Sunday, May 31, 2009


Got my timestamp back, but lost my photo, and links! Really frustrating - maybe I should just try another template or something...

Vacation Rocks!

It's true, I am on vacation! All that means, really, is that I don't have to go to work for a month. I still have a ton of stuff to do at home, which is where we will be spending the majority of our time...For starters, I am going to pick up BF at the bus station on the 2nd, in return for which, he will be enlisted to help me stain and assemble the boy's new bedroom furniture, and help paint my kitchen! And anything else I can think of..! We went up to the Adirondacks this weekend so the boy could ride a Really Useful Engine, and have 'a day out' with one of his favorite chartacters - what a blast! I ate like a pig all weekend, and didn't care a flying fig how much I weighed. That said, I do intend to spend some of my time off evaluating my eating habits, and seeing where and how I could stand to improve, as well as begin an exercise regime.

Also in the works is a trip up to the North Country to visit old friends and the boy's dad - I'm really looking forward to that! It was so nice to be up in the Adirondacks where my cell phone didn't work, and there was significantly less residual noise from the outside world. Made me miss Vermont...but we are happy to be home, nonetheless.

I'm really considering switching back to the classic template, because the time stamp thing is bothering me THAT MUCH! It really is...I'm not kidding. I posted the question on the help forum, but no one has gotten back to me on it. Yet.

I will be starting another blog, probably in July, called At the Core, which will be the work-blog. All things of interest worth sharing that go on in the life and times of our little store, please tune in!

O.k., I'm really tired from all this rest and relaxation, so I'll have to catch up on here another time. Catch ya later -

Sunday, May 24, 2009

3 Day Weekend!

So I guess the scale is possessed, or it was just mad at me or something, because today it only says 220lbs., but I know I didn't try to lose any weight, so I probably didn't. Must just have been on the rag, and retaining ALOT of water!

->Guys, you may want to skip ahead to the *!
Speaking of the rag, I've discovered the amazing device known as The DivaCup...ladies, this thing is amazing! Rid yourselves of the cotton rats that are harmful to both our bodies and the environment (not to mention those evil pads with 'blue cores', whatever the hell that substance is, I don't even want to know!) and step up to The DivaCup! You can do it, I know you can adapt your monthly flow to the 21 century - it's time to think about upgrading. This device was 'invented' in the 1930's, and recently 'redesigned' due to the availability of medical-grade silicon. If you want to read up on the science and such, check out their website,, and tell me what you think! I will be honest, you can't be squeamish about sticking your hand 'up in there', or about your own menstrual blood, but, come on girls, get with the program! It's your body, and given the things that we've most of us managed to push out of 'there', I think we ought to be able to brave this small change that can bring BIG change - financial, and environmental (and your houseplants will thank you for the nitrogen boost, if you can take it that far - ask me, I'll tell you how)....

Back to our regularly scheduled, when I used to weight train, our formula for figuring goal weight was 100 lbs. for 5 feet of height for women, and 5 lbs. for every inch over - which would put my 'goal' at 110 lbs.. I'm 40 yrs. old, and have had a kid, so I'll add 20 lbs., and call it 130. That puts me in line for 90 lbs. of weight loss. Wow. That's quite a bit...more than I thought, actually. If I set small goals for myself, which I think is a wise idea, say around 10 lbs. a month, I should get there in less than a year. Less than a year seems a worthy amount of time to dedicate to the goal of a healthier lifestyle, doesn't it? Again, I have all the information I need, it's just down to me actually choosing to use it. Wish me luck!

The men, the wonderful men! Do you see how I switched to the plural there? It was 'guy', now it's 'men'. I love men...the guy I am breathlessly awaiting has been oddly silent, but he's got a lot going on right now. I don't take it as anything personal. And I'm not just waiting around, either - I continue to flirt shamelessly with anyone who shows an interest, as I like to keep at least a few on deck. Hey, a girl's gotta keep her mojo mojo-ing, right? (With credit to M on that one, who I'm sure has not lost his) I gotta stay in the game! Hell, I'm only 40, I look great (if fat), I've got a great kid, a job, my own place, and a car - not looking for much more than a booty call, with the option of dinner and movie every now and then. What's not to love?

