just keep swimming...

 

 

for those who have been following along, I'll start out by saying that I did finally finish cleaning the bathroom, the switch plates, both sides of the front door of my apartment, and rearranged my suitcases so my clothes and other various items are now more accessible.  it's definitely time to do more laundry and I'm not looking forward to it, but I bought a drying rack so at least I can forgo the dryer this time, though that was the least expensive part of the process.  so it seems I'm beginning to find my rhythm.  

 

navigating the coin operated laundry was a challenge, but I figured it out eventually.

 

the next steps have been to make sure I'm drinking enough water (not quite), and eating healthy meals at reasonable times (getting there).  because I'm more settled I've been better able to eat something resembling breakfast before I leave in the mornings, and prepare lunches in advance to bring with me to ulpan (Hebrew school), so I'm not starving by the end of class, and have the energy I need to walk home in the afternoons.  taking the bus in the morning gives me more time to get ready as well, because it's a longer walk than it used to be, and I appreciate arriving clean and fresh as opposed to sweaty and scattershot.  walking home in the afternoon is fine for now, though I suspect I will enjoy it less as the season progresses and temperatures rise.  I'll just have to see how it goes. 

for whatever reason - maybe the heat, maybe just because it was time - I laced up my running shoes and started the Couch to 5k program again.  I found the program during our covid lockdown and completed it twice so far, and even started the C210k program, but I fell off of my running game after my mother died, and haven't been able to be consistent about exercise for the four years since then.  I guess walking back and forth to ulpan was what got me started, and since Ive been settling in to my apartment I've felt safe enough to just...get ready, head out the door, and go.  it's funny, there's a saying that goes "start your run before you're fully awake so by the time your brain figures out what you're doing, you're already a mile down the road", and I guess my first day back was kind of like that.  I'm fat, so it's embarrassing to think about being seen flopping down the road at my snail's pace, in an outfit I wouldn't want to be caught dead in, which is just leggings and a tank top.  it's a pretty standard outfit for a lot of people, but because I'm so overweight, I prefer to try and camouflage my big belly as best I can.

 

 

when I crossed paths with another human, I thought, "omg, what must I look like?!"  while also realizing what a blessing it is that I don't have a full length mirror, because if I did, I probably never would have been able to get out the door.  that's been one of my 'city living' lessons - learning that everyone is just out there living their lives without regard for how they come across, and to not be so self-conscious about myself because no one is even paying me any mind.  it's quite different from the small town living I've done for decades where everyone is watching your every move so they can all gossip to each other about you, and people think they know who you are without ever once having said hello.  I even caught myself trying to catch glimpses of myself in store windows as I passed so I could judge my own hideousness, and thankfully I wasn't really able to.

 

 

because I've gone running three times this week I decided to check my blood sugar, which was still higher than it should be, even though it's lower than it's been in a long time.  before I could prematurely credit it to the exercise, I remembered that I started doubling up on my medication (as per the suggestion of my American doctor before I made Aliyah) after the disastrous appointment I had with an Israeli doctor who wanted to put me on several medications including injectable insulin, which I flatly refused.  I got it under control by reigning in my diet and committing to exercise once before, and I'm convinced I can do it again, so...I'm doing it as best I can.

another important component of living in my own place is figuring out how the recycling works here in Israel.  I don't read or understand the language well enough to figure out which things go where, even with taking pictures of the public bins and running them through google translate.  and I HATE throwing out recycling, but I've been doing it simply because I didn't have a place to store it up while I figured it out.  now I do.  I looked up which colored bins are for what items, and have been diligently separating them into their respective categories via colored 'sackeet' (plastic shopping bags).  and since I've been running, I now know where the various bins are located! 

 

this is a rando internet pic - in my neighborhood we have orange, purple, blue, a bin for cardboard, and either green or grey garbage bins.

I think I may have been offered a job, though I haven't been able to get back in touch with the lady I spoke to about it.  she did give me the address of the office where I would need to go to fill out the required paperwork, so I'm planning to just show up there on the next business day (tomorrow) and see how that goes.  and now that I have a good routine with ulpan, cooking and eating, and running, I'm curious to see if I can keep it up while adding a job to the mix.  next on my to-do list is to go back to the doctor and see if we can't straighten out my health care, because I will eventually need more medication (until I don't, which is my diet & exercise goal).  I'm also going to have to start thinking about what I want to use for shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer when the stuff I brought from the US runs out, without resorting to shopping on amazon, because I prefer to support local businesses by shopping in my community over making a billionaire richer.  and the number of people who come to Israel expecting it to be 'little America' and have all their favorite American things instead of doing and being Israeli pisses me All the way off.  

there was an email from the shipping company informing me that my belongings have arrived at the port, that it will take a few days to clear customs, and a few more days to fill a truck with 'partial shipments' to be delivered to their final destinations.  so I'm hoping to be reunited with my beloved items in about two weeks, and I'm doing my best to be patient.  it's going to be jam-packed in here when it does arrive, and I don't know how I'm going to arrange it all...it's definitely going to be a process.  I'm looking forward to having my big soup pot, but how will I make soup in it with the little electric cooker?  and now that I'm cooking meals and running again, I've been logging my meals on MyNetDiary even though I have no real sense of how many grams of anything I'm cooking or eating, so I regret not sending my food scale, but there were valid reasons to leave it behind.  "I'll get one in Israel" is what I said about a lot of things, not thinking about how much money I invested in building a household over the past 30 years, or how much it would cost to build another one.

 

I'm cooking on an old, beat up one of these.

 

it's definitely not all wine and roses - the apartment is drafty which is fine this time of year, but how will that work in the colder season?  there's a stink pipe in the bathroom for some reason, and I don't even know what to say about that.  the neighbors are not mindful of how much of their mess ends up on my side of the meerpeset, or how much their dog barks when they're out (going on three hours, now).  and as happy as I am with being by myself, will I ever make some friends to hang out with?  I feel like I've been here forever, but it's only been three months, and there's still a lot to learn and do before I'm 100% settled, and speaking more Hebrew than English.  I'm certainly looking forward to that day, and maybe once I have a better handle on the language I'll be able to be more social with people, who knows?  I really am happy to stay at home by myself, but it might also be nice to catch a movie and get a meal with someone my own age, too.  here's to hoping!

Finding My Place

while there are more housing options for me here than there were in the US, I have yet to rent an apartment.  I really liked the first place I looked at, but even with the help of several people, it was just not to be.  after another round of looking to see what was available, I kind of liked the place with the yard, ceiling fan, and full size stove/oven even though it's a bit out of the way, and I also liked the little place in the middle of the city with the big bright windows, that has a bus stop right out front, and is convenient to all the places I tend to frequent.  the nice man who showed me the out of the way place seemed willing to help me with just about anything and everything in that Israeli 'I know a guy' way, and the woman who showed me her cute little 3rd floor walk-up in the middle of town was willing to let me sublet for about a month, so here I am!  it's been incredibly helpful to have some space to myself for a set amount of time so I can work on providing some of the things I've been missing or slacking on for weeks, like eating well, and hydrating properly.

