Tuesday, July 31, 2018
I don't even know where to begin this week. I'm really disappointed, let's start there. it's been 24 days since I finished my Whole30, and I've been feeling a bit crappy for the past week or so...my digestion is kind of out of whack, I've been pimply and sore, and limping...my sleep schedule is off, and I feel bloated and thick. I was at my mom's last Friday, and I thought I might have lost some more weight, so I got on her scale to find out that I Actually Gained Back 20 Pounds! I mean, is that even possible? I guess it is...if I can lose 30 pounds in 30 days, why not gain 20 pounds in 20 days? I'm really frustrated and angry with myself. all that hard work for nothing, and now I not only have to do it again, I have to do it better, and Keep doing it, forever. even the teen is surprised - as he so blithely pointed out, I did a detox Last summer, and kept the weight off for over a year, so why didn't this Whole30 thing work out at least as well as that? so I went from 245 to 215, and back to 235 all in 8 weeks. that Can't be healthy...and here I was, walking around like I felt good about myself for accomplishing something.
frankly, I'm tired of blogging about my food, what I'm eating or not, how I'm affording it, what I'm doing when I can't afford it, how I'm coping...it's all getting rather old. and I'm angry that I have to spend so much time thinking about it. am I a victim of my own conscious conflict? am I somehow simultaneously succeeding, and sabotaging myself? how can I best deactivate/strip away my negative innermost limiting beliefs in order to not contradict my own desires?
I still feel like 'I must have made some sort of mistake' in reading the scale, and meant to stop by the doc's office yesterday to confirm (or deny) those results, but I didn't end up getting to it, so no confirmation as of yet. as far as my food issues go, my fridge is currently mostly bare (just like old times), and the few things that are in it are rapidly rotting veggies. and in case you thought I didn't have enough to complain about, the power was out for most of the day, so I'm sure a portion of what is in my freezer isn't much good, either. good times!
in any case, I think I need to spend more time - in 17 second intervals - working on focusing my desires in order to better manifest my dreams. it seriously disturbs me that a post entitled "Success" gets half as many views as a post called "Relapse". why are there more people interested in seeing me fail than people cheering me on to success? so we're back to that disappointment I spoke of in terms of where I am, who's here with me (or who isn't), and what kind of energy it brings into my life. seeing as how the people I tend to interact with let me down more than they hold me up, it's definitely time for me to change things around again, and as lonely as I already am, I can manage to endure just a little bit longer in order to give bringing the Right kinds of people into my life another shot.
more than anything, I find I am once again disgusted at having trusted in people to be good to my son, who have turned out to do just the opposite. if I had a penny for everyone who ever let us down, well...I'd be able to buy us something decent to eat.
Monday, July 23, 2018
feeling better, I think
what was it this time?
the crackers? the hummus?
sick all day until 3pm, had
a handful of grapes and almonds, then
chicken and Muenster wrapped in lettuce,
a few blue chips and hummus,
seltzer around 6:30pm.
let's see how we do ~
ok so far today,
but it's after 11, and I've yet to eat.
must, now, as I have 'things to do' for others
and can't afford to pass out, or get snappy
as I knew would happen (lack of planning)
ended up having to eat in a kitchen
marbled pound cake
York peppermint patties
all the pastas
reduced fat Jif peanut butter.
the teen took the opportunity to feast
Annie's mac & cheese
he can't have at home
I learned Annie's sold out.
a York peppermint patty
a milk chocolate Cadbury egg
a small bowl of
Annie's (hey, I didn't buy it)
then a half-decent meal of
ground beef, tortellini, and roasted red pepper
mayo (wtf with that?)
when I got home,
two pieces 88% dark chocolate.
my gut feels fine.
my ears don't like dairy,
but I knew that.
still pretty gassy, but
that seems to be the general
got up early, around 4am
8:30 now, still haven't eaten.
this not eating in the morning is
my first hurdle.
I should check my blood sugar...
not bad, but it's eggs, or something else,
I'm getting that 'I'm gonna puke' tingle from my stomach
up my neck
to the back of my throat.
now it's starting to throb behind my eyes...
wait - I get it.
if I don't eat or drink, it doesn't count as
I don't have to start my day.
