lessons

and in those moments, when the plan becomes clear

shoulders release and neck rolls

down your spine to

shimmy your hips

in the garden

"bro, 

let's build a house 

on the parents' farm.  

for our generations."

lesson.

 

to be fair, I got to smoke some weed the other day, for the first time since smoking the last hit in my stash from Vermont.  lit the bat as soon as the exit appeared on the road to the airport, and put it in my purse where it's been since then.  I know the airport security dog was looking at me and it definitely made me nervous, but I was looking back at her, and she didn't seem concerned enough about me to alert her humans who were having what I assumed to be their regular morning work chat.  so I basically went 'cold turkey' for the past 3 1/2 months from being a chronic smoker most of my adult life to no attitude adjustment at all.  how about that?  

 

 

honestly it seemed like a good idea to have my head on as straight as possible while trying to immigrate to another country, and I'm glad I have, but MAN.  I've had some tense moments.  enough that I've considered buying some alcohol just to have enough to drink with my dinner to loosen up a little.  I guess I still - and will always - prefer weed over alcohol, since that summer of...1985?

when I smell herb on the streets I'll look around to see if I can catch a vibe off of whoever's smoking it, if I can even find them on the sidewalk, or sitting at a table as I'm walking past.  obviously by my writing it, that hadn't happened yet.  I had the opportunity to hop on a bus tour for 15nis ($4 and change), so I went.  we were stopped to patronize the local breakfast joint when I smelled that particular perfume on my way back to the bus, so I walked over and asked the folks if I could hit what they were smoking, and they gave me the tail end of their joint.  hoo-rah.

 

 

and my lift arrived, and my staffs - wrapped in my tapestries - were missing, and I was losing my mind so I called the international shippers and lost my mind on them, then called the Vermont shippers and left them a piece of whatever might have been left.  and to both of their credit, my missing pieces was located quickly, and plans are being made on how to get them to me as soon as possible.  I am incredibly pleased to have the emotional hug of seeing my treasured belongings on this side of the sea, with a special nod to those that came from here, embodied within them the energies of those I hold dear.  really, the missing package was no big deal, even though it was my whole heart, and I didn't need to yell at them.  I could have asked nicely, and the outcome would have been the same.  lesson.

 

 

 

then I couldn't find my loom which I had been concerned about since before leaving the States.  I told myself I would find it when I opened the box again in Israel, but when I opened the box and searched it, the loom was not there.  luckily, in thinking about where else I might have put it, it was found.  yay!  lesson.

a person on the tourist trip reminded me that we have more power to 'choose our own adventure' than we realize.  and I realize that everything is going to be ok, and I am going to make my way and fulfill my purpose here.  everything I've done and experienced up until this moment has led me here.  To The Promised Land, lol!  trust the process.  I have some more healing to do.  lesson ~

I'm so proud of me.

☆  ★ ☀ ✨🌕✨ ☀ ★  ☆

 

just keep swimming...

 

 

for those who have been following along, I'll start out by saying that I did finally finish cleaning the bathroom, the switch plates, both sides of the front door of my apartment, and rearranged my suitcases so my clothes and other various items are now more accessible.  it's definitely time to do more laundry and I'm not looking forward to it, but I bought a drying rack so at least I can forgo the dryer this time, though that was the least expensive part of the process.  so it seems I'm beginning to find my rhythm.  

 

navigating the coin operated laundry was a challenge, but I figured it out eventually.

 

the next steps have been to make sure I'm drinking enough water (not quite), and eating healthy meals at reasonable times (getting there).  because I'm more settled I've been better able to eat something resembling breakfast before I leave in the mornings, and prepare lunches in advance to bring with me to ulpan (Hebrew school), so I'm not starving by the end of class, and have the energy I need to walk home in the afternoons.  taking the bus in the morning gives me more time to get ready as well, because it's a longer walk than it used to be, and I appreciate arriving clean and fresh as opposed to sweaty and scattershot.  walking home in the afternoon is fine for now, though I suspect I will enjoy it less as the season progresses and temperatures rise.  I'll just have to see how it goes. 

for whatever reason - maybe the heat, maybe just because it was time - I laced up my running shoes and started the Couch to 5k program again.  I found the program during our covid lockdown and completed it twice so far, and even started the C210k program, but I fell off of my running game after my mother died, and haven't been able to be consistent about exercise for the four years since then.  I guess walking back and forth to ulpan was what got me started, and since Ive been settling in to my apartment I've felt safe enough to just...get ready, head out the door, and go.  it's funny, there's a saying that goes "start your run before you're fully awake so by the time your brain figures out what you're doing, you're already a mile down the road", and I guess my first day back was kind of like that.  I'm fat, so it's embarrassing to think about being seen flopping down the road at my snail's pace, in an outfit I wouldn't want to be caught dead in, which is just leggings and a tank top.  it's a pretty standard outfit for a lot of people, but because I'm so overweight, I prefer to try and camouflage my big belly as best I can.

