this is my box of 'photo stuff'. it lives in the closet.
in
this box can be found notes/references/resources, some Kodak
Polycontrast III RC black & white paper, a box of Arista classic
VC fiber paper, the remnants of a past group show, the portfolio I put
together sometime in the '90's, a study from a solo show, three binders
full of negatives and prints, developing tank, lupe, a couple of boxes
of Arista 400 medium format film, a few of said negatives, and a
half-finished photo-book.
in looking at my next project, it feels quite like my last project - Nexus of Ecstasy
- where I finally condensed my earlier scribblings and sketches into
one book (the loose
ends of which are still waiting to be
ritually burned). the project that is growing from Nexus requires me to
create images, and in order to do that I need to re-engage with my
photography, so...I thought I'd open the box (insert Pandora reference
here). since I got such lovely and positive feedback on that old 'snow tires' photo of mine on here, I thought I'd share the journey in...
as
Julie Andrews sings, "Let's start at the very beginning...a very good
place..to start," in my head, the first question I asked myself was
whether or not I thought I needed to use watermarks, and decided that I
did not. excellent. problem handled, moving on. now I need to figure
out how to give people the option to purchase an image and/or book of
mine, if they like. of course, people should always feel free to just
mail me money, too, that always works.
so
I think I'm just going to post the photos as they happened, and see
what kind of feedback I get while I work out how best to market them.
suggestions, support, and love are always welcome. cheers!
I took a dive on ABC Wednesday this week because I didn't finish my post for X yet, and it's already Saturday night/Sunday morning. I don't really feel like I've been working the prompts properly, and if I'm not putting in the effort to do a good job then what am I doing? I talked about this a few posts back, and I've been halfway stalled ever since. I've gained some new readers, and it's given me reason to think about what my blog is about, and where I want to go with it in the context of having more of an audience response, or using it as a platform to discuss issues and/or ideas, as well as a place to share my writing and pictures. I have talents, and if I'm not using them as a means to communicate with the world around me, to make a difference in both my home and global communities, then I'm just wasting my time. for instance, I used the word 'I' 14 times in that paragraph, and the word 'me' 6 times. that's the kind of self-indulgent posturing that makes social networks the hotbed of snarky narcissism they seem to be (personal opinion).
since my kid has been on Winter break from school, and we've been so busy relaxing and enjoying each others company, I've been able to step away from the computer for a bit, and spend some time interacting with actual humans out in the world beyond my four walls. it's been quite pleasant, though challenging, to disengage from the news, and to ignore the causes I tend to immerse myself in on a daily basis. who am I to lie on my couch and watch a movie with the boy while our European cousins are forcibly evicted from their homes, women are being raped and beaten to death in India, the Middle-East implodes on itself, an unacceptable number of people remain unnecessarily imprisoned here in the US, our environment is systematically poisoned on a global scale, anarchists are going before Macarthyist grand juries and getting locked away indefinitely for refusing to inform on their contemporaries, and a First Nations chief is on hunger strike in an attempt to engage her nations' 'leaders' in dialog over policy? and those are just the stories I know about - and I left out the issues my homo/transsexual brethren are facing in Uganda, and everywhere else. animal rights? gmo's and Monsanto? what am I forgetting? oh yeah...school shootings and censorship issues...the slow silencing of a people. more injustices in a day than I can tick off on my fingers.
while I know we all need to take the time to disengage from the bombardment of awfulness that can smack us in the face every minute of everyday if we're paying attention, it still feels as though if I'm not doing something for someone else, than I'm not doing anything worth very much at all. yes, I'm a single mom, and I do a hundred things every day for my boy, but even though we are financially disadvantaged at this time, it still feels like we're living pretty high on the proverbial hog. even though I have no idea how the rent is going to get paid, or the car insurance and gas, the electric bill, the phone, the internet, the food, or our one luxury, the boy's karate class, I still feel so incredibly blessed to be alive and healthy, with a healthy child, and all the benefits of our collective good energy. the people we Americans voted into office are (hopefully not) about to throw my meager unemployment check over the nearest cliff, at which point, we will be done for in terms of all the above listed expenses, including kissing my dream of a Master's degree goodbye, as I won't be able to afford to continue to attend school (though that one may have to go on hold either way - the institute of higher learning I attend seems to think it's perfectly fine to charge single parents who have to bring their kids with them for lack of other options nearly double what other students pay).
but we've entered the age of Aquarius, of the Sixth Sun, a new Mayan B'ak'tun - so I'm worried, but I'm also not. I don't seem to be feeling the same old government sanctioned panic that they tend to spoon-feed to those who can't see the fnords. the blogs I read that actually say something about these various causes and issues inspire me to follow their example. I'm finished being a pawn in someone else's game, and I'm looking to remove myself from the board permanently, so I'm hoping to help facilitate change through the use of my talents, which are writing, and photography. it's almost funny, but I had a conversation today with my son about photography, and how I learned to roll my film in the dark, by feel. this led to a further discussion of how to develop film and make prints, and the decline photography has suffered from due to the advent of digital imaging. luckily, we live in a town that has a 'center for photography', and I intend to make use of it to re-familiarize myself with a field I had to let pass me by while I was in the early stages of figuring out how to be a mom on my own, and starting a home hat-knitting business so I could earn a living while raising my baby.