 

mmm, stir-fry!
best I could do with what I had, and it was good.

 

 

it's great to have some privacy, my own bathroom and kitchen, a large, firm bed, and a HOT shower whenever I want one, among other things.  I'm hoping with all my heart that this could turn into a long term rental for me.  it's not perfect, but it will absolutely do.  I'd be happy to be here for at least my first year in Israel, until I know the language better, have a decent income, and know more about where I want to settle more permanently if it's not in this particular city.  who knows - if I manage to make a good enough living, it's possible that I could afford something even better by then!  in the event I don't get to stay past the few weeks I've been promised here, there will still be enough time to find another place, possibly even the one with the stove and the yard, if someone hasn't snatched it up yet.  given that my 'lift' (the things I shipped over from the US) should be here right around that time, I'm doing my best to trust the timeline and the process.  things tend to work out the way they're supposed to for me, and I'm keeping my energy attuned to this being the right timeline and process.

 

a walk on the beach yielded several 'hag stones'.  I found one many years ago, and hadn't found another one since.  it felt like a very good omen to me.

 

so, since I'm settled enough for the moment, I've been able to turn my attention towards looking for a job in earnest, and I sent out quite a few resumes, and responded to lots of job offers this week.  I had one interview so far that went fine, but the job was two hours away...they haven't called me back, so I guess it's a no-go, even though I said I'd be willing to relocate, even though I'm not really willing to relocate.  hey, if it was absolutely the right fit, who knows, I might.  someone in one of the agencies that makes sure new immigrants are doing okay mentioned that I could probably move all the way down south to live and work in a hotel for a year, and while I said I'd keep that idea on the back-burner in case of emergency, literally nothing about that idea appeals to me.  I've been to the town they had mentioned as a 'tourist', and honestly I think it would suck to live and work there.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sold on being where I am, especially after already being here for almost two months, and getting into the vibe of this place as I'm finding my way around much better than I ever have before (my family used to have an apartment here until I was a teen, so whenever we came to visit, this city was home).

 

the street where we lived back in the day ~

 

I may have another interview tomorrow, but I haven't heard back about that yet.  it was a holiday weekend here, so I'm really not sweating it at the moment.  one of the positions I applied for sounded pretty much like my dream job, though I'm fully aware that my language skills are probably lacking to be able to be 100%  effective at it at the moment, but as I'm so fond of saying - Who Knows?  maybe I'm EXACTLY who they want and need, or maybe I Will be some time in the near future.  there are just so many possibilities always opening up, and I'm keeping myself open to receiving them.  it's so much easier to do when my belly is full from a healthy home cooked meal, I've had enough water to drink, I'm showered, and rested.  I even had incredibly vivid dreams last night featuring my ex-bestie and his family...it was nice to see them, and I hope everything is going well for him.  it inspired me to try and reach out, though I lost his number and am not sure he's on social media.  he has two profiles that come up when I search his name, but they don't seem particularly active, and the profile pics on both of them were posted around 8 years ago, with no other activity showing.  whether or not he wants to talk to me, I just hope he's ok.

it's a fresh new week tomorrow, and I need to study for language class, look to see what's available in terms of jobs and apartments, and plan some healthy meals to cook.  it's So Nice to have this place to be in for the time being, and I'm going to make the most of it.  I keep forgetting to pull my moisturizer out of the locked suitcase as my skin is desperate for some nourishment as well, though it's looking better just from the increase in my water intake.  and I treated myself to a pedicure since I didn't have to pay an arm and a leg to stay somewhere less than great.  in my head I'm picturing the Magic 8-ball my son got me for Hannukah ages ago landing on the phrase, 'signs point to yes'!  feet pics are weird and gross (my opinion), but I want to share the joyful vibrancy of the nail color on my toes, so...enjoy!  and have a great week!

 

 

Moon Rose Water Ritual Bath/dreams

I made this amazing Rose Moon Water (pictured below) during my full moon ritual two weeks ago and a few days later, finally had the time and space to be able to bathe in it.  I put some of it in a small spray bottle and used it to mist my sheets, bed, face, and space with it, and I really loved the vibe it gave off.  I'd been feeling really connected to my late maternal grandmother, and I honestly think it's the roses - 'Rose' was her middle name, and she grew roses in her garden.  she made it very clear that she's offering love and support to me while I've been navigating some difficult family situations in the midst of mourning my mother (her daughter), who passed away three months ago.  as we're currently in a Neptune retrograde - a great time for this kind of work - I thought it would be nice to use my Rose Moon Water to help channel both my mother and her mother, and connect with them through dreamwork, where I meet with my ancestors.

 

image shows a glass mason jar filled with reddish-pink water infused with roses, and left out under a full moon

 

rose water is made by simmering rose petals in water, and moon water is made by leaving a jug of water out under the moon - during any phase; I just made this particular batch during the full moon.  so I made rose water from the roses I bought for the Solstice and used in my full moon ritual, then left the rose water out in the light of the full moon, and voilà!  Rose Moon Water!  moon water can be used in any of the ways that you use water - to charge and clean crystals, cleanse your energetic body, clean your home, water your plants, for drinking/bathing/cooking, basically everything!  rose water also has a myriad of uses including soothing skin ailments and irritations, treating sore throats/skin redness/acne/cuts and burns...it can be used in eye drops, to treat infection, to lift your mood and soothe headaches, reduce wrinkles, aid in digestion, to cook with, and makes a great facial cleanser and toner.  it's an antibacterial, anti-inflammatory, antiseptic, analgesic, antioxidant, antidepressant/anti-anxiety powerhouse!  so combining the rose water's natural healing properties with the energies of the full moon, I was looking forward to a great big healing rosy hug from my grandmother before retreating to my dream sanctuary to hopefully connect with both her and my mother on the other side of the veil. 

 

my mother and grandmother, when they were both younger than I am now.  image shows two women in printed dresses seated outdoors.

 

the general wisdom surrounding dreamwork is that one needs to enter a dedicated scared space in which to incubate the kind of dreams that go deeper than our minds just reliving our day - into that gateway between where we can experience meaning.  that this space not be our bedrooms is also part of that wisdom, though many of us don't necessarily have the ability to set up a space to sleep and dream in other than our bedrooms, so just work with what you've got.  if you do have that kind of space to play with - or you if you simply want to bring some of these elements into your existing bedroom - than the colors blue (believed to reduce heart rate and blood pressure), purple, and silver (for some 'otherworldly' charm) are good choices.

lucky me, jewel-tones of blue and purple with silver accents is my bedroom aesthetic.  image shows a white curtain blowing in the breeze across a blue and purple tapestry of peacocks in a tree.

