Tuesday, July 17, 2018


so on Sunday, I made a mess of myself, and on Monday I paid the price.  now it's Tuesday, and I'm going to try and fix it.

I watered the plants.

I did a sinkful of dishes.

I wrote a short story for The Sunday Whirl.

I cooked and ate a veggie frittata, and drank some water.

I did a whole bunch of other stuff that I didn't take the time to write down, or interrupt my day to record.

and now it's another day.

and I'm totally lost, out to sea,

sleeping on and off, an hour here, a few more over there

head stuffed and groggy, stomach in pain, blood sugar over 200

aches achy, and pains hurting,

the limp, the limp,

the headache and the gas and that taste in my mouth

the one that says

"you've done it again,

"you've made yourself Sick.

"you always liked that morning-after effect,

"and sleeping it off for three days before you were ready

to do it again."

and you've done it again.

and again

so many times

you've broken your pancreas

and now you need to figure out how to stop,

or how to do it differently.

finally feeling better

as of some time last night

thank goodness...

I'm So over That scene.

how can I seemingly have so much

less stomach

yet still have so much more?



it's that time of year, month, week

sex on my mind, 24/7

kama sutra, tantra, yab yum

you feel me?

all of it

for three days straight...

three days


if I could only Not be sick

for a bit

that would be good.

I feel like I haven't had a good day since I finished

the Whole30, but

I'm trying to get back to that


I was feeling

for a minute, there.

I spun out of control as soon as I let myself

based on the lack of will of others.

I'd rather be hungry than weak.

I know what I need to do,

now I just need to Do It

which has always been the Hard Part

for me.

but I don't ever want

my stomach

to hurt like that


Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Sunday Whirl ~

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store, cabinet, lawn, shed, boat, minute, clock, turbulent, electric, lust, hand, pillow

something about buying a lawnmower at the store, and cutting the lawn, putting it in the shed.  minutes ticking away on the clock, he's coming on his boat as she notices her hand on the cabinet, surreal, dream-like.  in the room together, electric, overcome by lust, her hand, gripping the pillow...

     She stood looking at her hand, where it rested on the back of the wall phone she'd just hung up, after telling him how she was on her way to the store to get a lawnmower.  He would be here in less than 6 hours.  That was plenty of time for her to get the lawnmower, and mow the lawn.  So she might as well get started.  Shaking her head to clear the buzz, she headed upstairs to get dressed in some half-dirty clothes - not having showered, she didn't want to put on anything clean - yesterday's jeans, and the t-shirt she'd worn for a few hours the day before.  6 hours.  Plenty of time...  Dressed, her hair in a bun, she felt almost normal as she bounced down the stairs, keys in hand, and headed for the car.
     The drive to town was only about 8 minutes, which was 6 more than she needed to surmise that her head was elsewhere, and needed more than a vigorous shake to clear it - like a near-miss accident at the end of her own driveway, because she was zoned-out, with her head in the clouds.  "Must get a grip," she muttered to herself grimly, and shook her head again.  She managed the rest of the drive, and the subsequent equipment purchase, with less distraction, though still seemingly engulfed in a haze.  Having arrived back home and unloaded the machine, she made a mess of mowing but got it done, and made a home for the new lawnmower in the shed, after wiping it off to maintain it's cherry looks as long as possible.  How long, now?  4 more hours?  She could sit and watch each minute tick by on the clock...
     Where had he called from?  Some marina?  Like where they keep boats?  She knew he worked on a boat or a ship, though she was not sure which, nor what he did on the boat exactly, but the boat was coming to a town nearby, so he was stopping in for a visit.  This would be his first time coming to visit her at this address, though he'd certainly been to visit her at several others, in various towns.  She got out the sage, and began burning it's smoke into all the corners of the house.  He deserved a special kind of attention, and she had every intention of seeing to his needs while he was there.  She was cooking dinner, and would be showering and dressing closer to the time when he would be arriving, so she could be fresh.  It had been a while since they'd see each other, personally turbulent years for each of them individually, but between them, only ever this secret, timeless romance.  She stood looking at her hand, as it rested on the cabinet handle, frozen in the act of meal preparation as she fell back to daydreaming about that one time...
     And later, after the meal she had carefully prepared, and after her shower, during which she used the fancy soap, and the upscale facial cleanser, after she had washed her hair, and finished off with the high-end moisturizer, drying naturally as she brushed her teeth and tongue, after she had slipped into that dress, applied eyeliner, and lipstick, powder and oil...after the air around them had turned electric the moment she reached out to welcome him, hand lighting briefly on his arm, that momentary pressure, enough to engorge his lust for her, so perfectly curated for his seduction...after all that, after all the slow, delicate touches on the backs of necks, and on collarbones, fingertips roaming over lips and into mouths..when she had already removed her long, delicate earrings, and placed them in a small ceramic dish on her desk, with a shy little 'tink', as they were already stretching out each other's sighs on her bed, she noticed her hand, all twisted up in the pillow she had been gripping as he drove her body over a wave of pleasure he created within her senses.  She loved his visits, as they gave her the excuse she needed to summon her divinity, be worshiped, and allowed her to love him back, freely.

