so sick of white america

written November 17, 2020 ~

I could have gone to Mavis Discount Tire in Kingston on Saturday for two new tires, but I wanted to wait until Monday to give Walt (my regular mechanic) a chance to do the work, because I prefer to give my money to small local businesses rather than large corporations.  

I could have driven the 30 minutes into Kingston to sit in Mavis' heated waiting area (in a comfortable chair) while they worked on my car instead of having to walk a mile up the road in the cold to the closest country store (and back), where the only place to sit is outside, since their small dining area is closed due to the pandemic.  

I could have paid Mavis $150 to do the work instead of the $200 Walt charged me, because they can afford to drop their prices (several times) in order to appease me because I'm poor, and tires are expensive.  

I could have made an appointment with Mavis so I knew how long the work would take, and therefore have a window within which to schedule my day, but I chose to drop my car off with Walt at 9:30am, who still didn't have the work done by 11:30am after I had walked the mile to the country store, drank a cup of hot chocolate, walked around and looked at all the items for sale to kill time before walking over to the Dollar General to do the same, then walking the mile back to Walt's where all he'd managed to do was get my car up on the lift.  

if I'd gone to Mavis, the work would have been done in less than the two hours it took Walt to get my car up on the lift, after which I still had to stand around outside for at least 30 more minutes before he finally offered for me to sit in his office and read his newspaper while he and his buddies loudly spouted their pro-fascist political agendas and blamed 'those Jews' in the government for 'stealing' the election for Biden citing the "damn kids who have never worked a day in their lives and think they're so smart to have made up that mail-in voting thing" in order to overthrow their naked emperor.  

if I had gone to Mavis, I wouldn't have had to storm back out into the cold to avoid having to hear any more of it.  

when Walt presented me with bill, I looked him dead in the eye when I told him I would be paying it with my hard-working Jewish 16 year old's card, because I've been out of work for months due to his naked emperor's poor pandemic response that now has us in a third wave of hospitalizations and deaths (I was the only one in or around the shop wearing a mask, including the cop who stopped in), and that he might want to check to make sure there wasn't a Jew sitting in his office the next time he chose to spew his racist hatred.  

if I had gone to Mavis, I wouldn't now be sitting here regretting every single dollar I ever paid Walt, which is a considerable amount given the number of years I've been patronizing him, and wondering if I should simply have asked him to remove the tires, refund our money, and get Mavis to do the work (again) after all.  

would it have bothered me as much if I didn't just email my son's English teacher yesterday to address his use of the word "gyp" in a story he was telling the class?  or the woman in the fitness group who deleted me when I told her that her 'joke' about threatening to sell her children to the 'Gypsies' when they didn't do what she said wasn't in any way funny to someone like myself, whose own father was kidnapped from his Romani mother (Romani people don't steal children - in Europe, they often have their own children stolen from them by various government agencies for little to no reason other than being Roma)?  yes...yes it would.  

even as a provisional white person (acceptable to whites until they find out I'm a Romani Jew), it's a rare day that passes without some form of attack on my ethnicity/tribal affiliation/historic homeland (I think of myself more as a cultural Israeli/genetic member of the tribe of Judah than as a religious Jew).  when will this madness end?

Aliyah-versary

 y'all, my artistic practice has been all pent up inside of me for most of a year now, and it's making me sad and angry.  I stare at the plastic bin filled with the art supplies I deemed too important to part with and dream about things I left behind, like the driftwood I collected from the Esopus River that came to live in a wicker basket woven by my son during a homeschool workshop.  I miss my pile of fabric and bags of yarn, yet don't write in my journal, blog, knit, or sew.  I did start a collage and immediately realized I didn't have any glue, so it's been on hold until I had the cash to buy the glue, and now that I have it, it's been sitting on the table waiting for me to find the time to use it.  and I can't even tell you how much I want to order loops to weave potholders with, but I simply can't buy another thing other than rent, electricity, and food until my finances begin to stabilize, which I don't see happening any time soon as I can't seem to find a job at which I can succeed.  

I've been here in Israel for a whole year now, and I'm living the same life I've lived everywhere I've been - in a small apartment, hopping from one relatively unskilled low-wage job to another, and existing paycheck to paycheck.  the only difference is that I have no people here, so it's extra lonely, and I don't speak/understand the language all that well.  I'm still living out of my suitcases and surrounded by unopened boxes of chachkis and decor that I have no place to display or store, and I'd really love to begin the process of furnishing my tiny space so that it can feel slightly less...temporary?  like I'm not just idling here, waiting for my real life to begin?  I want to feel more settled and comfortable so I can relax.  I did buy a bookshelf, which helped a bit, and I was hoping to invest in a clothes rack with my next paycheck, but...it's just going to have to wait.  

the first job I landed, a few months after I got here, was as an assistant in a 'gan', which is like kindergarten but the kids were younger, and my role was to help a little English boy who barely spoke a word of Hebrew to fit in and get along well enough to start learning.  when the school year ended in June I stayed on for 'keetanah' during July, which is sort of like summer camp, though I didn't see much difference in the way we operated - it was just another month at the gan.  then it turned out that all public childcare activities in Israel cease during August, so I scrambled to get another job quickly as not to be unemployed.  so I worked as a 'mitapelet' - a caregiver - for an English woman in her 80's, but it was only 21 hours a week and paid less than the gan, which I soon realized wasn't going to cover my rent, let alone anything else.  the agency I worked for told me I could add more clients and get more hours, but they didn't have any clients who needed me in the afternoons, as my main person claimed all my morning hours.  the fact was that the lady I was working for was going to need a live-in caregiver soon enough, so I'd be out of the job anyway, and to be honest, nice as she and her family were, it wasn't for me.  

so I got a job at another gan during September and October, but it didn't work out because the person I worked with didn't like me, and told the owner it was me or her, and seeing as how she had been there for 3 years, I was let go.  for the first two weeks of November I ran around to job agencies, interviews, and job fairs, and was quickly employed with a telemarketing company selling visas and job platforms to people who want to immigrate to Canada and the US.  while I'd worked in sales before - door to door, on the phone, and in art galleries - I neither enjoyed, nor did well at it, and this was no different.  I'd much rather be weaving potholder sets to sell at craft markets along with other cool arty things I enjoy making, but I don't have the money to live on while building up a business at the moment.  and I don't understand Hebrew well enough to go out on my own yet, anyway - the laws here are fairly particular, and I'm not currently equipped to start dealing with them.  back in the US, I was working in peer support in the homeless shelter system, which paid a livable wage - here in Israel, that's mostly a volunteer position.  I thought I had gotten lucky when the office of immigration here recently invited me to an advanced language class for social workers, but I chose to drop out of after three classes because it was above my current level of understanding, then the class was cancelled due to low enrollment.

adaptable as I am, it's hard for me to live in a city, even one I've loved all my life.  I do still hope that in the coming years I manage to find myself in a different kind of community - one that feeds my soul more.  I hope I can manage to find myself in a more rural area, doing a job I can believe in, though I realize I have a great deal of building to do to get there, and I'm not sure I'll survive to see that day.  I did manage to connect with a social worker who helped me get an appointment with a dental hygienist, something I've been trying to accomplish since a month or so after I got here and hadn't succeeded with yet.  I've had limited success in dealing with the health care system in general, and find it more frustrating than supportive (again - language barrier).  I still haven't quite managed to figure out the pharmacy though I do seem to have somehow been getting my prescription medication more regularly.  they'd like me to do more tests, see more specialists, and take more drugs but I'm resistant, so they have me marked down as 'low compliance' on my paperwork which I find hysterical, insulting, and problematic.  I mean, I think I have a right to have as strong a say in my own healthcare as my doctors, and screw them if they think I'm going to follow them blindly down paths that don't feel good to me.

