It's really too late to start this now, as it's past 10pm, and I'm tired. I was tired at 8pm. Hell, I was tired at 8am! But I'll try. Not like anyone cares, but I feel like I made a promise, and I am a keeper of promises (and secrets), so I will do my best, and go public with it. I need for 'you all' to start reading my blog more regularly, as I need to figure it into my study this semester...that sounds so funny! 'This semester'! Like a teenager away from home for the first time! Well, o.k., maybe not like that, but it's been a loooong time since I referred to the span of a few months as 'this semester'. So let's start the rant there - with the beginnings of my semester...
It was a clear, cold morning as we rolled into town, the landscape white and hushed from the evening's snowfall...no, just kidding, it isn't that kind of story! Upon my arrival at Goddard, the dude at the Help Desk pissed me off. My room on campus pissed me off. Being pissed off pisses me off, and that's a lot of pissing for someone who is particularly uneasy with a certain fetish. Anyway, as it all turns out, the residency itself was very productive and inspiring, and I got a good price on a weekly at the local motel. Childcare was a breeze. A good number of people stepped up to help me out with the boy, and I give them my undying love and highest degree of gratitude - you all are my heros, thanks!
Having said that (I just deleted an entire paragraph on just one dude), I would like to say, "WHY THE HELL ARE SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS ADDICTS?!?! There are alcoholics, potheads, pillheads, crackheads, drama queens, neg-heads, what-have-you. What does that say about me? Hate the sin love the sinner (not that I deal much with the realm that 'sin' originates from)? Granted, I have my own struggles with food and weight issues, and I have the once a month (once a week, once a day) desire to get stoned - but I don't roll out of bed in the morning smelling like last night's whisky binge! WHY would my good friend try to work a hustle on me?! Am I stupid? Do I deserve to be taken? Haven't I been there/done that? In this life, at our age, WHY?! What possible gains are there? Is it a carefully planned suicide? People, please. I know you've seen past your pain, past your fear, into a world of light. I KNOW this because you've told me. We've discussed it. Yes, it's scary. But I am your FRIEND! I will help you as I can, when I can, as soon as you are ready to let all that shit go. It's a desperate, ugly place, and it takes a lot of energy to live there - energy that could be put to better use.
The childcare thing - I was in VT for 10 days, and I had relatively reliable childcare ALL 10 DAYS!!! I live in NY, houses away from my 'family', and I'm lucky to get one night out once every two months!!! WTF?!?! I am, at this point, calling 'the NY experiment' a supreme failure, and making plans to move back to VT, where I can live in organic bliss with my junked-out friends...or, hopefully, make some new ones amongst the school moms. I tried it, I didn't like it, and now I want to get my kid out of here before any permanent damage can take hold. Coming 'home' after 10 days in VT is like a poison invading my bloodstream. My moron neighbor downstairs is such a PRICK! I lived in a motel for a week, and had better neighbors than him! This 'community' makes me sick to my stomach. Remember the plow guy who took the landlady's $50 to plow the driveway after I shoveled it? Asshole plowed my stairs under when we got all that snow while I was gone! That's the kind of people that live HERE. I am not that kind of people. I loathe such people, and want to be as far away from them as possible. Vermont will do, short of leaving the country altogether. Because, really, where would I go, Canada? Why the hell not, Montreal is a pretty swingin' town!
So - I feel another FB friend list purge coming on, and I hope I have the strength to let myself remember who my REAL friends are, not the ones I'm afraid to see go because it means a shift in my needs, in my life, like leaving them behind so I can move on to better things. 108 friends...I don't have 108 friends, I have 8! Maybe! And I don't care about hurt feelings, either, because the truth is, these folks have hurt ME, and I don't need that kind of friend anymore. Never really did, for that matter! This has been a pretty mild RANT for what I'm capable of, but it's after midnight now, and I just don't have the steam to bark out loud. Perhaps I'll read this over in the morning and see if it needs some work ~