Croning (trigger warning...possibly uncomfortable subject matter ahead.)

so, The Unused Portion has been on a bit of a hiatus, which is obviously a good thing, if you tend to play along...

yeah, I'm still here again, and I'm sorry I talk about uncomfortable things like my mental health, thoughts of suicide, and my eventual death, but...that's life, and as the tagline states, "just whatever's on my mind".  well, being human, sometimes death and dying are on my mind.  not so much today, but it will come up again, trust me.  and it's about to be the Autumnal Equinox, so...it's the season for it, anyway.  my ancestors have been closer than usual.

so what's the news, kids?  what's up with you lurkers in the dark?  why Do you read along?  it's for the gossip, isn't it?  yeah, I know you.  freaks.

the word of the day is 'pain'.  it has been the word of the day for several days, now.  whatever the eczema-type rash thing I currently have on my right ankle is, it sure is making a show of wanting my attention.  I'm assuming I ate a whole bunch of something that irritated it, or simply irritated it by eating whole bunch of something...anything.  who knows.  eggs?  white flour?  sugar?  processed foods?  all of the above?  it probably wasn't the protein salad.  I stopped seeing the doctor over my weight issues because she just pissed me off with her deprivation diet, but I did start seeing a nutritionist.  she's nice, but I haven't really made any progress on my weight/health with her, either.

our recent move (been here 1 month!), added a lot of pressure to my food issues, and once I got settled in, found my journals and glucometer, it turned out my blood sugar levels were really high!  up above 200!  I got them to come down pretty quickly with a careful diet and the world's tiniest bit of exercise, but it's hard to keep them down on my budget (with my lack of abilities) so I stopped checking again for a minute.  also, my fingertips got sore from the constant pin pricks, and test strips cost money.  so my ankle peels and burns, and swells and cracks and weeps.  and I ice it, and put warm compresses on it, and moisturize it, and let it dry out, and rub it, but do my best not to scratch it (I fail).  putting on a shoe is one kind of hell - walking is another.  I drink SO much water, and try not to eat at all (which leads to a whole slew of other issues), but it's so bad now, it's all I can think about.  I've been contemplating a shower to soothe it for more than an hour, and I think I'm ready to go there.  I also remembered that we bought aspirin when the teen got his braces on, so I'll probably take a few of those, too.

it's a bit better now, after a hot compress, and getting wrapped in gauze...though the aspirin may have had more to do with it, who knows.

it's interesting to note that it's just the way it was 9 years ago, when I first moved here - when I got so sick and broke out in hives the way I do, and ended up with a prescription to prednisone after a trip to the emergency room.  fun times.  but like I was telling my therapist this morning, (because I have it all wrapped up, now, like I do from time to time to keep my hands off it so I can let it heal and she asked what happen as people will when I wrap it up), it's all about moving, and poor food choices, and stress overload, and coming down from all of that toxicity...and my nostrils dried out!  where I get my pimples just turned to sandpaper overnight.  I'm 'croning'; moving into aging gracefully - or as smoothly as I can manage, anyway.  paying attention to the foods I feed myself needs to be part of that, no matter how much I resent having to pay that attention.

I'm getting there.  I bought some new soap, and moisturizer.  I scheduled an expensive haircut at a fancy salon.  the part of me that wants to care deeply and lovingly for myself is learning to be gentle with the part of me that wants to press hard on the spot where it hurts the most, and stick hot needles into my deepest pain.  but I'm cleansing the wound instead, applying salve, wrapping it in soft bandages.  just taking a moment to indulge myself, and letting that be ok.  yes, there's so much that needs to get done, and I'm doing it, but I need to make time for me, too.  to let all the chaos resolve to an order, and release the tension.  listen to what the body needs, and provide it.

*right after typing that last paragraph, I took off the bandage and scratched the hell out of the wound, then had to clean it all up and rewrap it.  sigh ~

---

and it's a Tuesday, after a gig weekend, and I am hurting.  my foot is SO much better, but is still a mess, so I'm doing my best to ignore it outside of cleaning and moisturizing it.  I've been sneezing and coughing, and my sides hurt from it.  my head is stuffed, and my back has been threatening to seize for about a week.  I'm wheezy and weak-kneed, eyes baggy, sinuses clogged.  I still refuse to close the windows, though my bare feet are freezing under the desk in the breeze from the window (it's about 50 degrees out, but I'm sure it's not that cold inside).  I don't want to wear my slippers because they hurt the wound on top of my right foot.  I suppose I could put on the left one...

I need to write, but I have 17 (17!) saved drafts already, and I have so much I want to do with this blog!  I have years of backlogged work that I keep myself from completing, and it feels like I'm out of time, out of other options, and I am unwilling to do anything else at this point but my own work.  so I've cleared the boards, but I'm still all stuck in my head in a big knot that needs untangling.  luckily, I'm skilled at untangling knots.  all it takes is time and patience, which I've had more trouble with, in the abstract.

of the many times I've spoken of being a sort of duality, I am also the whole universe at once, as we all are, though I have removed so many of my societal filters, I see no point in taking part in most of our social constructs.  yet I do want to be a part of this world, have a place in it from time to time before retreating back to my fool's sanctuary of dreams and flimsy things that have no reason or meaning.  it's just my creative process, but what am I making?  and how does one measure that on a scale of comparable importance?  yet who cares for such things as usefulness and productivity when one can pursue Truth and Beauty!  whatever else I do in this life, I'm sure I'll manage to pass on at least one important bit of wisdom to future generations through my child.  which of the many I've gifted him with it will be, I can't say...

and I did get a haircut, and my foot is getting better, but spending my weekend partying like an (aging) rock star with one of my oldest and most toxic friends sent the roller coaster I've been riding around a curve and through a tunnel, because I said something to my nutritionist that she asked me to say to my therapist, so I guess I feel like I should type it out here, as well:

"If you're going to kill yourself, yummy food is not a bad way to go.  I keep wondering how many more ice creams until I have the heart attack." - me

 now, I'm Not suggesting I'm about to kill myself, people, so CALM DOWN.  I'm simply suggesting that We Are All Going To Die from One thing or Another, Eventually, so what's the harm in me eating a whole pie over the course of a day or two every now and again?  why does it really matter?  my therapist suggested that the quality of the life I have left to live on this planet might be affected, and again, I feel slightly fatalistic about such things, because I honestly think I will off myself if and when that happens.  in any case, it's not today, so we will continue with the chronicles of my resistance to eating well and exercising regularly, figuring out whether or not being fat is the root of all my problems, and if it's worth giving up eating a chocolate cream pie as if it were a single serving in the hopes of one day setting eyes on grandchildren.  stay tuned ~

From Soup to Nuts

I made a new-to-me soup!  and the teen did not want my new soup for his dinner, the brat.  he tasted it, but declared it unfit for consumption.  I was surprisingly pleased with it.  here's the ish...it's Mollie Katzen's Moosewood Cookbook "Gypsy Soup".  the recipe at the link isn't the one I used, though...I used this version before I realized it was 'adapted'.  the only real difference is the addition of kale, and the subtraction of bell pepper and tamari...but that's not the ish.  the ish is - - - if you guessed 'the name', give yourself a cookie (or a bowl of soup!).  while I'm not going to write Ms. Katzen and demand she change the name of her soup that she published in 1977, I do need to think of something to call this dish in My house, so I don't have to use that stupid name.  that being said, this soup is everything.  it's so good!  the sweet potato I had was sadly all old and spongey, so I had to swap it out for russets, and I saw it suggested that you could swap just about any orange veggie for the sweet potatoes, and any green veggie for the bell peppers, and have it turn out just as good.

there is something about the spice mix that reminds me very much of the 70's - of orange corduroy bell-bottoms, crocheted vests, and wooden-heeled clogs.  of food co-ops, and ancient grains, natural hair, and macrame.  it doesn't smell like anything that ever simmered in my mother's kitchen, but it's still so familiar, like something from a memory, a dream, or a past life.  deja vu soup.  seance soup.  70's soup.  hearty autumn soup.  burnt-orange soup.  could I simply call it Romani soup?  no, it sounds too much like 'people soup', or 'human soup'.  I mean, how would I feel about 'Jew Soup'?  I'd probably wonder why the person who named it that couldn't just call it 'chicken soup', which it probably would be...but my point is, it was super-yummy, and I will make it again.  this may be my most successful soup to date!

