Thursday, April 8, 2010

Year in Review

Wow, haven't checked in for awhile, but it looks like it's time to get with some 'learning documentation', so on we go...

First off, this blog is now a year old, and I want to go back and check in with what's been happening, and comment on what all's gone down this year.  Secondly, I want to talk about the experience of working on my first creative project of the semester.  I have a feeling that may end up being more than one post...

I created the blog and put a few words up on March 11, but the second post, the April 18th post, was an actual introductory paragraph.  I talked about why I was here; my employer thought I could write a blog for the orchard which turned out to fizzle after just three posts - just one more thing neither one of us felt like dealing with!  I liked the idea of blogging, read a few of my friends' blogs, and I thought it was a neat and easy way to do my evening journaling.  It sounds kind of like talking to myself, which, I guess, is what journaling actually is, in a sense.  But journaling is kind of personal, and while I had it in my head that this was the internet, and that gajillions of people use the internet, it never occured to me that anyone I know would read it!  But they did.  Surprise!  It's o.k., I'm an open book kind of chick, anyway...  A year later, I no longer work at the orchard, but I continue to blog.  There seem to be at least 5 people who claim interest in what I may write here, and I still can't tell where the boundry is between personal and private.

I mean, if I'm journaling, then I'm talking to myself.  Getting down all the little things I want to remember about the day, or just sort of take a mental inventory before I go to bed.  It's processing my feelings around what happened in my day and maybe a plan for a better tomorrow.  Checking in.  But in the back of my mind, I'm keely aware that I'm going to put this out there for other random gajillions to read if they so choose, so I hold back - I don't use names.  If you know me, and you know who my kid's dad is, or who I mean when I refer to my BF, then yeah, you can figure your way past my attempt at protecting the anonymity of people who touch my life, whose actions have an effect on me.  That's been tough to reconcile to myself, but I will continue to work on it.  I feel it's my right to talk about what I need, to ask for help in processing a situation sometimes, and also I need to vent.  So I defend my 'tell most' nature, I think it encourages honest discourse.  Besides, if you've got that much to hide...I'm just sayin'.  Don't get me wrong, I have my stories I don't publicize either, so those of you who are close to me - no worries, your secrets are safe!

Another topic I hit the floor running with was the fact that I had reconnected with someone I used to know who I let myself believe wanted to be my Prince Charming.  Turns out he tells that to all the girls, and I was mad that I let myself fall for it at my age, in my shape!  It brings to the surface a lot of what's going on with me in terms of my weight, body issues, and need for companionship.  I know that people who love me love me no matter what I look like.  I know that a person who is going to be attracted to me will be attracted to my many other fine qualities.  I don't feel completely comfortable in this enlarged skin, and I don't believe I'll really let myself get into a relationship before I do.  It's funny, I wasn't going to have kids because I thought I'd never be able to give them what I call 'the white picket fence', but here I am doing an o.k. job at it anyway!  So maybe if I give up looking for love because I don't think I have the things I need to be a healthy partner, will it find me?  The yearly wrap up on all that is, still fat, still single, still chatting online.  Yay.  I'm starting to think that just knowing what I need to do to get healthy isn't enough.  I think it might be time to join some Weight Watchers type thing, where there are other people to help hold me accountable or something...
When I get my life in order - that's when I'll be ready for a boyfriend (in other words, when I'm dead!).  No, it'll happen when it's right,  I hope.

In that same vein, now would be the time to address the yearly review of the BF - for those who may not know, I mean 'best' friend, not boyfriend, when I speak of this elusive form of wildlife.  He is in the same place doing the same thing, and the only thing that's changed is me finally making good on my claim to just be done with it already.  As I read back over the blog, I realized that I've been saying how sick I am of the relationship we have since the second post - so I guess it shouldn't be any surprise that we had a huge argument and I walked away from it all.  That situation has been looking to blow up for awhile now, and I just have too many other things to focus on that are positive, to let this one big negative drag me down anymore.  It hurts and I'm lonely, but ultimately it's the right thing.  Sigh.  Good time buddies...what it is.  More energy to give to my boyfriend, when the Universe delivers him!

Oh my goodness!  A man in the house?!  No way!!  This place is a MESS!  I remember when Zev was a baby, and I was wondering how women had time to get everything done, and they told me, "let your housework go."  I thought, "no way!"  I couldn't do it.  There was no way I could do it.  Now, 5 years later, I look around my house and think, "this is what it means to let your housework go..."  I don't have one of those homes where there's decaying crap in poorly balanced piles to the ceiling and pathways through the clutter, just the ever-present pile of dirty dishes, and unmopped floors.  Too many jackets on the coat-rack, too many shoes by the door - that kind of mess.  Toys on the coffee table (which is really a trunk), a heap of laundry where I dumped all the dirty sheets, towels and blankets on the living room floor, and where they remain, mocking me as I walk past...  My bathroom and kitchen always need a good scrubbing, and if the laundry isn't lying around being dirty, then it is usually hanging around waiting to get dry, or clean waiting to get folded and/or put away.  I seem to always be in a state of 'between' dirty and clean, which, isn't clean.