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A Whole 30!

I'm pretty done with writing down everything I eat for a bit - since I'm doing the reintroductions, now, I'll only post about the foods I'm reintroducing.  I did legumes yesterday, so I'll be back to 'regular Whole30 rules' for the next few days while I evaluate my reactions.  the hard part is, I woke up with a scratchy throat and a very slightly upset stomach the morning of my reintroduction, before I even ate anything.  naturally, I find that confusing, but am still doing my best to pay attention to what's happening with my body.  for instance - I feel a little sniffly, and have been coughing and sneezing a bit...is that because I caught a summer cold (why my throat is scratchy)?  or is it a reaction to the beans? to be honest, I don't really think it has anything to do with the beans!

I went to the doctor's office today to check my weight - guess what?  I LOST 30 POUNDS!!!

several days later, and once again out of food.  I mean, there's food, but there's very little meat, barely any veggies, and enough 'off plan' food to fill in the gap, but I'm not eating it.  nope.  no pasta or dairy for me, thanks.  and it's HOT so I don't want to cook anything.  now that my Whole30 is over, I've basically stopped eating...yesterday I didn't have breakfast, had eggs with some leftover slaw for lunch, and two raw carrots with pesto for dipping for dinner.  I haven't eaten yet today, and it's 4pm.  I was 'supposed' to reintroduce non-gluten grains yesterday, but I didn't, which is odd, because I was kind of looking forward to a big bowl of brown rice, but again - it's too hot to cook, so I didn't.  sigh...now I'm thinking this program may have triggered my mild eating disorder issues, and adding that into my lack of funds, I may be in some trouble in the near future in terms of my diet and health.  I'll try to work with it, but it would also be nice to lose a ridiculous amount of weight really quickly the way I used to when I was a dumb kid.  you'd think I might have learned something, but alas...dumb kids apparently grow into dumb adults.

and then I went grocery shopping, and cooked a meal with all the leftovers.  Brussels sprouts, red onion, butternut squash, ground turkey, tomato paste, veggie broth, herbs and spices.  it wasn't great, but it was good enough.  I thought I should go back to writing down what I eat, I feel a bit out of control now that I've taken a week to "ride my own bike" as they say.  ugh, and I'm quoting their stupid catchphrases...  I even chose to take a bite of the teen's pie that he made, even though I haven't finished the reintroductions.  it was only okay, and not worth it, so I was able to just have that one bite, but it did make my sugar cravings go instantly through the roof.  I do have cravings from time to time, but much like when I was pregnant, I can't identify what it is I'm craving, so it's hard to satisfy, and I'm willing to forgo the effort.  I'm obsessed with my belly, now, and spend time massaging the fat while I flex the muscle underneath, wondering 'if I get slender, will I have excess skin?'  so I'm trying to remember to engage my abdominals as much as possible.  I still haven't been able to get myself to exercise, which is probably the key to climbing out of this post-challenge low I fell into...the key word is Balance, I think.

from my facebook two days back:

going through a lot of 'feels' since I'm not using food as an emotional crutch just now. I have to face up to the fact that I'm alone and lonely, and why, and what that means in a larger sense. it kind of sucks to know that I'm an unlovable kind of person, and figure out how to move forward with that awareness without chocolate ice cream, cheese, & pizza. the phone never rings for a reason. no one stops by for a reason. no one invites me out for a reason. on another hand, it's fine that they don't, because I don't really want to hang with most people, anyway. pretending to care is exhausting, but a lack of human contact can be lethal, I hear...where's the balance?

 new day
around 10am - leftover Brussels sprouts/onion/squash/turkey/sauce with some black beans added in.
2 water

now here's something interesting - we went to this show last night at Levon's, it was Paul Green's 'farewell concert to Woodstock', with his show band that he's been on tour with for the past 10 days.  some of those kids have been his students for 5 years or more.  it was really emotional for all of them, and it was a great show.  there was A TON of food there!  at some point (after I ate the banana I brought with me), I decided I was going to eat some of it.  there were salads, but they either had dressings I couldn't identify, or cheese, or croutons...there were lots of cheesy pastas, and cookies, and brownies, too.  one family brought pulled chicken, and I thought, "oh I can have that!  with that other family's rice and beans."  so I did.  earlier in the day, we were supposed to meet a friend in Kingston for lunch, but she got held up, so we just hit the salad bar at the grocery store instead, and I put corn on my salad, and bought a bag of blue chips to spontaneously reintroduce non-gluten grains.  I think, like with the beans, I felt a bit bloated and gassy, and possibly even itchy, so I can take it easy with that. 

