Aliyah-versary

 y'all, my artistic practice has been all pent up inside of me for most of a year now, and it's making me sad and angry.  I stare at the plastic bin filled with the art supplies I deemed too important to part with and dream about things I left behind, like the driftwood I collected from the Esopus River that came to live in a wicker basket woven by my son during a homeschool workshop.  I miss my pile of fabric and bags of yarn, yet don't write in my journal, blog, knit, or sew.  I did start a collage and immediately realized I didn't have any glue, so it's been on hold until I had the cash to buy the glue, and now that I have it, it's been sitting on the table waiting for me to find the time to use it.  and I can't even tell you how much I want to order loops to weave potholders with, but I simply can't buy another thing other than rent, electricity, and food until my finances begin to stabilize, which I don't see happening any time soon as I can't seem to find a job at which I can succeed.  

I've been here in Israel for a whole year now, and I'm living the same life I've lived everywhere I've been - in a small apartment, hopping from one relatively unskilled low-wage job to another, and existing paycheck to paycheck.  the only difference is that I have no people here, so it's extra lonely, and I don't speak/understand the language all that well.  I'm still living out of my suitcases and surrounded by unopened boxes of chachkis and decor that I have no place to display or store, and I'd really love to begin the process of furnishing my tiny space so that it can feel slightly less...temporary?  like I'm not just idling here, waiting for my real life to begin?  I want to feel more settled and comfortable so I can relax.  I did buy a bookshelf, which helped a bit, and I was hoping to invest in a clothes rack with my next paycheck, but...it's just going to have to wait.  

the first job I landed, a few months after I got here, was as an assistant in a 'gan', which is like kindergarten but the kids were younger, and my role was to help a little English boy who barely spoke a word of Hebrew to fit in and get along well enough to start learning.  when the school year ended in June I stayed on for 'keetanah' during July, which is sort of like summer camp, though I didn't see much difference in the way we operated - it was just another month at the gan.  then it turned out that all public childcare activities in Israel cease during August, so I scrambled to get another job quickly as not to be unemployed.  so I worked as a 'mitapelet' - a caregiver - for an English woman in her 80's, but it was only 21 hours a week and paid less than the gan, which I soon realized wasn't going to cover my rent, let alone anything else.  the agency I worked for told me I could add more clients and get more hours, but they didn't have any clients who needed me in the afternoons, as my main person claimed all my morning hours.  the fact was that the lady I was working for was going to need a live-in caregiver soon enough, so I'd be out of the job anyway, and to be honest, nice as she and her family were, it wasn't for me.  

so I got a job at another gan during September and October, but it didn't work out because the person I worked with didn't like me, and told the owner it was me or her, and seeing as how she had been there for 3 years, I was let go.  for the first two weeks of November I ran around to job agencies, interviews, and job fairs, and was quickly employed with a telemarketing company selling visas and job platforms to people who want to immigrate to Canada and the US.  while I'd worked in sales before - door to door, on the phone, and in art galleries - I neither enjoyed, nor did well at it, and this was no different.  I'd much rather be weaving potholder sets to sell at craft markets along with other cool arty things I enjoy making, but I don't have the money to live on while building up a business at the moment.  and I don't understand Hebrew well enough to go out on my own yet, anyway - the laws here are fairly particular, and I'm not currently equipped to start dealing with them.  back in the US, I was working in peer support in the homeless shelter system, which paid a livable wage - here in Israel, that's mostly a volunteer position.  I thought I had gotten lucky when the office of immigration here recently invited me to an advanced language class for social workers, but I chose to drop out of after three classes because it was above my current level of understanding, then the class was cancelled due to low enrollment.

