Shabbat Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse Shalom (last week)

I'm really tired because I started a new job that has me working 9 hours a day Sunday through Thursday, and 4 hours on Fridays.  while I'm sure I'll get used to the schedule/routine, it's a lot at the moment.  and since there's a bunch of things that need doing around the house on my one day off, I'm making a list so I can get them done quickly, and hopefully still have time to rest a bit before going back to work tomorrow.

    dishes - I put away the clean dishes, then washed the rest of the dirty ones so I could clean the sink to wash my work shirts in.  yes, it would be more 'appropriate' to wash them in the bathroom sink, in my opinion, but the bathroom sink is too small.  then I took a small break to update the blog, have a snack, and play some online sheshbesh, too.  ✔

    wash work shirts - got the work shirts washed to the best of my ability.  there's no stopper, so it's kind of impossible to get the sink to fill with water without it draining out before I'm done.  whatever.  maybe I'll get a chance to wash them at the laundromat after payday (nope.  washed them in the sink again this week).  ✔

    Clean The Bathroom - did the bathroom, yay!  honestly, I hadn't cleaned it for too long, and it was getting really gross.  mostly just the toilet, but since I'm the only one here, and I don't have guests, the only one being grossed out by it is me, so...yeah.  I swept the floor, but it still needs to be mopped, which is next on the list.  I really dislike doing the floors for some reason, so I tend to procrastinate on them.  probably because they never really look 100% clean to me, and get dirty again so quickly.  ✔

    mop floors - there.  I did 7/8 of the floor.  the last 1/8 will wait a few minutes while the last bit I did dries.  I do it in sections...it doesn't take a lot of time, it's just annoying because I sometimes have to go over a section more than once to get every speck of dust and debris I can because I'm like that.  ✔

    re-pot however many plants I can - turns out I had enough soil to re-pot 6 plants!  one of my baby lemon trees, and 5 of my little tree sprouts, which a quick google search leads me to believe are 'Bauhinia variegata', aka 'purple orchid tree'.  ✔

    make a big salad for work lunches - (this happened the next morning, but it did happen.)  ✖

    cook a 'proper' meal (stir-fry) -  scrambled the eggs; meant to do the meat next but was going too fast and accidentally put the rice in the pot first, so that's simmering now.  rice and meat are both done; veggies are chopped and cooking; rice has been added to the pot; meat added along with legumes and spices, and finally the eggs.  time to eat!  ✔

    meerpeset - well, I went out to sweep the meerpeset, but there are three air conditioners upstairs that drip down onto it, and with the floor being wet, I ended making a bigger mess of it than was there to begin with.  so that was really annoying, stupid, and counter-productive.  and since my 'indoor shoes' got wet and dirty out there, they left dirt just inside the door on the floor I just mopped, so I had to wipe that spot again.  yay!  grumble grumble angry face.  it's ok, it's done now, and I'm just going to move on (I did finally get the meerpeset clean to my standards a few days later).  ✖

    talk to the kid - (happened the next morning before I had to get ready for work, but it did happen.)  ✖

    lay on an icepack - done and done (just about every day, these days).  ✔

that was my whole Shabbat (last week).  and while I know most people can probably get more done in a day than washing their dishes, handwashing 5 t-shirts, cleaning their bathrooms, mopping their floors, doing a bit of gardening and cleaning the porch, making a salad and a stir-fry, while writing a blog post about it, for me it's a lot.  especially since my diabetes is wildly uncontrolled at the moment, and I'm tired all the time.  the full moon tends to drain my energy and it being an eclipse had me all over the place emotionally, as well.  I didn't even get to see the moon turn red because I fell asleep as soon as I completed my list, and woke up just after it ended.  go figure.

I didn't end up working this Friday - I had an appointment with the nutritionist, and was supposed to go in after if there was still time, but there wasn't.  so I wandered through the shuk to see if there was anything I needed, but I wanted to take a closer look at the meal plan the nutritionist made for me before buying anything, so I just got some chicken (which I knew was part of the meal plan), and a small challah, and headed home for Shabbat.  I managed to get the dishes done and the sink cleaned again because I had to wash my work shirts by hand again, and cooked a meal of mac & cheese - which was definitely NOT on the meal plan, but I had planned for it and purchased the ingredients for it, so I went for it.  it was pretty good, but I don't think I did myself any favors by eating it.  I still would like to clean the bathroom and do the floors again because if I leave them for next week, it will once again get too dirty in here for me to function well.  I really do much better in a clean space.

