Sugar Magnolia

I had never been close with a magnolia tree before, or interacted with one daily, through several years of seasons, before I lived at my last place of residence.  the one pictured below was right outside my front door for the past five years, and I'm truly going to miss it, and hope to preserve its presence in my life by propagating a new one from cuttings and berries I took (and hope to take more) from it before it gets destroyed, which I pray it doesn't.  the berries are so gorgeous I collected slews of them and tried planting them just as they were, but that's not how it works for this lady.  when the pods burst apart with lots of what look like seeds, but are really berries, those berries need to be soaked overnight before you can pop them open to get to the seeds.  then, after cleaning the seeds off, they're ready to be sown in soil and refrigerated for 3 or 4 months before being planted.

in getting to know this beautiful queen, I learned a few things that I thought I'd share.  for starters, magnolias are an ancient genus of over 200 flowering plant species, with fossilized specimens dating from 20 to 90 million years old!  as they evolved before bees, they are pollinated by beetles, and by self-pollination.  the flowers of certain species are considered edible, with the flowers, buds, and leaves all being used in different ways (please Do Not eat anything without having properly identified it, and confirming with several sources on methods of preparation and usage).  the bark and flower buds of certain species are also used medicinally (again, Do Not attempt to treat yourself with anything without proper research and supervision).  they are used as food plants for the larvae of several butterfly and moth species.  the Yulan magnolia is the official flower of Shanghai; the M. grandiflora is the official state flower of both Mississippi (where it is also the state tree) and Louisiana; and the magnolia sieboldii is the official national flower of North Korea, and the official flower of Gangnam, South Korea.

on the more esoteric side, the bark of the magnolia is used for both physical and spiritual healing, and is said to soothe anxiety and depression.  in fact, it seems that the bioactive compounds honokiol and magnolol are good for a slew of medical issues - everything from weight loss, to several forms of cancer, asthma, allergies, and skin issues, to name just a few.  also said to increase feelings of love and loyalty; reduce the power of addictions and obsessions, especially smoking; promotes psychic development; aids meditation and spiritual opening; promotes harmony, peace, and tranquility; helps learning from past experiences; clarifies true identity; eases restlessness and confusion; maintains balance during difficult changes, and promotes a sense of freedom and relaxation.  magnolia is also one of the main ingredients in true Nag Champa incense (michelia champaca is golden or red magnolia).  whew - she's sure got a lot on her plate!

astrologically, they're associated with the sign of Cancer, the Moon, the 4th house (which represents 'home'), pearls, and the crown chakra.  the magnolia is also a symbol of nobility, femininity, youth, and fidelity; family, longevity, legacy, faithfulness, and is good for use in prosperity, stability, and fertility spells.  the seed pods are incredibly phallic, the berries a menstrual red, and they have these white filament tails that makes them look like sperm.  they are 'bisexual' in that they pollinate themselves - as such, there are sexual, creative, and vital associations, as well.  magnolias are associated with the Goddess/planet Venus, and the trees are excellent for both shade, and climbing.  they can have some darker aspects, given their history of popularity in the American South, around plantations, which is unfortunate, but that's not the tree's fault.  there's so much information out there on magnolias and their meanings and uses, I could go on for a rather long time, but I think I've done enough, here.  I've made my point that this is an amazing and glorious tree, to which, we should all bow down in awe and revere!  all hail the mighty and magnificent magnolia!  amen ~



links:

http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/flowers/m.html

https://speakingofwitchwands.net/2017/06/13/the-magickal-magnolia-tree/comment-page-1/

https://www.nytimes.com/1973/04/25/archives/magnolia-magic.html

https://www.candacehunter.com/magnolia-magic/

http://witchesandpagans.com/pagan-paths-blogs/this-dusty-earth/menstrual-sperm-alien-seed-pods-the-weird-wonderful-world-of-the-southern-magnolia.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnolia

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/asenseofplace/2014/05/love-and-magnolias/

http://ayalasmellyblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/champaca-flowers-vs-nag-champa-incense.html

Astrological Writing Prompt

sometime in September, I copied this link and writing prompt from a post by luna luna magazine, shared by a friend on facebook:

Aquarius writing prompt:
"Can you operate deep underground?  Can you burrow into the murky waters of fear and love and want?  What happens when you get naked and sit in the garden of your dark?  When you don’t have a bird’s-eye view, when you comeinrealcloselikethis?  Can you feel the granules?  What do they feel like?"


down

     down

under the ground

where I live

     there is no sound


slithering deep

     through the

          murky and dark

I search for my loves,

     my fears

and my wants.


alone in my garden

naked in shadow

planting my bones

up to the marrow


     feeling each grain,

each bit of soil

     eat at my skin

from this mortal coil


it feels like an ending,

     but we've only begun

to die into rebirth

     and slowly become

gristle and chaw,

     pulp and quagmire

          morass and sludge

ooze muck and perspire


thoughts and ideas

     become seeds

bursting fertile

growing in fullness

     to thrive

          and beguile


it all stinks of life

     and of death, and

of birth

and sometimes I can't

     figure out what it's worth

all the tiresome

     mundane

          terrestrial

slop

while heaven is waiting

     for this ride to

stop.



there.  how's that?  check your horoscope prompt, and see what You come up with!

Dreams: sometime back in June or July, before our latest move.

seeing the bestie's brother in my dream could signify that I desire his popularity and success for myself, and also that this current life situation is making me feel awkward and embarrassed about myself/my situation.  that he (as someone I'm not really friendly with) needed my help could be indicative of My need to compromise for the greater good - to come to an understanding/middle ground so I can move forward.  the same with mom being there...while she could represent my need for warmth, love, security, and a possible secret longing to be a 'wealthy housewife', it also speaks to my bitterness over our rivalry.  she wasn't 'being herself' and was more just an extra body for me to care for, suggesting my desire for distance from her, and my anger at being dismissed as insignificant.  it also indicates my need to reconnect with ME - to adopt & mother myself.  the bestie recently said to me, "I can't be all bad if my people still want me after all the f-ed up shite I've done"...and my dreaming of his family members shows how I wish my family felt the same, revealing my tendency to idealize/romanticize how I think a 'real' family should function, and how I want that for myself.

as for the presence, of the bestie himself, what aspects of his character do I need to foster and acknowledge in my own self?  being ready and willing to 'party' at all times?  not being willing to see his aging self the way the world does (or to see it and laugh at it)?  being more fun loving?  independent?  uncompromising?  to work hard, and muddle through life mostly alone?  the fact that we've managed to maintain our friendship through 30 years of ups and downs is what keeps us close...that, and my willingness to 'hold on loosely, but not let go'.  he also - in dream land - indicates good news.

the boy and the cat are tough ones...the boy mostly shows up in my dreams because he's pretty much everything I live for, and the cat may have been there as an extension of him, and a general indication that I needed my whole family with me in order to navigate this dream-scape.  the cat as a symbol represents independence, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power, and a pet usually represents civilized instincts, and holding one's temper.  also, more of that need for love and acceptance due to feeling neglected.  all of these qualities are important to helping me navigate the situations at hand.

all that water...the clear, calm, gentle waves that we were floating on symbolizes my subconscious, and my emotional state of mind.  Water is the living essence of the psyche, and the flow of life energy - it is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing, and refreshment, and that I am in tune with that spirituality, imbuing me with serenity, peace of mind, rejuvenation, renewal, and clarity.  it indicates that in reflecting on an important life decision that needs to be made, that I have a handle on my emotions.

while we weren't riding 'in' a vehicle, but were sitting on top of one speaks to the level and type of control I have over my own life, or that someone is exerting their power over me, and I'm doing my best to stay on top of it.  that it was a large vehicle, perhaps a van of some sort, asks that I consider how much of a load I can feasibly carry, and to not stress myself out by carrying too much.  that the vehicle is under water implies this is an emotional journey.  that I saw the life raft at such a distance from us suggests my feeling distanced from any help with coping, that I've failed to build a firm foundation for myself, and that much work is still needed in order to succeed.  also, that I want to be rescued from the current situation that is beyond my control!  the rope they threw me represents my connection and attachment to others, and how those relationships are what's holding me together.  there's a lot here about my feelings of being ignored and neglected, and that I'm trying to find ways to cry out for help that will make me feel accomplished and loved (luckily, I'm not too proud to ask for it).

