enough for me.  do I find it frustrating at times to not really seem to be able to 'get ahead' in this world for one reason or another?  you bet your bippy - but I've also learned that having a label to attach to my issues doesn't really offer any benefits that matter, or further my goals, so why bother?

3.  I don't care for people who use alcohol as their main source of 'fun' or release.  there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine/beer/liquor or two (or even three), but if it's all night every night - or worse, during the day - I think it's a problem for you, which makes it a problem for me.  by all means, drink your meals, boo boo - just don't expect me to join in, hang out, or want to be around you at all when you do, and probably not when you don't, either.  I have been a chronic pot smoker for much of my adult life with the exception of the times I couldn't afford to buy any (like now), and I don't feel the same way about people who indulge in that habit as I do about people who drink.  prejudice?  maybe.  but there's a certain kind of overindulgent pot smoker that I don't like, either.  again, if it's your whole personality rather than just one aspect of who you are, it gets a bit...much.  but like with alcohol, if you can indulge responsibly, we're probably good.

4.  I CANNOT STAND liars!  I don't appreciate being lied to, for any reason.  I would much prefer to hear a hard truth than to catch someone out in telling me something they think I want to hear.  and I will find out the truth, one way or another.  history has shown me that I can easily find out on my own if I dig just a little bit, or simply wait it out for the Universe to reveal, eventually the lie will be brought to the light, and I will distance myself from the source of that dishonesty.  

5.  I like people who are smarter and more well-adjusted than I am, though they don't usually care for the uncompromising mess that is me.  I can play along for awhile, but not for long, and eventually they will get bored of my issues, just like I'm bored of the issues of the people I no longer have patience for, so it all evens out in the end.  I used to know this guy who said the standards I hold people to are so ridiculously high, that no one can expect to tick all the boxes, and I should just get used to being alone and/or lonely.  I said that was fine, and it mostly is, because I do enjoy solitude/my own company, though it would be nice to be able to make friends a bit more easily, and keep them longer.  but the reason my standards are so high is because I'm tired of being hurt by people who lie, cheat, choose a party lifestyle over one of substance, live inside their own personal issues, or live off of others without making any attempt to contribute to their community.  

having recently moved to another country, I've been a bit fed up with only having the opportunity to interact with other recent immigrants with the exception of the folks who work in the stores I shop at, drive the buses I ride, or run the agencies I've been to in order to find work.  there are those who say I need to go to synagogue on Shabbat to meet people, but the synagogue most of the people I've met attend is for 'Anglos' who are inherently more religious than I am, and are probably not 'my people' anyway.  but you have to start somewhere, right?  the High Holidays are coming up, and while I don't think I'll be able to attend services ($$$), it might be nice to find myself invited to someone's Shabbat table sometime.  so, I keep 'meaning' to go to temple of a Saturday, but have yet to get there.  it's hard to make myself walk somewhere I don't really care to go during the the hottest part of one the days I get to enjoy the solitude of my apartment in the relative quiet and calm of an otherwise busy and loud corner of my city.

what brought this bitch on is the folks I find myself connected to on social media.  used to be, my fakebook feed was populated by people I knew and hung out with on a regular basis, or met during my travels.  or at least folks I was acquainted with through shared interests or academic connections.  but due to the rising antisemitism in the world, or perhaps the antisemitism that's always been lingering just beneath the surface of all my relationships, that online circle got much, much, smaller very quickly after October 7th, 2023.  so I tried to repopulate my feed with 'connections'...people who seemed cool in my other friends feeds, folks who left comments that made me laugh, or in some cases, people who reshared my posts without even knowing who I was.  problem with that is, we don't really have anything in common other than our Jewishness, and a shared love for Israel.  not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I seem to have ended up with a feed full of people whining about their disabilities, and where they are in their transitions, and I'm kind of over it.  uh oh...did I say that out loud?  well, I'm sorry, but it's true.  I am honest to god missing cis/het people in my life who have jobs that they go to on a regular basis, and simply vent about their issues and move on, not make it their whole story all the damn time.

there are people I've been connected to on there for years that have played the part of being my friend, with no actual commitment to the role, or follow-through on their part.  I did recently meet up with a few folks I met on there, and it was lovely - those folks I have no issue with.  there's one person who did invite me around, and I believe they meant it.  but then I had (yet another) bad day that I bitched about, and this one particular person sent me a message in an attempt to connect, which was kind of them, but they were someone I had been considering disconnecting from because their posts were not anything I found interesting, and didn't necessarily want to be confronted with constantly in my feed.  dude wants to be female?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  chick wants to be a man?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  I'm willing to accept people for who they are, whoever they tell me that is, but enough already.  at this point I'd prefer to connect with cis/het people like myself, and not have to hear about every damn flavor of human out there.  just be who you are, boo, and stop shoving it down my throat.  I mean, I'm not out here posting about being cis/het every damn day of my life - it's just not all that important.  

and I don't want to hear about how your anxiety is preventing you from getting a damn job, and forces you to live off of your generous family members.  pull up your panties and do something other than be a parasite.  if I can do it, so can lots of other people who are leaning too hard into their 'disabilities'.  or that you did sex work that you hated to earn a living once upon a time.  guess what?  I didn't like working at the video store, or the overnight shift at the 24 hour store, or as a janitor, but I Had To Pay My Rent, so I did the damn thing until I found something better, and it wasn't a husband/wife that paid all my bills for me so I could sit around and write poetry about the angle of the light hitting my designer furniture.  where's the accountability?  there are people in the homeless shelters I worked in trying harder than that, with less education and opportunity, and doing ok for themselves.  I knew a woman who had her hand chopped off and sewed back on who worked her ass off at every opportunity to keep herself off the streets.  respect, girlfriend.  it was tough out there for her.  it was tough out there for me too, with both my hands, and I've been out there enough to know I don't want to be out there again.  I guess some people haven't had to live on the streets for long enough to learn that lesson...or at all.  lucky them.

this isn't a rant about ALL disabled people, or gay or trans people, or single parents, or what have you.  it's about people who I've interacted with enough to know that I don't have an awful lot of respect for the ways they appear to be living in the world, and that's my prerogative.  I don't have to like everyone, I don't even have to like every Jewish person, or even every Israeli, but I do have to like myself, and in order to do that, I have to be honest about who I want to connect with, and how.  if you don't want to be my friend after reading this, then so be it.  is it my loss?  maybe.  depends on who doesn't want to be friends anymore after reading it.  there are plenty of gay people I love and respect.  there are plenty of folks with disabilities that I admire - some I've even worked with.  I'll bet there are trans people out there that I could get along with, too.  some cis/het people suck (lots of them do).  I'm just in a place where I need more women who understand the particular issues of having been women our whole lives.  or men who are feminists while still being manly men who aren't misogynist pieces of garbage.  folks who know what an endocrine disruptor is, and did their best to avoid them, along with other environmental dangers.

