Enough about the guy, for now, we're getting in way over our heads with so many miles and so much time still between us before we even get to maybe see each other depending on what happens...Who knows? Maybe he won't come back, maybe he'll meet someone there? Maybe he'll get back with ex-wife? Maybe he'll just follow whatever path he is choosing for himself and it won't end up including me? Who's to say...I just don't want to get all invested in something and then have it not work out, like my heart isn't broken enough already! But then I think I'm doing myself a disservice by putting anything but the most excellent energy into my thoughts about him. If I believe with all my heart that this is the right thing, and I put only good and happy energy towards my thoughts about him and us, than what I get out of it will be goodness and happiness, right? Seems to follow...so why the fence-sitting?
The kid is driving me insane. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than life itself, but if Grandma could take him for a week or something (or, dare I say, his DAD?), that would make me just about the happiest mommy on the planet! I don't want to be one of those whiny bitches who cries about how hard life is all the time, I just want a break every once in awhile! I know there are people out there alot worse off than I am, and I should feel blessed for all I have, and I do! But everyone who claims to be any sort of expert on parenting always says, "take a break to take care of yourself, and you'll be a better mommy". I sure would like to get a chance to follow that advice!
Work is so goddamned slow, and my co-worker A is being SUCH a pain in my ass, that I wish the season were over yesterday! Maybe it's because I've never had a long-term job that I seem to have all these problems with my co-workers, but why do they have to be so MEAN to me? I'm so sick of being judged, or spoken down to by kids less than half my age, or generally treated like I'm irrelevant, or that my contribution to the daily workings on the farm are insignificant. I do my fair share of nothing this time of year, but I also do ALL the handling of everything that needs to be handled! And in the busy season? I do more than anyone - whose not a member of the immediate family - to keep that place doing what it does! And I get treated like crap for it? By a person whose contribution IS, actually, somewhat irrelevant? Ten more working days 'till season's end...I'll try to hold on!
I have to temper that previous paragraph by saying how much I really enjoy most of our customers - and the teenagers I get to work with. The kids (N and J) are really just awesome, and I love being a small part of their lives! The folks who come in every day, or every week, that I have developed a familiarity with are really what makes me keep coming back. Well, that, and my paycheck! I love the sense of community, getting to know these people, and again, getting to be a small part of their lives. The things I learn from people in our brief interactions are so important to me - who's husband died, who's having hip replacement surgery, who's bringing apples to their daughter's college graduation, it's all so meaningful to me - the one who's been so transient, and is trying to learn how to settle down and be a part of something...It's better than when I was a bartender, because the goods I'm selling are so much healthier! I love talking to people, and if I can help them smile - even better!
Things are kind of out of control, for a change, at home...I still have piles of stuff that need to be dealt with everywhere, boxes I haven't unpacked yet, though we moved in almost a year ago. Dishes still take over the kitchen on a regular basis, laundry overflows from hampers, paperwork grows into towers, the toilet grows god-knows-what, some new life form I'll probably have to start feeding soon....I bought a tv stand about 2 months ago - still in the box! My son's new bedroom furniture? Still in the box! Am I attending to these things on my oh-so-precious to me day off? Not! I want to sleep in, relax, do my own thing, catch up on my blog...so everything gets neglected. I FEEL like I'll get a chance to catch up on everything during my month off, but I KNOW that won't happen unless I make and follow a strict plan to get it done. Guess how good I am at making and following strict plans? Go on, guess! Yeah, not so good! Sigh. Well, they say the first step is admitting you have a problem, but they don't say what happens if that is the only step you are willing to take! Ah, now I'm whining again! Maybe I should just go do some of those dishes...!