Shabbat Reading for a Dear Friend

how exciting!  I threw out an offer on facebook of donating my 'weekly' tarot reading to someone, and a dear friend grabbed the opportunity.  not only that, they had a Really Great Question that others may relate to as well:

"I’d like to ask about my weed consumption. I’m vaping medicinally/therapeutically and feel it’s allowing me slowness and more tolerance during a chronically hard season. I want to make sure I know how to use it for its intended purpose and how to discern between a cue to treat myself with a medicine versus a compulsion to escape into a high state."

I loved the unexpected nature of this inquiry, and wanted to shuffle my decks right away and dive in!  first off, I felt there were several parts to the question, and since my friend didn't note a deck preference, I figured I'd use different decks for the various responses.  I knew right away that I wanted to use The Faeries' Oracle - it just jumped right out at me - and the first card I pulled was mostly to connect me to the general energy of the question, and to center my friend in my mind.  their first card was "the Laume"...

 

the Laume from The Fairies' Oracle by Brian Froud

 

described as a creature of unconditional giving, who knows they will reap their return as nature loves balance.  the Oracle says it takes heaps of generosity to pay back what we receive in abundance every day, and giving too much may end us up 'spiritually toxic and bloated, or energetically depleted'.  the remedy suggested, if you are feeling stuck in one area, is to back off and use your energy to grow in another area.  either a small push now that may come to fruition later, or something big that needs tackling immediately.  it suggests that the Laume gives until it hurts, though it looks to me like she knows her own wisdom, and who to turn to when she feels she needs input (who's that she's sitting on?).  this is saying to me that the intention behind the weed consumption feels very deliberate and specific, in pursuit of a goal or outcome (medicinal/therapeutic).  that my friend is in alignment with their own stated purpose is clear...

 

Queen of Swords from The This Might Hurt Tarot Deck by Isabella Rotman

 

so, when I pondered how my friend said they feel like using marijuana medicinally/therapeutically is allowing them slowness and tolerance during the time of the year when the days get shorter and colder where they live (don't we all tend to freak out a bit when faced with our yearly journeys inward?), and they want to make sure to be discerning about their consumption, the Queen of Swords showed up!  this lady knows her business.  you can guarantee she's thought of everything and then some.  with her sword up and her hand open, she's ready to share all she's learned from a place of logic and reason.  she can be trusted.  she cares about you, too, that's just not entering the picture so much here.  it really is all about the thought process.  she checked the internet, cross-referenced her searches, read several articles from various sources with differing viewpoints, and checked in with her astrologer and tarot reader while reading signs from the local flora and fauna.  I'd say my friend knows well how to be discerning about their consumption!

I drew two more cards - one to represent a cue to work with a medicine, the other representing a compulsion to escape into a high:

 

Three of Swords and Ace of Pentacles from The This Might Hurt Tarot Deck by Isabella Rotman

 

wow.  and ouch.  that Three of Swords is old, deep pain...I'm so sorry.  it's so personal and heartbreaking it can pierce through all your defenses, and have you picking at old wounds in self-sabotage.  BUT.  if this represents a cue to Work With a Medicine, it can be interpreted as having survived the trials that can lead to growth and renewal.  in this case, perhaps, a healthy relationship with an herb that has had a less than stellar reputation, or others substances that are also being used in more widely accepted therapeutic ways, now.  and that Ace of Pentacles?  I'm glad to see it.  those are some pretty heavy Swords and a bit of earthy grounding with a pentacle is shiny and happy.  and an Ace no less!  All That Potential!  so many possibilities...I wonder...would it be such a terrible thing to escape into a high state just this one time?  listen, dealing with addiction issues is No Joke, and I'm not offhandedly suggesting 'everybody must get stoned' in any way shape or form.  what I'm saying is this ONE FRIEND, Whom I Know, who has OBVIOUSLY spent a Great Deal Of Time meditating with great purpose on this deeply personal question for reasons that are None Of Our Business may be able to handle a few hits in the middle of the darkest days of their year for probably more reasons than the season, and not get sucked into anything permanently harmful to their health.  this is a card that encourages us to sit in our personal 'garden of protection' and enjoy our material existence by recognizing the miracle of everyday life.  it can be a reminder that it's ok to unwind a bit, and sometimes it's ok to use a tool to help you unwind, especially if you're being extremely conscious of how and why you're using a tool in the first place.  hey, I take Vitamin D when the days start getting shorter, and usually stop taking it when the growing light tells me it's time to start gardening in the sunshine...it's basically the same thing.

 and because I like a nice rug that can tie a room together (ha, I crack myself up) I drew one last card:

 

8 of Wands/Swiftness from The Thoth Deck by Aleister Crowley and Lady Frieda Harris

 

light wands turned into electrical waves, restored Universe, interplay & correlation, high velocity.  much force applied suddenly, a quick rush soon over, short-lived chaos.  things are moving, like sparks flying through the air.  this is fire representing energy as pure light, and having created intelligible geometric form.  this is the moment - go with what's flowing and you're perfectly aligned to reach what you dare to achieve!  slowing down too much out of fear will have you missing some whirlwind opportunity, so staying focused is key to riding this lightening.  whatever it is, it's already happening.  if it's the weed helping you find clarity as a medicine, or the simple pleasure of getting out of your head so you can hear your own deepest thoughts, you are bringing something into being, soon. whatever needs to be decided, do it now.  you have all the information you need.

