Shabbat Shalom Tarot Reading for Myself!

I had to make the text bigger so I could see it better, ha!

it's been an interesting week, but not really...I just got some news yesterday that was both unexpected and highly disappointing on a number of levels, but we're not going to talk about that now.  today, instead of a community reading, I'm going to be reading for myself so you can see how I work, and then get in touch with me to book a reading for yourself!  sound good?  let's go!

first of all, why do I want a reading?  what's my question?  what burning issue do I want further insight to so I can move more resolutely along my path?  where am I seeking more clarity?  

well...for starters, I'm curious about the timeline for my voyage overseas.  I had originally planned to go in the Spring, but I'd just as soon go now.  why wait?  the sooner I can get this next chapter started, the happier I'll be, really.  part of me wants to honor the wisdom of the plan, and another part of me doesn't want to delay another minute.  and then wrapped up in that 'desperately wanting to get out of here' is the fear and worry about leaving my only offspring behind.  in my heart, I know he'll be fine - that he'll face challenges, that he'll miss me when he needs me, and his fears about my safety all make it painful for me to leave, but he needs the space and isn't yet sure about his future, whereas I'm more certain than ever about where I want to be, and how to get there.  and when I 'get there', what then?  will it be more of the same low-level hustling to make ends barely meet?  or will I finally afford myself the opportunity to explore and expand on the themes I've followed in my artistic practices for all these years?  will I find the freedom and courage to step out of my shell and do what brings me joy?  there's been plenty of signs pointing to my need to realign with my own spiritual practice, and when I remember to do so, it feels good, so...let's see what the cards have to say!

first I need to choose a deck:

 

I went with the fake Russian version of Buckland's Romani Tarot because it's newer to me and I haven't used it that much, and for whatever reason decided to add some whimsy by choosing to use The Kitchen Tarot for clarifying cards, because a dear friend whom I love sent them to me and I hadn't used them yet.  interesting to note that I thought clarifying cards were needed before even starting.

I did a 3 card pull because I'm also writing this blog post and I didn't want to spend the whole day with it, and a 10 card spread can take me hours.

so, while meditating on my upcoming trip, I pulled the first card. 

oh, Two of Swords...perfect.  that feels like I have a hard choice to make.  or maybe not so much hard, but...a choice.  this version of the card is interesting because there are two people in it, he's blindfolded while she appears to have her eyes closed, and they're both facing opposite directions with their arms crossed.  it's Winter but they're not dressed for it, and is she wearing a hood with a jeweled edge?  and who's holding the swords?  they're just kind of sticking out there...on the sides.  weird.  anyway...the longer I stare at the card the more it looks like the woman is massaging the guy's brain, like she's the High Priestess bringing him the intuitive insight he needs to act on one - or the other - of his choices.  it's a stalemate, almost as if the choice itself doesn't matter, just that it gets made.  is it possible that he doesn't have all the information he needs?  that he's missing a part of the puzzle?  or is it better to block his sight in order to focus more clearly on his deepest thoughts? it's a cold image, and makes me slightly uncomfortable, but what it says to me in the context of my question is that when the time comes for me to go, I will go, whether it happens in one month or three.  I'm honestly not sure which I prefer, but sooner does seem to feel a bit better as the snow comes down and it's getting dark already before 4pm.  and honestly, the ONLY thing keeping me here is the adult-ish kid (and the cat). which is the next card, so...