 

 

when I crossed paths with another human, I thought, "omg, what must I look like?!"  while also realizing what a blessing it is that I don't have a full length mirror, because if I did, I probably never would have been able to get out the door.  that's been one of my 'city living' lessons - learning that everyone is just out there living their lives without regard for how they come across, and to not be so self-conscious about myself because no one is even paying me any mind.  it's quite different from the small town living I've done for decades where everyone is watching your every move so they can all gossip to each other about you, and people think they know who you are without ever once having said hello.  I even caught myself trying to catch glimpses of myself in store windows as I passed so I could judge my own hideousness, and thankfully I wasn't really able to.

 

 

because I've gone running three times this week I decided to check my blood sugar, which was still higher than it should be, even though it's lower than it's been in a long time.  before I could prematurely credit it to the exercise, I remembered that I started doubling up on my medication (as per the suggestion of my American doctor before I made Aliyah) after the disastrous appointment I had with an Israeli doctor who wanted to put me on several medications including injectable insulin, which I flatly refused.  I got it under control by reigning in my diet and committing to exercise once before, and I'm convinced I can do it again, so...I'm doing it as best I can.

another important component of living in my own place is figuring out how the recycling works here in Israel.  I don't read or understand the language well enough to figure out which things go where, even with taking pictures of the public bins and running them through google translate.  and I HATE throwing out recycling, but I've been doing it simply because I didn't have a place to store it up while I figured it out.  now I do.  I looked up which colored bins are for what items, and have been diligently separating them into their respective categories via colored 'sackeet' (plastic shopping bags).  and since I've been running, I now know where the various bins are located! 

 

this is a rando internet pic - in my neighborhood we have orange, purple, blue, a bin for cardboard, and either green or grey garbage bins.

I think I may have been offered a job, though I haven't been able to get back in touch with the lady I spoke to about it.  she did give me the address of the office where I would need to go to fill out the required paperwork, so I'm planning to just show up there on the next business day (tomorrow) and see how that goes.  and now that I have a good routine with ulpan, cooking and eating, and running, I'm curious to see if I can keep it up while adding a job to the mix.  next on my to-do list is to go back to the doctor and see if we can't straighten out my health care, because I will eventually need more medication (until I don't, which is my diet & exercise goal).  I'm also going to have to start thinking about what I want to use for shampoo, conditioner, and moisturizer when the stuff I brought from the US runs out, without resorting to shopping on amazon, because I prefer to support local businesses by shopping in my community over making a billionaire richer.  and the number of people who come to Israel expecting it to be 'little America' and have all their favorite American things instead of doing and being Israeli pisses me All the way off.  

there was an email from the shipping company informing me that my belongings have arrived at the port, that it will take a few days to clear customs, and a few more days to fill a truck with 'partial shipments' to be delivered to their final destinations.  so I'm hoping to be reunited with my beloved items in about two weeks, and I'm doing my best to be patient.  it's going to be jam-packed in here when it does arrive, and I don't know how I'm going to arrange it all...it's definitely going to be a process.  I'm looking forward to having my big soup pot, but how will I make soup in it with the little electric cooker?  and now that I'm cooking meals and running again, I've been logging my meals on MyNetDiary even though I have no real sense of how many grams of anything I'm cooking or eating, so I regret not sending my food scale, but there were valid reasons to leave it behind.  "I'll get one in Israel" is what I said about a lot of things, not thinking about how much money I invested in building a household over the past 30 years, or how much it would cost to build another one.

 

I'm cooking on an old, beat up one of these.

 

it's definitely not all wine and roses - the apartment is drafty which is fine this time of year, but how will that work in the colder season?  there's a stink pipe in the bathroom for some reason, and I don't even know what to say about that.  the neighbors are not mindful of how much of their mess ends up on my side of the meerpeset, or how much their dog barks when they're out (going on three hours, now).  and as happy as I am with being by myself, will I ever make some friends to hang out with?  I feel like I've been here forever, but it's only been three months, and there's still a lot to learn and do before I'm 100% settled, and speaking more Hebrew than English.  I'm certainly looking forward to that day, and maybe once I have a better handle on the language I'll be able to be more social with people, who knows?  I really am happy to stay at home by myself, but it might also be nice to catch a movie and get a meal with someone my own age, too.  here's to hoping!