first I learned to make chicken soup - from a shikse (non-Jew) of all people - because...I mean, you gotta, and I AM a Jewish mother, after all (why I didn't learn to make it from my own Jewish mother is another story entirely).  last winter I made that garlic soup that was only ok.  then I learned to poach chicken, because I needed the broth for butternut squash soup, which turned out ok, and seems to have been eaten.  finally, I made the veggie scrap soup I'd been pondering for more than 20 years, and used it in my chili, to cook rice, and wherever liquid was called for in a recipe.  I made a second batch of veggie scrap, and used it in my second batch of butternut squash soup which was better than the first batch, but proved too boring to eat plain, or was simply too bland.  I need to work on that.  so then I made Mollie Katzen's soup with the last of the veggie scrap, and it was amazing!  I've been wanting to try minestrone for a few years, now, so that will be next on the agenda...

short story about my relationship to minestrone soup:  when I was still young enough to live at home with my family, there was some dish that my mom would make every now and again that my dad, bro, and I loved, that she didn't eat.  I have no memory of what that meal was, but I DO remember that whenever she made it for us, she would warm up a can of Progresso minestrone soup, and be so happy to have it all to herself.  I remember liking what I was eating, but I also remember being curious about my mom's magical soup.  she refused to share it.  and so, I never had a bite of minestrone soup in my life, because it didn't belong to me, and my mom told me I couldn't have it.  many years later, I had a baby of my own, who I can't imagine Not sharing delicious food with at every opportunity.  back then, there used to be this cool organic kid cereal on the market called Mighty Bites, which my baby loved as a finger-food snack, and I loved for it's healthfulness.  the cereal company ran a promotion for a free 'Brain Foods for Kids' cookbook, which I immediately ordered, and still keep in my kitchen today.  it's got these great little blurbs about which ingredients in each of the recipes offer specific benefits to the child's developing brain and body, and how the child's body processes those ingredients.  it's a great read, with wonderful pictures of tasty, healthy meals, and simple instructions so even a kitchen hack like myself can craft a delicious meal.  one of the recipes in the book is for 'Mighty Minestrone', and it's been at least 10 or 12 years that I've been looking at that recipe, thinking, "I'm going to make that someday".  December 11th was that day.  I have defeated another one of the demons handed to me by someone else to carry, and got myself a nice pot of nourishing soup out of it.  don't take your minestrone for granted, there may be someone out there who doesn't think they are allowed to have it.  you might want to share yours with them.  I know I do.

the minestrone was a hit - the teen liked it, but I Loved it!  I found myself wondering, though...are the two basically the same?  'Romani' Soup and minestrone?  this is the Moosewood recipe from Mollie Katzen:

3-4 Tbsp. olive oil
2 cups chopped onion
2 cloves crushed garlic
1/2 cup chopped celery
2 cups chopped, peeled sweet potatoes or winter squash (or a cup of each)
2 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. turmeric
1 tsp. basil
1 tsp. salt
Dash of cinnamon
Dash of cayenne
1 bay leaf
3 cups stock or water
1 cup chopped, fresh tomatoes (or substitute 1 can of tomatoes)
3/4 cup chopped sweet bell pepper
1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas
1 Tbs. tamari

In a large saucepan sautee onions, garlic, celery, and sweet potatoes in olive oil for about five minutes. Add seasonings except tamari, and the stock or water. Simmer, covered, fifteen minutes. Add remaining vegetables and chickpeas. Simmer another 10 minutes or so until all the vegetables are as tender as you like them.

Check salt. Add tamari if it could use a little more. Serve alongside cornbread or a crusty harvest bread.


and here is the recipe I used for the minestrone, from Brain Foods for Kids:

2 Tbs, olive oil
1 leek, sliced
1 carrot, finely chopped
1 stalk celery, finely chopped
3 green beans, finely sliced
1 quart vegetable bouillon
1 1/4 cups tomato puree
2 bay leaves
scant 1 cup pasta chapes
2/3 cup cannellini beans (drained & rinsed)
sprig of rosemary
salt & pepper to taste
grated parmesan to serve

heat the oil over medium heat, add the leek.  cook 5 minutes, stirring occasionally until tender.  add carrot, celery, and green beans, cook for another 5 minutes.  add bouillon, tomato puree, and bay leaves.  stir well, bring to a boil; then simmer, half covered, for 15 minutes.

remove and reserve the bay leaves, and puree the vegetables slightly (with a hand blender or food processor), so there are still some 'bits'.  put the bay leaves back in, add the pasta, beans, and rosemary, and bring to a boil.  reduce the heat slightly and cook for 10 minutes, or until the pasta is tender.  remove the bay leaves and rosemary, and season to taste.  serve with a sprinkle of parmesan.


nope, not the same at all.  different spices mixes, different beans, different veggies.  different tastes.  I'm learning, slowly...so what should I make next?  I'm a big fan of one-pot meals because they help my process by not being too complicated, and also simplifying clean-up.  maybe tomato soup or red sauce?  yes!  the third of the five French mother sauces!  within the past 5 years or so, probably through my voracious watching of movies procurable at my three closest local libraries, I became aware of these 'mother sauces', and their place in French cuisine.  not being much of a cook myself, let alone one who knows about things like 'mother sauces', I was happy to learn that my natural instinct towards accumulating knowledge for its own sake followed a path I didn't know was there to tread.  I doubt I'll follow it to its end, but the side steps are worth taking by virtue of being there.  so - the five French mother sauces:  bèchamel, velouté, sauce tomat, espagnole, and hollandaise.

I learned to make roux (butter and flour) one night when a friend's daughter asked to spend the night at my house, and my friend, incredulous that I had survived more than 30 years on this planet without having learned to make it before, not only wrote down her recipe for homemade macaroni & cheese, she cooked it for us for dinner so I would know how to make it for her daughter the next night.  and her daughter (who was maybe 10 or 11 at the time?) coached me through both the grocery-buying, and the cooking processes.  I believe it turned out ok.  so I can make a bèchamel sauce (roux and milk), and Mornay sauce (bèchamel with cheese), which is generally what one uses for the previously mentioned mac & cheese.  recently, I had a 'leftover' container of sour cream hanging around in my fridge -  I'd bought it for the latkes I didn't end up making for Hannukah - so in the interest of using it up before it went bad, I wondered if I could make a bèchamel sauce from it, since I didn't have any milk.  I didn't document the process, but I looked up something that brought me to a recipe for garlic cream sauce, which not only used up my sour cream, but some chicken broth I had, as well.  and I had lots of garlic.  win-win-win.  turns out roux and stock is the base for the second French mother sauce, veloutè.

wow, two of the French mother sauces have been butchered in my kitchen?  hell yes.  time to destroy a third...to be fair, my Mornay is passable, but I doubt my veloutè would have been exciting to anyone other than me.  not bad for a first try, for sure, but it was not a well-executed project (I can't even find the recipe, or remember what I had it with).  since there is probably little to no cause for me to even attempt either the espagnole or hollandaise sauces, and I do use jarred marinara frequently enough (and have thought about making my own, often enough), sauce tomat seems to follow the natural progression.  it turns out, 'sauce tomat' as specific to French cuisine consists of "salt pork belly, onions, bay leaves, thyme, tomatoes (or purée), roux (butter & flour), garlic, salt, sugar, pepper."  it also turns out I don't know squat about what we dismissively refer to as 'red sauce' in our house - a sauce which has a deeper and more involved global history that I would have taken the time to consider, before reaching the age where food has obviously taken the place of sex in my life, with no great compliment to Rodney Dangerfield for that joke...

ugh...so much more to learn, still!  I feel like my job Here is to fill my brain with as much random, esoteric knowledge as possible to be downloaded when 'what I was' returns to Void from The Circus, and it looks like that's going to be another post, entirely.  there was plenty of good cooking happening over the 'holiday season', even in my reluctant kitchen.  having covered the 'soup', here's the 'nuts' - the chocolate peanut smoothies didn't turn out that well, and unlike the teen, I'm not of the opinion that it was because I used almond butter instead.  the chocolate fondue, on the other hand, was Brilliant, and we devoured it with a whole quart of strawberries, and had plenty left over.  we found a way to top just about everything with it until it was gone.  I made French fries, just like dad used to make, which means cutting the potatoes up really thin, and frying them almost brown.  the teen loved those, too.  I did that thing where you take the leftover mashed potatoes, and whatever other leftover veggies there are, and mix them together with some egg and flour to make 'pancakes'...leftover veggie-potato pancakes, I guess.  for some reason, I want to think of them as a traditional Romani dish, but I don't know why.  they were quite yum, and the teen ate enough of them to make me feel like I get to add another gold star to my Jewish Mama holiday cooking playbook!