 

for the bath, it goes without saying that the whole room be clean and tidy, but in a pinch, as long as the tub is clean, go for it.  I will leave the lights off and burn a bay leaf or two to clear the energies, then run the bath.  while the tub fills, I'll play some calming music or binaural beats, light some candles and incense, and place some crystals around the tub; I use quartz, amethyst, citrine, & rose quartz...if you have some moonstone, it would make the perfect addition.  there's also eucalyptus hanging in my shower, so the steam from the bath should release those oils as well.  I'll set out a small dish of honey to use as a facial cleanser, and in a bowl, combine: 

Epsom salt

baking soda

a few drops of lavender essential oil

dried rose petals

fresh freesia petals

during this prep work, it's important to be setting one's intentions all the while.  consciously listening to what the energies are telling us, moving in the ways they want us to go.  this much salt/soda (cup and a half?/like a teaspoon).  that much lavender (three drops, maybe).  these flowers...dance with it.  by now the bathroom is all steam and scent and soft sounds, and entering into it deepens a shifted mindset.  my head will already be both open and focused when I pour the Rose Moon Water into the filling tub, followed by the bowl of salt/soda/scent/flower petals.  and when the tub is full, it's time to call on one's guides, and step into the bliss. 

 

image shows flower petals floating in a bath.  there was so much steam it was hard to get any pictures!

soak in your delight.  talk to your crystals and touch them.  put some in the bath with you (careful!  some will dissolve, so do your research).  lay back and breathe deeply.  let your head empty, your shoulders relax, and your body heal.  pay special attention to any areas of your body that need it the most - massage any sore spots, scrapes, and cuts...feel where any energy might be blocked and help keep it moving.  ask yourself what you need.  ask your people to bring the answers to you in your dreams.  also be gentle with yourself, and go slowly - these experiences can be intense.  

when I'm done (usually when I start to doze off and/or the water starts getting too cold) I'll drain the tub and shower off.  this is a good time to use any special towels or robes that you save for ritual occasions; I'd say it's also a good time to use any fancy body products you might like to indulge with, but after all the magical goodness I added to my bath, I just let the natural oils seep into my skin and left it at that (my skin felt like rose petals).  the crystals get placed on the altar, and I'll take a moment to choose one to bring as I head to bed to dream... 

 

Coyote Woman Dreaming by Susan Seddon Boulet

 

now, the dreams we go looking for don't always come right away, but if we stay alert, we'll find them!  use the crystals in your work, or simply carry them around with you to keep the energy moving in a direction.  do use a dream journal every morning upon waking to write down what you remember of your travels in the night ~

art by Pawel Kuczynski

 

*the night of my bath, I dreamt my already long hair (to my butt) reached all the way to the floor, and whomever was there with me (Mom?) was measuring it either against their own, someone else's, or in general. long hair in dreams suggests growth, strength, and is an Earth symbol...the growth of the spirit, psychic abilities, and a connection to all living things. alternatively, it can suggest thinking long and carefully about a decision, or concentrating on a plan or situation. also indicative of good health, virility, sexuality, and vanity. can point to overthinking a situation and not acting.

 

again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this post is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

resources:

some ritual practices from lunaluna for more info

some lunar bath rituals from well + good

Shabbat Community Tarot Reading #2

whew!  the energy has been really emotional, chaotic, and electric with the full blood supermoon eclipse leading into the Mercury retrograde we're currently experiencing, so I thought I'd take some time this week to address shadow work - what it is, and why it's important (the abridged version).  shadow work is (very basically) working with the parts of yourself that you don't identify with, or aren't fully conscious of.  your 'dark side', if you will...some say it includes not only one's personal shadow, but society's neglected and repressed values as well.  whatever you refuse to acknowledge about yourself, qualities you're ashamed of, impulses you deny but see clearly in others, takes courage and strength to confront and accept.  this is shadow work, and is a continuous process to engage in throughout life.

eclipse season tends to bring change and upheaval - all the ugly stuff (fear, old wounds, painful memories) comes up for us to reflect on, and release what no longer serves us with gentle kindness.  and Mercury retrograde, which generally gets a bad rap for screwing up communications in all forms, electronics, business deals, and more, adds to the cosmic flux.  mistakes will be made.  double and triple check Everything, and back up your data!  make copies.  make sure your email/fax/message was received.  be extra clear.  because Mercury is retrograde in an air sign (Gemini), assume a great deal of discussion will need take place.  on the other hand, it's a great time to work with the past, and words that start with 're' - reassess, revisit, readdress, redo, redesign, repair, redirect, and repeat.  so while the energy may be frustrating, it's highly useful, and reminds us to slow down, consider where we stand, and take a closer, deeper look at our plans.  it seems we find more time to get things done, too, so maybe work on getting your files and closets reorganized!

with all that in mind, I decided to ask "what neglected and repressed values should we be working to address as a collective?"  we all know the obvious answers - poverty, racism, erasure, climate change, and more, but I'm curious to see what the cards bring up.  from there, I thought I'd ask simply "are we making progress in a direction that will do the most good for the most people?"  which led to the third question, "what is no longer serving us that needs to be released?"  this sort of feels like a repeat of the first question, because while we definitely need to be letting go of all those negative aspects of our current experience, I was once again curious what the cards would bring up.  here's what we got:

image contains three cards from The Living Altar Oracle and Spell Deck:  Generosity, Choice, Emergence.  also quartz crystals, seeds, acorns, a seashell, a geode, and a salt crystal.

"what neglected and repressed values should we be working to address as a collective?" - Generosity - this card is water, and comes to us from the West; from sunset and midlife; it is Autumn, an ancestor, council and initiation.  it is speaking to us of power cultivated through wisdom, an openness, freedom to enjoy the dance of the seasons...community, reflection, the nurturing of fruit to seed.  the message here is to pay attention to both our hard-earned lessons, and our curiosity.  I'm reading it as a reconnection - to ourselves, to our chosen families, to our communities...recommitting to the success of the larger collective rather than to individual desires.  that we should lean in to the tempered wisdom of our elders, while learning from the wide-eyed wonder of our children.   

"are we making progress in a direction that will do the most good for the most people?" - Choice - this card is air, and comes to us from the East; from sunrise and childhood; it is Spring, a promise, emergence, and rebirth.  it is speaking to us of presence, divine intervention, a path laid out before us like an invitation.  do we accept its offer, or turn away?  we are wild and meant to fly, hopeful, and show others that they can, too.  the message here is to pay attention to the wisdom we gain on our adventures.  I'm reading it as a relearning of how to lead - a new way of spreading our wings, influenced by our collective need for higher goals and purpose...seeing a better way forward, and embarking upon it with intention.   

