Shabbat Shalo...zzzz.

I'm really tired this week.  my regular Friday routine of cleaning and cooking didn't happen because I could barely stay awake.  in fact, I hardly moved off the bed other than to go to the bathroom, or peek into the fridge looking for snacks.  I spent too much time on social media, and even though I made it a point to spend time playing with watercolors, it wasn't really keeping me engaged.  there are too many emails in my inbox, and too many papers for me to read and forms to fill out, along with studying and homework to do, and I'm feeling overwhelmed again.  while I'm still so grateful for a place to feel grounded for a minute, I feel it's going to come to an end without turning into a long term situation, and that I should already be on the hunt for my next place to land.  and I miss having people to talk to - not social media people, real people.  not that the folks on social media aren't 'real', they're just not engaged with me in my day to day life, and in most cases, I don't even know them to engage with them.  they're like 'stand-in friends' until I can make new ones in my local community, even though I know how hard that is at my age, and again, due to social media, for people of ANY age.  talking beats texting any and every day of the week for me.

one of the things that was nailing me to the bed was that I overate - something I do when I'm stressed, sad, or lonely, and I happen to be all three of those at the moment.  it's like I don't have an 'off' switch, and once I get going, I can't seem to stop.  I don't mean to eat an entire pint of ice cream, and yet somehow I find myself scraping out the last bits of the container anyway.  I don't mean to eat every last French fry on the plate, and even though I'm already full, I keep reaching for more.  now, I know that neither the ice cream nor the fries are going to solve any of the issues that are contributing to my stressed/sad/lonely, and are in fact more likely exacerbate them, but...I'm not eating because I'm hungry.  it sometimes surprises me how much I can eat and I wonder if 'normal' people can and do eat that much.  but it doesn't always feel good - it often doesn't feel good - and I have to wait until I've managed to digest most of it before I feel comfortable enough to rest properly, or go back to feeling like a human rather than a baby elephant.  

it's not like I don't have enough things to keep me occupied, it's more like the amount of things I need to be actively working on are so daunting that I'd rather drown myself in food than deal with any of them.  it's a temporary fix - a coping technique that only works in the moment to calm and soothe me, and then comes back around to bite me in the ass (in more ways than one) as soon as I've finished binging.  and I call it 'self-soothing' when it's more at 'self-harming', just like cutting, purging, and the use of hard drugs or alcohol.  when I was working with folks who struggled with their own addiction issues, they would say I didn't understand because I wasn't an addict.  and while that may be true in one sense, in another, I am in my way working through the same behaviors they were/are.  and it takes the same kind of strength and support to overcome and change those behaviors, one of the biggest being access to safe and permanent housing.

which brings me to another reason I wasn't feeling the motivation to clean this week - I didn't feel like using the little energy I had to spiff up a place I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in or not.  I cleaned out part of the refrigerator when I first got here because it was dirty beyond what I could feel comfortable putting my groceries in, and I also didn't want to step past any boundaries I didn't know about yet.  so I just use the clean spaces I made, and have left the rest the way I found it.  at this point, though, I've been here two weeks and have started to trash the food the tenant left in the fridge that has begun to rot, so I'll probably clean another section, soon.  the same goes for the bathroom - I'm the only one using it, so anything that needs cleaning in there is my mess - not there's anything resembling a mess in there other than the tenant's pile of stored crap in the corner.  if I get to stay, I'll be making better use of that space, for sure!

we are all of us between seasonal eclipses, just past the Spring Equinox and the change in season,  and in the grips of retrogrades and other astrological happenings, which can have an affect on me, too (probably most of us, but I know a lot of people don't 'believe' in astrology).  there's also still a war all around us in Israel, and the collective mourning for our hostages both alive and dead that we are longing to have returned to us.  things in the US are crazy as well, and while I don't live there anymore, a lot of people I care about do, and I'm sad and scared for them in ways I'm not worried about for myself.  it's been relatively easy for me to divorce myself from what's going on there because there's plenty to learn about what's going on over here past the headlines and news reports.  for instance - after the alert for a rocket attack the other morning, there were SO many angry comments on the municipality's facebook page about the public shelters being locked when parents who were in the park playing with their kids ran to them, only to find themselves stuck outside without protection.  they accused the mayor of closing them to save money, and that's not the sort of thing that is reported on the news channels I've been watching.  and it's good to know who my representatives are, because at some point, I'm probably going to be asked to vote on something, and I like to be informed about what I'm voting for/about.