it is part of my soul's purpose here to make sure each and every one of us on this planet together is cared for, and gets everything they need, to the extent of my abilities, and I'm aware that in this 'window' of setting intentions, it is important to choose my focus wisely.  as we enter the 'wormhole' of eclipse season, we should expect chaos and transformation - and the ability to get back up from whatever happens to knock us down.  so maybe this is just my way of clearing the decks so I can tap into the hope and optimism I want so badly to connect with in the world that is also on offer just now.  while we may be headed into a complex maze of rising emotions, we are also being given an opportunity for healing, integration, and repair.  an astrologer whose work I admire speaks of planting seeds with faith, which is something I love to do, and do often.  the one picture I'm sharing in this post is of my latest sprouts, which are from a seed pod I picked up off the sidewalk, and planted, with only the vaguest idea of what they are (I think they're the seeds of the trees that made the gorgeous flowers whose petals would stop me in my tracks with a desire to paint their likeness, even though I'm not a painter).  alpha and omega, my friends.  selah ~

 

not a great picture - there appear to be seven little sprouts poking their heads through the soil, and I wish them the best of luck.  I will replant them as soon as I have more containers for them.

💙

Home...ish

have you ever gotten to that point while looking for a place to rent that you think "I'm just going to take the next apartment that's even remotely doable"?  well, I did.  after too many text messages back and forth between the landlord, the lady I was subletting from, my 'trusted local resource person', and me, I finally consulted with one of the 'Anglo' facebook groups focused on making smart financial decisions here in Israel about the landlord's ongoing and escalating requests for me to rent the place, and the general consensus was RUN - don't walk - away from that deal.  so I went back online, looked up some more apartments, and went to see them.  eventually I decided that all the apartments in my price range were pretty much the same, and that I just needed to pick one, and get on with it.  I've moved around so much in my life, the truth is, I can make ANY place work for me.  even the place with the bathroom that was so small the door wouldn't even open all the way because it hit the toilet, and I had to squeeze between that opening and the sink to stuff myself into the shower space that I couldn't imagine how I'd be able to get myself clean in because I wouldn't be able to move.  the realtor assured me we could have the property manager change the door out for an 'accordion door', and take the glass shower walls out and put in a curtain, which I was almost willing to do, given that the apartment was in the same building I had been staying in, though it was right next door to the barky dog I heard daily, who made me wonder how people kept pets the size he sounded to be in such small spaces.  

then there was the place that wasn't bad size-wise, but the current tenants had a rabbit and the place Stank.  when I opened the kitchen cabinet, there were jukim (Israeli cockroaches), and even the convenience of an elevator wasn't enough to sell me on the amount of cleaning I would need to do to in order to make it livable for me.  there was a decent place in the center of town that was even smaller than the place with the tiny bathroom, and while there happened to be a flood of water flowing down the stairs from the second floor when I went to see it, it wasn't that much of a problem for me...I just didn't know how any of the things from my lift would fit in it.  so, gladly, there was the place with the meerpeset.  now, I Love a good porch, and I realize I didn't share anything in this blog about the fabulous porch I had in Vermont, but it was my happy place during the months when it wasn't buried in snow, and I even went out there when it was, just to stand outside, even though there were only two feet or so or space where it was clear.  the place with the meerpeset is also small, and the price of rent kept fluctuating depending on which of the people involved in my renting it I was talking to, but long story short, I rented it anyway, mostly because I was tired of looking (and the meerpeset!).

 

Vermont porch, winter and summer

 

I 'moved in' on the day the bed I bought was being delivered, which just means I brought my suitcases and foodstuff over from the sublet.  my first order of business when I move in Anywhere is to CLEAN.  I'm a neat freak (thanks Dad), so most spaces don't generally measure up to my standard, and need to be scrubbed before I can even feel comfortable enough to bring in my belongings.  I started with the space underneath the refrigerator, and the fridge itself, then the kitchen counter and some small shelves attached to the wall.  then I moved on to the windows which left a mess on the floor, and I didn't have the tools I needed to clean it, so I went to the 'Jumbo Mart' for a dust pan and broom, a 'magav' (floor squeegee with accompanying stick), 'smartut ritzpah' (floor rags), and a bucket, then looked up some how-to videos on proper 'sponga' technique.  hint:  there are several, and after sweeping, I simply filled the bucket with soapy water, got one of the rags wet, draped it over the magav, and mopped the floor with it, then used a dry one to wipe up any excess water.  it looked Amazing, so of course the landlord came over to remove the last two items of unwanted furniture from the place, and left a mess I assured him I was happy to clean. 

reluctant as I am to buy anything before my lift gets here, I didn't have any bowls, plates, utensils, kitchen towels, or pots and pans, and I know I didn't pack most of those things to send over, so I did have to spend a little money on a few items, and I needed to finish cleaning out the kitchen cabinets before putting them away.  then I scrubbed the meerpeset and both sides of the door, and the bathroom mirror.  I still want to get to some details like the switch plates, the front door, and the vent in the kitchen ceiling, but what I'm really avoiding is the bathroom.  I dug some grossness out from under the cabinet - an old razor, dirty toilet paper, some plastic that may have been package wrapping, who knows.  there was some dark brown 'spray' on the door frame that took some scrubbing to remove, but is gone now, and the walls are all tile so it feels like a big job, to say nothing of the floor, toilet, and shower.  again, it's small, so when I finally commit to spending the hour or so it will take to do the job, I'll wish I had done it sooner, but this whole process of moving overseas, and learning a language well enough to be employable is exhausting, so I need to rest, too. 

scrubbed clean, and ready for plants and other decoration!

 

it's a little weird to have spent 30-some-odd years curating a household just to leave the majority of it behind and start over from scratch, and I'm curious to learn which of the many things I packed will be useful, and which will end up being frivolous - my littlest cast iron pan?  my big soup pot?  all the matching hangers from my closet?  the small trunk of saved baby/child ephemera?  the framed art?  there's much less room here than I had in Vermont, so I'm a bit concerned that I sent too much, and will have to rid myself of even more than I thought I could - the process was pretty painful as it was, and I'm relatively less attached to acquiring and keeping items than most people I've met, though many of the things I did have were either inherited from family, or had been in my possession for decades.  I'm also missing my art supplies, and am looking forward to being able to get back to my projects.  sure, I could get new art supplies, but I'm not spending money on anything that isn't rent or food, so I'm pouring my creative energy into cleaning, thinking about how the things I sent will fit into the space I have, and...honestly, napping.  Hebrew school is on break this week for Passover, so I have more free time than usual, and I'd like to go submerge myself in the sea, if possible.  maybe even visit the cemetery where my parents are buried; a trip I've been wanting to make since the day I landed.

my next project - assuming I finish the cleaning list - is to rearrange my suitcases (again) into something that will work for what my needs are now, as opposed to what they were when I needed to keep moving until I found a place to land.  and seeing as how I just did the laundry, most of what's been washed is now piled up in one of the suitcases in disorder while the others are still packed neatly, yet ineffectually.  for instance:  I can unpack my shoes, now, so I don't have to wear the one pair of sneakers all the time, and put the first aid kit in the bathroom cabinet.  I also think all the towels need to be washed, along with the blanket I was smart enough to pack (otherwise I wouldn't have had anything to sleep under for the past few weeks).  doing the laundry turned out to be Very expensive - almost $32 for two washes and one dry - so I'm not looking forward to doing more.  we'll see...as I've been saying about just about everything, live and learn.  that's what I'm doing here.  living and learning.