I hope this helps to bring clarity to the situation, and much love from me to you!

💙

 

for a reading of your own, contact me here!

 

Shabbat Shalom Tarot Reading for Myself!

I had to make the text bigger so I could see it better, ha!

it's been an interesting week, but not really...I just got some news yesterday that was both unexpected and highly disappointing on a number of levels, but we're not going to talk about that now.  today, instead of a community reading, I'm going to be reading for myself so you can see how I work, and then get in touch with me to book a reading for yourself!  sound good?  let's go!

first of all, why do I want a reading?  what's my question?  what burning issue do I want further insight to so I can move more resolutely along my path?  where am I seeking more clarity?  

well...for starters, I'm curious about the timeline for my voyage overseas.  I had originally planned to go in the Spring, but I'd just as soon go now.  why wait?  the sooner I can get this next chapter started, the happier I'll be, really.  part of me wants to honor the wisdom of the plan, and another part of me doesn't want to delay another minute.  and then wrapped up in that 'desperately wanting to get out of here' is the fear and worry about leaving my only offspring behind.  in my heart, I know he'll be fine - that he'll face challenges, that he'll miss me when he needs me, and his fears about my safety all make it painful for me to leave, but he needs the space and isn't yet sure about his future, whereas I'm more certain than ever about where I want to be, and how to get there.  and when I 'get there', what then?  will it be more of the same low-level hustling to make ends barely meet?  or will I finally afford myself the opportunity to explore and expand on the themes I've followed in my artistic practices for all these years?  will I find the freedom and courage to step out of my shell and do what brings me joy?  there's been plenty of signs pointing to my need to realign with my own spiritual practice, and when I remember to do so, it feels good, so...let's see what the cards have to say!

first I need to choose a deck:

 

I went with the fake Russian version of Buckland's Romani Tarot because it's newer to me and I haven't used it that much, and for whatever reason decided to add some whimsy by choosing to use The Kitchen Tarot for clarifying cards, because a dear friend whom I love sent them to me and I hadn't used them yet.  interesting to note that I thought clarifying cards were needed before even starting.

I did a 3 card pull because I'm also writing this blog post and I didn't want to spend the whole day with it, and a 10 card spread can take me hours.

so, while meditating on my upcoming trip, I pulled the first card. 

oh, Two of Swords...perfect.  that feels like I have a hard choice to make.  or maybe not so much hard, but...a choice.  this version of the card is interesting because there are two people in it, he's blindfolded while she appears to have her eyes closed, and they're both facing opposite directions with their arms crossed.  it's Winter but they're not dressed for it, and is she wearing a hood with a jeweled edge?  and who's holding the swords?  they're just kind of sticking out there...on the sides.  weird.  anyway...the longer I stare at the card the more it looks like the woman is massaging the guy's brain, like she's the High Priestess bringing him the intuitive insight he needs to act on one - or the other - of his choices.  it's a stalemate, almost as if the choice itself doesn't matter, just that it gets made.  is it possible that he doesn't have all the information he needs?  that he's missing a part of the puzzle?  or is it better to block his sight in order to focus more clearly on his deepest thoughts? it's a cold image, and makes me slightly uncomfortable, but what it says to me in the context of my question is that when the time comes for me to go, I will go, whether it happens in one month or three.  I'm honestly not sure which I prefer, but sooner does seem to feel a bit better as the snow comes down and it's getting dark already before 4pm.  and honestly, the ONLY thing keeping me here is the adult-ish kid (and the cat). which is the next card, so...

 

 

while thinking deeply about my dear offspring and his ability to fare alone in this shitty town/state/world, it appears I have nothing to fear.  The World card says not only was (am) I a kick-ass mom, I have not one reason to doubt that I have raised an amazing young person.  not that I did that much outside of staying out of my own way in letting the boy be who he is, and at least attempting to nurture as many of his dreams as I could without crushing his soul with my clumsy relationship skills and harsh criticisms.  his ancestors appear to have wrapped him in a cloud of protection against their lack of faith in my ability to keep him safe, for which I am grateful, and I trust that they (and the cat) will continue to watch over him whether or not I continue to beg and plead for them to, though I will continue to pester them forever for their assistance with him, as they're the only village we have. I know I've taught him how to live, and soon will come the proof of that.  I hope the lessons he will be tasked with learning don't hurt too much, and that all signs continue to point towards good for him.

so what of my desire to 'step out of my shell' and really stand in my power?  5 of Swords?  seriously?  this is saying 'yay, I won, but at what cost?'  why would it feel bad to find my place in the world?  will it truly come at the cost of those I hold dear?  this seemed less clear, as I had some trouble holding the question in my mind given the aforementioned disturbing news of the week, which kept sneaking in at the corners.  so...do I 'win' whatever that situation is, but end up doing it in a way that loses me friends?  I don't know, it kind of feels like I already lost what there was to lose, so I might as well go on as I have, which is as if I did.  who cares if the rewards are more than I can carry, I'll share them freely.  it's never just a win for me - if I succeed at something, I end up lifting up others as a result.  if they like me or not.  it's a lonely life, this Aquarian living in a future world we have yet to create.  Swords.  both minor cards were Swords, and me an Air sign.  and that Winter cold where Swords to me feel like Spring...curious deck.