Home...ish

have you ever gotten to that point while looking for a place to rent that you think "I'm just going to take the next apartment that's even remotely doable"?  well, I did.  after too many text messages back and forth between the landlord, the lady I was subletting from, my 'trusted local resource person', and me, I finally consulted with one of the 'Anglo' facebook groups focused on making smart financial decisions here in Israel about the landlord's ongoing and escalating requests for me to rent the place, and the general consensus was RUN - don't walk - away from that deal.  so I went back online, looked up some more apartments, and went to see them.  eventually I decided that all the apartments in my price range were pretty much the same, and that I just needed to pick one, and get on with it.  I've moved around so much in my life, the truth is, I can make ANY place work for me.  even the place with the bathroom that was so small the door wouldn't even open all the way because it hit the toilet, and I had to squeeze between that opening and the sink to stuff myself into the shower space that I couldn't imagine how I'd be able to get myself clean in because I wouldn't be able to move.  the realtor assured me we could have the property manager change the door out for an 'accordion door', and take the glass shower walls out and put in a curtain, which I was almost willing to do, given that the apartment was in the same building I had been staying in, though it was right next door to the barky dog I heard daily, who made me wonder how people kept pets the size he sounded to be in such small spaces.  

then there was the place that wasn't bad size-wise, but the current tenants had a rabbit and the place Stank.  when I opened the kitchen cabinet, there were jukim (Israeli cockroaches), and even the convenience of an elevator wasn't enough to sell me on the amount of cleaning I would need to do to in order to make it livable for me.  there was a decent place in the center of town that was even smaller than the place with the tiny bathroom, and while there happened to be a flood of water flowing down the stairs from the second floor when I went to see it, it wasn't that much of a problem for me...I just didn't know how any of the things from my lift would fit in it.  so, gladly, there was the place with the meerpeset.  now, I Love a good porch, and I realize I didn't share anything in this blog about the fabulous porch I had in Vermont, but it was my happy place during the months when it wasn't buried in snow, and I even went out there when it was, just to stand outside, even though there were only two feet or so or space where it was clear.  the place with the meerpeset is also small, and the price of rent kept fluctuating depending on which of the people involved in my renting it I was talking to, but long story short, I rented it anyway, mostly because I was tired of looking (and the meerpeset!).

 

Vermont porch, winter and summer

 

I 'moved in' on the day the bed I bought was being delivered, which just means I brought my suitcases and foodstuff over from the sublet.  my first order of business when I move in Anywhere is to CLEAN.  I'm a neat freak (thanks Dad), so most spaces don't generally measure up to my standard, and need to be scrubbed before I can even feel comfortable enough to bring in my belongings.  I started with the space underneath the refrigerator, and the fridge itself, then the kitchen counter and some small shelves attached to the wall.  then I moved on to the windows which left a mess on the floor, and I didn't have the tools I needed to clean it, so I went to the 'Jumbo Mart' for a dust pan and broom, a 'magav' (floor squeegee with accompanying stick), 'smartut ritzpah' (floor rags), and a bucket, then looked up some how-to videos on proper 'sponga' technique.  hint:  there are several, and after sweeping, I simply filled the bucket with soapy water, got one of the rags wet, draped it over the magav, and mopped the floor with it, then used a dry one to wipe up any excess water.  it looked Amazing, so of course the landlord came over to remove the last two items of unwanted furniture from the place, and left a mess I assured him I was happy to clean. 

reluctant as I am to buy anything before my lift gets here, I didn't have any bowls, plates, utensils, kitchen towels, or pots and pans, and I know I didn't pack most of those things to send over, so I did have to spend a little money on a few items, and I needed to finish cleaning out the kitchen cabinets before putting them away.  then I scrubbed the meerpeset and both sides of the door, and the bathroom mirror.  I still want to get to some details like the switch plates, the front door, and the vent in the kitchen ceiling, but what I'm really avoiding is the bathroom.  I dug some grossness out from under the cabinet - an old razor, dirty toilet paper, some plastic that may have been package wrapping, who knows.  there was some dark brown 'spray' on the door frame that took some scrubbing to remove, but is gone now, and the walls are all tile so it feels like a big job, to say nothing of the floor, toilet, and shower.  again, it's small, so when I finally commit to spending the hour or so it will take to do the job, I'll wish I had done it sooner, but this whole process of moving overseas, and learning a language well enough to be employable is exhausting, so I need to rest, too. 

scrubbed clean, and ready for plants and other decoration!