Shabbat Shalom

First Friday of the New Calendar Year

11:00am
my family began observing 'Friday Night Dinner', otherwise known as Shabbat, when I was around four years old.  my parents may have been observant since they'd been married, or longer...I know it was a tradition on the kibbutz where my dad grew up, and I'm pretty sure my mom grew up with it as well, like generations of other New York City Jews. my memory of it in my life only goes back that far, but it's pretty well far enough to be considered an enduring tradition in my life.  my grandparents on my mother's side would usually join us, and we'd eat around the table in the dining room instead of at the 'regular' table in the kitchen.  Friday Night Dinner was a major pain as a teen, because I couldn't go out with my friends or my boyfriend until it was over, and it lasted for hours.  as a young adult, I never gave engaging with it a second thought, though every now and then I'd end up at one at my brother's house (he took over the tradition when his own family started growing, and our mom goes to his house, now) or at a synagogue sponsored event.  I don't believe I've Ever hosted a Shabbat dinner, though I've wanted to, and even if I can't do them consistently, week after week, year in year out, with my extended family, it's still worth doing for me, for my teen, at least once.  while we were cuddling on the couch this morning - our 5 minute snooze button - I was reminiscing about how his Grandma had done the same with us when we were kids, and suddenly realized it was Friday...and since we didn't have any after school/practice plans, I decided we should have Shabbat dinner!  (which met with a resounding NO, of course.  teens are so pleasant.)

for me, growing up, Shabbat dinner consisted of:

• a clean house
• traditional dress, or something between school clothes and formal wear
• the 'good' dishes/silver on the big table in the dining room with the Sabbath tablecloth
• lighting candles
• some quick prayers
• Manishevitz
• challah
• chicken soup
• salad
• main dish
• side dishes
• dessert
• coffee

it's already 11am on Friday afternoon, and my life looks nothing like my mom's, with her cleaning lady, privilege, and years of experience being a traditional Jewish mom - but we all have to start somewhere, and the Shabbat dinners of my early youth were certainly more modest than the ones we had when I was in high school, up until I was in my mid-20's, and my parents sold that house.  so my version is going to be just perfect for what it is.  a first try.  a leap of faith in the spontaneity of playful nostalgia.  anyway, if I'm gonna get this done, I'm gonna need to get started...there's no way I can do what my mom did, with the time and resources I have, and my limited capabilities in the kitchen, but here's what I can do:

• cleaning the house is gonna be a low priority in favor of getting the meal together.
• I'll get dressed when it's all set to go, before serving.
• setting the table - will fall to the teen when he gets home.
• find some candle holders, and check to make sure I have Shabbat candles (pretty sure I do).
• gotta hit the liquor store for Manishevitz...I hope they have it!
• I'll need a challah, too...unless I can bake one?  no, don't push it.
• chicken soup...I think I have everything I need:  chicken (frozen, but apparently that's ok.  I already put it in the fridge to thaw, since I don't have to start it until later), carrots, celery, onion, a potato for the hell of it because I have a lot of them, salt, pepper, parsley, oregano.
• salad - I've got spring mix and spinach.  plus carrots, celery, green pepper, scallions, cherry tomatoes, croutons, and creamy Caesar dressing.
• main dish - I think I'm going to make chili.  I know I have everything for that, because I bought  it all at the store yesterday.
• for a side dish, maybe steamed broccoli, and also possibly green beens?
• I need a dessert, unless I can think of something to make, but I'm going out anyway, so...
• we don't drink coffee, but there's tea and cocoa in the house (and liquor, for that added warmth in the cup).

I need to mention, here, the two free bags of groceries that showed up on my porch by way of my dear acquaintance J, who I met through some disadvantaged women artist weekly brainstorming meeting group (they set it up, and it met at her offices) - my car recently broke down, and I remembered a few years ago I needed snow tires, and J got me in touch with the United Way who were able to help me buy them.  so hoping the United Way might help me again, I called J to see if they might be able to expedite the process in any way, and to see if they could give me a ride to or from the mechanic's when the car was ready (they live close by), but we crossed communications and missed each other.  BUT - they left two bags of groceries on my porch, and when I got home, the bags were waiting there for me.  carrots, onions, potatoes, celery, milk, cheese, oatmeal, a whole chicken and two additional 2.5 lbs. packages, spinach, spring, mix, eggs, butter, bread, pb & j, two boxes of pasta, and two jars of red sauce...it was so sweet and kind, and welcome.  I already made one pot of soup from that gift, and a pot of mashed potatoes, and I'm feeling pressured because I want to use it all before it goes bad!  ugh, I'm in a race against time, here, and I have to get back to it!

12:00pm
ok, so the shopping list is simply Manishevitz, challah, and dessert, so I'm gonna run out and get that at 2pm, before I start the cooking portion of this evening's entertainment around 3 or 3:30.  I'll clean up until then, and have the teen clear the table off so he can set it nicely with my Sapta Lisa's dishes that are tucked away in the back of the cabinet when he gets home.  when all that's handled, the food is ready, he's showered and we're both dressed, we'll light the candles, say the prayers, serve, and enjoy!

5:00pm
chicken soup is technically done, but I'm letting it simmer for however long, and the chili is cooking, with the timer set for 1 hour.  yay!  got the Manishevitz and the challah, bought a box cake for dessert, because that was what I thought I could handle.  I haven't even looked at the directions to see when I need to start it, yet!  so, I just need to make the salad, and the sides.  I wished I had thought to make mashed potatoes, and I guess I still can, because I think that goes better with broccoli, and we can just have that as one side (potatoes and broccoli), and green beans for the other.  seems somehow better to me.  so I guess I should go put those up if I want them to be ready...was just taking a quick break after getting it all on track!

8:15pm
That.  Was Freaking.  Fantastic.  I just hosted my first successful Shabbat dinner!  I made:  chicken soup with carrots and noodles, a pot of chili, roasted potatoes/broccoli/garlic, steamed green beans with butter, and a salad.  the teen came home in a mood, and made a big show about how much he hated everything and how my asking him to shower, dress, get out a tablecloth, clear and set the table, find the candle holders and get two candles to put in them, was the most heinous thing I ever could have asked of him, but I gave him a firm talking to, told him his tomorrow's freedom depended on his willingness to participate in my rather important to me endeavor tonight, so he complied, and he even got in the spirit in the end.  once the food was ready, he was ready, and the table was ready, I got ready, and he actually took a picture of the table.  then we lit the Shabbat candles, said the same prayers my dad used to say, from his book, sipped the wine and broke the bread, and sat down to our meal!

the teen had two bowls of soup, most of the green beans (I was allowed a spoonful), and one scoop each of chili and roasted veggies, but no salad.  I ate Everything...I'm so stuffed!  Success!  after we cleared the table and set all the leftovers aside to cool, he was released to play video games while I did the dishes, filled the tupperware containers to pack into the fridge and freezer, mixed the cake, and put it in the oven.  just as I decided to check in again, the timer went off  ~ ~ ~ needs more time, which is fine; it gives me more time to finish the paragraph while the cake cools for 15 minutes, at which point, we will finish off our Sabbath meal extravaganza, and put a big, gold star in my Jewish Mama book.  feeling pretty good, yes I am!

cake was both moist and fluffy, with gooey chocolate bits mixed in.  we didn't even get to the cocoa...food coma now.  zzz...