I'd like - along with living in a more rural environment because I think they go hand in hand - to find where all the herbalists and natural healers are around here.  like, where is the alternative community?  skate punks, rock and rollers, musicians and magic makers?  where are my people?  I was recently contacted by a tarot group I used to belong to back when we were all in covid lockdown and it's one of the many things reminding me that all my little altar items that help me feel grounded, protected, and supported are all still boxed up waiting to have a place to call home.  and while the possible resurgence of the tarot group may be fun, they're all in the States and so the meetings will be via zoom at 2am for me.  and who knows how any of the people in that group feel about Jews and/or Israel?  does it matter?  should it?  when or how would it come up?  I guess we'll just have to see.

I did come across a women's group that seems to do some deep work around ancient Jewish matriarchs, our mothers from the bible stories, and I'd love to go experience one of their circles, but it's yet another thing I need to feel more confident in my language skills to navigate in a way that feels more connecting than frustrating.  if I could even afford to attend one of the workshops and manage to figure out how to get to the place where the events are held, I'm sure it will be another one of those moments of freedom and opening that reminds me how everything happens just the way it's supposed to, and we all get where we're meant to go...eventually.  there is some cosmic way that my years of wandering in and out of prosperity through various locales and cultures of academia and wage slavery while recording my journey in writings, sketches, crafts, jewelry, sacred objects, ritual spaces, photography, collage, and digital images will culminate in a series of writing workshops where people work together finding the many ways our stories are holy and how sharing them can uplift us all - I just haven't found it yet.

most days I just want to give up, lie down, and die already.  what Earthly good am I doing?  I've spent the last week and a half - including my birthday - basically laying in bed, watching old tv shows on pirate websites, ignoring the fact that I probably won't have enough money to cover my rent next month, let alone pay the bills or buy food.  and what will I do then?  will I be able to afford a storage space for my belongings, or to hire help to get them there?  and how will it be to attempt to survive on the streets, here?  how will my lack of ability to afford my prescription medication affect my health?  especially if I can't control what I'm eating, or when?  I'll guess I'll find out soon enough.  maybe I will die, then, so I guess I'll get what I want.  or maybe I'll just keep on living in more and more desperate circumstances for many more years until I do finally enjoy the sweet release of death, having experienced several more levels of hell before I get there.  like an 'if I think it's bad now, just wait and see how bad it can get' sort of scenario.

oh well.  at least I tried.  I guess... 

it hasn't been a great year, and I don't feel as if I've 'ascended' or 'risen' in any sense of the word.  sure, I'm in Israel, but it hasn't done a damn thing for me other than shown me that no matter how much I try to be part of a community and work towards the uplifting of said community, I'm just not really welcome, wanted, or needed.  story of my life, considering my mother wasn't really on board with having me.  I wonder what my soul journeyed here for, then?  why would it pick such a miserable and pathetic path for itself?  I hope I figure it out, because I definitely don't want to ride this ride again.  I can't believe my purpose here was to make another human with the same doubts and fears I have, who will end up in even worse circumstances than me unless he can figure out some way to find joy and happiness in his own life.  if not, than I will have failed in that, too.  and that would be the worst fail of all my many fails, because he didn't ask for it, and certainly doesn't deserve it.

what manner of monster am I? 

Shabbat New Moon in Virgo Shalom

what do I even have to say anymore?  that I can't stand most people?  I think it's pretty apparent if you know me at all, or read this blog, though I'm not sure I've addressed it here.  so let's address it now!

1.  I'm tired of people who don't work, don't try to work, or contribute to their community in any way.  when I was raising my child as a single parent, I definitely needed help making ends meet, so I had to rely on social services (and child support payments) to keep a roof over our heads, and food on our table.  that said, I still worked, tried to work, and/or contributed to my community in various ways.  I didn't have family to rely on, though while my mom was still alive I could usually count on her to put a $50 bill in my annual birthday card, which I usually spent on myself because it was the only boost I would get for the year, and if we can't take care of ourselves, even if only in some tiny way, we can't take care of others.

2.  I'm done in with all the various 'diagnoses' and mental health challenges that people claim are preventing them from working, trying to work, or contributing to their communities in any way.  there are plenty of 'neurodivergent' folks out there who are making a living doing one thing or another without making their issues their whole personality.  I firmly believe that I exist somewhere on that 'spectrum' as well, but I've never been tested/poked/prodded to find out where, and at closer-to-60-than-50 at this point, I really don't care.  I manage to get along as best as I can, and that's good enough for me.  do I find it frustrating at times to not really seem to be able to 'get ahead' in this world for one reason or another?  you bet your bippy - but I've also learned that having a label to attach to my issues doesn't really offer any benefits that matter, or further my goals, so why bother?

3.  I don't care for people who use alcohol as their main source of 'fun' or release.  there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine/beer/liquor or two (or even three), but if it's all night every night - or worse, during the day - I think it's a problem for you, which makes it a problem for me.  by all means, drink your meals, boo boo - just don't expect me to join in, hang out, or want to be around you at all when you do, and probably not when you don't, either.  I have been a chronic pot smoker for much of my adult life with the exception of the times I couldn't afford to buy any (like now), and I don't feel the same way about people who indulge in that habit as I do about people who drink.  prejudice?  maybe.  but there's a certain kind of overindulgent pot smoker that I don't like, either.  again, if it's your whole personality rather than just one aspect of who you are, it gets a bit...much.  but like with alcohol, if you can indulge responsibly, we're probably good.

4.  I CANNOT STAND liars!  I don't appreciate being lied to, for any reason.  I would much prefer to hear a hard truth than to catch someone out in telling me something they think I want to hear.  and I will find out the truth, one way or another.  history has shown me that I can easily find out on my own if I dig just a little bit, or simply wait it out for the Universe to reveal, eventually the lie will be brought to the light, and I will distance myself from the source of that dishonesty.  

5.  I like people who are smarter and more well-adjusted than I am, though they don't usually care for the uncompromising mess that is me.  I can play along for awhile, but not for long, and eventually they will get bored of my issues, just like I'm bored of the issues of the people I no longer have patience for, so it all evens out in the end.  I used to know this guy who said the standards I hold people to are so ridiculously high, that no one can expect to tick all the boxes, and I should just get used to being alone and/or lonely.  I said that was fine, and it mostly is, because I do enjoy solitude/my own company, though it would be nice to be able to make friends a bit more easily, and keep them longer.  but the reason my standards are so high is because I'm tired of being hurt by people who lie, cheat, choose a party lifestyle over one of substance, live inside their own personal issues, or live off of others without making any attempt to contribute to their community.  

having recently moved to another country, I've been a bit fed up with only having the opportunity to interact with other recent immigrants with the exception of the folks who work in the stores I shop at, drive the buses I ride, or run the agencies I've been to in order to find work.  there are those who say I need to go to synagogue on Shabbat to meet people, but the synagogue most of the people I've met attend is for 'Anglos' who are inherently more religious than I am, and are probably not 'my people' anyway.  but you have to start somewhere, right?  the High Holidays are coming up, and while I don't think I'll be able to attend services ($$$), it might be nice to find myself invited to someone's Shabbat table sometime.  so, I keep 'meaning' to go to temple of a Saturday, but have yet to get there.  it's hard to make myself walk somewhere I don't really care to go during the the hottest part of one the days I get to enjoy the solitude of my apartment in the relative quiet and calm of an otherwise busy and loud corner of my city.

what brought this bitch on is the folks I find myself connected to on social media.  used to be, my fakebook feed was populated by people I knew and hung out with on a regular basis, or met during my travels.  or at least folks I was acquainted with through shared interests or academic connections.  but due to the rising antisemitism in the world, or perhaps the antisemitism that's always been lingering just beneath the surface of all my relationships, that online circle got much, much, smaller very quickly after October 7th, 2023.  so I tried to repopulate my feed with 'connections'...people who seemed cool in my other friends feeds, folks who left comments that made me laugh, or in some cases, people who reshared my posts without even knowing who I was.  problem with that is, we don't really have anything in common other than our Jewishness, and a shared love for Israel.  not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I seem to have ended up with a feed full of people whining about their disabilities, and where they are in their transitions, and I'm kind of over it.  uh oh...did I say that out loud?  well, I'm sorry, but it's true.  I am honest to god missing cis/het people in my life who have jobs that they go to on a regular basis, and simply vent about their issues and move on, not make it their whole story all the damn time.