 

 

Shabbat Shalo...zzzz.

I'm really tired this week.  my regular Friday routine of cleaning and cooking didn't happen because I could barely stay awake.  in fact, I hardly moved off the bed other than to go to the bathroom, or peek into the fridge looking for snacks.  I spent too much time on social media, and even though I made it a point to spend time playing with watercolors, it wasn't really keeping me engaged.  there are too many emails in my inbox, and too many papers for me to read and forms to fill out, along with studying and homework to do, and I'm feeling overwhelmed again.  while I'm still so grateful for a place to feel grounded for a minute, I feel it's going to come to an end without turning into a long term situation, and that I should already be on the hunt for my next place to land.  and I miss having people to talk to - not social media people, real people.  not that the folks on social media aren't 'real', they're just not engaged with me in my day to day life, and in most cases, I don't even know them to engage with them.  they're like 'stand-in friends' until I can make new ones in my local community, even though I know how hard that is at my age, and again, due to social media, for people of ANY age.  talking beats texting any and every day of the week for me.

one of the things that was nailing me to the bed was that I overate - something I do when I'm stressed, sad, or lonely, and I happen to be all three of those at the moment.  it's like I don't have an 'off' switch, and once I get going, I can't seem to stop.  I don't mean to eat an entire pint of ice cream, and yet somehow I find myself scraping out the last bits of the container anyway.  I don't mean to eat every last French fry on the plate, and even though I'm already full, I keep reaching for more.  now, I know that neither the ice cream nor the fries are going to solve any of the issues that are contributing to my stressed/sad/lonely, and are in fact more likely exacerbate them, but...I'm not eating because I'm hungry.  it sometimes surprises me how much I can eat and I wonder if 'normal' people can and do eat that much.  but it doesn't always feel good - it often doesn't feel good - and I have to wait until I've managed to digest most of it before I feel comfortable enough to rest properly, or go back to feeling like a human rather than a baby elephant.  

it's not like I don't have enough things to keep me occupied, it's more like the amount of things I need to be actively working on are so daunting that I'd rather drown myself in food than deal with any of them.  it's a temporary fix - a coping technique that only works in the moment to calm and soothe me, and then comes back around to bite me in the ass (in more ways than one) as soon as I've finished binging.  and I call it 'self-soothing' when it's more at 'self-harming', just like cutting, purging, and the use of hard drugs or alcohol.  when I was working with folks who struggled with their own addiction issues, they would say I didn't understand because I wasn't an addict.  and while that may be true in one sense, in another, I am in my way working through the same behaviors they were/are.  and it takes the same kind of strength and support to overcome and change those behaviors, one of the biggest being access to safe and permanent housing.

which brings me to another reason I wasn't feeling the motivation to clean this week - I didn't feel like using the little energy I had to spiff up a place I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in or not.  I cleaned out part of the refrigerator when I first got here because it was dirty beyond what I could feel comfortable putting my groceries in, and I also didn't want to step past any boundaries I didn't know about yet.  so I just use the clean spaces I made, and have left the rest the way I found it.  at this point, though, I've been here two weeks and have started to trash the food the tenant left in the fridge that has begun to rot, so I'll probably clean another section, soon.  the same goes for the bathroom - I'm the only one using it, so anything that needs cleaning in there is my mess - not there's anything resembling a mess in there other than the tenant's pile of stored crap in the corner.  if I get to stay, I'll be making better use of that space, for sure!

we are all of us between seasonal eclipses, just past the Spring Equinox and the change in season,  and in the grips of retrogrades and other astrological happenings, which can have an affect on me, too (probably most of us, but I know a lot of people don't 'believe' in astrology).  there's also still a war all around us in Israel, and the collective mourning for our hostages both alive and dead that we are longing to have returned to us.  things in the US are crazy as well, and while I don't live there anymore, a lot of people I care about do, and I'm sad and scared for them in ways I'm not worried about for myself.  it's been relatively easy for me to divorce myself from what's going on there because there's plenty to learn about what's going on over here past the headlines and news reports.  for instance - after the alert for a rocket attack the other morning, there were SO many angry comments on the municipality's facebook page about the public shelters being locked when parents who were in the park playing with their kids ran to them, only to find themselves stuck outside without protection.  they accused the mayor of closing them to save money, and that's not the sort of thing that is reported on the news channels I've been watching.  and it's good to know who my representatives are, because at some point, I'm probably going to be asked to vote on something, and I like to be informed about what I'm voting for/about.

I have the day off of ulpan (school) today, and I'm not feeling as awful as I was a few days ago when I started this post, so I'm going to try and catch up on at least a few of the things I've been avoiding.  we'll see how far I get, because I'm also prioritizing rest, as I'm still feeling ridiculously low on energy.  the nice lady who is letting me stay in her apartment finally decided it was time to tell the landlord that she was leaving, and that she found someone who not only wants to take over her contract, but wants to stay long term.  in response, he said he was going to raise the rent, but that he was willing to 'talk to me', which I hope means 'rent to me'.  I had a moment of remorse, because I was willing to take the apartment at the current rent, and when I looked online for apartments renting for what he's raising it to, I thought I might be able to get a better (bigger, nicer, better appointed) place.  but after chatting with a few (two) people, I decided that not only did I not have the energy to do another round of calling about and going to see more apartments, I kind of owe it to the woman who let me stay here with the understanding that I WAS willing to help her get out of her contract by letting her landlord know she had a tenant lined up for him.

so hopefully I'm going to be staying, hopefully for at least a year, and if I want something better at the end of my contract, than I'll probably be in a better position to figure out what and where that might be.  and if I can tick that one item off the to-do list, than it's possible I'll have more space to tackle the next most daunting thing on that list.  tasks like sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, and preparing/cooking food are just regular every day chores where I'm falling behind, and only take a few minutes to catch up on.  the bathroom may take a little longer, but also isn't much of a problem.  the paperwork is really the biggest challenge, and the fridge is pretty gross, but other than that, I really just need to spend more time studying and improving my language skills so I can get a decent job to keep the bills paid.  once my lift arrives, there will be new and exciting things to work out, so it really is best if I get the place in order now to minimize the stress I may feel then.

to work, then, my friends!  unless I need a snack and a nap first...