that the cat got loose once we got to safety speaks to my need to express myself in the most primal of ways, and indicates how well some sexual release would serve me right now!  that we needed to go find her highlights more of that independence I crave - the need to be free of the things that hold me back.  forgetting her name/what she looks like are an expression of an overwhelming amount of stress in my life due to the need for me to tend to everything and everyone in my current situation.  that the boy and I made it to shore together (to find the cat) suggests that my emotional needs will be satisfied, and that my inner turmoil has been resolved.  It refers to the point where the conscious mind meets the subconscious, and that I will have come to a place of solace and comfort, though there is still much to be considered.

all the animals running towards their humans on that shore are sex and more sex, and that out of all those beings I was specifically aware of the horses speaks to more strength and power, endurance, and virility.  I have a distinct need to 'tame the wild forces within', yet also need to 'reign myself in' a bit.  in finding the cat, it shows I am coming into contact with some aspect of my psyche or subconscious that was previously repressed, and represents change.

that I managed to finally get my little band to a shelter represents the difficulties and sense of helplessness that I'm experiencing, and managing to find some of the security and stability I've been looking for.  that I passed out once we got there says that I may yet not be able to confront some of the subconscious issues or feelings I've been experiencing, and need to be more aware of, and acknowledge them.  waking up, then, indicates that something is missing or lacking in my life- that there are aspects of myself, and abilities I possess that I am not utilizing to their fullest potential.  my dream is literally telling me to open my eyes and wake up - or could be the entry point to lucidity.

"lucidity gives you the ability to control your own dreams and steer them toward the direction you want.  in the lucid state, you are more willing to confront threats and as a result, become more self confident.  when you achieve lucidity, you can use it as a tool to...solve a problem in your waking life.  you can use lucid dreams to...overcome phobias,  get over writer's block, etc.  lucid dreams can help you visualize and rehearse an event in your mind before it actually occurs.  it helps to overcome fears and anxieties."  they can help you become self-confident in confronting threats, problem-solve, overcome fear & anxiety, help you train & prepare in setting the stage for what's to come.

for reference:
http://www.dreammoods.com/
https://www.dreamdictionary.org/

Dream - 9/23/19

my father's people all came to me in a dream last night.

they showed up at my house with my brother and his wife.

I fought with my brother, and he threatened me with violence.

I woke myself yelling for him to stop.

---

dreams about my ancestors suggest that I'm acknowledging my inherited traits and traditions - that I may be trying to hold on to the past and preserve it.  it was a positive experience with them in which I felt safe and cared for.  that I had an argument with my brother, though, means that I am trying to suppress some quality I have in common with him, or could symbolize bitterness, jealousy, or rivalry.  it could be that I am overly dependent on my family, especially since they've been showing up a lot, lately...though the veils are real thin, as it's 'that time of year'.  considering also the significance of it being my father's people, and the relationships I have to them.  

having to do with my dad's people, and a fight with my brother, it would represent that wild nature, that inner Self, and where I draw my support from in getting to know their stories better piecing the little know with the history I learn).  with my brother, shouting at me about how wrong I am as a person, his wife standing by.  it would speak to some repressed anger, but I've made it pretty clear how angry I am about many aspects of my relationships with my brother (and his wife as an extension), and why we're estranged, so I wouldn't say it was about any anger that I've repressed - I'm openly vocal about it.

it's like the Hulk - it's always simmering down there, under the surface, bubbling to come out and Smash, but I need to keep it in check, or I will burn it all to the ground.  and that's my dad's influence in my life.  so his people were there to support and witness my bro and I Hulking out on each other - in dreams, where it represents the fury and frustration of not being able to release that energy - like something unresolved or unacknowledged fighting for its right to be heard. it also parallels our real fight in our waking life, and that I need to assert and stand up for myself there, too
. 