"what is no longer serving us that needs to be released?" - Emergence - this card is air, and comes to us from the East; from sunrise and rebirth; it is Spring, creativity, inspiration, and intention.  it is speaking to us of the grace of innocence, wholeness, and an abundance of potential.  of being open, sure, and calling back our power with a renewed sense of wonder, purpose, and hope.  the message here is to gather up our knowledge of death and endings, and challenge ourselves to begin again, embracing and anticipating with excitement the wonder of the unknown.  I'm reading it as an indication that we need to give up any fear we have around reimagining our systems, and outdated ways of thinking and being, so that we may fully emerge into the next stage of who we can come to be...by trusting and knowing that we have learned all our lessons from our past, and by accessing our potential to make better choices for our future.  

thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you, personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

 

sources:

https://www.astrologyzone.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-mercury-retrograde/

https://foreverconscious.com/intuitive-astrology-forecast-june-2021

"Gawtcha"

Feeling a need to visit with Brian Froud and Jessica Macbeth's The Faeries' Oracle, but not having a deep connection to the deck or knowledge of how to work with it, I went with my gut and playfully swirled the whole deck out in front of me in a pile and picked a random card from the center with no more of a question in my mind than a general read, and to meet the fae who chose to greet me.  I drew Gawtcha -  who appealed to me right off because they're blue, with sticks poking out of their spiky hair.  I like their slender fingers and pointy ears, and the way their large, curious eye is peering out from behind an elegant hand.  so I was surprised to read "Sudden shock.  Unexpected events.  Rude Awakenings" in the card description, suggesting any number of possible disasters - car trouble, money trouble, other kinds of trouble - while also acknowledging the possibility of a small windfall (not all luck is bad luck - good things smack us in the back of the head out of the blue, too).

on one level, this card is telling us we need/are due for a cosmic smack, because we still haven't learned to trust our instincts, and that we have to regain our balance more quickly when those destabilizing experiences come along - we also need to be cautious not to lose ourselves in them, good or bad.  the card scared me in the sense that it speaks of upheaval, of shaking up staid structures we build in our consciousness and realities, and even though I complain about a lot of the mundane aspects of my life (just like everyone else),  I've lived such a transient existence that I hardly manage to get any kind of routine going before circumstance comes along to tear it down, so my first reaction was, "nooooo, I've barely recovered from the last 'growth' I went through," and all Gawtcha sees is the ungrateful recipient of their kind and generous gifts (it's hinted that the poor faerie numbs the pain of our human indifference with strong drink, as evidenced by their bloodshot eye).  on the other hand, there are a great many 'staid structures' in our modern world that could do with some 'upheaval'.

while "the sudden, often violent, breakdowns of existing structures, habits, patterns, and/or attitudes" (from the Oracle guidebook) in the summer of 2020 is a long overdue conversation that America has been needing to have with itself for Far too long, the card (or the fae energy associated with it) also speaks to my personal journey of being "confined by our own self-imposed limitations that may include the desire for comfort and security", and how we can grow into our liberation once we manage to break through those barriers.  we are encouraged not to fall back on our old ways, but to build something new with the pieces, and to leave room for future additions.

being who I am (human - it's a function of our minds that we imagine catastrophe so we have a chance to survive it when it strikes), I went to the dark side immediately and thought "oh no, I hope I don't get hurt while running!"  then just as quickly chided myself for even thinking such a thing, and wondered what kind of positive surprise might be lurking around the corner...a second stimulus check?  universal basic income?  but the specter of dark tiding had been there, lurking in the back of my mind, and it was a certain kind of week.  I had setbacks, unexplained (or unnecessary) cancellations, financial inconveniences and pressures, I had two 'bad runs' in a row and a slew of aches and pains...but I also received a surprise gift from a kind friend that brought me much joy.  so what is this card telling me really?

"let your baggage go.  find your balance, and keep moving forward.  you have all the information you need to proceed, and ample experience in this world to know how to 'roll with it'.  you will rise to every challenge, even though the suddenness with which they descend may be alarming.  it's a necessary evil that must be navigated to learn and grow, and increase your ability to hold space for further understanding.  welcome the opportunity with grace, and it might leave you a little less worse for wear."  that's my personal interpretation.  in my life right now, I've been making great strides towards moving into that new consciousness, challenging myself to leave the baggage where it lies, and take up my own best interest as a guidepost to finding my way through the discomfort and insecurity of setting my former self alight (again) to create new work from the ashes.  the same goes for our larger world - each of us is responsible for finding our new place within that discomforting insecurity that helps our friends and neighbors rise up, and to roll with any upheaval as a growing process that needs to break a few things to break through a few things.  if you're low on supply, remember how beautiful a Phoenix can be, give it what it needs to thrive, and it will bring you along for the ride!  good luck, seekers, and be safe out there!

💙  💜  💙

Croning (trigger warning...possibly uncomfortable subject matter ahead.)

so, The Unused Portion has been on a bit of a hiatus, which is obviously a good thing, if you tend to play along...

yeah, I'm still here again, and I'm sorry I talk about uncomfortable things like my mental health, thoughts of suicide, and my eventual death, but...that's life, and as the tagline states, "just whatever's on my mind".  well, being human, sometimes death and dying are on my mind.  not so much today, but it will come up again, trust me.  and it's about to be the Autumnal Equinox, so...it's the season for it, anyway.  my ancestors have been closer than usual.

so what's the news, kids?  what's up with you lurkers in the dark?  why Do you read along?  it's for the gossip, isn't it?  yeah, I know you.  freaks.

the word of the day is 'pain'.  it has been the word of the day for several days, now.  whatever the eczema-type rash thing I currently have on my right ankle is, it sure is making a show of wanting my attention.  I'm assuming I ate a whole bunch of something that irritated it, or simply irritated it by eating whole bunch of something...anything.  who knows.  eggs?  white flour?  sugar?  processed foods?  all of the above?  it probably wasn't the protein salad.  I stopped seeing the doctor over my weight issues because she just pissed me off with her deprivation diet, but I did start seeing a nutritionist.  she's nice, but I haven't really made any progress on my weight/health with her, either.

our recent move (been here 1 month!), added a lot of pressure to my food issues, and once I got settled in, found my journals and glucometer, it turned out my blood sugar levels were really high!  up above 200!  I got them to come down pretty quickly with a careful diet and the world's tiniest bit of exercise, but it's hard to keep them down on my budget (with my lack of abilities) so I stopped checking again for a minute.  also, my fingertips got sore from the constant pin pricks, and test strips cost money.  so my ankle peels and burns, and swells and cracks and weeps.  and I ice it, and put warm compresses on it, and moisturize it, and let it dry out, and rub it, but do my best not to scratch it (I fail).  putting on a shoe is one kind of hell - walking is another.  I drink SO much water, and try not to eat at all (which leads to a whole slew of other issues), but it's so bad now, it's all I can think about.  I've been contemplating a shower to soothe it for more than an hour, and I think I'm ready to go there.  I also remembered that we bought aspirin when the teen got his braces on, so I'll probably take a few of those, too.

it's a bit better now, after a hot compress, and getting wrapped in gauze...though the aspirin may have had more to do with it, who knows.

it's interesting to note that it's just the way it was 9 years ago, when I first moved here - when I got so sick and broke out in hives the way I do, and ended up with a prescription to prednisone after a trip to the emergency room.  fun times.  but like I was telling my therapist this morning, (because I have it all wrapped up, now, like I do from time to time to keep my hands off it so I can let it heal and she asked what happen as people will when I wrap it up), it's all about moving, and poor food choices, and stress overload, and coming down from all of that toxicity...and my nostrils dried out!  where I get my pimples just turned to sandpaper overnight.  I'm 'croning'; moving into aging gracefully - or as smoothly as I can manage, anyway.  paying attention to the foods I feed myself needs to be part of that, no matter how much I resent having to pay that attention.

