Shabbat Aquarius Full Moon/Lion's Gate Portal Shalom

in order to prepare and perform ritual tonight for the full moon, I'm immediately stuck, thinking "what can use to cleanse my aura before, or use for anointing myself after?"  and then, "I know I have homemade rose powder in my altar box (along with an aura cleansing tool), it's just not accessible at the moment!"  frustrating.  so I go out to the meerspeset to see if the moon is visible in the sky, and There She Is - appearing in a break in the clouds, and as always, taking my breath away.  there.  I can just cleanse my aura in moonlight, and use fresh, clean, moon water for anointing myself after I've done my ritual.  we make do with what we have in the moment, yes?

 

so I fling my arms out wide and facing east, turn myself around in the moonlight to the south, west, and north, opening myself up to - and inviting in - all the loving energies flowing around and through me.  I ask them to help remove all energy and emotion that isn't mine, and doesn't belong to me, so that I feel uplifted, my heart open, and the energies I want to work with can move freely through me.  I thank them for joining me as I endeavor to stand in my own light.

to cleanse and prepare my space, I light my Shabbat candles and use my regular, everyday broom to sweep the meerpeset while envisioning a glowing, healing light charging the area with loving energy, peace, hope, and positivity.  I sing a little 'thank you' song about cleansing my space with love and gratitude as it begins to feel magical and protected.

 

 

taking my bowl of water in both hands, I state out loud the things I would like to release, clear, and receive some clarity around in my life, such as anger, resentment, and more mundane issues pertaining to my flow of financial abundance - or lack thereof - this month in particular, and in my life in general.  I then sit with my candles and bowl of water, in my protected space, and once again call to my ancestors (and others) to help center and ground my energy while connecting to my Higher Being.  I bring my hands to my heart and speak to that energy center in my body, and to my third eye, so that I may be better guided by my insight and intuition in my meditations.

 

opening the case where I keep my tarot cards, the first deck I see is the Thoth deck, which feels just right for tonight's reading.  settling back into my lounge chair under the light of the full moon - and the energy of the lion's gate portal - I begin to shuffle...awkwardly.  this deck is still new to me and I've hardly used it since I got it because it's slightly different from the more popular and well-known decks, and requires (in my opinion) more study to be properly understood.  so as I'm feeling the cards slip through my fingers from one hand to the other, I get a 'jumper', which I don't always work with.  since my hands are small, I have several ways that I shuffle decks, and there are times when a card will align awkwardly, or slip out of place, so I'll just tuck it back in and keep on shuffling.  this one dove all the way under my chair, face up, so I set it aside and went on with my shuffle until I was satisfied, and drew a card.

 

 

10 of Wands.  curious.  and the jumper was the Princess of Wands.  even curiouser.  

the 10 of Wands in the Crowley/Harris deck is called Oppression, and indicates that one has become detached from their spiritual sources, and that no matter how much force is used (implying too much force has already been used), it cannot be brought to bear on the situation at hand.  feeling trapped where we can't experience life the way we want, with the flames having run rampant from lack of understanding, devouring one's self from within.  failure against a strong opponent, revenge, cruelty, malice, and injustice. 

the Princess of Wands is considered the Earth aspect of fire - two elements that tend to strengthen each other, yet this pairing is considered combustible, implying this Princess has a reactive personality.  she is associated with the 'whims of the body', or the 'animal soul'; considered to be turning her back on the mundane to follow her passions and inspiration.  she is energetic, vital, enthusiastic, and courageous, in no way afraid to express herself.  she tends to be ungrounded, and subscribes to her own brand of justice which can run towards vengeance and cruelty.  having that tiger by the tail can indicate setting one's self free from old fears and patterns by bringing them to the surface and conquering them, usually learning these lessons 'the hard way'.  she represents the silence to which all things return, and is considered both permanent and non-existent.  consuming all that come into her sphere, she is Lilith; the dark, mysterious Feminine, and her body is the fuel of the Sacred Fire. 

wow.  that has a lot of deeply personal meaning for me, which I will - believe it or not - keep to myself.  but if you know me...you may, as they say, Know.

 

 

I let the water sit out overnight to absorb all the good moonlight it could, and just before dawn, I thanked it for soaking up the things I wished to release, clear, and gain clarity on while my intentions begin to weave themselves into the fabric of my life in a peaceful, calm, and loving way.  I released those intentions from the water, and returned it to the Earth by pouring it through the drain in the meerpeset to run into the ground below to purify it.  

skipping the anointing as I already poured out the water, I once again brought my hands to my heart center and third eye while repeating the mantra 'I am love, I am loved, I radiate love'.  there happened to be some lime seeds hanging out in the bowl I used for the moon water, and before I poured it out, I took the seeds out of it and set them aside for planting.  we'll see how that goes.

Shabbat Shalom, and Blessed Be! 

Finding My Place

while there are more housing options for me here than there were in the US, I have yet to rent an apartment.  I really liked the first place I looked at, but even with the help of several people, it was just not to be.  after another round of looking to see what was available, I kind of liked the place with the yard, ceiling fan, and full size stove/oven even though it's a bit out of the way, and I also liked the little place in the middle of the city with the big bright windows, that has a bus stop right out front, and is convenient to all the places I tend to frequent.  the nice man who showed me the out of the way place seemed willing to help me with just about anything and everything in that Israeli 'I know a guy' way, and the woman who showed me her cute little 3rd floor walk-up in the middle of town was willing to let me sublet for about a month, so here I am!  it's been incredibly helpful to have some space to myself for a set amount of time so I can work on providing some of the things I've been missing or slacking on for weeks, like eating well, and hydrating properly.

 

mmm, stir-fry!
best I could do with what I had, and it was good.

 

 

it's great to have some privacy, my own bathroom and kitchen, a large, firm bed, and a HOT shower whenever I want one, among other things.  I'm hoping with all my heart that this could turn into a long term rental for me.  it's not perfect, but it will absolutely do.  I'd be happy to be here for at least my first year in Israel, until I know the language better, have a decent income, and know more about where I want to settle more permanently if it's not in this particular city.  who knows - if I manage to make a good enough living, it's possible that I could afford something even better by then!  in the event I don't get to stay past the few weeks I've been promised here, there will still be enough time to find another place, possibly even the one with the stove and the yard, if someone hasn't snatched it up yet.  given that my 'lift' (the things I shipped over from the US) should be here right around that time, I'm doing my best to trust the timeline and the process.  things tend to work out the way they're supposed to for me, and I'm keeping my energy attuned to this being the right timeline and process.

