"How I Spent My Summer Vacation"

It was such a busy Summer, I hardly posted here at all! We went camping twice (PA and upstate NY), spent 10 days in Vermont, many days at the waterpark, and a couple at the Renaissance Festival.  Here are some of the highlights:

love this one

straight out of the Blackberry

messed with

renfair

rraahhh!

new favorite puppet

us

oh, and the little darling wrote me a book!  get a copy - only $7!  Seriously!

As you can see, all I ever point my lens at these days is my beautiful boy!  While he's quite photogenic, it does make me realize I need to reclaim my personal creativity a bit, and remember to take time to just shoot.  We are about to move (again) and the boy will be switching to a new school one month into the school year, which is a shame, but it's the right thing to do because of personal issues that I will most likely address in a forthcoming post...  Keeping my fingers crossed for things to be settling down in a few more weeks, and that I will be able to get back into the routine of posting with more regularity.  Hope you all had as much fun as we did, and that you're looking forward to Autumn as much as I am!  Oh, and buy a copy of my kid's book - it's really fun!

(^_^)

residency

Wow.  Well.   Home again.  I was only gone 10 days, but it seems like a different world.  Sitting in discussion all day with like-minded individuals, reaching to form connections between the work we do, the ways in which we understand it, and how it relates to the world at large outside of our picturesque New England bubble.  Fantastic..!  Now I'm here, in my apartment, wishing I was living there, holding on to the excitement and inspiration of a Goddard residency, thinking about how I can relate all that great information to my daily life, experience and practice.  I can already feel the ennui sinking in - we got home last night at midnight, I went to bed at 2 - as I sit in front of the computer doing nothing productive, and the boy plays alone in the other room, neither of us having had a proper anything to eat, or stuck our heads out the door to sniff at the sunshine yet today.  To be fair, we're pretty road-tired, and there's nothing wrong with taking a day to sit around in your underwear doing nothing but what you're moved to from one minute to the next, but I don't want to lose the momentum of being intensely engaged with my work all day, every day.  I had such a desire to get home so I could start hammering out some pages, saw the whole project laid out in my mind all tied up with a little bow and more work still to come - so I feel a need to overcome the comfort of 'things', and the enticement of easy distraction my apartment offers before I can even begin to fall into the abyss.  Just turn my back on it, and walk away.  Step one:  take it out of the bedroom...

It was also wonderful just to be in Vermont and go visiting, hang out with folks, eat at P-Pie (the Plainfield location, which is much more hippie hideaway than the website makes it out to be) and Coffee Corner, look at For Rent signs, check out the creative projects my friends are working on, get in the water at Paradise.  I saw that dude I slammed in an earlier post walking around town, and he crossed the street to avoid saying hello to me, which is weird, because he still attempts to flirt with me via IM on occasion, but I'm glad he did because I didn't feel like talking to him, either!  The boy had a great time shopping at Woodbury Mountain Toys, getting a dragon painted on his arm at the Montpelier farmer's market, and four-wheelin' up on the mountain with his dad!   We also stopped in to one of the glassblowing studios I used to work at, and watched the apprentice blow a few pieces.  Big fun all around!  Vermont rocks, and I sure would love to find my way back there soon enough.  We'll see what life has in store, just flow with the program, let the river run.  There's a whole pile of people I didn't get to see, which leads me to believe I may have a more active social life if I moved back there, but the pull of family is kind of strong - though ideally elastic and malleable, so one can attempt to stretch it, as I have, with varying results. We'll see, we'll see...no need to figure it all out today, there's a lot of work that needs to be done between now and then.  Step two:  break the work down into sections and set a schedule.

Ugh.  I want to crawl right back in bed and go to sleep.  I need to get up and carpe diem (at 6pm)...and I'm hungry.  Step three:  enjoy my success!

...it's all about family

So, I wanted to write about my experience at High Valley, where I went camping with a bunch of old friends a few weeks ago.  They said we had all camped there before, but I didn't remember.  After we'd been there a few hours, once it got dark, I started having flashes, bits and pieces of time out of my life that had disappeared, returning in manageable, non-lethal doses.  I asked, "was someone married here, under this tree?"  Yes, someone was... 

15 or so years ago, I took my chucks off when I made camp, and set them next to the tent where they remained for...who knows, really?  It was three days of what must have been big fun because as I said, I have no memory of it, except for a blurry mental snapshot of a bride under a tree, my chucks, and parts of a slam-damning awesome ritual!  I remember taking my tent down that last morning, or early afternoon, packing up the car and heading off for a new adventure.  I'm sure my friends wished me well, because, well, they're still my friends, and all our kids just played together for the first time at High Valley this Summer.  I got in my car and drove to Vermont, where I lived for 12 years.  About halfway there, I realized that my chucks where exactly where I had put them that first day of the camp out - on the grass, next to the corner of the tent by the door.  I thought about them laying out there in the field, next to the fading square of the tent's dented grass footprint, and I acknowledged their loss.