anyway, the message was clear enough, but I wanted to use my friend's gift deck so I went ahead and asked for clarity:

ha ha!  Mom & Apple Pie!  what the hell is that?  aww, it's The Sun card!  it's so cute...there are mini-pies in a 'cosmic pie safe' and they are labeled 'love', 'good health', 'balanced Earth', 'enough moolah', 'family + friends', 'joy', and there's a big pie labeled 'peace'.  there's also a person in an apron holding a large covered pitcher, and a chubby dog sits nearby.  there are other little critters/people just generally chilling and seeming content to be near the open, welcoming vibe of the sweet and abundant Mama energy.  and that definitely brightened up the heavy mood of the Two of Swords, as if to say in a Jewish Mama voice "don't worry darling, it doesn't matter when you go, it just matters that you go!"  and either She will be there to greet me, or I will more fully embody Her when I get there.  or both!  it's a good omen; I like it.

 

 

now for my magical lad - the card I pulled for clarity for him was The Kitchen Timer/The Hanged Man.  meaning - he will face his trials.  as we all must.  and he will be fine.  as blown away as I have been at how energies align for this boy, it makes total sense to me.  it's too much to get into here, more than a blog post of its own, and really kind of personal and private, but maybe I'll share sometime that's not now.  that 'fool' must head towards his own cliff, and see what he's got in his bag of tricks at the end of a stick (see what I did there?  that was a reference to The Fool tarot card as a metaphor for my son's personal journey).  time to let the birdie fly, by leaving him the scant comfort of our nest while I go seek my ends and means elsewhere.  he.  will.  be.  fine.  will I be fine without him?  of course I will, but maybe that's the real question, here.  am I willing to truly believe in both of us enough to know that we'll figure this out, too?

Salt & Pepper as The Magician is interesting, and I guess the longer I think about it, the more it makes sense to me.  in terms of how it relates to the 5 of Swords, it feels like the work done to affect an outcome may have been greater than the loss it took to achieve it.  it feels like the deep regenerative work of creating one's life, to me.  like a whirlwind of possibility about to manifest - the gathering up of elements transmuting synergistically.  it's speaking to this being the right time to use everything I have to do exactly what I've been dreaming of all these years, whatever that may be, I'm not even sure myself.  but I do know, and I should name it rather than hide behind my shyness and pretending I'm nothing.  I have been there and done that, and I took notes.  winner takes all.

as usual, I just need to work up the courage to jump, and the net that I've been weaving since I first had an interesting idea will once again appear under me, and I will keep tying knots until I run out thread.  

I hope you choose to connect with me through my Mysteriam Tarot & Dreamwork fb page, or even here in the comments.  either way, I'm happy to offer you a reading, and learn what we can about your path together.

💙

Memory Jar 2022/2023. 2024?

 

*sometime in February, 2023?

this would have been our 9th year of Memory Jar posts, but I dropped the ball...or was I three weeks in my new apartment after having lived in the car for half the year, and had no idea where the Jar even was?  I remember watching Rocky on New Year's Eve '22/'23 because I'm making it my new tradition to do so, and I watched the whole Rocky franchise (up to Creed 2) this past New Year's.

2022:

my list ~

Z graduated BOCES

Z got into his 1st choice college

Z got $100 fitness scholarship

standing with the guitar teacher during the kid's last solo

Medicine Day

Vermont Corn Maze

Being invited to work at AW

Getting an apartment!  yay!

Hannukah at the local synagogue

making Z spit eggs by saying "Peanut Butter Falcon!"

breakfast sandwiches

"Tantar, make Mama some perogies"

grateful to have my son home with me

 

his list ~

skipping

catballs

have a Snickers

300 lb. leg press first try

burgers

climbing to the top of the rope

pre-workout

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

September 26, 2024

I just finished my ritual of burning the memory slips before starting the process of filling the jar up again.  it mostly took me that long because I don't really have a great place to burn things in this apartment other than the porch, which makes me nervous, so I burned them a few at a time in my bathroom over a fireproof tray, with the ventilation fan running.  then I took a look at my facebook activity log starting all the way back in January, and wrote down the good times I felt important enough to share with my social media network and friends, and put them in the jar.  I will ask my son to take some time out of his increasingly busy life to add a few, and I'm sure after some rudeness, eye rolling, unnecessary aggression and argument, he may oblige me a scrap or two with a word or so.  we'll see.

here's why it's important to me:

I'm making Aliyah.

(for those of you who don't know, that means I'm moving to Israel.)