I'm in that limbo
being out of bed
still in my jammies,
it's got a very boudoir feel, very
finally had some leftovers
then the last
of Muenster cheese
and the Sesame Blues dipped in
tchina (I'm so tired of typing/saying 'tahini' for your colonizing pleasure)
that I snacked on while the leftovers
have a guest coming for a few -
should be fun...
was doing ok,
had some breakfast,
decided to lay off the cheese,
ended up with
gas station pepperoni pizza
and chocolate milkshakes
for late lunch/snack.
then some ice cream
to wash it down.
on my chaise
in my dress
in front of a movie
woke up at
on my chaise
in my dress
movie menu theme music
playing over and over
front door wide open
last thing I remember
the teen was still gaming
I wake him up
hold him accountable by
making him get up
and find his cat
who is supposed to be inside
before dark (his rule)
the cheese may have settled just fine
in my stomach,
but it's making me feel
full in a way that implies
all the work I did last month
was for naught.
and the milkshake just makes me want
I find I can eat my way to the bottom of the
ice cream container
no matter how many milkshakes
lots of pimples for me
maybe my guts hurt.
I forget about pain, then
remember I'm supposed to notice it
because it tells me something
about what's going on with my body,
and a day later, I'll think
"did that hurt?"
protein salad lunch
from a day at Mom's
simple chores, fold laundry,
eat good food because
I've been feeling like I need
to eat better.
like I put that 30 lbs. right back
Monday's still a few days off -
how will I feel if the scale reads above
I want it to say 198...
but I want to be less than
eggs, turkey, hot dog, bun.
two guys in my inbox
one I've been chatting with awhile,
have met in person,
the other is new.
you're not gonna believe it.
check in next week!
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
so on Sunday, I made a mess of myself, and on Monday I paid the price. now it's Tuesday, and I'm going to try and fix it.
I watered the plants.
I did a sinkful of dishes.
I wrote a short story for The Sunday Whirl.
I cooked and ate a veggie frittata, and drank some water.
I did a whole bunch of other stuff that I didn't take the time to write down, or interrupt my day to record.
and now it's another day.
and I'm totally lost, out to sea,
sleeping on and off, an hour here, a few more over there
head stuffed and groggy, stomach in pain, blood sugar over 200
aches achy, and pains hurting,
the limp, the limp,
the headache and the gas and that taste in my mouth
the one that says
"you've done it again,
"you've made yourself Sick.
"you always liked that morning-after effect,
"and sleeping it off for three days before you were ready
to do it again."
and you've done it again.
so many times
you've broken your pancreas
and now you need to figure out how to stop,
or how to do it differently.
finally feeling better
as of some time last night
I'm So over That scene.
how can I seemingly have so much
yet still have so much more?
it's that time of year, month, week
sex on my mind, 24/7
kama sutra, tantra, yab yum
you feel me?
all of it
for three days straight...
if I could only Not be sick
for a bit
that would be good.
I feel like I haven't had a good day since I finished
the Whole30, but
I'm trying to get back to that
I was feeling
for a minute, there.
I spun out of control as soon as I let myself
based on the lack of will of others.
I'd rather be hungry than weak.
I know what I need to do,
now I just need to Do It
which has always been the Hard Part
but I don't ever want
to hurt like that
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
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something about buying a lawnmower at the store, and cutting the lawn, putting it in the shed. minutes ticking away on the clock, he's coming on his boat as she notices her hand on the cabinet, surreal, dream-like. in the room together, electric, overcome by lust, her hand, gripping the pillow...
She stood looking at her hand, where it rested on the back of the wall phone she'd just hung up, after telling him how she was on her way to the store to get a lawnmower. He would be here in less than 6 hours. That was plenty of time for her to get the lawnmower, and mow the lawn. So she might as well get started. Shaking her head to clear the buzz, she headed upstairs to get dressed in some half-dirty clothes - not having showered, she didn't want to put on anything clean - yesterday's jeans, and the t-shirt she'd worn for a few hours the day before. 6 hours. Plenty of time... Dressed, her hair in a bun, she felt almost normal as she bounced down the stairs, keys in hand, and headed for the car.
The drive to town was only about 8 minutes, which was 6 more than she needed to surmise that her head was elsewhere, and needed more than a vigorous shake to clear it - like a near-miss accident at the end of her own driveway, because she was zoned-out, with her head in the clouds. "Must get a grip," she muttered to herself grimly, and shook her head again. She managed the rest of the drive, and the subsequent equipment purchase, with less distraction, though still seemingly engulfed in a haze. Having arrived back home and unloaded the machine, she made a mess of mowing but got it done, and made a home for the new lawnmower in the shed, after wiping it off to maintain it's cherry looks as long as possible. How long, now? 4 more hours? She could sit and watch each minute tick by on the clock...