that I am being threatened indicates that I have internalized the fear of being inadequate or oppressed. the violence indicates unexpressed anger or rage...I need more discipline in my life.  it may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse - in particular, to dream that the violence is directed towards me represents self punishment and guilt, and feelings of helplessness or vulnerability. violence toward others in your dream (me yelling myself awake) suggests that I may be fighting or struggling against aspects of your own Self.  violence can be a common theme when you have unconscious pent up feelings of anger and frustration.

my creative nature is attempting to rise back to the surface, amid the scars of my psyche threatening it with the debilitating fears of growing up under the threat of physical violence for stepping out of place, and with my ancestors in attendance to support and encourage me, I am fighting back.  shouting myself out of the dream to protect my most precious resource, and calm my rage by diffusing that bomb through my highest expressive self.

Tying Up Loose Threads

I realize why I'm so lonely lately - the teen is pulling away.  he'll be 15 this winter, and that's the age when everything changed for me in my life, and shit went south for me and my mom.  it's different with moms and daughters than it is with moms and sons, but still...he's got some attitude lately, and it's not even because he's a mean-spirited person, he's just a teen.  it's hard not to take personally sometimes, and we do our best to address it with humor, but it makes me realize - or continue to realize, because it's been on my mind A LOT lately - that he's not going to be living with me forever, and I have to get ready to learn to be EVEN MORE alone that I usually am!  WOW.  that's big.  I need to make a real effort towards getting out in the community, engaging with hobbies, and figuring out how to be social enough to meet the people I need to have in my life to help keep it meaningful.

---

I must have written the above paragraph over six months ago, because the blog dashboard shows that the last time I visited this piece was a month before the boy's 15th birthday (he'll be 16 in a little over 3 months).  but I have all these unfinished drafts hanging around, and I've been working with them, so here we are - and this is relevant, because I was just talking with my nutritionist about how I eat because I'm lonely, and she asked me to address it with my therapist (check me out, with a nutritionist and a therapist) to work out some coping skills, and here I run across a post that talks about dealing with my further upcoming isolation...

it's been ok, lately, with the fair number of extraneous humans cluttering up my energy fields due to our recent move, the teen's gigs, and the first public parental school obligation of the year - I've enjoyed my alone time because I've needed to just take care of me for a minute, and since I do spend energy encouraging the boy to get up, get out and be social, it's nice to see him taking advantage of the fact that we moved within walking distance of his school.  so now it's time for me to get back to figuring out how to be more socially active in a way that's fun, too.  I even thought it might be time to try the dating game again, since my last flight into that fancy - just before the move, this past spring - worked out so very poorly, and I seem to be a glutton for punishment...or just overbearingly lonely.

in terms of the teen's pulling away, it's inevitable, and I have no problem taking the inevitable in stride, but I do need to deal with it in practice, and so far, to that end, I'm hoping to attend a concert Saturday night.  the only thing I can really see getting in the way of that is my own overwhelming desire to stay home in comfy pajamas where I feel safe outweighing my interest in seeing live, culturally significant music played by talented artists in a sacred setting.  maybe I'll get crazy and invite someone to come along (I posted it on facebook).  let's see what happens!

Sunday 9/22 - ...

---

Monday 11/4 - well, that didn't happen!  no one wanted to come with me, and I guess I didn't really feel like going, myself.  at least, not enough to go alone.  and now there are even More unfinished drafts on my blog dashboard, and I Still haven't put forth the effort to finish them up.  I did go see some people I know play live music a few weeks back, though, and that was fun.  I'm hoping to do it again soon.  I almost got back into the dating game, too, but got discouraged right off the bat, so that may take a bit more time.  sadly, all the kid wants to do is play video games, and he hasn't done anything social since that one game he went to in the beginning of the school year - well, he played in a local Magic the Gathering draft tournament, but that's not very social past the required grunts and clicks the teen players use to communicate across the table at their opponents.  sigh...it's getting to be the time of year when people hibernate, too, so I don't know how much that will be changing in the near future.  maybe the one friend who agreed to meet with me for lunch that one time will do it again, even though I talked their ear off, kept them for hours past lunch, and sabotaged both our afternoon plans.  hmm, needy much?  yes I am.