I have the day off of ulpan (school) today, and I'm not feeling as awful as I was a few days ago when I started this post, so I'm going to try and catch up on at least a few of the things I've been avoiding.  we'll see how far I get, because I'm also prioritizing rest, as I'm still feeling ridiculously low on energy.  the nice lady who is letting me stay in her apartment finally decided it was time to tell the landlord that she was leaving, and that she found someone who not only wants to take over her contract, but wants to stay long term.  in response, he said he was going to raise the rent, but that he was willing to 'talk to me', which I hope means 'rent to me'.  I had a moment of remorse, because I was willing to take the apartment at the current rent, and when I looked online for apartments renting for what he's raising it to, I thought I might be able to get a better (bigger, nicer, better appointed) place.  but after chatting with a few (two) people, I decided that not only did I not have the energy to do another round of calling about and going to see more apartments, I kind of owe it to the woman who let me stay here with the understanding that I WAS willing to help her get out of her contract by letting her landlord know she had a tenant lined up for him.

so hopefully I'm going to be staying, hopefully for at least a year, and if I want something better at the end of my contract, than I'll probably be in a better position to figure out what and where that might be.  and if I can tick that one item off the to-do list, than it's possible I'll have more space to tackle the next most daunting thing on that list.  tasks like sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, and preparing/cooking food are just regular every day chores where I'm falling behind, and only take a few minutes to catch up on.  the bathroom may take a little longer, but also isn't much of a problem.  the paperwork is really the biggest challenge, and the fridge is pretty gross, but other than that, I really just need to spend more time studying and improving my language skills so I can get a decent job to keep the bills paid.  once my lift arrives, there will be new and exciting things to work out, so it really is best if I get the place in order now to minimize the stress I may feel then.

to work, then, my friends!  unless I need a snack and a nap first...

 

Finding My Place

while there are more housing options for me here than there were in the US, I have yet to rent an apartment.  I really liked the first place I looked at, but even with the help of several people, it was just not to be.  after another round of looking to see what was available, I kind of liked the place with the yard, ceiling fan, and full size stove/oven even though it's a bit out of the way, and I also liked the little place in the middle of the city with the big bright windows, that has a bus stop right out front, and is convenient to all the places I tend to frequent.  the nice man who showed me the out of the way place seemed willing to help me with just about anything and everything in that Israeli 'I know a guy' way, and the woman who showed me her cute little 3rd floor walk-up in the middle of town was willing to let me sublet for about a month, so here I am!  it's been incredibly helpful to have some space to myself for a set amount of time so I can work on providing some of the things I've been missing or slacking on for weeks, like eating well, and hydrating properly.

 

mmm, stir-fry!
best I could do with what I had, and it was good.

 

 

it's great to have some privacy, my own bathroom and kitchen, a large, firm bed, and a HOT shower whenever I want one, among other things.  I'm hoping with all my heart that this could turn into a long term rental for me.  it's not perfect, but it will absolutely do.  I'd be happy to be here for at least my first year in Israel, until I know the language better, have a decent income, and know more about where I want to settle more permanently if it's not in this particular city.  who knows - if I manage to make a good enough living, it's possible that I could afford something even better by then!  in the event I don't get to stay past the few weeks I've been promised here, there will still be enough time to find another place, possibly even the one with the stove and the yard, if someone hasn't snatched it up yet.  given that my 'lift' (the things I shipped over from the US) should be here right around that time, I'm doing my best to trust the timeline and the process.  things tend to work out the way they're supposed to for me, and I'm keeping my energy attuned to this being the right timeline and process.