it's only just past noon, and there's plenty of time to get the cleaning done, as well as some paperwork, and taking a good look at that meal plan so I can implement it during my work week.  I'm supposed to be checking my blood sugar 2 hours after my meals, too, which I generally don't bother with because I know it's generally high, and I don't need the stress of knowing how high, but I guess I'm trying?  I'd like to be able to have more energy for the kids I work with - and for myself, in the event I ever do anything other than work again.  I did lose some weight since I moved to Israel, and my A1C which has been through the roof did come down a point, but that's not enough to really make a difference.  I've gotten it down before, and I'd like to get it down again to avoid having to take the insulin and other various drugs my doctor tried to prescribe which I refused to take.  

the nutritionist also said the way I take the one medication I did agree to use isn't doing me any favors, and suggested a better schedule, so I'm working on correcting that as well.  again, it's probably not a lot for most people, but I'm not most people.  I'm ME, and I function as well as I can inside a societal framework that doesn't fit my idea of what life should be like because I want to survive a bit longer than my dad, who died at 57 (I'm 56), and maybe even as long as my mom, who died at 77.  and I want to be as vibrant and healthy as I can rather than a frail old woman confined to a wheelchair or a bed.  it's not like I have any life insurance to pay for an old people home when that time comes.  

I still feel so young in my heart and mind, it's hard to believe I'm anything other than the 20 year old kid I once was, though the lack of male attention I receive makes me feel as if I've become invisible.  I'm not sure if it's my age, my weight, or my not-so-subtle 'fuck off' vibe.  I went on a few dates recently, and while I wasn't impressed with them, they seemed interested enough, so...I don't know.  maybe they were so desperate they'd take anything, and I'm not nearly that interested in ruining my peace for someone that doesn't meet my rigid standards.  we'll see.  maybe if I get myself feeling more healthy I'll feel more confident about meeting people for romantic interludes.  right now, it's enough to keep my apartment up to my level of acceptance!

boring post that says nothing, really, but like with most things, I'm trying to keep to a schedule, so there it is. Shabbat Shalom ~

Shabbat New Moon in Virgo Shalom

what do I even have to say anymore?  that I can't stand most people?  I think it's pretty apparent if you know me at all, or read this blog, though I'm not sure I've addressed it here.  so let's address it now!

1.  I'm tired of people who don't work, don't try to work, or contribute to their community in any way.  when I was raising my child as a single parent, I definitely needed help making ends meet, so I had to rely on social services (and child support payments) to keep a roof over our heads, and food on our table.  that said, I still worked, tried to work, and/or contributed to my community in various ways.  I didn't have family to rely on, though while my mom was still alive I could usually count on her to put a $50 bill in my annual birthday card, which I usually spent on myself because it was the only boost I would get for the year, and if we can't take care of ourselves, even if only in some tiny way, we can't take care of others.

2.  I'm done in with all the various 'diagnoses' and mental health challenges that people claim are preventing them from working, trying to work, or contributing to their communities in any way.  there are plenty of 'neurodivergent' folks out there who are making a living doing one thing or another without making their issues their whole personality.  I firmly believe that I exist somewhere on that 'spectrum' as well, but I've never been tested/poked/prodded to find out where, and at closer-to-60-than-50 at this point, I really don't care.  I manage to get along as best as I can, and that's good enough for me.  do I find it frustrating at times to not really seem to be able to 'get ahead' in this world for one reason or another?  you bet your bippy - but I've also learned that having a label to attach to my issues doesn't really offer any benefits that matter, or further my goals, so why bother?

3.  I don't care for people who use alcohol as their main source of 'fun' or release.  there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine/beer/liquor or two (or even three), but if it's all night every night - or worse, during the day - I think it's a problem for you, which makes it a problem for me.  by all means, drink your meals, boo boo - just don't expect me to join in, hang out, or want to be around you at all when you do, and probably not when you don't, either.  I have been a chronic pot smoker for much of my adult life with the exception of the times I couldn't afford to buy any (like now), and I don't feel the same way about people who indulge in that habit as I do about people who drink.  prejudice?  maybe.  but there's a certain kind of overindulgent pot smoker that I don't like, either.  again, if it's your whole personality rather than just one aspect of who you are, it gets a bit...much.  but like with alcohol, if you can indulge responsibly, we're probably good.

4.  I CANNOT STAND liars!  I don't appreciate being lied to, for any reason.  I would much prefer to hear a hard truth than to catch someone out in telling me something they think I want to hear.  and I will find out the truth, one way or another.  history has shown me that I can easily find out on my own if I dig just a little bit, or simply wait it out for the Universe to reveal, eventually the lie will be brought to the light, and I will distance myself from the source of that dishonesty.  