I'm getting there.  I bought some new soap, and moisturizer.  I scheduled an expensive haircut at a fancy salon.  the part of me that wants to care deeply and lovingly for myself is learning to be gentle with the part of me that wants to press hard on the spot where it hurts the most, and stick hot needles into my deepest pain.  but I'm cleansing the wound instead, applying salve, wrapping it in soft bandages.  just taking a moment to indulge myself, and letting that be ok.  yes, there's so much that needs to get done, and I'm doing it, but I need to make time for me, too.  to let all the chaos resolve to an order, and release the tension.  listen to what the body needs, and provide it.

*right after typing that last paragraph, I took off the bandage and scratched the hell out of the wound, then had to clean it all up and rewrap it.  sigh ~

---

and it's a Tuesday, after a gig weekend, and I am hurting.  my foot is SO much better, but is still a mess, so I'm doing my best to ignore it outside of cleaning and moisturizing it.  I've been sneezing and coughing, and my sides hurt from it.  my head is stuffed, and my back has been threatening to seize for about a week.  I'm wheezy and weak-kneed, eyes baggy, sinuses clogged.  I still refuse to close the windows, though my bare feet are freezing under the desk in the breeze from the window (it's about 50 degrees out, but I'm sure it's not that cold inside).  I don't want to wear my slippers because they hurt the wound on top of my right foot.  I suppose I could put on the left one...

I need to write, but I have 17 (17!) saved drafts already, and I have so much I want to do with this blog!  I have years of backlogged work that I keep myself from completing, and it feels like I'm out of time, out of other options, and I am unwilling to do anything else at this point but my own work.  so I've cleared the boards, but I'm still all stuck in my head in a big knot that needs untangling.  luckily, I'm skilled at untangling knots.  all it takes is time and patience, which I've had more trouble with, in the abstract.

of the many times I've spoken of being a sort of duality, I am also the whole universe at once, as we all are, though I have removed so many of my societal filters, I see no point in taking part in most of our social constructs.  yet I do want to be a part of this world, have a place in it from time to time before retreating back to my fool's sanctuary of dreams and flimsy things that have no reason or meaning.  it's just my creative process, but what am I making?  and how does one measure that on a scale of comparable importance?  yet who cares for such things as usefulness and productivity when one can pursue Truth and Beauty!  whatever else I do in this life, I'm sure I'll manage to pass on at least one important bit of wisdom to future generations through my child.  which of the many I've gifted him with it will be, I can't say...

and I did get a haircut, and my foot is getting better, but spending my weekend partying like an (aging) rock star with one of my oldest and most toxic friends sent the roller coaster I've been riding around a curve and through a tunnel, because I said something to my nutritionist that she asked me to say to my therapist, so I guess I feel like I should type it out here, as well:

"If you're going to kill yourself, yummy food is not a bad way to go.  I keep wondering how many more ice creams until I have the heart attack." - me

 now, I'm Not suggesting I'm about to kill myself, people, so CALM DOWN.  I'm simply suggesting that We Are All Going To Die from One thing or Another, Eventually, so what's the harm in me eating a whole pie over the course of a day or two every now and again?  why does it really matter?  my therapist suggested that the quality of the life I have left to live on this planet might be affected, and again, I feel slightly fatalistic about such things, because I honestly think I will off myself if and when that happens.  in any case, it's not today, so we will continue with the chronicles of my resistance to eating well and exercising regularly, figuring out whether or not being fat is the root of all my problems, and if it's worth giving up eating a chocolate cream pie as if it were a single serving in the hopes of one day setting eyes on grandchildren.  stay tuned ~

H is for...

happiness is the obvious choice, but why go for the obvious choice?  I do want to talk about my health, though, so I'll do:   Health & Happiness!  less obvious, and more ambiguous...

literally my 8th post on this blog, all the way back in 2009, was about my weight!  I'm not going to search through 10 years worth of posts, though...wait.  I can just search them by labels, if I labelled them in such a way as to be able to find them...

under the label 'diet':  there are only post from 2018, when I did the Whole30 challenge this past summer.

under the label 'food journal':  the same

and under 'healthy lifestyle':  starting in May, just before I started the Whole30.

I know, I'm not being very body positive, but it's My journey, and I get to talk about it how I like!

I'm sure I've talked about my health & happiness on this blog before, I'm just not searching in a way that's yielding results.  in any case, I weighed in at 245.2 yesterday!  the teen and I discussed what wrestling weight class that would put me in, and if we thought I could beat the guy who wrestles at that weight class in their school.  I've been drinking lemon water in the mornings, taking 10 minutes to be grateful, and doing as many sun salutations as I can - which has literally - pathetically - been one, but I think I'm going to try and push it to two soon.  I'm behind schedule because the full moon and other facts are simultaneously lighting a fire under me/holding me back, and I wanted to get to the page.  I also hadn't checked my blood in ages, so I did that, too, and it was 130 yesterday, and this morning was at 195!  so even though I don't Feel sick, or in any way affected by diabetes, it would behoove me to go back to paying more attention.  this journey on/to/through/about 50 is more than just a birthday, or 'lose 50 before 50' (which I obviously failed miserably), it's about Here I Am.  This Is Where I Find Myself - and not in the *waves hands around* like some animated hippie talking about 'finding himself, man...' way - like my physical location, in a human body, on this timeline.  I've lived by the seat of my pants; the skin of my teeth; flying by night; where the day took me; by my wit, will, and wiles.  time to...do what?  fix it?  I don't know...