the job market is brutal for us over-40's, and my education helps maybe not at all. A friend whom I admire recently raved about a new colleague, citing her 'tall and skinny' as a factor in her sales numbers. as a 'short and fat', I'm very well aware of the 'tall and skinny' girls relative carte blanche, having once been slender myself, and able to wear heels of a height I couldn't even imagine, now. I've worked a few high-end sales jobs, and while I did well, no one in their right mind could ignore the political dynamic of one's appearance, no matter how rude and/or wrong it is to do so. I got out of sales, though, because it made me feel dirty. many of us have barriers to work that push us down the list of possible hires, and if you've taken a gander at my 'freebooting' page, you can see the evidence of my spotty and shoddy work history, based on jumping from one useless job to another, with the exception of making and producing my own arts and crafts. it's hard for someone like me to work in any industry whose main goal is to take your money from you. that's why I went back to school - to attempt to be of service to humanity, and to my communities both local and global. but even academia has it's prejudices, and as previously mentioned in the case of my college, one of those is single-parenthood.
speaking of which, I need to take a moment to state how amazing my boy is, and how much I love him! he's such a doll, and even at his worst, he's not all that bad, so again, I feel incredibly blessed in this journey that began almost a decade ago, with me wandering pregnant and homeless through the Vermont winter to bring him into this beautiful sad world, and how much he's improved me in all things. yet I lay awake at night and worry about how to help him reach his full potential, and not be too negatively affected by stigmatization, marginalization, prejudice, and outright racism. on top of that, how to protect him from his mentally unbalanced grandmother and her continued attacks on our sanity through her attempts to put me in jail and take custody of him? I can't afford a lawyer to fight her in court, and the public defender assigned to me doesn't seem to see the issue with any of it, and is treating me as if I were a criminal for bearing a child out of wedlock in the first place. the boy's father is listed as his next of kin in case the worst should happen and I go down someday someway, but he doesn't have any money, either, and wouldn't stand a chance against my mother as she would surely make a case to find him unfit as well. keep in mind, I have been the sole support for my child from the moment of his conception, and there's not a reason in the world anyone who knows us would think that my son is being raised in anything other than a loving and supportive environment.
I have to take time every day to just Stop - take a deep breath, and remind myself to get back to what's good, regardless of all the evil and negative energy threatening to overwhelm me at any given time. don't we all? well, I know a few folks who manage to manifest love in their lives on a more constant basis than most, and while from where I'm sitting, it looks to me as if I had their lives, it would be easy for me to live that way as well, I also recognize those who come from places way more ugly than me, and do a whole lot more with a whole lot less. these are the people I look to for inspiration - though many times, their accomplishments tend to shame me into a nearly catatonic state of self-loathing). so how do I become an agent for positive change? where should I apply my efforts, and with whom? I am a traveler and a storyteller - I have studied mythology and sacred space in the classroom, and engaged with it on a global level. I have built labyrinths and done ritual, I have engaged with Sufis, Shamans, and medicine people from many different places and traditions. I have been in the cities and lived in nature, I have lived and loved and given birth, given advice, held hands, patted backs and offered my shoulder to countless friends and acquaintances, lifted the darkness from many an eye, but still feel left out in the cold way too often. I have cried out for help and been ignored more often than I've been answered, and yet...I still feel every single one of my blessings helping me back up every time I get knocked down, so I guess I'm somewhat of a fighter, though I've switched my position from offense to defense as I've grown older and infinitely wiser - even as I remain pretty darn stupid.
please do feel encouraged, dear readers, to offer your suggestions, criticisms, hopes, and fears for me and mine. I ask for and accept your prayers, and offer a nod to your damnations. I fling myself without fear or trepidation towards the love and the light, and ask for the continued blessings of the Universe, without which, I would surely have faded from view long ago, unmissed and unmourned. I want to give a special shout-out to my new followers/readers/friends - thanks for being here! - and encourage you to comment and offer your wisdom when and where you can. I need all the help I can get, in a world that seems bent on my destruction. I appreciate each and every one of you.
