the landslide bringing me down

you know, I'm not much of a Stevie Nicks fan, though I've always liked the song "Landslide"...I kind of hold her responsible for millions of hippie chicks in lacy gowns thinking they can appropriate an ethnic slur against Roma people as a lifestyle and culture...but if she didn't know, she didn't know, I guess.  it's 2022 now, and we should all know better.  apologies are being made.  awareness is being raised.  it's not ok anymore (someone alert Cher, as well, please).

 

 

I watched a video this morning of Stevie singing "Landslide" in front of a video memorial for her dad who died in 2005, and of course it made me cry.  lots of things make me cry now.  used to be, I didn't cry at all, and was proud of it.  then I learned to not be such an impenetrable stone all the time and to be proud of the fact that I had enough heart and soul to cry.  then I had a baby and couldn't watch tv any more because the news made me cry...and commercials.  now, as I approach what I consider to be my 'official menopause date', I can and will cry about anything and everything, because my heart is simply broken completely open by the wisdom and humility of life (my personal Kabbalah). 

King Solomon w/birds

 

I'm dropping my son off at college tomorrow.  that's...huge.  on a number of levels.  first off, I've raised my baby alone from the moment of his conception.  I will not negate his father's contribution of the minimum amount of child support required to be in compliance with the current laws, but to be clear, his involvement truly has been minimal, for which I have apologized to my son profusely.  my son has very little family other than me - he didn't really get to know my Sapta (maternal grandmother) before she died, and has little memory of her, though he does have fond recollections of my Zayde (maternal grandfather).  my dad and his parents were long gone before my son was born, and though he had my mom in his life until she passed last year, we weren't always on good terms with her.  there was a brief minute when my brother allowed his three kids to accept their little cousin as a member of their family, but he cut what loose ties he had with me/us, irreparably damaging those relationships, and they will most likely take more work than most people care to do to repair them, so I don't have much hope that they will be.  my point is, this kid has mostly had to figure out how to be in this world on his own, with his closest non-Mom people being his guitar teacher, his show director, and his wrestling coach, in that order.  so...yeah.  a mostly solo project with some honorably mention-able supporters.

 

 

do you know how I got my son into the prestigious and expensive Paul Green Rock Academy?  I emailed Lisa Green and offered to do any number of things for her in exchange for a scholarship - write, edit, proofread, take photos, answer phones, scrub her toilet with my toothbrush.  so she agreed to a meeting with me where she explained that she had people doing all those things for her, except scrubbing her toilets, so she let me clean the building in exchange for my son's lesson and show fees.  and not only did I do everything in my power to go above and beyond for the Green's and their Rock Academy, my kid did, too.  when Paul and Lisa left, and Jason and Acacia took over the school, we didn't know if he would be allowed to continue, but they generously allowed him to stay with the program on a full scholarship until he graduated from high school.  I don't know who pulled what strings behind which closed doors in order for that to happen, but I will forever be grateful to them for that gift.

so here we are, after 18 (19 counting my pregnancy) years of this journey, in the same place we started - homeless in Vermont.  how did we get here again?  well...as a single mom making minimum wage, I can't afford an apartment anywhere in the United States on my paycheck, so I jumped at the chance to apply for a section 8 voucher, which has almost saved us from homelessness over the past decade, though not entirely.  a lot of landlords don't like doing the paperwork that section 8 requires, so refuse to rent to voucher holders, which is illegal, but there are a million ways around it.  one of which is to count on the fact that voucher holders don't have the money/time/knowledge to take them to court, and if they did, and they won, they still wouldn't have a place to live.  it's a lose-lose situation.  I had been living in Vermont for over a decade when my son was born, and when he was 3, I took a chance on moving to NY to be closer to my family...it didn't work out.  we stayed in NY for another decade and more, as we simply moved north near some friends of mine from the 'old days', though after not so long, I found myself regretting leaving Vermont at all.  

 

just one of many beautiful views in VT

 

Vermont was a dream I would return to after the boy was grown and didn't need me anymore.  Vermont was where I would go 'next', as with me, there's always a 'next'.  there were plenty of times I would have gone before now, but my son wanted to stay with his class in school until he graduated, so I stayed for him.  I cooled my hot feet and stayed put to the point of breaking, but I made it.  we still had to move fairly frequently as our rentals kept getting yanked out from under us by unscrupulous landlords raising the rent past my affordability, the State taking over the land through eminent domain, or other unscrupulous landlords taking advantage of the pandemic to sell their house/my apartment to an airbnb developer further adding to the issue of local workers not being able to find or afford housing in the communities in which they work and live...  but we managed to stay housed for a good stretch, and I did spend a good amount of time looking for apartments in VT before we pulled up roots in NY and moved, and though I wasn't able to find anything by the time we had to leave, I did have a place to land when we got here.  or so I thought.

what do you do when someone you've known for 20 years and more calls you up one day and says they're doing really well with their recovery?  that they're housed, in school, taking real steps towards getting their life back on track, and seeking employment?  what if they're really excited to hear you're coming back, and want to help support you on the way?  what if they see you not finding housing and offer up their living room as a place to call home for a minute, until you find what you need?  am I a poor judge of character?  do I make the wrong friends?  trust the wrong people?  well, let's look at my son's dad - 98% absent during the child's life, so much so, that when my young man screwed up his courage enough to ask his stranger of a father for a couch to crash on for a week (yes, dude lives here in Vermont), he wasn't overly welcoming, nor did he offer any financial help.  loser?  maybe.  I don't want to make excuses for him; I've been doing it for far too long for no good reasons, including my own pride, and his skill as a guitar player.