Standing there recently, seeing that tree again in the moonlight, remembering the bride under it, I said, "this is where I lost my chucks all those years ago, where we had the awesome ritual!  Yes, I have been here before, now I remember!  This is where I left for Vermont from...wow.  Wow!...wow...and here I am again.  All these years later, with all of you, and our kids...wow."  Mind blowing.

Tonight, I was sitting in the yard, looking for meteors - hey, I saw one last night! - and I thought about my idea of a functional family unit.   In a roomy living space for lots of people that also affords privacy on a proportionately sized piece of land, we would produce minimal amounts of trash by recycling or reusing everything including water (living machines), grow some food to eat and flowers to enjoy, build some useful stuff, be multi-generational, warm and supportive of each other.  We could help empower our community by helping them learn how to nurture their talents for coping and surviving through healing and communication, or whatever suits them best.  I know, it's a utopian dream, but it's not too much to hope for, to live intentionally, like a tribe, each relying on the other. 

Because here I am, back in NY, back at High Valley, 15 years later, kids and all, at the place where I began an important journey, with the same folks who sent me off with their blessings.  What have I brought back for them?  A desire to preserve their culture, to make books and stories.  To tell them, to inform them, to entertain, question and inspire them.  I who gave up or lost everything so I could see what was needed.  Or, I, who took all I could and gave nothing back, never struggled a day in my life, who had more on my worst day than some people have on their best.  Me.  What is it that I've brought back?  Part of it is the wisdom of Bucky Fuller saying there is enough on this planet for ALL of us, for each and every one of us to live our fullest lives, but we have to work for it.  If we do everything we can to ensure the survival of our environment (or organism), than it will ensure ours as well.  I don't want to lose the old arts, we'll need them again.  This is my gift to you ~

Summer Stock Sky

What a lovely thing to look up and see...

Summer Stock - Rainbow 2010

For years, my 'best' friend and I would take a 4th of July road trip to the National Rainbow Gathering in whatever national forest it was taking place.  The Rainbow Gathering is a city in the forest created by the tens of thousands of people who attend these things, for the purpose of coming together to celebrate and meditate for our nation.  It is an incredibly healing and joyful journey, and we have traveled to many different state forests to attend, even driving most of the way across the country from NY to Wyoming one Summer.  This Summer, the National was held in the Allegheny National Forest in Pennsylvania, a mere 5+ hour drive away!  It was incredibly exciting for us to embark upon this journey after more than 10 years away (hey, we can't be 20-something hippie freaks forever, can we?  Or can we?), and to be bringing my son along for the first time.  This was the beginning of our road trip:

The hike in was pretty gnarly, and I had to constantly encourage my 6 year old every step of the way that the 5 mile hike was not going to kill him, while trying not to have a heart attack myself - I hadn't taken into account the aging process, and the extra hundred pounds of fat I'm carrying, so I was pretty damn happy when we made it to the Main Meadow, myself!

 

Once we had made camp and settled in, it was an absolutely glorious experience to be among the freaks again, to be loved and cared for like family, because that's what Rainbow is - family.  People hug each other, and say 'lovin' you!' all day long to complete strangers, and make new friends at every turn.  The drumming lasts well into the night, and I haven't slept better on my mattress at home than I did on that forest floor, listening to the celebratory lullaby that I hadn't realized how much I'd missed.

   

After the Silent Meditation for World Peace on the morning of July 4th, I handed the camera-phone to the kid to see what he would do with it.  I think he took the best shot of the vacation:

Well, okay, it's not a great shot, but it's hopeful and joyous, and communicates the buoyant feeling in the meadow after the serious nature of the morning's activity.  Me, I preferred hanging out in the shade by the river rather than in the blazing hot sun of the open meadow:

The worst part about Rainbow is having to leave all that concentrated, loving kindness behind, and return to the everyday world, where people aren't nearly so kind, and random strangers don't stop you on the street for hugs, or to chat for no reason.  It really makes you think about what's important, and the kind of energy and people you want in your life.  There's always a part of me that's happy to come home (mostly because I need a good, long shower, and want to wash my hair!), but mostly, I can't wait for next year!