after I ate the chicken and the rice & beans, the gloves came off and I had some ziti...and then some Caesar salad.  then a few meatballs, and some more pasta, and a cookie.  then another cookie, and a brownie.  I kept telling myself it was a special occasion, and it was, but that's no excuse to lose all self control.  honestly, on the thread in the Whole30 forums where a bunch of us who all started on June 1st have been chatting, at least two people talked about going nuts at 4th of July barbecues, and it made me feel like, "gosh, I haven't gone off plan once, haven't even had a square of super dark chocolate to celebrate my victory, I'm going to let loose a little," and it turned into an all-out binge.  I brought home a tray of food, even, and had a chunk of that pie the teen made, because I'm off-track and running wild, now. 

new day
around 12 noon - scrambled eggs with red onion & spinach
slice chocolate pie
sunshine sauce with chips & veggies
1 seltzer, 1 water

ugh, I feel like crap.  I feel like I slept all day, and I might just as well have.  what a waste!  I could sleep through another day, too.  I'm tired and bloated, and itchy, and full of cravings...I feel like I gained 10 pounds (sshhh, don't even say that).  there's this mucus way up back in my throat, almost like post-nasal drip...

Monday, July 2, 2018


1:30pm - leftover spaghetti squash & meat sauce
5:15pm - 1 1/2 scrambled eggs
7:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce topped with nutritional yeast
9:45pm - almonds and apple slices
5 water

12 noon - protein salad with ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt & pepper, celery, slivered almonds, onion, scallion, apple on romaine and spinach
6:30pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli
6 water

gotta be honest, I've been up since 6am?  or earlier?  and I haven't eaten yet, and it's 11:49am, and I just tested my blood, and it was at 116.  I think the doctor is either full of it, or the Whole30 works that well.  or maybe my insulin production isn't so bad after all?  let's just see what happens during the re-introductions, and going forward.  I have lots of energy, though, and I feel great!  and when my stomach was upset yesterday, I did the energy-moving-thing I do on my belly when it's grumbly, and I noticed distinctly less belly...I dunno...maybe.

I finished reading the book - through to the end.  and the re-introductions, and here's what I have to say.  I think I'm gonna go Really Slowly on re-introductions.  like, maybe just keep eating Whole30-ish, and approach things as I am presented with them.  I made it through the "I am so over this" stage, and I'm coming out of "The scale (and mirror) are calling...", because they certainly have been.  I'm going to make a long list of the 'non-scale victories' I achieved on the last day or so, and I think it might be worth it for me to have a plan past day 30, too.

8:00am - leftover meat sauce with spinach
7:15pm - leftover turkey protein salad with romaine & spinach
3 water

so remember I said I needed to be more fit for some upcoming plans?  remember that I said I was going to make that my 'July challenge' since I did Whole30 in June?  and I've been noticing that I'm restless in the morning, like I want to move, but I'm not sure how.  maybe sun salutations, because it's where I always begin when I want to start exercising, and where I usually stay until I stop doing it one day, for whatever reason.  maybe something else, then?  maybe just one week of yoga, and a second week of something else..?

79 meals down, 11 to go - or possibly a few more.  I'm PMSy again, so I've been pretty hungry...and I'm just about out of food (how does that keep happening?).  gotta get to the store today, I guess, or maybe not.  I still have a butternut squash, some dates, 3 potatoes, garlic, a whole cauliflower, a tomato, a cucumber, some red bell pepper, 2 lbs. of beef, 2 lbs. of chicken, and 1 lb. of turkey, a tiny bit of broccoli and squash, some celery, romaine, spinach, and most of a bag of radishes...there's a whole cabbage, there's a lemon and a piece with a bit more squeeze in it, a lime, what's left of an onion, and half an apple.  there's pesto sauce, roasted red pepper mayo, salsa, green beans, and some veggie broth, and another whole container of veggie broth in the freezer, not to mention two more bags of veggie scraps to 'soup', and a can of tahina.

let's see if I can translate that into some meals...butternut squash soup, green salad, protein salad, cauliflower mash, tomato/broccoli/squash frittata, sunshine sauce, chicken salad, cabbage slaw, and beef sausage patties.  well, those aren't meals, they're dishes, but they're dishes I can mix and match to create meals with, so, it looks like I have some cooking to do (after I acquire an onion and some more eggs, with the last of the household cash)!