so our crash pad crashed and burned when it turned out my friend wasn't as in recovery as she thought she was.  she had a relapse, and used it as an excuse to behave in an abusive manner towards me.  the fact that she chose to take her relapse out on me when all I'd ever done was be a good and loyal friend to her was unnecessary and frankly unconscionable.  she's fooled me more times than it should take for someone with good self-esteem to walk away from.  and I regret letting the dreams in my head let me believe I could trust that someone was as loyal and honest as I am, though I know from years of experience that's rarely true.  I take the giving of my energy in relationship very seriously, and I'm often hurt by folks who enjoy more casual interactions, as I tend to connect pretty deeply, rather quickly.  and I'm finding that as I attempt to reconnect with folks I thought of as 'friends' here in Vermont, that I guess to them I'm more of an acquaintance, and there's been a 'no-show' of those I thought were 'my people' (some real help has come from unexpected places, too, I must confess).  so what does that tell me about moving forward here?

 

oh, these spiral paths we weave!

 

nothing I didn't already know, I guess - we're all just hurtling through space on this rock alone.  ever.  always.  and that's fine.  I'd just like to plant a flower garden, watch it grow and die, and come back again.  I want to write poems and prose, and create images.  I want to knit and sew and crochet - craft art with my hands again and be alone with the silence of late night/early morning hours.  I want to walk in nature, and be soothed.  I want to share my creations with others who create.  I want to hear from my son that he's doing well in school - that he's learning how to earn and manage money in a way that will bring him and his hoped-for future family more ease than his upbringing brought him.  "may he do better"...every parents' prayer.

 

from Isabella Rotman's This Might Hurt Studios

 

I used to travel when I was younger - just pack up my few belongings and my cat, and live on the road in my car.  it was a lovely lifestyle when planned for.  falling houseless because of broken systems built to keep women like me down is less fun, but again - can be navigated smoothly by people like myself who are wise in the ways of travel.  when I have to drag an unwilling and angry teenager and his fancy cat along?  it can get really tough, but I'm using All the tools in my kit to keep us buoyant in proactive ways, while doing my best to organize these experiences with my overtaxed mind to share with people in a way that encourages them towards helping me out financially.  I need help paying for gas, insurance, storage, cat supplies, and whatever my son may need for college that we didn't already think of, and for pet-friendly hotels/motels/b&b's/accommodations until I can find housing.  I'm really good at writing, editing, proofreading, and reading tarot cards.  please feel free to ask me to perform any of those tasks for you in exchange for any monetary donations.  we can work out a value together.  let me know how I can help you help me.

thanks ~

my paypal:  https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/mysteriamb

my gofundme, organized by some friends:  https://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-homehttps://gofund.me/835d9ce3https://gofund.me/835d9ce3https://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheethttps://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-shee

Moon Rose Water Ritual Bath/dreams

I made this amazing Rose Moon Water (pictured below) during my full moon ritual two weeks ago and a few days later, finally had the time and space to be able to bathe in it.  I put some of it in a small spray bottle and used it to mist my sheets, bed, face, and space with it, and I really loved the vibe it gave off.  I'd been feeling really connected to my late maternal grandmother, and I honestly think it's the roses - 'Rose' was her middle name, and she grew roses in her garden.  she made it very clear that she's offering love and support to me while I've been navigating some difficult family situations in the midst of mourning my mother (her daughter), who passed away three months ago.  as we're currently in a Neptune retrograde - a great time for this kind of work - I thought it would be nice to use my Rose Moon Water to help channel both my mother and her mother, and connect with them through dreamwork, where I meet with my ancestors.

 

image shows a glass mason jar filled with reddish-pink water infused with roses, and left out under a full moon

 

rose water is made by simmering rose petals in water, and moon water is made by leaving a jug of water out under the moon - during any phase; I just made this particular batch during the full moon.  so I made rose water from the roses I bought for the Solstice and used in my full moon ritual, then left the rose water out in the light of the full moon, and voilà!  Rose Moon Water!  moon water can be used in any of the ways that you use water - to charge and clean crystals, cleanse your energetic body, clean your home, water your plants, for drinking/bathing/cooking, basically everything!  rose water also has a myriad of uses including soothing skin ailments and irritations, treating sore throats/skin redness/acne/cuts and burns...it can be used in eye drops, to treat infection, to lift your mood and soothe headaches, reduce wrinkles, aid in digestion, to cook with, and makes a great facial cleanser and toner.  it's an antibacterial, anti-inflammatory, antiseptic, analgesic, antioxidant, antidepressant/anti-anxiety powerhouse!  so combining the rose water's natural healing properties with the energies of the full moon, I was looking forward to a great big healing rosy hug from my grandmother before retreating to my dream sanctuary to hopefully connect with both her and my mother on the other side of the veil. 

 

my mother and grandmother, when they were both younger than I am now.  image shows two women in printed dresses seated outdoors.