adaptable as I am, it's hard for me to live in a city, even one I've loved all my life.  I do still hope that in the coming years I manage to find myself in a different kind of community - one that feeds my soul more.  I hope I can manage to find myself in a more rural area, doing a job I can believe in, though I realize I have a great deal of building to do to get there, and I'm not sure I'll survive to see that day.  I did manage to connect with a social worker who helped me get an appointment with a dental hygienist, something I've been trying to accomplish since a month or so after I got here and hadn't succeeded with yet.  I've had limited success in dealing with the health care system in general, and find it more frustrating than supportive (again - language barrier).  I still haven't quite managed to figure out the pharmacy though I do seem to have somehow been getting my prescription medication more regularly.  they'd like me to do more tests, see more specialists, and take more drugs but I'm resistant, so they have me marked down as 'low compliance' on my paperwork which I find hysterical, insulting, and problematic.  I mean, I think I have a right to have as strong a say in my own healthcare as my doctors, and screw them if they think I'm going to follow them blindly down paths that don't feel good to me.

I'd like - along with living in a more rural environment because I think they go hand in hand - to find where all the herbalists and natural healers are around here.  like, where is the alternative community?  skate punks, rock and rollers, musicians and magic makers?  where are my people?  I was recently contacted by a tarot group I used to belong to back when we were all in covid lockdown and it's one of the many things reminding me that all my little altar items that help me feel grounded, protected, and supported are all still boxed up waiting to have a place to call home.  and while the possible resurgence of the tarot group may be fun, they're all in the States and so the meetings will be via zoom at 2am for me.  and who knows how any of the people in that group feel about Jews and/or Israel?  does it matter?  should it?  when or how would it come up?  I guess we'll just have to see.

I did come across a women's group that seems to do some deep work around ancient Jewish matriarchs, our mothers from the bible stories, and I'd love to go experience one of their circles, but it's yet another thing I need to feel more confident in my language skills to navigate in a way that feels more connecting than frustrating.  if I could even afford to attend one of the workshops and manage to figure out how to get to the place where the events are held, I'm sure it will be another one of those moments of freedom and opening that reminds me how everything happens just the way it's supposed to, and we all get where we're meant to go...eventually.  there is some cosmic way that my years of wandering in and out of prosperity though various locales and cultures of academia and wage slavery while recording my journey in writings, sketches, crafts, jewelry, sacred objects, ritual spaces, photography, collage, and digital images will culminate in a series of writing workshops where people work together finding the many ways our stories are holy and how sharing them can uplift us all - I just haven't found it yet.

most days I just want to give up, lie down, and die already.  what Earthly good am I doing?  I've spent the last week and a half - including my birthday - basically laying in bed, watching old tv shows on pirate websites, ignoring the fact that I probably won't have enough money to cover my rent next month, let alone pay the bills or buy food.  and what will I do then?  will I be able to afford a storage space for my belongings, or to hire help to get them there?  and how will it be to attempt to survive on the streets, here?  how will my lack of ability to afford my prescription medication affect my health?  especially if I can't control what I'm eating, or when?  I'll guess I'll find out soon enough.  maybe I will die, then, so I guess I'll get what I want.  or maybe I'll just keep on living in more and more desperate circumstances for many more years until I do finally enjoy the sweet release of death, having experienced several more levels of hell before I get there.  like an 'if I think it's bad now, just wait and see how bad it can get' sort of scenario.

oh well.  at least I tried.  I guess... 

it hasn't been a great year, and I don't feel as if I've 'ascended' or 'risen' in any sense of the word.  sure, I'm in Israel, but it hasn't done a damn thing for me other than shown me that no matter how much I try to be part of a community and work towards the uplifting of said community, I'm just not really welcome, wanted, or needed.  story of my life, considering my mother wasn't really on board with having me.  I wonder what my soul journeyed here for, then?  why would it pick such a miserable and pathetic path for itself?  I hope I figure it out, because I definitely don't want to ride this ride again.  I can't believe my purpose here was to make another human with the same doubts and fears I have, who will end up in even worse circumstances than me unless he can figure out some way to find joy and happiness in his own life.  if not, than I will have failed in that, too.  and that would be the worst fail of all my many fails, because he didn't ask for it, and certainly doesn't deserve it.

what manner of monster am I?