 

Making Aliyah

I feel incredibly blessed to have made Aliyah on my Zayde's and my 'shared' birthdays - my flight from the States was the day after my birthday, and I landed in Israel on my Zayde's birthday.  there are so many signs pointing to this being the right thing for me to be doing, even though it's been HARD.  harder than I thought?  I can't say...I don't know if I thought about how hard it may or not have been before I left, just that going was the right thing for me to do.  and even though it's been HARD, I'm still so grateful to be here in Israel, and have no intentions of doing anything but staying, and figuring out how to make it work the way I usually do, and looking back at these HARD times from a place of gratitude and plenty.

 

 

Having booked an Airbnb for a full month, thinking I would find a job and an apartment quickly, I spent most of that time running around between ministry offices, the bank, the Hebrew school, the bus station, the health service, and various mini-markets and grocery stores.  there was a minute when I thought I had found a place, on my last day in the Airbnb, but after stringing me along for a week while adding more and more conditions to my renting the place, the landlady finally refused me.  first she wanted a co-signer, then a co-signer in Israel, then a bank guarantee, then bank records from all my bank accounts both here and in the States...it just got to be too much, and at that point, I was a week past my check out date, so had to give my hostess whatever money I had, and leave.  if I had a job, the mean landlady might have rented to me, but so far, no luck there.  I may find that to be the case with all the landlords here, but I still have to try, right?

 

 

I am proud of myself for managing to figure out the buses (in this city, anyway!), which may not seem like a big thing, but I've been living in mostly rural areas for decades, which pretty much requires a car to get around.  I sold the car about a week or so before I left, and it was tough getting where I needed to go for that time, even with my son helping me out with rides, and lending me his car when he could.  the car was also sentimental to me, as it was my mother's car that she gave to us right around the time kid became a teenager, and the one he learned to drive in.  I also lived in it for about 5 months when we first moved to Vermont, and I was having trouble finding an apartment due to the insanity of the housing crisis happening there.  I think it's fair to say the car saved my life in that particular instance, as the late Summer turned to Autumn, and I still didn't have a place by the time the snow began to fly, and the temperatures plummeted.  but that's a different story, and you can read about it in another post.

the state-sponsored Hebrew school is no joke, with classes running 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 months, and I was up for it.  I'm good at school, and even though I could only write in print like a kindergarten kid and started a week behind the rest of the class, I caught right up no problem.  I mean, my script still looks like a child's handwriting, but that will obviously improve with practice.  the issue I had there was this one highly disruptive dude in my class who was making me nuts - I know, I know, I'm an adult and should be passed such judgements or letting a thing like that bother me, but he was just so...predatory that it was making me angry that no one seemed to care, and even indulged his behaviors.  so after I made several complaints about him, I just decided to switch classes.  the new class only meets two days a week, and three days a week every other week.  at first I was bothered by that, thinking I wasn't learning fast enough going full-time, but it's also better because now I have more time for the other things I need to be doing, too.  there's a part of me that tells me I should and can be doing more, and there's another part of me that's saying what I'm doing is A Lot, and it's ok to slow down and take it in smaller chunks.  it all leads to the same place eventually.

 

 

the health service has proven to be a real challenge for me, and it took several visits to not really get anything that I needed done there.  well, that's not entirely true - my cousin did help me set up a follow-up appointment with the doctor after I couldn't make it to the one I had, and failed to navigate the phone menu in order to reschedule it, as well as scheduled an appointment with the dental hygienist after I had made one with the dentist who wasn't who I needed to see (things work a bit differently here).  the doctor's recommendations in response to the results of my bloodwork (and other tests) were somewhat disturbing, with the doctor not only insisting I double my dose of diabetes medication, but that I begin to take insulin as well, along with ordering an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys, a retinopathy, seeing an endocrinologist, a dietician, and throwing in a mammogram to boot.  it was all too much for me, so I did none of that...well, I did double the dose of the diabetes meds I already have, just because it seemed easy enough, though it has been rough on my stomach, which is already having a hard time adjusting to the poor diet I've had since arriving.  then the dental hygienist wouldn't clean my teeth because I'm diabetic, and she needed a note from the doctor, so I walked out of there, too.  maybe I'll get back to it when I'm better adjusted, but I'm struggling to get by at the moment, so I can't handle the additional stress right now.

my diet has been terrible since I've been here, and at this point, I'm subsisting mainly on cottage cheese, hummus, and crackers, with an occasional slice of pizza or falafel thrown in when I can afford it.  the kitchen at the Airbnb was outside, which isn't the worst thing in the world, even when it's windy, rainy, and cold, which it has been often enough to make it problematic for me.  it was also shared with the other guests in the house, so I couldn't always cook when I had the time to, and I didn't necessarily want to eat outdoors, either, especially when the weather was bad.  I wasn't able to plan meals that well until I found a decent grocery store, and even then, by the time I had figured out a routine for myself, my time there was up.  sad to say, I've ended up at McDonald's twice so far just for the simple pleasure of eating indoors on a cold, rainy day.  most of the pizza and falafel places have outdoor seating here, and even the slightly more upscale Italian place my cousin took me to did as well, though it was enclosed with glass so at least the customers were somewhat protected from the elements.  when I left the Airbnb for lack of funds, I ended up at the 'guest house' I'm currently writing from (for one more night) that only has a shared microwave and electric hot plate, both of which gave me large shocks when I touched them, so now I'm afraid of them both.  and the hot plate seems to come and go, as in sometimes it's there, and sometimes it's not, so even if I were brave enough to try and touch it again, I can't count on it being there when and if I want it, anyway.  but in doing my best to adjust to my surrounding, I tried to buy some microwave meals and didn't find any, though I did buy some frozen 'nuggets' - which turned out not to be chicken, but whatever 'plant based' ingredients they were composed of, and who cares, I ate them anyway - and some microwave popcorn.  ridiculous.  

 

if I could read Hebrew better, it would probably have been obvious that these weren't made with actual chicken, though when you're hungry, it hardly matters.

 

on top of that, I'm incredibly dehydrated, and my skin looks like crap.  I know it seems like self-centered whining, especially when there are currently still hostages being held, tortured, and starved by the enemies of my people, and it is.  but how am I helping them by not taking care of myself?  we 'can't pour from an empty cup', and when I feel like crap I'm no good to anyone including me.  four days ago, when I left the Airbnb, I called a bunch of contacts and organizations to tell them I only had enough money to book myself into the cheapest place I could find, and they offered to help me out by paying for a few more days, which means I'm out of here tomorrow morning.  I have no idea where I'm going yet, but I did meet with some social service type people, and when they asked me what I did for work in the US, I told them I did their jobs - working with homeless people, and the various issues that usually accompany that condition.  we'll see how far it gets me in terms of securing a paying job, and a paying job will definitely help with renting an apartment.  and an apartment would give me the ability to radically increase my water intake, and cook myself some healthy and hearty meals, which would in turn help to regulate my digestive issues.  one step at a time.

while I've been here at the 'guest house', I did manage to do the laundry that had piled up at the Airbnb, so at least the clothes in my suitcases are clean and neatly repacked, and I also got a (cold) shower this morning, which helped fix my head a bit.  also, the Airbnb was freezing cold, and the room I'm currently in has a heater, so I've been warm for the first time since I got here without having a hot flash.  I spoke with two people this morning who may have employment for me - one at the welfare department who had a decent suggestion and will get back to me after consulting with her supervisor, and another who has 6 hours a week for me at minimum wage helping someone out after their surgery.  it's not much, but it's something.  I also have a zoom meeting this afternoon with some folks from the organization that helped me get here, so hopefully they'll have some further helpful ideas, including where to stay tomorrow, and into the future.