*based on the teen's dad posting "My guitar says it needs a band soon, or it's moving to LA. and taking the amp with it." on facebook, I've been hearing one of my all time favorite happy songs play in my head (I posted it in his comments, wondering if he remembered it, how much I loved it, and doubted he did), which I played while cooking.  well, for about 6 minutes of the cooking, because I went ahead and played it twice.

Shabbat Shalom!

O
o
.
  

The Poor Gourmet

if there's one thing I totally don't have down, it's food.  I do my best in the kitchen, and have made some lovely things from time to time, but that is Not the norm, and I make up for my lack of food planning and preparing skills by being charming in other ways.  if you read along, you may have caught my recent posts about doing the Whole30 challenge, for what that was worth, and it was worth enough for me to start paying much closer attention to what I eat, and how it affects me.  also if you've been reading along, you may have noticed that I recently spent two weeks in Israel, where I ate an array of tasty foods in a number of venues!  for starters, knowing I was going away, I just served up whatever needed using up in the fridge before we left, so we ate a bunch of sandwiches from the deli, and pizza.  I had a burger before I left my house, knowing I wouldn't get a 'good American cheeseburger' overseas, then ended up getting just one more the next day at my mom's, because she had the same plan!

there's nothing good to say about Newark or the airline (United) at all, in terms of food (and other matters), so I'm just going to skip ahead to the first real Israeli meal we had, which was the breakfast buffet at the Artplus in Tel Aviv.  it was small, but everything I would expect from an Israeli buffet:  scrambled eggs, shakshuka, hard boils, greens, hummus, tchina, pastry, cereal, juices, salads, bread, coffee, tea.  everything was delicious but my hard boiled egg - the yolk was too green for me, and it affected the taste of the white.  we hit the road pretty quickly, only stopping for some ice cream and drinks for a snack/lunch before continuing on to the kibbutz we would be staying at for the next few days, where we were met with Israeli salad, and challah rolls.

our friends on the kibbutz had the best eggs!  fresh and delicious, with bright yellow yolks and creamy whites.  they were perfect hard boiled, scrambled, or as a thin, Israeli omelette.  there were plates of Israeli salad at every meal (tomato, cucumber, lettuce), cheeses, leben with oil, home-made challah rolls, olives, mango, watermelon...there was schnitzel - chicken pounded thin, breaded and fried to a golden crisp.  there were figs from the trees.  there was lunch out at the nearest roadside diner, an Arab place where we all had kebob, either beef or chicken, as well as the standard salad/hummus/tchina/pita spread (yay!  finally!), including Matbucha (the teen's first new love on this trip), pickles, olives, and some sort of coconut flan for dessert with the sweetest pink syrup I have ever tasted (along with the standard baklava, and other delights).

Netanya...what to say about Netanya?  we had a rough time there, and it wasn't the experience I wanted it to be.  we had dinner of a sort, eventually...the last pizza from under the heat lamps, hummus and pita from grocery store packages, a bottle of inexpensive red wine, and some ice pops.  breakfast wasn't much better, being pastry from the local gas station, in which I didn't take part.  lunch, when we finally got to it, was Caesar salad, and some hummus/pita/tchina.  then we headed down to Jerusalem where we checked in for a few days, and ate mainly at the hotel.

the hotel buffets were brilliant - like the one I described of the Artplus earlier, but much bigger.  the one at the Crowne Plaza was fantastic, with a coffee bar, breakfast bars, meat and veggie options in a wide variety, a salad bar, cheese bar, bread bar, drink options, and desserts aplenty!  I was feeling pretty good with my food choices so far, and being on vacation, I did choose to go a little wild, but the vast amounts of items on display made me take a step back, and make even more conscious choices than I had already been.  also, having the opportunity to see what my mom and son were choosing to eat gave me the ability to compare and contrast the fuel we were putting into our bodies, and how we performed throughout the day, energetically.

I basically stuck to protein and greens, with a bit of cheese and bread at each meal.  when things fell apart, and we turned to store-bought pizza, packaged chips and snacks, never mind the alcohol, moods and relations suffered.  a big bowl of greens always helps to get back on track (even those drowning sadly in dressing), and had me circling the salad bar at every meal.  on the street it was felafel, lemonade, baglach with za'atar, seltzer, chips (fries), schwarma, and Caesar salad.  we had a sort-of fancy meal at the Israel Museum...it had been a busy day, and though we didn't do much, the little we did involved a great deal of effort, and left us tired, so when we got to the museum, we got my mom a wheel chair, and pulled her up to a table in the fancier of the two cafes there were to choose between.  she ordered a glass of the house wine, and we took our time over a well-prepared meal before heading out to explore the grounds and exhibits.

out to dinner on the mall with a friend was more Caesar salad and cups of ice cream, followed by a casual Israeli breakfast prepared by the same friend, and we were off to Masada in the desert, where we had more felafel and schwarma!  after a dip in the Dead Sea, it was pizza for dinner, and another amazing hotel buffet breakfast to sustain us through a morning on the beach, and the ride back to Jerusalem where we lunched at the Elvis American Diner on our way to Tel Aviv.  as per the norm, the hotel in Tel Aviv had a life-sustaining breakfast buffet, but for two nights, we ordered in tacos, and had the one schwarma lunch that we walked to and from, dragging my poor mom along because she needed to eat, too.

then we had the last leg of our trip at another fancy hotel, with breakfast buffets, and room service, because we were just too done in to get dressed to a level to feel presentable enough for the restaurant after a few days on the beach.  then up and out - from breakfast buffet, to the airport, with airline food generally a non-mentionable, we found ourselves back in the States, having pizza delivered for dinner, and diner breakfasts of eggs, bacon, toast, home fries, and one chicken Caesar salad for a certain growing teenager.  back home to frozen pizza.  grocery run, and a protein salad, then more pizza, ice cream, and nachos.  then that sick feeling I get when I've overdone it, but much milder.  manageable.  I put on about 6 pounds while I was eating hummus and pita like a fetishist, but there's no way in hell I wasn't going to enjoy that food while I was in the Middle-East!

when I got home, I made a batch of mayo to mix with the batch of ketchup I made so I could have the Russian dressing I grew up with on my protein salad yesterday (was it yesterday?  I'm still not sure what day it is) - mayo/ketchup/red wine vinegar.  I bought some fresh greens (basil, parsley) for the chicken salad I thought I'd make (there was a pouch of schwarma-flavored 'instant marinade' we were fooled into buying at the store), so maybe there could be pesto?  and I want to make at least one 'decent meal' this week, by which I mean 'a proper dinner'.  if I can only stay awake long enough to cook it...

I must remember to eat.  I must remember to cook.

I did make the chicken schwarma, which was, as we knew it would be, a joke.  the food alone is reason enough to move to Israel...but that's another subject for a post about how I want to 'live differently', that I'm turning 50, and it's time for something new.  I need to make some moves.  why not a different language in the old country?  it's not like I can't come back - or even go somewhere else from there!

egg for breakfast, schwarma chicken salad for lunch, pita/oil/za'atar, too.  can we talk about the pita?  the pita we buy in the bakery section at the local store?  it's horrible, no?  I don't even know what to say...and the schwarma, with that chemical-spice-taste that's not 'spice' per se, but chemical burn in a pouch.  it's not even a flavor, it's just...burn.

and ice cream, and more ice cream.  with whipped cream, as well (of course).  and chicken parm from the pizza place (we miss the schnitzel).  but then there was more protein salad, and apples and honey for the holiday.  and chocolate.  ugh...

the fact that's it's chilly and grey out is kind of bullshit, too, actually...after sunny summer beach weather, I'm about done with the cold and rainy, even though it's a relief to the NYers, because they've had hazy, hot, and humid misery while we were enjoying the gorgeous Mediterranean.  also, I bought summery salad foods at the store, and now I want chili, which I don't have the ingredients for!  GAHH!!!