 

the general wisdom surrounding dreamwork is that one needs to enter a dedicated scared space in which to incubate the kind of dreams that go deeper than our minds just reliving our day - into that gateway between where we can experience meaning.  that this space not be our bedrooms is also part of that wisdom, though many of us don't necessarily have the ability to set up a space to sleep and dream in other than our bedrooms, so just work with what you've got.  if you do have that kind of space to play with - or you if you simply want to bring some of these elements into your existing bedroom - than the colors blue (believed to reduce heart rate and blood pressure), purple, and silver (for some 'otherworldly' charm) are good choices.

lucky me, jewel-tones of blue and purple with silver accents is my bedroom aesthetic.  image shows a white curtain blowing in the breeze across a blue and purple tapestry of peacocks in a tree.

 

for the bath, it goes without saying that the whole room be clean and tidy, but in a pinch, as long as the tub is clean, go for it.  I will leave the lights off and burn a bay leaf or two to clear the energies, then run the bath.  while the tub fills, I'll play some calming music or binaural beats, light some candles and incense, and place some crystals around the tub; I use quartz, amethyst, citrine, & rose quartz...if you have some moonstone, it would make the perfect addition.  there's also eucalyptus hanging in my shower, so the steam from the bath should release those oils as well.  I'll set out a small dish of honey to use as a facial cleanser, and in a bowl, combine: 

Epsom salt

baking soda

a few drops of lavender essential oil

dried rose petals

fresh freesia petals

during this prep work, it's important to be setting one's intentions all the while.  consciously listening to what the energies are telling us, moving in the ways they want us to go.  this much salt/soda (cup and a half?/like a teaspoon).  that much lavender (three drops, maybe).  these flowers...dance with it.  by now the bathroom is all steam and scent and soft sounds, and entering into it deepens a shifted mindset.  my head will already be both open and focused when I pour the Rose Moon Water into the filling tub, followed by the bowl of salt/soda/scent/flower petals.  and when the tub is full, it's time to call on one's guides, and step into the bliss. 

 

image shows flower petals floating in a bath.  there was so much steam it was hard to get any pictures!

soak in your delight.  talk to your crystals and touch them.  put some in the bath with you (careful!  some will dissolve, so do your research).  lay back and breathe deeply.  let your head empty, your shoulders relax, and your body heal.  pay special attention to any areas of your body that need it the most - massage any sore spots, scrapes, and cuts...feel where any energy might be blocked and help keep it moving.  ask yourself what you need.  ask your people to bring the answers to you in your dreams.  also be gentle with yourself, and go slowly - these experiences can be intense.  

when I'm done (usually when I start to doze off and/or the water starts getting too cold) I'll drain the tub and shower off.  this is a good time to use any special towels or robes that you save for ritual occasions; I'd say it's also a good time to use any fancy body products you might like to indulge with, but after all the magical goodness I added to my bath, I just let the natural oils seep into my skin and left it at that (my skin felt like rose petals).  the crystals get placed on the altar, and I'll take a moment to choose one to bring as I head to bed to dream... 

 

Coyote Woman Dreaming by Susan Seddon Boulet

 

now, the dreams we go looking for don't always come right away, but if we stay alert, we'll find them!  use the crystals in your work, or simply carry them around with you to keep the energy moving in a direction.  do use a dream journal every morning upon waking to write down what you remember of your travels in the night ~

art by Pawel Kuczynski

 

*the night of my bath, I dreamt my already long hair (to my butt) reached all the way to the floor, and whomever was there with me (Mom?) was measuring it either against their own, someone else's, or in general. long hair in dreams suggests growth, strength, and is an Earth symbol...the growth of the spirit, psychic abilities, and a connection to all living things. alternatively, it can suggest thinking long and carefully about a decision, or concentrating on a plan or situation. also indicative of good health, virility, sexuality, and vanity. can point to overthinking a situation and not acting.

 

again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this post is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

resources:

some ritual practices from lunaluna for more info

some lunar bath rituals from well + good

Solstice/Shabbat Community Tarot Reading

the whole reason I started making it a point to have Shabbat dinner on Friday nights was because it was an important and special family ritual that I grew up with that I wanted to continue with my own child, so he could have that same sense of connection and tradition, and a way to honor our cultural heritage. with him gone, I'm not entirely sure how to bring in Shabbat on my own.  I can light the candles and say those prayers.  I can say the rest of the prayers we say (the same ones my dad said) over the bread & wine, and take my sip, eat my pinch...but I'm not much in the mood for chicken soup, or a meal.

my recent foray into embracing the sabbath has been meditating on, and pulling tarot cards for, a community reading, but my well is empty right now, and I have no overflow with which to serve others at the moment. I thought of either doing a one-card pull for myself, to find a place to focus my energy, or write out a ritual for the Solstice tomorrow.  can I do both?  let's find out...  

 

 

...turns out I can't.  again, my well is currently empty, and everything is really hard and taking extra long for me right now.  please be patient with my grieving process, as it interlaces with all the other stress I am/we are navigating during this intense astrological/planetary time.

I set up a lovely Solstice altar with candles, a chalice of water, quartz crystals, garnets, citrine, and amber.  I put on the binaural beats, did my meditation, and pulled my cards.  then I realized I had left 6 of the cards from that particular deck tucked in my tarot journal from the last reading I did.  nice.  so I put the cards away and tried to work on a ritual to share instead, but I was just too tired and foggy to write it all out, so I called it a night.