 

a walk on the beach yielded several 'hag stones'.  I found one many years ago, and hadn't found another one since.  it felt like a very good omen to me.

 

so, since I'm settled enough for the moment, I've been able to turn my attention towards looking for a job in earnest, and I sent out quite a few resumes, and responded to lots of job offers this week.  I had one interview so far that went fine, but the job was two hours away...they haven't called me back, so I guess it's a no-go, even though I said I'd be willing to relocate, even though I'm not really willing to relocate.  hey, if it was absolutely the right fit, who knows, I might.  someone in one of the agencies that makes sure new immigrants are doing okay mentioned that I could probably move all the way down south to live and work in a hotel for a year, and while I said I'd keep that idea on the back-burner in case of emergency, literally nothing about that idea appeals to me.  I've been to the town they had mentioned as a 'tourist', and honestly I think it would suck to live and work there.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sold on being where I am, especially after already being here for almost two months, and getting into the vibe of this place as I'm finding my way around much better than I ever have before (my family used to have an apartment here until I was a teen, so whenever we came to visit, this city was home).

 

the street where we lived back in the day ~

 

I may have another interview tomorrow, but I haven't heard back about that yet.  it was a holiday weekend here, so I'm really not sweating it at the moment.  one of the positions I applied for sounded pretty much like my dream job, though I'm fully aware that my language skills are probably lacking to be able to be 100%  effective at it at the moment, but as I'm so fond of saying - Who Knows?  maybe I'm EXACTLY who they want and need, or maybe I Will be some time in the near future.  there are just so many possibilities always opening up, and I'm keeping myself open to receiving them.  it's so much easier to do when my belly is full from a healthy home cooked meal, I've had enough water to drink, I'm showered, and rested.  I even had incredibly vivid dreams last night featuring my ex-bestie and his family...it was nice to see them, and I hope everything is going well for him.  it inspired me to try and reach out, though I lost his number and am not sure he's on social media.  he has two profiles that come up when I search his name, but they don't seem particularly active, and the profile pics on both of them were posted around 8 years ago, with no other activity showing.  whether or not he wants to talk to me, I just hope he's ok.

it's a fresh new week tomorrow, and I need to study for language class, look to see what's available in terms of jobs and apartments, and plan some healthy meals to cook.  it's So Nice to have this place to be in for the time being, and I'm going to make the most of it.  I keep forgetting to pull my moisturizer out of the locked suitcase as my skin is desperate for some nourishment as well, though it's looking better just from the increase in my water intake.  and I treated myself to a pedicure since I didn't have to pay an arm and a leg to stay somewhere less than great.  in my head I'm picturing the Magic 8-ball my son got me for Hannukah ages ago landing on the phrase, 'signs point to yes'!  feet pics are weird and gross (my opinion), but I want to share the joyful vibrancy of the nail color on my toes, so...enjoy!  and have a great week!

 

 

Friday the 13th/Saturday the 14th Shabbat Community Reading

it feels like forever since I posted a community reading but I've been moving house, so between the packing up and looking for an apartment (again), and doing the actual lift & carry, I've been a bit absent to say the least.  here it is two weeks later, and I'm just starting to get back to my routines, as the whole process was emotionally, mentally, and very physically draining, and I've needed some serious recuperation time filled with relaxation and self-care.  not to mention all the astrology!  how have you all managed to navigate:  the Venus/Mars alignment, Chiron & Eris going retrograde, Midsummer, and the Lion's Gate portal energy?  it's been a roller-coaster ride of emotional turmoil for me and mine, and I'm looking forward to the gentle energy of the next full (blue) moon on the 22nd.

 

image I found on the internet that I couldn't find any info on ~

 

for today's community reading, I'm using the Tarot of a Moon Garden because the moon is obviously on my mind.  we're currently at a waxing crescent, but I'm feeling the pull to be more attuned to moon energy as the days get shorter, and we sink deeper into the dark half of the year.  I know it's a weird thing to think about while we're still engulfed in a heat wave in the US, with the annual wildfires burning on our western coast, but as the weather gets ever more extreme, I'm doing my best to tune in to how the Earth herself wants me to roll with the updates.  also with peri- or menopause, I'm not as aware of my own cycles, so am looking to the heavens for guidance and wisdom.  here's what we got:

 

image shows four cards from the Tarot of a Moon Garden - The Empress/The Chariot/2 of Pentacles/The Moon, on a pastel background with horizontal silver stripes, crowned by eucalyptus, a gold-tipped feather, driftwood, and a fairy jar.

 

wow, look at all that creative energy in motion!  I dropped one card while shuffling and set it aside, then drew the first three cards.  after looking them over and hearing their message, I turned over the 'jumper' card, and would you believe it was The Moon?  of course you would, because you believe in magic and synchronicity (and I posted a picture), and you know I smiled when I saw it and said, "of course."  so what is it saying?

The Empress - abundance, bounty, generative fertility, She is the Garden of Eden, an Earthly paradise.  all things creative and sensual, nature and nurture, coming to fruition.  the spirit that fills our existence, unstructured inspiration, joyful wholeness.  bring this loving, compassionate energy into your life, let it infuse your days and electrify your nights - start that project, support its growth!  pregnancy?  birth?  who knows?  be in nature, and feel thankful for all it offers!

The Chariot - authentic power and purpose, well earned victory.  who can we be through the refinement of our habits and rituals once we know ourselves?  "what's next" energy.  confidence and control.  harness this determined and triumphant energy for success - act on it with focus, push through, and win!  ...and maybe there's some travel coming soon for some of you?

Two of Pentacles - harmonies dancing in the midst of change.  skillfully balanced, but...are your priorities getting the attention they deserve?  adapt and flow, adjust as needed on repeat.  

bonus card:

The Moon - dreams, magic, mystery...honor your imagination, listen to your heart, and hold hands with your fear of the unknown.  nothing is what it seems, here, so use your intuition over your thought process, feel what's right in your gut.  work with the moon's phases, and it's light, for clarity and understanding.  finding those hidden truths, and freeing them from the past, is the best way forward.  

 

Tarot of a Moon Garden - The Moon card

 

I hope everyone has been well - and again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

Moon Rose Water Ritual Bath/dreams

I made this amazing Rose Moon Water (pictured below) during my full moon ritual two weeks ago and a few days later, finally had the time and space to be able to bathe in it.  I put some of it in a small spray bottle and used it to mist my sheets, bed, face, and space with it, and I really loved the vibe it gave off.  I'd been feeling really connected to my late maternal grandmother, and I honestly think it's the roses - 'Rose' was her middle name, and she grew roses in her garden.  she made it very clear that she's offering love and support to me while I've been navigating some difficult family situations in the midst of mourning my mother (her daughter), who passed away three months ago.  as we're currently in a Neptune retrograde - a great time for this kind of work - I thought it would be nice to use my Rose Moon Water to help channel both my mother and her mother, and connect with them through dreamwork, where I meet with my ancestors.