 

it's going to be increasingly important to me to figure out ways to stay in touch with my son (who won't be coming with me), and our small traditions that we shared while he was growing up in my care, as he feels the inevitable need to pull away from me.  not that he has much choice if I'm leaving the country...but it is time to strike out on his own, even if I'm the one doing the 'striking'.

and we have almost a decade of memories showing the same tendency, as his lists have gone from running in tandem to mine, while we enjoyed many of the same happy moments, to his moving year by year towards his own joys and experiences, as they should.  I'm not 'in on' several of the moments he shared, as I'm sure readers can tell, and similarly don't understand.

we've had a rough couple of years.  from the ongoing need to move constantly whether it be from eminent domain, the landlord selling the building, or only having a one year lease so my son could graduate high school with his class (for which we were grateful), to my mother dying, and the general hormonal bullshit that I had to put up with between my male teen and my own peri/menopause.  then we had homelessness and non-college-preparedness before we were both finally able to settle down into decent work situations and figure out where our lives were, individually, and in relationship to each other.

at the moment, we're both in a pretty good place.  the Young Man is fine, and I'm going to do my best to stop talking about him as much as I do, because he's an adult now, and I owe him his privacy, but I'm sure news of him will sneak in here and there because he's my baby and I love him the most.  let it suffice to say that he has a good job that he enjoys doing, a few good friends (one of whom he is intimate with), and enjoys an active social life pursuing his interests and hobbies.  I was working at a job that I really liked, doing work that I felt was important, until the underlying toxicity of the administration that I had been overlooking in order to keep paying my rent finally caught up to me, and I walked out in frustration one afternoon.  it didn't take long before I had another job doing similar work, and in that case, it was the administration that got frustrated with me for pointing out the inconsistencies in their policies, and how it was actively harming their guests.  no worries...I got another job offer a few days ago, and will probably get another one before the week is out.  I can get jobs - I sometimes have a hard time keeping them.

if you're familiar with this blog, and have visited the 'freebooting' tab, you'll see that I've engaged in a wide variety of work activities, and have never settled on a 'career' because I am a multi-disciplinary artist who rarely has the necessary time or space to engage with my art as I'm so busy hustling to survive all the time.  for instance - there are 78 unfinished drafts for posts on this blog.  38 of them are from 2020, 26 are from 2021, 6 from 2022, 5 from 2023, and 3 so far this year.  if I manage to publish this post, there will only be two from this year.  we'll see...

I have a lot of work ahead of me for this upcoming move, and I've once again been doing my best to whittle down my belongings to what I can take overseas with me, and there are years of backlogged art projects that are getting dragged out of the closet for me to force myself to contend with.  I haven't been doing that badly, and several finished products have made their way to their final destinations, and it has definitely been clearing my energy to see those items come to fruition.  there are some bins that are harder to deal with than others, and I'm in the middle of one of those, now.  talk about memories!  

so we're back to the point I was making at the beginning of this post, which is that our family tradition of saving memories to reminisce over at the end of the year hit a snag due to my lack of financial solvency, as I haven't yet gleaned the secret to being a single working mother who can give my art the same time and energy I need to devote to my 'job' so I can manage to keep a roof over our heads, and all that.  the Memory Jar didn't get filled because I was working.  the posts didn't get finished because I was working.  the art didn't get done because I was working.  I made more money this year than I ever have in my entire life.  and that was amazing.  but what did I have to sacrifice for it?  it was when I got fired and decided to move to Israel that the projects got dragged out of the closet, so here we are.

2023 was all about the Benjamins.  make more doing less.  I gave everything to my employers and the people we serve, and had barely a thing left over for me, let alone anyone else.  I ate well, I upgraded my wardrobe & my phone, got some work done on the car, did volunteer work in the community, and served on a city council committee.  I donated money.  I also experienced more anti-semitism than I ever have in my entire life, mostly in my workplace, and after that, in community spaces meant to offer mutual aid.  I learned that people will take every single thing you give, and offer only their ingratitude in return.  I watched people die in the streets while our representatives in the government slept soundly in their appointed mansions.  I lost a lot of fair-weather friends claiming to be sisters-in-arms when I demanded that these staunch feminists acknowledge the atrocities of October 7th, which they continue to deny matter, let alone the plight of our dear hostages, still being held captive by genocidal terrorists.

but these are topics for a different post.  like I said, 2023 both was and wasn't great, and none of that made it to our jar.  but the slips from 2022 got burned and buried, and there's a '2024' tag on the jar now, with a pile of new slips in it.  I hope more get added, and I look forward to reading them with my son on New Year's Eve, however that may look.

I look forward to hearing from you again ~ 

memory jar posts past:

2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 - 2019 - 2020 - 2021 - 2022 - 2023...

travelogue

on July 30th, 2022, my son and I packed up a moving truck and our car, took our cat, and headed to Montpelier, Vermont.  having lived in Vermont for 12 years, I couldn't wait to return after foolishly leaving the Green Mountains for New York State when my son was 3 years old.  you see, I grew up in New York, and when I left, I swore I'd never go back.  but I took a chance on repairing relationships with my family before all the old people died, and while that went swimmingly at best, my chance to go back to Vermont has finally come.  I mean, it came 15 years later than I originally intended, but my son wanted to graduate high school with his class, so I stayed for him, and we had some good times along the way.  but graduate he did, and not only is he going to go to college, he's going to college in Vermont, and I couldn't be happier!

 

so proud of my Teen!