I am so screwed for money right now, but I did manage to get a few things at the store to carry me through the next few days.  I have no idea how or what we're going to eat next month, but...one thing at a time, here.  I made 'sausage' last night, which is just beef with some spices in it, and I'm going to make cauliflower mash (and possibly caramelize some onions) to go with it for breakfast.

9:00am - beef sausage with cauliflower mash and caramelized onions
2:45pm - chicken salad (chicken, cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, coconut aminos, lemon juice) with salad of romaine, cucumber, radishes, carrot, celery, spinach, red bell pepper
8:15pm - 'diner breakfast' for dinner (sausage, potato & carrot home fries, scrambled eggs) 
4 water

no yoga this morning, I'm still down over yesterday's loses, though they're really not that bad, all in all.  in terms of work, I lost a crazy client who was more hassle to work with than was financially rewarding, and the check she wrote for the fee we had agreed for her to pay for the work I did was only $1.25 short (I'm just hoping it clears).  but I learned a lot in the few short days I worked with her.  being asked to take a step back from a particular local business I've been extremely supportive of over the years was a bit of a kick in the ass, but it's time I did that anyway.  I've been falling all over myself on their behalf, at times to my own physical detriment, and that needs to stop for awhile.  a little distance is probably a Very good thing, in this instance, and I'll find a productive way to fill that space in my day in a way that is more beneficial to me than to someone else.  I look forward to the opportunity to reserve some of my energy for my own endeavors, rather than constantly giving it away to promote others.

9:30am - tomato, broccoli, sweet potato frittata
4:00pm - protein salad of ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, with green salad
9:15pm - lunch leftovers; 1/2 an apple, almonds
5 water

omg, can you tell I'm totally done with this?  I mean, I don't want to be, but I do - I want a break from the rigidity of the program, but I'm happy to keep eating this way as much as I can.  the first thing on the list of reintroductions is legumes, so I think I'm going to have some peanut butter and beans on July 1st, and see how that feels.  beans are certainly cheaper than meat, and a less expensive way to get protein, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I react well to eating them again.

it's sort of anti-climactic, this last day of Whole30. mostly because it's not over, because the reintroductions take another 10 days... I feel like there should be a party at the end, a cake and silly hats or something, but the truth is closer to 'nobody gives a shit that you just did this thing'. 'whoopie, you didn't eat or drink any bread or sugar or legumes or dairy or alcohol for a Whole Month, Good for fucking You!' is what I imagine people I know to be saying to me right now. it's a good thing I did it for me, then, huh? I'm going to list my non-scale victories, now, to get over it:  fewer blemishes, improvement in rashes or patches, fresher breath, flatter stomach, clothes fitting better, rings fitting better, less bloating, more defined muscle tone, less joint swelling, feeling more confident in my appearance, less stiff joints, less painful joints, less stomach pain, less diarrhea/constipation, less gas, less heartburn, less chronic pain, less chronic fatigue, less shoulder/knee/back pain, recovering faster from injury or illness, improved body image, improved self-esteem, healthier relationship with food, practicing mindful eating, improved cooking skills, more nutrition in my diet, feeling generally more productive, energy levels are higher and more even, new healthy habit to teach my kid, and learned new recipes. seems meh. maybe I'm just meh. I really want to get on a scale...

how am I going to feel if I didn't lose any weight, even though that's not suppose to be what this is about?  it was about 'improving my numbers'.  I won't know what effect this all had on 'my numbers' unless I have another round of bloodwork done, which isn't up to me, it's up to my health care provider and my insurance company, so I can't even ask until Monday or Tuesday, but I certainly will ask.

9:15am - cauliflower mash scrambled eggs
1:00pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup
7:00pm - taco beef, lettuce, salsa, onion
9:15pm - small bowl of butternut squash soup with ground beef and cauliflower mash
2 water, 2 seltzer

I DID IT!!!  YAAY ME!!!  😁

now, for those reintroductions...I am going to reintroduce some legumes, today, and see how that goes.