there are people I've been connected to on there for years that have played the part of being my friend, with no actual commitment to the role, or follow-through on their part.  I did recently meet up with a few folks I met on there, and it was lovely - those folks I have no issue with.  there's one person who did invite me around, and I believe they meant it.  but then I had (yet another) bad day that I bitched about, and this one particular person sent me a message in an attempt to connect, which was kind of them, but they were someone I had been considering disconnecting from because their posts were not anything I found interesting, and didn't necessarily want to be confronted with constantly in my feed.  dude wants to be female?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  chick wants to be a man?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  I'm willing to accept people for who they are, whoever they tell me that is, but enough already.  at this point I'd prefer to connect with cis/het people like myself, and not have to hear about every damn flavor of human out there.  just be who you are, boo, and stop shoving it down my throat.  I mean, I'm not out here posting about being cis/het every damn day of my life - it's just not all that important.  

and I don't want to hear about how your anxiety is preventing you from getting a damn job, and forces you to live off of your generous family members.  pull up your panties and do something other than be a parasite.  if I can do it, so can lots of other people who are leaning too hard into their 'disabilities'.  or that you did sex work that you hated to earn a living once upon a time.  guess what?  I didn't like working at the video store, or the overnight shift at the 24 hour store, or as a janitor, but I Had To Pay My Rent, so I did the damn thing until I found something better, and it wasn't a husband/wife that paid all my bills for me so I could sit around and write poetry about the angle of the light hitting my designer furniture.  where's the accountability?  there are people in the homeless shelters I worked in trying harder than that, with less education and opportunity, and doing ok for themselves.  I knew a woman who had her hand chopped off and sewed back on who worked her ass off at every opportunity to keep herself off the streets.  respect, girlfriend.  it was tough out there for her.  it was tough out there for me too, with both my hands, and I've been out there enough to know I don't want to be out there again.  I guess some people haven't had to live on the streets for long enough to learn that lesson...or at all.  lucky them.

this isn't a rant about ALL disabled people, or gay or trans people, or single parents, or what have you.  it's about people who I've interacted with enough to know that I don't have an awful lot of respect for the ways they appear to be living in the world, and that's my prerogative.  I don't have to like everyone, I don't even have to like every Jewish person, or even every Israeli, but I do have to like myself, and in order to do that, I have to be honest about who I want to connect with, and how.  if you don't want to be my friend after reading this, then so be it.  is it my loss?  maybe.  depends on who doesn't want to be friends anymore after reading it.  there are plenty of gay people I love and respect.  there are plenty of folks with disabilities that I admire - some I've even worked with.  I'll bet there are trans people out there that I could get along with, too.  some cis/het people suck (lots of them do).  I'm just in a place where I need more women who understand the particular issues of having been women our whole lives.  or men who are feminists while still being manly men who aren't misogynist pieces of garbage.  folks who know what an endocrine disruptor is, and did their best to avoid them, along with other environmental dangers.

it is part of my soul's purpose here to make sure each and every one of us on this planet together is cared for, and gets everything they need, to the extent of my abilities, and I'm aware that in this 'window' of setting intentions, it is important to choose my focus wisely.  as we enter the 'wormhole' of eclipse season, we should expect chaos and transformation - and the ability to get back up from whatever happens to knock us down.  so maybe this is just my way of clearing the decks so I can tap into the hope and optimism I want so badly to connect with in the world that is also on offer just now.  while we may be headed into a complex maze of rising emotions, we are also being given an opportunity for healing, integration, and repair.  an astrologer whose work I admire speaks of planting seeds with faith, which is something I love to do, and do often.  the one picture I'm sharing in this post is of my latest sprouts, which are from a seed pod I picked up off the sidewalk, and planted, with only the vaguest idea of what they are (I think they're the seeds of the trees that made the gorgeous flowers whose petals would stop me in my tracks with a desire to paint their likeness, even though I'm not a painter).  alpha and omega, my friends.  selah ~

 

not a great picture - there appear to be seven little sprouts poking their heads through the soil, and I wish them the best of luck.  I will replant them as soon as I have more containers for them.

💙

Shabbat Community Tarot Reading #4

wow, what a crazy week it's been for me - how about you?  so much upheaval and emotional drama!  even though we're 'through' the eclipse, we're still feeling its energy, and will be for a few days (weeks, months), and as we all know, the cosmic reverberations just keep circling out forever...  

I'm not sure where to start this week, as the reading I did was very personal, and specific to my circumstances.  I feel like if I'm going to read for the community, I can't pretend to be 'love and light' all the time, and like nothing ever goes wrong in my life because I'm claiming to offer to help people focus on doing their own deep work, so I have to show how I do mine.  

 

so - let's just say my child needs their community now in the form of a strong support network to help them navigate away from their current situation into something healthier for them in the long run.  the evil rage monster that lives in me has decided it's time for them to be free, rip off the band-aid, they're ready, I've done my job of preparing for this day well.  why postpone the inevitable?  they've embarked on their own underworld journey now, plumbing their own depths...the astrology would blow them away if they cared to look.  it's not my job to tell anymore, it's my job to love and let go, now.  but they don't want to leave, is the thing.  they wants to make demands of me, threaten and lash out.  they want all the benefits I've always provided - few though they may be - and to act indignantly while taking advantage and bringing so much conflict into our daily lives, I've been triggered back to my father throwing the kitchen table at me when I told him I was moving out (with a great deal more resources than my child has at the moment, though his daddy certainly had a lot less).  

the running away started with the tenuous stirrings of what might become first love.  now that there's 'someone else', I've become obsolete overnight, and have been shut out, and shut down.  so the arguments have escalated to where we're both teetering on the edge of violence, neither of us wanting to cross that line, and for years now, I've been sending them outside to deal with those feelings to get them away from me - it's my house, I won't be disrespected - and get them moving to physically help cycle that energy through.  so we argued, I told them to get out, and they demanded a therapist, so I called in mental health.  they called in CPS.  so now I'm under investigation for abuse, exacerbating an already intense housing crisis (impending homelessness), and did I mention my mom died two months ago?  it's fine...I'm sure I deserve all that and more, don't I?  but the bottom line in my opinion is that they've hit their wall - as have I - and it's time to figure out how to get them what they need from the support network they will build with the help of the authorities they've called in.  we can't live like this anymore.  it would have been nice to have the clarity to handle it on our own, but...oh well.

yeah, it's time to get out of their way, and leave them to it.  I caught a bit of a reading a day or two ago (I wish I could remember where!) that spoke to a wisdom coming in from the side, somehow...that it was important to pay attention to snippets that may come from random sources, and that was the kid yesterday - three times in the midst of the chaos they spoke honest truth, though I doubt they recognized the importance of what they said.  and between my own shadow work, Lorelai Kude's talk of overwhelm, and protecting what you've mothered, and Sasha's speaking of needing to let go of something anything, and 'where do we go from here' energy aligning with true direction and drastic change that has been a long time coming...I'm hearing this message loud and clear.  as hard as it is to focus through all the emotional turmoil, miscommunication, power struggles/control issues, change/liberation/chaos cycles, I'm doing my best to simply survive each day, which in the moment mostly looks like me trying to drink enough water, and failing, repeatedly.

so some cards for me.  some wisdom on how to step out of this dance.  help the kid get what they need to move forward and move along.  there's no coming back...things are irrevocably different and damaged now, so it's time to change course, and let life flow on by without me.  for this reading I used my oldest deck,  and this spread Meg @3am.tarot posted for the New Moon & Solar Eclipse in Gemini (June 10).  here's what we got:

 

image shows an antler, a crystal ball, a small metal goddess figurine, three cards from The Tarot of the Witches tarot deck (The Lovers/The Magician/The Chariot), a quartz crystal, and a garnet on a pastel colored cloth with silver stripes.