A Whole 30!

I'm pretty done with writing down everything I eat for a bit - since I'm doing the reintroductions, now, I'll only post about the foods I'm reintroducing.  I did legumes yesterday, so I'll be back to 'regular Whole30 rules' for the next few days while I evaluate my reactions.  the hard part is, I woke up with a scratchy throat and a very slightly upset stomach the morning of my reintroduction, before I even ate anything.  naturally, I find that confusing, but am still doing my best to pay attention to what's happening with my body.  for instance - I feel a little sniffly, and have been coughing and sneezing a bit...is that because I caught a summer cold (why my throat is scratchy)?  or is it a reaction to the beans? to be honest, I don't really think it has anything to do with the beans!

I went to the doctor's office today to check my weight - guess what?  I LOST 30 POUNDS!!!

several days later, and once again out of food.  I mean, there's food, but there's very little meat, barely any veggies, and enough 'off plan' food to fill in the gap, but I'm not eating it.  nope.  no pasta or dairy for me, thanks.  and it's HOT so I don't want to cook anything.  now that my Whole30 is over, I've basically stopped eating...yesterday I didn't have breakfast, had eggs with some leftover slaw for lunch, and two raw carrots with pesto for dipping for dinner.  I haven't eaten yet today, and it's 4pm.  I was 'supposed' to reintroduce non-gluten grains yesterday, but I didn't, which is odd, because I was kind of looking forward to a big bowl of brown rice, but again - it's too hot to cook, so I didn't.  sigh...now I'm thinking this program may have triggered my mild eating disorder issues, and adding that into my lack of funds, I may be in some trouble in the near future in terms of my diet and health.  I'll try to work with it, but it would also be nice to lose a ridiculous amount of weight really quickly the way I used to when I was a dumb kid.  you'd think I might have learned something, but alas...dumb kids apparently grow into dumb adults.

and then I went grocery shopping, and cooked a meal with all the leftovers.  Brussels sprouts, red onion, butternut squash, ground turkey, tomato paste, veggie broth, herbs and spices.  it wasn't great, but it was good enough.  I thought I should go back to writing down what I eat, I feel a bit out of control now that I've taken a week to "ride my own bike" as they say.  ugh, and I'm quoting their stupid catchphrases...  I even chose to take a bite of the teen's pie that he made, even though I haven't finished the reintroductions.  it was only okay, and not worth it, so I was able to just have that one bite, but it did make my sugar cravings go instantly through the roof.  I do have cravings from time to time, but much like when I was pregnant, I can't identify what it is I'm craving, so it's hard to satisfy, and I'm willing to forgo the effort.  I'm obsessed with my belly, now, and spend time massaging the fat while I flex the muscle underneath, wondering 'if I get slender, will I have excess skin?'  so I'm trying to remember to engage my abdominals as much as possible.  I still haven't been able to get myself to exercise, which is probably the key to climbing out of this post-challenge low I fell into...the key word is Balance, I think.

from my facebook two days back:

going through a lot of 'feels' since I'm not using food as an emotional crutch just now. I have to face up to the fact that I'm alone and lonely, and why, and what that means in a larger sense. it kind of sucks to know that I'm an unlovable kind of person, and figure out how to move forward with that awareness without chocolate ice cream, cheese, & pizza. the phone never rings for a reason. no one stops by for a reason. no one invites me out for a reason. on another hand, it's fine that they don't, because I don't really want to hang with most people, anyway. pretending to care is exhausting, but a lack of human contact can be lethal, I hear...where's the balance?

 new day
around 10am - leftover Brussels sprouts/onion/squash/turkey/sauce with some black beans added in.
2 water

now here's something interesting - we went to this show last night at Levon's, it was Paul Green's 'farewell concert to Woodstock', with his show band that he's been on tour with for the past 10 days.  some of those kids have been his students for 5 years or more.  it was really emotional for all of them, and it was a great show.  there was A TON of food there!  at some point (after I ate the banana I brought with me), I decided I was going to eat some of it.  there were salads, but they either had dressings I couldn't identify, or cheese, or croutons...there were lots of cheesy pastas, and cookies, and brownies, too.  one family brought pulled chicken, and I thought, "oh I can have that!  with that other family's rice and beans."  so I did.  earlier in the day, we were supposed to meet a friend in Kingston for lunch, but she got held up, so we just hit the salad bar at the grocery store instead, and I put corn on my salad, and bought a bag of blue chips to spontaneously reintroduce non-gluten grains.  I think, like with the beans, I felt a bit bloated and gassy, and possibly even itchy, so I can take it easy with that. 

after I ate the chicken and the rice & beans, the gloves came off and I had some ziti...and then some Caesar salad.  then a few meatballs, and some more pasta, and a cookie.  then another cookie, and a brownie.  I kept telling myself it was a special occasion, and it was, but that's no excuse to lose all self control.  honestly, on the thread in the Whole30 forums where a bunch of us who all started on June 1st have been chatting, at least two people talked about going nuts at 4th of July barbecues, and it made me feel like, "gosh, I haven't gone off plan once, haven't even had a square of super dark chocolate to celebrate my victory, I'm going to let loose a little," and it turned into an all-out binge.  I brought home a tray of food, even, and had a chunk of that pie the teen made, because I'm off-track and running wild, now. 

new day
around 12 noon - scrambled eggs with red onion & spinach
slice chocolate pie
sunshine sauce with chips & veggies
1 seltzer, 1 water

ugh, I feel like crap.  I feel like I slept all day, and I might just as well have.  what a waste!  I could sleep through another day, too.  I'm tired and bloated, and itchy, and full of cravings...I feel like I gained 10 pounds (sshhh, don't even say that).  there's this mucus way up back in my throat, almost like post-nasal drip...

SUCCESS!

Monday
1:30pm - leftover spaghetti squash & meat sauce
5:15pm - 1 1/2 scrambled eggs
7:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce topped with nutritional yeast
9:45pm - almonds and apple slices
5 water

Tuesday
12 noon - protein salad with ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt & pepper, celery, slivered almonds, onion, scallion, apple on romaine and spinach
6:30pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli
6 water

gotta be honest, I've been up since 6am?  or earlier?  and I haven't eaten yet, and it's 11:49am, and I just tested my blood, and it was at 116.  I think the doctor is either full of it, or the Whole30 works that well.  or maybe my insulin production isn't so bad after all?  let's just see what happens during the re-introductions, and going forward.  I have lots of energy, though, and I feel great!  and when my stomach was upset yesterday, I did the energy-moving-thing I do on my belly when it's grumbly, and I noticed distinctly less belly...I dunno...maybe.

I finished reading the book - through to the end.  and the re-introductions, and here's what I have to say.  I think I'm gonna go Really Slowly on re-introductions.  like, maybe just keep eating Whole30-ish, and approach things as I am presented with them.  I made it through the "I am so over this" stage, and I'm coming out of "The scale (and mirror) are calling...", because they certainly have been.  I'm going to make a long list of the 'non-scale victories' I achieved on the last day or so, and I think it might be worth it for me to have a plan past day 30, too.

Wednesday
8:00am - leftover meat sauce with spinach
7:15pm - leftover turkey protein salad with romaine & spinach
3 water

so remember I said I needed to be more fit for some upcoming plans?  remember that I said I was going to make that my 'July challenge' since I did Whole30 in June?  and I've been noticing that I'm restless in the morning, like I want to move, but I'm not sure how.  maybe sun salutations, because it's where I always begin when I want to start exercising, and where I usually stay until I stop doing it one day, for whatever reason.  maybe something else, then?  maybe just one week of yoga, and a second week of something else..?

