Why Can't You Behave?

That's the title of the Ella Fitzgerald song playing on my Pandora Radio station just now...Been staring at this screen for a few days now, thinking, "write, write!" but I've nothing to say...Careful, I may actually convince myself of that! The mind decides...

Boys. The small boy at home, the BF, all of the boys in the world. Men? Not a one. Why? Again, the mind decides...

The boss wanted to have a talk with me about stuff. Not quite sure what was said. She asked me to stop yelling at her boyfriend's dog. I should at least do that for her, but I still hate her boyfriend. HATE him! Can't stand him! I hated him before she started dating him, so, whatever that has to do with anything, I can't say, but I'm not gonna start liking him for her.

What's really been bugging me is, she said I act differently when she's there, then I do when she's not there. I thought that was strange. I asked who said it, and she said, "more people than you would think." Huh? What does that mean? It wouldn't occur to me that anyone would think that, so...one person said it? That's beside the point. The point is, I told her on Thursday that I was planning on going back to college, and on Friday she had a bunch of criticism for me. I know how she goes. She's so sensetive, emotionally, she takes it personally. So I guess maybe I shouldn't. But I hate being evaluated - she's said herself that being in retail is like being on stage, and some days, my performance is flat. Isn't it that way for all of us? I don't 'kill' every day, how can I ? I don't always FEEL good. I don't look good, I didn't have anything good to eat for a few days, it's a cold rainy day...Blah! Sometimes we're all just blah. Should I call in Blah? Oh, it'll all be o.k., change happens slowly, there will be great fortune.

The kid is funny. He 'kills' every day. His latest is: "Mom, I told Kaitlyn that 100 + 100 is 200, and she tried to kiss me." Me: "Wow, she must really like math." Z: "Yeah." So cute. Just a growing boy. No joy like a growing boy. Joy, and "get the hell out of my room and don't come back 'till noon...

BF is, as always, an annoying pain in the ass, but I guess he's MY annoying pain in the ass until we manage to find ourselves decent partners.

I suppose I'm looking to work WITH people, more than for them. And I want to be using my skills to further a project that is mutually beneficial to all humans.

Truth in Advertising

Well, I gotta tell ya, the gardening fairy was not my friend this year...to be fair, we had a poor growing season, but that's no excuse for what happened here! The above image is a doomed pumpkin vine, which gave me lovely blooms (image below), but not one pumpkin! The squirrels and rabbits ate well in THIS yard, this season...

Also pictured with my lovely pumpkin blossom are my 'dwarf' carrots - they grew about 1, 1 1/2 inches long. Weird. Just little runt carrots. *shrug* As BF pointed out, they probably would have been good in a salad; but I was impatient and pissed off, so all the failed veggies went to compost. Lotsa rain this Summer...

Our peppers just never grew. They reached their height and got frozen in time -

And, the infamous strawberry plant that got raided by critters, and yielded me not one fruit!

random moments

*I wrote this weeks ago, already, and I was debating whether or not to post it. I'm still not sure, but I'm going to go for it, and see what happens...


It's time for this, though I don't know what 'this' is... I called in 'needing a cocktail' to work today, I guess that was honest of me. It's 10 am, and I'm getting ready to have it. Never mind that I've been stoned since 7.

We haven't had a decent meal in days, snacking on whatever's laying on the counter; challah, chips, pb&j, crackers, fruitabu, and cookies. So instead of going to work, I thought I'd get stoned, have a drink, and try to fix the life the child doesn't know is broken, yet.

I live too close to the edge for parenting, or child-rearing. Things just look too dangerous sometimes. It doesn't seem safe. But the problem is more that I have turned dull, given up, gone soft. I'm too tired all the time - my body hurts, I'm fat, I'm broke. I'm lucky that I work at a farm market, and I can call in needing a cocktail, but do you know, there is not one apple in my house? I can't even tell you the last time I ate an apple. Or any other fruit, for that matter. Lame. Super-lame! I need to change my relationship with food, and fast.