The kid is great, looking forward to vacation as much as I am. Hope I saved up enough money to spoil him just a little bit this summer...he deserves it. He really is such a good little munchkin, and I suppose some of it is just the age, but I couldn't ask for anything more - not that I would! He is perfect and wonderful, and I only hope I'm not ruining him!

Work is going o.k., A got spoken to about her disrespectful behaviors, and she's managed to rein herself in a bit, and gone back to being the lovable but dopey old lady who manages to screw up every transaction she's called upon to execute. I've handled a few complaints about her this week alone, and had to bail her out several times during various tasks, but mostly at the register. She just doesn't get it. But at least she's realized that I'm only trying to help both her and our customers...and we're down to 4 DAYS LEFT IN THE SEASON! With the holiday weekend, I get Monday off because there's no school, and I have to go in a bit late on Friday, so in my mind, I'm pretty much done anyway! I still have to work those 4 days, but 99% of the daily pressures are off - no orders to be placed or received, no reason to do much stocking or work on displays, not much going on in the way of wholesale or special orders...just toss the rotten produce, and start cleaning up! Yaay! Of course, July is a different story, but I'm SOO not there, yet - farmer's markets, painting the store, inventory and all that...not my problem for another whole month! BIG sigh of relief!

BF sent a letter asking me to pick him up at the bus station on June 2nd, and I said sure, as long as you help me out with a few things around the house when you get here, and I haven't heard from him since! Maybe the fact that I threw in a little quid pro quo angered him, and he wrote one of his stupid little ho's and asked them instead, because they'd do it for nothing, but I've been helping him try and get out from under his trouble for WAY too long now, and I'm sick of just getting more of the same from him. From now on, I'm getting for what I give! He doesn't like it? Let him figure it out himself. I've got things to do...sad to say, but he's a grown man, and I have an actual child, now, someone who needs me in a very real way. It hurts to sort-of dump him like that, and I'm sure he's mad, but enough's enough already! Time to grow up and deal... and I'm not even really dumping him, just asking that he give a little back, that's all. Seems fair to me...

Anything else? I guess that pretty much covers it, for now. Must not squander the 3-day weekend by actually relaxing and taking it easy - need to get out and do, while I have the chance! Need some home improvement supplies so I can hit the ground running when June rolls in, and get the regular weekend-type stuff done...laundry, dishes, housekeeping, et al. Fair thee well, fellow bloggers, "Smile Like You Mean It"!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Going Public...

You know, even though I write as if I'm addressing an audience, it didn't actually occur to me that I might be! So here I am, blogging away, talking to myself, and people actually commented, much to my chagrin...funny! Well, it's too late for this tonight, I really just wanted to see if I managed to fix the date header thingy...

* I see that it is still...undefined *

Sunday, May 17, 2009

And where the hell is my time stamp?

What's up with this 'undefined undefined' bullshit?

OMG!!! Soo confusing...and, on being a fatass.

Jeez, this thing keeps changing on me, and I'm not sure I'm keeping up...Why is it doing that? Why must it mock me in my ineptidude? I'm too fragile to be outsmarted by something I could solder together least, I think I could...I soldered together that radio in 1979, the one I got for Hannukah.

So, I'm here, I should say something, right? Lessee...I'M TOO FAT! Whiny bitch, I know, but let's explore - I went out and bought a bathroom scale, why? Because I felt like torturing myself, I guess. Because New Guy will (hopefully) be 'here' in the Fall, and I want to lose some weight before he sees me and is disgusted by the incredible growth of my girth since last we met 15 years or so ago...and, it's unhealthy.

