Fail

I don't even know where to begin this week.  I'm really disappointed, let's start there.  it's been 24 days since I finished my Whole30, and I've been feeling a bit crappy for the past week or so...my digestion is kind of out of whack, I've been pimply and sore, and limping...my sleep schedule is off, and I feel bloated and thick.  I was at my mom's last Friday, and I thought I might have lost some more weight, so I got on her scale to find out that I Actually Gained Back 20 Pounds!  I mean, is that even possible?  I guess it is...if I can lose 30 pounds in 30 days, why not gain 20 pounds in 20 days?  I'm really frustrated and angry with myself.  all that hard work for nothing, and now I not only have to do it again, I have to do it better, and Keep doing it, forever.  even the teen is surprised - as he so blithely pointed out, I did a detox Last summer, and kept the weight off for over a year, so why didn't this Whole30 thing work out at least as well as that?  so I went from 245 to 215, and back to 235 all in 8 weeks.  that Can't be healthy...and here I was, walking around like I felt good about myself for accomplishing something.

frankly, I'm tired of blogging about my food, what I'm eating or not, how I'm affording it, what I'm doing when I can't afford it, how I'm coping...it's all getting rather old.  and I'm angry that I have to spend so much time thinking about it.  am I a victim of my own conscious conflict?  am I somehow simultaneously succeeding, and sabotaging myself?  how can I best deactivate/strip away my negative innermost limiting beliefs in order to not contradict my own desires? 

I still feel like 'I must have made some sort of mistake' in reading the scale, and meant to stop by the doc's office yesterday to confirm (or deny) those results, but I didn't end up getting to it, so no confirmation as of yet.  as far as my food issues go, my fridge is currently mostly bare (just like old times), and the few things that are in it are rapidly rotting veggies.  and in case you thought I didn't have enough to complain about, the power was out for most of the day, so I'm sure a portion of what is in my freezer isn't much good, either.  good times!

in any case, I think I need to spend more time - in 17 second intervals - working on focusing my desires in order to better manifest my dreams.  it seriously disturbs me that a post entitled "Success" gets half as many views as a post called "Relapse".  why are there more people interested in seeing me fail than people cheering me on to success?  so we're back to that disappointment I spoke of in terms of where I am, who's here with me (or who isn't), and what kind of energy it brings into my life.  seeing as how the people I tend to interact with let me down more than they hold me up, it's definitely time for me to change things around again, and as lonely as I already am, I can manage to endure just a little bit longer in order to give bringing the Right kinds of people into my life another shot. 

more than anything, I find I am once again disgusted at having trusted in people to be good to my son, who have turned out to do just the opposite.  if I had a penny for everyone who ever let us down, well...I'd be able to buy us something decent to eat.