 

a walk on the beach yielded several 'hag stones'.  I found one many years ago, and hadn't found another one since.  it felt like a very good omen to me.

 

so, since I'm settled enough for the moment, I've been able to turn my attention towards looking for a job in earnest, and I sent out quite a few resumes, and responded to lots of job offers this week.  I had one interview so far that went fine, but the job was two hours away...they haven't called me back, so I guess it's a no-go, even though I said I'd be willing to relocate, even though I'm not really willing to relocate.  hey, if it was absolutely the right fit, who knows, I might.  someone in one of the agencies that makes sure new immigrants are doing okay mentioned that I could probably move all the way down south to live and work in a hotel for a year, and while I said I'd keep that idea on the back-burner in case of emergency, literally nothing about that idea appeals to me.  I've been to the town they had mentioned as a 'tourist', and honestly I think it would suck to live and work there.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sold on being where I am, especially after already being here for almost two months, and getting into the vibe of this place as I'm finding my way around much better than I ever have before (my family used to have an apartment here until I was a teen, so whenever we came to visit, this city was home).

 

the street where we lived back in the day ~

 

I may have another interview tomorrow, but I haven't heard back about that yet.  it was a holiday weekend here, so I'm really not sweating it at the moment.  one of the positions I applied for sounded pretty much like my dream job, though I'm fully aware that my language skills are probably lacking to be able to be 100%  effective at it at the moment, but as I'm so fond of saying - Who Knows?  maybe I'm EXACTLY who they want and need, or maybe I Will be some time in the near future.  there are just so many possibilities always opening up, and I'm keeping myself open to receiving them.  it's so much easier to do when my belly is full from a healthy home cooked meal, I've had enough water to drink, I'm showered, and rested.  I even had incredibly vivid dreams last night featuring my ex-bestie and his family...it was nice to see them, and I hope everything is going well for him.  it inspired me to try and reach out, though I lost his number and am not sure he's on social media.  he has two profiles that come up when I search his name, but they don't seem particularly active, and the profile pics on both of them were posted around 8 years ago, with no other activity showing.  whether or not he wants to talk to me, I just hope he's ok.

it's a fresh new week tomorrow, and I need to study for language class, look to see what's available in terms of jobs and apartments, and plan some healthy meals to cook.  it's So Nice to have this place to be in for the time being, and I'm going to make the most of it.  I keep forgetting to pull my moisturizer out of the locked suitcase as my skin is desperate for some nourishment as well, though it's looking better just from the increase in my water intake.  and I treated myself to a pedicure since I didn't have to pay an arm and a leg to stay somewhere less than great.  in my head I'm picturing the Magic 8-ball my son got me for Hannukah ages ago landing on the phrase, 'signs point to yes'!  feet pics are weird and gross (my opinion), but I want to share the joyful vibrancy of the nail color on my toes, so...enjoy!  and have a great week!

 

 

Making Aliyah

I feel incredibly blessed to have made Aliyah on my Zayde's and my 'shared' birthdays - my flight from the States was the day after my birthday, and I landed in Israel on my Zayde's birthday.  there are so many signs pointing to this being the right thing for me to be doing, even though it's been HARD.  harder than I thought?  I can't say...I don't know if I thought about how hard it may or not have been before I left, just that going was the right thing for me to do.  and even though it's been HARD, I'm still so grateful to be here in Israel, and have no intentions of doing anything but staying, and figuring out how to make it work the way I usually do, and looking back at these HARD times from a place of gratitude and plenty.

 

 

Having booked an Airbnb for a full month, thinking I would find a job and an apartment quickly, I spent most of that time running around between ministry offices, the bank, the Hebrew school, the bus station, the health service, and various mini-markets and grocery stores.  there was a minute when I thought I had found a place, on my last day in the Airbnb, but after stringing me along for a week while adding more and more conditions to my renting the place, the landlady finally refused me.  first she wanted a co-signer, then a co-signer in Israel, then a bank guarantee, then bank records from all my bank accounts both here and in the States...it just got to be too much, and at that point, I was a week past my check out date, so had to give my hostess whatever money I had, and leave.  if I had a job, the mean landlady might have rented to me, but so far, no luck there.  I may find that to be the case with all the landlords here, but I still have to try, right?