 

 

today, this is my best: 

ritual - take a ritual bath.  circle up outdoors, preferably around a fire pit.  cast a circle, call in the quarters.  honor Sun deities, the Divine Light, Yang energy...the root, sacral, and solar plexus chakras.  sing, play, dance, drum, feast - Have Sex.  gather and direct the energy raised towards a specific purpose.  thank the quarters, open the circle, ground your energy.  blessed be.

    colors - orange, yellow, white, gold

    crystals - sunstone, serpentine, garnet, amber, citrine, carnelian

    flowers - roses, marigolds, sunflowers, seasonal fruits & veggies

    incense - sandalwood, saffron, frankincense, laurel

    activities - make flower crowns, garden, perform sun salutations, charge crystals out in the sun, 

    pick berries, lay in the sunshine

 

reading - 

image shows 6 cards from the Tarot of a Moon Garden deck, two garnets, and one citrine, on a pastel cloth with silver stripes.

 

what is the sun illuminating for us?  Temperance - balance, moderation, harmony...peace, patience.    the sun is shining a light on our inner calm and perspective, the ways we've learned not to get caught up in drama and adapt to the situations in our lives.  being in touch with who we are brings contentment, while taking the time to re-evalute our priorities will bring us an even greater sense of purpose.

what energy are we currently radiating out to the Universe?  The Tower - destruction, upheaval, chaos.  well, that's not a good look...though it could be!  this card is about change in the most profound way.  a Big change, happening Fast.  throw out the old, and start building something new.  this is unavoidable and scary, but usually brings us a truer foundation than what we were standing on before.

what do our souls need us to release to the sun?  6 of Staffs - victory, pride, celebrity.  all hail the conquering hero, riding through the crowd with their head high, drinking in the cheers...we need to let that go.  perhaps it's not the time to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done?  or just put the brakes on the swelled head that can come with it? 

how can we use the medicine of the sun for our growth?  Ace of Pentacles - prosperity, new beginnings.  this new cycle is suggestive of material things, of a seed that needs to grow in the secure ground of our stability.  nurturing this energy is abundantly rewarding, like watching our dreams become reality, and being ready for the challenge of realizing our potential.

what will manifest from our Solstice intentions over the next 3 months?  6 of Swords - moving on, leaving something behind.  in this card, we see a hardship overcome, and a move towards normalcy returning.  we may not like what had to leave behind to get here, and feel defeated and tired from the challenges we've had to face and overcome, but we are healing, and possibly heading towards a stronger version of ourselves.  we need to think rationally about the best ways to get there.

message from the sun?  Wheel of Fortune - changes, cycles, fate/destiny.  no one can avoid their turns on the wheel.  we must remember to enjoy the good while we have it, because everything can and does change in an instant, then changes again.  while the process can be uncomfortable, that inevitability is the only thing we can rely on - the Universe will maintain it's own balance, and we're mostly just along for the ride.

well that's all pretty intense...but shining a light on our Temperance while we're caught up in Tower energy will certainly bring our consciousness into how we're being the 6 of Staffs, and that Ace of Pentacles brings some hope to the hardships of the 6 of Swords as we all go for another turn on the Wheel of Fortune. the recent eclipses (lunar & solar) with so many planets in retrograde (four!) has been a wild ride, and while we're coming out of it, the astrology speaks to there being even more turmoil on the horizon.  so stay sharp, keep focused, and have your eyes on the prize (whatever that may be for you).

 

 thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you, personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

 

New Moon in Capricorn

here's something I've been meaning to talk about for awhile - tarot, and my connection to reading cards.  I got my first deck 37 years ago at the (long since defunct) cool local head shop the OM where they sold silver jewelry, leather goods, paraphernalia, posters, groovy clothing, black lights, incense, tarot cards, and various 'adult' items I didn't yet know the use for.  of all the things I bought there over my teen years, I only still have this amazing deer suede shirt by Erda, and my Tarot of the Witches deck of tarot cards (scroll down at the link for a deck review).

 

 

 

where did I first learn about tarot?  in my mother's shelves of books which included Eden Gray's Tarot Revealed: A Modern Guide to Reading the Tarot Cards?  in the library stacks, where I discovered so much more?  in the music I listened to, the people I bonded with?  or was it in the head shop itself, the first time I saw that High Priestess image in her jewel tones, on the outside of the box, her cold stare beckoning to me from some weird, nightmarish, yet oddly comforting circus-world.  I learned many years later from some acquaintances who owned a bookstore that this unique deck by Fergus Hall was featured in the 1973 James Bond film Live and Let Die.  so weird!

 

Roger Moore as 007 & Jane Seymour as Solitaire

in a way, it's cliche to be (part) Roma and read tarot cards, and I did 'work' the exoticism many of my cousins complain about feeling targeted and harassed for before I understood the implications of that sexualized perspective to those without my privilege.  now, I feel like plenty of people capitalize on tenuous and non-existent links to marginalized cultures, so why should I feel bad about owning my own cultural heritage, especially when it has nothing to do with my interest in tarot?  how my father hated to see me dabbling in the occult; how averse he was to anything that might be interpreted as 'witchcraft' from growing up with a stigma about being Roma, as well as Jewish - a culture which abhors the witch.  for sure I was the only kid in my high school class doing readings in the school library during lunch!  the folks I met later at Renaissance fairs, Rainbow gatherings, pagan camp-outs, and work with in a coven had more of a connection to esoteric knowledge, and through them my understanding of tarot & magick deepened and grew.  even though I've been drawn to other styles and types of tarot decks and spreads, I've mostly only ever used my own deck, other than a few reads with a friend's Celtic Tree Oracle (though there isn't a Celtic bone in my body), and had never read any minor arcana cards because in my deck, those cards are 'pips' - just a picture of the suit with that number of cups/batons/coins/swords on it - rather than the well-known picture cards imbued with symbolic meanings.

