*I wrote this weeks ago, already, and I was debating whether or not to post it. I'm still not sure, but I'm going to go for it, and see what happens...
It's time for this, though I don't know what 'this' is... I called in 'needing a cocktail' to work today, I guess that was honest of me. It's 10 am, and I'm getting ready to have it. Never mind that I've been stoned since 7.
We haven't had a decent meal in days, snacking on whatever's laying on the counter; challah, chips, pb&j, crackers, fruitabu, and cookies. So instead of going to work, I thought I'd get stoned, have a drink, and try to fix the life the child doesn't know is broken, yet.
I live too close to the edge for parenting, or child-rearing. Things just look too dangerous sometimes. It doesn't seem safe. But the problem is more that I have turned dull, given up, gone soft. I'm too tired all the time - my body hurts, I'm fat, I'm broke. I'm lucky that I work at a farm market, and I can call in needing a cocktail, but do you know, there is not one apple in my house? I can't even tell you the last time I ate an apple. Or any other fruit, for that matter. Lame. Super-lame! I need to change my relationship with food, and fast.
I love my job, I do. If you have to be a wage-slave, at least you can slave at something worthwhile, which is why I am happy to do what I do. And to be sure, I am more than 'just a cashier' which is the passive-aggressive phrase I've been muttering under my breath for a week or two now, but I need something more. Is it philosophical neurosis? A mid-life crisis? I hope not the crisis, because I was planning on making it to 100, so I've got another decade on that one, according to my own clock... I feel like I'm letting time go by. Like I'm a spectator, checking down the items of a list. I want my time back, to do what I see fit with it - to create something because it is necessary. I want time back to explore, to seek out new options, to rekindle a spark, to initiate a journey, freedom. There are needs that be.
Where is the Supernanny? I need a personal assistant to help me hang my to do's on the wall, work off a list until I grow the habit...re-learn what it's like to face the world ready. If A and B get done, C will fall into place and than D will come along. It's a perfect plan. When and how to start? Where to begin? In the old days, it would be to take a hot shower and go to bed, because it meant the acid was wearing off. Smoke more pot, have that Hard Lemonade. Take a shower, and pick up the BF - we'll talk about running off to Tahiti, writing a novel, winning the lottery. Pell grants make college look like an actual option.
Well, I gotta tell ya, the gardening fairy was not my friend this year...to be fair, we had a poor growing season, but that's no excuse for what happened here! The above image is a doomed pumpkin vine, which gave me lovely blooms (image below), but not one pumpkin! The squirrels and rabbits ate well in THIS yard, this season...
Also pictured with my lovely pumpkin blossom are my 'dwarf' carrots - they grew about 1, 1 1/2 inches long. Weird. Just little runt carrots. *shrug* As BF pointed out, they probably would have been good in a salad; but I was impatient and pissed off, so all the failed veggies went to compost. Lotsa rain this Summer...
Our peppers just never grew. They reached their height and got frozen in time - 
And, the infamous strawberry plant that got raided by critters, and yielded me not one fruit!