Where had he called from? Some marina? Like where they keep boats? She knew he worked on a boat or a ship, though she was not sure which, nor what he did on the boat exactly, but the boat was coming to a town nearby, so he was stopping in for a visit. This would be his first time coming to visit her at this address, though he'd certainly been to visit her at several others, in various towns. She got out the sage, and began burning it's smoke into all the corners of the house. He deserved a special kind of attention, and she had every intention of seeing to his needs while he was there. She was cooking dinner, and would be showering and dressing closer to the time when he would be arriving, so she could be fresh. It had been a while since they'd see each other, personally turbulent years for each of them individually, but between them, only ever this secret, timeless romance. She stood looking at her hand, as it rested on the cabinet handle, frozen in the act of meal preparation as she fell back to daydreaming about that one time...
And later, after the meal she had carefully prepared, and after her shower, during which she used the fancy soap, and the upscale facial cleanser, after she had washed her hair, and finished off with the high-end moisturizer, drying naturally as she brushed her teeth and tongue, after she had slipped into that dress, applied eyeliner, and lipstick, powder and oil...after the air around them had turned electric the moment she reached out to welcome him, hand lighting briefly on his arm, that momentary pressure, enough to engorge his lust for her, so perfectly curated for his seduction...after all that, after all the slow, delicate touches on the backs of necks, and on collarbones, fingertips roaming over lips and into mouths..when she had already removed her long, delicate earrings, and placed them in a small ceramic dish on her desk, with a shy little 'tink', as they were already stretching out each other's sighs on her bed, she noticed her hand, all twisted up in the pillow she had been gripping as he drove her body over a wave of pleasure he created within her senses. She loved his visits, as they gave her the excuse she needed to summon her divinity, be worshiped, and allowed her to love him back, freely.
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I'm pretty done with writing down everything I eat for a bit - since I'm doing the reintroductions, now, I'll only post about the foods I'm reintroducing. I did legumes yesterday, so I'll be back to 'regular Whole30 rules' for the next few days while I evaluate my reactions. the hard part is, I woke up with a scratchy throat and a very slightly upset stomach the morning of my reintroduction, before I even ate anything. naturally, I find that confusing, but am still doing my best to pay attention to what's happening with my body. for instance - I feel a little sniffly, and have been coughing and sneezing a bit...is that because I caught a summer cold (why my throat is scratchy)? or is it a reaction to the beans? to be honest, I don't really think it has anything to do with the beans!
I went to the doctor's office today to check my weight - guess what? I LOST 30 POUNDS!!!
several days later, and once again out of food. I mean, there's food, but there's very little meat, barely any veggies, and enough 'off plan' food to fill in the gap, but I'm not eating it. nope. no pasta or dairy for me, thanks. and it's HOT so I don't want to cook anything. now that my Whole30 is over, I've basically stopped eating...yesterday I didn't have breakfast, had eggs with some leftover slaw for lunch, and two raw carrots with pesto for dipping for dinner. I haven't eaten yet today, and it's 4pm. I was 'supposed' to reintroduce non-gluten grains yesterday, but I didn't, which is odd, because I was kind of looking forward to a big bowl of brown rice, but again - it's too hot to cook, so I didn't. sigh...now I'm thinking this program may have triggered my mild eating disorder issues, and adding that into my lack of funds, I may be in some trouble in the near future in terms of my diet and health. I'll try to work with it, but it would also be nice to lose a ridiculous amount of weight really quickly the way I used to when I was a dumb kid. you'd think I might have learned something, but alas...dumb kids apparently grow into dumb adults.
and then I went grocery shopping, and cooked a meal with all the leftovers. Brussels sprouts, red onion, butternut squash, ground turkey, tomato paste, veggie broth, herbs and spices. it wasn't great, but it was good enough. I thought I should go back to writing down what I eat, I feel a bit out of control now that I've taken a week to "ride my own bike" as they say. ugh, and I'm quoting their stupid catchphrases... I even chose to take a bite of the teen's pie that he made, even though I haven't finished the reintroductions. it was only okay, and not worth it, so I was able to just have that one bite, but it did make my sugar cravings go instantly through the roof. I do have cravings from time to time, but much like when I was pregnant, I can't identify what it is I'm craving, so it's hard to satisfy, and I'm willing to forgo the effort. I'm obsessed with my belly, now, and spend time massaging the fat while I flex the muscle underneath, wondering 'if I get slender, will I have excess skin?' so I'm trying to remember to engage my abdominals as much as possible. I still haven't been able to get myself to exercise, which is probably the key to climbing out of this post-challenge low I fell into...the key word is Balance, I think.
from my facebook two days back:
going through a lot of 'feels' since I'm not using food as an emotional crutch just now. I have to face up to the fact that I'm alone and lonely, and why, and what that means in a larger sense. it kind of sucks to know that I'm an unlovable kind of person, and figure out how to move forward with that awareness without chocolate ice cream, cheese, & pizza. the phone never rings for a reason. no one stops by for a reason. no one invites me out for a reason. on another hand, it's fine that they don't, because I don't really want to hang with most people, anyway. pretending to care is exhausting, but a lack of human contact can be lethal, I hear...where's the balance?