9:30am - leftover ground beef with green salad and homemade pesto, and CHICK PEAS!  (I love chick peas, let's see if they love me back...)
2:30pm - scrambled eggs with leftover ground beef and cauliflower mash; handful of chick peas; 1/2 apple with PEANUT BUTTER!  (I love peanut butter, let's see if it loves me back...)
8:15pm - ground turkey/cauliflower mash/BLACK BEANS mixed into butternut squash soup
5+ water

I feel a-okay, but a bit gassy...maybe a bit bloaty?  not sure, but keeping an eye on it.  food pantry tomorrow, thank goodness, we're out of everything!  the teen has some money put away in the bank from his Bar Mitzvah, but I hate borrowing from him for a number of reasons, two of which are I don't know when I'll be able to pay him back, and it's only a couple of hundred dollars...but I'm not stressing.  nope.  everything's going to work out ok!  thanks for riding along ~

Monday, June 25, 2018

the Whole6

9:00am - leftover protein salad, leftover Melissa's Chicken Hash
1:30pm - leftover protein salad on romaine and spinach with red pepper sauce
9:45pm - ground turkey with sweet potato, slivered almonds, salsa, romaine, spinach, salt, pepper, coconut aminos
6 water

10:15am - leftover ground turkey w/sweet potato, slivered almonds, salsa on spinach
4:30pm - 5 hard-boiled eggs; green beans with homemade pesto
10:00pm - leftover ground turkey/sweet potato/almonds/salsa with romaine; grapes
2 water, 1+ seltzer

I guess I was so excited to get the eggs right, I ate them all instead of saving some!  oh well...I know I've cooked them properly before, which is why it was so frustrating to suddenly get them wrong twice in a row, but boiling the water first (and letting the eggs warm up on the counter while waiting) seemed to do the trick!

11:15am - spinach, red bell pepper, onion frittata
8:30pm - 2 hamburgers, one sweet potato 'bun', romaine leaf, roasted red pepper mayo; roasted potatoes
3 water

so I seem to be screwing up the '3 meals a day' thing, as well as eating within an hour of waking up.  my water consumption has dropped, too.  I'm a bit tired of all the food - I just want to Not eat for a day or two, but that must be one of the lessons.  in order to keep the machine functioning, it needs the proper fuel. 

10:00am - onion, red bell pepper, broccoli frittata
4:00pm -  2 bowls of salad
8:30pm - 5 hard boiled eggs
4 water

is it me?  or can I eat an extraordinary amount of hard-boiled eggs at a time...

8:45am - standard breakfast frittata
4:30pm - ground turkey on salad with rstd. red pepper mayo
8:30pm - same
4 water

I think I get it:  take one day, cook three different proteins, make a sauce, make a big salad, slice some veggies, done!

10:15am - onion, sweet potato, broccoli scrambled eggs (3); veggie broth
3pm-ish - banana; protein salad (beef, celery, onion, grapes, rstd. red pepper mayo, drop of pesto, squeeze of lemon, salt, pepper) with lettuce & spinach in bell pepper
10:30pm-ish - a few bites of protein salad...
3 water

reevaluating my commitment to getting this done.  spent some time meal planning, looked through my book some more - for recipes, to refresh my memory on how to do the re-introductions, and found there's a conclusion I'd like to read on the last day or so.  soon after I started the Whole30, I thought I might take the month of July to get in shape a bit, because I have reason to need to increase my endurance, given some upcoming plans.  so I think the newer way of eating, mixed with some moderate exercise might really give me a push in the direction towards better health, don't you?  a friend suggested a few places to ride my bike, because an old foot injury can make long-distance walking uncomfortable for me. 

1:30pm - turkey protein salad on romaine and spinach
6pm-ish - leftover turkey salad
8:00pm - spaghetti squash & meat sauce
4 water

oh, I'm so tired of the cooking and eating!  and cleaning! that's the treat I'm going to give myself at the end of this - a fast!  I over-indulged on food Sunday night, and my belly paid for it Monday morning.  not feeling my best, and almost screwed up a job, but managed to save it at renegotiated terms.  I had an unexpected guest late Saturday night, and it threw me off this dimensional reality for a day or more, maybe still ~  ~  ~

well, that's the weekly report, just a few days left, and a few more after that...hang in there, I've got poetry and summoned a god so far, let's see what else manifests before I'm through!

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Monday, June 18, 2018

Tiger Blood?

10:00am - leftover meat & tomato sauce;  leftover butternut squash soup
3:30pm - onion, tomato, broccoli frittata on spinach; grapes; almonds
8:45pm - ground beef sauteed with butternut squash and onions in tomato sauce; salad of romaine, spinach, carrot, cuke, garlic aioli
5 water

today's insight:  since I don't plan my meals in advance (unless I put more effort than you would think necessary into it), I don't tend to have anything ready when it's time to eat.  when I finally figure out what I can make with what I have, I'm ravenous, angry, and not thinking straight.  by the time the food is done, I scarf it down like a pack of hyenas that waited none too patiently for a lion to finish its meal.  I'm like a scavenger in my own kitchen because I don't feel like I belong there, and I still haven't figured out how to make it mine.  that's my challenge this week - create a workable menu plan for the next several days, and make it more enjoyable to be in the kitchen.