 

10 of cups on the bottom right is a 'pip' card.

 

during my last round of college I met a well-educated, forthright, outspoken, proud young Cale woman from a well-known Flamenco family who taught me what it meant to be an advocate for the Roma people, and through her, I became acquainted with many other Romani scholars, activists, and artists.  and wonderful as it was to finally get access to real and empowering information about Roma people and culture, it was just as hard to feel shut down by some of them because tarot card reading/belly dancing/poetry writing/white girl Roma who say G*psy and claim to have Romani grandmothers yet no tradition/language/community get told by more traditional Roma who know who they are and grew up in communities with shared languages to sit down, and stay in our lane.  they call us 'didikoi' (half-breed), and sometimes even 'gadje' (non-Roma), because they know how much it hurts.  now, I have a great deal of respect for those scholars, activists, and artists, but I also see that I can be proud of my Roma heritage, and still read cards, while being an active voice in the conversation to uplift our communities.  I feel that I have a responsibility to speak about Roma issues from where I stand, without what is considered to be a 'traditional' upbringing, and I have every right to do my work for financial gain, as well.  why waste my energy envying folks for doing the same work I've felt called to do for so many years, out of some sense of moral conscience, just because someone who doesn't know me said I can't/shouldn't?  now that I've had a few years of feeling badly for possibly misrepresenting my own culture in the past when I knew less about it, in a world where so many appropriators are out there doing it every day, and since I now know better and do my best to elevate the narrative, I honestly no longer see any problem with my engaging in a practice I've studied for decades, no matter what ethnicity, religion, or traditional folkways I come from.

 

I believe in using the tarot as a tool to help clear your mind, to think deeply about the situations in your life, and help guide your decisions.  there are those who do less and claim more.

a friend of mine recently downsized their home, so they gifted me a number of different tarot decks, some of which I was able to pass on to other people who needed them.  soon after that, I felt a strong draw towards Katelan Foisy's P7:  Planetarium workshops during which I really reconnected with that way of being 'witchy' - getting back to my cards, burning candles & herbs, charging and using crystals in ritual, working with the moon, engaging with astrology, sigils, goddess energy, chakras, dreams...it was refreshingly inspiring.  during that time, I'd been seeing a flyer for Shea's tarot group at the library, and didn't manage to get to it in person before it went online for the pandemic - which I'm glad it did, as it's been great to have what amounts to a women's group to connect with regularly this past year!  so through that online group, I've been renewing my relationship with the major arcana from a more diverse and mature perspective, bringing in all I've learned through both my academic and independent research in family systems theory, mythology, folklore, ethnography, storytelling, and collective and personal experience.  I'm also learning how to work with the minors which obviously opens up a whole new level of understanding for me after all these years, which has been deeply gratifying.

for the online group, I'd been working with the Tarot of a Moon Garden as it was the only deck I had that's based on Pamela Coleman Smith's artwork, though it's a bit fairie-cartooney for me, and...not quite right.  I'd been wanting to get a deck that spoke  to my newer understanding of what a deck can be - like the the Thoth deck I've been wanting to work with for at least 30 years, now - and I had recently become aware of The Hoodoo Tarot through Katelan, who I didn't at first realize had done the artwork, or had done a previous Oracle deck with Tayannah Lee McQuillar (the Sibyls Oraculum).  I didn't want to buy it, though, because something I read made me feel like the deck was only really meant for a certain population, and that as a non-white white person, it isn't a population I belong to, so I promoted it out of my love for it, but did what I thought was staying in my lane by not buying it.  

 

"The Hoodoo Tarot is a Gorgeous deck, and I keep going back to look at it! I was recently lamenting the lack of Black, Indigenous, and People of Color on tarot decks in general, and while I have no knowledge of, nor cultural connection to, Hoodoo (or Rootwork), I am still Very drawn to this deck, and would love to work with it!" - Oct. 2019

 

during a recent wander through Barnes & Noble, I was pleased to see The Hoodoo Tarot on the shelf with a few other forward-thinking decks I recently became aware of, and it occurred to me...first of all, right on Tayannah & Katelan!  and if they're selling that deck in Barnes & Noble, hopefully to enough people to earn them a good living along with the other work they do, then as someone who deeply respects the traditions and cultures of others stemming from a history of having my own misunderstood and disrespected, I can certainly work with this deck, too.  I didn't have enough in the budget to buy it right then, but after receiving some monetary gifts for my recent birthday, I happily went back for it (and gotten the This Might Hurt & The Wild Unknown decks, as well).

 

look!!!

