did I run into 'ex-boyfriend #3' at some fancy hotel place? or did my friends orchestrate it? but there he was, and it was freaking me out. it made me so insecure, but also curious. he tailed us for awhile, made sure I saw him, but didn't approach. I went back to my room or wherever, and got a call to come down, or went to meet my friends...I don't know, but he was interested. too interested. why? what did he want? he was cool and calm about my apprehension, pursued me across what felt like days. it was his place...I couldn't get away, because he kept offering more and more for free. some jewels, a hair stick, whatever I wanted. I agreed to meet him. we talked, I asked after his mom (he/they were obviously on my mind because of that last post). was there a reason he was called away? did I get a chance to see him acting in some fashion that made me see him for who he was? it wasn't Me he was after, just some unfinished creeper business (last night's conversation with a friend about past relationships). I ran up a staircase hung with metal items that caught at me, up to a big window that showed the dark night outside, and the gentle rain. I ran. I ran to edge of wherever I was, to a grassy field, with some fancy green writer's retreat type cabins (stopping in at our 'old place' yesterday) next to it, and I realized he owned it all - that something about that field made me realize his plan, and my place in it. that I was going to go into one of them, and write a book.
someone or something in my current life is bringing up feelings similar to the ones I felt in that relationship - a freer and less encumbered time where the responsibilities of adulthood did not interfere with the spontaneity of romance - but I've moved on, and it's time to have new relationships. there are neglected aspects of my personality that need attention in order to resolve myself towards moving on. instead of putting up a facade/hiding my true self/trying to divert attention to unimportant things, there is a new state of mind or shift in personal identity - a transition, a moving away from old habits, and old ways of thinking. aspects of my personality that I have rejected are ready to incorporate and acknowledge some positive news. also shows unhappiness with the amount of friends that I have right now, as I want to feel accepted by others, though I'm not necessarily comfortable with that situation because I need to get to know people before I trust them. in refusing to acknowledge a certain viewpoint or idea, or someone trying to make me conform to their ideals (a particular aspect of me, or a relationship), I'm feeling somewhere between satisfied and repressed. bringing myself closer to the feminine, or opportunities I may have. messages from my subconscious, or telepathy about confronting issues I've been avoiding, indicates the difficulty I'm having with communication, and relationships with others. I'm also rewarding and recognizing my giving and generous nature, which I hold in high esteem. I know my value, and I'm proud of myself, and in knowing my self-worth and good traits (in terms of status, personal value, knowledge, identity, and qualities I hold precious), I need to acknowledge the importance of spiritual and psychological riches, and incorporate those corresponding qualities. in bringing awareness to hierarchy, authority, and charm in my life, as well as clues to relationships and status, I also bring a refusal to be tied by the neck, or have a self-inflated ego. I am open to new ideas, and always ready to show a new me - I am loyal, vital, devoted, and manage to overcome negative feelings. I treasure my attributes and values, as I have high expectations. the way I find resolution to a conflict or problem shows my subconscious working in accordance with my consciousness, which is suggesting that I should redirect myself towards more productive endeavors, and that I need to further accept and incorporate various aspects of Self. my fear of abandonment, added to the feeling of not measuring up to expectations, are factors in my long-term trust and/or self-esteem issues.
I'm leaving behind what is hindering my growth - unresolved childhood issues, feelings of neglect/being overlooked, and a need for more support and security. there is more inner-child work to be done. there are issues I'm trying to avoid, or actions I'm not taking or accepting responsibility for - such as facing or confronting my fears. I could also be showing determination in going after what I want. there is evidence to suggest I am emerging from a negative or depressed situation (a higher level of understanding, rational thinking and objectivity, holding myself in high regard). there is change and transformation. I am achieving the higher levels; making spiritual, emotional, and material progress. my strength and character lead me through the inhumane sides of society, which also suggest a healthy libido and sexual desire. I feel let out of a stuck situation, and though I am still somewhat blocked or trapped in my perception or vitality, I remain open to new experiences. my point of view/outlook on life/consciousness (my intuition and awareness) find me reflecting on a decision about something that frightens me (the unknown), or that I'm not ready to face, as I appear unclear on how to move forward. while I may suffer major setbacks and obstacles, death begets rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings. the mysterious and dark unconscious...a yearly crisis that requires deep and painful sacrifice before enlightenment. more calling out for integration. renewal, devotion, love, and rebirth balanced by depression, sadness, built up emotion. forgiveness and grace is what's needed - tears crying sadness/vs./fertility and renewal. spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to my awareness (fortune and love). there is a need to 'hurry up and act', even though I'm anxious about the situation at hand - time is running out. it's possible an achievement or goal has been reached; that bad times are ending, and something new is beginning (great abundance, freedom and happiness, a period of personal growth). though there's a part of myself I can always rely on for natural protection, I tend to look at what others have (grass in greener) through the lens of envy and lust. on the one hand, I'm reading symbols of positive change, such as good health, growth, vitality, healing, hope, fertility, vigor, peace, serenity, a big "go" sign, environmental consciousness, money, wealth, and a striving to gain recognition and establish my independence. on the other hand, I am also inexperienced and can similarly read less positive symbols such as jealousy, materialism, deceit, difficulty sharing, and a need to balance my male/female energies. there is a desire for a simple home/life/situation. in terms of my own soul/self, I seem concerned with outward appearances, though in entering a new phase with more emotional maturity, I'm also dealing with feelings of rejection/insecurity/being left behind. I am driven by a need to express thoughts, free association, bringing the unconscious to the surface (communicating with others or my own conscious mind), or refers to an error in judgement or mistake that that I've made. I may need to learn something new (what I need to examine), which may represent my calling to a specific field of work, or an area that I need to devote more study to.
and more of the same last night - not an ex-boyfriend, but some nebulous man-character. perhaps a hook-up, perhaps the boy, even? dismissing me, after having a night or so of fun. college environment, so it was in front of others where I was being dismissed and embarrassed, belittled and hurt. packing a backpack for a camping trip, while dude made it abundantly clear we were done (recent loss of people I had thought of as friends).
these dreams are about moving on, and about meeting the kinds of people who are already aligned with the consciousness I have developed over the years through a deep knowing of Who I Am, and What I Am Worth - which comes from my connection to a deep spirituality, and commitment to doing the serious and important (and sometimes painful) work of growing into higher and higher consciousness. I have always been inspired by those around me, and at the moment, I don't have enough (or the right) people in my life to inspire me towards my goals. I'm picky about who I allow near, because of deep childhood wounds, but I keep moving forward all the same, learning and growing. some aspects of being a parent have brought up old wounds, and in being able to look at them, and speak (or write) about them, helps me heal from them, and move more gracefully into the life I want. there is more work to be done (always), as I'm out here doing it on my own, unsupported...especially during this time of the year. this constant renewal, and a recognition that my son will be looking to move away from me soon, makes me anxious for the decisions we will both need to be making in the near future, but I can and should be confident in my ability to make them for myself, and help him with his, even though I feel I've failed myself in the same situations in the past. I often feel as if I had just played by society's rules and found a partner to hitch my wagon to, I'd have the security of the homes and relationships that I constantly witness from the outside, that look as if they would have given me a solid platform from which to succeed. I'm also smart enough to know that I can reach a modest level of success without compromising my values and ideals, and that I can, and will, always continue to learn what it is I need in order to achieve what I desire.