 

reflect on:  The Lovers - one rose reaching towards the sun, while a briar entangles the moon.  such a strange card...look at the two of them, dispassionate mannequins entangled in her weird hair, that half dead-or-alive hill they're standing on.  a meaningful relationship...aside from all the love, beauty, harmony, deep feeling, trust, honor, physical attraction, there's the dynamic of sacred vs. profane, and a testing of theories.  an expansion - taking what we've learned, and re-centering from a new vantage point in a spiral progression.  widening the heart.  coming out of isolation into exchange - an act of radical vulnerability; a moment of truth.

revisit & explore:  The Magician - creative Source.  imagination, self-reliance, skill, willpower, curiosity, cleverness, unity in thought and feeling.  deeply connected to, and aware of, the resources surrounding us as well as the magic within them.  an expanding sense of possibility, the first step in a journey - packing The Fool's satchel.  confidence, awake to possibility, throwing open the doors.  expansion, opportunity, courage, tapping into potential.  knowing we are the magic.

seek truth within:  The Chariot - as soon as that expansion happened in the The Lovers card, the fool on their journey recognized their power, and met adversity with resolve and determination.  alert and ready for battle - horses charging forward, his foot on the yoke, he's prepared to balance his mental and physical strength in working towards greatness, as soon as he can get his emotions under control.

there is great significance to me in these cards, considering where my teen is currently holed up, and with cards 6 & 7 - The Lovers and The Chariot - showing up together like that, with only the Magician's spark between them.  there's that pattern of being pushed into things too early, before they're ready, because I'm already holding more than I can safely handle, and something's got to give.  this is my child, born three weeks early.  this is my child sliding down my leg because they won't hold on, they simply trust that 'I've got them'.  this is my child selling off their trains to pay the car insurance that one time.  this is my child's path to freedom - their first steps out on their own.  I'm not going to read their birth chart, or check their horoscope or anything because they didn't ask me to, and I respect people's privacy...but I can see what I see, you know?  all that trauma I tried so hard to avoid passing on, that I made sure to pass on.  our ancestors' hard-won aspirations now crushed beneath my personal failures, and it hurts to live here.

 

thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you, personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

 

resources:

3am.tarot

good vibes binaural beats

F is for...

freeze frame, Fernando Poo, Ferdinand, furby's, fungi, fur, fresh hell, figures, faithlessness, Fargo fascist, forlorn, figuratively, father, Frodo, feathers, fig, flenser, fruit, fandom, furniture, frappe, fling, feisty, familiar, flowers, falafel, frabjous, flipping flapjacks, far and away, fathom, feminine, fez, fentanyl, Fandango, fix, finish, first, fib, fire, finger, frigid, fish, for/fore/four, fop, fob, fashion, foot, forget, forge, Fosse, fumble, frisk, freestyle, footloose & fancy-free...

so I've just been brainstorming and throwing out words to play with, and I found a few images I could use for several of them, but...meh.  so I think I'm going to have to go with:

FALSEHOOD

defined as "the state of being untrue".  fully fitting, given two of the comments I received on my last ABC post that I found problematic, which one participant chose to take further, and leave a hateful comment on another post I wrote, that speaks directly and specifically to the struggles people who share my ethnicity continue to face daily (while I don't think the commenter meant to be hateful, their comment was certainly uninformed, and rude).  maybe that's why I never finished a round?  I was already finding it a bit annoying that I make the time to go around and not only read, but comment on, All the links posted - because I thought that was the point of the group share...to build community, and forge connections.  but isn't that just the story of my life?  giving my energy away for free to those who don't return it?  the nature of those comments supposes a rather narrow world-view coupled with prejudice...the misinformation, and the smugness with which they get shared makes doing the work exhausting, but proves the necessity of continuing to tell The Truth.

in any case, not that's it's my job to educate people who don't seem to take the time to educate themselves, I thought I'd use this space to respond to those comments.

1. not knowing G*psy is a racial slur - IT IS.  period.  google "G*psy is a racial slur".  I've written about this on here before, and I suspect I will write about it again.  I have posted multiple links, multiple times.  there is no further excuse for Anyone to come on this blog and comment otherwise.  and now you know.
2. most Romani people are settled, and have been for generations.  the hurtful/hateful negatively stereotypical myth of 'the wandering, nomadic G*psy' is a romanticized version of an entire group of people being forced to flee for their lives, over and over again, to avoid slavery, persecution, and genocide.  this falsehood also negatively affects those known as Travellers (a different ethnic group entirely, though we are frequently lumped together), who do tend to lead a nomadic lifestyle due to the nature of their work, and who suffer from laws that criminalize their traditions.
3. claiming 'color-blindness' or an aversion to 'labels' does not relieve one of the social responsibility to recognize systemic racism, or privilege, within one's world/country/state/town/community/home/personal thoughts and practices.  we have come a long way with women's rights, civil rights, equal rights, human rights, LGBTQ and Trans rights, immigrants' rights, and the rights of those I've unintentionally left out...too far to go backwards, now.  such statements reinforce the fact that one group enjoys a certain privilege over many others - it's time for all good people to rectify that situation in every way, and that work starts at home.
4. no one gets brownie points for pointing out how 'nice' they are - that should be the baseline across the board, not something to wave as a flag of token ally-ship.  sure, 'treat others as you would like to be treated', but in today's day and age, that means acting to tear down the systems that hold millions in a cycle of poverty and oppression.  pretending otherwise is tantamount to being complicit in these practices.
5. insisting that there will always be prejudice in the world, and that there's no way to change it simply means, "I enjoy the benefits of a racist system, and I'm not going to do a thing to change that because my life is suitably comfortable."  humans are fully capable of making change, as we have proven time and again, and we will continue to do so, even in the face of violent attacks, and in many cases, death.  history speaks for itself.
6. 'Classical music' is defined as a European musical tradition lasting from approximately 1750-1830.  a broader definition can reach as far back as the 1400's, but still completely negates the ancient musical traditions of Mesopotamia, India, Persia, Egypt, China, Greece, Rome, and all 54 (+2) countries on the African Continent.  to assert that classical music is the root of ALL music is an incredibly narrow view through which to be seeing, and suggests a deep lack of historical knowledge of more subjects than just music. 

I hope I've managed to let a few nuggets of information into a dark room, here, though experience teaches me it's more likely to have made some people very angry.  good.  the dominant paradigm needs to get used to both being challenged on their outdated presumptions, and feeling somewhat uncomfortable as their positions of privilege in a decaying system begin to crumble and fall.  it wasn't all fun and games for me, either, when I realized how much I benefitted from those same systems that held my friends down, but I've learned a lot, and will continue to learn more as we come together and move forward as an extended global family.

click here to go to the ABC-Wednesday website - click here to see all participating blogs

Donna Nobis Pacem...November 4, 2018

 

http://mimiwrites.blogspot.com/p/how-to-get-your-peace-globe.html

I saved this template for more than a year.  I had been doing the Blog4Peace for a few years in a row from 2010-13, but then took just as many years off.  I suppose I meant to do it last year, which is why I saved the template, but I forgot about it, and by the time I remembered, it was obviously so far past November I thought I may as well wait until it came around again!  so I was all ready to do it this year, but...a separate issue came to my attention, and had to be dealt with in a timely manner, so it got set on the back-burner, and here I am past the deadline again.  I'm sure no one will care if I'm a few days late, peace is peace after all, right?