 

 

while thinking deeply about my dear offspring and his ability to fare alone in this shitty town/state/world, it appears I have nothing to fear.  The World card says not only was (am) I a kick-ass mom, I have not one reason to doubt that I have raised an amazing young person.  not that I did that much outside of staying out of my own way in letting the boy be who he is, and at least attempting to nurture as many of his dreams as I could without crushing his soul with my clumsy relationship skills and harsh criticisms.  his ancestors appear to have wrapped him in a cloud of protection against their lack of faith in my ability to keep him safe, for which I am grateful, and I trust that they (and the cat) will continue to watch over him whether or not I continue to beg and plead for them to, though I will continue to pester them forever for their assistance with him, as they're the only village we have. I know I've taught him how to live, and soon will come the proof of that.  I hope the lessons he will be tasked with learning don't hurt too much, and that all signs continue to point towards good for him.

so what of my desire to 'step out of my shell' and really stand in my power?  5 of Swords?  seriously?  this is saying 'yay, I won, but at what cost?'  why would it feel bad to find my place in the world?  will it truly come at the cost of those I hold dear?  this seemed less clear, as I had some trouble holding the question in my mind given the aforementioned disturbing news of the week, which kept sneaking in at the corners.  so...do I 'win' whatever that situation is, but end up doing it in a way that loses me friends?  I don't know, it kind of feels like I already lost what there was to lose, so I might as well go on as I have, which is as if I did.  who cares if the rewards are more than I can carry, I'll share them freely.  it's never just a win for me - if I succeed at something, I end up lifting up others as a result.  if they like me or not.  it's a lonely life, this Aquarian living in a future world we have yet to create.  Swords.  both minor cards were Swords, and me an Air sign.  and that Winter cold where Swords to me feel like Spring...curious deck.

anyway, the message was clear enough, but I wanted to use my friend's gift deck so I went ahead and asked for clarity:

ha ha!  Mom & Apple Pie!  what the hell is that?  aww, it's The Sun card!  it's so cute...there are mini-pies in a 'cosmic pie safe' and they are labeled 'love', 'good health', 'balanced Earth', 'enough moolah', 'family + friends', 'joy', and there's a big pie labeled 'peace'.  there's also a person in an apron holding a large covered pitcher, and a chubby dog sits nearby.  there are other little critters/people just generally chilling and seeming content to be near the open, welcoming vibe of the sweet and abundant Mama energy.  and that definitely brightened up the heavy mood of the Two of Swords, as if to say in a Jewish Mama voice "don't worry darling, it doesn't matter when you go, it just matters that you go!"  and either She will be there to greet me, or I will more fully embody Her when I get there.  or both!  it's a good omen; I like it.

 

 

now for my magical lad - the card I pulled for clarity for him was The Kitchen Timer/The Hanged Man.  meaning - he will face his trials.  as we all must.  and he will be fine.  as blown away as I have been at how energies align for this boy, it makes total sense to me.  it's too much to get into here, more than a blog post of its own, and really kind of personal and private, but maybe I'll share sometime that's not now.  that 'fool' must head towards his own cliff, and see what he's got in his bag of tricks at the end of a stick (see what I did there?  that was a reference to The Fool tarot card as a metaphor for my son's personal journey).  time to let the birdie fly, by leaving him the scant comfort of our nest while I go seek my ends and means elsewhere.  he.  will.  be.  fine.  will I be fine without him?  of course I will, but maybe that's the real question, here.  am I willing to truly believe in both of us enough to know that we'll figure this out, too?

Salt & Pepper as The Magician is interesting, and I guess the longer I think about it, the more it makes sense to me.  in terms of how it relates to the 5 of Swords, it feels like the work done to affect an outcome may have been greater than the loss it took to achieve it.  it feels like the deep regenerative work of creating one's life, to me.  like a whirlwind of possibility about to manifest - the gathering up of elements transmuting synergistically.  it's speaking to this being the right time to use everything I have to do exactly what I've been dreaming of all these years, whatever that may be, I'm not even sure myself.  but I do know, and I should name it rather than hide behind my shyness and pretending I'm nothing.  I have been there and done that, and I took notes.  winner takes all.

as usual, I just need to work up the courage to jump, and the net that I've been weaving since I first had an interesting idea will once again appear under me, and I will keep tying knots until I run out thread.  

I hope you choose to connect with me through my Mysteriam Tarot & Dreamwork fb page, or even here in the comments.  either way, I'm happy to offer you a reading, and learn what we can about your path together.

💙