Dona Nobis Pacem - Blog Blast for Peace

hosted by Mimi Lennox - visit other peace bloggers here, and on Facebook

'Dona Nobis Pacem' is Latin for 'Grant Us Peace'.  it's apparently from the part of the Christian religious service where the 'sacramental bread' is broken into pieces to distribute to those who choose to take part in that ritual, begging Jesus to take away the sins of the world, have mercy upon them, and grant them this favor of peace.  as long as I've known that phrase (not all that long, in the grand scheme) I didn't know that was where it came from.  I've blogged it, and I've played and sung it with an orchestra I was briefly involved with, and while I can appreciate the stand-alone sentiment of calling out a wish to be granted peace, I'm not one to ask Jesus to just give me something that requires effort on my part to achieve.  I'm also Jewish, so I'm not in the habit of addressing my prayers to Jesus in general, though I've got no qualms with him as an historical figure, given that he was 'one of us', and simply caught a bad rap for his revolutionary ideologies while those rotten Romans were running things, and crucifying everyone in sight who questioned their authority.

Eric Cartman from the cartoon South Park fills in as a deputy, and quickly becomes drunk with power while exercising brutality.

ironically, that sounds familiar in the context of the circus we have going on right now in American politics.  so what are people of good conscience to do?  pray to Jesus?  while it won't hurt to do so, it won't solve anything, either.  the folks over at International Alert have developed some strategies for helping people find peaceful solutions to conflict for over 30 years, through what they call 'peacebuilding' - a long-term, collaborative process that begins by doing the research to discover and understand the reasons why people fight in the first place.  while their important work is admirable and necessary, they don't do it in the US at this time, though here's a list of over 100 organizations that DO work in the US:  Peace Organizations Based in the United States.  some of the entries are out of date, or have merged, dissolved, or changed their names over the years, but that still leaves a great deal of people working towards a similar goal.

logo for Another Mother for Peace, founded by Barbara Avedon.  Poster created (and donated) by Lorraine Schneider.

I was 6 years old when the war in Vietnam ended, and one thing I will always remember my mother kindly for was taking me to welcome the vets home.  she explained that these poor young men had been sent to fight in a brutal conflict that few people were in favor of, and that they didn't deserve the hatred to which they returned, as it wasn't their choice to have gone in the first place.  while we as a family (and as Jews, a People) were and are vehemently anti-war, we also don't believe in abandoning those who serve our country once they return home, in many cases broken, and in need of a great deal of understanding and support.  so it made sense to me at a very young age that we should probably do our best as a nation to avoid war altogether.  but how to foster peace between nations?  I believe a good first step is for us as a country to stop making and shipping so many weapons all over the world, to all sides of many conflicts, for a sickening amount of profit that only benefits a small percentage of our global population.  while I will concede that a standing military is important for the defense of a country's national borders (my opinion of national borders is a discussion for another day), war profiteering - and the human fallout it creates - is one of the worst faces of evil, which the US has been wearing for far too long, as well as being one of the biggest problems we are facing with our current political crises.

"I want to tell the children not to be afraid because we are not alone.  There are still many people who have their hearts filled with love." - Sophie Cruz

with so many of our citizens going without basic human needs, which I (and many others) see as basic human rights, and more being taken away from us everyday, why would anyone of good conscience choose to support profits over people?  or child 'detention centers' for immigrant children illegally and brutally separated from their parents - while running to escape situation perpetrated by the US to begin with?  or raising the prices of life-giving medications out of range for the people who rely on them?  why are we continuing to suffer under institutional/cultural/structural racism?  why are there still Black and Brown bodies locked up in for-profit prisons on marijuana charges while white people are enjoying 'cannabis tourism'?  WHY on this big beautiful planet bursting with abundance is there even one child who can't access clean water?  why is anyone still starving?  we have Long since had the knowledge and resources for Every Single Person on this planet to not only survive but thrive, and the only thing keeping us from collectively evolving into a civilization that can achieve great things by working together is that we are still mired down in the mud due to the shockingly monstrous greed of a few ludicrously perverted individuals.