In high school, I was too skinny, weighing in at a mere 104 lbs. when I graduated. At college, the 'freshman 15' actually filled me out, and put a few curves into my figure. I stopped keeping track after that, because I was healthy enough in body, mind and spirit to not care. Guess I should have cared...I don't remember any specific weight in terms of numbers, after that, but I knew I was gaining as I grew out of my clothes. I remained active by going out dancing, taking the bellydance, Tae Kwon Do, and yoga classes I always had. The major change must have been my diet, because I remember countless nights of dinner at the evil giant eMpire my boyfriend favored (god, it's so hard to believe I ever actually ate that stuff!). I remember losing 20 lbs. after we broke up with no effort at all...boy was HE sorry! I must have been 130-140 at that time.

When I got pregnant, in 2003 at age 35, I weighed in at 166 lbs.. I put on a healthy amount of weight for a normal person, but probably a bit too much for a potential fatass like myself. When I was ready to give birth, I weighed in at 197 lbs.! I couldn't believe it - I was so glad I was about to jettison the child, and the fluids he had been swimming in, before I had ballooned up to 200! I had narrowly avoided my worst nightmare by only 3 lbs.! Keep in mind, I am only 5'2"...

I can't even believe I'm sharing this horrendous information on the relative density of my spare tire(s), but here we are, and I'm gonna go for it - I know you won't judge. So, I bring the newly purchased scale into my bathroom, lay it on the floor, step on it, and have a near-death experience as I read the number on the dial. I knew I was getting pretty big, but this was a shock - a BIG shock! Are you ready? I'm not sure I am, but here goes...230 lbs.! 230! Can you belive it?! I can't...the little girl who swore she'd never break 100, is 230 lbs.! That's 33 lbs. more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant! Not to mention, I lost all the baby weight and more, thanks to the magic of breastfeeding - and here it all was, back on, plus 33 more! WTF?!

So I'm officially a fatass. I don't know what to think about that, really. I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm sexy, and funny, and smart, and all kinds of other cool things, but I'm FAT! I don't want to be fat anymore. More importantly, I want to be a better example of a healthy individual for my son. I buy organic, or locally grown food (I work on a farm, for god's sake!), and I make sure to feed my child fruits, vegetables and whole grains, but I never eat breakfast or lunch, snack on crap all day at work, and after my son goes to bed, I chow down every sweet thing I can get my hands on because I am missing companionship in my life. So there it is. The truth. Laid out for all who care to see. And I no longer exercise. How's that for a coup? I have been given this wonderful gift, and I treat it like less-than-shit. Just who the hell do I think I am?

So. Time to get healthy? Yes. I have all the tools necessary to embark on this noble quest, and yet, I still find that I lack motivation. Can you believe it? With all that evidence staring back at me from the mirror, I STILL have not managed to change even ONE THING about how I treat myself! I suck. I worse than suck! But beating myself up for being a lazy fatass won't get me anywhere either, so what do I do? Post it on my blog, and see if THAT manages to motivate me? Worth a shot...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Really long post!

Enough about the guy, for now, we're getting in way over our heads with so many miles and so much time still between us before we even get to maybe see each other depending on what happens...Who knows? Maybe he won't come back, maybe he'll meet someone there? Maybe he'll get back with ex-wife? Maybe he'll just follow whatever path he is choosing for himself and it won't end up including me? Who's to say...I just don't want to get all invested in something and then have it not work out, like my heart isn't broken enough already! But then I think I'm doing myself a disservice by putting anything but the most excellent energy into my thoughts about him. If I believe with all my heart that this is the right thing, and I put only good and happy energy towards my thoughts about him and us, than what I get out of it will be goodness and happiness, right? Seems to why the fence-sitting?

The kid is driving me insane. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than life itself, but if Grandma could take him for a week or something (or, dare I say, his DAD?), that would make me just about the happiest mommy on the planet! I don't want to be one of those whiny bitches who cries about how hard life is all the time, I just want a break every once in awhile! I know there are people out there alot worse off than I am, and I should feel blessed for all I have, and I do! But everyone who claims to be any sort of expert on parenting always says, "take a break to take care of yourself, and you'll be a better mommy". I sure would like to get a chance to follow that advice!