 

image shows a glass mason jar filled with reddish-pink water infused with roses, and left out under a full moon

 

rose water is made by simmering rose petals in water, and moon water is made by leaving a jug of water out under the moon - during any phase; I just made this particular batch during the full moon.  so I made rose water from the roses I bought for the Solstice and used in my full moon ritual, then left the rose water out in the light of the full moon, and voilà!  Rose Moon Water!  moon water can be used in any of the ways that you use water - to charge and clean crystals, cleanse your energetic body, clean your home, water your plants, for drinking/bathing/cooking, basically everything!  rose water also has a myriad of uses including soothing skin ailments and irritations, treating sore throats/skin redness/acne/cuts and burns...it can be used in eye drops, to treat infection, to lift your mood and soothe headaches, reduce wrinkles, aid in digestion, to cook with, and makes a great facial cleanser and toner.  it's an antibacterial, anti-inflammatory, antiseptic, analgesic, antioxidant, antidepressant/anti-anxiety powerhouse!  so combining the rose water's natural healing properties with the energies of the full moon, I was looking forward to a great big healing rosy hug from my grandmother before retreating to my dream sanctuary to hopefully connect with both her and my mother on the other side of the veil. 

 

my mother and grandmother, when they were both younger than I am now.  image shows two women in printed dresses seated outdoors.

 

the general wisdom surrounding dreamwork is that one needs to enter a dedicated scared space in which to incubate the kind of dreams that go deeper than our minds just reliving our day - into that gateway between where we can experience meaning.  that this space not be our bedrooms is also part of that wisdom, though many of us don't necessarily have the ability to set up a space to sleep and dream in other than our bedrooms, so just work with what you've got.  if you do have that kind of space to play with - or you if you simply want to bring some of these elements into your existing bedroom - than the colors blue (believed to reduce heart rate and blood pressure), purple, and silver (for some 'otherworldly' charm) are good choices.

lucky me, jewel-tones of blue and purple with silver accents is my bedroom aesthetic.  image shows a white curtain blowing in the breeze across a blue and purple tapestry of peacocks in a tree.

 

for the bath, it goes without saying that the whole room be clean and tidy, but in a pinch, as long as the tub is clean, go for it.  I will leave the lights off and burn a bay leaf or two to clear the energies, then run the bath.  while the tub fills, I'll play some calming music or binaural beats, light some candles and incense, and place some crystals around the tub; I use quartz, amethyst, citrine, & rose quartz...if you have some moonstone, it would make the perfect addition.  there's also eucalyptus hanging in my shower, so the steam from the bath should release those oils as well.  I'll set out a small dish of honey to use as a facial cleanser, and in a bowl, combine: 

Epsom salt

baking soda

a few drops of lavender essential oil

dried rose petals

fresh freesia petals

during this prep work, it's important to be setting one's intentions all the while.  consciously listening to what the energies are telling us, moving in the ways they want us to go.  this much salt/soda (cup and a half?/like a teaspoon).  that much lavender (three drops, maybe).  these flowers...dance with it.  by now the bathroom is all steam and scent and soft sounds, and entering into it deepens a shifted mindset.  my head will already be both open and focused when I pour the Rose Moon Water into the filling tub, followed by the bowl of salt/soda/scent/flower petals.  and when the tub is full, it's time to call on one's guides, and step into the bliss. 

 

image shows flower petals floating in a bath.  there was so much steam it was hard to get any pictures!

soak in your delight.  talk to your crystals and touch them.  put some in the bath with you (careful!  some will dissolve, so do your research).  lay back and breathe deeply.  let your head empty, your shoulders relax, and your body heal.  pay special attention to any areas of your body that need it the most - massage any sore spots, scrapes, and cuts...feel where any energy might be blocked and help keep it moving.  ask yourself what you need.  ask your people to bring the answers to you in your dreams.  also be gentle with yourself, and go slowly - these experiences can be intense.  

when I'm done (usually when I start to doze off and/or the water starts getting too cold) I'll drain the tub and shower off.  this is a good time to use any special towels or robes that you save for ritual occasions; I'd say it's also a good time to use any fancy body products you might like to indulge with, but after all the magical goodness I added to my bath, I just let the natural oils seep into my skin and left it at that (my skin felt like rose petals).  the crystals get placed on the altar, and I'll take a moment to choose one to bring as I head to bed to dream... 

 

Coyote Woman Dreaming by Susan Seddon Boulet

 

now, the dreams we go looking for don't always come right away, but if we stay alert, we'll find them!  use the crystals in your work, or simply carry them around with you to keep the energy moving in a direction.  do use a dream journal every morning upon waking to write down what you remember of your travels in the night ~

art by Pawel Kuczynski

 

*the night of my bath, I dreamt my already long hair (to my butt) reached all the way to the floor, and whomever was there with me (Mom?) was measuring it either against their own, someone else's, or in general. long hair in dreams suggests growth, strength, and is an Earth symbol...the growth of the spirit, psychic abilities, and a connection to all living things. alternatively, it can suggest thinking long and carefully about a decision, or concentrating on a plan or situation. also indicative of good health, virility, sexuality, and vanity. can point to overthinking a situation and not acting.

 

again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this post is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

resources:

some ritual practices from lunaluna for more info

some lunar bath rituals from well + good

Neptune (Pluto, Saturn, Jupiter) Retrograde Shabbat Community Reading

whew!  now that we're through the eclipses, mercury retrograde, and the full moon, are you ready to settle into some Neptune retrograde energy (along with Pluto, Saturn, and Jupiter)?  I know I am!  

 

Neptune goes retrograde every year for 5 months - and it stays in each sign for 14 years, which apparently gives a certain nuance to entire generations.  currently in its own native sign of Pisces, Neptune encompasses deeply personal, creative, & dreamy energy...too much of it and we get muddled, cloudy, and can't distinguish between the realms of imagination and the day-to-day.  during its retrograde - because those are internal journeys - we can embrace the clarity and insight of our feelings, thoughts, intuition, and dreams that Neptune brings forward for us,which makes these great times for soul searching, meditation, and reconnecting with Self.

 

cool dreamy/watery image I swiped off the internet - I honestly could not find any info on it.