so I downloaded the template with every intention of playing around with it creatively before posting it with some attempts at demographically-expected attached text, and feeling like I'd done my moral duty as it pertains to blogs and blog blasts and blog blasts for peace for the year.  as it turns out, I don't happen to have access to my own computer at the moment - mine had a terrible mishap and hasn't been working properly, so I've been getting by with my son's older outdated refurbished MacBook he was gifted at his Bar Mitzvah that has since been replace by a much more up-to-date system.  what that means is that I don't have access to all the features and programs I would normally, so I wasn't able to play around with the peace globe template.  so there it is.  that's what I got.

to be honest, I haven't been feeling very peaceful with all the hate that's going around lately.  I mean, I tend to try and maintain a certain personal calm when dealing with the intrusion of unwanted energies and elements into my daily life, but we all live in this world together, and we all experience small moments that trigger our anger or frustration, and truly stressful events that can bring out our fear and rage, so I find it's been more necessary of late to stand up and identify myself as someone who's available to act as a shield to others who maybe aren't feeling so safe these days.  and I say that as a member of several targeted populations - more than some, less than others - which is to speak to my seriousness when I say Never Again, and We Will Outlive Them, to my experience in handling these types of attacks, and to offering the care necessary to heal from them.

yes, I pray for peace.  I hope for it with every ounce of my being, with the belief that willing for a thing in the right frame of spirit can bring it into being.  but what do I do on the daily?  remind people that racism is unacceptable?  tell them that anti-semitism Must become a chapter in our less than illustrious past history as it pertains to human dignity and tolerance?  act as a reminder that people who stand next to me on the street every day have the same rights I do?  that people who are struggling to get here deserve the same?  that people in foreign countries deserve to not be thrown into the depths of a humanitarian crisis by Our country so we can continue to pretend America is any kind of measure of freedom and justice in the world?  to get us to pledge our support to the Ferguson activists who are being systematically murdered for their parts in attempting to heal and uplift their communities?  what about two unrelated people simply shopping in a grocery store?

what peace have I brought today?

who's peace have I bought?

certainly not my own...

it's still a choice, though, and given the option, I will usually choose peace.  but if diplomacy fails?  and something or someone plans on coming for me and/or my friends?  I won't be going down without a fight.

How It Began

how did I get to go to Israel for a two week vacation?  well, my father was Israeli, and when he died, we buried him over there, on the kibbutz he grew up on.  also when that happened, my mom sort of let it be known that she would eventually want to be buried in the spot next to him.  having had some health issues of late, she decided it was time to make those plans legal and official, and as a cousin of ours invited us to her wedding this summer, it seemed the perfect time to make the trip, and get that done - before she might not be able to make the trip again.  as it was, she couldn't go alone - she'd need help.  could I go, she asked?  as long as I could bring my teen, I was ready, willing, and able, so - bon voyage!

here's an excerpt from my travel journal, that I started on the airplane:

8/18 - What a trip so far, and we haven't even left the ground!  Everything was good on my end, my insane planning and scheduling having paid off in a well-planned exit, getting us to Grandma's around 10:30pm, exhausted, where we went straight to bed.  Up early, I started a load of laundry around 5:30 or 6am, and no one else got up until around 8.  We puttered, and helped Grandma get ready, exiting to a Pouring rain-storm at noon-thirty.  After a few stops, it was "our last American burgers" at the diner for lunch, then on our way!  Still pouring, it was 40mph through flooded roadways all the way until we hit sunny skies in Jersey.  Finally arriving at Terminal C at Newark, the party split up (against my better judgement) with Grandma heading to the bathroom, my teen standing on the curb outside with our bags, and me heading to find the 'long-term parking'.  It worked out ok, though, and we managed to regroup without incident.  Then the wheelchair didn't happen.  Then tempers got short.  Then we actually strolled casually towards the gate.  I found a wheelchair, which was a godsend, because...our flight, scheduled to take off at 10:50pm was delayed - until 1:45am!  That is where we are, now...sitting in our seats on the plane, watching the boarding circus parade by.  So.  Much.  Fun.  I think my teen is totally Not digging his first air travel experience, but I think he'll fall asleep once we take off, and it'll all be good.

8/19 - Aaaand, we're back in the airport.  Have been.  For hours.  After sitting in the plane for...ever, we finally deplaned, and have been sitting in the terminal forever.  It's 6:15am.  On Sunday.  We're SUPPOSED to be boarding at 7:15am...7:45am...some time before 8am.  This is the worst bullshitty bullshit I've ever dealt with in an airport, or with a flight.  Like, Seriously.  I waited in line for an hour to get food vouchers for all three of us, and no one was hungry which was fortunate, because I couldn't manage to get any food with them.  More Big Fun.  I'm exhausted.  I've been up too long, and done all the heavy lifting, so...yay.  angry face.  REALLY Fucking Angry face.  *censored*

8/21 - Oy...so what happened?  They finally let us back into the gate area (after rechecking us and our carry-ons), and we waited in line quite some time to reboard the plane.  Then we sat on the plane some more, waiting for one crew member or pilot or whatever, before finally FINALLY taking off around 9am or so.  The flight wasn't awful, with a screamy kid behind me and an obnoxious teen next to me, and I even managed to catch a few winks here and there.  It was...maybe 2am or so when we landed and deplaned, then had some more bullshit with some more lack-of-wheelchair nonsense, and THEN, there was the asshole cart driver who took my mom and my kid off to somewhere while I trudged along alone through the airport with too many bags, a walker, and a cane.  I caught up with Grandma eventually, but she had sent my unseasoned traveller son off alone into the wilds of Ben Gurion airport to find me, which made me FURIOUS, and when he got back to us (just as I was storming off to find him) I angrily demanded of them both to NOT separate the party again under any circumstances with out my say-so.  And so, we trudged angrily through the passport check, which I failed, and had to explain how my updated Israeli passport hadn't been mailed to me in time for this trip, and was probably sitting in my mailbox back home in America, in order to be granted a two-week stay, and told to go check in with immigration so that I'd be allowed to leave at the end of our trip (and I did have to promise to leave at the end of our trip).  Now comes me at the baggage claim, with all three checked bags, and me dragging Grandma and Teen Wolf around with our 4 personal bags looking for immigration (she was nice, and was maybe the easiest person to deal with thus far), and now we're up & down & around trying to find the car rental place...further nightmare.  Too long a wait, I complain, she sends me 'downstairs' to the other kiosk to 'save me some time', I FUCKING LOSE IT with not finding the place, someone at the info booth FINALLY manages to tell me where it is, and we head outside...glory!  a whiff of Israeli air!  we hike quite another ways to the booth (I had to leave poor struggling Grandma & the teen behind on a bench, promising to return with a car) where I am denied our pre-paid, reserved vehicle through some confusion about payment methods, drivers, language barriers, and exhaustion.  After giving up and power-walking back to my small party, I yell at them to get up and get moving, as I plow on ahead, in full rage-monster mode, and get us a taxi into Tel Aviv, to the hotel we were SUPPOSED to check into about 12 hrs. before.

They let us in - extend our stay, even - and just as soon as we hit the room, I shower and put on clean clothes, Grandma does the same, and we head back down (with dirty, unchanged teen) for Israeli buffet breakfast.  ...Deep...Sigh...then we (Grandma & I) leave the young man to nap (he's done in) while we stroll the few blocks towards the sea, and the car rental place, then drive back to the hotel where she toddles up to pack, grab the teen, check out (against my better judgement, but I had to sit idling in the double-parked car for a half an hour or more while she accomplished those tasks), and beat it out of the City with much stress & screaming (things were left behind)...