 

 

when I get so down in the dumps like this, I tend to disconnect from the world - wanting to be alone, not talk to anyone, and wallow in the depression.  so I deactivated my Facebook account because most of the 'real' people I knew deleted me on or around October 7th, because how dare Israelis fight back when we're attacked by murderous terrorists, or during the following year and half (3000 years) of my shouting into the void about it with the only result being more disconnections.  it really kills you inside to face so much hatred, and seeing nothing but that hatred reflected back to me by the Jews/Israelis/Zionists I am connected to on social media is almost as bad as the hate we face from the rest of the world.  it's still beautiful, here.  there are still gorgeous things to see and appreciate every day.  there are plenty of positive interactions I have on the street every day, and I'm still So Glad I made the decision to come, even when it's hard.  I'll be ok eventually.  I always am.  and I'll figure out how to be of use here, because that's what I do.  I believe I'm on the right path, in the right place, at the right time.  I miss my son like crazy, and I continue to pray to my 'network' for his divine protection because that's the most important thing in the world to me - that he succeeds in walking his own path, and that I get to take some small part in it.  other than that, I'm here for my people, forever, in whatever ways they'll have me.  may I find that way soon.

💙

Shabbat Shalom Tarot Reading for Myself!

I had to make the text bigger so I could see it better, ha!

it's been an interesting week, but not really...I just got some news yesterday that was both unexpected and highly disappointing on a number of levels, but we're not going to talk about that now.  today, instead of a community reading, I'm going to be reading for myself so you can see how I work, and then get in touch with me to book a reading for yourself!  sound good?  let's go!

first of all, why do I want a reading?  what's my question?  what burning issue do I want further insight to so I can move more resolutely along my path?  where am I seeking more clarity?  

well...for starters, I'm curious about the timeline for my voyage overseas.  I had originally planned to go in the Spring, but I'd just as soon go now.  why wait?  the sooner I can get this next chapter started, the happier I'll be, really.  part of me wants to honor the wisdom of the plan, and another part of me doesn't want to delay another minute.  and then wrapped up in that 'desperately wanting to get out of here' is the fear and worry about leaving my only offspring behind.  in my heart, I know he'll be fine - that he'll face challenges, that he'll miss me when he needs me, and his fears about my safety all make it painful for me to leave, but he needs the space and isn't yet sure about his future, whereas I'm more certain than ever about where I want to be, and how to get there.  and when I 'get there', what then?  will it be more of the same low-level hustling to make ends barely meet?  or will I finally afford myself the opportunity to explore and expand on the themes I've followed in my artistic practices for all these years?  will I find the freedom and courage to step out of my shell and do what brings me joy?  there's been plenty of signs pointing to my need to realign with my own spiritual practice, and when I remember to do so, it feels good, so...let's see what the cards have to say!

first I need to choose a deck:

 

I went with the fake Russian version of Buckland's Romani Tarot because it's newer to me and I haven't used it that much, and for whatever reason decided to add some whimsy by choosing to use The Kitchen Tarot for clarifying cards, because a dear friend whom I love sent them to me and I hadn't used them yet.  interesting to note that I thought clarifying cards were needed before even starting.

I did a 3 card pull because I'm also writing this blog post and I didn't want to spend the whole day with it, and a 10 card spread can take me hours.

so, while meditating on my upcoming trip, I pulled the first card. 

oh, Two of Swords...perfect.  that feels like I have a hard choice to make.  or maybe not so much hard, but...a choice.  this version of the card is interesting because there are two people in it, he's blindfolded while she appears to have her eyes closed, and they're both facing opposite directions with their arms crossed.  it's Winter but they're not dressed for it, and is she wearing a hood with a jeweled edge?  and who's holding the swords?  they're just kind of sticking out there...on the sides.  weird.  anyway...the longer I stare at the card the more it looks like the woman is massaging the guy's brain, like she's the High Priestess bringing him the intuitive insight he needs to act on one - or the other - of his choices.  it's a stalemate, almost as if the choice itself doesn't matter, just that it gets made.  is it possible that he doesn't have all the information he needs?  that he's missing a part of the puzzle?  or is it better to block his sight in order to focus more clearly on his deepest thoughts? it's a cold image, and makes me slightly uncomfortable, but what it says to me in the context of my question is that when the time comes for me to go, I will go, whether it happens in one month or three.  I'm honestly not sure which I prefer, but sooner does seem to feel a bit better as the snow comes down and it's getting dark already before 4pm.  and honestly, the ONLY thing keeping me here is the adult-ish kid (and the cat). which is the next card, so...

 

 

while thinking deeply about my dear offspring and his ability to fare alone in this shitty town/state/world, it appears I have nothing to fear.  The World card says not only was (am) I a kick-ass mom, I have not one reason to doubt that I have raised an amazing young person.  not that I did that much outside of staying out of my own way in letting the boy be who he is, and at least attempting to nurture as many of his dreams as I could without crushing his soul with my clumsy relationship skills and harsh criticisms.  his ancestors appear to have wrapped him in a cloud of protection against their lack of faith in my ability to keep him safe, for which I am grateful, and I trust that they (and the cat) will continue to watch over him whether or not I continue to beg and plead for them to, though I will continue to pester them forever for their assistance with him, as they're the only village we have. I know I've taught him how to live, and soon will come the proof of that.  I hope the lessons he will be tasked with learning don't hurt too much, and that all signs continue to point towards good for him.

so what of my desire to 'step out of my shell' and really stand in my power?  5 of Swords?  seriously?  this is saying 'yay, I won, but at what cost?'  why would it feel bad to find my place in the world?  will it truly come at the cost of those I hold dear?  this seemed less clear, as I had some trouble holding the question in my mind given the aforementioned disturbing news of the week, which kept sneaking in at the corners.  so...do I 'win' whatever that situation is, but end up doing it in a way that loses me friends?  I don't know, it kind of feels like I already lost what there was to lose, so I might as well go on as I have, which is as if I did.  who cares if the rewards are more than I can carry, I'll share them freely.  it's never just a win for me - if I succeed at something, I end up lifting up others as a result.  if they like me or not.  it's a lonely life, this Aquarian living in a future world we have yet to create.  Swords.  both minor cards were Swords, and me an Air sign.  and that Winter cold where Swords to me feel like Spring...curious deck.

anyway, the message was clear enough, but I wanted to use my friend's gift deck so I went ahead and asked for clarity:

ha ha!  Mom & Apple Pie!  what the hell is that?  aww, it's The Sun card!  it's so cute...there are mini-pies in a 'cosmic pie safe' and they are labeled 'love', 'good health', 'balanced Earth', 'enough moolah', 'family + friends', 'joy', and there's a big pie labeled 'peace'.  there's also a person in an apron holding a large covered pitcher, and a chubby dog sits nearby.  there are other little critters/people just generally chilling and seeming content to be near the open, welcoming vibe of the sweet and abundant Mama energy.  and that definitely brightened up the heavy mood of the Two of Swords, as if to say in a Jewish Mama voice "don't worry darling, it doesn't matter when you go, it just matters that you go!"  and either She will be there to greet me, or I will more fully embody Her when I get there.  or both!  it's a good omen; I like it.