79 meals down, 11 to go - or possibly a few more.  I'm PMSy again, so I've been pretty hungry...and I'm just about out of food (how does that keep happening?).  gotta get to the store today, I guess, or maybe not.  I still have a butternut squash, some dates, 3 potatoes, garlic, a whole cauliflower, a tomato, a cucumber, some red bell pepper, 2 lbs. of beef, 2 lbs. of chicken, and 1 lb. of turkey, a tiny bit of broccoli and squash, some celery, romaine, spinach, and most of a bag of radishes...there's a whole cabbage, there's a lemon and a piece with a bit more squeeze in it, a lime, what's left of an onion, and half an apple.  there's pesto sauce, roasted red pepper mayo, salsa, green beans, and some veggie broth, and another whole container of veggie broth in the freezer, not to mention two more bags of veggie scraps to 'soup', and a can of tahina.

let's see if I can translate that into some meals...butternut squash soup, green salad, protein salad, cauliflower mash, tomato/broccoli/squash frittata, sunshine sauce, chicken salad, cabbage slaw, and beef sausage patties.  well, those aren't meals, they're dishes, but they're dishes I can mix and match to create meals with, so, it looks like I have some cooking to do (after I acquire an onion and some more eggs, with the last of the household cash)!

I am so screwed for money right now, but I did manage to get a few things at the store to carry me through the next few days.  I have no idea how or what we're going to eat next month, but...one thing at a time, here.  I made 'sausage' last night, which is just beef with some spices in it, and I'm going to make cauliflower mash (and possibly caramelize some onions) to go with it for breakfast.

Thursday
9:00am - beef sausage with cauliflower mash and caramelized onions
2:45pm - chicken salad (chicken, cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, coconut aminos, lemon juice) with salad of romaine, cucumber, radishes, carrot, celery, spinach, red bell pepper
8:15pm - 'diner breakfast' for dinner (sausage, potato & carrot home fries, scrambled eggs) 
4 water

no yoga this morning, I'm still down over yesterday's loses, though they're really not that bad, all in all.  in terms of work, I lost a crazy client who was more hassle to work with than was financially rewarding, and the check she wrote for the fee we had agreed for her to pay for the work I did was only $1.25 short (I'm just hoping it clears).  but I learned a lot in the few short days I worked with her.  being asked to take a step back from a particular local business I've been extremely supportive of over the years was a bit of a kick in the ass, but it's time I did that anyway.  I've been falling all over myself on their behalf, at times to my own physical detriment, and that needs to stop for awhile.  a little distance is probably a Very good thing, in this instance, and I'll find a productive way to fill that space in my day in a way that is more beneficial to me than to someone else.  I look forward to the opportunity to reserve some of my energy for my own endeavors, rather than constantly giving it away to promote others.

Friday
9:30am - tomato, broccoli, sweet potato frittata
4:00pm - protein salad of ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, with green salad
9:15pm - lunch leftovers; 1/2 an apple, almonds
5 water

omg, can you tell I'm totally done with this?  I mean, I don't want to be, but I do - I want a break from the rigidity of the program, but I'm happy to keep eating this way as much as I can.  the first thing on the list of reintroductions is legumes, so I think I'm going to have some peanut butter and beans on July 1st, and see how that feels.  beans are certainly cheaper than meat, and a less expensive way to get protein, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I react well to eating them again.

it's sort of anti-climactic, this last day of Whole30. mostly because it's not over, because the reintroductions take another 10 days... I feel like there should be a party at the end, a cake and silly hats or something, but the truth is closer to 'nobody gives a shit that you just did this thing'. 'whoopie, you didn't eat or drink any bread or sugar or legumes or dairy or alcohol for a Whole Month, Good for fucking You!' is what I imagine people I know to be saying to me right now. it's a good thing I did it for me, then, huh? I'm going to list my non-scale victories, now, to get over it:  fewer blemishes, improvement in rashes or patches, fresher breath, flatter stomach, clothes fitting better, rings fitting better, less bloating, more defined muscle tone, less joint swelling, feeling more confident in my appearance, less stiff joints, less painful joints, less stomach pain, less diarrhea/constipation, less gas, less heartburn, less chronic pain, less chronic fatigue, less shoulder/knee/back pain, recovering faster from injury or illness, improved body image, improved self-esteem, healthier relationship with food, practicing mindful eating, improved cooking skills, more nutrition in my diet, feeling generally more productive, energy levels are higher and more even, new healthy habit to teach my kid, and learned new recipes. seems meh. maybe I'm just meh. I really want to get on a scale...

how am I going to feel if I didn't lose any weight, even though that's not suppose to be what this is about?  it was about 'improving my numbers'.  I won't know what effect this all had on 'my numbers' unless I have another round of bloodwork done, which isn't up to me, it's up to my health care provider and my insurance company, so I can't even ask until Monday or Tuesday, but I certainly will ask.

Saturday
9:15am - cauliflower mash scrambled eggs
1:00pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup
7:00pm - taco beef, lettuce, salsa, onion
9:15pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup with ground beef and cauliflower mash
2 water, 2 seltzer

I DID IT!!!  YAAY ME!!!  😁

now, for those reintroductions...I am going to reintroduce some legumes, today, and see how that goes.

Sunday

9:30am - leftover ground beef with green salad and homemade pesto, and CHICK PEAS!  (I love chick peas, let's see if they love me back...)
2:30pm - scrambled eggs with leftover ground beef and cauliflower mash; handful of chick peas; 1/2 apple with PEANUT BUTTER!  (I love peanut butter, let's see if it loves me back...)
8:15pm - ground turkey/cauliflower mash/BLACK BEANS mixed into butternut squash soup
5+ water

I feel a-okay, but a bit gassy...maybe a bit bloaty?  not sure, but keeping an eye on it.  food pantry tomorrow, thank goodness, we're out of everything!  the teen has some money put away in the bank from his Bar Mitzvah, but I hate borrowing from him for a number of reasons, two of which are I don't know when I'll be able to pay him back, and it's only a couple of hundred dollars...but I'm not stressing.  nope.  everything's going to work out ok!  thanks for riding along ~

the Whole6

Monday
9:00am - leftover protein salad, leftover Melissa's Chicken Hash
1:30pm - leftover protein salad on romaine and spinach with red pepper sauce
9:45pm - ground turkey with sweet potato, slivered almonds, salsa, romaine, spinach, salt, pepper, coconut aminos
6 water

Tuesday
10:15am - leftover ground turkey w/sweet potato, slivered almonds, salsa on spinach
4:30pm - 5 hard-boiled eggs; green beans with homemade pesto
10:00pm - leftover ground turkey/sweet potato/almonds/salsa with romaine; grapes
2 water, 1+ seltzer

I guess I was so excited to get the eggs right, I ate them all instead of saving some!  oh well...I know I've cooked them properly before, which is why it was so frustrating to suddenly get them wrong twice in a row, but boiling the water first (and letting the eggs warm up on the counter while waiting) seemed to do the trick!

Wednesday
11:15am - spinach, red bell pepper, onion frittata
8:30pm - 2 hamburgers, one sweet potato 'bun', romaine leaf, roasted red pepper mayo; roasted potatoes
3 water

so I seem to be screwing up the '3 meals a day' thing, as well as eating within an hour of waking up.  my water consumption has dropped, too.  I'm a bit tired of all the food - I just want to Not eat for a day or two, but that must be one of the lessons.  in order to keep the machine functioning, it needs the proper fuel. 

Thursday
10:00am - onion, red bell pepper, broccoli frittata
4:00pm -  2 bowls of salad
8:30pm - 5 hard boiled eggs
4 water

is it me?  or can I eat an extraordinary amount of hard-boiled eggs at a time...

Friday
8:45am - standard breakfast frittata
4:30pm - ground turkey on salad with rstd. red pepper mayo
8:30pm - same
4 water

I think I get it:  take one day, cook three different proteins, make a sauce, make a big salad, slice some veggies, done!