 

finding ways to strengthen our intuition is a great creative practice, and the kind of work that is its own reward.  caution:  manifest with pure intent only!  having a heart-to-heart with anyone we need to forgive (or who needs to forgive us) and embracing love will strengthen those ltr's.  DO DREAM WORK.  take good care of ourselves to stay grounded, and don't make any rash decisions. it seems that the advice is once again to "slow down and reflect" on everything...I feel like every month I ask "how much more of that can we possibly do?!"  I've slowed down so much, I feel like I'm in retrograde! Neptune and his ocean waters...all that mystery in which to trust our intuition. stop, look, and listen - be clear and flush out the ugly truths that need releasing.

this week's tarot/oracle questions come from Christine @moonandcactus, who offers us the affirmation:  "I let go of any fantasies that aren’t aligned with my true purpose."  also, "don't run away from truth/reality"...that's a good one that I'm holding close to the bone for my personal journey at the moment.  yup, all the bullshit is being stripped away again, and it's time to face up to doing our work (I'm still going through the paces of my eclipse shadow work).  we are encouraged to do it through the arts to get ourselves on a higher plane.  the clarity here has so much healing potential, given our heightened ability to see where we need to focus our work, and our empathy.  for this reading I used The Faeries Oracle because I owed them a favor, and we could all use some playfulness in our lives.  here's what we got: 

 

image shows 4 cards from The Faeries Oracle (The Faery Godmother/The Singer of the Chalice/G.Hobyah/Laiste, Moon's Daughter).  flourite, amethyst, and lapis lazuli for Neptune/Jupiter/Pluto; hematite for Saturn/Pluto; quartz and malachite for Neptune/Uranus; and Herkimer diamonds and garnet for Pluto.  brooch, seashell, tiny Waterhouse mermaid, fairy sword, dried rosebuds, tiny feather, tiny gargoyle, swan feather.

1. How can I be more aligned with my inner truth?  The Faery Godmother

 

 

 

Sairie - The Faery Godmother - speaks of gifts, talents, grace, and helpful lessons.  good things that we don't think we deserve, or haven't thought to ask for, may well be happening.  she helps us open our hearts to love and acceptance.  keep an eye out for unexpected good fortune when you thought bad luck was coming for you, and pass that kindness on.  enjoy the feeling of doing good in secret.

 

 

 

2. How can I be more open to what I’m not seeing?  The Singer of the Chalice

 

 

trust, joy, patience, creativity, hope, and miracles.  the Singer of the Chalice is about being open to unconditional love, healing, and more, as one big feeling that flows through us from the Universe, and if we can open ourselves up to one of those energies, then we can open ourselves up to all of them.  all we need to do is ask, so they know we're consciously ready to let them in. 

 

 

 

 

3. What kind of deception or illusion is currently present?  G.Hobyah

 

 

 

imaginary fears, unreal hazards, realistic caution.  to gain a greater ability to open our hearts the way the Singer of the Chalice asks us, we need to look for the truth behind our fears.  for the strength to face real challenges, we need to see them for what they truly are - and face them honestly - so we can distinguish between them, and what is a projection of our old traumas and fears onto our imaginary futures.  

 

 

 

 

4. What step is needed to remove my rose-colored glasses?  Laiste, Moon's Daughter

 

 

light cast in shadows, spiritual guidance, illumination, riddles.  Laiste wants us to pay attention to the mystical, and she's not beyond putting an obstacle or pitfall in our path to wake us up to the multiverse.  she is encouraging us to mine for subconscious treasure, the cosmic wisdom we don't even know we know, but...we know.  step into the flow of those feelings and lean into trusting that process.  the Moon's Daughter will leave symbols for us to read in our dreams.

 

 

 

 

 "If you lean into the work of self-reflection and find within you a profound willingness to feel the scary feels, the potential for coming out of this lunar cycle radically transformed in deep places in your consciousness is about as good as it gets...turn to whatever connects you most to the Divine during these few days for the comfort and courage that may be required of you at this time.  And remember, there is  no wound that Spirit cannot heal." - Michael Lennox

 

again, thank you for coming along, commenting, and sharing - this reading is for anyone who wants/needs it!  as always, I hope there's something in here for you personally, and feel free to contact me for a private reading.  

💙💜💙

 

 

resources:

Lexi Hikari for Astrology Answers

moonandcactus

Jamie Partridge - Astrology King

Neptune music

New Moon in Capricorn

here's something I've been meaning to talk about for awhile - tarot, and my connection to reading cards.  I got my first deck 37 years ago at the (long since defunct) cool local head shop the OM where they sold silver jewelry, leather goods, paraphernalia, posters, groovy clothing, black lights, incense, tarot cards, and various 'adult' items I didn't yet know the use for.  of all the things I bought there over my teen years, I only still have this amazing deer suede shirt by Erda, and my Tarot of the Witches deck of tarot cards (scroll down at the link for a deck review).

 

 

 

where did I first learn about tarot?  in my mother's shelves of books which included Eden Gray's Tarot Revealed: A Modern Guide to Reading the Tarot Cards?  in the library stacks, where I discovered so much more?  in the music I listened to, the people I bonded with?  or was it in the head shop itself, the first time I saw that High Priestess image in her jewel tones, on the outside of the box, her cold stare beckoning to me from some weird, nightmarish, yet oddly comforting circus-world.  I learned many years later from some acquaintances who owned a bookstore that this unique deck by Fergus Hall was featured in the 1973 James Bond film Live and Let Die.  so weird!

 

Roger Moore as 007 & Jane Seymour as Solitaire

in a way, it's cliche to be (part) Roma and read tarot cards, and I did 'work' the exoticism many of my cousins complain about feeling targeted and harassed for before I understood the implications of that sexualized perspective to those without my privilege.  now, I feel like plenty of people capitalize on tenuous and non-existent links to marginalized cultures, so why should I feel bad about owning my own cultural heritage, especially when it has nothing to do with my interest in tarot?  how my father hated to see me dabbling in the occult; how averse he was to anything that might be interpreted as 'witchcraft' from growing up with a stigma about being Roma, as well as Jewish - a culture which abhors the witch.  for sure I was the only kid in my high school class doing readings in the school library during lunch!  the folks I met later at Renaissance fairs, Rainbow gatherings, pagan camp-outs, and work with in a coven had more of a connection to esoteric knowledge, and through them my understanding of tarot & magick deepened and grew.  even though I've been drawn to other styles and types of tarot decks and spreads, I've mostly only ever used my own deck, other than a few reads with a friend's Celtic Tree Oracle (though there isn't a Celtic bone in my body), and had never read any minor arcana cards because in my deck, those cards are 'pips' - just a picture of the suit with that number of cups/batons/coins/swords on it - rather than the well-known picture cards imbued with symbolic meanings.