tonight (Monday), I made 'veggie scrap' soup for the first time, which is crazy, because I've been thinking about making it for...20 years?  a dear friend once teased me while watching me cut veggies that she was going to make soup out of my compost, and I took that to heart - I started cutting less off my veggies, and I wondered whether or not you could actually do that.  turns out, you can!  a while ago, I started saving my clean carrot and potato peels, bell pepper ribs and ends, squash skins and ends, outer layers of onions, celery tops, basil stems, etc. (no broccoli, cauliflower, or cabbage though - I hear the taste is too strong), and keeping them in a bag in the freezer.  many times I ended up actually composting the scraps for lack of motivation and/or knowledge of what to do with them, but not this time.  this time I checked five different websites and consulted a professional chef before I finally took the plunge.  it was really, really simple to do, and now I have two large containers of 'veggie scrap' soup!  not sure how it tastes, yet, but it smells pretty good!

10:00am - leftover beef/butternut/sauce with spinach; carrot w/pesto dip
4:00pm - scrambled eggs; sauteed potatoes (hash browns)
10:00pm - turkey taco bowls with cauliflower Spanish rice (http://www.wholesomelicious.com/ground-turkey-taco-bowls-cauliflower-spanish-rice/)
5 water

I strained my back (again) on Tuesday morning while - get this - brushing my hair!  so I'm kind of down for the count for a minute, but I'll bounce back...I always do.  I've had some good fortune in the form of monetary kindness from both friends and strangers, too, so it makes the pain just a little less...painful, and helps keep me moving forward.

8:00am - leftover turkey/cauliflower rice on romaine
3:00pm - protein salad:  ground beef, celery, onion, slivered almonds, grapes, romaine, spinach
9:00pm - Orange Sesame Chicken and Broccoli:  https://www.instagram.com/p/BN5HcwKga76/
5 water

8:00am - eggs scrambled with onion, tomato, spinach; leftover cauliflower Spanish rice
2:00pm-ish? - protein salad:  ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, lemon juice, salt, pepper, sliced apple, celery, onion, slivered almonds on romaine
5:30pm-ish? - leftover protein salad
9:00pm-ish? - a few hard boiled eggs (they fell apart, so, not sure how many...3?)
2 water

so that's the 'official' 2 week mark - 14 days - and I am SO tired...I fell asleep in the evening while watching a movie, and had an hour nap.  I've been breaking Whole30 'rules', like eating in front of the tv, and snacking while cooking (a small handful of almonds while making my protein salad).  I've been having cravings, and I messed up the '3 meals a day' pattern on Thursday because I met a friend for a picnic in the park for lunch and lost track of time, so I just ate when I was hungry, and called it a win for having prepared something in advance to bring along.  I've cooked hard-boiled eggs twice, now, and both times they came out a mess.  I like hard boiled eggs, so that was pretty disappointing, and also, I can't afford to waste food, but now I'm determined to try again, and get it right.

according to the Whole30 timeline, I've entered the 'I Dream Of Junk Food' phase - or rather, I'm supposed to be coming out of it - and last night, in my dream, I was at some sort of retreat where I absent-mindedly grabbed a few french fries, and then a few small pieces of crusty bread.  after the two or three fries, I had the shocking realization that I had just broken my promise to myself, and was struggling to determine whether or not to start over, and then did the same absent-minded bread-grab, (mmm, french bread crust) and got all mad at my lack of self-control.  it was a relief to wake up Friday morning and realize, once again, that I hadn't actually eaten off plan, but that I had, in fact, woken up at my regular time - around 6am - and fallen back asleep until around 10am.  wow.  good thing I didn't have anywhere to be...really looking forward to that 'Tiger Blood!' that's supposed to kick in for the next week or so, and help me ride this journey to its end...I sure could use it.

1:15pm - leftover protein salad and cauliflower rice in a bell pepper
4:30pm - sweet potato hash with scrambled eggs (https://nomnompaleo.com/post/19886925277/sweet-potato-hash-with-fried-eggs)
9:30pm - burger with sweet potato bun, roasted red pepper mayo, lettuce; 1/2 burger on romaine leaf w/mayo; salad w/mayo
5 water

8:30am - frittata w/onion, tomato, broccoli; leftover salad w/roasted red pepper mayo; banana
4:15pm - 2 stalks of celery, 1/2 cucumber, roasted red pepper mayo
9:00pm-ish? - ground beef & ground turkey with steamed broccoli & carrots
4 water

what a mess Saturday was!  I got off to a good start, having a decent meal at the proper time, but I was quickly derailed by a picnic that I had neglected to meal plan, or prep for, in advance, as well as the arrival of my mother in the midst of said picnic.  I was pulled between the house, where mom was, and the river, where my friends and our kids were.  as a result, I didn't eat a proper lunch, and when dinner time (finally) rolled around, I had nothing ready for the two of us - the teen and I - to say nothing of the teen's bestie, or my mom.  so I whipped some crap together, and called it a meal.  and now, I still have no idea what to do about breakfast for the four of us, and I can't even begin to think about lunch!  why am I so bad at this?  definitely did not get enough sleep, either (gave Mom my bed, and I'm on the chaise for the next few days)...