Work is so goddamned slow, and my co-worker A is being SUCH a pain in my ass, that I wish the season were over yesterday! Maybe it's because I've never had a long-term job that I seem to have all these problems with my co-workers, but why do they have to be so MEAN to me? I'm so sick of being judged, or spoken down to by kids less than half my age, or generally treated like I'm irrelevant, or that my contribution to the daily workings on the farm are insignificant. I do my fair share of nothing this time of year, but I also do ALL the handling of everything that needs to be handled! And in the busy season? I do more than anyone - whose not a member of the immediate family - to keep that place doing what it does! And I get treated like crap for it? By a person whose contribution IS, actually, somewhat irrelevant? Ten more working days 'till season's end...I'll try to hold on!

I have to temper that previous paragraph by saying how much I really enjoy most of our customers - and the teenagers I get to work with. The kids (N and J) are really just awesome, and I love being a small part of their lives! The folks who come in every day, or every week, that I have developed a familiarity with are really what makes me keep coming back. Well, that, and my paycheck! I love the sense of community, getting to know these people, and again, getting to be a small part of their lives. The things I learn from people in our brief interactions are so important to me - who's husband died, who's having hip replacement surgery, who's bringing apples to their daughter's college graduation, it's all so meaningful to me - the one who's been so transient, and is trying to learn how to settle down and be a part of something...It's better than when I was a bartender, because the goods I'm selling are so much healthier! I love talking to people, and if I can help them smile - even better!

Things are kind of out of control, for a change, at home...I still have piles of stuff that need to be dealt with everywhere, boxes I haven't unpacked yet, though we moved in almost a year ago. Dishes still take over the kitchen on a regular basis, laundry overflows from hampers, paperwork grows into towers, the toilet grows god-knows-what, some new life form I'll probably have to start feeding soon....I bought a tv stand about 2 months ago - still in the box! My son's new bedroom furniture? Still in the box! Am I attending to these things on my oh-so-precious to me day off? Not! I want to sleep in, relax, do my own thing, catch up on my everything gets neglected. I FEEL like I'll get a chance to catch up on everything during my month off, but I KNOW that won't happen unless I make and follow a strict plan to get it done. Guess how good I am at making and following strict plans? Go on, guess! Yeah, not so good! Sigh. Well, they say the first step is admitting you have a problem, but they don't say what happens if that is the only step you are willing to take! Ah, now I'm whining again! Maybe I should just go do some of those dishes...!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

the guy, the kid, the job, the BF, the garden...

This dude's gonna kill me...I tell ya, he's gonna be the death of me! Our worlds colliding will be like a super-nova! It's amazing to be having this conection with him, it's really exciting and scary and nice...Anyway, I'm still too goddamned fat to deal, and getting fatter every day, oh what to do? How to stop the madness?

The kid is so freakin' cute, it's unreal! He did this cool little hand thing the other night when looking at a picture of his dad doing a hand had to see it, but it was one of those moments when a kid just makes everything good, and you giggle because it is so pure, and just right.

Blossom Bash today, seemed like it went o.k.. Got there late-ish, checked everything out, but missed the balloon, try earlier tomorrow.

Got a letter from BF, 4 weeks left 'till HE gets home, hopefully! Maybe at least I'll have some company...

Rained all week, sun came out this afternoon. Bed looks lush, got some violas to put in. Never finished raking the lawn, but now that bad neighbors are gone, maybe I will! Try and clean up on that side quick, before someone moves in...

Did no writing this week, I've been wanting to right new guy a letter, get away from the recycled porn - but BF needs a letter more than new guy. That's two letters. Got a new phone that takes decent pics, I guess, got a good shot today of the boy...wouldn't use it for anything real, though. And of course, new guy wants pics of me, which presents a whole new challenge...

Anyway, enough for now, I'm tired as always!

Friday, May 1, 2009


Sitting here in the midst of transfering all my 'data' from old cell phone, to computer and new cell phone. Big fun...while typing on my blog. It's interesting to me how my hobbies became outmoded, and with all my staunch denial of the death of my genres, here I am coming to a head with it. Sort of. I still want to write a book, I still want to photograph - which is different than blogging and digital imaging. And I am sitting in a pile of technology, zipping bits and bytes across my bed from device to even smaller device...