 

10 of cups on the bottom right is a 'pip' card.

 

during my last round of college I met a well-educated, forthright, outspoken, proud young Cale woman from a well-known Flamenco family who taught me what it meant to be an advocate for the Roma people, and through her, I became acquainted with many other Romani scholars, activists, and artists.  and wonderful as it was to finally get access to real and empowering information about Roma people and culture, it was just as hard to feel shut down by some of them because tarot card reading/belly dancing/poetry writing/white girl Roma who say G*psy and claim to have Romani grandmothers yet no tradition/language/community get told by more traditional Roma who know who they are and grew up in communities with shared languages to sit down, and stay in our lane.  they call us 'didikoi' (half-breed), and sometimes even 'gadje' (non-Roma), because they know how much it hurts.  now, I have a great deal of respect for those scholars, activists, and artists, but I also see that I can be proud of my Roma heritage, and still read cards, while being an active voice in the conversation to uplift our communities.  I feel that I have a responsibility to speak about Roma issues from where I stand, without what is considered to be a 'traditional' upbringing, and I have every right to do my work for financial gain, as well.  why waste my energy envying folks for doing the same work I've felt called to do for so many years, out of some sense of moral conscience, just because someone who doesn't know me said I can't/shouldn't?  now that I've had a few years of feeling badly for possibly misrepresenting my own culture in the past when I knew less about it, in a world where so many appropriators are out there doing it every day, and since I now know better and do my best to elevate the narrative, I honestly no longer see any problem with my engaging in a practice I've studied for decades, no matter what ethnicity, religion, or traditional folkways I come from.

 

I believe in using the tarot as a tool to help clear your mind, to think deeply about the situations in your life, and help guide your decisions.  there are those who do less and claim more.

a friend of mine recently downsized their home, so they gifted me a number of different tarot decks, some of which I was able to pass on to other people who needed them.  soon after that, I felt a strong draw towards Katelan Foisy's P7:  Planetarium workshops during which I really reconnected with that way of being 'witchy' - getting back to my cards, burning candles & herbs, charging and using crystals in ritual, working with the moon, engaging with astrology, sigils, goddess energy, chakras, dreams...it was refreshingly inspiring.  during that time, I'd been seeing a flyer for Shea's tarot group at the library, and didn't manage to get to it in person before it went online for the pandemic - which I'm glad it did, as it's been great to have what amounts to a women's group to connect with regularly this past year!  so through that online group, I've been renewing my relationship with the major arcana from a more diverse and mature perspective, bringing in all I've learned through both my academic and independent research in family systems theory, mythology, folklore, ethnography, storytelling, and collective and personal experience.  I'm also learning how to work with the minors which obviously opens up a whole new level of understanding for me after all these years, which has been deeply gratifying.

for the online group, I'd been working with the Tarot of a Moon Garden as it was the only deck I had that's based on Pamela Coleman Smith's artwork, though it's a bit fairie-cartooney for me, and...not quite right.  I'd been wanting to get a deck that spoke  to my newer understanding of what a deck can be - like the the Thoth deck I've been wanting to work with for at least 30 years, now - and I had recently become aware of The Hoodoo Tarot through Katelan, who I didn't at first realize had done the artwork, or had done a previous Oracle deck with Tayannah Lee McQuillar (the Sibyls Oraculum).  I didn't want to buy it, though, because something I read made me feel like the deck was only really meant for a certain population, and that as a non-white white person, it isn't a population I belong to, so I promoted it out of my love for it, but did what I thought was staying in my lane by not buying it.  

 

"The Hoodoo Tarot is a Gorgeous deck, and I keep going back to look at it! I was recently lamenting the lack of Black, Indigenous, and People of Color on tarot decks in general, and while I have no knowledge of, nor cultural connection to, Hoodoo (or Rootwork), I am still Very drawn to this deck, and would love to work with it!" - Oct. 2019

 

during a recent wander through Barnes & Noble, I was pleased to see The Hoodoo Tarot on the shelf with a few other forward-thinking decks I recently became aware of, and it occurred to me...first of all, right on Tayannah & Katelan!  and if they're selling that deck in Barnes & Noble, hopefully to enough people to earn them a good living along with the other work they do, then as someone who deeply respects the traditions and cultures of others stemming from a history of having my own misunderstood and disrespected, I can certainly work with this deck, too.  I didn't have enough in the budget to buy it right then, but after receiving some monetary gifts for my recent birthday, I happily went back for it (and gotten the This Might Hurt & The Wild Unknown decks, as well).

 

look!!!

I've also learned to branch out from the classic 10-card Celtic cross and explore different spreads.  the Celtic Tree Oracle uses a fairly elaborate 15-card set-up, and Froud's Faerie Oracle uses one and three card pulls for beginner basics, then encourages dabblers to use their intuition to draw cards about a situation or conflict, and formulate a series of deeper questions based on the number of cards drawn.  some of the folks I follow on instagram will posts links to different spreads from other readers, but I can't always tell what the source is, and as a librarian's kid who's spent time in academics, if I can't cite it, I won't reference it.  and though I'm not new to doing this work, I'm new to advertising online that I do it, and I realize that not only is there a learning curve, but there are SO many others out there with much more business acumen and advertising savvy doing the same thing, and it's rather daunting...and I certainly don't want to step on any toes! in that spirit, I'll share some of my favorite online resources:  I really dig the intuitive astrology by Tanaaz of Forever Conscious, the weekly readings from moonandcactus on instagram are great, and I like 3am.tarot for spreads and card meanings.  Meg's (3am.tarot) seasonal tarotscopes on autostraddle are really meaningful for me, and her instagram crystal pairings make me stop and think about what I'm looking to clarify.  astrology isn't a field I've worked with much past in the past, and I'm still learning the basics past my own sun sign, stars, and planets, but it works well with tarot for me in terms of giving me a frame in which to hang ritual work around (think Solstices and Equinoxes).  