I love my job, I do. If you have to be a wage-slave, at least you can slave at something worthwhile, which is why I am happy to do what I do. And to be sure, I am more than 'just a cashier' which is the passive-aggressive phrase I've been muttering under my breath for a week or two now, but I need something more. Is it philosophical neurosis? A mid-life crisis? I hope not the crisis, because I was planning on making it to 100, so I've got another decade on that one, according to my own clock... I feel like I'm letting time go by. Like I'm a spectator, checking down the items of a list. I want my time back, to do what I see fit with it - to create something because it is necessary. I want time back to explore, to seek out new options, to rekindle a spark, to initiate a journey, freedom. There are needs that be.

Where is the Supernanny? I need a personal assistant to help me hang my to do's on the wall, work off a list until I grow the habit...re-learn what it's like to face the world ready. If A and B get done, C will fall into place and than D will come along. It's a perfect plan. When and how to start? Where to begin? In the old days, it would be to take a hot shower and go to bed, because it meant the acid was wearing off. Smoke more pot, have that Hard Lemonade. Take a shower, and pick up the BF - we'll talk about running off to Tahiti, writing a novel, winning the lottery. Pell grants make college look like an actual option.

Summer Stock - The Last

Well, nothing says Summer's over like the first day of school! Here's my shot of the boy getting off the bus after his first day of Kindergarten - I didn't get a shot of him getting on the bus, I was too busy making sure he got on o.k., and holding back all my crazy mama feelings! I was bracing for the worst - clinging to my leg, screaming, crying, a big scene - but he climbed right up those steps, said, "Bye Mom!" and he was gone. I got a little choked up (I'm not an emotional chick) but that was a bit of a shock! I was proud and scared and happy and sad, and I wanted to sit right there and just wait for him to come home rather than go to work, but I got through it o.k.. At least now, I actually get to work on time, and I'm saving lots of money not paying for daycare anymore, or driving to and from daycare to drop off and pick up every morning and every afternoon! He gets on the bus, and I walk up the street to work! In the afternoon, he gets dropped off at the Orchard, and we walk home together. Bonus!

I haven't checked in in awhile as it's busy season at the Orchard, and I come home so tired that all I want to do is go straight to bed, but obviously, we have to do the homework and dinner routine, bathtime, and set up for the morning so we can get out on time. I'm getting used to the routine, and in some ways, things seem a bit easier, more defined. Maybe I'm finally getting the hang of this Mommy thing after all...although, as of now, we have no after-school commitments, but that will change as I may decide to sign us up for a martial arts class twice a week. I think it's important to keep the kid active, and I trained for years back in the day, and I think it may be just what I need to get my lovely round behind back into shape! See, I'm not a saggy fat chick, I'm a curvy, solid fat chick (thank god!), but I really need a lot more energy to keep me going. We eat well, but I get no exercise other than running back and forth through the store all day, or lifting heavy things (50 lb. bags of potatoes and onions, gallons of cider, crates of apples, etc.).

I had lots of things on the 'to do' list this weekend, but I spent most of it in bed watching movies, recovering from a super busy 14+ day run - I've been flat out since the end of August, with work and school, and weekend commitments, places to be and things to do every day after work, and I'm just beat. I found homes for the mama cat and three of the four kittens, and I'll miss them, but I'm also happy to be reclaiming my house! It was nice to have them, but I'm looking forward to having just the one to deal with, and to mop my floors! They do make kind of a mess, cute as they are. We'll be keeping the first-born, Mr. Spats Gatsby, as we've been calling him, a little black kitty with white feet and white tuxedo-like markings on his neck and belly. I'll post some pics as I get to it...Mama cat, Kaia, went back to the BF where she originally came from, and she seems a bit depressed, but I'm hoping she'll cheer up soon enough. One little kitty went to a customer of mine at the orchard, and one went to my boss's sister. So I know they're in good hands, and that finding a home for #3 (as we've been calling her) won't be too far away!