I don't really have anything spectacular to say, I just felt like posting that ; )
here's what I came back from my trip to the planetarium with:
I'd actually like to see them all cubed, on a flat plane, but I don't know how to do that, yet. maybe I'll hold off this post until I do... ...nope. I got the images put together the way I saw them, but they needed some tweaking that was beyond my current level of computer savvy, so Ihaven't been able to post them, as they don't seem to be recognizable as 'images'...weird. no bother, they're suitably spacey as they are.
the things that made up my childhood included family get-togethers centered around the Jewish holidays, the film industry, photographs and stories, so is it any wonder that I write, take pictures, and 'stare at my navel' as most people refer to the practice of contemplating the wonders of the Universe and choosing to actively engage in them? well, I guess it was to me, because I'm still figuring it out...but I've always expressed myself well through the written word, and I still have copies of a few stories I wrote in elementary school alongside the journals I was published in during college, including the travelog my mother forced to me to keep on our trip to Israel in 1977 - an exhaustive, photographic history to share with my classmates when we went back to school in the fall. how I resented my mother for making me do homework every night of that trip, but maybe I'll publish it someday, and allow myself to forgive her.
so there were these two elements that were pervasive in my life, though I took to the stories like a duck to water, and absorbed them all sponge-like and thirsty. and I read a lot. more than anyone I knew. I wrote poetry, and did well in school on English assignments. and I told a lot of lies. I don't remember why I lied when I was a little kid, but I remember how powerful it made me feel to trick my family into thinking I had run away by opening the window of the room I was sent to in punishment, and then hiding in the closet as I listened to them frantically run through the neighborhood looking for me. when I came out of my hiding spot, they were so happy, we all forgot why I had been punished in the first place, and I became a life-long suspect of criminal behavior.
I lied when I was older because I didn't want my parents to know what I was really up to, correctly suspecting they would disapprove of my choices. telling them "I'm sleeping at Robin's tonight," made way more sense than saying, "my boyfriend and I are getting a hotel room, see you tomorrow."
I don't necessarily think they believed me all the time, but perhaps they appreciated the effort to preserve their sanity. so, into college, and still with the stories, the short stories, the poems, the newspaper articles, the interviews, the speeches...and then came the photos. my folks had cameras, my school had a Photo I class, and it looked like I would have an easy few credits - which I did - but I didn't count on really digging it, and taking to it like...well...having been raised around it my whole life.
'snow tires' - winter '94
from the first roll of black & white film I developed myself
at that point, though my spiritual background was firmly embedded in the Judaism I was raised with, I had enough exposure to other forms of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam to know what was going on with most of those people, as well. I was getting hyped on Zen and Buddhism, and connecting to Paganism, and the Celtic traditions, as well as runes, herbs, meditation, Sufism, metaphysics, psychedelics, mysticism, ancient rites, neurosciences, sacred dance, pendulums, dark arts...anything and everything esoteric. so when I had a chance to take four months with which to write and photograph my way around the world, I jumped on it attempted to balk at it, but the Universe took its proverbial pound of flesh and made me do it anyway - while I am eternally grateful that I went, I hate the price I had to pay for the freedom with which to do it. so I wrote my way around the globe, and took pictures of the trip. I will probably be sharing some of those words and images in the near future, stay tuned.
Istanbul
Morocco
when traveling alone, in countries new to me, I found that I would gravitate towards places of worship, or centers of spirituality, as they were generally islands of calm, and a convenient place from which to get my bearings, as this country girl can get pretty overwhelmed in the fast-passed, stress of an urban environment that uses the same language as me, let alone one that wasn't even on the list of French/Spanish/Latin classes offered at the schools I had attended. so, I gathered up more great stories, took some wonderful photographs, and grew in my heart and spirit as one must do when actively reaching out to touch and experience the new, the unknown. like crossing one's own consciousness, the point of synthesis, the Nexus, if you will, of my Ecstasy (the title of my first collection). after which, I landed in the Great Snowy North.
a great many things happened there, but the one that pertains particularly to this little ramble had to do with clay. these words from T. S. Eliot came to me through a study of our planet, several years before that happened, though:
We shall not
cease from exploration
And the end of
all our exploring
Will be to
arrive where we started
and to know the
place for the first time
in my case, I had come back to clay as a medium in which to cultivate and work with formulating my ideas by using my hands, rather than a tool attached to my hands (pencil/pen/keyboard/camera). I had to start over, in a prehistoric way - had to pound out tablets to carve glyphs on, draw maps through the mud of primordial myth-making, and suck out an understanding of my new self from an old place. the subsequent release came in the form of a realization through my own work - in traveling the globe and photographic the holy sites I had visited, I had drawn myself a sort of picture of spirituality, and an idea of how it may be informed by the geography of the land on which it's born.
as a theme, it was something we discussed briefly in the class group I was part of at the time, but mostly because the faculty advisor to the student teacher found it interesting, and worthy of further exploration (thanks, Hong Yue). so while my writing life was keeping busy, my photography life was taking a vacation and indulging in some pornographic shenanigans to blow off a bit of pent up creative steam. I found that while I could write my way through my spiritual and mythological ramblings, I couldn't photograph them so well, and fell back on engaging in studies to try and experiment with ways to express 3-dimensional ideas inside a 2-dimensional box. and porn, just because it's fun...