Saturday
10:15am - onion, sweet potato, broccoli scrambled eggs (3); veggie broth
3pm-ish - banana; protein salad (beef, celery, onion, grapes, rstd. red pepper mayo, drop of pesto, squeeze of lemon, salt, pepper) with lettuce & spinach in bell pepper
10:30pm-ish - a few bites of protein salad...
3 water

reevaluating my commitment to getting this done.  spent some time meal planning, looked through my book some more - for recipes, to refresh my memory on how to do the re-introductions, and found there's a conclusion I'd like to read on the last day or so.  soon after I started the Whole30, I thought I might take the month of July to get in shape a bit, because I have reason to need to increase my endurance, given some upcoming plans.  so I think the newer way of eating, mixed with some moderate exercise might really give me a push in the direction towards better health, don't you?  a friend suggested a few places to ride my bike, because an old foot injury can make long-distance walking uncomfortable for me. 

Sunday
1:30pm - turkey protein salad on romaine and spinach
6pm-ish - leftover turkey salad
8:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce
4 water

oh, I'm so tired of the cooking and eating!  and cleaning! that's the treat I'm going to give myself at the end of this - a fast!  I over-indulged on food Sunday night, and my belly paid for it Monday morning.  not feeling my best, and almost screwed up a job, but managed to save it at renegotiated terms.  I had an unexpected guest late Saturday night, and it threw me off this dimensional reality for a day or more, maybe still ~  ~  ~

well, that's the weekly report, just a few days left, and a few more after that...hang in there, I've got poetry and summoned a god so far, let's see what else manifests before I'm through!

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Tiger Blood?

Monday
10:00am - leftover meat & tomato sauce;  leftover butternut squash soup
3:30pm - onion, tomato, broccoli frittata on spinach; grapes; almonds
8:45pm - ground beef sauteed with butternut squash and onions in tomato sauce; salad of romaine, spinach, carrot, cuke, garlic aioli
5 water

today's insight:  since I don't plan my meals in advance (unless I put more effort than you would think necessary into it), I don't tend to have anything ready when it's time to eat.  when I finally figure out what I can make with what I have, I'm ravenous, angry, and not thinking straight.  by the time the food is done, I scarf it down like a pack of hyenas that waited none too patiently for a lion to finish its meal.  I'm like a scavenger in my own kitchen because I don't feel like I belong there, and I still haven't figured out how to make it mine.  that's my challenge this week - create a workable menu plan for the next several days, and make it more enjoyable to be in the kitchen.

tonight (Monday), I made 'veggie scrap' soup for the first time, which is crazy, because I've been thinking about making it for...20 years?  a dear friend once teased me while watching me cut veggies that she was going to make soup out of my compost, and I took that to heart - I started cutting less off my veggies, and I wondered whether or not you could actually do that.  turns out, you can!  a while ago, I started saving my clean carrot and potato peels, bell pepper ribs and ends, squash skins and ends, outer layers of onions, celery tops, basil stems, etc. (no broccoli, cauliflower, or cabbage though - I hear the taste is too strong), and keeping them in a bag in the freezer.  many times I ended up actually composting the scraps for lack of motivation and/or knowledge of what to do with them, but not this time.  this time I checked five different websites and consulted a professional chef before I finally took the plunge.  it was really, really simple to do, and now I have two large containers of 'veggie scrap' soup!  not sure how it tastes, yet, but it smells pretty good!

Tuesday
10:00am - leftover beef/butternut/sauce with spinach; carrot w/pesto dip
4:00pm - scrambled eggs; sauteed potatoes (hash browns)
10:00pm - turkey taco bowls with cauliflower Spanish rice (http://www.wholesomelicious.com/ground-turkey-taco-bowls-cauliflower-spanish-rice/)
5 water

I strained my back (again) on Tuesday morning while - get this - brushing my hair!  so I'm kind of down for the count for a minute, but I'll bounce back...I always do.  I've had some good fortune in the form of monetary kindness from both friends and strangers, too, so it makes the pain just a little less...painful, and helps keep me moving forward.

Wednesday
8:00am - leftover turkey/cauliflower rice on romaine
3:00pm - protein salad:  ground beef, celery, onion, slivered almonds, grapes, romaine, spinach
9:00pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli:  https://www.instagram.com/p/BN5HcwKga76/
5 water

Thursday
8:00am - eggs scrambled with onion, tomato, spinach; leftover cauliflower Spanish rice
2:00pm-ish? - protein salad:  ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt, pepper, sliced apple, celery, onion, slivered almonds on romaine
5:30pm-ish? - leftover protein salad
9:00pm-ish? - a few hard boiled eggs (they fell apart, so, not sure how many...3?)
2 water

so that's the 'official' 2 week mark - 14 days - and I am SO tired...I fell asleep in the evening while watching a movie, and had an hour nap.  I've been breaking Whole30 'rules', like eating in front of the tv, and snacking while cooking (a small handful of almonds while making my protein salad).  I've been having cravings, and I messed up the '3 meals a day' pattern on Thursday because I met a friend for a picnic in the park for lunch and lost track of time, so I just ate when I was hungry, and called it a win for having prepared something in advance to bring along.  I've cooked hard-boiled eggs twice, now, and both times they came out a mess.  I like hard boiled eggs, so that was pretty disappointing, and also, I can't afford to waste food, but now I'm determined to try again, and get it right.

according to the Whole30 timeline, I've entered the 'I Dream Of Junk Food' phase - or rather, I'm supposed to be coming out of it - and last night, in my dream, I was at some sort of retreat where I absent-mindedly grabbed a few french fries, and then a few small pieces of crusty bread.  after the two or three fries, I had the shocking realization that I had just broken my promise to myself, and was struggling to determine whether or not to start over, and then did the same absent-minded bread-grab, (mmm, french bread crust) and got all mad at my lack of self-control.  it was a relief to wake up Friday morning and realize, once again, that I hadn't actually eaten off plan, but that I had, in fact, woken up at my regular time - around 6am - and fallen back asleep until around 10am.  wow.  good thing I didn't have anywhere to be...really looking forward to that 'Tiger Blood!' that's supposed to kick in for the next week or so, and help me ride this journey to its end...I sure could use it.

Friday
1:15pm - leftover protein salad and cauliflower rice in a bell pepper
4:30pm - sweet potato hash with scrambled eggs (https://nomnompaleo.com/post/19886925277/sweet-potato-hash-with-fried-eggs)
9:30pm - burger with sweet potato bun, roasted red pepper mayo, lettuce; 1/2 burger on romaine leaf w/mayo; salad w/mayo
5 water

Saturday
8:30am - frittata w/onion, tomato, broccoli; leftover salad w/roasted red pepper mayo; banana
4:15pm - 2 stalks of celery, 1/2 cucumber, roasted red pepper mayo
9:00pm-ish? - ground beef & ground turkey with steamed broccoli & carrots
4 water

what a mess Saturday was!  I got off to a good start, having a decent meal at the proper time, but I was quickly derailed by a picnic that I had neglected to meal plan, or prep for, in advance, as well as the arrival of my mother in the midst of said picnic.  I was pulled between the house, where mom was, and the river, where my friends and our kids were.  as a result, I didn't eat a proper lunch, and when dinner time (finally) rolled around, I had nothing ready for the two of us - the teen and I - to say nothing of the teen's bestie, or my mom.  so I whipped some crap together, and called it a meal.  and now, I still have no idea what to do about breakfast for the four of us, and I can't even begin to think about lunch!  why am I so bad at this?  definitely did not get enough sleep, either (gave Mom my bed, and I'm on the chaise for the next few days)...

