Sunday, May 17, 2009

OMG!!! Soo confusing...and, on being a fatass.

Jeez, this thing keeps changing on me, and I'm not sure I'm keeping up...Why is it doing that? Why must it mock me in my ineptidude? I'm too fragile to be outsmarted by something I could solder together least, I think I could...I soldered together that radio in 1979, the one I got for Hannukah.

So, I'm here, I should say something, right? Lessee...I'M TOO FAT! Whiny bitch, I know, but let's explore - I went out and bought a bathroom scale, why? Because I felt like torturing myself, I guess. Because New Guy will (hopefully) be 'here' in the Fall, and I want to lose some weight before he sees me and is disgusted by the incredible growth of my girth since last we met 15 years or so ago...and, it's unhealthy.

In high school, I was too skinny, weighing in at a mere 104 lbs. when I graduated. At college, the 'freshman 15' actually filled me out, and put a few curves into my figure. I stopped keeping track after that, because I was healthy enough in body, mind and spirit to not care. Guess I should have cared...I don't remember any specific weight in terms of numbers, after that, but I knew I was gaining as I grew out of my clothes. I remained active by going out dancing, taking the bellydance, Tae Kwon Do, and yoga classes I always had. The major change must have been my diet, because I remember countless nights of dinner at the evil giant eMpire my boyfriend favored (god, it's so hard to believe I ever actually ate that stuff!). I remember losing 20 lbs. after we broke up with no effort at all...boy was HE sorry! I must have been 130-140 at that time.

When I got pregnant, in 2003 at age 35, I weighed in at 166 lbs.. I put on a healthy amount of weight for a normal person, but probably a bit too much for a potential fatass like myself. When I was ready to give birth, I weighed in at 197 lbs.! I couldn't believe it - I was so glad I was about to jettison the child, and the fluids he had been swimming in, before I had ballooned up to 200! I had narrowly avoided my worst nightmare by only 3 lbs.! Keep in mind, I am only 5'2"...

I can't even believe I'm sharing this horrendous information on the relative density of my spare tire(s), but here we are, and I'm gonna go for it - I know you won't judge. So, I bring the newly purchased scale into my bathroom, lay it on the floor, step on it, and have a near-death experience as I read the number on the dial. I knew I was getting pretty big, but this was a shock - a BIG shock! Are you ready? I'm not sure I am, but here goes...230 lbs.! 230! Can you belive it?! I can't...the little girl who swore she'd never break 100, is 230 lbs.! That's 33 lbs. more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant! Not to mention, I lost all the baby weight and more, thanks to the magic of breastfeeding - and here it all was, back on, plus 33 more! WTF?!

So I'm officially a fatass. I don't know what to think about that, really. I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm sexy, and funny, and smart, and all kinds of other cool things, but I'm FAT! I don't want to be fat anymore. More importantly, I want to be a better example of a healthy individual for my son. I buy organic, or locally grown food (I work on a farm, for god's sake!), and I make sure to feed my child fruits, vegetables and whole grains, but I never eat breakfast or lunch, snack on crap all day at work, and after my son goes to bed, I chow down every sweet thing I can get my hands on because I am missing companionship in my life. So there it is. The truth. Laid out for all who care to see. And I no longer exercise. How's that for a coup? I have been given this wonderful gift, and I treat it like less-than-shit. Just who the hell do I think I am?

So. Time to get healthy? Yes. I have all the tools necessary to embark on this noble quest, and yet, I still find that I lack motivation. Can you believe it? With all that evidence staring back at me from the mirror, I STILL have not managed to change even ONE THING about how I treat myself! I suck. I worse than suck! But beating myself up for being a lazy fatass won't get me anywhere either, so what do I do? Post it on my blog, and see if THAT manages to motivate me? Worth a shot...


  1. Far be it from me to question a woman complaining about her weight..BUT..if you say you beautiful, sexy, funny, smart and other wonderful things then where is the problem?
    No one is going to look the way they looked 15 years ago. I was more. That skiny dude with the thick hair..gone. I`m around 200-205 with much. much less hair. I`m going on 42 this month. WOuld rather be in better physical shape as I am single and would like to attract the opposite sex. However, I am confident in who I am. Take me or leave me, what you see is what you get.
    If this guy cares about you then your weight should not be a deal breaker. Do it for YOU. Not for some guy. DO it because YOu want to lose it for YOUR own health and self esteem. Not for some guy. In my ever, so humble, opinion.

  2. Well, it started with the guy, but ended up there, for me. And note - you weigh LESS than I do, and if I remember correctly, are quite a bit taller! I want to be a good role model for the boy, too - teach him proper habits now, so he doesn't end up unhealthy later!

  3. Hey, you didn't tell me you were blogging! I followed a link in my stats and found your blog, with mine linked. Fancy that.

    I so hear you on the weight. I ballooned up to numbers that scared the crap out of me (sorry, I can't bring myself to go public with them) and decided that with 40 roaring up from around the next bend it was high time I got serious about myself and took back control. I've lost 14 pounds so far but still have a LONG way to go. I'm still 19 pounds over where I was when I got pg with Maya, which was 10 pounds over where I was when I got pg with Itai, which was still 10 or 15 pounds over where I should have been.

    I'm really working my ass off though - much better eating habits, sick amounts of exercise, the works, and it's finally starting to pay off. I'm still far from thin but I'm starting to feel a whole lot better - both physically and emotionally, and I finally feel like I CAN do this after years of letting myself go. Hell, I even just bought myself a really good elliptical trainer as an early 40th birthday present and I'm actually excited to get it. (Dear god, what has happened to me?)

    Well, there's nothing as tiring as a fanatic so I'll stop ranting now. You know where I am if you want encouragement or someone to give you a good, swift kick in the ass. And if not, not. It's all good.

    Off to go link to your blog now.


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