I'm really tired this week. my regular Friday routine of cleaning and cooking didn't happen because I could barely stay awake. in fact, I hardly moved off the bed other than to go to the bathroom, or peek into the fridge looking for snacks. I spent too much time on social media, and even though I made it a point to spend time playing with watercolors, it wasn't really keeping me engaged. there are too many emails in my inbox, and too many papers for me to read and forms to fill out, along with studying and homework to do, and I'm feeling overwhelmed again. while I'm still so grateful for a place to feel grounded for a minute, I feel it's going to come to an end without turning into a long term situation, and that I should already be on the hunt for my next place to land. and I miss having people to talk to - not social media people, real people. not that the folks on social media aren't 'real', they're just not engaged with me in my day to day life, and in most cases, I don't even know them to engage with them. they're like 'stand-in friends' until I can make new ones in my local community, even though I know how hard that is at my age, and again, due to social media, for people of ANY age. talking beats texting any and every day of the week for me.
one of the things that was nailing me to the bed was that I overate - something I do when I'm stressed, sad, or lonely, and I happen to be all three of those at the moment. it's like I don't have an 'off' switch, and once I get going, I can't seem to stop. I don't mean to eat an entire pint of ice cream, and yet somehow I find myself scraping out the last bits of the container anyway. I don't mean to eat every last French fry on the plate, and even though I'm already full, I keep reaching for more. now, I know that neither the ice cream nor the fries are going to solve any of the issues that are contributing to my stressed/sad/lonely, and are in fact more likely exacerbate them, but...I'm not eating because I'm hungry. it sometimes surprises me how much I can eat and I wonder if 'normal' people can and do eat that much. but it doesn't always feel good - it often doesn't feel good - and I have to wait until I've managed to digest most of it before I feel comfortable enough to rest properly, or go back to feeling like a human rather than a baby elephant.
it's not like I don't have enough things to keep me occupied, it's more like the amount of things I need to be actively working on are so daunting that I'd rather drown myself in food than deal with any of them. it's a temporary fix - a coping technique that only works in the moment to calm and soothe me, and then comes back around to bite me in the ass (in more ways than one) as soon as I've finished binging. and I call it 'self-soothing' when it's more at 'self-harming', just like cutting, purging, and the use of hard drugs or alcohol. when I was working with folks who struggled with their own addiction issues, they would say I didn't understand because I wasn't an addict. and while that may be true in one sense, in another, I am in my way working through the same behaviors they were/are. and it takes the same kind of strength and support to overcome and change those behaviors, one of the biggest being access to safe and permanent housing.
which brings me to another reason I wasn't feeling the motivation to clean this week - I didn't feel like using the little energy I had to spiff up a place I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in or not. I cleaned out part of the refrigerator when I first got here because it was dirty beyond what I could feel comfortable putting my groceries in, and I also didn't want to step past any boundaries I didn't know about yet. so I just use the clean spaces I made, and have left the rest the way I found it. at this point, though, I've been here two weeks and have started to trash the food the tenant left in the fridge that has begun to rot, so I'll probably clean another section, soon. the same goes for the bathroom - I'm the only one using it, so anything that needs cleaning in there is my mess - not there's anything resembling a mess in there other than the tenant's pile of stored crap in the corner. if I get to stay, I'll be making better use of that space, for sure!
we are all of us between seasonal eclipses, just past the Spring Equinox and the change in season, and in the grips of retrogrades and other astrological happenings, which can have an affect on me, too (probably most of us, but I know a lot of people don't 'believe' in astrology). there's also still a war all around us in Israel, and the collective mourning for our hostages both alive and dead that we are longing to have returned to us. things in the US are crazy as well, and while I don't live there anymore, a lot of people I care about do, and I'm sad and scared for them in ways I'm not worried about for myself. it's been relatively easy for me to divorce myself from what's going on there because there's plenty to learn about what's going on over here past the headlines and news reports. for instance - after the alert for a rocket attack the other morning, there were SO many angry comments on the municipality's facebook page about the public shelters being locked when parents who were in the park playing with their kids ran to them, only to find themselves stuck outside without protection. they accused the mayor of closing them to save money, and that's not the sort of thing that is reported on the news channels I've been watching. and it's good to know who my representatives are, because at some point, I'm probably going to be asked to vote on something, and I like to be informed about what I'm voting for/about.
I have the day off of ulpan (school) today, and I'm not feeling as awful as I was a few days ago when I started this post, so I'm going to try and catch up on at least a few of the things I've been avoiding. we'll see how far I get, because I'm also prioritizing rest, as I'm still feeling ridiculously low on energy. the nice lady who is letting me stay in her apartment finally decided it was time to tell the landlord that she was leaving, and that she found someone who not only wants to take over her contract, but wants to stay long term. in response, he said he was going to raise the rent, but that he was willing to 'talk to me', which I hope means 'rent to me'. I had a moment of remorse, because I was willing to take the apartment at the current rent, and when I looked online for apartments renting for what he's raising it to, I thought I might be able to get a better (bigger, nicer, better appointed) place. but after chatting with a few (two) people, I decided that not only did I not have the energy to do another round of calling about and going to see more apartments, I kind of owe it to the woman who let me stay here with the understanding that I WAS willing to help her get out of her contract by letting her landlord know she had a tenant lined up for him.
so hopefully I'm going to be staying, hopefully for at least a year, and if I want something better at the end of my contract, than I'll probably be in a better position to figure out what and where that might be. and if I can tick that one item off the to-do list, than it's possible I'll have more space to tackle the next most daunting thing on that list. tasks like sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, and preparing/cooking food are just regular every day chores where I'm falling behind, and only take a few minutes to catch up on. the bathroom may take a little longer, but also isn't much of a problem. the paperwork is really the biggest challenge, and the fridge is pretty gross, but other than that, I really just need to spend more time studying and improving my language skills so I can get a decent job to keep the bills paid. once my lift arrives, there will be new and exciting things to work out, so it really is best if I get the place in order now to minimize the stress I may feel then.
to work, then, my friends! unless I need a snack and a nap first...