 

 

I am proud of myself for managing to figure out the buses (in this city, anyway!), which may not seem like a big thing, but I've been living in mostly rural areas for decades, which pretty much requires a car to get around.  I sold the car about a week or so before I left, and it was tough getting where I needed to go for that time, even with my son helping me out with rides, and lending me his car when he could.  the car was also sentimental to me, as it was my mother's car that she gave to us right around the time kid became a teenager, and the one he learned to drive in.  I also lived in it for about 5 months when we first moved to Vermont, and I was having trouble finding an apartment due to the insanity of the housing crisis happening there.  I think it's fair to say the car saved my life in that particular instance, as the late Summer turned to Autumn, and I still didn't have a place by the time the snow began to fly, and the temperatures plummeted.  but that's a different story, and you can read about it in another post.

the state-sponsored Hebrew school is no joke, with classes running 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 months, and I was up for it.  I'm good at school, and even though I could only write in print like a kindergarten kid and started a week behind the rest of the class, I caught right up no problem.  I mean, my script still looks like a child's handwriting, but that will obviously improve with practice.  the issue I had there was this one highly disruptive dude in my class who was making me nuts - I know, I know, I'm an adult and should be passed such judgements or letting a thing like that bother me, but he was just so...predatory that it was making me angry that no one seemed to care, and even indulged his behaviors.  so after I made several complaints about him, I just decided to switch classes.  the new class only meets two days a week, and three days a week every other week.  at first I was bothered by that, thinking I wasn't learning fast enough going full-time, but it's also better because now I have more time for the other things I need to be doing, too.  there's a part of me that tells me I should and can be doing more, and there's another part of me that's saying what I'm doing is A Lot, and it's ok to slow down and take it in smaller chunks.  it all leads to the same place eventually.

 

 

the health service has proven to be a real challenge for me, and it took several visits to not really get anything that I needed done there.  well, that's not entirely true - my cousin did help me set up a follow-up appointment with the doctor after I couldn't make it to the one I had, and failed to navigate the phone menu in order to reschedule it, as well as scheduled an appointment with the dental hygienist after I had made one with the dentist who wasn't who I needed to see (things work a bit differently here).  the doctor's recommendations in response to the results of my bloodwork (and other tests) were somewhat disturbing, with the doctor not only insisting I double my dose of diabetes medication, but that I begin to take insulin as well, along with ordering an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys, a retinopathy, seeing an endocrinologist, a dietician, and throwing in a mammogram to boot.  it was all too much for me, so I did none of that...well, I did double the dose of the diabetes meds I already have, just because it seemed easy enough, though it has been rough on my stomach, which is already having a hard time adjusting to the poor diet I've had since arriving.  then the dental hygienist wouldn't clean my teeth because I'm diabetic, and she needed a note from the doctor, so I walked out of there, too.  maybe I'll get back to it when I'm better adjusted, but I'm struggling to get by at the moment, so I can't handle the additional stress right now.