5.  I like people who are smarter and more well-adjusted than I am, though they don't usually care for the uncompromising mess that is me.  I can play along for awhile, but not for long, and eventually they will get bored of my issues, just like I'm bored of the issues of the people I no longer have patience for, so it all evens out in the end.  I used to know this guy who said the standards I hold people to are so ridiculously high, that no one can expect to tick all the boxes, and I should just get used to being alone and/or lonely.  I said that was fine, and it mostly is, because I do enjoy solitude/my own company, though it would be nice to be able to make friends a bit more easily, and keep them longer.  but the reason my standards are so high is because I'm tired of being hurt by people who lie, cheat, choose a party lifestyle over one of substance, live inside their own personal issues, or live off of others without making any attempt to contribute to their community.  

having recently moved to another country, I've been a bit fed up with only having the opportunity to interact with other recent immigrants with the exception of the folks who work in the stores I shop at, drive the buses I ride, or run the agencies I've been to in order to find work.  there are those who say I need to go to synagogue on Shabbat to meet people, but the synagogue most of the people I've met attend is for 'Anglos' who are inherently more religious than I am, and are probably not 'my people' anyway.  but you have to start somewhere, right?  the High Holidays are coming up, and while I don't think I'll be able to attend services ($$$), it might be nice to find myself invited to someone's Shabbat table sometime.  so, I keep 'meaning' to go to temple of a Saturday, but have yet to get there.  it's hard to make myself walk somewhere I don't really care to go during the the hottest part of one the days I get to enjoy the solitude of my apartment in the relative quiet and calm of an otherwise busy and loud corner of my city.

what brought this bitch on is the folks I find myself connected to on social media.  used to be, my fakebook feed was populated by people I knew and hung out with on a regular basis, or met during my travels.  or at least folks I was acquainted with through shared interests or academic connections.  but due to the rising antisemitism in the world, or perhaps the antisemitism that's always been lingering just beneath the surface of all my relationships, that online circle got much, much, smaller very quickly after October 7th, 2023.  so I tried to repopulate my feed with 'connections'...people who seemed cool in my other friends feeds, folks who left comments that made me laugh, or in some cases, people who reshared my posts without even knowing who I was.  problem with that is, we don't really have anything in common other than our Jewishness, and a shared love for Israel.  not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I seem to have ended up with a feed full of people whining about their disabilities, and where they are in their transitions, and I'm kind of over it.  uh oh...did I say that out loud?  well, I'm sorry, but it's true.  I am honest to god missing cis/het people in my life who have jobs that they go to on a regular basis, and simply vent about their issues and move on, not make it their whole story all the damn time.

there are people I've been connected to on there for years that have played the part of being my friend, with no actual commitment to the role, or follow-through on their part.  I did recently meet up with a few folks I met on there, and it was lovely - those folks I have no issue with.  there's one person who did invite me around, and I believe they meant it.  but then I had (yet another) bad day that I bitched about, and this one particular person sent me a message in an attempt to connect, which was kind of them, but they were someone I had been considering disconnecting from because their posts were not anything I found interesting, and didn't necessarily want to be confronted with constantly in my feed.  dude wants to be female?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  chick wants to be a man?  go for it.  I don't need pictures.  I'm willing to accept people for who they are, whoever they tell me that is, but enough already.  at this point I'd prefer to connect with cis/het people like myself, and not have to hear about every damn flavor of human out there.  just be who you are, boo, and stop shoving it down my throat.  I mean, I'm not out here posting about being cis/het every damn day of my life - it's just not all that important.  

and I don't want to hear about how your anxiety is preventing you from getting a damn job, and forces you to live off of your generous family members.  pull up your panties and do something other than be a parasite.  if I can do it, so can lots of other people who are leaning too hard into their 'disabilities'.  or that you did sex work that you hated to earn a living once upon a time.  guess what?  I didn't like working at the video store, or the overnight shift at the 24 hour store, or as a janitor, but I Had To Pay My Rent, so I did the damn thing until I found something better, and it wasn't a husband/wife that paid all my bills for me so I could sit around and write poetry about the angle of the light hitting my designer furniture.  where's the accountability?  there are people in the homeless shelters I worked in trying harder than that, with less education and opportunity, and doing ok for themselves.  I knew a woman who had her hand chopped off and sewed back on who worked her ass off at every opportunity to keep herself off the streets.  respect, girlfriend.  it was tough out there for her.  it was tough out there for me too, with both my hands, and I've been out there enough to know I don't want to be out there again.  I guess some people haven't had to live on the streets for long enough to learn that lesson...or at all.  lucky them.