I feel really positive right now - it's probably the vitamin D from the sun.  but I have been, once again, taking steps to merge the immensity of my knowledge with the smallness of my mind, and remember to take care of the simple things that can be ever so beneficial to my aging body.  my newest thing is I've been drinking hot lemon water in the morning along with taking the time to be grateful and set my intentions, doing a few (okay, one) sun salutations, taking better care of my teeth, and eating breakfast.

on one recent 'lemon water morning', I was feeling good, so I spontaneously threw in a small shot of apple cider vinegar, and a dropper-full of iodine (supports healthy thyroid function), which I assumed wouldn't taste all that grand, so I added a teaspoon of honey as well.  but Wow, it sure was a kick in the tonic!

so here's the recipe for my newly invented 'morning tonic' gleaned by searching 'best morning tonics', cross-referencing 10 different recipes, and making up one for my own.  they all included lemon and ginger, most had turmeric, some called for honey, less for syrup, some for cayenne or black pepper.  one included apple cider vinegar, one a pinch of cinnamon.  while using coconut water does sound appealing, the addition of parsley does not:

• coconut water (optional)
• juice from 1/2 lemon
• 1 tsp. fresh grated ginger
• 1 tsp. fresh grated turmeric
• spoonful of honey (or maple syrup)
• pinch of cayenne or black pepper
• 1Tbs. apple cider vinegar
• pinch of cinnamon
• dropper of iodine (optional)

put all the ingredients in a mug, and pour almost-boiling water over it to halfway full, then add room temperature filtered water to fill the cup.  it makes a great juice with the addition of a beet, a cucumber, and a pear:  https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-brain-boosting-tonic-this-neurologist-drinks-every-morning

I just got my teeth cleaned, too, which is great because I'm starting to take my periodontal health more seriously, now that it's so irreversibly advanced.  so I spend about 20 minutes 'pulling' coconut oil (which is sloshing it around my mouth) before brushing and flossing regularly.  that's approximately 30 minutes to take care of my teeth each day.  I hope it helps!

I don't know what that Periodontitis tooth is so happy about...

cooking Friday dinner kicked my back out this week, so I skipped everything on Saturday (it was the teen's birthday, and we had plans that weren't going to wait for me to do my full 2 hour routine) but got right back to it the next day.  I did 2 sun salutations, even though my back is still all messed up...whatever.  I weigh a lot.  it makes me unhappy, and I believe it makes me hurt.  like my hips, after a whole day of cooking.  and then I have to be easy until I feel better so I can do it again.  I've got to get this weight off.  the yoga - I run out of breath.  I pushed myself to do the two sun salutations today because I felt it was time.  two weeks of doing one, and then my back and hips were hurting, but I pushed it, because I really didn't want to do it at all, but I didn't want to push it, but I also did want to push it, so I just did it, and that's the important part.  I've been at it for three weeks, now, and I can remember a time in the recent past when I did three, so it's time to step it up.  I proved I could drop 30 pounds in a month by simply changing my diet - if I can get my big butt moving, and on a regular basis, I can do so much more.

we did celebrate the teen's birthday - nothing elaborate, just a friend, some favorite snacks, and video games.  a moment in time.  this is happiness, to me - joy in simple pleasures.

click here for the ABC Wednesday website, click here to visit participating blogs!

From Soup to Nuts

I made a new-to-me soup!  and the teen did not want my new soup for his dinner, the brat.  he tasted it, but declared it unfit for consumption.  I was surprisingly pleased with it.  here's the ish...it's Mollie Katzen's Moosewood Cookbook "Gypsy Soup".  the recipe at the link isn't the one I used, though...I used this version before I realized it was 'adapted'.  the only real difference is the addition of kale, and the subtraction of bell pepper and tamari...but that's not the ish.  the ish is - - - if you guessed 'the name', give yourself a cookie (or a bowl of soup!).  while I'm not going to write Ms. Katzen and demand she change the name of her soup that she published in 1977, I do need to think of something to call this dish in My house, so I don't have to use that stupid name.  that being said, this soup is everything.  it's so good!  the sweet potato I had was sadly all old and spongey, so I had to swap it out for russets, and I saw it suggested that you could swap just about any orange veggie for the sweet potatoes, and any green veggie for the bell peppers, and have it turn out just as good.

there is something about the spice mix that reminds me very much of the 70's - of orange corduroy bell-bottoms, crocheted vests, and wooden-heeled clogs.  of food co-ops, and ancient grains, natural hair, and macrame.  it doesn't smell like anything that ever simmered in my mother's kitchen, but it's still so familiar, like something from a memory, a dream, or a past life.  deja vu soup.  seance soup.  70's soup.  hearty autumn soup.  burnt-orange soup.  could I simply call it Romani soup?  no, it sounds too much like 'people soup', or 'human soup'.  I mean, how would I feel about 'Jew Soup'?  I'd probably wonder why the person who named it that couldn't just call it 'chicken soup', which it probably would be...but my point is, it was super-yummy, and I will make it again.  this may be my most successful soup to date!

first I learned to make chicken soup - from a shikse (non-Jew) of all people - because...I mean, you gotta, and I AM a Jewish mother, after all (why I didn't learn to make it from my own Jewish mother is another story entirely).  last winter I made that garlic soup that was only ok.  then I learned to poach chicken, because I needed the broth for butternut squash soup, which turned out ok, and seems to have been eaten.  finally, I made the veggie scrap soup I'd been pondering for more than 20 years, and used it in my chili, to cook rice, and wherever liquid was called for in a recipe.  I made a second batch of veggie scrap, and used it in my second batch of butternut squash soup which was better than the first batch, but proved too boring to eat plain, or was simply too bland.  I need to work on that.  so then I made Mollie Katzen's soup with the last of the veggie scrap, and it was amazing!  I've been wanting to try minestrone for a few years, now, so that will be next on the agenda...

short story about my relationship to minestrone soup:  when I was still young enough to live at home with my family, there was some dish that my mom would make every now and again that my dad, bro, and I loved, that she didn't eat.  I have no memory of what that meal was, but I DO remember that whenever she made it for us, she would warm up a can of Progresso minestrone soup, and be so happy to have it all to herself.  I remember liking what I was eating, but I also remember being curious about my mom's magical soup.  she refused to share it.  and so, I never had a bite of minestrone soup in my life, because it didn't belong to me, and my mom told me I couldn't have it.  many years later, I had a baby of my own, who I can't imagine Not sharing delicious food with at every opportunity.  back then, there used to be this cool organic kid cereal on the market called Mighty Bites, which my baby loved as a finger-food snack, and I loved for it's healthfulness.  the cereal company ran a promotion for a free 'Brain Foods for Kids' cookbook, which I immediately ordered, and still keep in my kitchen today.  it's got these great little blurbs about which ingredients in each of the recipes offer specific benefits to the child's developing brain and body, and how the child's body processes those ingredients.  it's a great read, with wonderful pictures of tasty, healthy meals, and simple instructions so even a kitchen hack like myself can craft a delicious meal.  one of the recipes in the book is for 'Mighty Minestrone', and it's been at least 10 or 12 years that I've been looking at that recipe, thinking, "I'm going to make that someday".  December 11th was that day.  I have defeated another one of the demons handed to me by someone else to carry, and got myself a nice pot of nourishing soup out of it.  don't take your minestrone for granted, there may be someone out there who doesn't think they are allowed to have it.  you might want to share yours with them.  I know I do.

the minestrone was a hit - the teen liked it, but I Loved it!  I found myself wondering, though...are the two basically the same?  'Romani' Soup and minestrone?  this is the Moosewood recipe from Mollie Katzen:

3-4 Tbsp. olive oil
2 cups chopped onion
2 cloves crushed garlic
1/2 cup chopped celery
2 cups chopped, peeled sweet potatoes or winter squash (or a cup of each)
2 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. turmeric
1 tsp. basil
1 tsp. salt
Dash of cinnamon
Dash of cayenne
1 bay leaf
3 cups stock or water
1 cup chopped, fresh tomatoes (or substitute 1 can of tomatoes)
3/4 cup chopped sweet bell pepper
1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas
1 Tbs. tamari

In a large saucepan sautee onions, garlic, celery, and sweet potatoes in olive oil for about five minutes. Add seasonings except tamari, and the stock or water. Simmer, covered, fifteen minutes. Add remaining vegetables and chickpeas. Simmer another 10 minutes or so until all the vegetables are as tender as you like them.