 

 

now for my magical lad - the card I pulled for clarity for him was The Kitchen Timer/The Hanged Man.  meaning - he will face his trials.  as we all must.  and he will be fine.  as blown away as I have been at how energies align for this boy, it makes total sense to me.  it's too much to get into here, more than a blog post of its own, and really kind of personal and private, but maybe I'll share sometime that's not now.  that 'fool' must head towards his own cliff, and see what he's got in his bag of tricks at the end of a stick (see what I did there?  that was a reference to The Fool tarot card as a metaphor for my son's personal journey).  time to let the birdie fly, by leaving him the scant comfort of our nest while I go seek my ends and means elsewhere.  he.  will.  be.  fine.  will I be fine without him?  of course I will, but maybe that's the real question, here.  am I willing to truly believe in both of us enough to know that we'll figure this out, too?

Salt & Pepper as The Magician is interesting, and I guess the longer I think about it, the more it makes sense to me.  in terms of how it relates to the 5 of Swords, it feels like the work done to affect an outcome may have been greater than the loss it took to achieve it.  it feels like the deep regenerative work of creating one's life, to me.  like a whirlwind of possibility about to manifest - the gathering up of elements transmuting synergistically.  it's speaking to this being the right time to use everything I have to do exactly what I've been dreaming of all these years, whatever that may be, I'm not even sure myself.  but I do know, and I should name it rather than hide behind my shyness and pretending I'm nothing.  I have been there and done that, and I took notes.  winner takes all.

as usual, I just need to work up the courage to jump, and the net that I've been weaving since I first had an interesting idea will once again appear under me, and I will keep tying knots until I run out thread.  

I hope you choose to connect with me through my Mysteriam Tarot & Dreamwork fb page, or even here in the comments.  either way, I'm happy to offer you a reading, and learn what we can about your path together.

💙

travelogue

on July 30th, 2022, my son and I packed up a moving truck and our car, took our cat, and headed to Montpelier, Vermont.  having lived in Vermont for 12 years, I couldn't wait to return after foolishly leaving the Green Mountains for New York State when my son was 3 years old.  you see, I grew up in New York, and when I left, I swore I'd never go back.  but I took a chance on repairing relationships with my family before all the old people died, and while that went swimmingly at best, my chance to go back to Vermont has finally come.  I mean, it came 15 years later than I originally intended, but my son wanted to graduate high school with his class, so I stayed for him, and we had some good times along the way.  but graduate he did, and not only is he going to go to college, he's going to college in Vermont, and I couldn't be happier!

 

so proud of my Teen!

 

well, I could be happier, if we're being honest, because unfortunately, the housing we thought we had ended up falling through.  not to worry, though, because I am in intrepid traveler, and though it's been a challenge to get through this experience with a pissed-off, stressed-out teenager and his rather demanding cat, I am navigating these waters as best I can with the tools I have.  so I thought I'd tell you a bit about how that's been going...

we originally landed at the house of someone I used to know (more on this in the last post), and spent the first few days of August settling in, enjoying the gorgeous late-summer weather, and starting all the processes of establishing residency, such as transferring my car registration/insurance/driver's license, looking for more permanent housing, and going to job interviews.  unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to leave our landing pad much sooner than anticipated, and without having made any advance plans, fell prey to the price gouging at local hotels like the Best Western Plus in Waterbury - Stowe.  now, to be fair, this was a cushy room that came with two gigantic fluffy beds (I prefer a firm mattress), lots of pillows, wifi, tv, lots of parking, a pool and fitness center (much to the Teen's delight), and a delicious buffet breakfast that included most American favorites, and then some.  they claim to be pet friendly, but we were so fried when we got there, we forgot to ask, and just chose to sneak the cat in, and keep the room immaculate so they would never even know she was there.  we ended up staying two days and splitting the bill, which ran us about $300/night each.  though the Teen really liked the accommodations, I didn't like the price.  oh...I forgot to mention the tub!  it was HUGE!  and I filled it all the way up with hot water, and had a good soak.  the tub alone was worth the price, but at those rates, there was no way we could even afford to stay as long as we did.

 

while my chronic lower back issues didn't appreciate the softness of the bed, our cat Nahiri certainly did!

 

from there, we still weren't entirely sure where to go or what to do, so we ended up back in my old college town, at a local campsite I knew of, but had only been to once for some reason I can't remember.  the proprietress there is pretty sharp, and figured out that we were homeless, so I just told her the whole story, and while she agreed to let us stay for a few days, she insisted we have a tent, and not sleep in the car.  since my tent and camping gear are buried in the back of the storage space because I didn't think we'd need them (mistake) we ran off to the closest big box store I wouldn't normally shop at (but these weren't normal circumstances) to buy a tent, some blankets, and food that can cook over a fire (burgers).  we spent a perfectly lovely few days by the Winooski River at the Onion River Campground.  now, if I had planned to go camping, this is definitely the kind of place I would choose.  it's clean and quiet, with a rustic bathhouse, trails, blueberries to pick, and plenty of room between campsites.  many of the folks there were set up for long stays, and I admired the effort they put in to making their campsites appear homey, with outdoor furniture, fenced areas for their pets, flowers and plants, twinkly lights, wind chimes, and more.  I want to be one of those people someday!

 

we were camped on 'the beach', which you can see on the map at the link.

now, our cat has never camped before, or been in a hotel room, or traveled long distances in a car...and she did not like the tent.  in the middle of the night she started pacing around and yowling, then she started scratching to get out, so I got up (I wasn't really sleeping anyway - lower back issues) and took her in the car so she couldn't slip off into the night.  neither of us was happy, and I got no rest.  I think we may have spent another night or two in the car before deciding to spring for another motel room, this time the Marshfield Inn & Motel, and their glorious pet-friendly room #8 for $124/night!  my mom enjoyed staying at the Marshfield Inn a few times back in the day when I lived in the area, so it felt nice to be there again, now that my mom is gone.  we were exhausted from bouncing around, catching random meals here and there, and dealing with the cat's distress, so it was nice to have a respite where we could all sit comfortably in our own space and stretch out, the cat could take her harness and leash off and move around freely, we could shower, connect to wifi, make use of the mini-fridge and microwave, and I could SLEEP on a Firm bed (praise all the deities!).  it was a good few days. 