this isn't a rant about ALL disabled people, or gay or trans people, or single parents, or what have you.  it's about people who I've interacted with enough to know that I don't have an awful lot of respect for the ways they appear to be living in the world, and that's my prerogative.  I don't have to like everyone, I don't even have to like every Jewish person, or even every Israeli, but I do have to like myself, and in order to do that, I have to be honest about who I want to connect with, and how.  if you don't want to be my friend after reading this, then so be it.  is it my loss?  maybe.  depends on who doesn't want to be friends anymore after reading it.  there are plenty of gay people I love and respect.  there are plenty of folks with disabilities that I admire - some I've even worked with.  I'll bet there are trans people out there that I could get along with, too.  some cis/het people suck (lots of them do).  I'm just in a place where I need more women who understand the particular issues of having been women our whole lives.  or men who are feminists while still being manly men who aren't misogynist pieces of garbage.  folks who know what an endocrine disruptor is, and did their best to avoid them, along with other environmental dangers.

it is part of my soul's purpose here to make sure each and every one of us on this planet together is cared for, and gets everything they need, to the extent of my abilities, and I'm aware that in this 'window' of setting intentions, it is important to choose my focus wisely.  as we enter the 'wormhole' of eclipse season, we should expect chaos and transformation - and the ability to get back up from whatever happens to knock us down.  so maybe this is just my way of clearing the decks so I can tap into the hope and optimism I want so badly to connect with in the world that is also on offer just now.  while we may be headed into a complex maze of rising emotions, we are also being given an opportunity for healing, integration, and repair.  an astrologer whose work I admire speaks of planting seeds with faith, which is something I love to do, and do often.  the one picture I'm sharing in this post is of my latest sprouts, which are from a seed pod I picked up off the sidewalk, and planted, with only the vaguest idea of what they are (I think they're the seeds of the trees that made the gorgeous flowers whose petals would stop me in my tracks with a desire to paint their likeness, even though I'm not a painter).  alpha and omega, my friends.  selah ~

 

not a great picture - there appear to be seven little sprouts poking their heads through the soil, and I wish them the best of luck.  I will replant them as soon as I have more containers for them.

💙

lessons

and in those moments, when the plan becomes clear

shoulders release and neck rolls

down your spine to

shimmy your hips

in the garden

"bro, 

let's build a house 

on the parents' farm.  

for our generations."

lesson.

 

to be fair, I got to smoke some weed the other day, for the first time since smoking the last hit in my stash from Vermont.  lit the bat as soon as the exit appeared on the road to the airport, and put it in my purse where it's been since then.  I know the airport security dog was looking at me and it definitely made me nervous, but I was looking back at her, and she didn't seem concerned enough about me to alert her humans who were having what I assumed to be their regular morning work chat.  so I basically went 'cold turkey' for the past 3 1/2 months from being a chronic smoker most of my adult life to no attitude adjustment at all.  how about that?  

 

 

honestly it seemed like a good idea to have my head on as straight as possible while trying to immigrate to another country, and I'm glad I have, but MAN.  I've had some tense moments.  enough that I've considered buying some alcohol just to have enough to drink with my dinner to loosen up a little.  I guess I still - and will always - prefer weed over alcohol, since that summer of...1985?

when I smell herb on the streets I'll look around to see if I can catch a vibe off of whoever's smoking it, if I can even find them on the sidewalk, or sitting at a table as I'm walking past.  obviously by my writing it, that hadn't happened yet.  I had the opportunity to hop on a bus tour for 15nis ($4 and change), so I went.  we were stopped to patronize the local breakfast joint when I smelled that particular perfume on my way back to the bus, so I walked over and asked the folks if I could hit what they were smoking, and they gave me the tail end of their joint.  hoo-rah.

 

 

and my lift arrived, and my staffs - wrapped in my tapestries - were missing, and I was losing my mind so I called the international shippers and lost my mind on them, then called the Vermont shippers and left them a piece of whatever might have been left.  and to both of their credit, my missing pieces was located quickly, and plans are being made on how to get them to me as soon as possible.  I am incredibly pleased to have the emotional hug of seeing my treasured belongings on this side of the sea, with a special nod to those that came from here, embodied within them the energies of those I hold dear.  really, the missing package was no big deal, even though it was my whole heart, and I didn't need to yell at them.  I could have asked nicely, and the outcome would have been the same.  lesson.

 

 

 

then I couldn't find my loom which I had been concerned about since before leaving the States.  I told myself I would find it when I opened the box again in Israel, but when I opened the box and searched it, the loom was not there.  luckily, in thinking about where else I might have put it, it was found.  yay!  lesson.

a person on the tourist trip reminded me that we have more power to 'choose our own adventure' than we realize.  and I realize that everything is going to be ok, and I am going to make my way and fulfill my purpose here.  everything I've done and experienced up until this moment has led me here.  To The Promised Land, lol!  trust the process.  I have some more healing to do.  lesson ~

I'm so proud of me.

☆  ★ ☀ ✨🌕✨ ☀ ★  ☆