Check salt. Add tamari if it could use a little more. Serve alongside cornbread or a crusty harvest bread.


and here is the recipe I used for the minestrone, from Brain Foods for Kids:

2 Tbs, olive oil
1 leek, sliced
1 carrot, finely chopped
1 stalk celery, finely chopped
3 green beans, finely sliced
1 quart vegetable bouillon
1 1/4 cups tomato puree
2 bay leaves
scant 1 cup pasta chapes
2/3 cup cannellini beans (drained & rinsed)
sprig of rosemary
salt & pepper to taste
grated parmesan to serve

heat the oil over medium heat, add the leek.  cook 5 minutes, stirring occasionally until tender.  add carrot, celery, and green beans, cook for another 5 minutes.  add bouillon, tomato puree, and bay leaves.  stir well, bring to a boil; then simmer, half covered, for 15 minutes.

remove and reserve the bay leaves, and puree the vegetables slightly (with a hand blender or food processor), so there are still some 'bits'.  put the bay leaves back in, add the pasta, beans, and rosemary, and bring to a boil.  reduce the heat slightly and cook for 10 minutes, or until the pasta is tender.  remove the bay leaves and rosemary, and season to taste.  serve with a sprinkle of parmesan.


nope, not the same at all.  different spices mixes, different beans, different veggies.  different tastes.  I'm learning, slowly...so what should I make next?  I'm a big fan of one-pot meals because they help my process by not being too complicated, and also simplifying clean-up.  maybe tomato soup or red sauce?  yes!  the third of the five French mother sauces!  within the past 5 years or so, probably through my voracious watching of movies procurable at my three closest local libraries, I became aware of these 'mother sauces', and their place in French cuisine.  not being much of a cook myself, let alone one who knows about things like 'mother sauces', I was happy to learn that my natural instinct towards accumulating knowledge for its own sake followed a path I didn't know was there to tread.  I doubt I'll follow it to its end, but the side steps are worth taking by virtue of being there.  so - the five French mother sauces:  bèchamel, velouté, sauce tomat, espagnole, and hollandaise.

I learned to make roux (butter and flour) one night when a friend's daughter asked to spend the night at my house, and my friend, incredulous that I had survived more than 30 years on this planet without having learned to make it before, not only wrote down her recipe for homemade macaroni & cheese, she cooked it for us for dinner so I would know how to make it for her daughter the next night.  and her daughter (who was maybe 10 or 11 at the time?) coached me through both the grocery-buying, and the cooking processes.  I believe it turned out ok.  so I can make a bèchamel sauce (roux and milk), and Mornay sauce (bèchamel with cheese), which is generally what one uses for the previously mentioned mac & cheese.  recently, I had a 'leftover' container of sour cream hanging around in my fridge -  I'd bought it for the latkes I didn't end up making for Hannukah - so in the interest of using it up before it went bad, I wondered if I could make a bèchamel sauce from it, since I didn't have any milk.  I didn't document the process, but I looked up something that brought me to a recipe for garlic cream sauce, which not only used up my sour cream, but some chicken broth I had, as well.  and I had lots of garlic.  win-win-win.  turns out roux and stock is the base for the second French mother sauce, veloutè.

wow, two of the French mother sauces have been butchered in my kitchen?  hell yes.  time to destroy a third...to be fair, my Mornay is passable, but I doubt my veloutè would have been exciting to anyone other than me.  not bad for a first try, for sure, but it was not a well-executed project (I can't even find the recipe, or remember what I had it with).  since there is probably little to no cause for me to even attempt either the espagnole or hollandaise sauces, and I do use jarred marinara frequently enough (and have thought about making my own, often enough), sauce tomat seems to follow the natural progression.  it turns out, 'sauce tomat' as specific to French cuisine consists of "salt pork belly, onions, bay leaves, thyme, tomatoes (or purée), roux (butter & flour), garlic, salt, sugar, pepper."  it also turns out I don't know squat about what we dismissively refer to as 'red sauce' in our house - a sauce which has a deeper and more involved global history that I would have taken the time to consider, before reaching the age where food has obviously taken the place of sex in my life, with no great compliment to Rodney Dangerfield for that joke...

ugh...so much more to learn, still!  I feel like my job Here is to fill my brain with as much random, esoteric knowledge as possible to be downloaded when 'what I was' returns to Void from The Circus, and it looks like that's going to be another post, entirely.  there was plenty of good cooking happening over the 'holiday season', even in my reluctant kitchen.  having covered the 'soup', here's the 'nuts' - the chocolate peanut smoothies didn't turn out that well, and unlike the teen, I'm not of the opinion that it was because I used almond butter instead.  the chocolate fondue, on the other hand, was Brilliant, and we devoured it with a whole quart of strawberries, and had plenty left over.  we found a way to top just about everything with it until it was gone.  I made French fries, just like dad used to make, which means cutting the potatoes up really thin, and frying them almost brown.  the teen loved those, too.  I did that thing where you take the leftover mashed potatoes, and whatever other leftover veggies there are, and mix them together with some egg and flour to make 'pancakes'...leftover veggie-potato pancakes, I guess.  for some reason, I want to think of them as a traditional Romani dish, but I don't know why.  they were quite yum, and the teen ate enough of them to make me feel like I get to add another gold star to my Jewish Mama holiday cooking playbook!

