Friday, February 10, 2012

I am a river of fire

     Rob Brezsny really hit the nail on the head with me when he suggested this image of Horsetail Fall over El Capitan in Yosemite National Park, CA be my (Aquarius') inspirational symbol for the week, and to imprint it in my mind's eye, as it would 'help unleash the subconscious forces you'll need to pull off your own natural wonder.'  I had concluded that the normal birthday-energy-surge was just late, this year, but I think I feel it coming on.  Midwinter came and passed, and I guess it's kind of hard to burst out of a Winter that never really got all that wintry.  I realize we're not there, yet, but I felt the small tick of the season it took to change my grey sweats for a patterned skirt with some bright red in it.  About a week ago, I was talking with this woman I know who is a health coach, and one of the things we discussed was making a collage, or writing a poem - engaging in some creative process to represent one's commitment to one's self.  So I took some time this morning to look through a folder of things I find beautiful that make me happy, and it reminded me of the idea I had to write a legend of my son's birth story, and in turn, of once again returning to the long-denied process I call Saint's (which, of course, led to another idea...).  I find it interesting that I still spend time learning who I am, like it's almost curious how I still discover myself, rediscover, in the change of seasons, over weeks, in a day.
     I am a river of fire.  Reflecting Sol, setting burnished in a molten golden glow, as he bids 'Fare thee well, horizon!'  I am the fiery gateway, the scalded righteousness, the holy burning transformation as your tear free.  Something about gilded rooftops, and coppery brightness - but for the suggestive blinding - and we must avoid combustion for the knowing.  Glories...wondrous glories...and then the dreams.  The one of the boy, in the rowboat, pulling himself in to shore, and then gone.  In a cloud, a puff of mist.  The old Moroccan, it was his fault, He saw what happened, could have helped, could have prevented, could have Done Something.  I haunted him for years, that beach, that sad empty place inside my skull, until finally the Asian lady that worked at the cafe yelled at me, said I couldn't come in there to haunt him anymore, it made everyone uncomfortable, it was time to move on.
     The next was renewal, dared to be hopeful.  Featured the childhood friend and his family, newly constructed spaces, basements and light.  Moving and vehicles.  Nighttime.  Heightened tension and a test, an unquestioned bond proven.  And the next, more hopeful still - new digs again, possibly shared, cathedral ceiling-ed, well appointed and tended.  Clean, cavernous corridor to an underground pedal-boat channel letting out into a sun-filled park that may have been part of something larger, it didn't concern me.  In a storage closet on my side (the service side) of the moat, mini tricycles to pedal back up the smooth, flat path back to the rooms, to finish rearranging the fabulous things while awaiting the arrival of the child, who was slightly awed, vaguely embarrassed, was withdrawn and shy, yet coy and curious.  I couldn't wait to tell him about the pedal-boats, and the mini-tricycles!  Where did he think this piece should go..?
   And THEN!  My god sent me another lover - a satyr, no less, for all his god-light!  Which gave me the thread for the rest of the Porn series, fancy that..(after so much time with the minotaur, it must be time to switch it up)!  Feeling so blessed for the vision, Universe, thanks for it - and I see now why the heavy, dripping stagnance, and humble further.  Yes, I will combust with it, one day, but not today...not today!  Oh, the Balanced way, on a Fool's Journey!  Hanging always, as I am, with this eye out and the leg crossed over, just so...  I will run their racist Gypsy wagon right back over them, with my big, hoop earrings and scheming ways, the crown JEWel, hidden away in my father's treasure stash.  I know secrets, though I keep them hidden under my hood, where they hiss and whisper to you of their danger, tease you with the licking intensity of their passion, and caress me with your assent.  Sneaking through the back, down a tunnel, 'round the bend - In the Out door.  Come, step behind the curtain, boy, now where did I leave my fangs..oh, right here next to my Gloria!  Party ~
     So the boy is going to be eight, and he's turning into to a proper little person, not my baby anymore (well, always my baby, just not a baby).  2012, solar flares, the year of the dragon, the dawning of the age of Aquarius - it's all pretty intense, and I need to remember to stay all in while I try not to fall out.  I've been nodding over this paragraph for half an hour, now, been falling asleep at the computer, three days running...I should be stitching the fabric of my dreams, not squinting into the near-dark, at my disappearing keyboard as it fades with the light.  The heat of New Worlds being Born are warming me from the inside, and my body is exhausted from the process - or the uglier conclusion.
     I am a river of fire, burning through the solid bedrock of my own core, a gateway Between.  You can look, but I'll never tell, the poem contained within my body, the one you really mean.  Out from under the bushel, baby, at least for this week, ride that dragon.

...and the peanut sauce I could've bathed in.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Mama,

    Amazing. As always. I've been feeling torn apart at the seams, wishing I could stir something up just for something TO DO. And not that I am not busy... just that life seems to bursting at the seams early this year... under this cold air, the grass is showing in places and it isn't even Valentine's Day. The sun is bright, the sky is blue.... and I wanna wanna wanna EXPLODE.


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