 

well, I could be happier, if we're being honest, because unfortunately, the housing we thought we had ended up falling through.  not to worry, though, because I am in intrepid traveler, and though it's been a challenge to get through this experience with a pissed-off, stressed-out teenager and his rather demanding cat, I am navigating these waters as best I can with the tools I have.  so I thought I'd tell you a bit about how that's been going...

we originally landed at the house of someone I used to know (more on this in the last post), and spent the first few days of August settling in, enjoying the gorgeous late-summer weather, and starting all the processes of establishing residency, such as transferring my car registration/insurance/driver's license, looking for more permanent housing, and going to job interviews.  unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to leave our landing pad much sooner than anticipated, and without having made any advance plans, fell prey to the price gouging at local hotels like the Best Western Plus in Waterbury - Stowe.  now, to be fair, this was a cushy room that came with two gigantic fluffy beds (I prefer a firm mattress), lots of pillows, wifi, tv, lots of parking, a pool and fitness center (much to the Teen's delight), and a delicious buffet breakfast that included most American favorites, and then some.  they claim to be pet friendly, but we were so fried when we got there, we forgot to ask, and just chose to sneak the cat in, and keep the room immaculate so they would never even know she was there.  we ended up staying two days and splitting the bill, which ran us about $300/night each.  though the Teen really liked the accommodations, I didn't like the price.  oh...I forgot to mention the tub!  it was HUGE!  and I filled it all the way up with hot water, and had a good soak.  the tub alone was worth the price, but at those rates, there was no way we could even afford to stay as long as we did.

 

while my chronic lower back issues didn't appreciate the softness of the bed, our cat Nahiri certainly did!

 

from there, we still weren't entirely sure where to go or what to do, so we ended up back in my old college town, at a local campsite I knew of, but had only been to once for some reason I can't remember.  the proprietress there is pretty sharp, and figured out that we were homeless, so I just told her the whole story, and while she agreed to let us stay for a few days, she insisted we have a tent, and not sleep in the car.  since my tent and camping gear are buried in the back of the storage space because I didn't think we'd need them (mistake) we ran off to the closest big box store I wouldn't normally shop at (but these weren't normal circumstances) to buy a tent, some blankets, and food that can cook over a fire (burgers).  we spent a perfectly lovely few days by the Winooski River at the Onion River Campground.  now, if I had planned to go camping, this is definitely the kind of place I would choose.  it's clean and quiet, with a rustic bathhouse, trails, blueberries to pick, and plenty of room between campsites.  many of the folks there were set up for long stays, and I admired the effort they put in to making their campsites appear homey, with outdoor furniture, fenced areas for their pets, flowers and plants, twinkly lights, wind chimes, and more.  I want to be one of those people someday!

 

we were camped on 'the beach', which you can see on the map at the link.

now, our cat has never camped before, or been in a hotel room, or traveled long distances in a car...and she did not like the tent.  in the middle of the night she started pacing around and yowling, then she started scratching to get out, so I got up (I wasn't really sleeping anyway - lower back issues) and took her in the car so she couldn't slip off into the night.  neither of us was happy, and I got no rest.  I think we may have spent another night or two in the car before deciding to spring for another motel room, this time the Marshfield Inn & Motel, and their glorious pet-friendly room #8 for $124/night!  my mom enjoyed staying at the Marshfield Inn a few times back in the day when I lived in the area, so it felt nice to be there again, now that my mom is gone.  we were exhausted from bouncing around, catching random meals here and there, and dealing with the cat's distress, so it was nice to have a respite where we could all sit comfortably in our own space and stretch out, the cat could take her harness and leash off and move around freely, we could shower, connect to wifi, make use of the mini-fridge and microwave, and I could SLEEP on a Firm bed (praise all the deities!).  it was a good few days. 

after that, when we'd been driving around without a place to go for so many hours I needed to get off the road for everyone's safety, we got ripped off at the Comfort Inn & Suites at Maplewood who said we could have a room for $220/night, but charged my card $320 instead.  when I went back to the front desk to discuss the issue, the receptionist was incredibly rude, though eventually agreed to refund me $100.  she didn't, but she did refund me $50.  when I called to complain about that, they called me a liar and hung up on me.  so who cares about the amenities there, because they suck, and no one should go there, ever.  and their breakfast was bland and tasteless.  ugh.  I hate them so much for taking advantage of me like that, and I'm getting angry all over again!  luckily for us, the Marshfield Inn had another pet-friendly room available, so we jumped at the chance to stay there again.

this room - room #9, still a bargain at $144/night - has a small kitchen that comes with a mini-fridge/freezer, counter &  sink, a hot plate, and pots and pans to cook with.  also some cups, dishes, utensils, and other amenities.  I can't even tell you how happy my son was to be able to cook a few meals!  to be fair, he much prefers the fancier hotels with the pools, fitness centers, and squishy beds, but I'm happier in Marshfield with a fan rather than a/c, the peace and quiet, the hiking trails and swimming holes, the general stores, and the view.  while we were waiting for the room, we took a ride up to Danville where I remembered from my college days the American Society of Dowsers had a little bookstore and a labyrinth.  the bookstore was closed, but it was lovely to walk the path overgrown with mint and clover that smelled so good as my sneakers gently crushed them, soaking through with morning dew.  and once we saw a sign for the Great Vermont Corn Maze, there was no stopping my pursuit of joy within all the chaos!

