This is going to be a bit personal, so consider yourself warned...
One thing I did not touch on in my rant yesterday (the deleted paragraph), was the anger I felt at a certain dude who didn't respond to my requests for help with childcare (I sent out a facebook event invite, and he checked 'maybe'). He didn't respond to my emails, didn't answer my phone calls, and didn't call me back the whole time I was in VT. His older child is just about the same age as mine, and I had thought we were great friends. Dude and Babydaddy were in a band together for years - I took a lot of photos for them and never asked for anything in return. I did their booking out of the kindness of my heart. I did these things because I like to help my friends succeed; it makes me feel good to do kindness for others, and, of course, it put money in all our pockets (and a few free drinks).
When Babydaddy and I broke up, Dude and I stayed friends. We became more than friends - we became intimate. I thought this was because he liked me, cared about me, had genuine feelings for me that he had kept to himself out of respect for my relationship. We didn't date or anything, just a now and then sort of thing, and it was nice. Comfortable and sweet, our little secret. We would chat online in the evenings when the kids were asleep, and we stayed in touch when I moved to NY. I would always pop in and visit when I was in town. Just before he got married recently, he contacted me in an intimate way, claiming his soon-to-be bride didn't fulfill all his needs...well. I don't go there. He was unattached during all our times together, but I don't touch a guy in a serious relationship, call me crazy! I haven't heard from him since.
He was a facebook friend, until yesterday. He never posted to my wall, deleted my comments, didn't respond to my messages... I'm no dope, I got the message. I ask you, invisible audience, What's Up With That? Do I pose a threat to his marriage? To his manhood? I've never been anything but kind to this man, and he treated me like a piece of ass. I think now that the only reason he ever wanted to be with me was that he was in love with my boyfriend. He couldn't fuck my boyfriend (that would be gay!) but he could fuck me, and put his dick where boyfriend's dick had been, and he'd get what he wanted by association. Am I being spiteful? Or am I seeing the truth more clearly? Either way, I was hurt in retrospect by his non-response to my saying 'hey, old friend, let's get together with the kids and introduce me to your new wife'.
Then I found out he was AT Goddard while I was there, and made no attempt to seek me out and say hello. That really hurt. I know I'm mostly a bitch (yes I am!), but when I care about people, I care about them truly and deeply, and I am fiercely loyal to them through thick and thin. Sometimes even when I shouldn't be - hey, we all have our faults. I have a few exes I am still friendly with because I don't stop loving someone just because I'm no longer fucking them. In fact, I have been intimate with (how many?) of my friends, and I believe it only brings us closer, makes our ties stronger, because of the level of intimacy we have shared. It's a trust issue, in my mind. "I have trusted you with my body, with my deep secrets, with my moans of ecstasy - will you betray me?" This is the question we don't ask each other, but the answer is always "you can trust me, I will not betray you. I will love you, always". In my heart, I will always love this man who has betrayed me, although I can no longer count him amongst my friends. He will never know how he has hurt me, why would he care? But I still cried a little at the loss of him.
I love you all. Truly, deeply and forever. I will never knowingly hurt you, or betray you, or cause you lasting pain. This is my promise to those of you who have stuck by me, again and again, even when I wasn't worth sticking by. I need every single one of you in my life, like I need water and air and food. You are my friends, and you are special, and I am blessed.