as usual, the kids are leading the way.  any and all parents (All adults!) who love and respect the lives we've been given to care for does themselves proud when they not only hear what their children are saying, but listen to them, and help amplify their voices.  we have a responsibility to give them the tools they need to move us down the road towards a better and brighter future for all people, no exceptions.  that means those of us who have had it easy and feel comfortable in our everyday lives are going to have to learn to be uncomfortable for as long as it takes for us to get there.  'peace' is not a nebulous magical archetype for us to dream about from the comfort of our cozy couches, clicking away at our laptops - it is a concept that goes beyond the absence of war.  it is the ability to constructively manage conflict, and opportunity for change through understanding, a commitment to learning from differences and nurturing all individuals.  it requires tolerance, kindness, respect, consideration, morality, and justice.  it requires us to 'do the work'.  I haven't done nearly enough in my personal life to promote peace other than doing this bloggy thing, attending a few protest marches here and there, and learning through my kid how to be a better me.  and through doing this bloggy thing, I take the time to look up and read articles and definitions, learn about the leaders in the field who are doing the heavy lifting, and connect with others who do the same.  it gives me hope.  and sometimes, in the day to day world of dishes and laundry, and struggling to earn enough as a single mom to keep a roof over our heads, that's the best I can hope for.  I can do more, though, and this is my yearly reminder to make that part of my daily practice.  I hope someone out there might read this, and feel the same.  ☮

Croning (trigger warning...possibly uncomfortable subject matter ahead.)

so, The Unused Portion has been on a bit of a hiatus, which is obviously a good thing, if you tend to play along...

yeah, I'm still here again, and I'm sorry I talk about uncomfortable things like my mental health, thoughts of suicide, and my eventual death, but...that's life, and as the tagline states, "just whatever's on my mind".  well, being human, sometimes death and dying are on my mind.  not so much today, but it will come up again, trust me.  and it's about to be the Autumnal Equinox, so...it's the season for it, anyway.  my ancestors have been closer than usual.

so what's the news, kids?  what's up with you lurkers in the dark?  why Do you read along?  it's for the gossip, isn't it?  yeah, I know you.  freaks.

the word of the day is 'pain'.  it has been the word of the day for several days, now.  whatever the eczema-type rash thing I currently have on my right ankle is, it sure is making a show of wanting my attention.  I'm assuming I ate a whole bunch of something that irritated it, or simply irritated it by eating whole bunch of something...anything.  who knows.  eggs?  white flour?  sugar?  processed foods?  all of the above?  it probably wasn't the protein salad.  I stopped seeing the doctor over my weight issues because she just pissed me off with her deprivation diet, but I did start seeing a nutritionist.  she's nice, but I haven't really made any progress on my weight/health with her, either.

our recent move (been here 1 month!), added a lot of pressure to my food issues, and once I got settled in, found my journals and glucometer, it turned out my blood sugar levels were really high!  up above 200!  I got them to come down pretty quickly with a careful diet and the world's tiniest bit of exercise, but it's hard to keep them down on my budget (with my lack of abilities) so I stopped checking again for a minute.  also, my fingertips got sore from the constant pin pricks, and test strips cost money.  so my ankle peels and burns, and swells and cracks and weeps.  and I ice it, and put warm compresses on it, and moisturize it, and let it dry out, and rub it, but do my best not to scratch it (I fail).  putting on a shoe is one kind of hell - walking is another.  I drink SO much water, and try not to eat at all (which leads to a whole slew of other issues), but it's so bad now, it's all I can think about.  I've been contemplating a shower to soothe it for more than an hour, and I think I'm ready to go there.  I also remembered that we bought aspirin when the teen got his braces on, so I'll probably take a few of those, too.

it's a bit better now, after a hot compress, and getting wrapped in gauze...though the aspirin may have had more to do with it, who knows.

it's interesting to note that it's just the way it was 9 years ago, when I first moved here - when I got so sick and broke out in hives the way I do, and ended up with a prescription to prednisone after a trip to the emergency room.  fun times.  but like I was telling my therapist this morning, (because I have it all wrapped up, now, like I do from time to time to keep my hands off it so I can let it heal and she asked what happen as people will when I wrap it up), it's all about moving, and poor food choices, and stress overload, and coming down from all of that toxicity...and my nostrils dried out!  where I get my pimples just turned to sandpaper overnight.  I'm 'croning'; moving into aging gracefully - or as smoothly as I can manage, anyway.  paying attention to the foods I feed myself needs to be part of that, no matter how much I resent having to pay that attention.