 

the labyrinth path is a bit overgrown, but if you know the way, you can find it ~

 

the corn maze was great fun - there are options to explore the BIG Maze, which "covers 24 acres and is approximately a 3 hour hike complete with 100' of bridges", but we did the Scenic Maze because I figured "a 40 minute hike through the BIG Maze using directions found along the way" would be enough of a challenge for me, and it definitely was!  we also chose the option to collect 4 'journey stones' along the way, but I liked them better than the reward you were supposed to turn them in for, so I kept them, and bought the reward anyway!  the kids' area looked like so much fun, but I was struggling at that point, and didn't have the stamina to play.  the little store at the end of the trail had candy, ice cream and drinks, t-shirts, postcards, and other little ephemera to commemorate your visit, as well as an aerial photo of the mazes through the years (all the way back to 1999!) so you could see the areas you hiked through if you took notes, which we did.  they're also a beef farm, and we would have bought some of their beef if we had known we would have a way to cook it later!  as the kids say, "100% would recommend"!

 

"mayday!  mayday!  I appear to be piloting this vessel incongruously named 'French Toast' through a large field of corn, please advise!"

 

after another few days at the Inn, we had another night in the car before stumbling upon the Firefly B&B in Lincoln.  they claimed to be pet-friendly, yet hadn't counted on someone traveling with a cat, though after chatting with her a bit about our situation, the proprietress - Issy - agreed to let us stay as long as our kitty stayed in the room, and generously discounted our room to $90/night (cash or check only - no credit cards).  that was fine with us, as we were getting up early the next morning to head to our storage space to pick up my son's trunks and bins for college, and we needed a safe place to stash the kitty while we drove back and forth all day.  it was hard, but we got it done...well, the Teen got it done, I was mostly useless other than as the driver.  then I cried as I made my way back to the Firefly alone, for my first night as an empty-nester, without even a nest.  good thing I stopped for a creemee on the way back...if you don't know, in Vermont, soft-serve ice cream is called a creemee, and it's pretty serious business in this state.  we all have our favorites, and we swear by them!

 

this one came from Papa Nick's in Hinesburg - it was Bragg Farm good, but not Dairy Creme or Crossroads good!  😀

so, my son's 'summer of homelessness' ordeal is over, and he has a little bit of time to relax into his new surroundings and collect himself before classes start in a few days.  I've mostly been parking in places like the two local synagogues that I know of, and my old college library parking lot to take naps, but I can't ever really get a full 5 hours of rest in the car, let alone more.  and then I'm falling asleep every five minutes, and shouldn't be on the road.  so, I finagled a deal with the innkeeper at the Marshfield Inn & Motel for one of their pet-friendly rooms for a week, at a greatly discounted rate (just under $400 for 6 days).  they gave me room #9 again so I have the little kitchen, and I think the cat feels safer here because she's already been here a few times.  I can't believe it's been almost a month of this already, and I still don't feel any closer to being settled in terms of having housing, any social services, or a job.  there's no way I could keep a job with all the moving around, and sleep-deprivation!  so I need some help to pay for the room this week, and I've mostly been using my time here so far to figure out where I'm going to stay next, and see how many tarot sessions I can fit in while I'm stable enough to do a few readings.  

 

magicians

 

I haven't made it up the hill to visit the person who's caring for my houseplants in at least a week, and I do need to visit my plants, I miss them so.  the Teen is being standoffish with me and not answering my texts, and the cat misses her favorite human and is being overly clingy.  I'm hoping to see if I can't find someone to foster her for a bit while I navigate the 'next step', whatever that may be - and I hope it's some form of employment, because I need the cash.  if you can't tell from the above commentary, all these rooms and driving around have blown a hole in my finances, and I still have expenses to cover, including helping the Teen out with any college related needs, and litter/food for his cat.  and let's all keep a prayer in our hearts for my dear car, without which, none of this would be possible.  I hope you enjoyed this 'trip around Vermont', and that you feel compelled to send some funds our way - I'm happy to offer you a tarot reading in return.

this is a link to the gofundme a few of my friends set up

this is a link to my paypal

thanks!

the landslide bringing me down

you know, I'm not much of a Stevie Nicks fan, though I've always liked the song "Landslide"...I kind of hold her responsible for millions of hippie chicks in lacy gowns thinking they can appropriate an ethnic slur against Roma people as a lifestyle and culture...but if she didn't know, she didn't know, I guess.  it's 2022 now, and we should all know better.  apologies are being made.  awareness is being raised.  it's not ok anymore (someone alert Cher, as well, please).

 

 

I watched a video this morning of Stevie singing "Landslide" in front of a video memorial for her dad who died in 2005, and of course it made me cry.  lots of things make me cry now.  used to be, I didn't cry at all, and was proud of it.  then I learned to not be such an impenetrable stone all the time and to be proud of the fact that I had enough heart and soul to cry.  then I had a baby and couldn't watch tv any more because the news made me cry...and commercials.  now, as I approach what I consider to be my 'official menopause date', I can and will cry about anything and everything, because my heart is simply broken completely open by the wisdom and humility of life (my personal Kabbalah). 

King Solomon w/birds

 

I'm dropping my son off at college tomorrow.  that's...huge.  on a number of levels.  first off, I've raised my baby alone from the moment of his conception.  I will not negate his father's contribution of the minimum amount of child support required to be in compliance with the current laws, but to be clear, his involvement truly has been minimal, for which I have apologized to my son profusely.  my son has very little family other than me - he didn't really get to know my Sapta (maternal grandmother) before she died, and has little memory of her, though he does have fond recollections of my Zayde (maternal grandfather).  my dad and his parents were long gone before my son was born, and though he had my mom in his life until she passed last year, we weren't always on good terms with her.  there was a brief minute when my brother allowed his three kids to accept their little cousin as a member of their family, but he cut what loose ties he had with me/us, irreparably damaging those relationships, and they will most likely take more work than most people care to do to repair them, so I don't have much hope that they will be.  my point is, this kid has mostly had to figure out how to be in this world on his own, with his closest non-Mom people being his guitar teacher, his show director, and his wrestling coach, in that order.  so...yeah.  a mostly solo project with some honorably mention-able supporters.