Sunday
9:30am - frittata with onion, red bell pepper, and broccoli
2:45pm - protein salad:  ground beef, onion, celery, apple, slivered almonds on mixed greens
9:00pm - Melissa's Chicken Hash:  chicken, slivered almonds, sweet potato, apple, spinach (https://whole30.com/2017/04/melissas-chicken-hash/); cherries
3 water

getting there!  more than halfway through this 'experiment', and doing fine, according to Mom's glucometer...I didn't have a 'control' number to compare against before I started the Whole30, but my readings since Saturday have all been fine, and Mom told me to tell my doctor to 'stuff it'.  😄

Moving Forward

so much prep!  I haven't even looked at the menu for the next few days...I got hung up yesterday, due to having to substitute food I do like (roasted sweet potato) for food I don't like (avocado), and work around kitchen appliances and ingredients I don't have (slow-cooker, brisket). this morning's breakfast was easy, but now it's past time for lunch, and I still haven't looked at the menu!

the menu calls for leftovers of what last night's dinner was supposed to be, which I don't have, because I worked around the appliance dilemma by having all the leftovers for yesterday's lunch, and there were no leftovers from what I did end up making for dinner!  but I figured I could just use whatever protein I had on hand - which was ground turkey - and pick a recipe out of the book (chicken meatballs), add a vegetable, and finish up with a fruit of my choice.  no problem, right?  right...the turkey proved to be rather squishy, and fell apart in the pan, so I scooped each ball onto a baking sheet, and just put them in the oven where they are now.  it's 3:42pm - long past time for my lunch, which I planned to have at 1pm, but when I was actually ready to start the cooking, it was 1:45pm, and the food pantry opens a 2pm, so...I put the meatballs on hold and ran out the door, because I needed the extra food the pantry would provide.

at the food pantry, I scored a bag of tortilla chips, a box of pasta, a can of beans, and two mini chocolate bundt cakes for the teen; a large container of blueberries, a pack of strawberries, a bag of grapes, a bag of cherries, another pound of ground turkey, and a dozen eggs.  there was more to be had, but it was either off-plan (rice, canned soup, crackers, soda, mac & cheese, cereal, peanut butter, pastry, bread), something we don't eat (most canned goods, cherry tomatoes, artificial yogurt products, veal, pork, gluten-free tortillas, non-fat or artificial cheese products), items I already have (lettuce), or too close to rotting for me to want (green beans, onions, potatoes, blackberries).  we're going to freeze the blueberries, because there's a lot of them, but the rest of the fruit will be eaten!  I'll probably also cook up some hard-boiled eggs to have on hand, in case I run into another food dilemma.

Monday
7:30am - scrambled eggs; steamed spinach w/ghee; cantaloupe
3:45pm - turkey meatballs w/mixed greens and roasted red pepper mayo; green cabbage slaw; cantaloupe
7:45pm - frittata with onion, tomato, spinach, touch of lemon (juice & zest); roasted potatoes
5 water

I really wanted a late night snack last night, and almost had one, justifying it by saying, "well, it's all healthy, on-plan food..." but I resisted, knowing that I wasn't really hungry, I was just bored, lonely, or wanting a treat.  yay me.

Tuesday
7:30am - leftover frittata and potatoes
1:30pm - protein salad:  ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, apple cider vinegar, salt, pepper, celery, onion, grapes, slivered almonds, nutritional yeast on a bed of mixed greens; 1/2 banana, strawberries
7:45pm - grilled steak; roasted butternut squash w/steamed broccoli, garlic, & slivered almonds
6 water

such a treat to have steak, and it came out great!  also my first butternut squash!

Wednesday
9:30am - leftover veggies scrambled into eggs; cantaloupe
2:30pm - leftover protein salad on mixed greens
7:15pm - pulled chicken carnitas on romaine; cabbage slaw with ranch dressing
5 water

the carnitas were off the hook!  if I had thought about it, I would have swapped out the spices in the recipe for something more chicken-y rather than ones that seemed pork-y, but this whole cooking several foods at once, in different pots, on multiple surfaces is enough for me to handle at once...next time.

Thursday
8:45am - leftover carnitas with scrambled eggs, cantaloupe
1:45pm/2:45pm - leftover protein salad on a 'kitchen sink salad' (some of the leftover slaw with shredded carrot, thin-sliced cucumber, almond slivers, and cilantro) with a drizzle of ranch dressing; 2 hard-boiled eggs and another bowl of 'kitchen sink salad' drizzled with ranch.
7:15pm - ground turkey with onions, bell pepper, and coconut aminos; cauliflower mash; banana
4 1/2 water

I had two mini lunches, because I wanted more than I prepared for the first lunch, and I needed to cook up the eggs for the second lunch.  I'm definitely 'PMSing', because I almost got mad at my teen while watching him finish that mini chocolate bundt cake, but I remembered this is a choice I'm making, and finished my second 'kitchen sink salad'.  I definitely need a nap...

wow, I made it through week 1!  21 meals down, 69 to go!  I have no idea whether or not I can keep this up, but I'm certainly going to do my best.  I had a horrible dream last night that I was given a bag of candy, and happily began to indulge until I remembered I was 'eating clean' - I was all, "OH NO, I blew it after only one week, now I have to start all over!"  thankfully, I woke up and realized all was not lost, I'm still on plan, and had a healthy breakfast.  it happens with smoking cigarettes, sometimes, too...I'll dream that I'm smoking, and this horrible feeling will come over me, like I've ruined everything I worked for, only to wake up and feel so thankful it was only a dream.  I wonder what my subconscious is saying with these images and feelings?

Friday
8:30am - 3 hard boiled eggs with leftover 'kitchen sink salad'; leftover cauliflower mash with nutritional yeast
3:45 - two scrambled eggs, slaw with ranch
7:30 - chicken carnitas with salsa and onion in romaine leaves; cabbage slaw with ranch dressing; grapes
2 water, 1.5 seltzer

so I notice I'm backsliding.  breakfast keeps happening later than it should, which throws off the lunch I don't seem to be having at the adjusted time, either...leaving me wondering when to have dinner.  I feel like it's such a major accomplishment to have gotten through this first week that I can take a break, but I can't, because it's not about 'this week', or 'these 30 days', or even 'just through the re-introductions', it's a matter of getting with it in a way that forms new habits and relationships with food that can carry me through the rest of my life in good health.  I haven't made a meal plan for this week, yet, and I'm getting tired of spending so much time focused on it.  one day I feel like my body is responding positively to the changes, the next day I'm not so sure it's making any difference.  but really, it's only been 1 week.  how much can your body change in a week?  it's a slow process, and I'm doing my best to play the long game...I managed to quit smoking, didn't I?  7 or 8 years, now, and going strong!  it's just PMS week, and that's what's making it hard.  I can push through.

Saturday
9:00am - three eggs scrambled with onion, red pepper, & broccoli; salad of romaine, spinach, celery, cucumber, carrot, red pepper, scallions, sliced almonds, with ranch
2:30pm - ground turkey on leftover breakfast salad
7:30pm - meat sauce & spaghetti squash
1.5 seltzer, 2 water, 1 cup coconut water (treat!)

Sunday
8:30am - 3 eggs scrambled with onion, tomato, broccoli; grapes
3:15pm - poached chicken with cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, lemon juice, and cinnamon-pear vinegar on a bed of romaine & spinach, with slivered almonds, nutritional yeast, and garlic aioli
9:00pm - butternut squash soup, leftover chicken
5 water

so that's ten days down, 20 to go.  at this point, I don't want to cook, do dishes, meal-plan, any of it.  it's exhausting, and takes up Way too much of my time.  some of the people in the online forum (there's a group of us who all started on the same day) do all their meal planning and prep on their days off, but I haven't really figured out how to do that, yet.  I know it's not all that hard, but I'm working with almost 30 years of habit to the contrary, here, and the energy it takes to do all that has not become habit, yet.  I'm trying.  that's all I can say.  it's not rocket science, but it's new, and I'm doing my best to figure it out on my own.  I've eaten a number of things I'd never eaten before, cooked several things I'd never cooked before, and some of them were actually good!  I need to take the whole experience as a win, so far, because all in all, it is (holy crap, the teen ate the butternut squash soup I made for dinner last night, and admitted that it 'wasn't bad'!), and will most likely continue to be, I'm just over it at the moment, though I'll find my way to push through. 

I'm also in a crappy mood due to factors other than my ongoing dietary experiment, but I don't feel like addressing them here, now.  thanks for following along, I'll be at it for a bit longer, so hang in there with me, and I promise I'll get back to sharing all the dirty secrets from my past that my readers seem to enjoy so much.  blech.  just trying to keep it real...really.  I don't know how to be anything else.