my diet has been terrible since I've been here, and at this point, I'm subsisting mainly on cottage cheese, hummus, and crackers, with an occasional slice of pizza or falafel thrown in when I can afford it.  the kitchen at the Airbnb was outside, which isn't the worst thing in the world, even when it's windy, rainy, and cold, which it has been often enough to make it problematic for me.  it was also shared with the other guests in the house, so I couldn't always cook when I had the time to, and I didn't necessarily want to eat outdoors, either, especially when the weather was bad.  I wasn't able to plan meals that well until I found a decent grocery store, and even then, by the time I had figured out a routine for myself, my time there was up.  sad to say, I've ended up at McDonald's twice so far just for the simple pleasure of eating indoors on a cold, rainy day.  most of the pizza and falafel places have outdoor seating here, and even the slightly more upscale Italian place my cousin took me to did as well, though it was enclosed with glass so at least the customers were somewhat protected from the elements.  when I left the Airbnb for lack of funds, I ended up at the 'guest house' I'm currently writing from (for one more night) that only has a shared microwave and electric hot plate, both of which gave me large shocks when I touched them, so now I'm afraid of them both.  and the hot plate seems to come and go, as in sometimes it's there, and sometimes it's not, so even if I were brave enough to try and touch it again, I can't count on it being there when and if I want it, anyway.  but in doing my best to adjust to my surrounding, I tried to buy some microwave meals and didn't find any, though I did buy some frozen 'nuggets' - which turned out not to be chicken, but whatever 'plant based' ingredients they were composed of, and who cares, I ate them anyway - and some microwave popcorn.  ridiculous.  

 

if I could read Hebrew better, it would probably have been obvious that these weren't made with actual chicken, though when you're hungry, it hardly matters.

 

on top of that, I'm incredibly dehydrated, and my skin looks like crap.  I know it seems like self-centered whining, especially when there are currently still hostages being held, tortured, and starved by the enemies of my people, and it is.  but how am I helping them by not taking care of myself?  we 'can't pour from an empty cup', and when I feel like crap I'm no good to anyone including me.  four days ago, when I left the Airbnb, I called a bunch of contacts and organizations to tell them I only had enough money to book myself into the cheapest place I could find, and they offered to help me out by paying for a few more days, which means I'm out of here tomorrow morning.  I have no idea where I'm going yet, but I did meet with some social service type people, and when they asked me what I did for work in the US, I told them I did their jobs - working with homeless people, and the various issues that usually accompany that condition.  we'll see how far it gets me in terms of securing a paying job, and a paying job will definitely help with renting an apartment.  and an apartment would give me the ability to radically increase my water intake, and cook myself some healthy and hearty meals, which would in turn help to regulate my digestive issues.  one step at a time.

while I've been here at the 'guest house', I did manage to do the laundry that had piled up at the Airbnb, so at least the clothes in my suitcases are clean and neatly repacked, and I also got a (cold) shower this morning, which helped fix my head a bit.  also, the Airbnb was freezing cold, and the room I'm currently in has a heater, so I've been warm for the first time since I got here without having a hot flash.  I spoke with two people this morning who may have employment for me - one at the welfare department who had a decent suggestion and will get back to me after consulting with her supervisor, and another who has 6 hours a week for me at minimum wage helping someone out after their surgery.  it's not much, but it's something.  I also have a zoom meeting this afternoon with some folks from the organization that helped me get here, so hopefully they'll have some further helpful ideas, including where to stay tomorrow, and into the future.

 

 

when I get so down in the dumps like this, I tend to disconnect from the world - wanting to be alone, not talk to anyone, and wallow in the depression.  so I deactivated my Facebook account because most of the 'real' people I knew deleted me on or around October 7th, because how dare Israelis fight back when we're attacked by murderous terrorists, or during the following year and half (3000 years) of my shouting into the void about it with the only result being more disconnections.  it really kills you inside to face so much hatred, and seeing nothing but that hatred reflected back to me by the Jews/Israelis/Zionists I am connected to on social media is almost as bad as the hate we face from the rest of the world.  it's still beautiful, here.  there are still gorgeous things to see and appreciate every day.  there are plenty of positive interactions I have on the street every day, and I'm still So Glad I made the decision to come, even when it's hard.  I'll be ok eventually.  I always am.  and I'll figure out how to be of use here, because that's what I do.  I believe I'm on the right path, in the right place, at the right time.  I miss my son like crazy, and I continue to pray to my 'network' for his divine protection because that's the most important thing in the world to me - that he succeeds in walking his own path, and that I get to take some small part in it.  other than that, I'm here for my people, forever, in whatever ways they'll have me.  may I find that way soon.

💙