I've also learned to branch out from the classic 10-card Celtic cross and explore different spreads.  the Celtic Tree Oracle uses a fairly elaborate 15-card set-up, and Froud's Faerie Oracle uses one and three card pulls for beginner basics, then encourages dabblers to use their intuition to draw cards about a situation or conflict, and formulate a series of deeper questions based on the number of cards drawn.  some of the folks I follow on instagram will posts links to different spreads from other readers, but I can't always tell what the source is, and as a librarian's kid who's spent time in academics, if I can't cite it, I won't reference it.  and though I'm not new to doing this work, I'm new to advertising online that I do it, and I realize that not only is there a learning curve, but there are SO many others out there with much more business acumen and advertising savvy doing the same thing, and it's rather daunting...and I certainly don't want to step on any toes! in that spirit, I'll share some of my favorite online resources:  I really dig the intuitive astrology by Tanaaz of Forever Conscious, the weekly readings from moonandcactus on instagram are great, and I like 3am.tarot for spreads and card meanings.  Meg's (3am.tarot) seasonal tarotscopes on autostraddle are really meaningful for me, and her instagram crystal pairings make me stop and think about what I'm looking to clarify.  astrology isn't a field I've worked with much past in the past, and I'm still learning the basics past my own sun sign, stars, and planets, but it works well with tarot for me in terms of giving me a frame in which to hang ritual work around (think Solstices and Equinoxes).  

 

so, this is my way of saying that I am once again going to be offering tarot card readings!  the decks I currently work with are:  Tarot of the Witches, The Celtic Tree Oracle, The Fairy Oracle, the Lover's Tarot, Tarot of a Moon Garden, The Hoodoo Tarot, The Living Altar, the This Might Hurt tarot, & The Wild Unknown.  get in touch with me so we can work together - and since I'm all about helping people connect with their own cultural heritage, I'm happy to help you figure out what that is, and which deck or decks would be right for you for a reading.  also, the best way for me to do this work is by giving something back to the various organizations that also seek to reconnect folks to their heritage/culture, and preserve it, so we can figure out how that might look for you, as well.  following is a list of organizations I believe in, and am happy to support, and please let me know if there's another group/organization you'd like to see on this list.  I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

 

5% of your reading fee can go towards:

https://www.nativewomenswilderness.org/mmiw

https://www.nqttcn.com/

https://venmo.com/TheNapMinistry

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://www.hicksfordistrictsix.com/ 

https://citizenactionny.org/

https://eriac.org/

https://www.natifs.org/indigenous-food-lab/ 

https://www.splcenter.org/

Croning (trigger warning...possibly uncomfortable subject matter ahead.)

so, The Unused Portion has been on a bit of a hiatus, which is obviously a good thing, if you tend to play along...

yeah, I'm still here again, and I'm sorry I talk about uncomfortable things like my mental health, thoughts of suicide, and my eventual death, but...that's life, and as the tagline states, "just whatever's on my mind".  well, being human, sometimes death and dying are on my mind.  not so much today, but it will come up again, trust me.  and it's about to be the Autumnal Equinox, so...it's the season for it, anyway.  my ancestors have been closer than usual.

so what's the news, kids?  what's up with you lurkers in the dark?  why Do you read along?  it's for the gossip, isn't it?  yeah, I know you.  freaks.

the word of the day is 'pain'.  it has been the word of the day for several days, now.  whatever the eczema-type rash thing I currently have on my right ankle is, it sure is making a show of wanting my attention.  I'm assuming I ate a whole bunch of something that irritated it, or simply irritated it by eating whole bunch of something...anything.  who knows.  eggs?  white flour?  sugar?  processed foods?  all of the above?  it probably wasn't the protein salad.  I stopped seeing the doctor over my weight issues because she just pissed me off with her deprivation diet, but I did start seeing a nutritionist.  she's nice, but I haven't really made any progress on my weight/health with her, either.

our recent move (been here 1 month!), added a lot of pressure to my food issues, and once I got settled in, found my journals and glucometer, it turned out my blood sugar levels were really high!  up above 200!  I got them to come down pretty quickly with a careful diet and the world's tiniest bit of exercise, but it's hard to keep them down on my budget (with my lack of abilities) so I stopped checking again for a minute.  also, my fingertips got sore from the constant pin pricks, and test strips cost money.  so my ankle peels and burns, and swells and cracks and weeps.  and I ice it, and put warm compresses on it, and moisturize it, and let it dry out, and rub it, but do my best not to scratch it (I fail).  putting on a shoe is one kind of hell - walking is another.  I drink SO much water, and try not to eat at all (which leads to a whole slew of other issues), but it's so bad now, it's all I can think about.  I've been contemplating a shower to soothe it for more than an hour, and I think I'm ready to go there.  I also remembered that we bought aspirin when the teen got his braces on, so I'll probably take a few of those, too.

it's a bit better now, after a hot compress, and getting wrapped in gauze...though the aspirin may have had more to do with it, who knows.

it's interesting to note that it's just the way it was 9 years ago, when I first moved here - when I got so sick and broke out in hives the way I do, and ended up with a prescription to prednisone after a trip to the emergency room.  fun times.  but like I was telling my therapist this morning, (because I have it all wrapped up, now, like I do from time to time to keep my hands off it so I can let it heal and she asked what happen as people will when I wrap it up), it's all about moving, and poor food choices, and stress overload, and coming down from all of that toxicity...and my nostrils dried out!  where I get my pimples just turned to sandpaper overnight.  I'm 'croning'; moving into aging gracefully - or as smoothly as I can manage, anyway.  paying attention to the foods I feed myself needs to be part of that, no matter how much I resent having to pay that attention.