 

it's a little weird to have spent 30-some-odd years curating a household just to leave the majority of it behind and start over from scratch, and I'm curious to learn which of the many things I packed will be useful, and which will end up being frivolous - my littlest cast iron pan?  my big soup pot?  all the matching hangers from my closet?  the small trunk of saved baby/child ephemera?  the framed art?  there's much less room here than I had in Vermont, so I'm a bit concerned that I sent too much, and will have to rid myself of even more than I thought I could - the process was pretty painful as it was, and I'm relatively less attached to acquiring and keeping items than most people I've met, though many of the things I did have were either inherited from family, or had been in my possession for decades.  I'm also missing my art supplies, and am looking forward to being able to get back to my projects.  sure, I could get new art supplies, but I'm not spending money on anything that isn't rent or food, so I'm pouring my creative energy into cleaning, thinking about how the things I sent will fit into the space I have, and...honestly, napping.  Hebrew school is on break this week for Passover, so I have more free time than usual, and I'd like to go submerge myself in the sea, if possible.  maybe even visit the cemetery where my parents are buried; a trip I've been wanting to make since the day I landed.

my next project - assuming I finish the cleaning list - is to rearrange my suitcases (again) into something that will work for what my needs are now, as opposed to what they were when I needed to keep moving until I found a place to land.  and seeing as how I just did the laundry, most of what's been washed is now piled up in one of the suitcases in disorder while the others are still packed neatly, yet ineffectually.  for instance:  I can unpack my shoes, now, so I don't have to wear the one pair of sneakers all the time, and put the first aid kit in the bathroom cabinet.  I also think all the towels need to be washed, along with the blanket I was smart enough to pack (otherwise I wouldn't have had anything to sleep under for the past few weeks).  doing the laundry turned out to be Very expensive - almost $32 for two washes and one dry - so I'm not looking forward to doing more.  we'll see...as I've been saying about just about everything, live and learn.  that's what I'm doing here.  living and learning.

 

 

Shabbat Shalo...zzzz.

I'm really tired this week.  my regular Friday routine of cleaning and cooking didn't happen because I could barely stay awake.  in fact, I hardly moved off the bed other than to go to the bathroom, or peek into the fridge looking for snacks.  I spent too much time on social media, and even though I made it a point to spend time playing with watercolors, it wasn't really keeping me engaged.  there are too many emails in my inbox, and too many papers for me to read and forms to fill out, along with studying and homework to do, and I'm feeling overwhelmed again.  while I'm still so grateful for a place to feel grounded for a minute, I feel it's going to come to an end without turning into a long term situation, and that I should already be on the hunt for my next place to land.  and I miss having people to talk to - not social media people, real people.  not that the folks on social media aren't 'real', they're just not engaged with me in my day to day life, and in most cases, I don't even know them to engage with them.  they're like 'stand-in friends' until I can make new ones in my local community, even though I know how hard that is at my age, and again, due to social media, for people of ANY age.  talking beats texting any and every day of the week for me.

one of the things that was nailing me to the bed was that I overate - something I do when I'm stressed, sad, or lonely, and I happen to be all three of those at the moment.  it's like I don't have an 'off' switch, and once I get going, I can't seem to stop.  I don't mean to eat an entire pint of ice cream, and yet somehow I find myself scraping out the last bits of the container anyway.  I don't mean to eat every last French fry on the plate, and even though I'm already full, I keep reaching for more.  now, I know that neither the ice cream nor the fries are going to solve any of the issues that are contributing to my stressed/sad/lonely, and are in fact more likely exacerbate them, but...I'm not eating because I'm hungry.  it sometimes surprises me how much I can eat and I wonder if 'normal' people can and do eat that much.  but it doesn't always feel good - it often doesn't feel good - and I have to wait until I've managed to digest most of it before I feel comfortable enough to rest properly, or go back to feeling like a human rather than a baby elephant.  