 

 

do you know how I got my son into the prestigious and expensive Paul Green Rock Academy?  I emailed Lisa Green and offered to do any number of things for her in exchange for a scholarship - write, edit, proofread, take photos, answer phones, scrub her toilet with my toothbrush.  so she agreed to a meeting with me where she explained that she had people doing all those things for her, except scrubbing her toilets, so she let me clean the building in exchange for my son's lesson and show fees.  and not only did I do everything in my power to go above and beyond for the Green's and their Rock Academy, my kid did, too.  when Paul and Lisa left, and Jason and Acacia took over the school, we didn't know if he would be allowed to continue, but they generously allowed him to stay with the program on a full scholarship until he graduated from high school.  I don't know who pulled what strings behind which closed doors in order for that to happen, but I will forever be grateful to them for that gift.

so here we are, after 18 (19 counting my pregnancy) years of this journey, in the same place we started - homeless in Vermont.  how did we get here again?  well...as a single mom making minimum wage, I can't afford an apartment anywhere in the United States on my paycheck, so I jumped at the chance to apply for a section 8 voucher, which has almost saved us from homelessness over the past decade, though not entirely.  a lot of landlords don't like doing the paperwork that section 8 requires, so refuse to rent to voucher holders, which is illegal, but there are a million ways around it.  one of which is to count on the fact that voucher holders don't have the money/time/knowledge to take them to court, and if they did, and they won, they still wouldn't have a place to live.  it's a lose-lose situation.  I had been living in Vermont for over a decade when my son was born, and when he was 3, I took a chance on moving to NY to be closer to my family...it didn't work out.  we stayed in NY for another decade and more, as we simply moved north near some friends of mine from the 'old days', though after not so long, I found myself regretting leaving Vermont at all.  

 

just one of many beautiful views in VT

 

Vermont was a dream I would return to after the boy was grown and didn't need me anymore.  Vermont was where I would go 'next', as with me, there's always a 'next'.  there were plenty of times I would have gone before now, but my son wanted to stay with his class in school until he graduated, so I stayed for him.  I cooled my hot feet and stayed put to the point of breaking, but I made it.  we still had to move fairly frequently as our rentals kept getting yanked out from under us by unscrupulous landlords raising the rent past my affordability, the State taking over the land through eminent domain, or other unscrupulous landlords taking advantage of the pandemic to sell their house/my apartment to an airbnb developer further adding to the issue of local workers not being able to find or afford housing in the communities in which they work and live...  but we managed to stay housed for a good stretch, and I did spend a good amount of time looking for apartments in VT before we pulled up roots in NY and moved, and though I wasn't able to find anything by the time we had to leave, I did have a place to land when we got here.  or so I thought.

what do you do when someone you've known for 20 years and more calls you up one day and says they're doing really well with their recovery?  that they're housed, in school, taking real steps towards getting their life back on track, and seeking employment?  what if they're really excited to hear you're coming back, and want to help support you on the way?  what if they see you not finding housing and offer up their living room as a place to call home for a minute, until you find what you need?  am I a poor judge of character?  do I make the wrong friends?  trust the wrong people?  well, let's look at my son's dad - 98% absent during the child's life, so much so, that when my young man screwed up his courage enough to ask his stranger of a father for a couch to crash on for a week (yes, dude lives here in Vermont), he wasn't overly welcoming, nor did he offer any financial help.  loser?  maybe.  I don't want to make excuses for him; I've been doing it for far too long for no good reasons, including my own pride, and his skill as a guitar player.

so our crash pad crashed and burned when it turned out my friend wasn't as in recovery as she thought she was.  she had a relapse, and used it as an excuse to behave in an abusive manner towards me.  the fact that she chose to take her relapse out on me when all I'd ever done was be a good and loyal friend to her was unnecessary and frankly unconscionable.  she's fooled me more times than it should take for someone with good self-esteem to walk away from.  and I regret letting the dreams in my head let me believe I could trust that someone was as loyal and honest as I am, though I know from years of experience that's rarely true.  I take the giving of my energy in relationship very seriously, and I'm often hurt by folks who enjoy more casual interactions, as I tend to connect pretty deeply, rather quickly.  and I'm finding that as I attempt to reconnect with folks I thought of as 'friends' here in Vermont, that I guess to them I'm more of an acquaintance, and there's been a 'no-show' of those I thought were 'my people' (some real help has come from unexpected places, too, I must confess).  so what does that tell me about moving forward here?

 

oh, these spiral paths we weave!

 

nothing I didn't already know, I guess - we're all just hurtling through space on this rock alone.  ever.  always.  and that's fine.  I'd just like to plant a flower garden, watch it grow and die, and come back again.  I want to write poems and prose, and create images.  I want to knit and sew and crochet - craft art with my hands again and be alone with the silence of late night/early morning hours.  I want to walk in nature, and be soothed.  I want to share my creations with others who create.  I want to hear from my son that he's doing well in school - that he's learning how to earn and manage money in a way that will bring him and his hoped-for future family more ease than his upbringing brought him.  "may he do better"...every parents' prayer.

