and so it goes...

You won't believe how long it took me to get here.  to the page, I mean.  to sit down in front of the computer and write.  there's so much in my mind, everyday, like I'm composing in my head for my thesis, but it sounds more like a blog post, which is fine, as long as it sounds like something and makes it from my head into some form of viable communication that can be shared and quantified.  it seems like a lot of stuff just happened at once, but actually it's been over the course of two months, and what I'm feeling is the quickening of the season, as the Autumnal Equinox is right around the corner.  my seasonal panic attack goes like this:  'omg, it's Rosh Hashanna already, then Yom Kippur and Sukkot, Equinox, Samhain, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Solstice, New Year's, my birthday, the kid's birthday, then it's Spring already..!  see what I mean?  there's really no need for all that, but it doesn't stop me from cycling between tasks too frequently to get any of them done, and sabotaging myself into self-destructive behaviors (facebook and non-academic reading being the two biggest ones).

August seriously left me in the dust, with my landlady going all postal right before I left for Vermont, and I spent most of the week I got back trying to straighten out my living situation while catching up from being away and getting started on schoolwork.  it's not solved, but it's not quite so desperate as it was at the time.  coming home from having been so supremely spoiled at Goddard by the great food they turn out during the residency was not at all helpful to the process, as I can count on one hand the amount of decent meals that've emerged from my own kitchen, since.  brain fog is real, people, and I am suffering the effects as we speak.  so, after another week of job-searching, I landed the position I had my fingers crossed for - nothing big, just another farm stand, but it's work, and I could do a lot worse (and don't tell, but one of my overlords is the guitar player for a well-known punk band, and I find it hard not to be a mumble stumble fumble fangirl around him!).  then the little one went back to school, and I've been so caught up in learning how to navigate the rocky shoals of balancing my new employment with my Master's work, and the boy's school & after schedule that I neglected to do any actual work on my Master's much past the aforementioned 'composing in my head'...well, okay, I've done more than that, but not enough to send in and call a packet.

Today I finally made it to the page during the time I set aside to get some work done (miracles!), and two things happened:  1.  I felt the gnawing stabs of hunger in my belly and the nauseous, I'm-going-to-pass-out feeling in my head from being awake for 3 hours and not having eaten yet, and 2. my new job called and asked if I could come in for a few hours this afternoon.  Damn.   Damn Damn Damn.  I'm AT THE PAGE, I'm WRITING!  sigh.  I need the money...I went in the kitchen to eat something, had 1/4 of a cantaloupe, cleaned off the counter to get some rice started for dinner, ended up staring at all the dirty dishes needing cleaning - and totally forgot what I went in there for (brain fog).  then I started the rice, and ran back to finish this post so I could get ready to go in for a few hours.  but the cantaloupe wasn't enough, and while my belly isn't rumbling, my head is still feeling like it's getting crushed in a vice, so I think I'll have to go have a slice of bread with some peanut butter on it so I don't pass out at the store.  damn it.  I shouldn't have answered the phone...but I really needed to, didn't I?

I can tell myself that I'll get back to the writing later, and I will, but I'm concerned as to how tired I'll be when I get there.  after work, picking up the kids at karate, homework while cooking and eating dinner, then bath and bed for the young one...probably around 9pm?  10?  another big sigh.  I refuse to believe that it's too much, that I can't juggle it all.  I can.  I will.  I've got to find that momentum I felt at the residency, I need to get back to the academic reading (confession:  I'm on page 830 of a book that has nothing to do with my thesis).  time-management has never really been my strong point, I'm afraid...and now the alarm is telling me my writing time is done, and I need some protein in my system to help make ready to switch gears and go get paid at the farm store...ggrrraaaahhh!  self-sabotage, or self-preservation?  I dunno.  man, I'm hungry - hope I can get a snack at work.


*update:  it is now 9:30 pm, and I managed to wrap it up and get ready in time, worked my 4 hours (no snack), got the kids and did all that just like I laid it out this morning.  then I finally came back to the page.  this page, here.  the one you're reading...and fell asleep.  so, like I said, too tired to be any good to naught but my pillow, alas.  the books are right on my bed where I left them this morning, and now I'll go put them back on my desk so I can tumble into it and try again tomorrow ~