it's not like I don't have enough things to keep me occupied, it's more like the amount of things I need to be actively working on are so daunting that I'd rather drown myself in food than deal with any of them.  it's a temporary fix - a coping technique that only works in the moment to calm and soothe me, and then comes back around to bite me in the ass (in more ways than one) as soon as I've finished binging.  and I call it 'self-soothing' when it's more at 'self-harming', just like cutting, purging, and the use of hard drugs or alcohol.  when I was working with folks who struggled with their own addiction issues, they would say I didn't understand because I wasn't an addict.  and while that may be true in one sense, in another, I am in my way working through the same behaviors they were/are.  and it takes the same kind of strength and support to overcome and change those behaviors, one of the biggest being access to safe and permanent housing.

which brings me to another reason I wasn't feeling the motivation to clean this week - I didn't feel like using the little energy I had to spiff up a place I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in or not.  I cleaned out part of the refrigerator when I first got here because it was dirty beyond what I could feel comfortable putting my groceries in, and I also didn't want to step past any boundaries I didn't know about yet.  so I just use the clean spaces I made, and have left the rest the way I found it.  at this point, though, I've been here two weeks and have started to trash the food the tenant left in the fridge that has begun to rot, so I'll probably clean another section, soon.  the same goes for the bathroom - I'm the only one using it, so anything that needs cleaning in there is my mess - not there's anything resembling a mess in there other than the tenant's pile of stored crap in the corner.  if I get to stay, I'll be making better use of that space, for sure!

we are all of us between seasonal eclipses, just past the Spring Equinox and the change in season,  and in the grips of retrogrades and other astrological happenings, which can have an affect on me, too (probably most of us, but I know a lot of people don't 'believe' in astrology).  there's also still a war all around us in Israel, and the collective mourning for our hostages both alive and dead that we are longing to have returned to us.  things in the US are crazy as well, and while I don't live there anymore, a lot of people I care about do, and I'm sad and scared for them in ways I'm not worried about for myself.  it's been relatively easy for me to divorce myself from what's going on there because there's plenty to learn about what's going on over here past the headlines and news reports.  for instance - after the alert for a rocket attack the other morning, there were SO many angry comments on the municipality's facebook page about the public shelters being locked when parents who were in the park playing with their kids ran to them, only to find themselves stuck outside without protection.  they accused the mayor of closing them to save money, and that's not the sort of thing that is reported on the news channels I've been watching.  and it's good to know who my representatives are, because at some point, I'm probably going to be asked to vote on something, and I like to be informed about what I'm voting for/about.

I have the day off of ulpan (school) today, and I'm not feeling as awful as I was a few days ago when I started this post, so I'm going to try and catch up on at least a few of the things I've been avoiding.  we'll see how far I get, because I'm also prioritizing rest, as I'm still feeling ridiculously low on energy.  the nice lady who is letting me stay in her apartment finally decided it was time to tell the landlord that she was leaving, and that she found someone who not only wants to take over her contract, but wants to stay long term.  in response, he said he was going to raise the rent, but that he was willing to 'talk to me', which I hope means 'rent to me'.  I had a moment of remorse, because I was willing to take the apartment at the current rent, and when I looked online for apartments renting for what he's raising it to, I thought I might be able to get a better (bigger, nicer, better appointed) place.  but after chatting with a few (two) people, I decided that not only did I not have the energy to do another round of calling about and going to see more apartments, I kind of owe it to the woman who let me stay here with the understanding that I WAS willing to help her get out of her contract by letting her landlord know she had a tenant lined up for him.

so hopefully I'm going to be staying, hopefully for at least a year, and if I want something better at the end of my contract, than I'll probably be in a better position to figure out what and where that might be.  and if I can tick that one item off the to-do list, than it's possible I'll have more space to tackle the next most daunting thing on that list.  tasks like sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, and preparing/cooking food are just regular every day chores where I'm falling behind, and only take a few minutes to catch up on.  the bathroom may take a little longer, but also isn't much of a problem.  the paperwork is really the biggest challenge, and the fridge is pretty gross, but other than that, I really just need to spend more time studying and improving my language skills so I can get a decent job to keep the bills paid.  once my lift arrives, there will be new and exciting things to work out, so it really is best if I get the place in order now to minimize the stress I may feel then.

to work, then, my friends!  unless I need a snack and a nap first...