9:30am - frittata with onion, red bell pepper, and broccoli
2:45pm - protein salad:  ground beef, onion, celery, apple, slivered almonds on mixed greens
9:00pm - Melissa's Chicken Hash:  chicken, slivered almonds, sweet potato, apple, spinach (https://whole30.com/2017/04/melissas-chicken-hash/); cherries
3 water

getting there!  more than halfway through this 'experiment', and doing fine, according to Mom's glucometer...I didn't have a 'control' number to compare against before I started the Whole30, but my readings since Saturday have all been fine, and Mom told me to tell my doctor to 'stuff it'.  😄

Monday, June 11, 2018

Moving Forward

so much prep!  I haven't even looked at the menu for the next few days...I got hung up yesterday, due to having to substitute food I do like (roasted sweet potato) for food I don't like (avocado), and work around kitchen appliances and ingredients I don't have (slow-cooker, brisket). this morning's breakfast was easy, but now it's past time for lunch, and I still haven't looked at the menu!

the menu calls for leftovers of what last night's dinner was supposed to be, which I don't have, because I worked around the appliance dilemma by having all the leftovers for yesterday's lunch, and there were no leftovers from what I did end up making for dinner!  but I figured I could just use whatever protein I had on hand - which was ground turkey - and pick a recipe out of the book (chicken meatballs), add a vegetable, and finish up with a fruit of my choice.  no problem, right?  right...the turkey proved to be rather squishy, and fell apart in the pan, so I scooped each ball onto a baking sheet, and just put them in the oven where they are now.  it's 3:42pm - long past time for my lunch, which I planned to have at 1pm, but when I was actually ready to start the cooking, it was 1:45pm, and the food pantry opens a 2pm, so...I put the meatballs on hold and ran out the door, because I needed the extra food the pantry would provide.

at the food pantry, I scored a bag of tortilla chips, a box of pasta, a can of beans, and two mini chocolate bundt cakes for the teen; a large container of blueberries, a pack of strawberries, a bag of grapes, a bag of cherries, another pound of ground turkey, and a dozen eggs.  there was more to be had, but it was either off-plan (rice, canned soup, crackers, soda, mac & cheese, cereal, peanut butter, pastry, bread), something we don't eat (most canned goods, cherry tomatoes, artificial yogurt products, veal, pork, gluten-free tortillas, non-fat or artificial cheese products), items I already have (lettuce), or too close to rotting for me to want (green beans, onions, potatoes, blackberries).  we're going to freeze the blueberries, because there's a lot of them, but the rest of the fruit will be eaten!  I'll probably also cook up some hard-boiled eggs to have on hand, in case I run into another food dilemma.

7:30am - scrambled eggs; steamed spinach w/ghee; cantaloupe
3:45pm - turkey meatballs w/mixed greens and roasted red pepper mayo; green cabbage slaw; cantaloupe
7:45pm - frittata with onion, tomato, spinach, touch of lemon (juice & zest); roasted potatoes
5 water

I really wanted a late night snack last night, and almost had one, justifying it by saying, "well, it's all healthy, on-plan food..." but I resisted, knowing that I wasn't really hungry, I was just bored, lonely, or wanting a treat.  yay me.

7:30am - leftover frittata and potatoes
1:30pm - protein salad:  ground turkey, roasted red pepper mayo, apple cider vinegar, salt, pepper, celery, onion, grapes, slivered almonds, nutritional yeast on a bed of mixed greens; 1/2 banana, strawberries
7:45pm - grilled steak; roasted butternut squash w/steamed broccoli, garlic, & slivered almonds
6 water

such a treat to have steak, and it came out great!  also my first butternut squash!

9:30am - leftover veggies scrambled into eggs; cantaloupe
2:30pm - leftover protein salad on mixed greens
7:15pm - pulled chicken carnitas on romaine; cabbage slaw with ranch dressing
5 water

the carnitas were off the hook!  if I had thought about it, I would have swapped out the spices in the recipe for something more chicken-y rather than ones that seemed pork-y, but this whole cooking several foods at once, in different pots, on multiple surfaces is enough for me to handle at once...next time.