So, there's the run-down. Work is balls to the wall, the boy is doing great (if a bit bored, he's so smart) in Kindergarten, the BF is always the same (not even trying to find work, spending every dollar that comes into his hands on beer and cigarettes), and not a guy to date in sight! I opened a few more boxes, put a few more things on shelves or hung them from the ceiling, and I'm looking forward to being totally unpacked sometime this month. Next home improvement project is to paint the kitchen, and then the place will feel clean. Really truly clean, like bust out the sage, and call it mine, finally. Things are settling into place - my greatest fear realized. But hey, I'm sure I'll find some kind of chaos or other to play with once everything is where I need it to be, I promise! 'Till next time - may all your endeavors be fruitful!

Summer Stock #11

Very short (and late) post this week, just wanted to say, "Look what I built!" I ordered this loft online, unfinished, back in April, and it has been lying around on my living room floor in various incarnations since then...

From shipping boxes, to raw wood, to half-stained, to one coat on everything, to a second coat on half of it, to two full coats on ALL pieces (yes, each piece needed to be stained individually, and there are more pieces than you can see...). Then I emptied the boy's room, put two coats of paint on, and FINALLY assembled the damn thing yesterday (Sunday, August 9).

Many thanks to my BF, who helped IMMENSELY with this project by helping me stain when he could, when he had a free day, and came over to work on it while I was at work - also for helping get the room painted, and with the finally assembly. I COULD have done it without him, but I'm glad I didn't have to!

Luckily, the boy was visiting with Grandma yesterday, so he was not underfoot during the final process! I'm pretty excited to see his reaction when he gets home this afternoon! He helped me empty his room out, so it won't be a total shock, and when I called to say goodnight to him, I told him it was done. Still, I think it will be quite a surprise...and we still have to set the rest of his stuff back up (toys, bookshelves, dresser). As of now, it's an empty room with a loft in it!

And, just because, here's a picture of one of our early apple varieties over at the Orchard - Summer Macs! Yum! Mr. Soons claims to be the first person in NY state to grow these, back in the 1960's - I'm going to believe him!

Summer Stock #10

Welcome to Soons Orchards - open for its 99th season! It took some blood, a LOT of sweat, and maybe a tear or two to get everything ready for the opening this year, but I got it done - even when my employer popped in (after most of the summer here or there) 3 days 'till opening wanting to rearrange and paint all the furniture! I sucked it up, and made it happen. And nobody even said 'thank you'. No 'job well done' or a pat on the back. No glasses of champagne and toasts to a profitable season. Just business as usual - which is to say, disgruntled employees bitching on day one that they don't want to be here, that they need full-time, year-round employment.

And I'm thinking, "then why did you even bother punching in? Why don't you take your bad attitude right back out the door, and leave me to do my job in peace?" The image to the right is the pretty-as-a-picture little nook just to the left of the front door where I come in every morning. This is one of the reasons I consider myself so lucky to be working where I do, as I water and deadhead the flowers so those that choose to take a little break on our bench have a nice place to reflect for a moment before stepping out of our time-warped farm market back into the hustle and bustle of daily life. Could you walk past this happy little scene, and then choose to have a bad day? Talk about stopping to smell the flowers...

This is just a fun juxtaposition between the Farmer's Choice order (right) having come in on time, and the Webster's order (above) having not! Looks good, huh? The Webster's actually came in on Thursday, the day before our 'soft' opening, so the hutch was actually full on opening day (whew!). Kinda makes you want some jam, doesn't it? Doesn't it? I think it does...! Comes in damn near every variety I can think of, and a few I couldn't have made up...