Tuesday Afternoon

I didn't write a blog post this week, as in, I didn't have a running theme that I engaged with on the page for several days in a row, that I polished up and edited to post on Monday.  I have a big event coming up, and most of my time and energy has been taken up by planning and prepping for that One Thing, and the weather has been hot and humid, which exhausts me, so I've been pretty wrapped up inside myself and my daily to-do's to get everything done on time, or at least demonstrably close.  one thing I DID do this week was write a letter to a local person who is the administrator for a facebook group that I was blocked from for standing up for my people, my family, and myself.  so, I decided I would post that letter here, and call it a day (night).  feel free to contact me if you want your name added to the signature line, or if you find any typos or anything.  thanks, and enjoy ~

Letter to: Jim Dougherty

Email: jdoughertybroker@aol.com

website: http://www.lenderassetsolutions.com

and: Ulster Publishing – Woodstock Times

PO Box 3329
322 Wall Street
Kingston, NY 12402
845-334-8200
(Fax) 845-334-8202

Brian Hollander, Editor: wtedit@gmail.com

Daily Freeman

79 Hurley Ave.,
Kingston, NY 12401
845-331-5000
fax: 845-331-3557

Tony Adamis: Managing Editor, ext. 01095

Chronogram

Brian K. Mahoney, Editorial Director
(845) 334-8600 ext. 103
bmahoney@chronogram.com

Lower Hudson Valley Chapter - NYCLU

297 Knollwood Road, Suite 217
White Plains, NY 10607

Telephone: 914-997-7479
Fax: 914-997-2936
E-mail: lowerhudsonvalley@nyclu.org

Following is a letter to Mr. Jim Dougherty, the administrator for the online Facebook group 'Woodstock Bulletin Board'.

Mr. Dougherty -

I was distressed to learn that I was blocked from the Woodstock Bulletin Board facebook group because as an educated Romani woman, I chose to bring attention to the fact that a White woman was appropriating my culture, and using an ethnic slur for my people as the name of her business. I learned of this 'blocking' on August 2 - the 74th anniversary of the liquidation of the 'Gypsy Camp' at Auschwitz-Birkenau, adding further insult to injury. There were two businesses in the town of Woodstock who also used this slur in their names, both closed, now, and while I didn't patronize either establishment, I did make it clear to others how it made me feel to see those hurtful words every day, and used them as examples to explain the ignorance of others to my young son. While there are many businesses who use the word “Gypsy” as their name, as we evolve as a society and culture, there are quite a few business owners who have realized that this is an inappropriate practice, and have changed their business names out of respect for who we are, and what we have faced, as a people. We have a right to live with the same dignity that is afforded to every individual in this country, this state, this county, and this community, and by blocking me from a community group, it is made it clear that there are those who don't think my family is entitled to the same rights as others, that my son doesn't deserve to be treated with the same respect as other students in our schools, and that we don't have the right to know when events are happening in and around the community in which my family makes its home. This thoughtless act clearly states that I either agree to being demeaned, degraded, and silenced, or I can’t be in the group, so I feel I need to speak up for both my family, and my people, before this misinformation disseminates any further, and is allowed to spread its hateful poison throughout the beautiful Hudson Valley, which has long been home to many cultures and religions, as well as minorities and refugees.

It is infuriating for us when non-Roma choose to impersonate our culture with their swirly-skirts and tinkly-bell jewelry to be seen as mysterious and exotic, while we suffer the slings and arrows of “dirty gyppo, go back where you came from thief/beggar/liar – Hitler should have finished the job!” We have been accused of kidnapping little White children while it is our youths who are systematically removed from their families/culture/language, as with the recent case of 'Maria', a blond girl 'found' among darker people, and taken from her foster family, later found to be of Roma decent. The news story prompted a rash of officials across several countries to go out and conduct a witch-hunt against dark-skinned people with light-skinned children...of which I am one. Given the recent horrific events endured by immigrant families that have been savagely ripped apart by Draconian government policies, it seems we are slipping farther and farther into allowing the kinds of hate-speech and prejudicial attitudes that brought about the Holocaust, and there are a great many people who are willing to stand up and demand that it Not be allow to happen Ever again.

Would the town of Woodstock, the all-inclusive hippie-love-fest, peace and understanding art colony of years past not gasp openly if a shop using an ethnic slur for Jews, African-Americans, Latinos, Asians, or Native Americans opened its doors for business? Or would it be tolerated? What if it was insulting the Whites? The slur to which I am referring is one you may not even know is a slur. The word is Gypsy (please note the capital 'G' – a lower case 'g' perpetuates disrespect for the exonym). The word is highly controversial, and some of us use it among ourselves with pride, though the preferred term – for those of us who grew up having epithets hurled at us – is Roma, or the more specific names of our subgroups (known as vitsas), some of which include Kale, Manoush, Romanichal, Dom, Lovari, Kalderash, and Sinti.

In all fairness, I'm sure the owner of said business is probably a lovely individual, and my intent is not to cause them any harm or embarrassment, but to give them the chance to openly acknowledge their mistake, make the proper apologies, and perhaps even do their small part to make sure their customers are informed as to the truth about our people, rather than just taking our name and using it for the benefit of their own finances. Another business owner in a similar situation some time back agreed to keep books about Roma and some printed materials with information in the store, and on their website – would these local folks perhaps agree to sell products or disseminate information in the same manner? Would they consider sponsoring an essay contest, donating books about the Romani people to the library, or sponsoring a forum? They are creative people, and I'm sure they can come up with a way to use their success to open a dialogue and engage positively with those who find offense with the slur under which they chose to do business.

The term 'Gypsy' comes from the erroneous belief that our ancestors originated from Egypt. Our language, customs, and DNA kits tell the true story – we originated in India, before being spread in a Diaspora across Europe and the Americas as slaves and servants, without rights, who have been systematically oppressed and slaughtered to this very day. In many countries we are still barred from schools, ensuring that our children will not be educated, and therefore perpetuating the cycle of poverty we have been held in for centuries. On the other hand, many of us have managed to overcome great odds to become educators, doctors, lawyers, artists, musicians, and bastions of cultural literacy. We bristle at the Halloween costumes cultural appropriators don every year. Our children are confused and shamed by those who dress up as caricatures of our grandmothers, while we ourselves fear to don our own cultural dress as it gives us away to a society that has made it clear they only want us as models for their own romanticized version of what being Gypsy means, which is usually so far from the truth, it hurts.

Several Roma recently wrote in to Hudson Valley One about an article written about a performance of Macbeth performed at Opus 40 in which the director of the Dzieci Theater Group misrepresented our culture, and we were treated to dignified response stating that they were 'misquoted', and would be changing the way they presented the performance in the future out of respect for us, and our cultural heritage. That is how to “be a good neighbor, and work to make things better daily”, a quote taken directly from Mr. Dougherty's facebook page – not by blocking community members from community groups. We call upon the business owners, the town, the community, and activists of all stripe to choose to do the same, and be on the right side of history with this issue. Racism, xenophobia, antiziganism, and any kind of racial intolerance is on its way to oblivion – let us use this as an opportunity to advance together, and move into a more inclusive future where the town of Woodstock can reengage with the statement made on the Woodstock Chamber of Commerce and Arts website, “...where the individual is always welcome and new and creative beginnings are always possible.”