I'm getting there.  I bought some new soap, and moisturizer.  I scheduled an expensive haircut at a fancy salon.  the part of me that wants to care deeply and lovingly for myself is learning to be gentle with the part of me that wants to press hard on the spot where it hurts the most, and stick hot needles into my deepest pain.  but I'm cleansing the wound instead, applying salve, wrapping it in soft bandages.  just taking a moment to indulge myself, and letting that be ok.  yes, there's so much that needs to get done, and I'm doing it, but I need to make time for me, too.  to let all the chaos resolve to an order, and release the tension.  listen to what the body needs, and provide it.

*right after typing that last paragraph, I took off the bandage and scratched the hell out of the wound, then had to clean it all up and rewrap it.  sigh ~

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and it's a Tuesday, after a gig weekend, and I am hurting.  my foot is SO much better, but is still a mess, so I'm doing my best to ignore it outside of cleaning and moisturizing it.  I've been sneezing and coughing, and my sides hurt from it.  my head is stuffed, and my back has been threatening to seize for about a week.  I'm wheezy and weak-kneed, eyes baggy, sinuses clogged.  I still refuse to close the windows, though my bare feet are freezing under the desk in the breeze from the window (it's about 50 degrees out, but I'm sure it's not that cold inside).  I don't want to wear my slippers because they hurt the wound on top of my right foot.  I suppose I could put on the left one...

I need to write, but I have 17 (17!) saved drafts already, and I have so much I want to do with this blog!  I have years of backlogged work that I keep myself from completing, and it feels like I'm out of time, out of other options, and I am unwilling to do anything else at this point but my own work.  so I've cleared the boards, but I'm still all stuck in my head in a big knot that needs untangling.  luckily, I'm skilled at untangling knots.  all it takes is time and patience, which I've had more trouble with, in the abstract.

of the many times I've spoken of being a sort of duality, I am also the whole universe at once, as we all are, though I have removed so many of my societal filters, I see no point in taking part in most of our social constructs.  yet I do want to be a part of this world, have a place in it from time to time before retreating back to my fool's sanctuary of dreams and flimsy things that have no reason or meaning.  it's just my creative process, but what am I making?  and how does one measure that on a scale of comparable importance?  yet who cares for such things as usefulness and productivity when one can pursue Truth and Beauty!  whatever else I do in this life, I'm sure I'll manage to pass on at least one important bit of wisdom to future generations through my child.  which of the many I've gifted him with it will be, I can't say...

and I did get a haircut, and my foot is getting better, but spending my weekend partying like an (aging) rock star with one of my oldest and most toxic friends sent the roller coaster I've been riding around a curve and through a tunnel, because I said something to my nutritionist that she asked me to say to my therapist, so I guess I feel like I should type it out here, as well:

"If you're going to kill yourself, yummy food is not a bad way to go.  I keep wondering how many more ice creams until I have the heart attack." - me

 now, I'm Not suggesting I'm about to kill myself, people, so CALM DOWN.  I'm simply suggesting that We Are All Going To Die from One thing or Another, Eventually, so what's the harm in me eating a whole pie over the course of a day or two every now and again?  why does it really matter?  my therapist suggested that the quality of the life I have left to live on this planet might be affected, and again, I feel slightly fatalistic about such things, because I honestly think I will off myself if and when that happens.  in any case, it's not today, so we will continue with the chronicles of my resistance to eating well and exercising regularly, figuring out whether or not being fat is the root of all my problems, and if it's worth giving up eating a chocolate cream pie as if it were a single serving in the hopes of one day setting eyes on grandchildren.  stay tuned ~