around 10am - leftover Brussels sprouts/onion/squash/turkey/sauce with some black beans added in.
now here's something interesting - we went to this show last night at Levon's, it was Paul Green's 'farewell concert to Woodstock', with his show band that he's been on tour with for the past 10 days. some of those kids have been his students for 5 years or more. it was really emotional for all of them, and it was a great show. there was A TON of food there! at some point (after I ate the banana I brought with me), I decided I was going to eat some of it. there were salads, but they either had dressings I couldn't identify, or cheese, or croutons...there were lots of cheesy pastas, and cookies, and brownies, too. one family brought pulled chicken, and I thought, "oh I can have that! with that other family's rice and beans." so I did. earlier in the day, we were supposed to meet a friend in Kingston for lunch, but she got held up, so we just hit the salad bar at the grocery store instead, and I put corn on my salad, and bought a bag of blue chips to spontaneously reintroduce non-gluten grains. I think, like with the beans, I felt a bit bloated and gassy, and possibly even itchy, so I can take it easy with that.
after I ate the chicken and the rice & beans, the gloves came off and I had some ziti...and then some Caesar salad. then a few meatballs, and some more pasta, and a cookie. then another cookie, and a brownie. I kept telling myself it was a special occasion, and it was, but that's no excuse to lose all self control. honestly, on the thread in the Whole30 forums where a bunch of us who all started on June 1st have been chatting, at least two people talked about going nuts at 4th of July barbecues, and it made me feel like, "gosh, I haven't gone off plan once, haven't even had a square of super dark chocolate to celebrate my victory, I'm going to let loose a little," and it turned into an all-out binge. I brought home a tray of food, even, and had a chunk of that pie the teen made, because I'm off-track and running wild, now.
around 12 noon - scrambled eggs with red onion & spinach
slice chocolate pie
sunshine sauce with chips & veggies
1 seltzer, 1 water
ugh, I feel like crap. I feel like I slept all day, and I might just as well have. what a waste! I could sleep through another day, too. I'm tired and bloated, and itchy, and full of cravings...I feel like I gained 10 pounds (sshhh, don't even say that). there's this mucus way up back in my throat, almost like post-nasal drip...
Monday, July 2, 2018
1:30pm - leftover spaghetti squash & meat sauce
5:15pm - 1 1/2 scrambled eggs
7:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce topped with nutritional yeast
9:45pm - almonds and apple slices
12 noon - protein salad with ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt & pepper, celery, slivered almonds, onion, scallion, apple on romaine and spinach
6:30pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli
gotta be honest, I've been up since 6am? or earlier? and I haven't eaten yet, and it's 11:49am, and I just tested my blood, and it was at 116. I think the doctor is either full of it, or the Whole30 works that well. or maybe my insulin production isn't so bad after all? let's just see what happens during the re-introductions, and going forward. I have lots of energy, though, and I feel great! and when my stomach was upset yesterday, I did the energy-moving-thing I do on my belly when it's grumbly, and I noticed distinctly less belly...I dunno...maybe.
I finished reading the book - through to the end. and the re-introductions, and here's what I have to say. I think I'm gonna go Really Slowly on re-introductions. like, maybe just keep eating Whole30-ish, and approach things as I am presented with them. I made it through the "I am so over this" stage, and I'm coming out of "The scale (and mirror) are calling...", because they certainly have been. I'm going to make a long list of the 'non-scale victories' I achieved on the last day or so, and I think it might be worth it for me to have a plan past day 30, too.
8:00am - leftover meat sauce with spinach
7:15pm - leftover turkey protein salad with romaine & spinach
so remember I said I needed to be more fit for some upcoming plans? remember that I said I was going to make that my 'July challenge' since I did Whole30 in June? and I've been noticing that I'm restless in the morning, like I want to move, but I'm not sure how. maybe sun salutations, because it's where I always begin when I want to start exercising, and where I usually stay until I stop doing it one day, for whatever reason. maybe something else, then? maybe just one week of yoga, and a second week of something else..?
79 meals down, 11 to go - or possibly a few more. I'm PMSy again, so I've been pretty hungry...and I'm just about out of food (how does that keep happening?). gotta get to the store today, I guess, or maybe not. I still have
let's see if I can translate that into some meals...
