Thursday, February 10, 2011

Warning: Adult Content

So, I was visiting with the neighbors the other day, and the male of the pair decided to play his new favorite song for me to introduce me to the kind of music he listens to - yeah, it's rap.  Now, I have nothing against any form of music, even if I don't like it, but I've heard some really good, inspirational, deep and moving social commentary in the form of rap, and by comparison, what the neighbor played was nothing of the sort.  HowEVER - having said that, I must admit that the VIDEO that went with the song was very...arousing, and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for days.  So much so, that I had to write down the fantasy my mind constructed around it just to get it out of my head!  It sort of worked...I've been able to think and do things that don't involve sex for a few minutes, now, but it's also that time of year that my sex drive tends to rev itself right up, and send me spiraling into juicy daydreams of free love and frequent couplings.  I'm not talking about love, here, kids, I'm talking about sex.  If you're easily offended, or a prude, stop reading now - I don't know how messy this is going to get, and you may even need to get yourself a shwag towel if you choose to continue, but I'm not making any promises.

Sex is sex.  Sex is not love.  I am in no way confusing one for the other, and neither should you.  I have love in my life - my child, my friends, they love me.  Sometimes I even think my family loves me, but there's no confirming that, so I leave it out.  Right now, I'm not having any sex.  In fact, I haven't had sex since New Year's Eve 2010.  That's a year and two months, which is a long stretch for an old hellcat like myself.  The last time I went this long without sex, I had just had a baby, and was too busy to think about anything besides diapers, breastfeeding, laundry and sleep.  I had sex a few times during my pregnancy, and by the time my boy was a year old, I had found myself a single dad to play with - score!  Unfortunately, the guy decided he would rather be an asshole than in a relationship - but he was a fantastic lover (for me) and I still think fondly of the time we spent together in the sheets.  My physical attraction to him was/is so powerful, that I often use his likeness as the subject of my fantasies, even though there's no way in holy hell I'd ever be with a guy like him again - this attraction, as I said and at this point, is purely physical.  He wasn't relationship material, and I not only slammed that door, I bolted and chained it as well.  So what set me off on a jean-creaming porn frenzy?  The hot dude in the bad rap video closely resembles my erstwhile lover, and depicts the sort of 'fuck me 'til it hurts' approach we unmade our beds with after our respective little angels had played, eaten, bathed, and gone to sleep.  Ooh, those nights...

...anyway, in the interest of doing something with my days other than watching crappy rap videos and movies featuring skinheads having sex, I wrote down and added this new fantasy to the list of short stories I keep in the folder marked 'Porn', and attempted to get on with my life.  Here I am attempting - how am I doing?  Yeah, not so well.  I'm still visualizing the guy in the video, my old lover, another well known actor, and a lesser known porn-star too many times per day, making me all too aware of the impending rutting season.  Mama needs some blue eyes and a buzz-cut, STAT!!!  Give him a few tattoos and put him in some leather, while we're at it!  Oh, I need to calm down again, I almost typed the word 'Harley'...oops.  Needless to say, I looked up my horoscope to keep myself off (sorry, not gonna put in a hyperlink, copy and paste if you can't bring yourself to type it) - what?  What do you do?  Think about baseball?  How very 1950 of you...  Here's what it said:

{When some Westerners hear the term "tantra," they think it's a New Age codeword for lavish sex. But in its original form, tantra is a philosophy that advocates spiritual union with all of creation, not just erotic union with an attractive partner. Tantric practitioners might engage in metaphorical "love-making" with lizards, birch trees, clouds, toasters, rivers, and quirky friends, among other wonders. I recommend that you experiment with this perspective, Aquarius. I bet you'll find that cultivating lusty compassion for the entire world will enhance your personal intimacy with the people you care about. Happy Valentine Daze!

What advice would be useful for your love life? Not this observation by The Simpsons' creator Matt Groening: "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." Do not, under any circumstances, make those your words to live by. Instead, consider the following counsel from Norman Mailer: "Love asks us that we be a little braver than is comfortable, a little more generous, a little more flexible. It means living on the edge more than we care to."}

...umm...Come On, Lusty Compassion!  Better than cultivating ice weasels.

Oh, and I highly recommend Rob Brezsny's amazing horoscopes, they're the only ones I read!

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Recently, I've been having these strange dreams involving my ex, a high school friend, and labyrinthine wanderings...