 

Finding My Place

while there are more housing options for me here than there were in the US, I have yet to rent an apartment.  I really liked the first place I looked at, but even with the help of several people, it was just not to be.  after another round of looking to see what was available, I kind of liked the place with the yard, ceiling fan, and full size stove/oven even though it's a bit out of the way, and I also liked the little place in the middle of the city with the big bright windows, that has a bus stop right out front, and is convenient to all the places I tend to frequent.  the nice man who showed me the out of the way place seemed willing to help me with just about anything and everything in that Israeli 'I know a guy' way, and the woman who showed me her cute little 3rd floor walk-up in the middle of town was willing to let me sublet for about a month, so here I am!  it's been incredibly helpful to have some space to myself for a set amount of time so I can work on providing some of the things I've been missing or slacking on for weeks, like eating well, and hydrating properly.

 

mmm, stir-fry!
best I could do with what I had, and it was good.

 

 

it's great to have some privacy, my own bathroom and kitchen, a large, firm bed, and a HOT shower whenever I want one, among other things.  I'm hoping with all my heart that this could turn into a long term rental for me.  it's not perfect, but it will absolutely do.  I'd be happy to be here for at least my first year in Israel, until I know the language better, have a decent income, and know more about where I want to settle more permanently if it's not in this particular city.  who knows - if I manage to make a good enough living, it's possible that I could afford something even better by then!  in the event I don't get to stay past the few weeks I've been promised here, there will still be enough time to find another place, possibly even the one with the stove and the yard, if someone hasn't snatched it up yet.  given that my 'lift' (the things I shipped over from the US) should be here right around that time, I'm doing my best to trust the timeline and the process.  things tend to work out the way they're supposed to for me, and I'm keeping my energy attuned to this being the right timeline and process.

 

a walk on the beach yielded several 'hag stones'.  I found one many years ago, and hadn't found another one since.  it felt like a very good omen to me.

 

so, since I'm settled enough for the moment, I've been able to turn my attention towards looking for a job in earnest, and I sent out quite a few resumes, and responded to lots of job offers this week.  I had one interview so far that went fine, but the job was two hours away...they haven't called me back, so I guess it's a no-go, even though I said I'd be willing to relocate, even though I'm not really willing to relocate.  hey, if it was absolutely the right fit, who knows, I might.  someone in one of the agencies that makes sure new immigrants are doing okay mentioned that I could probably move all the way down south to live and work in a hotel for a year, and while I said I'd keep that idea on the back-burner in case of emergency, literally nothing about that idea appeals to me.  I've been to the town they had mentioned as a 'tourist', and honestly I think it would suck to live and work there.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sold on being where I am, especially after already being here for almost two months, and getting into the vibe of this place as I'm finding my way around much better than I ever have before (my family used to have an apartment here until I was a teen, so whenever we came to visit, this city was home).

 

the street where we lived back in the day ~

 

I may have another interview tomorrow, but I haven't heard back about that yet.  it was a holiday weekend here, so I'm really not sweating it at the moment.  one of the positions I applied for sounded pretty much like my dream job, though I'm fully aware that my language skills are probably lacking to be able to be 100%  effective at it at the moment, but as I'm so fond of saying - Who Knows?  maybe I'm EXACTLY who they want and need, or maybe I Will be some time in the near future.  there are just so many possibilities always opening up, and I'm keeping myself open to receiving them.  it's so much easier to do when my belly is full from a healthy home cooked meal, I've had enough water to drink, I'm showered, and rested.  I even had incredibly vivid dreams last night featuring my ex-bestie and his family...it was nice to see them, and I hope everything is going well for him.  it inspired me to try and reach out, though I lost his number and am not sure he's on social media.  he has two profiles that come up when I search his name, but they don't seem particularly active, and the profile pics on both of them were posted around 8 years ago, with no other activity showing.  whether or not he wants to talk to me, I just hope he's ok.

it's a fresh new week tomorrow, and I need to study for language class, look to see what's available in terms of jobs and apartments, and plan some healthy meals to cook.  it's So Nice to have this place to be in for the time being, and I'm going to make the most of it.  I keep forgetting to pull my moisturizer out of the locked suitcase as my skin is desperate for some nourishment as well, though it's looking better just from the increase in my water intake.  and I treated myself to a pedicure since I didn't have to pay an arm and a leg to stay somewhere less than great.  in my head I'm picturing the Magic 8-ball my son got me for Hannukah ages ago landing on the phrase, 'signs point to yes'!  feet pics are weird and gross (my opinion), but I want to share the joyful vibrancy of the nail color on my toes, so...enjoy!  and have a great week!