The Poor Gourmet

if there's one thing I totally don't have down, it's food.  I do my best in the kitchen, and have made some lovely things from time to time, but that is Not the norm, and I make up for my lack of food planning and preparing skills by being charming in other ways.  if you read along, you may have caught my recent posts about doing the Whole30 challenge, for what that was worth, and it was worth enough for me to start paying much closer attention to what I eat, and how it affects me.  also if you've been reading along, you may have noticed that I recently spent two weeks in Israel, where I ate an array of tasty foods in a number of venues!  for starters, knowing I was going away, I just served up whatever needed using up in the fridge before we left, so we ate a bunch of sandwiches from the deli, and pizza.  I had a burger before I left my house, knowing I wouldn't get a 'good American cheeseburger' overseas, then ended up getting just one more the next day at my mom's, because she had the same plan!

there's nothing good to say about Newark or the airline (United) at all, in terms of food (and other matters), so I'm just going to skip ahead to the first real Israeli meal we had, which was the breakfast buffet at the Artplus in Tel Aviv.  it was small, but everything I would expect from an Israeli buffet:  scrambled eggs, shakshuka, hard boils, greens, hummus, tchina, pastry, cereal, juices, salads, bread, coffee, tea.  everything was delicious but my hard boiled egg - the yolk was too green for me, and it affected the taste of the white.  we hit the road pretty quickly, only stopping for some ice cream and drinks for a snack/lunch before continuing on to the kibbutz we would be staying at for the next few days, where we were met with Israeli salad, and challah rolls.

our friends on the kibbutz had the best eggs!  fresh and delicious, with bright yellow yolks and creamy whites.  they were perfect hard boiled, scrambled, or as a thin, Israeli omelette.  there were plates of Israeli salad at every meal (tomato, cucumber, lettuce), cheeses, leben with oil, home-made challah rolls, olives, mango, watermelon...there was schnitzel - chicken pounded thin, breaded and fried to a golden crisp.  there were figs from the trees.  there was lunch out at the nearest roadside diner, an Arab place where we all had kebob, either beef or chicken, as well as the standard salad/hummus/tchina/pita spread (yay!  finally!), including Matbucha (the teen's first new love on this trip), pickles, olives, and some sort of coconut flan for dessert with the sweetest pink syrup I have ever tasted (along with the standard baklava, and other delights).

Netanya...what to say about Netanya?  we had a rough time there, and it wasn't the experience I wanted it to be.  we had dinner of a sort, eventually...the last pizza from under the heat lamps, hummus and pita from grocery store packages, a bottle of inexpensive red wine, and some ice pops.  breakfast wasn't much better, being pastry from the local gas station, in which I didn't take part.  lunch, when we finally got to it, was Caesar salad, and some hummus/pita/tchina.  then we headed down to Jerusalem where we checked in for a few days, and ate mainly at the hotel.

the hotel buffets were brilliant - like the one I described of the Artplus earlier, but much bigger.  the one at the Crowne Plaza was fantastic, with a coffee bar, breakfast bars, meat and veggie options in a wide variety, a salad bar, cheese bar, bread bar, drink options, and desserts aplenty!  I was feeling pretty good with my food choices so far, and being on vacation, I did choose to go a little wild, but the vast amounts of items on display made me take a step back, and make even more conscious choices than I had already been.  also, having the opportunity to see what my mom and son were choosing to eat gave me the ability to compare and contrast the fuel we were putting into our bodies, and how we performed throughout the day, energetically.

I basically stuck to protein and greens, with a bit of cheese and bread at each meal.  when things fell apart, and we turned to store-bought pizza, packaged chips and snacks, never mind the alcohol, moods and relations suffered.  a big bowl of greens always helps to get back on track (even those drowning sadly in dressing), and had me circling the salad bar at every meal.  on the street it was felafel, lemonade, baglach with za'atar, seltzer, chips (fries), schwarma, and Caesar salad.  we had a sort-of fancy meal at the Israel Museum...it had been a busy day, and though we didn't do much, the little we did involved a great deal of effort, and left us tired, so when we got to the museum, we got my mom a wheel chair, and pulled her up to a table in the fancier of the two cafes there were to choose between.  she ordered a glass of the house wine, and we took our time over a well-prepared meal before heading out to explore the grounds and exhibits.

out to dinner on the mall with a friend was more Caesar salad and cups of ice cream, followed by a casual Israeli breakfast prepared by the same friend, and we were off to Masada in the desert, where we had more felafel and schwarma!  after a dip in the Dead Sea, it was pizza for dinner, and another amazing hotel buffet breakfast to sustain us through a morning on the beach, and the ride back to Jerusalem where we lunched at the Elvis American Diner on our way to Tel Aviv.  as per the norm, the hotel in Tel Aviv had a life-sustaining breakfast buffet, but for two nights, we ordered in tacos, and had the one schwarma lunch that we walked to and from, dragging my poor mom along because she needed to eat, too.

then we had the last leg of our trip at another fancy hotel, with breakfast buffets, and room service, because we were just too done in to get dressed to a level to feel presentable enough for the restaurant after a few days on the beach.  then up and out - from breakfast buffet, to the airport, with airline food generally a non-mentionable, we found ourselves back in the States, having pizza delivered for dinner, and diner breakfasts of eggs, bacon, toast, home fries, and one chicken Caesar salad for a certain growing teenager.  back home to frozen pizza.  grocery run, and a protein salad, then more pizza, ice cream, and nachos.  then that sick feeling I get when I've overdone it, but much milder.  manageable.  I put on about 6 pounds while I was eating hummus and pita like a fetishist, but there's no way in hell I wasn't going to enjoy that food while I was in the Middle-East!

when I got home, I made a batch of mayo to mix with the batch of ketchup I made so I could have the Russian dressing I grew up with on my protein salad yesterday (was it yesterday?  I'm still not sure what day it is) - mayo/ketchup/red wine vinegar.  I bought some fresh greens (basil, parsley) for the chicken salad I thought I'd make (there was a pouch of schwarma-flavored 'instant marinade' we were fooled into buying at the store), so maybe there could be pesto?  and I want to make at least one 'decent meal' this week, by which I mean 'a proper dinner'.  if I can only stay awake long enough to cook it...

I must remember to eat.  I must remember to cook.

I did make the chicken schwarma, which was, as we knew it would be, a joke.  the food alone is reason enough to move to Israel...but that's another subject for a post about how I want to 'live differently', that I'm turning 50, and it's time for something new.  I need to make some moves.  why not a different language in the old country?  it's not like I can't come back - or even go somewhere else from there!

egg for breakfast, schwarma chicken salad for lunch, pita/oil/za'atar, too.  can we talk about the pita?  the pita we buy in the bakery section at the local store?  it's horrible, no?  I don't even know what to say...and the schwarma, with that chemical-spice-taste that's not 'spice' per se, but chemical burn in a pouch.  it's not even a flavor, it's just...burn.

and ice cream, and more ice cream.  with whipped cream, as well (of course).  and chicken parm from the pizza place (we miss the schnitzel).  but then there was more protein salad, and apples and honey for the holiday.  and chocolate.  ugh...

the fact that's it's chilly and grey out is kind of bullshit, too, actually...after sunny summer beach weather, I'm about done with the cold and rainy, even though it's a relief to the NYers, because they've had hazy, hot, and humid misery while we were enjoying the gorgeous Mediterranean.  also, I bought summery salad foods at the store, and now I want chili, which I don't have the ingredients for!  GAHH!!!