Monday, July 6, 2015

Sunday Whirl Monday

210 


quilts grain heart crows escaping open collapse clay splintered crack crawled bones


open heart
        splintered heart
escaping into the open

cracked open
        splintered open
my heart crawls open

my heart collapses
        collapses open
cracked open and splintered like bones

my bones escaping
        escaping my heart
cracked open and splintered like grain

grain cracking crows
       splintered by crows
escaping through my open heart

the clay quilted
         across my heart
splintered by crows

the bones quilted
        crawling across my open heart
splintered like clay

escaping the quilts that collapse my bones
        in the splintered clay where
the crows crack grain

open like my heart
        collapsing open like my splintered heart
crawling across my bones


this one felt like a chant to me, with a rhythm of its own.  not sure if I caught it, but the repetition at least hints at the solemnity and power of the image these words laid out in my mind.  do join in the fun at:

https://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/

26 comments:

  1. Oh! Oh! Oh! I love this one! The repetition works beautifully, and I found myself going back to read it aloud. Caw! Caw! Caw!

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    1. thanks Brenda! I loved the repetition in yours, as well!

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  2. Oh this incredible piece. Love the repetition it, it suits the poem so well.

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    1. thank you so much, Cathy! it seems a number of people used the same device - I guess the words just called for it!

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  3. The form you have given to these words seems designed to accentuate the desolation. Brilliant!

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    1. they felt pretty desolate to me, but then I read one of the responses that was full of life and energy! I guess we all see what we see...thanks for stopping by!

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  4. The chanting effect suggests some kind of affirmation that deals with constant mental pressures. Interesting effect.

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    1. interesting thought! thanks for stopping in, and for your comment!

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  5. I love what you done with these words. They seem to naturally predict and yet hearken back to other words. The overall impression is of a devastatingly broken heart. Nicely done!

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    1. thanks! the words seemed to lend themselves to something dark and foreboding - it was tough to write!

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  6. Yes - it does feel like chant..a very clever use of words...the end lines seeping into beginning lines..like the healing of fractured bones...separate but joined

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    1. 'like the healing of fractured bones'...thanks, I like that, and it fits well with the theme of the words the way I used them.

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  7. In one way it was fun, in another way, maybe one or two too many repetitions? Still I loved what you did. Perhaps it is a song? Just for the fun of it, I would love to see it stripped down?

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    1. yes. I had trouble finding the rhythm I wanted, and the words kept tumbling over themselves in my mind, trying to figure out how they wanted to fit together. not sure I succeeded, and I agree there is a 'stripped down' version in there, somewhere. I didn't take that much time with it - perhaps I should have taken more and found the essence! thanks ~

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  8. Spectacular use of repetition! Mournful chronicle of sadness and regret. Well done!

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  9. I heard and saw the chant. It definitely has its own rhythm.

    Elizabeth

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  10. And it reads like a chant! I really like how you used repetition to give it that effect and to bring home the point of the open heart...the heart of this lovely poem. Bravo.

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    1. thank you - I like that an open heart was what you got out of it; maybe I'll reread it with that perspective, and see what I get!

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  11. The heart splintered open. The heart will reach for the light, over and over. You are listening to love as it makes space in your heart. You would think it would not be so hard.

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    1. interesting take, thank you! everyone seems to have found something different in this. I love all the perspectives, as I get to see the words anew each time another one is suggested. :)

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  12. It DOES sound like a chant--of joy? or horror? or both?


    Whirling with Marge

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  13. Good one
    Do visit my blog at http://shilpachandrasekheran.blogspot.ae/?m=1

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    1. thank you - it's been quite a few months since this post, but I will pop in over at yours to return the favor!

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