Finally, we have Slingerland's honey, which is significant, because this is the honey made by the bees that are 'rented' to fertilize our Orchards, who live just up the road from us! We sell a lot of Slingerland honey during the allergy season - some of our customers swear by it! I don't have allergies, so I wouldn't know, but I do know that the local-est honey you can get is what is best to take for allergies, and it doesn't get any local-er than this! The Slingerland's have been selling their honey at the Orchard for just about 60 years, as far as he and Mr. Soons can recall, and I'm willing to bet they're right about that - they were both just teen aged farm-boys back then, and I have to say, it makes me glad in my heart to hear those two get going about 'the old days'. If there were ever a reason to go to work in the morning, for me, it is the possibility of hearing cool stories about simpler times from the sort of people who take the effort to make sure those ways don't die out completely by following in the long-standing traditions of producing a quality product with integrity and expertise. I, for one, see no need to look any further for the sort of work one can feel good about doing, and people one can be proud to say they know. My job may be hard, sometimes, but I am thankful that I have found it. I will not get rich doing this work, but I will make an honest living, and the lessons my son will learn on the farm will be invaluable in the world that he will find himself growing up in. Please support your local farms and farmers - they are our past, and also our future! I don't want to even TRY to imagine my world without them!

Summer Stock #9...#9...#9...

Sorry, I don't really care for The Beatles all that much, really (although I can appreciate their place in the history of 20th century music, and I HAVE been known to tap my toes or sing along...), but I couldn't resist! Anyway, it's been a busy week, so let me start out by saying KITTENS!!! Here's a little miracle that took place in my house on Thursday - Kaia, the sort-of homeless kitty (who was pregnant) showed up at my door Tuesday night, soaked from the rain, hurt from a fight, and looking pretty ready to pop, so I took her in, fed her, and made a nice place for her to relax and give birth. Which she did. Not in the nice little spot I made for her, though, in my bed! Eeew, I know, but I went straight to the laundromat when she was done, and my blanket is fine! So it looks like I'll be caring for her (and her babies) for the next 8 weeks or so...Anyone want a kitten? They are awfully darn cute!

So, that's been pretty fun and exciting on a daily basis, not to mention that my son is in love with them, and wants to keep them all! I keep insisting to him that we will only keep one of the kitties, and maybe Kaia, herself, but we will have to wait and see how things pan out - hopefully, the process of giving them good homes won't be too heartbreaking for him... Oh, and the story on Kaia is this: she was given to my BF as a too little kitten (shouldn't have been taken from her mom), and ended up at my place for 'kitty-sitting' when BF ended up in the ICU for a week. She went back to him for a few weeks, until he, um, got arrested, then came back over here. I took care of her until she started attacking my son, at which point, she ended up at the downstairs neighbor's. He mistreats her, so when she felt ready to give birth, she showed up here, where (I suspect) she knew she'd be taken in, fed, and cared for. I'm glad she did, and she's been a regular sweetheart to me (and my son) since. I have to seriously consider whether or not I can give her regular pet status, although I will most likely keep one of the kittens. I have time, yet, so I haven't decided!

In other exciting news, BF, the boy, and I went to a wonderful barbecue this past Saturday hosted by an old buddy of ours, and his newish wife. We all had a blast, enjoying home-cooked deliciousness from our hosts' bountiful garden, and my son got to indulge his love of drums while the guys were setting up to play! He even got to jam with them for a bit, which made him feel pretty special, but ultimately, I had to drag him off the stool so the guys could do what they had come to do! The little guy was pretty pissed off, and definitely took a few minutes to channel his inner rock star by pouting and sulking, but he got another chance to play a little later on - thanks, guys! My friend whose drums these were made sure to tell me that I should definitely make the trip down to Sam Ash (music store he is GM at) and get my boy a set of skins post-haste, as he exhibited some serious talent (mama gushes with pride)!

I can't tell you how nice it was to see some of these folks, some of them for the first time in almost 20 years! The food was superb, the music incomparable, and the good vibes from good people felt incredibly special and renewing! That's BF, by the way, in the last photo - taking it all in and letting it fill him up with the kind of joy we used to know in our (ahem) youth. He closed his eyes, presumably to let the music (and the sound of this young woman's voice!) wash over him, and erase the hardships of the years, and just feel like we all did back then. That there was no where else to be, and nothing else to do, then listen to these guys play, and be happy. It was
probably one of the best times I've had since I moved to NY - the kind of great time where old friends hang out at the same place we all did back then, except now we have our kids with us, and they are meeting each other, and running off together to play. I want to hold on to that feeling as long as I can, and longer. I want to remember how to be joyous, and to feel free...