Wednesday, October 14, 2009

random moments

*I wrote this weeks ago, already, and I was debating whether or not to post it. I'm still not sure, but I'm going to go for it, and see what happens...

It's time for this, though I don't know what 'this' is... I called in 'needing a cocktail' to work today, I guess that was honest of me. It's 10 am, and I'm getting ready to have it. Never mind that I've been stoned since 7.

We haven't had a decent meal in days, snacking on whatever's laying on the counter; challah, chips, pb&j, crackers, fruitabu, and cookies. So instead of going to work, I thought I'd get stoned, have a drink, and try to fix the life the child doesn't know is broken, yet.

I live too close to the edge for parenting, or child-rearing. Things just look too dangerous sometimes. It doesn't seem safe. But the problem is more that I have turned dull, given up, gone soft. I'm too tired all the time - my body hurts, I'm fat, I'm broke. I'm lucky that I work at a farm market, and I can call in needing a cocktail, but do you know, there is not one apple in my house? I can't even tell you the last time I ate an apple. Or any other fruit, for that matter. Lame. Super-lame! I need to change my relationship with food, and fast.

I love my job, I do. If you have to be a wage-slave, at least you can slave at something worthwhile, which is why I am happy to do what I do. And to be sure, I am more than 'just a cashier' which is the passive-aggressive phrase I've been muttering under my breath for a week or two now, but I need something more. Is it philosophical neurosis? A mid-life crisis? I hope not the crisis, because I was planning on making it to 100, so I've got another decade on that one, according to my own clock... I feel like I'm letting time go by. Like I'm a spectator, checking down the items of a list. I want my time back, to do what I see fit with it - to create something because it is necessary. I want time back to explore, to seek out new options, to rekindle a spark, to initiate a journey, freedom. There are needs that be.

Where is the Supernanny? I need a personal assistant to help me hang my to do's on the wall, work off a list until I grow the what it's like to face the world ready. If A and B get done, C will fall into place and than D will come along. It's a perfect plan. When and how to start? Where to begin? In the old days, it would be to take a hot shower and go to bed, because it meant the acid was wearing off. Smoke more pot, have that Hard Lemonade. Take a shower, and pick up the BF - we'll talk about running off to Tahiti, writing a novel, winning the lottery. Pell grants make college look like an actual option.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there kiddo. Parenting, especially single parenting 24/7, is HARD, and thankless, and utterly exhausting, and have I mentioned hard? Everyone has time's when they feel beaten down, but then things cycle around again and you get your mojo back.

    Any chance of giving Z a really great weekend with Grandma so that mama can spend a few days revisiting her misspent youth and reconnecting with M the person instead of just M the mom?


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