Thursday, February 3, 2011
Recently, I've been having these strange dreams involving my ex, a high school friend, and labyrinthine wanderings...
The first one seemed to be at my friend's house, where I've never been, so it must have been a construct of what I thought a Home should be - which seemed a warm and happy space with friends gathered and enjoying each other's company. A group of people were hanging out waiting to go somewhere or do something (it's been more than a week since this one, and I didn't write it down). The ex and I were flirting, and I felt that flippy butterfly feeling in my stomach as we found corners to hide behind and kiss where the rest of the folks couldn't see us. It was nice to see him smiling, and making eyes at me (even if it was a dream). It must have been a snowstorm, and he and his crew were all geared up and about to go out and do what they do, and maybe we were all hunkering down to wait the storm out, and were feeding them and wishing them well, as we wouldn't be seeing them for a few days. I'm not sure why this particular girlfriend was the one who's house we were at...she and ex have never inhabited the same physical space, and have no connection to each other.
Last night, I dreamt that the same girlfriend and I (and some other chick I didn't know) were wandering through the mostly abandoned hallways of some old university, climbing out windows and sliding down construction tarps to crawl through holes between walls to get to a space where there was a party going on. I think my ex had been hanging out with us, but went on to the party while we met up with my cousin who showed up with the dog she had when I was I kid, and I couldn't believe she was still alive (she would have been almost 40!), but I hugged and loved her nonetheless (the dog, not the cousin). We didn't quite know where the party was, so this other chick showed us how to get there - along this bizarrely circuitous route. She was running ahead, and we were trying to keep up, but we lost her, at which point it turned out my friend knew the way and we got there regardless, just along what we thought was a unnecessarily long detour. When we found the party, ex was there, hanging out by himself looking surly, and I went to him and reminded him of how he was like this character in a movie he turned me on to, except for the part where the dude in the movie got shot. He seemd edgy or uneasy, but I reminded him of how much he had taught me, and how much there still was to learn. He seemed doubtful, but I adored him all the more as he threw an arm over my shoulder in that way that guys have to show they've 'claimed' you, and held me like something he had a responsibility to protect, and was concerned about his ability to do so. Or rather, his ability to continue to want to.
Wonder what's up with this? Why that high school girlfriend? What does she represent to me? She's adorable, perky, was a good student involved in activities, had an active social life, and a good group of tight friends. There was some stuff going on at home with her parents, but nothing out of the ordinary, and while we lost touch for many years, she seems to have a good life going for her now, with a career, a good husband, wonderful kids, and a heart that just seems to get bigger and fills me with respect for her values. Obviously, I don't know what goes on with her behind closed doors (we're not that close), but she's got to be representative (in my dream) of some sort of ideal, right? A motherly influence, maybe? An example to live by?
And what about ex? I adore him - always have - but why am I dreaming of him in a romantic way? Is it him I really want, or just the idea of who I want him to be? And what does that mean, anyway? He can only be who he is, and he's never pretended to be anything but that, so am I romanticising him? Because I'm so lonely? Sex-starved? This kid I knew once said that I 'couldn't keep a man', and while I was highly insulted by his statement, I thought to myself, "is it that I can't, or that I've never really had one worth keeping?" If I wanted to keep one, I would have, right? Maybe it's just that the men I've been with have no intentions of keeping me, either. At this point in my life, I'm not sure it's even possible anymore - I'm so used to being alone, and being in charge of my own things, I'm not rightly sure I could even share. Especially when it comes to my kid...
These dreams have got me thinking, though I'm not sure about what. What I'm missing? What I lack? What I want? Who I want it with? Either way, it's got the ex on my mind, and how good things were when they were good. I miss being in love with someone worth my affection, though I don't miss being hurt by someone I chose to trust. Maybe I'm just thinking about how much better things could have been if we'd been able to work through the bullshit, but were too naive to know how, or that it was even worth the effort. Again, that's on me - I have no idea how he feels, and it's not a subject we discuss. Besides, I believe in there being more than what we had - a true partnership on a multitude of levels, and that's what I seem to be holding out for. A synergetic partnership that would heighten the levels of both our awareness. And my need to be non-monogamous - my dream of having two husbands and a wife - how does that come to be?
Saadi of Shiraz, a Sufi author from the 13th century once wrote: When a man's sleep is better than his waking - It is better that he should die. Why these dreams remind me of this saying, I could guess - but dying now, while my son is just a wee lad would suck beyond all reason. Perhaps, as is the point of mysticism, if looked at figuratively, what I can surmise from this connection in my head is that I should be taking steps to create the waking life that I want for myself rather than living in these nebulous dreams.