 

so, this is my way of saying that I am once again going to be offering tarot card readings!  the decks I currently work with are:  Tarot of the Witches, The Celtic Tree Oracle, The Fairy Oracle, the Lover's Tarot, Tarot of a Moon Garden, The Hoodoo Tarot, The Living Altar, the This Might Hurt tarot, & The Wild Unknown.  get in touch with me so we can work together - and since I'm all about helping people connect with their own cultural heritage, I'm happy to help you figure out what that is, and which deck or decks would be right for you for a reading.  also, the best way for me to do this work is by giving something back to the various organizations that also seek to reconnect folks to their heritage/culture, and preserve it, so we can figure out how that might look for you, as well.  following is a list of organizations I believe in, and am happy to support, and please let me know if there's another group/organization you'd like to see on this list.  I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

 

5% of your reading fee can go towards:

https://www.nativewomenswilderness.org/mmiw

https://www.nqttcn.com/

https://venmo.com/TheNapMinistry

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://www.hicksfordistrictsix.com/ 

https://citizenactionny.org/

https://eriac.org/

https://www.natifs.org/indigenous-food-lab/ 

https://www.splcenter.org/

Dreams: 11.26ish.19

did I run into 'ex-boyfriend #3' at some fancy hotel place?  or did my friends orchestrate it?  but there he was, and it was freaking me out.  it made me so insecure, but also curious.  he tailed us for awhile, made sure I saw him, but didn't approach.  I went back to my room or wherever, and got a call to come down, or went to meet my friends...I don't know, but he was interested.  too interested.  why?  what did he want?  he was cool and calm about my apprehension, pursued me across what felt like days.  it was his place...I couldn't get away, because he kept offering more and more for free.  some jewels, a hair stick, whatever I wanted.  I agreed to meet him.  we talked, I asked after his mom (he/they were obviously on my mind because of that last post).  was there a reason he was called away?  did I get a chance to see him acting in some fashion that made me see him for who he was?  it wasn't Me he was after, just some unfinished creeper business (last night's conversation with a friend about past relationships).  I ran up a staircase hung with metal items that caught at me, up to a big window that showed the dark night outside, and the gentle rain.  I ran.  I ran to edge of wherever I was, to a grassy field, with some fancy green writer's retreat type cabins (stopping in at our 'old place' yesterday) next to it, and I realized he owned it all - that something about that field made me realize his plan, and my place in it.  that I was going to go into one of them, and write a book.
---
someone or something in my current life is bringing up feelings similar to the ones I felt in that relationship - a freer and less encumbered time where the responsibilities of adulthood did not interfere with the spontaneity of romance - but I've moved on, and it's time to have new relationships.  there are neglected aspects of my personality that need attention in order to resolve myself towards moving on.  instead of putting up a facade/hiding my true self/trying to divert attention to unimportant things, there is a new state of mind or shift in personal identity - a transition, a moving away from old habits, and old ways of thinking.  aspects of my personality that I have rejected are ready to incorporate and acknowledge some positive news.  also shows unhappiness with the amount of friends that I have right now, as I want to feel accepted by others, though I'm not necessarily comfortable with that situation because I need to get to know people before I trust them.  in refusing to acknowledge a certain viewpoint or idea, or someone trying to make me conform to their ideals (a particular aspect of me, or a relationship), I'm feeling somewhere between satisfied and repressed.  bringing myself closer to the feminine, or opportunities I may have.  messages from my subconscious, or telepathy about confronting issues I've been avoiding, indicates the difficulty I'm having with communication, and relationships with others.  I'm also rewarding and recognizing my giving and generous nature, which I hold in high esteem.  I know my value, and I'm proud of myself, and in knowing my self-worth and good traits (in terms of status, personal value, knowledge, identity, and qualities I hold precious), I need to acknowledge the importance of spiritual and psychological riches, and incorporate those corresponding qualities.  in bringing awareness to hierarchy, authority, and charm in my life, as well as clues to relationships and status, I also bring a refusal to be tied by the neck, or have a self-inflated ego.  I am open to new ideas, and always ready to show a new me - I am loyal, vital, devoted, and manage to overcome negative feelings.  I treasure my attributes and values, as I have high expectations.  the way I find resolution to a conflict or problem shows my subconscious working in accordance with my consciousness, which is suggesting that I should redirect myself towards more productive endeavors, and that I need to further accept and incorporate various aspects of Self.  my fear of abandonment, added to the feeling of not measuring up to expectations, are factors in my long-term trust and/or self-esteem issues.

I'm leaving behind what is hindering my growth - unresolved childhood issues, feelings of neglect/being overlooked, and a need for more support and security.  there is more inner-child work to be done.  there are issues I'm trying to avoid, or actions I'm not taking or accepting responsibility for - such as facing or confronting my fears.  I could also be showing determination in going after what I want.  there is evidence to suggest I am emerging from a negative or depressed situation (a higher level of understanding, rational thinking and objectivity, holding myself in high regard).  there is change and transformation.  I am achieving the higher levels; making spiritual, emotional, and material progress.  my strength and character lead me through the inhumane sides of society, which also suggest a healthy libido and sexual desire.  I feel let out of a stuck situation, and though I am still somewhat blocked or trapped in my perception or vitality, I remain open to new experiences.  my point of view/outlook on life/consciousness (my intuition and awareness) find me reflecting on a decision about something that frightens me (the unknown), or that I'm not ready to face, as I appear unclear on how to move forward.  while I may suffer major setbacks and obstacles, death begets rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.  the mysterious and dark unconscious...a yearly crisis that requires deep and painful sacrifice before enlightenment.  more calling out for integration.  renewal, devotion, love, and rebirth balanced by depression, sadness, built up emotion.  forgiveness and grace is what's needed - tears crying sadness/vs./fertility and renewal.  spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to my awareness (fortune and love).  there is a need to 'hurry up and act', even though I'm anxious about the situation at hand - time is running out.  it's possible an achievement or goal has been reached; that bad times are ending, and something new is beginning (great abundance, freedom and happiness, a period of personal growth).  though there's a part of myself I can always rely on for natural protection, I tend to look at what others have (grass in greener) through the lens of envy and lust.  on the one hand, I'm reading symbols of positive change, such as good health, growth, vitality, healing, hope, fertility, vigor, peace, serenity, a big "go" sign, environmental consciousness, money, wealth, and a striving to gain recognition and establish my independence.  on the other hand, I am also inexperienced  and can similarly read less positive symbols such as jealousy, materialism, deceit, difficulty sharing, and a need to balance my male/female energies. there is a desire for a simple home/life/situation.  in terms of my own soul/self, I seem concerned with outward appearances, though in entering a new phase with more emotional maturity, I'm also dealing with feelings of rejection/insecurity/being left behind.  I am driven by a need to express thoughts, free association, bringing the unconscious to the surface (communicating with others or my own conscious mind), or refers to an error in judgement or mistake that that I've made.  I may need to learn something new (what I need to examine), which may represent my calling to a specific field of work, or an area that I need to devote more study to.