right about this time was when my readings began to resonate more deeply within my body - not just on the surface of my skin, or in my mind. to be sure, my skin has always been sensitive to psychic phenomena, but it's also thick, like my skull, and hard to penetrate. and as I looked harder and more intensely into the abyss, I began to understand that spirituality has an inner country, too. that the pulse and rhythms of the planet we live on vibrate through us, and that by connecting with them, we can effect change in a physical way, right before our eyes. I mean, I suppose I had known that before, but I saw it as a separation...or rather, as a growth, of the concept that 'female' held just as much power as 'male', and that the divine combination could be synergistically transformative - but for the most part, we were better off leaving each other alone to do our thing.
anyway, as I dove down the rabbit hole of recreating my own personal mythology by drawing from the rich and varied resources I've gathered while under the influence of loving life and pursuing happiness, which I have had the great fortune to dedicate the majority of my life towards, I thought a wonderful way to synthesize my interests would be to invite people to take part in an artistic process that involves both writing about, and photographing oneself as, the embodiment of one's personal spirituality. sounds fun, no? I think what I'm feeling is if the geography of the land, on the surface of the planet, can exhibit influence over the vision of divinity employed by the people who live in different regions and climates, how much influence must the inner waves and rhythms of the planet itself have over the vibrations and frequencies absorbed by our physical beings? are we, can we be, instruments through which our Mother can fine tune us/herself to align with her needs and desires? perhaps she's calling on us to summon our father the Space Dust for an interstellar gathering of the tribes, and our consciousness is to serve as the invitation...
wouldn't that be some party? so, to you, my friends, during this auspicious time in our collective transformation, I offer the word that in my house, has become the equivalent of a 'joyful noise':
MAGRATHEA!
some of you may prefer a sort of poetry:
or some gospel:
whatever it takes for you to get a groove going, set your booty bouncing, makes you throw your hands up in the air and laugh and sing, get to doing it. the world is gonna need a whole lot more good feeling going around, and it's up to each and every one of us to recognize what brings out the best in ourselves and others, and to focus on creating more of it. as I move closer to retreating so far into myself that it's all I can do to sit in full lotus, clothed in orange, chanting Om while radiating Peace with every ounce of everything moving through me - I want to take a minute to be thankful for the opportunity and freedom to do so. I sincerely hope that there is a need my experience can fill, and that in some small way, I already helping to give it the room it needs to manifest.
what do you do to get inspired to take on the world? what are the concerns that you find yourself drawn to address? in what ways do you get involved? what drives your passion in these pursuits?
I have this amazingly beautiful and fantastic dress that I got in Israel many years ago. it's not the sort of thing you pick up at any shouk - we went to the Bedouin market for this beauty (my Israeli/Romani dad knew how to shop that's for damn sure).
here are a few close-ups of the exquisite thread work - the best I could get with the Blackberry, which is sort of frustrating when it comes to prompts like
this, as I have no control over anything. just like the old
point-and-shoot Instamatic days...oh, my...does anyone remember
Instamatic cameras? I'm sure some of you must, I know there are people
older than me in the world!
look at those stitches!
no patterns, all free form
I do long for a shiny, new, digital rig with manual controls, so I know
I'll get one someday - but in the meantime, the camera-phone is what I have, so I am
content with it, and feel lucky for even that much.
takes my breath away...
the old Nikon I used to shoot my
black and whites with is still on the
closet shelf, being neglected, collecting dust. I truly do miss film,
though as an environmentalist, the chemicals I used to love to breath in
the darkroom were of constant concern, and while I am still staunchly
opposed to switching from 'photographer' to 'digital imager', I
understand moving with the times or getting left behind.
respect
♥
so these shots are as 'close-up' as I can get without a Nikon 18-105mm f/3.5-5.6G ED AF-S DX VR (what?) strapped onto a Nikon D600 digital SLR 24.3 megapixel camera
body...maybe I'll put one of those 'tip jars' up on the blog, so my
wealthy, anonymous readers can donate to the cause of having me post
better pictures for the photo challenges! a girl can
dream, right? but for the price of all that, I could have 2 or 3 of these dresses. which would you rather have?
this gentle giant, the Tian Tan Buddha can be found at the Po Lin Monastery on Lantau Island in Hong Kong, where I photographed him in 1994. He was the world's tallest outdoor bronze seated Buddha prior to 2007, and is still one of the largest Buddhas in China. yes, kids, that is a scan of an actual photograph that I shot with real film, and developed myself in this antiquated place called a 'darkroom'... all kidding aside, you can't really understand the scale of this sculpture (which houses a museum inside) unless you click on it and take a stare at the teeny tiny humans in the bottom left of the photo - like bugs, right?! I just couldn't think of anything 'big' in my everyday life to post, so I hope any and all readers enjoy the Buddha!
I trimmed the pansies back because they were getting so tall and rangey, and I knew how pretty the little flowers would look in small glass jars.
