Dreams: 9.6.19

dreamed I was at an event, not sure what, but we were dressed nicely.  met an old friend there, who insisted I pop into the event They were attending where my first serious boyfriend was, with the rest of their crew (S, D, B, M).  was D who found me, was happy to see B & S.  M barely registered.  I snuck around the edges, looking at S, while D told him he had found me, and brought me.  I decided I was too nervous/ugly/fat, and tried to sneak back out - I recognized several members of S and D's families, and didn't want to be seen by them (like they'd even remember me).  but the guys saw me trying to sneak away, and cajoled me into coming over to where S was trying to play it cool, because he was horrified by being put on the spot, too.  looking down he asked why I tried to sneak away, didn't I want to see him?  well, he was married with kids and all that, so I shouldn't really be here at all, and it had been so very long...  no, the kids were grown, he was divorced...that's why he was ashamed?  well, I'm single, have a teen, here he is, I think I should go.  no wait...  we're standing so close together, almost whispering in each other's ears.  our lips are so near, if we just turn our heads...  our lips touch.  it's too much already and I pull away, say I have to go.  he asks me to wait, to come with him after the event, to a more casual venue where we can be easy with each other, just wait for him for about an hour, will I?  I guess...I fill my pockets with incense/matches/chocolates/what-have-you from his event - hurry though, I'm going to say my goodbyes to my crew, and be outside with the kid.  I won't wait too long, but I will wait for a bit.  people begin their slow strolls towards their cars from both events, and I find myself wandering around the parking area, watching the goodbyes.  D's kid punches mine in the stomach, then sits in the back of a car pouring boiling water over his bare feet.  I walk down a grassy bank and ford a stream to get to...some other part of the grass, maybe hug someone, maybe just keep wandering alone.  the feelings behind that one kiss keeping me there, wondering why, but waiting nonetheless.

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SO much to dig into, here...to dream of being at a fancy party with old friends suggests I need to get out more and enjoy myself!  or that I'm putting up a facade and hiding parts of my true self, diverting attention to unimportant things.  in a place of togetherness, a celebratory venue, thus a positive experience of reconnecting with a part of myself that I have lost touch with.  it's time to pick up that old hobby, or put a long hidden talent to use.  that the invitation comes from a friend of an ex-boyfriend indicates an aspect of my own self that I'm still getting to know.  it invites me to incorporate certain characteristics into myself, like feeling comfortable with people, a desire to feel accepted, and possibly even attractive.

so the ex-boyfriend...it was my first ex-boyfriend.  I want to have that kind of love affair, again.  to recapture the excitement of a freer, less-encumbered time when nothing interferes with the spontaneity of romance or freedom in the vitality of youth.  also about missing being in a relationship and wanting to feel wanted.  the desire for a learning relationship, some of that next level kind of stuff I've been talking about, yet not feeling great about connecting with it in a larger circle.  there is an overall air of self-doubt and insecurity.

he was also old and fat, and full of uncertainty, but we were/I was looking back on the good old days of first love, most likely triggered by the major shift in my life re:  forced relocation due to eminent domain.  dreams like that always leave me wanting more - sex with a side of love, deeply fulfilling connections that haunt me for days.  but I'm asked to wait - which means I have a secret I should tell, but I do wait, patiently, because I know things will happen at their own pace, and amid the anticipatory uneasiness, I'm letting him take the lead.

taking all the treats on the way out - incense/matches/chocolate - speaks to rekindling a high level of awareness, though an overindulgence in excesses suggests it's time to practice some restraint.  feeling undeserving of what I have, and am afraid of losing it...overstepping boundaries.  feeling deprived and needy, with unrealized and unfulfilled goals.  in saying my goodbyes I'm letting go of my worries, and moving on to a new phase in my life.

outside, I am free, and feel open to opportunities.  I can spread out, enjoy being more expressive, and stop closing myself off.  know things are worth the wait, and slow down!  the parking lot suggests taking a break on my path, and not moving for the moment...that I should take some time away from daily activities.  my sense of morality and character are in a bit of a conflict, so it's time to turn efforts and energies elsewhere.  stop and enjoy life.

watching my kid get punched could indicate a longing for the past, or an attempt to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes - that my inner child is lacking a voice, is repressed, or that a part of my own childhood is lost.  there is something I need to see grow, and nurtured, and there is a desire to feel needed and significant.  there could also be some latent talent or hidden knowledge that I have failed to recognize.  *the pouring boiling water over the feet is something I 'kind-of' do - not boiling, but a bit hotter than I can actually stand it, because it sometimes relieves the pain of my eczema/psoriasis/whatever the hell the itchy patches I sometime get are...but does it relieve the pain?  or simply make a different kind of pain to distract from the original pain?  I see it as a form of self-harm, personally, and in the dream, it seems to indicate a need to punish myself for doing things I know are wrong, whatever they may be (punching another kid when I was a kid?  purposely injuring my own inner child?  purposely hurting my adult self?)*.  the car being parked points to stagnancy, and that the kid is in the back seat means a lost drive, and that others are making the decisions - I'm not even in the car!  it could mean that I'm wasting my time with a fruitless endeavor, and need to find some of the aforementioned joy.

walking down a grassy hill to cross a stream speaks to my easy path through life, and my slow yet steady progress towards my goals.  while I may have made a wrong decision or gone in the wrong direction and faced setbacks that resulted in repressed thoughts, even though things haven't 'gone my way', there's a part of me I can always rely on to protect myself because I know the grass is the same color green on all sides.  I still manage to patiently find my way to the Universal Unconscious where a fresh flow of ideas and emotions indicate a positive bridging of the different aspects my emotions.  even though the loving parts of my nature may need some TLC in order to heal emotionally, I still lack the motivation to point myself in that direction due to the lack of understanding that usually leaves me feeling rejected.  so I suffer with self-doubt and uncertainty, but it leads me to higher knowledge and a certain spiritual enlightenment.  in knowing that what I'm seeking is worth the time it takes to find, and that hassling over the anxiety and unease surrounding decisions of power and control in relationships won't help me along, I need to remain calm, and centered.