Relapse

so on Sunday, I made a mess of myself, and on Monday I paid the price.  now it's Tuesday, and I'm going to try and fix it.

I watered the plants.

I did a sinkful of dishes.

I wrote a short story for The Sunday Whirl.

I cooked and ate a veggie frittata, and drank some water.

I did a whole bunch of other stuff that I didn't take the time to write down, or interrupt my day to record.


and now it's another day.

and I'm totally lost, out to sea,

sleeping on and off, an hour here, a few more over there

head stuffed and groggy, stomach in pain, blood sugar over 200

aches achy, and pains hurting,

the limp, the limp,

the headache and the gas and that taste in my mouth

the one that says

"you've done it again,

"you've made yourself Sick.

"you always liked that morning-after effect,

"and sleeping it off for three days before you were ready

to do it again."

and you've done it again.

and again

so many times

you've broken your pancreas

and now you need to figure out how to stop,

or how to do it differently.



finally feeling better

as of some time last night

thank goodness...

I'm So over That scene.

how can I seemingly have so much

less stomach

yet still have so much more?



evening

out

it's that time of year, month, week

sex on my mind, 24/7

kama sutra, tantra, yab yum

you feel me?

all of it

for three days straight...

three days

straight.



if I could only Not be sick

for a bit

that would be good.

I feel like I haven't had a good day since I finished

the Whole30, but

I'm trying to get back to that

healthfulness

I was feeling

for a minute, there.

I spun out of control as soon as I let myself

based on the lack of will of others.

I'd rather be hungry than weak.

I know what I need to do,

now I just need to Do It

which has always been the Hard Part

for me.

but I don't ever want

my stomach

to hurt like that

again.