The angle of the sun wasn't quite right, and I didn't have a great location scouted out for this type of shot, I just saw the little flowers in the pretty jars, and they made such a lovely scene that I had to capture it, regardless of its status on the scale of desired outcomes.
I think some of these aren't half bad, as studies - I mean, at least I know where the sun is coming in if I want to do more of this kind of shot, and at a preferred angle with a planned background! And it's cool to play with the settings in the new phone - new possibilities at every turn!
I over-processed this one in an attempt to make it look like something it's not, like a painting, or drawing. It's definitely surreal, and I like the quality of the print, but a better framed shot would have made for a cleaner overall image.
I love a good sunburst, and the clear jars look fantastic in the wash of bright light. Great angle, but I wish I'd taken the time to think about the background, as well.
Last Summer, my steadily shrinking garden took a major hit in the move up here to Woodstock. Two of my plants that I'd had for going on 20 years were laid to rest, and the above newer addition was looking pretty beaten down, but I chose to cut it back, and now there's three little babies trying to make a go of it - yay team.
The philodendron is looking well, filling out nicely with long, well-leafed trailers, reaching all the way down to commune with Baby Alfred, the replacement for one of those 20-year plants I regretted to lose. Also note the milk container with the carrots, black beans, and sunflowers the boy planted at school, along with the 'seed bombs' they made (seeds rolled in compost and clay dust with water).
And then, there's the constant reality of my transient lifestyle, the boxes cluttering up the place as we make ready for yet another move, hopefully the last for several years, at least, if I dare even type that out for fear that things may actually start to settle down for me a bit..!
That's how the Summer is starting out for me so far - I'm interested to see where the season takes us, and what fun things I get to see through the eyes of the others that choose to share their lazy hazy crazy days over at Around the Island! See ya next week!
It's time, once again, for my friend's Summer Stock Summer project, and I'm certainly looking forward to it - I began participating very soon after starting this blog, and just about every picture I took for the past two Summers have been of my kid swimming, my kid playing in water, my kid and his friends playing in water, and...my kid. Did I mention that the only thing I photograph take digital images of anymore is my kid? Remember how I studied Photography in college? Using real cameras, film and equipment? Remember all those hours in the darkroom breathing chemicals? Well, I do! And seeing as how I now live right up the street from some community darkrooms (thank goodness), it looks like I'll be making an attempt to brush some of the rust off of those hard-earned skills. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there will be plenty of camera-phone shots of the boy in and around water - because hey, it's almost Summer, and he's a great subject - but I miss having the time and making the effort to just...shoot. Going out into the world with no other intention besides finding a shot. It's been a long time.
Things have been admittedly crazy around here, but it seems that most of the stupidness has passed. I doubt it's gone entirely, but there is much less nonsense staring me in the face every day as there was just a week or two ago. The Supreme Court of Orange County has wisely decided to dismiss/transfer my former mother's case to Family Court, where both the child and I can get legal assistance, so while it's not over, at least the playing field has been leveled, and things don't look so desperate every day (not to mention that I no longer have to spend hours each day on the phone/doing legal research while trying to build a case myself, a task to which I am poorly suited). This is a great relief to me.
I am also in the process of moving, yet again, which is a relief, even in its stressfulness. It turns out that the temperature frequently soars above 90 degrees in my son's (illegal) room, and that even though the landlord here advertised for a non-smoking tenant, every other person who lives in this building smokes, and as a result, MY apartment often smells like an ashtray. Pleasant. Let me just take this moment to pat myself on the back for being 8 months smoke-free, and how proud I am of myself for managing to navigate some of the hardest emotional times in my life without my old frenemy, Tobacco. The longest I've ever gone without smoking was 9 months, so I'm waiting for the 1-year mark to really celebrate, but I feel positive that this time, I've licked it for good! I also feel positive that this move will be to a place we can stay at for a few years - at least until the boy is out of elementary school, and to think that I can live somewhere for 4 years or more is hopefully becoming a reality I never thought I'd see. I still want to run away and live with my Rainbow Family every other day, but having a stable home may well facilitate more free time to spend with the freaks in the woods as monetary demands allow (damn you, Societal Expectations!). Although, come to think of it, I do live in Woodstock now, and my hippie quota may well be fulfilled by just walking around town this Summer...but no, it's really about living outside the bounds of what Society says is acceptable, and forming the kinds of community that respect and nurture all of it's members equally, but I should learn to do my best to promote that kind of togetherness in the town I choose to live in, as well.
I feel much freer to concentrate on the aspects of my life that have been troubling me, or demanding my attention of late, such as learning to be even healthier, making more of an effort to model an active lifestyle to my child, and taking steps to help others within my community. I'm working with two individuals who are living with disabilities and/or illness, and it's SOO much more fulfilling than working as a lackey to a Big Boss with the main goal of separating people from their money! I've spent way too many years in sales, and while it can be fulfilling to help an artist make their paper, it's also sad to see the majority of that money end up in the pocket of an agent who wouldn't know a creative process if it came wrapped in $100 bills. Having someone say 'thank you' because the work I'm doing is helping to make their lives more manageable is much more fulfilling than any $15,000 sale ever was! Even working at the orchard, where the goods I peddled were locally grown fruits and veggies, the bottom line was always the Evil Dollar - and while I learned a lot and loved most of our customers, there wasn't much opportunity for growth within the business. While I don't yet know how far I can go with my current work, I do know it feels good to be doing it, and for now, that's enough.