I am so screwed for money right now, but I did manage to get a few things at the store to carry me through the next few days. I have no idea how or what we're going to eat next month, but...one thing at a time, here. I made 'sausage' last night, which is just beef with some spices in it, and I'm going to make cauliflower mash (and possibly caramelize some onions) to go with it for breakfast.
9:00am - beef sausage with cauliflower mash and caramelized onions
2:45pm - chicken salad (chicken, cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, coconut aminos, lemon juice) with salad of romaine, cucumber, radishes, carrot, celery, spinach, red bell pepper
8:15pm - 'diner breakfast' for dinner (sausage, potato & carrot home fries, scrambled eggs)
no yoga this morning, I'm still down over yesterday's loses, though they're really not that bad, all in all. in terms of work, I lost a crazy client who was more hassle to work with than was financially rewarding, and the check she wrote for the fee we had agreed for her to pay for the work I did was only $1.25 short (I'm just hoping it clears). but I learned a lot in the few short days I worked with her. being asked to take a step back from a particular local business I've been extremely supportive of over the years was a bit of a kick in the ass, but it's time I did that anyway. I've been falling all over myself on their behalf, at times to my own physical detriment, and that needs to stop for awhile. a little distance is probably a Very good thing, in this instance, and I'll find a productive way to fill that space in my day in a way that is more beneficial to me than to someone else. I look forward to the opportunity to reserve some of my energy for my own endeavors, rather than constantly giving it away to promote others.
9:30am - tomato, broccoli, sweet potato frittata
4:00pm - protein salad of ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, with green salad
9:15pm - lunch leftovers; 1/2 an apple, almonds
omg, can you tell I'm totally done with this? I mean, I don't want to be, but I do - I want a break from the rigidity of the program, but I'm happy to keep eating this way as much as I can. the first thing on the list of reintroductions is legumes, so I think I'm going to have some peanut butter and beans on July 1st, and see how that feels. beans are certainly cheaper than meat, and a less expensive way to get protein, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I react well to eating them again.
it's sort of anti-climactic, this last day of Whole30. mostly because it's not over, because the reintroductions take another 10 days... I feel like there should be a party at the end, a cake and silly hats or something, but the truth is closer to 'nobody gives a shit that you just did this thing'. 'whoopie, you didn't eat or drink any bread or sugar or legumes or dairy or alcohol for a Whole Month, Good for fucking You!' is what I imagine people I know to be saying to me right now. it's a good thing I did it for me, then, huh? I'm going to list my non-scale victories, now, to get over it: fewer blemishes, improvement in rashes or patches, fresher breath, flatter stomach, clothes fitting better, rings fitting better, less bloating, more defined muscle tone, less joint swelling, feeling more confident in my appearance, less stiff joints, less painful joints, less stomach pain, less diarrhea/constipation, less gas, less heartburn, less chronic pain, less chronic fatigue, less shoulder/knee/back pain, recovering faster from injury or illness, improved body image, improved self-esteem, healthier relationship with food, practicing mindful eating, improved cooking skills, more nutrition in my diet, feeling generally more productive, energy levels are higher and more even, new healthy habit to teach my kid, and learned new recipes. seems meh. maybe I'm just meh. I really want to get on a scale...
how am I going to feel if I didn't lose any weight, even though that's not suppose to be what this is about? it was about 'improving my numbers'. I won't know what effect this all had on 'my numbers' unless I have another round of bloodwork done, which isn't up to me, it's up to my health care provider and my insurance company, so I can't even ask until Monday or Tuesday, but I certainly will ask.
9:15am - cauliflower mash scrambled eggs
1:00pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup
7:00pm - taco beef, lettuce, salsa, onion
9:15pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup with ground beef and cauliflower mash
2 water, 2 seltzer
I DID IT!!! YAAY ME!!! 😁
now, for those reintroductions...I am going to reintroduce some legumes, today, and see how that goes.
9:30am - leftover ground beef with green salad and homemade pesto, and CHICK PEAS! (I love chick peas, let's see if they love me back...)
2:30pm - scrambled eggs with leftover ground beef and cauliflower mash; handful of chick peas; 1/2 apple with PEANUT BUTTER! (I love peanut butter, let's see if it loves me back...)
8:15pm - ground turkey/cauliflower mash/BLACK BEANS mixed into butternut squash soup
I feel a-okay, but a bit gassy...maybe a bit bloaty? not sure, but keeping an eye on it. food pantry tomorrow, thank goodness, we're out of everything! the teen has some money put away in the bank from his Bar Mitzvah, but I hate borrowing from him for a number of reasons, two of which are I don't know when I'll be able to pay him back, and it's only a couple of hundred dollars...but I'm not stressing. nope. everything's going to work out ok! thanks for riding along ~