after that, when we'd been driving around without a place to go for so many hours I needed to get off the road for everyone's safety, we got ripped off at the Comfort Inn & Suites at Maplewood who said we could have a room for $220/night, but charged my card $320 instead.  when I went back to the front desk to discuss the issue, the receptionist was incredibly rude, though eventually agreed to refund me $100.  she didn't, but she did refund me $50.  when I called to complain about that, they called me a liar and hung up on me.  so who cares about the amenities there, because they suck, and no one should go there, ever.  and their breakfast was bland and tasteless.  ugh.  I hate them so much for taking advantage of me like that, and I'm getting angry all over again!  luckily for us, the Marshfield Inn had another pet-friendly room available, so we jumped at the chance to stay there again.

this room - room #9, still a bargain at $144/night - has a small kitchen that comes with a mini-fridge/freezer, counter &  sink, a hot plate, and pots and pans to cook with.  also some cups, dishes, utensils, and other amenities.  I can't even tell you how happy my son was to be able to cook a few meals!  to be fair, he much prefers the fancier hotels with the pools, fitness centers, and squishy beds, but I'm happier in Marshfield with a fan rather than a/c, the peace and quiet, the hiking trails and swimming holes, the general stores, and the view.  while we were waiting for the room, we took a ride up to Danville where I remembered from my college days the American Society of Dowsers had a little bookstore and a labyrinth.  the bookstore was closed, but it was lovely to walk the path overgrown with mint and clover that smelled so good as my sneakers gently crushed them, soaking through with morning dew.  and once we saw a sign for the Great Vermont Corn Maze, there was no stopping my pursuit of joy within all the chaos!

 

the labyrinth path is a bit overgrown, but if you know the way, you can find it ~

 

the corn maze was great fun - there are options to explore the BIG Maze, which "covers 24 acres and is approximately a 3 hour hike complete with 100' of bridges", but we did the Scenic Maze because I figured "a 40 minute hike through the BIG Maze using directions found along the way" would be enough of a challenge for me, and it definitely was!  we also chose the option to collect 4 'journey stones' along the way, but I liked them better than the reward you were supposed to turn them in for, so I kept them, and bought the reward anyway!  the kids' area looked like so much fun, but I was struggling at that point, and didn't have the stamina to play.  the little store at the end of the trail had candy, ice cream and drinks, t-shirts, postcards, and other little ephemera to commemorate your visit, as well as an aerial photo of the mazes through the years (all the way back to 1999!) so you could see the areas you hiked through if you took notes, which we did.  they're also a beef farm, and we would have bought some of their beef if we had known we would have a way to cook it later!  as the kids say, "100% would recommend"!

 

"mayday!  mayday!  I appear to be piloting this vessel incongruously named 'French Toast' through a large field of corn, please advise!"

 

after another few days at the Inn, we had another night in the car before stumbling upon the Firefly B&B in Lincoln.  they claimed to be pet-friendly, yet hadn't counted on someone traveling with a cat, though after chatting with her a bit about our situation, the proprietress - Issy - agreed to let us stay as long as our kitty stayed in the room, and generously discounted our room to $90/night (cash or check only - no credit cards).  that was fine with us, as we were getting up early the next morning to head to our storage space to pick up my son's trunks and bins for college, and we needed a safe place to stash the kitty while we drove back and forth all day.  it was hard, but we got it done...well, the Teen got it done, I was mostly useless other than as the driver.  then I cried as I made my way back to the Firefly alone, for my first night as an empty-nester, without even a nest.  good thing I stopped for a creemee on the way back...if you don't know, in Vermont, soft-serve ice cream is called a creemee, and it's pretty serious business in this state.  we all have our favorites, and we swear by them!

 

this one came from Papa Nick's in Hinesburg - it was Bragg Farm good, but not Dairy Creme or Crossroads good!  😀

so, my son's 'summer of homelessness' ordeal is over, and he has a little bit of time to relax into his new surroundings and collect himself before classes start in a few days.  I've mostly been parking in places like the two local synagogues that I know of, and my old college library parking lot to take naps, but I can't ever really get a full 5 hours of rest in the car, let alone more.  and then I'm falling asleep every five minutes, and shouldn't be on the road.  so, I finagled a deal with the innkeeper at the Marshfield Inn & Motel for one of their pet-friendly rooms for a week, at a greatly discounted rate (just under $400 for 6 days).  they gave me room #9 again so I have the little kitchen, and I think the cat feels safer here because she's already been here a few times.  I can't believe it's been almost a month of this already, and I still don't feel any closer to being settled in terms of having housing, any social services, or a job.  there's no way I could keep a job with all the moving around, and sleep-deprivation!  so I need some help to pay for the room this week, and I've mostly been using my time here so far to figure out where I'm going to stay next, and see how many tarot sessions I can fit in while I'm stable enough to do a few readings.  

 

magicians

 

I haven't made it up the hill to visit the person who's caring for my houseplants in at least a week, and I do need to visit my plants, I miss them so.  the Teen is being standoffish with me and not answering my texts, and the cat misses her favorite human and is being overly clingy.  I'm hoping to see if I can't find someone to foster her for a bit while I navigate the 'next step', whatever that may be - and I hope it's some form of employment, because I need the cash.  if you can't tell from the above commentary, all these rooms and driving around have blown a hole in my finances, and I still have expenses to cover, including helping the Teen out with any college related needs, and litter/food for his cat.  and let's all keep a prayer in our hearts for my dear car, without which, none of this would be possible.  I hope you enjoyed this 'trip around Vermont', and that you feel compelled to send some funds our way - I'm happy to offer you a tarot reading in return.

this is a link to the gofundme a few of my friends set up

this is a link to my paypal

thanks!

the landslide bringing me down

you know, I'm not much of a Stevie Nicks fan, though I've always liked the song "Landslide"...I kind of hold her responsible for millions of hippie chicks in lacy gowns thinking they can appropriate an ethnic slur against Roma people as a lifestyle and culture...but if she didn't know, she didn't know, I guess.  it's 2022 now, and we should all know better.  apologies are being made.  awareness is being raised.  it's not ok anymore (someone alert Cher, as well, please).

 

 

I watched a video this morning of Stevie singing "Landslide" in front of a video memorial for her dad who died in 2005, and of course it made me cry.  lots of things make me cry now.  used to be, I didn't cry at all, and was proud of it.  then I learned to not be such an impenetrable stone all the time and to be proud of the fact that I had enough heart and soul to cry.  then I had a baby and couldn't watch tv any more because the news made me cry...and commercials.  now, as I approach what I consider to be my 'official menopause date', I can and will cry about anything and everything, because my heart is simply broken completely open by the wisdom and humility of life (my personal Kabbalah). 