I feel as if removing the toxic situations from my life has had an incredibly positive effect on my health, and I plan to pay careful attention to that, no matter how hard it may be to admit when a situation or a friendship has run its course. Don't think it didn't break my heart to finally admit to myself that my blood relations were never going to love me for Me, and to let that connection go, but in the long run, it's the right thing to do, to be able to be fully who I am. So many of my friends have helped to nurture me over the years, that all my Sisters in Arms out there in the Universe have manifested as the Mom-I-always-wanted-but-never-had, so while I have felt the loss of the One Who Carried Me, I have been held up by the strong bonds of common understanding, and managed to stay strong because of the web of love woven by those who see what I've got going on, and love and respect me for it. And thanks to the boys, as well, though I've needed you less, and mostly just for sex, and picking up heavy things... : )
So, I've had a few really bad weeks in row, and now a good one to temper the sorrow, and it feels like things are starting to even out a bit for me. I am remembering to feel gratitude for all the gifts I have been given, and to expect the best for the future. Summer is almost upon us, and I'm looking forward to the long, lazy evenings and weekends spent at the swimming hole - I found the local swimming hole, oh joy of joys! I think I lived in and around Plainfield for 2 or 3 years before someone took me to Paradise, and then another year before I was able to find it on my own... I've found myself so angry and resentful of those whom I've perceived to have 'more' - the house, the husband, the nice things, the loving family - and I'm feeling now like what I have is just enough for me: a roof over our heads, a small circle of tight friends, everything we need and a few things we wanted regardless of need, and my sweet darling angel of a boy. What could be better? Right now, in this moment, everything is perfect in my world, and I offer thanks for it being so.
Holy crap, another year gone? It's hard to believe that another year has slipped by so quickly, and where the fuck am I ? Same goddamned place, a bit worse or a bit better for wear - I'm not sure, it's a hard call. Maybe I'll leave it to you to decide...
Last year found me out of work, and deciding to go back to school. That didn't work out so well. All it left me was further in debt, and still without my degree. I felt inspired to do some really positive work, and I still do, but 'real life' keeps getting in my way - which is stupid, because creating is the only 'real life' I have, and everything else is just another bullshit way to make paper, another endeavor I have proven to be most unsuccessful with. 'Nexus', my epic work-in-progress still has not seen the light of day, and I started a few other projects that have now been relegated to the top of the 'when I have time and money' pile. I didn't just walk away from Goddard - once again, events transpired to derail me from my chosen path, and that calls into question either my commitment to my work, or my inability to stand true in the face of adversity, take your pick. Or have both, I'm not choosy. Epic fail, both ways, in my opinion.
The biggest obstacle to my pursuit of the elusive degree was The Fight, as I will call it. The unequivocal nail in the coffin of the relationship I had with my former relatives, the 'family' I was born into. While I do, and will, miss my nephew and nieces, they will all eventually turn 18 and make their own decisions. Other than them, and a few cousins, I'm not really all that unhappy to see the rest of them go. Had I left them without a word 22 years ago, my life may have taken the shape I keep willing for it by now, without all the lingering clouds of doubt cast by the naysayers who never had my best interests in mind. Sadly, The Bitch has brought this stupid, useless lawsuit into my life, and I fear it will take awhile longer to be fully rid of them after all. We will all have cake and do our happy dance together when it is done - with the Universe's blessing, I pray with all my heart, to please let it be so.
The stress that The Fight has caused in my life has undoubtedly contributed to the tinnitus I now suffer from on a constant basis, as well as the rash that resides on my right foot. To be fair, the rash has been there for awhile (though not as long as these 'familial issues'), but the scratching of it is a stress-response, to be sure. On the other hand, my doctor ran some blood tests and found me to be seriously deficient in the vitamin D department, and beefing up on that particular necessity has helped calm the hurt. I haven't been smoking for awhile now, coming up on 8 months, just one month short of the longest I've gone without cigarettes for the past 27 or so years of addiction, and I'm pretty happy about that! My skin seems to have healed pretty well from the burning swelling itchy what-the-fuck that happened as an assumed (more blood tests, awaiting results) allergic reaction to one of the supposedly healthy things I ingested in my attempt to walk the road to wellness - the culprits include the vitamin D, the probiotic, the fish oil, or the 'mercury cleanse', with suspicion resting heavily on the fish oil and the cleanse. More on that when I get the results of the latest vampirism. Also a high note - neither Zev nor I have suffered from any of the annual cold/flu/sinusitis/ear infections since our exodus from the County of Orange, and I am thanking the Universe for that blessing as well. And I'm down 10 pounds, to boot...though, again, that may just be from stress. Whatevs, I'll take it where I can get it!