Sincerely,

(several people whose names I removed to protect identities)

Links: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romani_people

http://www.romarising.com/

http://golden-zephyr.com/

http://romaniarts.co.uk/

http://romani.humanities.manchester.ac.uk/virtuallibrary/index.html

http://artists-for-roma-net.ning.com/

http://domresearchcenter.com/

http://www.baxtfilms.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/World-Of-Gypsies/504889382957306?sk=timeline

http://www.opensocietyfoundations.org/about/programs/roma-initiatives-office

https://www.facebook.com/Junioryouthgroupagiassofias/timeline

http://romani.hu/

www.apeopleuncounted.com

http://www.searchingforthe4thnail.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Positive-Romani-Stories/390354817677859?sk=timeline

www.lolodiklo.blogspot.com

RomaTransitions.org

www.RomaReact.org

http://www.romanimusic.org/

http://therumpus.net/2017/05/on-making-wishes/

https://medium.com/@ninaszarka/when-you-are-ready-i-will-tell-you-bc92ac12e0b8

https://now.org/blog/the-g-word-isnt-for-you-how-gypsy-erases-romani-women/

https://www.thedailybeast.com/american-gypsies-are-a-persecuted-minority-that-is-starting-to-fight-back

https://kopachi.com/

https://thenorwichradical.com/2017/12/29/a-beginners-guide-to-antigypsyism/

https://onmilwaukee.com/dining/articles/gypsy-taco-new-name.html

http://www.playbill.com/article/actors-equitys-gypsy-robe-will-get-a-new-name

https://www.dallasnews.com/business/retail/2018/02/22/retailer-decided-time-change-name-store

https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/gypsy-slur-netlflix

https://femmagazine.com/the-g-slur-whats-in-a-word/

https://maineethics.com/mainemusings/whyyoucantsaygypsy

https://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=128696&page=1

https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/12/30/242429836/why-being-gypped-hurts-the-roma-more-than-it-hurts-you

http://www.jimchines.com/2016/11/racism-and-the-romani-people/

https://www.newsarama.com/32801-reconsidering-dc-s-gypsy-name-as-a-racial-slur-in-light-of-her-upcoming-debut-on-cw-s-the-flash.html

Fail

I don't even know where to begin this week.  I'm really disappointed, let's start there.  it's been 24 days since I finished my Whole30, and I've been feeling a bit crappy for the past week or so...my digestion is kind of out of whack, I've been pimply and sore, and limping...my sleep schedule is off, and I feel bloated and thick.  I was at my mom's last Friday, and I thought I might have lost some more weight, so I got on her scale to find out that I Actually Gained Back 20 Pounds!  I mean, is that even possible?  I guess it is...if I can lose 30 pounds in 30 days, why not gain 20 pounds in 20 days?  I'm really frustrated and angry with myself.  all that hard work for nothing, and now I not only have to do it again, I have to do it better, and Keep doing it, forever.  even the teen is surprised - as he so blithely pointed out, I did a detox Last summer, and kept the weight off for over a year, so why didn't this Whole30 thing work out at least as well as that?  so I went from 245 to 215, and back to 235 all in 8 weeks.  that Can't be healthy...and here I was, walking around like I felt good about myself for accomplishing something.

frankly, I'm tired of blogging about my food, what I'm eating or not, how I'm affording it, what I'm doing when I can't afford it, how I'm coping...it's all getting rather old.  and I'm angry that I have to spend so much time thinking about it.  am I a victim of my own conscious conflict?  am I somehow simultaneously succeeding, and sabotaging myself?  how can I best deactivate/strip away my negative innermost limiting beliefs in order to not contradict my own desires? 

I still feel like 'I must have made some sort of mistake' in reading the scale, and meant to stop by the doc's office yesterday to confirm (or deny) those results, but I didn't end up getting to it, so no confirmation as of yet.  as far as my food issues go, my fridge is currently mostly bare (just like old times), and the few things that are in it are rapidly rotting veggies.  and in case you thought I didn't have enough to complain about, the power was out for most of the day, so I'm sure a portion of what is in my freezer isn't much good, either.  good times!

in any case, I think I need to spend more time - in 17 second intervals - working on focusing my desires in order to better manifest my dreams.  it seriously disturbs me that a post entitled "Success" gets half as many views as a post called "Relapse".  why are there more people interested in seeing me fail than people cheering me on to success?  so we're back to that disappointment I spoke of in terms of where I am, who's here with me (or who isn't), and what kind of energy it brings into my life.  seeing as how the people I tend to interact with let me down more than they hold me up, it's definitely time for me to change things around again, and as lonely as I already am, I can manage to endure just a little bit longer in order to give bringing the Right kinds of people into my life another shot. 

more than anything, I find I am once again disgusted at having trusted in people to be good to my son, who have turned out to do just the opposite.  if I had a penny for everyone who ever let us down, well...I'd be able to buy us something decent to eat.

Bushwhacking

Monday ~

feeling better, I think

what was it this time?

the crackers?  the hummus?

the cake?

sick all day until 3pm, had

a handful of grapes and almonds, then

chicken and Muenster wrapped in lettuce,

a few blue chips and hummus,

seltzer around 6:30pm.

let's see how we do ~



Tuesday ~

ok so far today,

but it's after 11, and I've yet to eat.

must, now, as I have 'things to do' for others

and can't afford to pass out, or get snappy

from hunger.



as I knew would happen (lack of planning)

ended up having to eat in a kitchen

that featured

Cadbury eggs

marbled pound cake

York peppermint patties

all the pastas

nutty buddys

and

reduced fat Jif peanut butter.

the teen took the opportunity to feast

on

Annie's mac & cheese

which

he can't have at home

anymore since

I learned Annie's sold out.

I had

a York peppermint patty

a milk chocolate Cadbury egg

a small bowl of

Annie's (hey, I didn't buy it)

then a half-decent meal of

ground beef, tortellini, and roasted red pepper

mayo (wtf with that?)

when I got home,

then

two pieces 88% dark chocolate.



my gut feels fine.

my ears don't like dairy,

but I knew that.

still pretty gassy, but

that seems to be the general

rule.



Wednesday ~

feeling ok

got up early, around 4am

8:30 now, still haven't eaten.

this not eating in the morning is

my first hurdle.

I should check my blood sugar...

140

not bad, but it's eggs, or something else,

and soon.

I'm getting that 'I'm gonna puke' tingle from my stomach

up my neck

to the back of my throat.



now it's starting to throb behind my eyes...

(drinks water)

wait - I get it.

if I don't eat or drink, it doesn't count as

being awake.

I don't have to start my day.

I'm in that limbo

of

being out of bed

but

still in my jammies,

'half-awake'.

interesting...

it's got a very boudoir feel, very

lounge-y.



finally had some leftovers

meat/tortellini/pepper mayo

then the last

few

pieces

of Muenster cheese

with lettuce.

and the Sesame Blues dipped in

tchina (I'm so tired of typing/saying 'tahini' for your colonizing pleasure)

that I snacked on while the leftovers

warmed up.



have a guest coming for a few -

should be fun...

or Not.

Uh oh...

was doing ok, 

had some breakfast, 

decided to lay off the cheese, 

ended up with 

gas station pepperoni pizza 

and chocolate milkshakes 

for late lunch/snack. 

then some ice cream

to wash it down. 

whoa, nelly.

Thursday ~

not sick!

fell asleep

on my chaise

in my dress

in front of a movie

woke up at

4am

on my chaise

in my dress

movie menu theme music

playing over and over

front door wide open

lights on

last thing I remember

the teen was still gaming

I wake him up

at 4am

hold him accountable by

making him get up

go out

and find his cat

who is supposed to be inside

before dark (his rule)



the cheese may have settled just fine

in my stomach,

but it's making me feel

thick

solid

full in a way that implies

all the work I did last month

was for naught.

and the milkshake just makes me want

another.

and another.

I find I can eat my way to the bottom of the

ice cream container

no matter how many milkshakes

I've had.



Friday ~

lots of pimples for me

maybe my guts hurt.

I forget about pain, then

remember I'm supposed to notice it

because it tells me something

about what's going on with my body,

and a day later, I'll think

"did that hurt?"



Saturday ~

wonderland...

frittata breakfast

protein salad lunch

regrouping

from a day at Mom's

simple chores, fold laundry,

vacuum, dishes

eat good food because

I've been feeling like I need

to eat better.

like I put that 30 lbs. right back

on.

Monday's still a few days off -

how will I feel if the scale reads above

200?

I want it to say 198...

or less.

but I want to be less than

200

lbs.



Sunday ~

eggs, turkey, hot dog, bun.

two guys in my inbox

one I've been chatting with awhile,

have met in person,

the other is new.



Monday...

you're not gonna believe it.

check in next week!

SUCCESS!