---

and more of the same last night - not an ex-boyfriend, but some nebulous man-character.  perhaps a hook-up, perhaps the boy, even?  dismissing me, after having a night or so of fun.  college environment, so it was in front of others where I was being dismissed and embarrassed, belittled and hurt.  packing a backpack for a camping trip, while dude made it abundantly clear we were done (recent loss of people I had thought of as friends).

---

these dreams are about moving on, and about meeting the kinds of people who are already aligned with the consciousness I have developed over the years through a deep knowing of Who I Am, and What I Am Worth - which comes from my connection to a deep spirituality, and commitment to doing the serious and important (and sometimes painful) work of growing into higher and higher consciousness.  I have always been inspired by those around me, and at the moment, I don't have enough (or the right) people in my life to inspire me towards my goals.  I'm picky about who I allow near, because of deep childhood wounds, but I keep moving forward all the same, learning and growing.  some aspects of being a parent have brought up old wounds, and in being able to look at them, and speak (or write) about them, helps me heal from them, and move more gracefully into the life I want.  there is more work to be done (always), as I'm out here doing it on my own, unsupported...especially during this time of the year.  this constant renewal, and a recognition that my son will be looking to move away from me soon, makes me anxious for the decisions we will both need to be making in the near future, but I can and should be confident in my ability to make them for myself, and help him with his, even though I feel I've failed myself in the same situations in the past.  I often feel as if I had just played by society's rules and found a partner to hitch my wagon to, I'd have the security of the homes and relationships that I constantly witness from the outside, that look as if they would have given me a solid platform from which to succeed.  I'm also smart enough to know that I can reach a modest level of success without compromising my values and ideals, and that I can, and will, always continue to learn what it is I need in order to achieve what I desire.

Dreams: 9.6.19

dreamed I was at an event, not sure what, but we were dressed nicely.  met an old friend there, who insisted I pop into the event They were attending where my first serious boyfriend was, with the rest of their crew (S, D, B, M).  was D who found me, was happy to see B & S.  M barely registered.  I snuck around the edges, looking at S, while D told him he had found me, and brought me.  I decided I was too nervous/ugly/fat, and tried to sneak back out - I recognized several members of S and D's families, and didn't want to be seen by them (like they'd even remember me).  but the guys saw me trying to sneak away, and cajoled me into coming over to where S was trying to play it cool, because he was horrified by being put on the spot, too.  looking down he asked why I tried to sneak away, didn't I want to see him?  well, he was married with kids and all that, so I shouldn't really be here at all, and it had been so very long...  no, the kids were grown, he was divorced...that's why he was ashamed?  well, I'm single, have a teen, here he is, I think I should go.  no wait...  we're standing so close together, almost whispering in each other's ears.  our lips are so near, if we just turn our heads...  our lips touch.  it's too much already and I pull away, say I have to go.  he asks me to wait, to come with him after the event, to a more casual venue where we can be easy with each other, just wait for him for about an hour, will I?  I guess...I fill my pockets with incense/matches/chocolates/what-have-you from his event - hurry though, I'm going to say my goodbyes to my crew, and be outside with the kid.  I won't wait too long, but I will wait for a bit.  people begin their slow strolls towards their cars from both events, and I find myself wandering around the parking area, watching the goodbyes.  D's kid punches mine in the stomach, then sits in the back of a car pouring boiling water over his bare feet.  I walk down a grassy bank and ford a stream to get to...some other part of the grass, maybe hug someone, maybe just keep wandering alone.  the feelings behind that one kiss keeping me there, wondering why, but waiting nonetheless.

---

SO much to dig into, here...to dream of being at a fancy party with old friends suggests I need to get out more and enjoy myself!  or that I'm putting up a facade and hiding parts of my true self, diverting attention to unimportant things.  in a place of togetherness, a celebratory venue, thus a positive experience of reconnecting with a part of myself that I have lost touch with.  it's time to pick up that old hobby, or put a long hidden talent to use.  that the invitation comes from a friend of an ex-boyfriend indicates an aspect of my own self that I'm still getting to know.  it invites me to incorporate certain characteristics into myself, like feeling comfortable with people, a desire to feel accepted, and possibly even attractive.

so the ex-boyfriend...it was my first ex-boyfriend.  I want to have that kind of love affair, again.  to recapture the excitement of a freer, less-encumbered time when nothing interferes with the spontaneity of romance or freedom in the vitality of youth.  also about missing being in a relationship and wanting to feel wanted.  the desire for a learning relationship, some of that next level kind of stuff I've been talking about, yet not feeling great about connecting with it in a larger circle.  there is an overall air of self-doubt and insecurity.

he was also old and fat, and full of uncertainty, but we were/I was looking back on the good old days of first love, most likely triggered by the major shift in my life re:  forced relocation due to eminent domain.  dreams like that always leave me wanting more - sex with a side of love, deeply fulfilling connections that haunt me for days.  but I'm asked to wait - which means I have a secret I should tell, but I do wait, patiently, because I know things will happen at their own pace, and amid the anticipatory uneasiness, I'm letting him take the lead.

taking all the treats on the way out - incense/matches/chocolate - speaks to rekindling a high level of awareness, though an overindulgence in excesses suggests it's time to practice some restraint.  feeling undeserving of what I have, and am afraid of losing it...overstepping boundaries.  feeling deprived and needy, with unrealized and unfulfilled goals.  in saying my goodbyes I'm letting go of my worries, and moving on to a new phase in my life.

outside, I am free, and feel open to opportunities.  I can spread out, enjoy being more expressive, and stop closing myself off.  know things are worth the wait, and slow down!  the parking lot suggests taking a break on my path, and not moving for the moment...that I should take some time away from daily activities.  my sense of morality and character are in a bit of a conflict, so it's time to turn efforts and energies elsewhere.  stop and enjoy life.

watching my kid get punched could indicate a longing for the past, or an attempt to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes - that my inner child is lacking a voice, is repressed, or that a part of my own childhood is lost.  there is something I need to see grow, and nurtured, and there is a desire to feel needed and significant.  there could also be some latent talent or hidden knowledge that I have failed to recognize.  *the pouring boiling water over the feet is something I 'kind-of' do - not boiling, but a bit hotter than I can actually stand it, because it sometimes relieves the pain of my eczema/psoriasis/whatever the hell the itchy patches I sometime get are...but does it relieve the pain?  or simply make a different kind of pain to distract from the original pain?  I see it as a form of self-harm, personally, and in the dream, it seems to indicate a need to punish myself for doing things I know are wrong, whatever they may be (punching another kid when I was a kid?  purposely injuring my own inner child?  purposely hurting my adult self?)*.  the car being parked points to stagnancy, and that the kid is in the back seat means a lost drive, and that others are making the decisions - I'm not even in the car!  it could mean that I'm wasting my time with a fruitless endeavor, and need to find some of the aforementioned joy.