The first one seemed to be at my friend's house, where I've never been, so it must have been a construct of what I thought a Home should be - which seemed a warm and happy space with friends gathered and enjoying each other's company.  A group of people were hanging out waiting to go somewhere or do something (it's been more than a week since this one, and I didn't write it down).  The ex and I were flirting, and I felt that flippy butterfly feeling in my stomach as we found corners to hide behind and kiss where the rest of the folks couldn't see us.  It was nice to see him smiling, and making eyes at me (even if it was a dream).  It must have been a snowstorm, and he and his crew were all geared up and about to go out and do what they do, and maybe we were all hunkering down to wait the storm out, and were feeding them and wishing them well, as we wouldn't be seeing them for a few days.  I'm not sure why this particular girlfriend was the one who's house we were at...she and ex have never inhabited the same physical space, and have no connection to each other.

Last night, I dreamt that the same girlfriend and I (and some other chick I didn't know) were wandering through the mostly abandoned hallways of some old university, climbing out windows and sliding down construction tarps to crawl through holes between walls to get to a space where there was a party going on.  I think my ex had been hanging out with us, but went on to the party while we met up with my cousin who showed up with the dog she had when I was I kid, and I couldn't believe she was still alive (she would have been almost 40!), but I hugged and loved her nonetheless (the dog, not the cousin).  We didn't quite know where the party was, so this other chick showed us how to get there - along this bizarrely circuitous route.  She was running ahead, and we were trying to keep up, but we lost her, at which point it turned out my friend knew the way and we got there regardless, just along what we thought was a unnecessarily long detour.  When we found the party, ex was there, hanging out by himself looking surly, and I went to him and reminded him of how he was like this character in a movie he turned me on to, except for the part where the dude in the movie got shot.  He seemd edgy or uneasy, but I reminded him of how much he had taught me, and how much there still was to learn.  He seemed doubtful, but I adored him all the more as he threw an arm over my shoulder in that way that guys have to show they've 'claimed' you, and held me like something he had a responsibility to protect, and was concerned about his ability to do so.  Or rather, his ability to continue to want to. 

Wonder what's up with this?  Why that high school girlfriend?  What does she represent to me?  She's adorable, perky, was a good student involved in activities, had an active social life, and a good group of tight friends.  There was some stuff going on at home with her parents, but nothing out of the ordinary, and while we lost touch for many years, she seems to have a good life going for her now, with a career, a good husband, wonderful kids, and a heart that just seems to get bigger and fills me with respect for her values.  Obviously, I don't know what goes on with her behind closed doors (we're not that close), but she's got to be representative (in my dream) of some sort of ideal, right?  A motherly influence, maybe?  An example to live by? 

And what about ex?  I adore him - always have - but why am I dreaming of him in a romantic way?  Is it him I really want, or just the idea of who I want him to be?  And what does that mean, anyway?  He can only be who he is, and he's never pretended to be anything but that, so am I romanticising him?  Because I'm so lonely?  Sex-starved?  This kid I knew once said that I 'couldn't keep a man', and while I was highly insulted by his statement, I thought to myself, "is it that I can't, or that I've never really had one worth keeping?"  If I wanted to keep one, I would have, right?  Maybe it's just that the men I've been with have no intentions of keeping me, either.  At this point in my life, I'm not sure it's even possible anymore - I'm so used to being alone, and being in charge of my own things, I'm not rightly sure I could even share.  Especially when it comes to my kid...

These dreams have got me thinking, though I'm not sure about what.  What I'm missing?  What I lack?  What I want?  Who I want it with?  Either way, it's got the ex on my mind, and how good things were when they were good.  I miss being in love with someone worth my affection, though I don't miss being hurt by someone I chose to trust.  Maybe I'm just thinking about how much better things could have been if we'd been able to work through the bullshit, but were too naive to know how, or that it was even worth the effort.  Again, that's on me - I have no idea how he feels, and it's not a subject we discuss.  Besides, I believe in there being more than what we had - a true partnership on a multitude of levels, and that's what I seem to be holding out for.  A synergetic partnership that would heighten the levels of both our awareness.  And my need to be non-monogamous - my dream of having two husbands and a wife - how does that come to be?

Saadi of Shiraz, a Sufi author from the 13th century once wrote:  When a man's sleep is better than his waking - It is better that he should die.  Why these dreams remind me of this saying, I could guess - but dying now, while my son is just a wee lad would suck beyond all reason.  Perhaps, as is the point of mysticism, if looked at figuratively, what I can surmise from this connection in my head is that I should be taking steps to create the waking life that I want for myself rather than living in these nebulous dreams.