 

from Isabella Rotman's This Might Hurt Studios

 

I used to travel when I was younger - just pack up my few belongings and my cat, and live on the road in my car.  it was a lovely lifestyle when planned for.  falling houseless because of broken systems built to keep women like me down is less fun, but again - can be navigated smoothly by people like myself who are wise in the ways of travel.  when I have to drag an unwilling and angry teenager and his fancy cat along?  it can get really tough, but I'm using All the tools in my kit to keep us buoyant in proactive ways, while doing my best to organize these experiences with my overtaxed mind to share with people in a way that encourages them towards helping me out financially.  I need help paying for gas, insurance, storage, cat supplies, and whatever my son may need for college that we didn't already think of, and for pet-friendly hotels/motels/b&b's/accommodations until I can find housing.  I'm really good at writing, editing, proofreading, and reading tarot cards.  please feel free to ask me to perform any of those tasks for you in exchange for any monetary donations.  we can work out a value together.  let me know how I can help you help me.

thanks ~

my paypal:  https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/mysteriamb

my gofundme, organized by some friends:  https://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-homehttps://gofund.me/835d9ce3https://gofund.me/835d9ce3https://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheethttps://www.gofundme.com/f/miriam-mysteriam-and-teen-need-a-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-shee

Memory Jar 2021

8 YEARS!

8 years of memory jars!  wow...and it's been a year, that's for sure.  the kind of year where I found myself saying to my kid, "I know it's been shitty, but let's sit down and make the effort to think of a few good things to put in our jar so we have something to share on New Year's Eve.  maybe we have enough space from the trauma of it all to appreciate the experiences?"  hopeful as I was, I suppose I was bound to be disappointed, especially since my Teen showed more interest in the process last New Year's than he has in the past, by insisting on designing our yearly star himself.  it was a pretty star, but his enthusiasm for the project didn't carry through.  read on to find out what was good for us in 2021:

 

Me:

new running shoes!

birthday week lunches, gifts, ice cream, cake, dinners, cash, salt bath...

playing Yahtzee w/Grandma (Mom)

Grandma laughing at the movie Slapshot

Teen:

got a new hat

ok, well...there were significantly less happy moments in our jar than there have been in the past, but as I've said, and I'm sure we can all agree, it's been a pretty rough year all around (unless you're a billionaire that got richer from all the collective suffering, in which case, karma will get you my pretties).  the 'awful' was not just pandemic related in our case - I mean, my mom died, and then we lost our housing and had to move.  it's been utterly terrible, and we've had quite a rough time navigating it all, but I think we're coming through it a bit, one way or another.

 

for myself, even though I fell off my running game after Mom died, the gift of running shoes was/is a blessing, and definitely made the journey more fun (not to mention easier), and when I'm ready to get back to it (soon, soon), they'll be waiting for me.  and since I spent the year responsibly keeping mostly away from people, it was wonderful to spend time with two of my close friends who made the effort to help me feel loved and cared for around my birthday.  my mom spent two blessed weeks visiting before she died, for which I will forever be grateful, and during those weeks we had a lot of fun together, because she was moving away, and we didn't know when we were going to see each other again.  sigh...it wasn't supposed to be 'never'; she was planning to come to the Teen's high school graduation this summer.  anyway, Slapshot was one of her favorite movies, so I've seen it about 5,678 times and know it by heart - but I wasn't really watching it that night, I was watching my mom laugh harder than she had for a long time, and it made my heart happy.  and she kicked our asses in Yahtzee so bad, the Teen accused her of cheating, lol!

as for the Teen...he had it rough.  more than a year of remote learning, not being able to go anywhere or do anything with his friends...they did stay in touch through online gaming, but...it wasn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination, and I feel all their relationships were hurt by the separation.  he needed to get out so badly he ran away from home for two weeks and sent me spiraling even further into depression as if losing my second parent and my housing wasn't enough.  he was similarly affected, and more.  we worked through it well enough to be on a somewhat even keel now, and honestly, I don't feel like it's my place to talk about him so much on my blog any more, as he's past old enough to have a say in such things, and I know if I asked him, he'd tell me not to write about him, so...I (mostly) won't.  I can speak to the fact that he had some truly wonderful moments this year, but I recognize that there's some real healing he needs to do in order to feel ready to acknowledge them.  I truly hope he does.

 

some things that didn't make the jar but should have, include (for me):  taking part in the Roma Women's Poetry Project writing workshops sponsored by ERIAC, having one of the pieces I wrote included in Wagtail, the first anthology from Butcher's Dog magazine, and taking part in the online launch event.  spending time with friends, going to my son's gigs, and reconnecting with my tarot practice were also highlights, as well as going on a few dates, even though they didn't pan out into anything worth writing about.  during a time in history when things could be so much worse, I'm exceedingly grateful for the privilege of continuing to have opportunities to create my life in the ways that nurture and sustain me, mind, body, and spirit, and to have the means to offer compassion and understanding to as many others as possible.  I hope absolutely everyone gets to feel similarly blessed this year ~

check out our memory jar posts from years past, below!

2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 - 2019 - 2020