walking down a grassy hill to cross a stream speaks to my easy path through life, and my slow yet steady progress towards my goals.  while I may have made a wrong decision or gone in the wrong direction and faced setbacks that resulted in repressed thoughts, even though things haven't 'gone my way', there's a part of me I can always rely on to protect myself because I know the grass is the same color green on all sides.  I still manage to patiently find my way to the Universal Unconscious where a fresh flow of ideas and emotions indicate a positive bridging of the different aspects my emotions.  even though the loving parts of my nature may need some TLC in order to heal emotionally, I still lack the motivation to point myself in that direction due to the lack of understanding that usually leaves me feeling rejected.  so I suffer with self-doubt and uncertainty, but it leads me to higher knowledge and a certain spiritual enlightenment.  in knowing that what I'm seeking is worth the time it takes to find, and that hassling over the anxiety and unease surrounding decisions of power and control in relationships won't help me along, I need to remain calm, and centered.

Dreams: sometime back in June or July, before our latest move.

seeing the bestie's brother in my dream could signify that I desire his popularity and success for myself, and also that this current life situation is making me feel awkward and embarrassed about myself/my situation.  that he (as someone I'm not really friendly with) needed my help could be indicative of My need to compromise for the greater good - to come to an understanding/middle ground so I can move forward.  the same with mom being there...while she could represent my need for warmth, love, security, and a possible secret longing to be a 'wealthy housewife', it also speaks to my bitterness over our rivalry.  she wasn't 'being herself' and was more just an extra body for me to care for, suggesting my desire for distance from her, and my anger at being dismissed as insignificant.  it also indicates my need to reconnect with ME - to adopt & mother myself.  the bestie recently said to me, "I can't be all bad if my people still want me after all the f-ed up shite I've done"...and my dreaming of his family members shows how I wish my family felt the same, revealing my tendency to idealize/romanticize how I think a 'real' family should function, and how I want that for myself.

as for the presence, of the bestie himself, what aspects of his character do I need to foster and acknowledge in my own self?  being ready and willing to 'party' at all times?  not being willing to see his aging self the way the world does (or to see it and laugh at it)?  being more fun loving?  independent?  uncompromising?  to work hard, and muddle through life mostly alone?  the fact that we've managed to maintain our friendship through 30 years of ups and downs is what keeps us close...that, and my willingness to 'hold on loosely, but not let go'.  he also - in dream land - indicates good news.

the boy and the cat are tough ones...the boy mostly shows up in my dreams because he's pretty much everything I live for, and the cat may have been there as an extension of him, and a general indication that I needed my whole family with me in order to navigate this dream-scape.  the cat as a symbol represents independence, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power, and a pet usually represents civilized instincts, and holding one's temper.  also, more of that need for love and acceptance due to feeling neglected.  all of these qualities are important to helping me navigate the situations at hand.

all that water...the clear, calm, gentle waves that we were floating on symbolizes my subconscious, and my emotional state of mind.  Water is the living essence of the psyche, and the flow of life energy - it is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing, and refreshment, and that I am in tune with that spirituality, imbuing me with serenity, peace of mind, rejuvenation, renewal, and clarity.  it indicates that in reflecting on an important life decision that needs to be made, that I have a handle on my emotions.

while we weren't riding 'in' a vehicle, but were sitting on top of one speaks to the level and type of control I have over my own life, or that someone is exerting their power over me, and I'm doing my best to stay on top of it.  that it was a large vehicle, perhaps a van of some sort, asks that I consider how much of a load I can feasibly carry, and to not stress myself out by carrying too much.  that the vehicle is under water implies this is an emotional journey.  that I saw the life raft at such a distance from us suggests my feeling distanced from any help with coping, that I've failed to build a firm foundation for myself, and that much work is still needed in order to succeed.  also, that I want to be rescued from the current situation that is beyond my control!  the rope they threw me represents my connection and attachment to others, and how those relationships are what's holding me together.  there's a lot here about my feelings of being ignored and neglected, and that I'm trying to find ways to cry out for help that will make me feel accomplished and loved (luckily, I'm not too proud to ask for it).

that the cat got loose once we got to safety speaks to my need to express myself in the most primal of ways, and indicates how well some sexual release would serve me right now!  that we needed to go find her highlights more of that independence I crave - the need to be free of the things that hold me back.  forgetting her name/what she looks like are an expression of an overwhelming amount of stress in my life due to the need for me to tend to everything and everyone in my current situation.  that the boy and I made it to shore together (to find the cat) suggests that my emotional needs will be satisfied, and that my inner turmoil has been resolved.  It refers to the point where the conscious mind meets the subconscious, and that I will have come to a place of solace and comfort, though there is still much to be considered.

all the animals running towards their humans on that shore are sex and more sex, and that out of all those beings I was specifically aware of the horses speaks to more strength and power, endurance, and virility.  I have a distinct need to 'tame the wild forces within', yet also need to 'reign myself in' a bit.  in finding the cat, it shows I am coming into contact with some aspect of my psyche or subconscious that was previously repressed, and represents change.

that I managed to finally get my little band to a shelter represents the difficulties and sense of helplessness that I'm experiencing, and managing to find some of the security and stability I've been looking for.  that I passed out once we got there says that I may yet not be able to confront some of the subconscious issues or feelings I've been experiencing, and need to be more aware of, and acknowledge them.  waking up, then, indicates that something is missing or lacking in my life- that there are aspects of myself, and abilities I possess that I am not utilizing to their fullest potential.  my dream is literally telling me to open my eyes and wake up - or could be the entry point to lucidity.

"lucidity gives you the ability to control your own dreams and steer them toward the direction you want.  in the lucid state, you are more willing to confront threats and as a result, become more self confident.  when you achieve lucidity, you can use it as a tool to...solve a problem in your waking life.  you can use lucid dreams to...overcome phobias,  get over writer's block, etc.  lucid dreams can help you visualize and rehearse an event in your mind before it actually occurs.  it helps to overcome fears and anxieties."  they can help you become self-confident in confronting threats, problem-solve, overcome fear & anxiety, help you train & prepare in setting the stage for what's to come.

for reference:
http://www.dreammoods.com/
https://www.dreamdictionary.org/