8:45am - leftover carnitas with scrambled eggs, cantaloupe
1:45pm/2:45pm - leftover protein salad on a 'kitchen sink salad' (some of the leftover slaw with shredded carrot, thin-sliced cucumber, almond slivers, and cilantro) with a drizzle of ranch dressing; 2 hard-boiled eggs and another bowl of 'kitchen sink salad' drizzled with ranch.
7:15pm - ground turkey with onions, bell pepper, and coconut aminos; cauliflower mash; banana
4 1/2 water

I had two mini lunches, because I wanted more than I prepared for the first lunch, and I needed to cook up the eggs for the second lunch.  I'm definitely 'PMSing', because I almost got mad at my teen while watching him finish that mini chocolate bundt cake, but I remembered this is a choice I'm making, and finished my second 'kitchen sink salad'.  I definitely need a nap...

wow, I made it through week 1!  21 meals down, 69 to go!  I have no idea whether or not I can keep this up, but I'm certainly going to do my best.  I had a horrible dream last night that I was given a bag of candy, and happily began to indulge until I remembered I was 'eating clean' - I was all, "OH NO, I blew it after only one week, now I have to start all over!"  thankfully, I woke up and realized all was not lost, I'm still on plan, and had a healthy breakfast.  it happens with smoking cigarettes, sometimes, too...I'll dream that I'm smoking, and this horrible feeling will come over me, like I've ruined everything I worked for, only to wake up and feel so thankful it was only a dream.  I wonder what my subconscious is saying with these images and feelings?

8:30am - 3 hard boiled eggs with leftover 'kitchen sink salad'; leftover cauliflower mash with nutritional yeast
3:45 - two scrambled eggs, slaw with ranch
7:30 - chicken carnitas with salsa and onion in romaine leaves; cabbage slaw with ranch dressing; grapes
2 water, 1.5 seltzer

so I notice I'm backsliding.  breakfast keeps happening later than it should, which throws off the lunch I don't seem to be having at the adjusted time, either...leaving me wondering when to have dinner.  I feel like it's such a major accomplishment to have gotten through this first week that I can take a break, but I can't, because it's not about 'this week', or 'these 30 days', or even 'just through the re-introductions', it's a matter of getting with it in a way that forms new habits and relationships with food that can carry me through the rest of my life in good health.  I haven't made a meal plan for this week, yet, and I'm getting tired of spending so much time focused on it.  one day I feel like my body is responding positively to the changes, the next day I'm not so sure it's making any difference.  but really, it's only been 1 week.  how much can your body change in a week?  it's a slow process, and I'm doing my best to play the long game...I managed to quit smoking, didn't I?  7 or 8 years, now, and going strong!  it's just PMS week, and that's what's making it hard.  I can push through.

9:00am - three eggs scrambled with onion, red pepper, & broccoli; salad of romaine, spinach, celery, cucumber, carrot, red pepper, scallions, sliced almonds, with ranch
2:30pm - ground turkey on leftover breakfast salad
7:30pm - meat sauce & spaghetti squash
1.5 seltzer, 2 water, 1 cup coconut water (treat!)

8:30am - 3 eggs scrambled with onion, tomato, broccoli; grapes
3:15pm - poached chicken with cucumber, basil, parsley, olive oil, lemon juice, and cinnamon-pear vinegar on a bed of romaine & spinach, with slivered almonds, nutritional yeast, and garlic aioli
9:00pm - butternut squash soup, leftover chicken
5 water

so that's ten days down, 20 to go.  at this point, I don't want to cook, do dishes, meal-plan, any of it.  it's exhausting, and takes up Way too much of my time.  some of the people in the online forum (there's a group of us who all started on the same day) do all their meal planning and prep on their days off, but I haven't really figured out how to do that, yet.  I know it's not all that hard, but I'm working with almost 30 years of habit to the contrary, here, and the energy it takes to do all that has not become habit, yet.  I'm trying.  that's all I can say.  it's not rocket science, but it's new, and I'm doing my best to figure it out on my own.  I've eaten a number of things I'd never eaten before, cooked several things I'd never cooked before, and some of them were actually good!  I need to take the whole experience as a win, so far, because all in all, it is (holy crap, the teen ate the butternut squash soup I made for dinner last night, and admitted that it 'wasn't bad'!), and will most likely continue to be, I'm just over it at the moment, though I'll find my way to push through. 

I'm also in a crappy mood due to factors other than my ongoing dietary experiment, but I don't feel like addressing them here, now.  thanks for following along, I'll be at it for a bit longer, so hang in there with me, and I promise I'll get back to sharing all the dirty secrets from my past that my readers seem to enjoy so much.  blech.  just trying to keep it real...really.  I don't know how to be anything else.