We will, unfortunately, be moving again, and I wish the decision to where wasn't plaguing me the way it is. On the one hand, I frakking hate NY, and have a sincere itch to hightail it back up to VT with all possible haste. On the other hand, the boy is doing super-awesome in school, and I don't want to remove him from yet another peer group. In NY I have a job and decent health care, the kid's in a good school, and I have one close friend who I feel I can almost count on. In VT I have the child's father, and a few close friends I can mostly count on. I need to leave my apartment because I've managed to somehow be blessed with a section 8 voucher (housing assistance), and the apartment I'm in is not approved by them. I can take my voucher anywhere in the U.S., so...for once I have some options, and I want to think carefully about where I need to be that will best serve my child and me on as many fronts as possible. I feel torn in too many directions - hell, I could go out West and make a go of it in AZ or OR. I even had an offer of asylum in VA! What to do what to do... If not for the boy, I'd have been following the Rainbow/Renaissance train long ago. Screw this living in places and putting down roots - I have Gypsy blood, and it likes to roam, stereotypes aside. But the boy, oh, the boy...
The boy is AMAZING! I can't believe how completely awesome he is, even in the wake of all this confusion. He is smart and loyal, and friendly and funny, and cute as a very cute button and wise beyond his years - he is imaginative and playful and brave and persnickety, he drives me crazy and brings me joy, blows my mind and makes me so very proud. He's soft and sweet and gentle, he loves babies and kittens and superheros and ninjas and Jedis, Godzilla and Legos, he loves to draw and cut paper, makes pop-up cards, and brings his mama flowers when she's feeling down - flowers that he makes himself out of cut paper. He loves to dance and sing, tries desperately not to be afraid of monkey bars and riding his bike without the training wheels, saves all his pennies and likes to wear a suit and tie. He tries to be brave, and for the most part, he succeeds - thunderstorms can still be troubling, though he says he's over it now. I couldn't love him any more, but if there's a way, I will find it! He is truly the greatest thing I have managed to bring in to this world, my child of love and light and harmonious vibrations, and he has taught me volumes on who I don't want to be (read: my own parents), and shows me every day how to ask forgiveness and improve. I know, I know, you parents of teens and beyond, I've only just begun this journey, but it goes fast, and I want to stay present in it and glory in it's majesty while I can. Yes, it makes me crazy when he thinks he knows more than me, or chastises me for drinking soda, but it's also very sweet, and I want him to feel confident enough to voice his opinion when it is helpful - like a few weeks ago, when I was having trouble remembering if I was supposed to be traveling North or South on that particular highway, he piped up from his booster seat, "it's South! I read the directions!" My angel..!
We had a great Summer, last, and I can't wait to be free of the routine of school (until camp starts) so we can explore the swimming holes and camping trips this Summer has to offer - we have a trip planned to High Valley with our Lake Circle friends, but Rainbow will be out in Washington this year, and I wish with all my heart our car and finances could carry us out there, but I think they most likely will not (the car is in sad shape after the crash of a few weeks back). I cheesed on my friend's Summer Stock blog-share thing last year, but I hope to remember to find joy in collecting images again this year - be they digital images, or actual photographs. I don't have the luxury of a garden with this apartment, and the few plants I had left suffered greatly in the last move, but hopefully our new digs will afford me the opportunity to stick my hands in some soil again, soon.
Still no boyfriend, and all those presenting themselves for the possibility are sorely lacking. The ex says I'm just too damn fat to expect anything more, but he can kiss my firm, plump ass and like it. Somehow, I manage to convince myself I am still beautiful. Many of my friends are struggling with desperately difficult circumstances, and I continue to be there for them through my own struggles, because that's what keeps us holding on - being there for each other. I have probably alienated some of the people in my life whose lives are smooth sailing for the most part, for the simple reason that they just don't need me. I like to be needed. I like being leaned on, and holding people up - because I know that when I fall, they will be there to catch me. I have never made anyone feel ashamed of anything they've done, or judged them harshly for their choices. I sympathize, empathize and commiserate - I understand. This is all the blessing I have to give to you right now, dear readers, but know that you can call on me whenever for whatever, and I will be there as best I can for you. Even those of you who don't know how to be there for me.
Just a few more things to finish the list out, and then on to new endeavors...