I'm getting there.  I bought some new soap, and moisturizer.  I scheduled an expensive haircut at a fancy salon.  the part of me that wants to care deeply and lovingly for myself is learning to be gentle with the part of me that wants to press hard on the spot where it hurts the most, and stick hot needles into my deepest pain.  but I'm cleansing the wound instead, applying salve, wrapping it in soft bandages.  just taking a moment to indulge myself, and letting that be ok.  yes, there's so much that needs to get done, and I'm doing it, but I need to make time for me, too.  to let all the chaos resolve to an order, and release the tension.  listen to what the body needs, and provide it.

*right after typing that last paragraph, I took off the bandage and scratched the hell out of the wound, then had to clean it all up and rewrap it.  sigh ~

---

and it's a Tuesday, after a gig weekend, and I am hurting.  my foot is SO much better, but is still a mess, so I'm doing my best to ignore it outside of cleaning and moisturizing it.  I've been sneezing and coughing, and my sides hurt from it.  my head is stuffed, and my back has been threatening to seize for about a week.  I'm wheezy and weak-kneed, eyes baggy, sinuses clogged.  I still refuse to close the windows, though my bare feet are freezing under the desk in the breeze from the window (it's about 50 degrees out, but I'm sure it's not that cold inside).  I don't want to wear my slippers because they hurt the wound on top of my right foot.  I suppose I could put on the left one...

I need to write, but I have 17 (17!) saved drafts already, and I have so much I want to do with this blog!  I have years of backlogged work that I keep myself from completing, and it feels like I'm out of time, out of other options, and I am unwilling to do anything else at this point but my own work.  so I've cleared the boards, but I'm still all stuck in my head in a big knot that needs untangling.  luckily, I'm skilled at untangling knots.  all it takes is time and patience, which I've had more trouble with, in the abstract.

of the many times I've spoken of being a sort of duality, I am also the whole universe at once, as we all are, though I have removed so many of my societal filters, I see no point in taking part in most of our social constructs.  yet I do want to be a part of this world, have a place in it from time to time before retreating back to my fool's sanctuary of dreams and flimsy things that have no reason or meaning.  it's just my creative process, but what am I making?  and how does one measure that on a scale of comparable importance?  yet who cares for such things as usefulness and productivity when one can pursue Truth and Beauty!  whatever else I do in this life, I'm sure I'll manage to pass on at least one important bit of wisdom to future generations through my child.  which of the many I've gifted him with it will be, I can't say...

and I did get a haircut, and my foot is getting better, but spending my weekend partying like an (aging) rock star with one of my oldest and most toxic friends sent the roller coaster I've been riding around a curve and through a tunnel, because I said something to my nutritionist that she asked me to say to my therapist, so I guess I feel like I should type it out here, as well:

"If you're going to kill yourself, yummy food is not a bad way to go.  I keep wondering how many more ice creams until I have the heart attack." - me

 now, I'm Not suggesting I'm about to kill myself, people, so CALM DOWN.  I'm simply suggesting that We Are All Going To Die from One thing or Another, Eventually, so what's the harm in me eating a whole pie over the course of a day or two every now and again?  why does it really matter?  my therapist suggested that the quality of the life I have left to live on this planet might be affected, and again, I feel slightly fatalistic about such things, because I honestly think I will off myself if and when that happens.  in any case, it's not today, so we will continue with the chronicles of my resistance to eating well and exercising regularly, figuring out whether or not being fat is the root of all my problems, and if it's worth giving up eating a chocolate cream pie as if it were a single serving in the hopes of one day setting eyes on grandchildren.  stay tuned ~

Bread Crumbs & Brandy

so...seasonal affective disorder, and the January blues.  it usually hits me right between Halloween and Truthsgiving, which is the most current, Native-American-centered term I am familiar with for the day many citizens of Amerikkka celebrate during the month of November to commemorate the colonizing of the land that government holds.  the combination of the decreasing light, and this horrific practice happening all around me (not to mention the implications of the toxic-turkey-trade), in combination with my feelings of isolation in being estranged from family and not generally having anyone to gather with in community regardless of the reason, has been bringing me down hard and fast for nigh on 20 years, now.  some people get their winter blues later in the season, in January, when the winter holidays are over, and the relative hardships of the winter wear them down.  I'm generally feeling better by then, as the light increases after the solstice, and the sun begins to move into my astrological sign, but whenever the winter blues hit, or SAD is making you sad, there are ways to nurture yourself through it.

• taking 1000 IU's of vitamin D2 (plant-based) or D3 (animal-based) daily
• staying warm with layered clothing, hot baths, saunas, warm foods & drinks
• light therapy - taking walks outside around noon, getting a light box, or a light therapy lamp 
• getting up early in the day to 'set your inner clock' 
• eating well of proteins and veggies, increasing probiotics (yogurt) and omega-3's (oily fish, walnuts, flax/hemp/chia seeds), cooking hearty soups & stews while avoiding processed foods, dairy, and carbohydrates
• exercising is one of the healthiest ways to boost your mood - doing it outside in the sunlight is an added bonus this time of year
• staying active and involved - being social is really hard when all we want to do is hibernate under a blanket and go to sleep until spring
• keeping a positive mindset through meditation, and practicing gratitude
• sleeping well - just like it's healthy to be in sunlight during the day, it's important for your body to be in the dark at night, so try to keep the bedroom free of electronics, and also slightly cool 
• use bergamot, lavender, and rose essential oils in a diffuser, add them to your bathwater, combine them with coconut or olive oil and wear them, or simply sniff them for a lift!

