Shabbat (a Few Days Past the Full Moon in Leo) Shalom & Community Reading

it's been a rough couple of weeks.  the new moon a few days before my birthday and the one year anniversary of my moving to a newish country sent me into a spiral of depression costing me a good deal of my sanity, but the full moon a few days ago seems to be helping to mellow me out a bit.  I mentioned in the post I made that week (Aliyah-versary) that I haven't really been doing much of anything other than laying around being a useless lump, rationing my diminishing food supply, and doing my best to try and find people to help me get the support I need in the areas I need it.   

the social workers here have mostly been a big fail for me in that arena, and the ones I connected with so far have mostly made me feel unsafe and vulnerable to threats I'm not ready to navigate, so I probably won't be turning to them again any time soon.  I did call a few of the local helplines when I felt I was freaking out and needed to talk, and some of them were a bit helpful, though some of the folks I spoke with seemed to think marrying me off to a religious nut is the answer to all my problems, and I beg to differ.  what I've needed most (this month) has been financial assistance, and help finding a job I can stick with and succeed at in the long term, and I did manage to work some mojo in that direction - I was gifted the miracle of enough cash to pay this month's rent and bills, and also received a grant to enroll in a 'retraining' program to learn a new skill/trade so I can hopefully 'upgrade' my ability to find work here.

in the meantime, I've been focusing on drinking enough water, getting a decent amount of rest, and doing what I can to organize my space a little bit better, which is an ongoing process as I'm still 'unpacking' and sorting my belongings into a workable semblance of organization.  the bookcase I bought is already stuffed full, and there are several books/files that don't even fit on the shelves and are piled on the floor next to the bookshelf.  since my contract (lease) is nearing its end and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to stay in this apartment much longer, I certainly wasn't going to buy any more furniture or decorate, but it seems I still have some small glimmer of hope because with the help of my cousin, I managed to get the landpeople to renew the contract at the current rent price rather than raising it 200 shekels a month, and at least that buys me one more month of a roof over my head to try and find another job before rent comes due again.  

I feel like the embodiment of 'two steps forward, one step back' this month - as though all the pressure of looming homelessness wasn't enough, Facebook decided to ban me from the platform out of the blue for no reason, so just while I was struggling the hardest with my mental health, I was cut off from the closest thing I have to support from virtual 'friends', not to mention the employment groups and new immigrant support groups I belong to on there.  I also had an item up for sale on Marketplace which would have bought me a week's worth of groceries if I could manage to sell it - and the many many recipes and craft projects I've saved over the years that I lost access to just when I needed them most.  

curiously, being banned from fb gave me a really eye-opening reality check of how deeply I'm immersed in it, and forced me to take a step back and use that time more productively.  sure, I played hours and hours of video games (by which I mean sheshbesh, yatzy, and various word games) and watched WAY too many seasons of an older tv program I liked once upon a time, but I also turned to this blog and managed to catch up on a few posts, delete lots of festering drafts, reconnect with The Sunday Whirl, and discover Six Sentence Stories from GirlieOnTheEdge.  the former didn't feel so welcoming as only one other participant stopped in to leave a comment on my poem (I visited and commented on ALL the other blogs), while the SSS community has been very welcoming, kind, and engaging (that's why they get a link, and TSW doesn't 😉).  I got an email from fb this morning saying I've been reinstated, though I'm in no rush to log back in after my 2 week hiatus.  I know I will soon enough as I still have that aforementioned item to sell on Marketplace, and all those recipes and craft projects to save in a more secure location so I don't lose access to them again at the whim of some stupid bot.

the big win for today was getting myself to the shuk in time to buy the ingredients I was missing for my soup, and a challah plus some dessert for my Shabbat meal tonight.  I'm not usually one for doughnuts, but for whatever reason I woke up this morning just...wanting a chocolate doughnut, and wondering if I'd seen anything resembling that since I've been here.  I didn't find exactly what I was looking for, but I found something close enough.  my timer just went off letting me know my soup is ready, so I'm going to have myself a bowl, then finish what I came here to do;  pull some tarot cards for a community reading!

so - which deck am I feeling today?  let's see...

I'm going to use three different decks for us this time - my very first deck, Tarot of the Witches, because I haven't read in awhile and it just feels right; The Fairie's Oracle, in honor of two dear friends; and my fake Ukranian (Russian?) knockoff of Buckland's Romani Tarot because there happen to be a lot of Russians (Ukranians?) in my building/neighborhood, so why not.  

 

 

 

to begin:  where are we all?  what is happening in our world?  

next:  what do we need?  what can we offer to ourselves and each other?

and finally:  how/where do we find it? 

 

 

 

 

The Fool - ah, the dear young naive darling, forever heading over the edge of that cliff despite his faithful companion's warning.  what an adventure, what folly...a study of opposites with his rash determination to step out into the world, both completely unprepared, and carrying all the tools he needs for his journey.  he's like an uncarved stone waiting for the chisel, open to all experiences, the embodiment of creativity and joy.  he is wholeness and nothingness, as he's ridden this ride eternally and just keeps traveling on through.  is that what we're doing, now?  our level best to live in the moment because we have no idea what's coming next?  just trying to roll with the punches?  shall we toss our pennies to the wind and see what wisdom we gain?  should we listen to those who would hold us back with warnings?  or do we walk on, untroubled and unafraid?

The Guardian at the Gate - this Guardian's duty is to hold the mystical gateway open for those who are ready to pass through to new realms, and close it to those who aren't.  drawing this card indicates we are being welcomed to step into a new awareness, and/or to hold the door open for others who may be ready to join us on the other side.  we are also reminded that each of us must make that choice on our own.  it's such a delicate little thing, yet a deeply important and significant moment for us all.  can we let ourselves open our hearts to both our own changes, and those of others?  we can't pass this way and stay the same; it is suggested that we ask The Guardian for both guidance and protection as we embark.

5 of Pentacles - the ones who have lost everything.  desperate, destitute, and beyond hope.  they are plagued by illness and poverty, and cry out in their pain.  they don't notice the light in the window because they're too caught up in their own plight to see that there is still the tiniest glimmer of hope.  if they seek connection, they will find it.  so how/where do we find it?  most tarot decks illustrate the window as a church, but we can fill in whatever we need for that metaphor, as we aren't all of the same faith.  but that's the bottom line - faith.  if we find it in a building under the guidance of a spiritual leader, or if we find it out in nature under a canopy of trees, sky, and stars, we must seek it out in order to reconnect with what heals and carries us through the dark times.  

if we choose to see our collective consciousness as The Fool about to step off that cliff where The Guardian of the Gate asks us to consider if we're really ready to walk into that awareness, can we turn our mindset from scarcity and fear to hope and connection?  are we truly able to let ourselves love each other that much?  can we love our own selves that much?  what does it take?  for me, it takes small acts like drinking water and resting, making myself soup, and remembering to center myself enough to feel like I can read cards for us.  and finding the right people to reach out to when I need help.  it's all a process that we've been through again and again, and somehow, we will always find ourselves at the beginning, even if we're at the end.

selah ~ 

 

*if you enjoyed this reading and would like to connect with me for a personal reading of your own, reach out to me at Mysteriam Tarot & Dreamwork.  💙💜💙