Crazy Train

well, I went off the rails again, and now I've lost the momentum I managed to build up (what momentum?  you may ask yourself...) by posting once a week, and following a thread that connected each post to the next.  it's kind of pathetic that 2 1/2 days without power and a brief illness could push me so far off kilter.  on the other hand, I randomly decided to attempt to rearrange the furniture, which is Way out of the ordinary for me, because I tend to only see one way for the furniture to go, and that's where I put it, and that's where it stays until I move again.  now, it is well known that I move pretty often, so maybe it has something to do with my not living anywhere long enough to see other possibilities, and now that I've lived in this house for coming on 4 years, I had an idea, so I went with it.  while it's not the greatest design idea, it could still work given a few tweaks, and the real positive result of the action is that it helped move some energy in such a way that I was able to get a lot of work done this weekend.  I still haven't made it to the grocery store, but we'll be going today (soon), and I haven't made it to the bank to make some deposits so I can pay my bills.

ugh...it's several days later, again, and now I just want to scrap this crappy post altogether, and skip it for this week because it's stupid and fruitless.  I mean, I was posting on Mondays, then I didn't finish a few posts on Monday, so I posted on Tuesdays, then last week I posted on Friday, and here it is Thursday already with nothing posted this week so far.  again, I don't have much to say, other than I'm a hot mess, as usual.  the furniture rearrange hasn't quite worked out effectively, because the (antique Chinese lacquer with cloisonne top) stool I gave myself to sit on while working at the vintage chess table (I tried using it as a desk) is too hard and hurt my butt.  so I'm back to my computer desk where there isn't enough room for my notebook full of lists, or the paperwork I need to be paying attention to, but there is a comfy office chair.  I've had a decent amount of work this week, so while that's something worth doing, it hasn't paid all that well, which is disappointing.

so what to say?  why say anything?  because it's my way of organizing myself?  because it gives me a record to look back on and determine how far I've come?  to see what I've accomplished and failed at?  to force myself to sit here and see the task through because it's what I've decided I need to do?  just for me - to be clear, I like when people read and respond, but they hardly ever respond, though I can see how many read.  blogger is kind enough to not only tell me how many people are reading my blog, but from what towns in what countries, too, so I have a decent idea of who my local stalkers are, and who's spreading the gossip.  it's fine - I put it out there, and pretty soon, I'm going to post a 'wish list' and/or a tip jar, so if you're using my words to jazz up your own life, or write your own stories (or simply enjoy this blog), feel free to compensate me by sharing your monetary success earned at my expense.  it's truly the least you can do.  why do I think people might be plagiarizing my work?  because it's happened before.  there was a website where I used to share my photography until I found out they were just using my images for their own purposes.  so - I put myself 'out there', hoping for recognition of my skills and talents (and possibly hearing from kindred spirits), while running the risk of having my work stolen, and used by more nefarious characters than myself for their own intents and purposes.  c'est la vie, non?

sigh...I really haven't got a thing to say this week, but I keep trying.  what's more interesting?  talking about my personal, ongoing battle with social media?  the condition of my house, and my dance to keep up with my ideal of what it should be?  my personal relationships in terms of my mom/family, the teen, my handful of friends, my acquaintances?  my relationship to food/exercise/health?  I often want to share pictures of what my life looks like, but I have no device with which to do so - I mean, I have an actual camera, but shooting film results in the expensive process of having it developed, so I don't really go there.  I would love to get back into the darkroom and refresh my skills with an art I used to love, but that too costs in terms of darkroom fees and such.  I can sometimes borrow the kid's hand-me-down iPhone, but he then has to email me each shot individually, which isn't awful, but does get tedious.  maybe one of these days, I'll have enough steady cash flow to consider joining the modern age in terms of handheld devices...one never knows.  I don't even have a stereo, and that somehow seems more important, though I hear people just listen to music on those all-encompassing devices, nowadays.  the fact that they're 'all-encompassing' seems intrinsically problematic to me, which is the main reason (aside from financial inability) I don't have one.

I really should be doing something much more worthwhile with my time right now, like filling out that paperwork, transcribing for money, proofreading for money, washing my hair, doing some dishes, sorting some of the clutter that's been messing up my flow for most of a year, stretching/exercising/going for a walk, or doing something better with the living room furniture.  oh, and then there are the many creative projects I have sitting on a shelf that may never see a completion date unless I skip back a few weeks in this blog and remind myself what I wrote about that particular personal problem.  I'm considering eating some food, as well, because that's a thing that should happen on the regular, right?  and now that the weather has changed, my left foot has begun swelling up the way it does in the summer lately, which reminds me that the doctor's office called to tell me that it's time for me to come in so they can tell me I'm fat again, and that every complaint I may have stems exclusively from that, which is a blog post in and of itself.  oh well.  enough procrastinating the other stuff by doing this, which is a kind of procrastination itself when it's just a rambling post like it's been the past two weeks with no agenda, no direction, and no artistic flair.  send me all your money, and have a good week - I'll do my best to be back on Monday with something worth posting.  thanks for coming along for the decidedly bumpy ride!

next week:  fat shaming and my personal journey with weight