I began my process at the autumnal equinox this year, having heard a call from Erishkigal - Sumerian Queen of the Underworld - back in the summer.  she seems to be with me on my journey this season, and I'm ready to learn what she has to teach me.  I first met her back when I was just a baby-occultist, discovering the wonders of more ancient wisdom than I previously knew existed, written in language and symbols that were somehow familiar to a young Jewish seeker.  she is connected to, or associated with, Lilith, who - as the daughter of a feminist Jew -  I have known since my childhood, and was my first representation of a deity outside of the Jewish 'god'.  of course I had some glancing familiarity with Greek and Roman mythology, as one will pick up in public school, but as a teen on the edge of puberty, who had either just - or was about to - become immersed in tarot, my gateway to the occult, I was thirsty for what looked an awful lot like forbidden knowledge.  so I went as far back as I could find texts to our earliest written memories - to Mesopotamia, Sumer, and Babylon, where I met my Queen of the Underworld.

Erishkigal by Thalia Took

in the years following, I spent more time meeting with and learning from aspects of my various selves as they appeared over the course of history, as well as the triple-goddess-nature of the pagan/wiccan/celtic traditions, maiden/mother/crone.  young journeyers that we were, my coven and I, we added a fourth aspect to our goddess-devotions to suit our needs - the warrior aspect - as many of us felt we were no longer innocent naive young girls, yet nowhere near ready to take on roles as mothers, or start bearing children.  my incantations during those years of my adulthood invoked the feminine in a variety of her guises and forms:  Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Inanna.  later I met Ariadne, in her labyrinth, whose story bears some resemblances to her divine ancestor, in her role as a Dark Goddess, a Mistress of the Underworld.  bulls, the number 7, a little sister, a consort, sacrifice, isolation, an eventual romantic partnership, and a certain sensuality.  she called out to me then, asked me to help tell her story, which I did, and still do.

Ariadne - the Snake Goddess

from there, my devotions turned towards the Shekinah of the Hebrew Kabbalah, the divine feminine aspect of the Absolute, and to the Prime or Creative Source...whatever you call the Oneness we all come from.  I often send devotions towards the moon in my personal rituals during her monthly transitions, as an aspect of the divine feminine, as well, though most other directions in which I send energy I think of as non-gendered, and more at cardinal points, spaces in time, or like a 'cosmic pool of collective love', if you will.  I've made a glancing acquaintance with Sara Kali, who is a Romani saint, and a Black Madonna, but I don't know much about her, and she isn't really part of my personal tradition, but I like to give her a nod for her possible place in my ancestors' past.  this time of year, this year in particular I suppose, that oldest of Goddesses is asking me to see her again, to maybe find something of the wonder of that young girl who first found that forbidden fruit in the dusty back corner of the library.  it goes along with doing a bit of the reclaimation of a lost or long hidden Self that I've either written about before, or meant to write about, or have a draft of somewhere.  sometimes it's frustrating to not have a community to practice with, but that goes right to the heart of the matter of the season, and going back to a more pure and simple kind of solitary practice.  to light the candles on my altar with intention, and breath new life into my inner practice.

Ereshkigal. (JasonEngle/ Deviant Art)

she called to me

come down

she called

come down to me

my sister

visit with me

down here

in my kingdom

through my

seven gates

shedding

at each

your clothing

your jewels

pretense

everything

come to me

sister

bare

before me

in my kingdom

where I will take

your skin

hang your empty

vessel

on a hook

in my domain

sister

and I must

journey back

I say

before I go

and puzzle out

what I'm willing

to sacrifice

to take my place

in her kingdom

while I'm gone

something I'm

willing to

go without

during my

time

in the world

The Queen of the Night (the 'Burney Relief') - Inanna (Ishtar)/Ereshkigal/Lilith

most recently, I've been learning more about Maa Kali, and Maa Durga...and I think there are some parallels to be drawn from them, as well, but I need to research further to know for sure.  I'll be spending some time with these powerful energies as we move closer and closer to the darkest days of our year, and seeing what wisdom they allow me to drag back out into the light, and what I have to give up for it along the way.

just for fun, here's my horoscope for the week, because it's on point, and mentions one of my favorite poets:

"In one of his poems, Arthur Rimbaud extolled the exquisite evenings when the mist soaked his face as he strolled, and he sipped that heavenly dew till he was drunk.  Was he speaking literally or metaphorically?  Probably both, if i know Rimbaud.  Anyway, Aquarius, I'd love for you to engage in similar exploits.  What are some natural adventures that might intoxicate you?  What simple pleasures may alter your consciousness, nudging you free of its habits?  Meditate with sweet abandon on how to free yourself through the power of play and the imagination." - Rob Breszny, Free Will Astrology

resources:


https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/03/seasonal-affective-disorder-mosaic/519495/

https://kriscarr.com/blog/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/

http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Ereshkigal

http://www.ancientpages.com/2017/03/16/ereshkigal-ruler-of-the-sumerian-underworld-and-most-feared-deity-in-mesopotamian-pantheon/

https://www.ancient.eu/Ereshkigal/

http://themotherhouseofthegoddess.com/2017/09/26/the-descent-of-inanna-understanding-the-dark-goddess-ereshkigal-by-brandi-auset/

http://www.durgasite.com/durga/durga-kali/