Ah, my boy! Could a mama be prouder? The little bugger is just so cute and funny, and full of life and empathy, and creativity, and wonder. What an excellent little creature I get to play slave to! To be fair, I'm a pretty lazy slave, and he's getting to the point of being able to do most things by himself, short of cook or drive, but we're working on that... He's done well in kindergarten, I'm pleased by his enthusiasm for learning (even though he whines about hating homework already, sheesh), and he seems to be socially active within his class. I love all the little things he builds out of K'Nex or Lego, his awesome drawings, and the stories he's starting to write - we had a great time inking and stamping the other night, and he put together a three page story called six guitars which were flying through the sky. I just count my blessings with him, as I try to squish him into a little ball on my lap where he hardly fits anymore (my baby!), and come to terms with his growing being. He still hardly eats, and I worry over his health, but he seems to be growing and developing, even if he is a bit small. He can have a nasty attitude, and speak with such disrespect it's shocking, but I am strict with him, and I can go a bit overboard myself, so I try to take it in stride and see it as a need for improvement in my own communication skills. On the whole, I think we do pretty well with each other, but I have to say the future does look a bit scary! I wish I had more people around and more opportunities to get him together with kids outside of school, as he's got a tendency to talk all day in class to his buddies, and not get his work done. I think we need a more active social life. Not sure what I'm going to do about the Summer, if I'm going to try to send him to camp or anything, but as of now, I'm not working, so...no hurry? We'll see.
I really do need to find a job, though, I can't pay the bills by going back to college! Unemployment isn't enough, obviously, and my child support is good for keeping a positive balance in my checkbook, which leaves my meager saving that I don't really want to start cutting into. The whole point of my going back to school was to be able to do a bit better for myself financially, even though I have no idea how that's going to manifest itself. It still seems completely unbelievable to me that I could make a living with my photos, or my words, or combinations thereof, but I'm beginning to remember what the possibility of that felt like, and I'm letting it lead my process. It's really great to be going to Goddard, and tying up that loose end - and being at the residency was really fun and inspiring, and enlightening. I just love to get all excited about stuff and make connections like that, and I hope to be able to bring some of that spirit to the community I live in, and discover where that can lead me. Who knows, it may lead me right back to Vermont!
It's also mind-blowing to think that 'nexus' (nexus of ecstasy has been the working title for my scribblings for years) may actually see the light of day sometime this decade. That's such a good feeling! My only fear now is that once I get done with it, and I do think there's a good amount of work in it, that I'll be done! Like there won't be anymore! Ha! Ridiculous... I pulled four possible projects out of scrap photos I had left over from test shots and images that just didn't work, and some that just never got finished. I have quite an archive, actually, and I feel lucky to have been smart enough to document the journey, because sometimes, I forget I was there! I get so bogged down in laundry and dishes, and jesus have I ever once DUSTED in 2 years? and what am I gonna do for money will the check clear in time? that I forget to just sit
and light some incense maybe
breathe deeply
and slowly
remember to take
one step at a time
let the mind go
and the spirit flies
behold the possibility.
Gosh, there's still so much to do! It seems like, 'it's been a year, I should be farther along towards my goals', but also, 'look how far I've come in a year!' I wanted to have 'nexus' all typed out in one cohesive form, and I haven't done that, but now it turns out that might not be the way to go with it, and I might be well on my way to discovering the way of it as part of my project for school. So it all works out, still, in the end. Not that it's by any means over, but just a beginning, in the worst, most cliched sense, I'm sorry. Well, in any event, I'm getting back on track with what I meant to do with my life, before I let all the other dumb crap get in the way - and it was all good and fun dumb crap, and I learned alot, and I could have been doing much dumber crap, but it didn't move me ahead any further in the game, and now I have to cram at the last minute for a change. I guess this is the part where I give myself a pep talk about how I did alright this year, but I didn't work up to my level of potential, and I want to see some more improvements in the months ahead, and then we can enjoy an unbeatable season - but I have to remain vigilant, and stick to my training schedule or all is lost before I'm even out of the gate. What the bloody hell am I on about?
I guess all in all, I've had worse years, and I suppose I'll be reliving some of them as I plod through the writings of yesteryear, but maybe it'll help put things in perspective. Perhaps I'll see that I'm not so far off from my goals, that I didn't really get too far off the track, that the uncompromising dedication to writing is, in fact, going to pay off. I see that I'm the same unwavering self I've always been, just not as pretty, and I don't laugh, sing or dance quite as much as I used to - and I want more sleep. Days of it. A week even... Well, it's the weekend now, and it's after noon, so on to the dreaded laundry and grocery shopping chores. Maybe we'll even go to the toy store, because the kid has $40 he's dying to spend on more crap, like he doesn't have enough, and I 'm running out of room to put it all! Really, I want to work in the garden and sip cocktails, but I don't want to spend the money on garden supplies today, and the fridge is close to empty. And the pile of laundry has worn out it's welcome on the living room floor. Ugh. Pry fat ass off of bed, turn off computer, take part in real life activities in real time. Spend time with child. Enjoy life --> GO
Oh yeah - any ideas what I should do with the porn? I had one friend suggest I send it to her, but I don't know what she's planning on doing with it... Is there still a forum in Penthouse? Will they pay for it? Any ideas and suggestions would be welcome!
.jpg)
.jpg)