 

 

Making Aliyah

I feel incredibly blessed to have made Aliyah on my Zayde's and my 'shared' birthdays - my flight from the States was the day after my birthday, and I landed in Israel on my Zayde's birthday.  there are so many signs pointing to this being the right thing for me to be doing, even though it's been HARD.  harder than I thought?  I can't say...I don't know if I thought about how hard it may or not have been before I left, just that going was the right thing for me to do.  and even though it's been HARD, I'm still so grateful to be here in Israel, and have no intentions of doing anything but staying, and figuring out how to make it work the way I usually do, and looking back at these HARD times from a place of gratitude and plenty.

 

 

Having booked an Airbnb for a full month, thinking I would find a job and an apartment quickly, I spent most of that time running around between ministry offices, the bank, the Hebrew school, the bus station, the health service, and various mini-markets and grocery stores.  there was a minute when I thought I had found a place, on my last day in the Airbnb, but after stringing me along for a week while adding more and more conditions to my renting the place, the landlady finally refused me.  first she wanted a co-signer, then a co-signer in Israel, then a bank guarantee, then bank records from all my bank accounts both here and in the States...it just got to be too much, and at that point, I was a week past my check out date, so had to give my hostess whatever money I had, and leave.  if I had a job, the mean landlady might have rented to me, but so far, no luck there.  I may find that to be the case with all the landlords here, but I still have to try, right?

 

 

I am proud of myself for managing to figure out the buses (in this city, anyway!), which may not seem like a big thing, but I've been living in mostly rural areas for decades, which pretty much requires a car to get around.  I sold the car about a week or so before I left, and it was tough getting where I needed to go for that time, even with my son helping me out with rides, and lending me his car when he could.  the car was also sentimental to me, as it was my mother's car that she gave to us right around the time kid became a teenager, and the one he learned to drive in.  I also lived in it for about 5 months when we first moved to Vermont, and I was having trouble finding an apartment due to the insanity of the housing crisis happening there.  I think it's fair to say the car saved my life in that particular instance, as the late Summer turned to Autumn, and I still didn't have a place by the time the snow began to fly, and the temperatures plummeted.  but that's a different story, and you can read about it in another post.

the state-sponsored Hebrew school is no joke, with classes running 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 months, and I was up for it.  I'm good at school, and even though I could only write in print like a kindergarten kid and started a week behind the rest of the class, I caught right up no problem.  I mean, my script still looks like a child's handwriting, but that will obviously improve with practice.  the issue I had there was this one highly disruptive dude in my class who was making me nuts - I know, I know, I'm an adult and should be passed such judgements or letting a thing like that bother me, but he was just so...predatory that it was making me angry that no one seemed to care, and even indulged his behaviors.  so after I made several complaints about him, I just decided to switch classes.  the new class only meets two days a week, and three days a week every other week.  at first I was bothered by that, thinking I wasn't learning fast enough going full-time, but it's also better because now I have more time for the other things I need to be doing, too.  there's a part of me that tells me I should and can be doing more, and there's another part of me that's saying what I'm doing is A Lot, and it's ok to slow down and take it in smaller chunks.  it all leads to the same place eventually.

 

 

the health service has proven to be a real challenge for me, and it took several visits to not really get anything that I needed done there.  well, that's not entirely true - my cousin did help me set up a follow-up appointment with the doctor after I couldn't make it to the one I had, and failed to navigate the phone menu in order to reschedule it, as well as scheduled an appointment with the dental hygienist after I had made one with the dentist who wasn't who I needed to see (things work a bit differently here).  the doctor's recommendations in response to the results of my bloodwork (and other tests) were somewhat disturbing, with the doctor not only insisting I double my dose of diabetes medication, but that I begin to take insulin as well, along with ordering an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys, a retinopathy, seeing an endocrinologist, a dietician, and throwing in a mammogram to boot.  it was all too much for me, so I did none of that...well, I did double the dose of the diabetes meds I already have, just because it seemed easy enough, though it has been rough on my stomach, which is already having a hard time adjusting to the poor diet I've had since arriving.  then the dental hygienist wouldn't clean my teeth because I'm diabetic, and she needed a note from the doctor, so I walked out of there, too.  maybe I'll get back to it when I'm better adjusted, but I'm struggling to get by at the moment, so I can't handle the additional stress right now.