King Solomon w/birds

 

I'm dropping my son off at college tomorrow.  that's...huge.  on a number of levels.  first off, I've raised my baby alone from the moment of his conception.  I will not negate his father's contribution of the minimum amount of child support required to be in compliance with the current laws, but to be clear, his involvement truly has been minimal, for which I have apologized to my son profusely.  my son has very little family other than me - he didn't really get to know my Sapta (maternal grandmother) before she died, and has little memory of her, though he does have fond recollections of my Zayde (maternal grandfather).  my dad and his parents were long gone before my son was born, and though he had my mom in his life until she passed last year, we weren't always on good terms with her.  there was a brief minute when my brother allowed his three kids to accept their little cousin as a member of their family, but he cut what loose ties he had with me/us, irreparably damaging those relationships, and they will most likely take more work than most people care to do to repair them, so I don't have much hope that they will be.  my point is, this kid has mostly had to figure out how to be in this world on his own, with his closest non-Mom people being his guitar teacher, his show director, and his wrestling coach, in that order.  so...yeah.  a mostly solo project with some honorably mention-able supporters.

 

 

do you know how I got my son into the prestigious and expensive Paul Green Rock Academy?  I emailed Lisa Green and offered to do any number of things for her in exchange for a scholarship - write, edit, proofread, take photos, answer phones, scrub her toilet with my toothbrush.  so she agreed to a meeting with me where she explained that she had people doing all those things for her, except scrubbing her toilets, so she let me clean the building in exchange for my son's lesson and show fees.  and not only did I do everything in my power to go above and beyond for the Green's and their Rock Academy, my kid did, too.  when Paul and Lisa left, and Jason and Acacia took over the school, we didn't know if he would be allowed to continue, but they generously allowed him to stay with the program on a full scholarship until he graduated from high school.  I don't know who pulled what strings behind which closed doors in order for that to happen, but I will forever be grateful to them for that gift.

so here we are, after 18 (19 counting my pregnancy) years of this journey, in the same place we started - homeless in Vermont.  how did we get here again?  well...as a single mom making minimum wage, I can't afford an apartment anywhere in the United States on my paycheck, so I jumped at the chance to apply for a section 8 voucher, which has almost saved us from homelessness over the past decade, though not entirely.  a lot of landlords don't like doing the paperwork that section 8 requires, so refuse to rent to voucher holders, which is illegal, but there are a million ways around it.  one of which is to count on the fact that voucher holders don't have the money/time/knowledge to take them to court, and if they did, and they won, they still wouldn't have a place to live.  it's a lose-lose situation.  I had been living in Vermont for over a decade when my son was born, and when he was 3, I took a chance on moving to NY to be closer to my family...it didn't work out.  we stayed in NY for another decade and more, as we simply moved north near some friends of mine from the 'old days', though after not so long, I found myself regretting leaving Vermont at all.  

 

just one of many beautiful views in VT

 

Vermont was a dream I would return to after the boy was grown and didn't need me anymore.  Vermont was where I would go 'next', as with me, there's always a 'next'.  there were plenty of times I would have gone before now, but my son wanted to stay with his class in school until he graduated, so I stayed for him.  I cooled my hot feet and stayed put to the point of breaking, but I made it.  we still had to move fairly frequently as our rentals kept getting yanked out from under us by unscrupulous landlords raising the rent past my affordability, the State taking over the land through eminent domain, or other unscrupulous landlords taking advantage of the pandemic to sell their house/my apartment to an airbnb developer further adding to the issue of local workers not being able to find or afford housing in the communities in which they work and live...  but we managed to stay housed for a good stretch, and I did spend a good amount of time looking for apartments in VT before we pulled up roots in NY and moved, and though I wasn't able to find anything by the time we had to leave, I did have a place to land when we got here.  or so I thought.

what do you do when someone you've known for 20 years and more calls you up one day and says they're doing really well with their recovery?  that they're housed, in school, taking real steps towards getting their life back on track, and seeking employment?  what if they're really excited to hear you're coming back, and want to help support you on the way?  what if they see you not finding housing and offer up their living room as a place to call home for a minute, until you find what you need?  am I a poor judge of character?  do I make the wrong friends?  trust the wrong people?  well, let's look at my son's dad - 98% absent during the child's life, so much so, that when my young man screwed up his courage enough to ask his stranger of a father for a couch to crash on for a week (yes, dude lives here in Vermont), he wasn't overly welcoming, nor did he offer any financial help.  loser?  maybe.  I don't want to make excuses for him; I've been doing it for far too long for no good reasons, including my own pride, and his skill as a guitar player.

so our crash pad crashed and burned when it turned out my friend wasn't as in recovery as she thought she was.  she had a relapse, and used it as an excuse to behave in an abusive manner towards me.  the fact that she chose to take her relapse out on me when all I'd ever done was be a good and loyal friend to her was unnecessary and frankly unconscionable.  she's fooled me more times than it should take for someone with good self-esteem to walk away from.  and I regret letting the dreams in my head let me believe I could trust that someone was as loyal and honest as I am, though I know from years of experience that's rarely true.  I take the giving of my energy in relationship very seriously, and I'm often hurt by folks who enjoy more casual interactions, as I tend to connect pretty deeply, rather quickly.  and I'm finding that as I attempt to reconnect with folks I thought of as 'friends' here in Vermont, that I guess to them I'm more of an acquaintance, and there's been a 'no-show' of those I thought were 'my people' (some real help has come from unexpected places, too, I must confess).  so what does that tell me about moving forward here?

 

oh, these spiral paths we weave!

 

nothing I didn't already know, I guess - we're all just hurtling through space on this rock alone.  ever.  always.  and that's fine.  I'd just like to plant a flower garden, watch it grow and die, and come back again.  I want to write poems and prose, and create images.  I want to knit and sew and crochet - craft art with my hands again and be alone with the silence of late night/early morning hours.  I want to walk in nature, and be soothed.  I want to share my creations with others who create.  I want to hear from my son that he's doing well in school - that he's learning how to earn and manage money in a way that will bring him and his hoped-for future family more ease than his upbringing brought him.  "may he do better"...every parents' prayer.

 

from Isabella Rotman's This Might Hurt Studios

 

I used to travel when I was younger - just pack up my few belongings and my cat, and live on the road in my car.  it was a lovely lifestyle when planned for.  falling houseless because of broken systems built to keep women like me down is less fun, but again - can be navigated smoothly by people like myself who are wise in the ways of travel.  when I have to drag an unwilling and angry teenager and his fancy cat along?  it can get really tough, but I'm using All the tools in my kit to keep us buoyant in proactive ways, while doing my best to organize these experiences with my overtaxed mind to share with people in a way that encourages them towards helping me out financially.  I need help paying for gas, insurance, storage, cat supplies, and whatever my son may need for college that we didn't already think of, and for pet-friendly hotels/motels/b&b's/accommodations until I can find housing.  I'm really good at writing, editing, proofreading, and reading tarot cards.  please feel free to ask me to perform any of those tasks for you in exchange for any monetary donations.  we can work out a value together.  let me know how I can help you help me.

thanks ~

my paypal:  https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/mysteriamb

my gofundme, organized by some friends:  https://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-homehttps://gofund.me/835d9ce3https://gofund.me/835d9ce3https://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheethttps://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-shee