(not) the final cut

It seems like a stupid thing, but this song has been bouncing around my head lately, while I've been thinking about how to do this post that's been sitting in my drafts for awhile now.  A friend of mine tried to end their life recently.  I thought I should take a moment to process that.  But the more time goes by, the less sure I am.  Pink Floyd reminds me of being fifteen, and hormonal, and emo - sitting in my room cranking the stereo through my earphones, doing shots of vodka and thinking how sorry the world would be if I could only get numb enough to not feel the pain of the blade on my skin.  But that was dumb teenage shit, and this was crazy mid-life shit.  There's no way I could entertain thoughts of suicide at this point in my life, I'm happy to say, but to learn that someone I spoke to almost everyday was in that much pain and didn't think they could tell me was eye-opening.  My friend called to tell me what happened from the 'retreat', or whatever, probably a psych center, where they were 'til recently, when a bed opened up at a rehab.  Now, I've been through this with my friends before, in various scenarios, so I was able to take the news in stride - "oh, hi, you almost died?  Wow, that kind of sucks to think I may never have spoken to you again, thanks for calling!"  Which brought up the issue of, if this person had succeeded, would their family have thought to call me?  It's such a selfish act, but I think it's one that people have a right to perform, if they so choose.  And selfish - it seems hardly fair to call it that.  Who else has the right to decided what to do with one's own life?  It's selfish, sure, but we are in this life to serve ourselves in some form or another, aren't we?  Can't we decide that we would be best served, or that our community would be best served by offering up our own sacrifice?  What about the cry for help thing?  That they don't really want to die, they just want help?  I dunno.  I'm sure it's different for everyone, but in the case of my friend, I honestly think success was not the intent.  Maybe they thought it was at the time, and I'm just talking out of turn, but I think people get so far down, they just give up.  Or maybe they don't know themselves well enough, or don't have a strong enough connection to the Absolute, or have undealt with pain in their past, or just get addicted to the wrong drug.  Get caught in the wrong cycle, and it will bring you down.  I look at my own wounds, which are light years away from suicide, but they are the evidence of my inattention to my own inner conflicts, and my choice to continue to make poor choices on my own behalf.  Maybe what my friend lacked was a healthier option to say to the community, "Look, I fucked up!  I'm down and dirty and undeserving, and feel like the best thing I can do is die - please help me!"  Would that have helped?  Shouldn't we be allowed to 'just give up' every now and again?  Throw our hands up in the air and say, "fuck it!  I give up!"  and then walk off into the sunset for a few?  Or should I be looking at the stresses that get us feeling that way in the first place?  I think feeling like we need to 'just give up', is an indication that we may need to start talking to someone about our problems.  There have been times in my life when I have decided I needed some support and I got it.  I found it very helpful.  I may need it again, you never know.  What about my lingering doubts, though?  What about the cynical, jaded part of my nature that squints my eyes at criminal behavior to see it better?  What's the angle, here?  It makes my head swim to even go down that rabbit hole...  Though I was trying to process my feelings about suicide, not psycho-analyze the wonderfully sick and twisted people I hang around with.  I think it's stupid and wrong.  I think it hurts people, and if you're in that much pain and can't find a way to manage it, then write us a nice note and go for it, but be neat about it, please.  Don't leave a mess.  I think ether or morphine are ways to go, just trip out on funky purple clouds of sensual hallucinations (well, that's what I imagine happens on ether or morphine, but I have no idea, really...) or whatever combo of pharmaceutical cocktail will take you there.  I think if you attempt suicide and fail, you probably shouldn't be surprised if people get angry with you.  I can't help but think of what was going through my own head when I was an angsty teen, getting drunk and playing razors across my wrists, and it was more about punishing other people than myself - "I'll show them, they just don't understand what it's like!  When I'm dead and they're lowering me into my grave, they'll know the pain I'm in, but it'll be too late, I'll be gone!  Nobody cares, no one understands, I'm all alone in this world of pain, this hell of the soul!".  Okay, I'm overdramatizing a bit, but that's what it was like!  And I don't even remember what was so awful!  I guess it's just the hormones, weeding out the weaker links?  There I am again, in my superiority place, so I will fall to my knees and genuflect to the Universe for it's blessings and shed a tear for the beauty and the miracle of it all, and make another attempt to be more authentically a part of Life, and all it has to offer.  Either way, I'm a really good listener, if you ever need me...not to mention that two of the people I spoke to the most often are now less than accessible to me, leaving me even less socially supported than I already was.  Feelin' the joy.  Remember the Joy?  I believe I mentioned the joy ~

Summer Stock 2

Just a quick post for Summer Stock.  I have a feeling this is going to be the Summer of pictures of kids playing on the slip & slide...  Hey, to be fair, I took 1000 pictures on this particular afternoon, but I'm only going to post two of them (for now).  I love the angle of the lighting in these, and there were a few more that were similarly lit, so some of those may pop up during the ensuing weeks as well.

mine

mine and two others