my diet has been terrible since I've been here, and at this point, I'm subsisting mainly on cottage cheese, hummus, and crackers, with an occasional slice of pizza or falafel thrown in when I can afford it.  the kitchen at the Airbnb was outside, which isn't the worst thing in the world, even when it's windy, rainy, and cold, which it has been often enough to make it problematic for me.  it was also shared with the other guests in the house, so I couldn't always cook when I had the time to, and I didn't necessarily want to eat outdoors, either, especially when the weather was bad.  I wasn't able to plan meals that well until I found a decent grocery store, and even then, by the time I had figured out a routine for myself, my time there was up.  sad to say, I've ended up at McDonald's twice so far just for the simple pleasure of eating indoors on a cold, rainy day.  most of the pizza and falafel places have outdoor seating here, and even the slightly more upscale Italian place my cousin took me to did as well, though it was enclosed with glass so at least the customers were somewhat protected from the elements.  when I left the Airbnb for lack of funds, I ended up at the 'guest house' I'm currently writing from (for one more night) that only has a shared microwave and electric hot plate, both of which gave me large shocks when I touched them, so now I'm afraid of them both.  and the hot plate seems to come and go, as in sometimes it's there, and sometimes it's not, so even if I were brave enough to try and touch it again, I can't count on it being there when and if I want it, anyway.  but in doing my best to adjust to my surrounding, I tried to buy some microwave meals and didn't find any, though I did buy some frozen 'nuggets' - which turned out not to be chicken, but whatever 'plant based' ingredients they were composed of, and who cares, I ate them anyway - and some microwave popcorn.  ridiculous.  

 

if I could read Hebrew better, it would probably have been obvious that these weren't made with actual chicken, though when you're hungry, it hardly matters.

 

on top of that, I'm incredibly dehydrated, and my skin looks like crap.  I know it seems like self-centered whining, especially when there are currently still hostages being held, tortured, and starved by the enemies of my people, and it is.  but how am I helping them by not taking care of myself?  we 'can't pour from an empty cup', and when I feel like crap I'm no good to anyone including me.  four days ago, when I left the Airbnb, I called a bunch of contacts and organizations to tell them I only had enough money to book myself into the cheapest place I could find, and they offered to help me out by paying for a few more days, which means I'm out of here tomorrow morning.  I have no idea where I'm going yet, but I did meet with some social service type people, and when they asked me what I did for work in the US, I told them I did their jobs - working with homeless people, and the various issues that usually accompany that condition.  we'll see how far it gets me in terms of securing a paying job, and a paying job will definitely help with renting an apartment.  and an apartment would give me the ability to radically increase my water intake, and cook myself some healthy and hearty meals, which would in turn help to regulate my digestive issues.  one step at a time.

while I've been here at the 'guest house', I did manage to do the laundry that had piled up at the Airbnb, so at least the clothes in my suitcases are clean and neatly repacked, and I also got a (cold) shower this morning, which helped fix my head a bit.  also, the Airbnb was freezing cold, and the room I'm currently in has a heater, so I've been warm for the first time since I got here without having a hot flash.  I spoke with two people this morning who may have employment for me - one at the welfare department who had a decent suggestion and will get back to me after consulting with her supervisor, and another who has 6 hours a week for me at minimum wage helping someone out after their surgery.  it's not much, but it's something.  I also have a zoom meeting this afternoon with some folks from the organization that helped me get here, so hopefully they'll have some further helpful ideas, including where to stay tomorrow, and into the future.

 

 

when I get so down in the dumps like this, I tend to disconnect from the world - wanting to be alone, not talk to anyone, and wallow in the depression.  so I deactivated my Facebook account because most of the 'real' people I knew deleted me on or around October 7th, because how dare Israelis fight back when we're attacked by murderous terrorists, or during the following year and half (3000 years) of my shouting into the void about it with the only result being more disconnections.  it really kills you inside to face so much hatred, and seeing nothing but that hatred reflected back to me by the Jews/Israelis/Zionists I am connected to on social media is almost as bad as the hate we face from the rest of the world.  it's still beautiful, here.  there are still gorgeous things to see and appreciate every day.  there are plenty of positive interactions I have on the street every day, and I'm still So Glad I made the decision to come, even when it's hard.  I'll be ok eventually.  I always am.  and I'll figure out how to be of use here, because that's what I do.  I believe I'm on the right path, in the right place, at the right time.  I miss my son like crazy, and I continue to pray to my 'network' for his divine protection because that's the most important thing in the world to me - that he succeeds in walking his own path, and that I get to take some small part in it.  other than that, I'm here for my people, forever, in whatever ways they'll have me.  may I find that way soon.

💙