On the bright side, I'm down to one more box to empty, and then I'll be completely unpacked for the first time in...I can't remember when.  I think I was fully unpacked for a minute when the boy was small, so just over 4 years ago?  This place was a dump when I moved in, much like many of my previous haunts, but over time and with patience, I have scrubbed and painted and decorated, and now it almost looks like something. Without a doubt, way better than it was, but still, the ongoing struggle with the mess.  Also, the garden looks like it's off to a good start this year, my pansies came back in abundance, and I built a pretty rock wall to replace the ugly bricks.  I dug out some of the giant old hostas to make room for more pretty flowers, and perhaps a shrub.  Just needs a bit of soil to fill in where the hostas were and some mulch, and I think we're good to go!

Well, there's a few more topics I wanted to cover still, but I wasn't intending to write an epic poem or anything, and I have other stuff I need to get to today!  I've spent enough time on this post, I've got the next one ready to go, and the one after that planned as well.  I just wish I had some more images to share...need to work on that!  Anyway, sending love and happiness out into the Universe on this Gorgeous Spring day!  Peace, hippies!  Dear god, I'm listening to Steve Miller...must...change......station.........


  1. It's always very freaky when your real world and your online world first begin to collide. For about two years I avoided telling anyone I knew in real life that I had a blog. I did use our real first names (no last names) and shared pretty freely (especially back then when I did a lot more writing and less photography - and when we had a lot more issues to work through) but it still shocked the hell out of me the first time someone found me and just appeared in my supposed safe space out of the blue.

    I think you're on to something with saying you have to like yourself as you are first - I know that's been very true in my own life. Not for getting the guy, I've already got him, but for fixing what was wrong with us and for beginning to make the changes I needed to make to get healthier. I couldn't even begin to lose weight until I stopped hating who (what) I'd become and learned to love myself again.

    It will all come together for you when the time is right. Believe in that and be open to it when it does.


    One of the five

  2. I, for one, and quite thankful you've decided to write about real stuff rather than the happenings at the orchard. Not for nothing, but your real life is a bit more interesting than apples. As for the guy, you're not the first one to get suckered at our age. Sometimes I think its easier to play me now that I'm older - I'm just not looking out for deception anymore. So no, you're not alone in that.

    As for BF, you know I have such mixed emotions on that one since I know how much you guys depend on each other. If you really decided the relationship is bringing you down, not out of anger, but on a practical level, then you have to do what's best for you. As fond as I am of him, you've been much more patient than the rest of us ever could have been.

    And you know i will always think you're beautiful and fabulous without losing a pound, but if you want to, I've discovered Dan's mid-life crisis bootcamp & nutrition plan. If you're willing to commit to it, I'll have you a skinny bitch in 6 months. (Maybe 3, but I'm skeptical of that claim). Of course, you might hate my guts by the end of it. Let me know if you're interested. I started on Monday and I'd love a partner to share to the misery/joy. Its the natural alternative to anti-depressants.

    Keep on writing. It makes my day. Just change my name if you need to write about me. Call me Big Belinda if you must.
    And it will all happen for you as long as you still go out and enjoy yourself.

  3. I have had a blog for many years then that site was taken down along with all my stored blogs. I love that you are blogging. I use my blog like you do. I write my thoughts like I am talking to me sorting things out. I share personal stuff without names and with depending on the post and nature of the topic. the only difference this time is my blog here doesn't have many follows and I miss the feedback. I used the feedback as a tool before kind of like a guideline. It helped me see things and make corrections if I thought it was needed.

    I agree with Lee that I am glad you decided to write about the real stuff in you life. You have always been a bright spot in my day when we spoke on the phone and back when we were at Brockport. I always loved your writing whether personal, school work or your stores. In fact reading you blog here made me join and start writing my own again. You inspired me!

    As for a boyfriend.. Like Robin said it isn't so much what the body image is. It is about loving yourself and accepting where you are at. I have similar issues with my body. When I found my husband I was thinner and was in a different mind set more confident you could say. As I got older and comfortable in the relationship I wasn't worrying so much about being healthy. And that was a mistake many married people fall into. I married the guy I can let my guard down. Well here I am at 43 wondering how my body got here, have to worry now about health issues and trying to love myself for who I am no matter what. You will get to that point... I used self help books before and I am trying out new areas now.

    The BF thing I can relate to. I have had let a BF go from my life too. The one we talked about on the phone a few times. Kind of explosive as well. I was changing and she well she changed to but not in the same direction. She stopped being the joyful spot in my day to a place I was resistant to going or sharing with for fear of her attacking or criticizing me. She no longer had my back she was constantly working against my thoughts and she was in my mind jealous. No relationship BF, husband, boyfriend or friend should ever be a cause for negative energy in your life. You are right to put your focus on the positive things you have in your life right now. It will hurt but as the positive things get rolling along you will notice it less.

    I know like Robin and Lee have said it will all come together for you because you have always had a way about you to make things work. When the time is right a man will enter your life you will have the friends you need that help the positive energy flow and you body image will be alright whatever it is.. Change what you need and love yourself as we do a beautiful and fabulous woman! I love your blogs keep writing them... And if time permits you peak at mine from time to time.

    Love you Miriam.

  4. my blog is:


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