Monday
1:30pm - leftover spaghetti squash & meat sauce
5:15pm - 1 1/2 scrambled eggs
7:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce topped with nutritional yeast
9:45pm - almonds and apple slices
5 water

Tuesday
12 noon - protein salad with ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt & pepper, celery, slivered almonds, onion, scallion, apple on romaine and spinach
6:30pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli
6 water

gotta be honest, I've been up since 6am?  or earlier?  and I haven't eaten yet, and it's 11:49am, and I just tested my blood, and it was at 116.  I think the doctor is either full of it, or the Whole30 works that well.  or maybe my insulin production isn't so bad after all?  let's just see what happens during the re-introductions, and going forward.  I have lots of energy, though, and I feel great!  and when my stomach was upset yesterday, I did the energy-moving-thing I do on my belly when it's grumbly, and I noticed distinctly less belly...I dunno...maybe.

I finished reading the book - through to the end.  and the re-introductions, and here's what I have to say.  I think I'm gonna go Really Slowly on re-introductions.  like, maybe just keep eating Whole30-ish, and approach things as I am presented with them.  I made it through the "I am so over this" stage, and I'm coming out of "The scale (and mirror) are calling...", because they certainly have been.  I'm going to make a long list of the 'non-scale victories' I achieved on the last day or so, and I think it might be worth it for me to have a plan past day 30, too.

Wednesday
8:00am - leftover meat sauce with spinach
7:15pm - leftover turkey protein salad with romaine & spinach
3 water

so remember I said I needed to be more fit for some upcoming plans?  remember that I said I was going to make that my 'July challenge' since I did Whole30 in June?  and I've been noticing that I'm restless in the morning, like I want to move, but I'm not sure how.  maybe sun salutations, because it's where I always begin when I want to start exercising, and where I usually stay until I stop doing it one day, for whatever reason.  maybe something else, then?  maybe just one week of yoga, and a second week of something else..?

79 meals down, 11 to go - or possibly a few more.  I'm PMSy again, so I've been pretty hungry...and I'm just about out of food (how does that keep happening?).  gotta get to the store today, I guess, or maybe not.  I still have a butternut squash, some dates, 3 potatoes, garlic, a whole cauliflower, a tomato, a cucumber, some red bell pepper, 2 lbs. of beef, 2 lbs. of chicken, and 1 lb. of turkey, a tiny bit of broccoli and squash, some celery, romaine, spinach, and most of a bag of radishes...there's a whole cabbage, there's a lemon and a piece with a bit more squeeze in it, a lime, what's left of an onion, and half an apple.  there's pesto sauce, roasted red pepper mayo, salsa, green beans, and some veggie broth, and another whole container of veggie broth in the freezer, not to mention two more bags of veggie scraps to 'soup', and a can of tahina.

let's see if I can translate that into some meals...butternut squash soup, green salad, protein salad, cauliflower mash, tomato/broccoli/squash frittata, sunshine sauce, chicken salad, cabbage slaw, and beef sausage patties.  well, those aren't meals, they're dishes, but they're dishes I can mix and match to create meals with, so, it looks like I have some cooking to do (after I acquire an onion and some more eggs, with the last of the household cash)!

I am so screwed for money right now, but I did manage to get a few things at the store to carry me through the next few days.  I have no idea how or what we're going to eat next month, but...one thing at a time, here.  I made 'sausage' last night, which is just beef with some spices in it, and I'm going to make cauliflower mash (and possibly caramelize some onions) to go with it for breakfast.

Thursday
9:00am - beef sausage with cauliflower mash and caramelized onions
2:45pm - chicken salad (chicken, cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, coconut aminos, lemon juice) with salad of romaine, cucumber, radishes, carrot, celery, spinach, red bell pepper
8:15pm - 'diner breakfast' for dinner (sausage, potato & carrot home fries, scrambled eggs) 
4 water

no yoga this morning, I'm still down over yesterday's loses, though they're really not that bad, all in all.  in terms of work, I lost a crazy client who was more hassle to work with than was financially rewarding, and the check she wrote for the fee we had agreed for her to pay for the work I did was only $1.25 short (I'm just hoping it clears).  but I learned a lot in the few short days I worked with her.  being asked to take a step back from a particular local business I've been extremely supportive of over the years was a bit of a kick in the ass, but it's time I did that anyway.  I've been falling all over myself on their behalf, at times to my own physical detriment, and that needs to stop for awhile.  a little distance is probably a Very good thing, in this instance, and I'll find a productive way to fill that space in my day in a way that is more beneficial to me than to someone else.  I look forward to the opportunity to reserve some of my energy for my own endeavors, rather than constantly giving it away to promote others.

Friday
9:30am - tomato, broccoli, sweet potato frittata
4:00pm - protein salad of ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, with green salad
9:15pm - lunch leftovers; 1/2 an apple, almonds
5 water

omg, can you tell I'm totally done with this?  I mean, I don't want to be, but I do - I want a break from the rigidity of the program, but I'm happy to keep eating this way as much as I can.  the first thing on the list of reintroductions is legumes, so I think I'm going to have some peanut butter and beans on July 1st, and see how that feels.  beans are certainly cheaper than meat, and a less expensive way to get protein, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I react well to eating them again.

it's sort of anti-climactic, this last day of Whole30. mostly because it's not over, because the reintroductions take another 10 days... I feel like there should be a party at the end, a cake and silly hats or something, but the truth is closer to 'nobody gives a shit that you just did this thing'. 'whoopie, you didn't eat or drink any bread or sugar or legumes or dairy or alcohol for a Whole Month, Good for fucking You!' is what I imagine people I know to be saying to me right now. it's a good thing I did it for me, then, huh? I'm going to list my non-scale victories, now, to get over it:  fewer blemishes, improvement in rashes or patches, fresher breath, flatter stomach, clothes fitting better, rings fitting better, less bloating, more defined muscle tone, less joint swelling, feeling more confident in my appearance, less stiff joints, less painful joints, less stomach pain, less diarrhea/constipation, less gas, less heartburn, less chronic pain, less chronic fatigue, less shoulder/knee/back pain, recovering faster from injury or illness, improved body image, improved self-esteem, healthier relationship with food, practicing mindful eating, improved cooking skills, more nutrition in my diet, feeling generally more productive, energy levels are higher and more even, new healthy habit to teach my kid, and learned new recipes. seems meh. maybe I'm just meh. I really want to get on a scale...

how am I going to feel if I didn't lose any weight, even though that's not suppose to be what this is about?  it was about 'improving my numbers'.  I won't know what effect this all had on 'my numbers' unless I have another round of bloodwork done, which isn't up to me, it's up to my health care provider and my insurance company, so I can't even ask until Monday or Tuesday, but I certainly will ask.

Saturday
9:15am - cauliflower mash scrambled eggs
1:00pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup
7:00pm - taco beef, lettuce, salsa, onion
9:15pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup with ground beef and cauliflower mash
2 water, 2 seltzer

I DID IT!!!  YAAY ME!!!  😁

now, for those reintroductions...I am going to reintroduce some legumes, today, and see how that goes.

Sunday

9:30am - leftover ground beef with green salad and homemade pesto, and CHICK PEAS!  (I love chick peas, let's see if they love me back...)
2:30pm - scrambled eggs with leftover ground beef and cauliflower mash; handful of chick peas; 1/2 apple with PEANUT BUTTER!  (I love peanut butter, let's see if it loves me back...)
8:15pm - ground turkey/cauliflower mash/BLACK BEANS mixed into butternut squash soup
5+ water

I feel a-okay, but a bit gassy...maybe a bit bloaty?  not sure, but keeping an eye on it.  food pantry tomorrow, thank goodness, we're out of everything!  the teen has some money put away in the bank from his Bar Mitzvah, but I hate borrowing from him for a number of reasons, two of which are I don't know when I'll be able to pay him back, and it's only a couple of hundred dollars...but I'm not stressing.  nope.  everything's going to work out ok!  thanks for riding along ~